The Bachelorette Episode 5: Love is My Greatest Power

Many thanks to my writing partner, Dugan, for covering for me last week (really funny post, not-so-funny links).  While on family vacation in Hawaii, it did not seem like a good idea to devote two hours of blogging time while watching the show live.  On the other hand, I had my replacement Bachelorette "treats" in mind: a mai tai and shaved ice.  Alas, the Wags family has returned home to foggy San Francisco, and the whiskey and ice cream are ready to go.

Becca's week started off in Las Vegas.  It's a great place to "take a risk" on love and "roll the dice" on finding your life partner because love is a "gamble."  We get it.  The writers need to work a little harder.

Solo Date: QB5 Colton

The date began with a camel ride.  I assume there's some crude joke I could make here, but I have really matured lately (plus I also can't think of a funny crude joke).

Back at the house, Chicken David and Ken Doll Jordan continued their bickering.  KDJ had some pretty tight shorts.  The audience could easily see his...

It didn't take me too long to come up with a crappy joke.

In the evening portion of the date, QB5 and Becca had dinner in an empty restaurant.  Vegas is the perfect place to have dinner at 3 pm and make it look like it's 8:00 p.m.

QB5 said he associates "confusion and pain" with love because a girl broke up with him one time.  Are these people on this show because they are terrible at letting go of past flames or all-too-good at melodramatizing their very common past experiences?

QB5 got the rose.  He's very handsome, yet also seems very simple.  I'm a little worried he has next-bachelor potential.

Group Date: Harry Potter Wills, Favorite Garrett, Like Blake, Venmo John, Coach Connor, Leo the Lion, Super Eagle Lincoln, Sr. Banker Jason, and Stitches Chris

The date started with a stretch Hummer (Mishawaka, IN pride) trip to Wayne Newton's mansion.  And Wayne was there!  Whoa Wayne's FACE!  According to Wikipedia, Wayne is President Trump's brother.

They had to write a song inspired by "Danke Shoen." (I'm not embarrassed to admit I had to look up how to spell shoen.)  Wayne delivered a possible QOTN: "In my opinion, which I respect very much..."

 

Back at the house, Chicken David asked KDJ if he was going to wear the gold undies.  KDJ quipped, "David's head is in my underpants."  I'm going to be sad when Becca gives both of these guys the boot later in the episode.

At night, the guys had to sing their original-ish love songs.

Venmo John is my favorite. What a nerd.  He has zero chance.  Has a dweeby guy ever won this show? (I did some quick research.  No, a nerd has never won the Bachelorette.  And by "nerd," I merely mean a guy that spends more time reading than going to the gym.)

The guys were predictably terrible.  When you spend that much time in the gym and GNC, there is no time to pursue more artistic hobbies such as singing.

Not good for your singing voice, but does wonders when trying to make the JV baseball team.

Stitches says he's "ranked as one of the top frontrunners."  Now that sports gambling is going to be legal everywhere, maybe he knows what the sports books are saying about this season.  

Like Blake said he's falling in love with Becca.  This got him the date rose, but it got a sideways glance from me.  It's episode 5.  I would like to take a moment to remind our reading audience this show is real and is the search for true love.

Double Date: Chicken David and KDJ

Running List of KDJ Quotes
"David can't control my realness."
"Shotty" (when calling shotgun)
"The wind is leaving my sails."
"Your voice is so nasally, no one can stand you."
"Love is the greatest power on Earth." (is this accurate?)
"Being me is my greatest power." (can't argue with that)
"Being you isn't your greatest power." (if the previous quote is true, this quote doesn't logically follow)
"You lack your own personality."
"You're worse than Arie." (the ultimate insult?)
"[Settling] is the most hurtful thing you can say about a woman." (I could think of some other things.)
"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get buried in the desert." (
"What I like to do in my spare time? Obviously, the gym is a big deal." (Obviously)
"Zoolander is extremely accurate." (It won the 2004 Academy Award for documentary feature.)
"I've got a million different things I could do with my face."
"I could probably move every part of my face." (I think I can too.)
"I wish we could get my portfolio out." (I kind of do too.)
"Tomorrow I'll wake up alone just like I always do." (I'm almost sad for him, but see the previous 16 quotes.)

