The Bachelor Episode 4: On Wisconsin

It's wine and lasagna night tonight.  For all the women on the Bachelor, lasagna is a layered pasta dish with cheese and other good stuff.  I don't need to tell you all what wine is.

We resume the episode with the usual scene of Ivanka asleep and the other women complaining about Ivanka's sexual aggressiveness.

Special Ed Vanessa, interviewed while wearing a low-cut sports bra, said she would not be "shaking her t*ts at him."  But she's more than willing to shake at us!

Before the rose ceremony, Ivanka claimed that she wasn't privileged.  

Rose Ceremony #1

Joining Lawyer Rachel, Business Owner Danielle, and Special Ed with roses were:

Miss Piggy Raven

Potty Mouth Taylor

Pilates Whitney

KGB DDS

Warrior Jasmine (I needed this after the Warriors' loss to Dugan's Heat tonight)

Flipper Alexis

(It's a lock that Ivanka is getting a rose)

Astrid

Cheesehead Danielle

Jaime (doesn't like) Balls

Baby Erica Rose Josephine

Teacher Sarah

And the final rose goes to....Ivanka (told you it was a lock)

Goodbye Christen Lou Who and Brittany.  One good nickname down.  One girl who appeared naked with no nickname also down.  

After the rose ceremony, Ivanka proposed a toast.  Based on how drunk she was, I'm surprised she could string the words together.  Every time she talks, she reminds me of a pretty awesome SNL character:

Harrison announced that it "was time to pack" their bags because they are "literally" going around the world.  First stop on this world tour: Waukesha, Wisconsin!!!

Solo Date #1: Business Owner Danielle

BO Danielle got to walk around Waukesha on her date to learn a little more about Hans.  They stopped at bakery first.  They made a special cookie for Hans, the "Nicker-doodle."  DO NOT try to say that five times fast.  I promise you it's a bad idea.

Next, they happened to run into one of Hans's exes.  Fleiss and Co. are such cruel puppeteers.  

Since the date wasn't all that interesting, I thought I would look up all the famous people from Waukesha.  WOW!  On the bright side, I guess Waukesha has a history with the slender man stabbing. 

In the evening portion of the date, BO Danielle wore a low cut dress.  Like her personality, it didn't leave much to the imagination.  BO could mean business owner, but in her case it definitely also means BOring. 

BO got a date rose, but before the date ended they went to the Pabst Theater (love the beer themed state of Wisconsin) to see Chris Lang.  I went on Spotify to see who he is, and found out that he's actually Chris Lane.  I also sort of thought it was Kyle Martino.

Not Chris Lang or Chris Lang.  

Group Date: Lawyer Rachel, Flipper, Special Ed, Warrior Jasmine, Balls, Teach, Pilates Whitney, KGB DDS, Astrid, Potty Mouth, Cheesehead, and Ivanka

The date started off on a dairy farm.  My brother, Joe Wags, worked on a dairy farm while in college at UW Madison.  I thought I would ask him for the inside scoop.  I didn't realize I would get this response:

Thumbs down

Ivanka said she'd rather be at a spa eating a taco, preferably chicken.  This sounds insane, but I think I might also be interested in getting a back massage while downing a burrito.  

They shoveled manure and milked cows.  I'm glad I went to law school.

In the evening portion of the date, Ivanka heard the other women talking trash about her, focusing on her immaturity.  She showed how mature she is by grabbing her boobs and saying, "Do these look immature?"  Ivanka knew what was going on with the other women, using a baby voice to say, "I see you."

Ivanka then delivered the QOTN:  "Michael Jordan took naps.  Abraham Lincoln took naps."  Case closed.  

Minutes later, Ivanka pointed out that they are "fighting for a fiance, not a pickle."  Ivanka is setting back the cause of the Women's March just by talking.  

KGB DDS got the date rose.  

Solo Date #2: Miss Piggy Raven

The date started off at Hans's youngest sister's soccer game.  

My favorite movie older brother and way younger sister

Other than Bella's domination of the competition, there was not much to report on the date.  

They proceeded to the roller rink...with Bella in tow.  

