The Bachelor Episode 9: Whiskey, Andi, Finland.

Good evening, friends. We left off last week with Andi Dorfman knocking on Hans' door. Offered whiskey or wine, she follows Wags' lead and opts for the whiskey. It appears that Andi's only reason for being on the show was to give Hans a sex pep talk for the upcoming overnights. If you hop in the way back machine...we harken back to Andi's season when finalist Hans was very upset that Andi slept with him before cutting him in the finale. Hans assumed overnight suite sex secured the final rose. It. did. not.

Basically, Andi tells Hans to man up and not let his former hurt feelings prevent him from sleeping with these girls and similarly breaking their hearts. Great talk, counselor.

Rose Ceremony Time

Going into the final few episodes, there have been few true surprises this season. The early exit of Business Owner Danielle was my one exception and this rose ceremony supplied surprise number two.

To recap:

We have the favorite, Special Ed Vanessa, who still doesn't understand that Hans gets to date other girls. Basically, this means she doesn't get the main premise of the show. Despite that, she is likely still too good for Hans. We also have next Bachelorette Rachel who absolutely is too good for Hans and needs to get cut without too much collateral damage. We have It’s So Raven who wants to get the hell out of Moxie, Arkansas. And finally, we have Ivanka on the main stage. Ivanka. Main stage.

I googled jane loincloth to get some images to photoshop to explain Ivanka's dress. Instead, I found her actual attire for the rose ceremony.

Surprisingly didn't work

The first rose is given to Raven. A mild surprise but I still expect Rachel to go. RACHEL gets the second rose. That means Special Ed Vanessa or Ivanka is going home. Special Ed gets the rose. And we will welcome Ivanka back home to sunny South Florida. We missed you Ivanka. You have been a wonderful Florida Woman keeping our kooky reputation in tact.

I expected a little more from our dear Ivanka. It turns out she was a modern Icarus, flying too close to the sun.

Hans does Finland.

I love you Mike Fleiss & Co. He brought Hans, the 13th Prince of the Southern Isles, to Finland for overnights. We begin with a That's So Raven helicopter ride. It looks very cold in Finland. And they explain that it's only sunny a couple hours a day. What hours? 8-10am? 12-2pm? 5-7pm? Does anyone else find this curious?

You know what else is curious? Finnish darts. Don't know what I'm talking about? Take a close look at that Finnish dartboard.

WTF?

They talk about their future. He’ll cook. She'll fold. Stopped paying attention as I google Finnish Darts.

That's So Raven reveals her modest sexual history along with the lack of orgasms. I can't decide if that puts more or less pressure on Hans. But that's not the confusing part. Raven explains that the lack of orgasm was a trust issue. Acceptable. But she's looking forward to sex with a guy simultaneously dating 30 other women? No trust issues there? WOMEN MAKE NO SENSE.

In other news, I'm worried that Hans' Turtleneck might make this discussion moot. No male has ever worn a turtleneck and ended up having sex. It's a fact. Don't even bother looking it up. Or you can check back next week when Wags' takes the keyboard for a 3 hour episode. WHAT?

The Bachelor Episode 8: Hometowns

A Bachelor recap combined with a national holiday!?  This calls for whiskey and ice cream.  Okay, every Monday calls for my dream combo, but many of my Mondays are holidays.  Hooray for being a government employee.  Raise your hand if you got President Lincoln's birthday off as a holiday last week.

Also named Tim.

The episode began back in "Bimini."  I still don't believe it's a real place.  Have you ever met anyone that's been there?  I haven't even met anyone that's heard of the place.  Until further notice, the only explanation I will accept for Bimini is that it's an island owned by one of these weirdos.  

After sending KGB DDS, the remaining four women worried about Hans's unpredictability.  Sounds like great husband material.  If I had a nickel for ever time I've heard someone say, "My dream spouse is intelligent, caring, kind, and unpredictable."

All four got roses.  We're off to the hometowns of Ivanka, Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, and Special Ed Vanessa.  

Hometown #1: That's So Raven in Hoxie, Arkanasa

Apparently, Fleiss & Co. are not going to shy away from every southern stereotype I may or may not have: ATVs, country music, jean shorts, swamps, and grain bins (?).  