The date consisted of sitting on a bed in the Nevada desert.  Thanks a million, Fleiss and Co.

Harrison is in the C-3PO outfit.  

Right away, Chicken started dishing on KDJ being a womanizer and interested in dating models and would settle for Becca.

KDJ defended himself by noting his mom has multiple mental illnesses.  Uh oh, this got a little too real.

After a "sixth grade" fight between KDJ and Chicken, Becca opted to Chick-filet and sent Chicken packing.  She wasn't ready to give the date rose to KDJ, so he got to continue onto the evening portion of the date without Chicken.

After talking about himself for the entire date, Becca denied a shocked KDJ the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Becca confronted Stitches Chris about being a baby and threatening to leave.  He later started arguing  with many of the guys over time spent with Becca.  He was very "fustrated" and found it all very "fustrating."  Gym > reading.

Joining QB5 and Like Blake with roses were:

Favorite Garrett
Sr. Banker Jason
Potter Wills (I kind of want to rename him Wills and Trusts)
Super Eagle Lincoln
Leo the Lion (Yesssss!)
Coach Connor
Stitches Chris

Right when I was falling in love with Venmo John, he gets sent home.  Goodbye to the nice guy that's probably richer than all these guys combined.

Until next week in Richmond, Virginia.  Huh?

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Captain Underpants, Lumberjacks and a Jean Blanc Noir farewell

Sorry to disappoint those looking forward to a whiskey and ice cream aided recap, but Dugan is going to pick up episode 4 where 3 left off.

Week 3's rose ceremony highlights

• Becca and Like Blake are having a discussion regarding how many kids they would like to have. While I generally agree this is a good conversation for couples to discuss, I recommend having one or two before claiming you want five or more kids. 

Nope.

• Ken Doll Jordan ("KDJ") is convinced God made Chicken David fall and bust his face for daring to challenge KDJ. KDJ has mental problems.
• Chicken David unveils his new look.

"Really, it's fine" - Becca. Maybe.

• On a night short on memorable quotes, KDJ received a pair of golden underwear and delivered this gem: “All I know is that I’m Captain Underpants and that’s all I got. That’s all I got.”
• Chicken David has the injury sympathy rose along with QB5 Colton and Stitches Chris.
• Who will be joining them?

Senior Banker Jason
Wills
Slick Nick wearing an unexplained track suit.
Globetrotter Christon
Super Eagle Lincoln
Like Blake
Favorite Garrett
Lio the Lion
Venmo John
Coach Connor
KDJ
Jean Blanc Noir

Goodbye to Domer Mike and Banjo Ryan who achieved optimal Bachelor/ette contestant status. They got to survive the ignominy of a first night cut but failed to stay on the show long enough to make really poor alcohol fueled decisions.

Park City One-on-One with Favorite Garrett

Sitting with Mrs. Dugan, I wonder where the drama is going to come from this season because it looks like Favorite Garrett already has this in the bag. Then, Mrs. Dugan informed me of some chinks in the Favorite Garrett armor (see link). What date do you bring up your extreme political views? Speaking of unqualified men, Super Eagle Lincoln is back at the house sharing his flat earth conspiracies. It gets worse. Super Eagle Lincoln recently plead guilty to assault and battery and may have to register as a sex offender. How dare you besmirch the good Nigerian name. You are no Super Eagle! Is there any background check done on these guys?

While Becca is clearly smitten, she found her own concern when discussing past relationships with Garrett. He was married and divorced within two months. This was difficult for Garrett because "no one in my entire bloodline had ever been divorced before.”

Bloodline? Who speaks like that?

Run, Becca, Run!

Lucky 13 and the Lumberjack Date

Everyone not named Garrett and Wills joins Becca in the Utah wilderness including KDJ, Lio the Lion, Coach Connor, Globetrotting Christon, Like Jason, Chicken David, QB5, Jean Blanc Noir, Venmo John and others…

There's a reason Venmo John gets listed last in a Lumberjack competition. Au contraire, friends, Venmo John kicked ass and earned the Golden Axe. Jean Blanc Noir, Stitches Chris and formerly Super Eagle Lincoln failed to show their lumberjack largess.