In the dinner portion of the date, Miss Piggy told the graphic story of how she walked in on her boyfriend "thrusting" on top of another woman.  I'm glad Bella wasn't still on the date to hear that story.  Apparently, Hans likes raunchy infidelity stories.  Miss Piggy Raven got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony #2  

Ivanka, drunk and angry, decided to take on Potty Mouth Taylor.  After Potty Mouth said Ivanka had low emotional intelligence.  Ivanka said she must be intelligent because she runs a multi-million dollar company.  Can't argue with that.

This dummy fight continues next week.

(The queen of the outtakes, Flipper, said that she is afraid of Nicholas Cage and aliens.  I hope she's the next Bachelorette.)

The Bachelor Episode 3: Is Hans Here For The Right Reasons?

No.

Hey hey, fans and friends. This week was a fantastic episode. The blog received shout-outs from Fleiss & Co (See Ivanka's quote later) and the episode had multiple laugh-out-loud moments. Let's get right into it picking up from last week's "to be continued" at the rose ceremony. In a bit of a role reversal, we have the contestants wondering if the Bachelor is here for the right reasons. In an attempt to be transparent, Nick explains why he let Maid of Honor Liz go during last week's group date. He also could be dropping hints about his willingness to have one night stands. Hint hint, ladies. On that note, Ivanka decides that a trench coat and very little else besides whip cream will help her chances. She might have forgot she was already secure with the group date rose. We later find out she has trouble with short term memory which explains a lot. The whip cream trench coat act brought a flurry of fun quotes:

Hans: "Is this a dress or a coat?"

Hans: "She's good at stimulating chemistry"

Potty Mouth Taylor: "WHAT WAS THE WHIP CREAM FOR?!?"

Let's try to tighten this up and get to the actual rose ceremony. Hans doesn't want Ivanka to go full villain yet and asks her to tone it down. He knows full villain means she has to go (unless you're a TUlsa Real estate Developer). Tears ensue and Ivanka sleeps through the rose ceremony.

Who's joining Ivanka with rose safety?

Astro
Potty Mouth Taylor
Brittany
KGB DDS
Business Owner Danielle
Lawyer Rachel
Special Ed Vanessa
Miss Piggy
Balls
Flo
Teacher Sarah
Flipper
Brittany
Baby Erica Rose
Warrior Jasmine

Goodbye Lacey and Photographer Hailey and possibly other people who were not that memorable.

Backstreet's Back. No. Really. 

Ok, even I got confused with the math here when the girls said they were such fans. The group formed in 1993.

Business Owner Danielle was three.

Christen Lou Hou was one.

KGB DDS was zero and in Leningrad.

Pilates Whitney was one.

Potty Mouth Taylor was not conceived.

Warrior Jasmine was five.

Ivanka was zero.

Huge fans, though. The biggest fans. The Backstreet guys seemed fine. Warrior Jasmine predictably kicked ass. So did Business Owner Danielle on her way to securing the group date rose. We had some excellent editing work from Fleiss & co catching Ivanka claim not "to be a crybaby" and immediately cutting to her tears.

Ivanka: "I'm terrible at planned dancing."

Hans: "Do you mean choreography?"

Ivanka: "I made Corrine great again." Nice Ivanka shout-out there.

The last interesting part of this group date was the Ivanka Nanny confession. She's 24. She has a nanny. For herself. And the way Ivanka explains it, this nanny Raquel only gets joy from serving Ivanka. So, she's really being the magnanimous one here.

Special Ed's Zero G Vomit

Sometimes pictures work better.

But, seriously, has Hans ever been nauseous? He was all over her. Give the girl some damn space. At least Special Ed walked away with the rose later at dinner. 

Nickathalon with Lawyer Rachel, Flipper, Astro, Balls, Teacher Sarah, Brittany, & Flo

Despite Brittany's excitement over the sports-themed date, Astro, Flipper and Lawyer Rachel stole the show while Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter judged. 

A final 100 meter dash had Lawyer Rachel clearly win and somehow Astro walk away with the win. Even Hans gave a half-hearted cheers in the post race-hot tub:

“To……..kind of winning it.”