According to Raven, any time you need to have a serious conversation in Hoxie, you go to a grain bin.  I am beyond baffled.  While on top of the grain bin, a police officer detained them.  He seemed like a fake police officer, but he turned out to be Raven's real brother.  Unfortunately, he did not arrest Hans.  

The date continued with some mudding followed by mud wrestling.  Do they do this stuff in Florida, Dugan!? (On second thought, don't answer that).  It was my second favorite mud wrestling scene I've seen.

You're my boy, Harrison.

Sadly, Raven's dad received a lung cancer diagnosis 1 1/2 years ago.  And now he has to meet Hans.  Hasn't he suffered enough already?  Thankfully, Papa Raven recently received the news that he's cancer-free.  I feel personally happy for Papa Raven, as guys like us (bald acceptors) need to stick together.

At the end of the date, That's So Raven couldn't pull the trigger and say the magic words.

Hometown #2: Rachel Esq. in Dallas

Rachel started off the date by taking Hans to her church.  Hans said his church at home is "a little different."  I wonder if he's talking about race.  

Rachel seems pretty smart.  I wonder who wins in court, Andi Dorfman or Rachel Esq.  

After all the buildup, Rachel's federal appellate court judge father couldn't be on the date because he had work obligations, aka I-will-never-be-on-a-reality-show-i'm-not-judge-judy.  Not only did his seemingly intelligent daughter decide to go on the Bachelor (maybe twice?), but now she went and forever screwed up his previously impeccable wikipedia page.

After a whole bunch of talk about how she's never brought a white guy home and Hans has never met a black person before, Rachel's white brother-in-law was there.  But then he went and said, "I can't help but notice you are a white."  Mrs. Wags thinks he was doing a bad impression of Zach Galifinakis.  I'm not so sure.  

Other than the race-focused conversation, there wasn't too much of note here.  

Hometown #3: Ivanka in Miami 

The date started off with an aerial view of a marina.  From my many experiences in south Florida, this seems to be an accurate portrayal of what Floridians are all about.   And who can blame them?  When I'm in Florida, this is what I'm all about.

Ivanka took Hans to the fancy mall where she knew every retail salesperson by name.  Hans thought this was possibly a good thing.  Once Ivanka bought him a $3,000 outfit, he should know that it's not a good thing.  Dugan, when you go to the Tomas Maier store at that mall, could you please pick me up a pair of these shoes?

In the mall food court, Ivanka told Hans she loves him.  All the high school kids must have been laughing at them.

Hans met her family and her "nanny" Raquel.  Raquel proceeded to serve wine, dinner, do the dishes, and interview Hans.  Nanny = indentured servant.    

Papa Ivanka, let's just call him Donald, was wearing no less than four bracelets.  I can forgive the gold chain, but multiple bracelets?  

Mama Ivanka, let's call her Ivana, told Ivanka to be real and remember it's just fantasy.  WOW.  I didn't expect chardonnay-chugging Ivana to be the voice of reason.  I expected Raquel to be the voice of reason.  

Hometown #4: Special Ed Vanessa in Montreal

Special Ed first took Hans to meet her students.  All of her students are over 21, French or English speaking, and special needs.  I LOVED the women wearing the I Heart Galileo t-shirt.   According to Stephen Hawking, Galileo probably bears more of the responsibility for the birth of modern science than anybody else, and Albert Einstein called him the father of modern science.  So I guess that girl's t-shirt is on point.  

Rachel and Vanessa seem too good for this dope.  But when I pondered that thought out loud, Mrs. Wags astutely pointed out the major character flaw of signing up to be on the show in the first place. 

Special Ed's parents are divorced, so Hans had to meet her parents separately.  Though they were in Canada, her entire family is apparently VERY Italian.  

Special Ed's siblings asked the hard questions of Hans and Special Ed.  Special Ed's mom grabbed her chin and said "look at me. . . look at me," before delivering a serious message.  I told Mrs. Wags that we need to have more conversations where I hold her chin and say, "look at me."  I just practiced on her (interrupting her Pinterest search), and she quickly said she doesn't like people grabbing her chin.  Even after 18 years together, we still have so much to learn about one another.  

The evening continued over at her dad's house.  I am not sure what happened because most of the date was interrupted by a flash flood warning for northern California.  Don't worry about me, I have a great pair of galoshes.  