By the way, axe throwing is a thing now? Dugan will be reserving space soon.

Lumberjack After Party Highlights

• Senior Banker Jason and Becca enjoy kissing one another. Good for those kids.
• QB5 Colton likes dating famous people. 
• KDJ rocks the golden underwear and pisses off the guys. 
• But the night belonged to Jean Blanc Noir

Jean Blanc Noir and the Fragile Male Ego

Jean Blanc realized he was falling behind the other guys.  Jean went to the Jean Blanc Nori well and provided a gift of perfume to Becca. Then he forced a kiss which resulted in this awesome reaction from Becca: “Jean is a lot.” Yes he is. Jean didn't feel the reciprocal love from Becca and went at her again. Becca was not feeling it and shut him down. Jean Blanc spit game. Becca shut him down. It happens. It could have been left at that. But the fragile male ego must be propped up. Jean Blanc retracted his feelings out of a mix of shame/embarrassment/hurt feelings.

Thank you, Becca.

Wills and the Jean Blanc Aftermath Date

Becca is reading too much into Jean Blanc's over-sensitivity and Wills has to navigate this carefully. Luckily, Fleiss & Co. didn't force Wills to get injured to receive a sympathy rose. No, they allowed him to talk about emotional vulnerability to secure the empathy rose. Will's ex wanted a Hall Pass that wasn't given so took it anyway.

Wills categorizes this as a Documentary

One Episode. Two Rose Ceremonies. I feel so lucky.

Joining Fav Garrett and Wills in Vegas will be...

Lio the Lion
QB5 Colton
Like Blake
Senior Banker Jason
Coach Connor
Lincoln
Venmo John
Stitches Chris
Chicken David
Ken Doll Jordan

Goodbye Globetrotting Christon and Slick Nick.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Cheers to you being a Bitch!

Friends, it's a Yoga Monday here in the Sunshine State. While much less fun than Whiskey and Ice Cream Monday, Ken Doll Jordan's quotes alone will get us through the night. We begin the episode in the kitchen where the tension between Ken Doll Jordan and Chicken David simmers. Of note, did you see the amount of eggs Chicken David was making? That had to be a minimum 6 egg omelette.

Group Date #1 and the Manufactured Drama Date

Chris Harrison knows his blogging audience and dropped a “Time is of the Essence” reference when announcing the group of men that will get to pamper Becca and other girls from Ari's season:  Expelliarmus Wills, Senior Banker Jason, Ken Doll Jordan, Chicken David, Jean Noir Blanc, and QB5 Colton.

Colton has to defend his past relationship with Tia. Becca's hangup appears to be that Colton may have wanted Tia to be the Bachelorette. While I genuinely like Becca, I have a hard time with this level of ego. Does Becca believe that every guy on this season only had eyes for Becca? That seems like a longshot and a poor reason to sack QB5.

Confession time. Dugan doesn't know what "Expelliarmus" means and has never been to a spa unless you count 215 Sorin. 

Let's get to the highlights and the start of Ken Doll's Quote Machine Night.

• Becca forgot Senior Banker Jason's name. Imagine if he was only a junior banker. This must happen often. Fleiss and Co. rarely show the Bachelor/ette making such a mistake. It's always gold. 

• Becca knows Ken Doll Jordan would be at ease: “You are in your element” KDJ: “I’m always in my element.” WHAT?!?
• Becca makes up with Jayson by making out with Jayson. Good deal for the senior banker.
• The guys discuss their Tinder profiles and Chicken David shares Ken Doll's match prowess with Becca. No spa. No tinder. Somehow I feel like I am doing just fine.
• KDJ does not approve Chicken David sharing his Tinder prowess with Becca and unloads a barrage of quotes.
• "Hey, cheers to you being a bitch"
• “That’s a bitch move. You’re a bitch.” (But let’s be honest, KDJ said “Your a bitch” in his head.)
• “Attached to me is professionality. Attached to me is my face….If you are trying to wreck my image, you will never succeed. You know why? Because my image is me!”