Other thoughts from the group date?

• Lawyer Rachel does not belong on this show.
• Don't worry, Balls. We didn't forget your quote from the after-party.
• “I just want you to know…that I wasn’t like trying to be the weird lesbian” -Balls
• Flo challenged Hans and was immediately sent home for the transgression. 

Rose Ceremony = Pool Party

17 girls. 1 Nick. And a Bounce House? Ivanka drags Hans away and the girls begin a fatal bachelor/ette mistake. They complain about another girl... 

Time's up. Ivanka.

Miss Piggy begins: "She has a nanny”

Warrior Jasmine joins in. 

Potty Mouth Taylor is next.

THIS IS NOT A WINNING MOVE. Have you ever seen this show?

Special Ed Vanessa is about to take the bait and spins out of the mess and into the open floor: “I’m not Judging Ivanka…I’m judging your actions”

Boom. That's a great place to end...and pick up next week.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Let's Talk About S.E.X.

It feels good to be back in the writer's chair (or sofa) for another season of the search for true love.  While discussing weird childhood memories during dinner last night, I told Mrs. Wags about how I used to go to my Grandma's house next door.  I would eat cookies, rice krispy treats, grape nuts, and spoonfuls of sugar from her sugar drawer.  Yes, she had a drawer of sugar.  And yes, I liked grape nuts as a kid. And yes, I put lots of brown sugar on the grape nuts.   Welllll, while eating all this junk food, we used to watch Love Connection on her kitchen television.

Chuck Woolery, the original Chris Harrison

Mrs. Wags pointed out that I owe my Grandma for setting me up for a career of enjoying others' search for true love.  So I propose a whiskey and ice cream toast to Grandma Wags, the original believer in being there for the right reasons.

On to the show....

Ivanka started off the episode by saying that she's "like totally crushing" on Hans.  I like totally don't think I can listen to this all season long.

Group Date: Ivanka, Vanessa, Sarah, Flipper Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Warrior Jasmine G., Raven, Danielle L., Potty Mouth Taylor, and Elizabeth W.

The group date started off with three convertible Buicks parked out in front of the mansion.  No amount of advertising can change my opinion that Buicks are for old people.  

The first group date activity was a a wedding photo shoot with renowned photographer Franco Lacosta.  I just couldn't resist:  http://francolacostacreative.com   And neither should you. 

The women all had to wear "wedding dresses."  A wedding dress on the Bachelor = partial nudity or pretending to be pregnant.  Fleiss and Co., treading on the concept of marriage since 2002.

Ivanka took her top off during her photo shoot, providing a full frontal shot for Franco.  I found a picture of how it came out:

Later in the evening, Ivanka said, "No one has ever held my boobs like that."  I think Sheryl Sandberg said something along these lines in her book, Lean In.   Minutes later, Ivanka said her "nipple might have been out" when talking with Hans.  Keep building that resume for Bachelor in Paradise!

Ivanka and Potty Mouth Taylor got in a fight over "stealing" Hans.  For our new readers, there is a rule, surely laid down by Fleiss and Co., that you must cede your time with the Bachelor when another datetestant asks to interrupt.  Increasingly drunk Ivanka repeatedly exercised the interruption privilege, and eventually received the date rose for her efforts.  But she appropriately also has the hatred of all the other women.  Like Ivanka said, "cheers, bitches."

Solo Date: Cheesehead Danielle L.

Last week, Dugan predicted that Danielle L. would be going very far this season.  After receiving the first solo date, the prediction is looking good.  

The date began with the couple already in a helicopter!  I actually rewound my DVR to see if I missed the arrival of the helicopter.  I guess helicopters on the Bach have become so rote that they can just begin in the air.

Back at the house, MOH Liz mentioned for the millionth time that she had sex with Hans.  Finally, MOH confessed to another datetestant, Christen Lou Who, that she had the prior relationship with him.  Sex talk aside, how great is this nickname Dugan and I came up with today, inspired by a WWTB super fan?