Special Ed ended the date devastated to find out that Hans asked for permission on other dates.  

Rose Ceremony

There must have been another flood warning, as I did not realize how they ended up in New York.  

Not-so-shocking ending: Andi showed up at his hotel room, said "Hello Nick," and then CUT.  Episode over.  

See you next week, with Dugan leading the way.  

The Bachelor Episode 7: Tears, Sharks and Tears

Hans' tears have breached the dam.

We begin the episode in St. Thomas where the drama from last week is still unresolved. Hans gets a pep talk from Harrison and looks to assure the girls he’s here for the right reasons. Besides the amount of tears, what’s striking is how few women are left:

Ivanka

Special Ed Vanessa

Rachel Esq.

That’s So Raven

Cheesehead Danielle

KGB DDS

It is late in the season, but I feel Hans is trying to convince the girls to stick with him over these last few weeks. The chance of a successful relationship coming from this season has to be the lowest probability since Jake/Brad’s seasons. Maybe it’s a 4 letter name thing? That’s why Tim and Dugan stick to 3/5 letters.

You know a good way to get a girl to like you? Take them to Bimini! Hans says why not and has to trim the suave six to the final four a few miles off the coast from Dugan.

Did I just say Final Four? No, we’re not talking about the Stevie Vasturia-lead Notre Dame basketball team. Next week are Hometowns!!!

Special Ed Vanessa & the Bermuda Triangle Shipwreck

The most interesting part of this trip was Ivanka’s initial response: “You lucky bitch.” Special Ed Vanessa is an assured front-runner and my pick to win at this point. Still smarting over the lack of a one-on-one, Ivanka decides to trash Special Ed Vanessa as having “no depth” and constantly talking about pasta and her special needs kids. Ivanka is becoming a super-villain and must be stopped.

Hans may have surfaced from the snorkeling too quickly because he dropped this gem later on the date: “Hometowns is next week” Oh, Hans. So eloquent.

Special Ed Vanessa appears to understand the show. She gives Hans the “I’m falling in love….” talk. Then she is flummoxed when she doesn’t get it back. No reciprocation is par for the course.

Do they get the show in Canada?

Ivanka, KGB DDS, and That’s So Raven go to School

We start the group date hearing the girls points of view. KGB DDS is sick of sharing her boyfriend. Raven simply wants the rose. Ivanka wants Nick. And the producers did not wait long to get the fireworks started. Having Hans apply sunscreen to KGB DDS in front of Ivanka/That’s So Raven was pure genius. We all know Ivanka’s lack of stability. Don’t sleep on my girl Raven. Remember earlier this season when she admitted to beating up a boyfriend with the stiletto heel of a women he was having sex with at the time. She can go cray if need be.

Watch your back, Hans. Speaking of, it’s shark swimming time. I don’t know why I got a kick out of this, but I did find it funny that KGB DDS started to detail the rows of teeth sharks enjoy. Raven wasn’t intimidated: “I will punch a shark in the face.” Well then.

I only have one question watching this date. How do fake eye lashes do in salt water?

Let’s speed up this recap:

• Ivanka is worried about falling behind.
• Hans cried.
• Raven uses the term “Daddy” which is no Bueno with Mrs. Dugan.
• Nevertheless, Raven gets the rose and Ivanka is starting to get worried.

Cheesehead Danielle and the Boring Date

At first, this date was pretty cool. They road bikes and started playing basketball with local kids. It went downhill when they had to talk to one another. Here’s the recap.

Boom. She’s getting cut mid-date. That’s how bad it was. Cutting her was the only interesting thing to come after basketball. It also gave us this exchange:

Hans: “You’re just so great”

Danielle: “Not great enough. I’ll leave and get my things.”

Hans: “I’ll walk you out.”

Danielle: “Sure.”

OUCH BABE.

Ivanka and the Caitlyn fail, Rachel as the next Bachelorette Date, and the KGB DDS Exit

Ivanka tried to cheer up Hans with a nightcap. Hans thought better of it and cut her off before he could make the same mistake twice.

Mrs. Dugan did call Rachel Esq. as the next bachelorette from the opening scenes of the premier. It appears those premonitions are now being confirmed by TMZ.