• Senior Banker sums it up: “THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME”
• QB5 survived the faux drama and gets the rose.

Chris Stitches gets Musical

Stitches begins the date with an interesting wardrobe choice, the jean sweatshirt hoodie combo. Then they bring out a musical act that no one's ever heard of...

That's motherfucking Richard Marx! Do you know what you will find out when you google Richard Marx? He's married to Daisy Fuentes. I always laugh when I hear Daisy Fuentes because she was the first nude celebrity image I saw on the internet. Thank you, early AOL chat rooms.

I'm sorry, but ABC has interrupted the Bachelorette because President Trump and Dennis Rodman are trying to prevent nuclear Armageddon in North Korea. Shut it down, ladies and gentlemen. 

Stitches has a weird hairline? Is he a bald denier? Those cheesy lyrics, messed up hair and jean jacket hoody? Stitches is from Orlando. He could be an ex-boy band member.  Oh man, now I found out that Stitches cheesy lyrics are due to his abandonment issues. Stitches reached out to his dad and never got a response. Ouch. 

Stitches goes to the emotional vulnerability well and secures the rose.

Football Group Date with TE2 Clay, Leo the Lion, Globetrotting Christon, Banjo Ryan, Venmo John, Favorite Garrett, Domer Mike, Super Eagle Lincoln, Coach Connor, and Like Blake

Side note. This may have happened when George Stephonopolous was talking about the end of the world, but Chicken Suit David fell out of his bed and busted his face. Ambulance #1 on the night. 

It's getting late and we need to wrap this nonsense up:

• TE2 Clay has a little Carlos Boozer in his look..
• I am genuinely concerned for Venmo John and Domer Mike in this game of tackle football.
• Surprisingly, Domer Mike grabs the early TD in the back corner of the end zone, ala Dwight Clark (RIP!)
• Favorite Garrett is a baller.
• Christon and TE2 Boozer (the professional athletes) were beasts.
• Clay Boozer gets the sympathy rose for an injury on the last play.

I know earlier I said that I liked Becca, but Mrs. Dugan and I think she needs a new stylist. While I spent this episode hoping to hear Like Blake say "Like" a ton, take a look at some of Becca's clothing choices next week. Until next week when whiskey and ice cream returns.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Tick Tock, Let's Make It Rock

Well Dugan, our six loyal readers demanded the blog return after our Ari hiatus, and we gave the people what they wanted.  I, for one, was thrilled to read your recap last week.  This week, I'm thrilled to return to my traditional Bachelorette whiskey and ice cream.  I haven't had any whiskey or ice cream since we blogged Rachel's season (at least I haven't written about whiskey and ice cream since then).  Let's start the show and the junk food.

Thanks Costco. (I never said I drink fancy whiskey.)

Harrison started off the episode by admitting he didn't recognize one of the guys.  Of course, it was the guy in the chicken suit.  Harrison, I've missed you the most.  

Group Date #1: Clay, Slick Nick, Chris Gets Stitches, Chicken Suit David, Jean Blanc Noir, Ken Doll Jordan, Coach Connor, and Super Eagle Lincoln

While arriving at a ranch, the Ken Doll Jordan reminded us he's a male model.  "It defines me."  May I never have a job that defines.  May this Bachelor/ette blog always define me. 

The wardrobe for the men appears to have been provided by Banana Republic.  

All grays.

If the men didn't all look the same (gray clothing and 'roids), the guys had to all wear tuxedos.

Former Bachelorette Rachel and her fiancé Bryan NipTuck (still in love...see...this is the search for true love), explained an obstacle course for the guys while wearing tuxes.  

NFL Clay had no problem with the ice bath portion of the course.  Super Eagle Lincoln was in the lead for most of the course, which caused me to google what his Dugan-granted nickname meant.  WELL DONE DUGAN.  