While I was busy doing some subpar Microsoft Paint work, Cheesehead Danielle mentioned that she was engaged a few years back.  Three months into their engagement, her fiancé overdosed on drugs and died.  Cause of death: 95% drugs, 5% wedding planning.  

Cheesehead seems like a very nice person and received a well-deserved rose.

Group Date #2: Christen Lou Who, Baby Rose Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi Balls, KGB DDS Kristina, and MOH Liz

The date started off at LA's famous Museum of Broken Relationships.  Who would want to go to this place!?  Apparently, Hans contributed an exhibit to the museum, his engagement ring that Andi rejected.  I hope he got permission from Neil Lane to donate that 8 carat monster to the "museum."  

While in the museum, two actors pretended to break-up, ending with a slap in the face.  I guess this place doubles as the domestic violence museum.  Additional actors depicted more breakups.  My favorite went like this:

Woman: I was sick at the party.

Man: Yeah, sick off of margaritas.  

When performing mock breakups, MOH Liz told the whole story of the night they met.  In case you were wondering, that was also the same night they had s.e.x.  Hans is learning that he should have ditched his past on the first episode.  

Jaimi Balls admitted that she had a girlfriend before, but promised not to go after any of the women Hans likes.  

Hans told KGB that he noticed her "slight" accent.  Describing her accent as slight is like saying Anthony Davis has a slight unibrow.  

Barely noticeable

Hans confronted MOH Liz and sent her home.  Like they say, always a one night stand, never a bride.

Hans told all the other women about the one night stand and .....  TO BE CONTINUED!

The Bachelor Episode 1: The Beginning of Nick's Happy Ending

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends...
We're so glad you could attend...
Come inside! Come inside!...

Is that duplicative? Yes. But, I'm not against reusing good material. And it's particularly fitting for our leading man, Nick. Fans and friends, it's wonderful to have you back for the latest and greatest from Fleiss & Co., including a surprise premier episode visit from Neil Lane! 30 girls all vying for Viall! And most of them wearing a red dress.

Neil Lane!

Background on Nick

We first met Nick (Hans) on Bachelorette Andi's season. He pretended to be the nice guy but quickly turned heel. He followed the Andi exit with a mid-season saunter into Kaitlyn's season. And completed the hero to villain back to sympathetic figure this past summer on Bachelor in Paradise. We know that Nick hails from the Midwest and has a large family. 

Past Bachelors Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Farmer Chris sit down to give Nick advice. They basically all call him out and discuss how America hated Nick.Does this mean Chris Harrison, Fleiss and Neil Lane are likely the most responsible people for Nick's maturity these past few years. Incredible.

But, you all know Nick. We are here to meet the girls. Without further ado....

Alexis, aka Flipper, 23, an aspiring dolphin trainer from Jersey.

Angela, 26, a model from South Carolina.

Astrid, 26, an plastic surgery office manager from Tampa.

• Bio Note: Lists Height as 5’7.5”. Why the half inch? Sadly, more on this topic later.

Briana, 28, a nurse from Utah

Brittany, 26, a travel nurse from Santa Monica.

Christen, 25, wedding photographer from Tulsa. I wonder if she knows Chad? Strong crazy potential 

Corinne, aka Ivanka, runs the family business from Miami, FL.

• Bio Note: Favorite show. Frasier. Seriously? Its 2016.

Danielle L., 27, owns salons in LA. Likely will go far this season. She's in final 5.

Danielle M., 31, is a neonatal nurse from Nashville.

• Bio Note: Dead fiancé in past. I have a feeling this girl is going to bring the drama.

Dominique, aka Flo, a 25 yr old waitress from LA.

Liz, aka Maid of Honor or MOH Liz, is a 29 yr old doula from Vegas.

• Bio Note: If I never had to ______, I would be very happy. Kill someone. Ok, let’s keep an eye on the MOH.

Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager from Dallas.

Hailey, 23, photographer/jokester, from Vancouver.

Ida Marie, aka Kanye 23, Sales Manager from Harlingen, Tx.