The rest of the season will be set on making Rachel appear great. She’ll get cut and be sad, but not too sad to be broken. The date was fun. At a local bar, Nick knew to just order a beer. Rachel hesitated…you know she wanted to order a chardonnay but thought better and ordered a beer. After admitting she never brought home a white guy, Rachel still make Hans comfortable and assured him he had nothing to worry about.

Goodbye KGB DDS. We’ve had enough of Russia lately.

The Bachelor Episode 6: Turnips and Lipstick

So, did you miss us?  Dugan and I have been very busy lately so we decided to only blog on time for our paid subscribers.  And since we have zero paid subscribers, we do what we want.

By the way, we have almost 100,000 blog views.

Last week's episode was about as interesting as a calculus class, so you didn't miss much.  My ice cream is finished, so let's start the recap:

After the 2-on-1 date with Ivanka and Potty Mouth Taylor, Hans sent the Potty Mouth home.  Potty wouldn't take no rose for an answer, so she showed up at the evening portion of Ivanka's date to reveal the truth about Ivanka.  Potty figured that the only reason she got sent home was Ivanka's lying.  I wish Hans had said, "I just don't think you're very good looking."  Unfortunately, not all dreams come true.  

Dreams come true.

...and sometimes they don't.

Upon "winning" the 2-on-1, Ivanka provided a quote I will not use at work, "Cats have nine lives, and bitches have two."   

Speaking of Ivanka, tough week for her shoes.  

Rose Ceremony

Joining Ivanka, Rachel Esq., and Cheesehead Danielle with roses was:

KGB Christina

That's So Raven

Special Ed Vanessa

BO Danielle

Warriors Jasmine

Pilates Whitney

Goodbye to Flipper Alexis (sad), Baby Erica Rose Josephine (not so sad), and Jaime (doesn't like) Balls (no one cares).

The crew continued their journey for love in St. Thomas.  You know what that means, right?  It means cut-off jean shorts with exposed pockets!!!  So predictable.  

1-on-1: KGB Christina

KGB was very excited to get the date and take her first trip on a sea plane.  Hard to land an ice plane in Putin's icy Russia.

Back in Russia, KGB has a sister that she "thinks" is 27.  According to KGB, they don't talk often.  Shocking. 

In the evening portion of the date, Hans said he wanted to know more about her.  She's from Russia.  She had no food.  She once ate lipstick because she had no food.  Her mom kicked her out of the house when she was 5 possibly because she ate the lipstick.  She went to a Russian orphanage.  

I found a picture of her orphanage.  

At 12, an American family adopted her.  Apparently, eating lipstick was worth it because she got the date rose. 

Group Date: Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, Special Ed, Ivanka, Cheesehead, and Warrior

If the Bachelor is any indication, St. Thomas is FILLED with steel drums.  And when I think of steel drums, I can think of only one thing:

The group date started with corn hole and volleyball.  I'll take the sea plane.

During the volleyball game, So Raven delivered some great lines.  "I'm sure [Ivanka] would be a great volleyball player...if she wasn't so drunk." Also, "If Jasmine was a vegetable, she'd be a turnip because she's turnt all the way up."   

In the evening portion of the date, all of the women wanted "validation," especially Warrior Jasmine. "Why'd you bring me to St. Thomas?  I've been to St. Thomas.  I don't need to be here," said Warrior. At least she got to go to Waukesha, a place she surely had never been before.  When she finally got some private time, she figuratively said she wanted to choke Hans, but then she went on to say that she literally wanted to choke him in a sexual way.  Less than 30 TV seconds later, Hans said no thank you and sent Warrior home.  

2-on-1: Pilates Whitney and BO Danielle

This is the type of date a wish I could bet real money on.  I'd bet $500 that BO is getting the rose.  But I probably wouldn't get a good odds.  

Before I could even finish thinking about how much money I would bet, Hans unceremoniously sent Pilates home.  He must be more of a BAR method guy.  

In the evening portion of the date, Hans decided that he couldn't handle BO Danielle either.  I'm not sure what this means for this fake bet I spent all this time thinking about.  Anyway, all of us are winners because BO's personality left much to be desired.  

Until next week, when Hans keeps cutting...

***Was Chris Harrison even on this episode one time!?***