• Bio Note: What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books. Who is your favorite author?: Again, I need to read more books. Has Ida Marie read a book?
• Nickname Note: Kanye is a proud non-reader. http://observationdeck.kinja.com/proud-non-readers-a-rant-764450194

Jaimi, aka Balls, 28, a chef from New Orleans.

Jasmine B., 25, a flight attendant from Tacoma, WA. NOTE: YES, that means there are two “Jasmine”s.

• Bio Note: Who is your favorite author and why? Steve Harvey. He dished out great advice on success and relationships. Oh for fuck’s sake. It might be better to be Ida Marie and have never read a book.

Jasmine G., aka Warrior Jasmine, 29, an NBA dancer from San Fran.

• Bio Note: Lip tat.

Josephine, aka Baby Rose, 24, a nurse from Santa Cruz.

• Bio Note: Height: 5'7 ¾". Three Quarters of an inch? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
• Nickname note. Doesn’t she remind you of a new Erica Rose?

Kristina, 24, a dental hygienist from Lexington has the least Kentucky accent of all time.

Lacey, 25, a Digital Marketing Manager from Manhattan.

Lauren, 30, a Law School Graduate from Naples, FL.

• Bio Note: That’s not an occupation.

Michelle, 24, owns a food truck in LA.

Olivia, aka Kathy Ireland, 25, apparel sales rep from Anchorage.

• Bio Note: Was a kicker on her high school football team.
• Nickname Note: See Bio Note. Then see Necessary Roughness.

I hope we get more Scott Bakula this season.

Rachel, 31, an attorney from Dallas.

Raven, aka Miss Piggy, 25, boutique owner from Hoxie, Arkansas.

Sarah, 26, a teacher from Newport Beach.

Susannah, 26, account manager from San Diego.

Taylor, 23, is a mental health counselor from Seattle.

• Nickname options? Sigmund Fraud?

Vanessa, 29, a special ed teacher from Montreal. Favorite to go far.

Whitney, aka Pilates, 25, a you guessed it Pilates instructor from Minnesota.

General Bio Notes: A lot of talk about dolphins, The Little Mermaid, Olivia Pope, & Rib Tats.

Some initial thoughts about this year's contestants:

• Mrs. Dugan called Rachel the next Bachelorette seconds after seeing her. She's a civil defense litigator from a large family with connections to the Bachelor's home state of Wisconsin. She receives the first impression rose and Rachel is a frontrunner for sure.
• Miss Piggy explains that Arkansans care about faith, family and football. She also explains what she likes to do for fun: mudding, shoot guns and read the bible. She was serious.
• Ivanka lives the swank Miami Beach life running the family internet business. I'd like to know more about her nanny Raquel.
• Taylor, aka Sigmund Fraud, has some biracial angst.
• Flipper and Baby Rose are going to compete with Fraud for trainwrecks of the year.
• The Maid of Honor has already slept with the Bachelor. And I mean that in the Arkansas Bible "slept with" sense of the word. That's a new twist.
• Jasmine G brought Neil Lane and instantly becomes a WWT favorite. Like being a Warriors cheerleader wasn't enough.
• Sarah brought out the pun game with a "runner up" joke jogging to Nick.
• Hailey is this season's raunchy Canadian jokester.
• Ivanka's the villain. 

Dugan's repeat prediction to watch for: Danielle M. is going to bring the crazy this year.

Dugan's Quotes of the Night:

Flipper: "I dolphinately cannot wait to see you inside."

Hailey: "I put my best self out there," says the girl who told him she wasn't wearing underwear. 

Ivanka: "My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum."

On that note....it's getting late...so let's get to the Rose Ceremony and see who's staying with us.

Special Ed Vanessa

Salon Owner Danielle

Christen

Astrid

Ivanka

Elizabeth W

Warrior Jasmine 

Miss Piggy

Kristina

Danielle M.

Teacher Sarah

Baby Rose

Camel Lacey

Counselor Taylor

Flipper

Canadian Hailey

Pilates

Flo

Balls Jaimi

Travel Nurse Brittany

MOH Liz

Until next week when Tim takes over. Please feel free to leave nickname suggestions in the comments. As always, the nicknames are fluid at this early stage of the process.