Super Eagle won the race and got a picture with Becca (I had to note this fact because the previews have foreshadowed the importance of this photo at least three times in the first 20 minutes of the show . . . let's just say there isn't much subtlety on this show.)

Confession: I had to ask Mrs. Wags how to spell "subtlety" and I'm still not sure I spelled it correctly. Was this word the final word in the spelling bee today?  It should have been.

Super Eagle Lincoln got the aforementioned framed photo and a kiss from Becca.  He described kissing Becca like, "flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns and pooping out a pot of gold."  Mrs. Wags said she heard the pooping part of the quote.  I was too busy trying to remember what a pegasus is to go back and double check for accuracy. 

Chicken Suit David said Becca will challenge him intellectually.  You're on the wrong show buddy.

Coach Connor, frustrated with having to look at the framed photo of Super Eagle and Becca, tossed the photo in the romantically-lit pool.  Super Eagle was very pouty because he wanted to "show the picture to his mom."  Becca mediated the situation between the two juveniles, taking Super Eagle's side.  

Jean Blanc Noir Cool Water got a kiss and a the date rose.  That smells nice!!!

1-on-1 Date: Like Blake

This was Becca's first ride in a limo since she "got engaged."  She also keeps referring to Ari as her "ex-boyfriend."  I have to hand it to her, she is really good at pretending this show is real.

Harrison handed sledge hammers to Becca and Like Blake so they could destroy televisions showing videos of Ari's proposal, champagne bottles, a car, a couch, and candy hearts.  All of this while Lil John turned down for what and DJed the event.  Becca literally destroyed her past.  Again, the Bachelorette doesn't specialize in subtlety (thanks for the assist, autocorrect....I still can't spell it).  

Like Blake keeps saying "like."  I'm about ready to fast forward through this dum dum's date.  "Like she's an amazing woman."  

Sadly, Like Blake like got a rose.  Becca even said, "like, will you accept this rose?"  It's like contagious.  

Group Date #2: Favorite Garrett, Venmo John, Rickie, Banjo Ryan, Alex, Globetrotter Chris, Trent, Leo the Lion, Wills, and QB5 Colton

Leo Leo Leo!  Can every date include this guy please?  

The date started with a dodgeball training session led by some little child actors.   They fired dodgeballs from a pitching machine.  

In their practice session, Globetrotter Chris nailed Becca with practice balls a couple times.  Just like the way we used to play bookstore basketball games in college: don't take it easy on female competition.  (Semi-related sidetone: Dugan and I co-coached the Pasquerilla West Women's Intramural basketball team.  We were great.  Dugan was on the refs like Draymond, and I was calm and often injured like Steve Kerr.)

Leo the Lion provided my QOTN: "What these guys don't understand is that winning doesn't come from bicep curls or tricep extensions, it comes from your heart."  Almost brought I tear to my eye.  Mrs. Wags thinks the Lion might have appropriated this quote from Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights.  

As I was busy looking up Harry Potter spell names to find a good nickname for Wills/willis/will/whatever, QB5 Colton admitted to having a relationship with Tia from Ari's season of the Bachelor.  Since we didn't watch last season, this doesn't affect me.  Becca, on the other hand, seemed deeply hurt by his admission.

Becca fought through tears to give Expelliarmus Wills the date rose.

Rose Ceremony 

Ken Doll Jordan, wearing only boxer briefs, told Becca he didn't want her to think of him as being "007 all the time."  Ken Doll, continuing his tryout for Bachelor in Paradise, said he's not just "some guy with hair."

Later, the Chicken Suit David said Ken Doll was being disrespectful by wearing boxer briefs to a cocktail party.  Oh, the irony from the chicken suit guy.

Joining Jean Blanc Noir, Like Blake, and Expelliarmus Wills with roses:

Chris Gets Stitches
Jason He's a Senior Banker
Venmo John (I think I rode BART with this guy today...oh wait, every guy is Venmo John in the Bay.)
TE2 Clay
Man Bun Mike
Coach Connor
Leo the Lion 
Chicken Suit David
Favorite Garrett
Slick Nick
Banjo Ryan
Globetrotter Chris
Ken Doll Jordan
Super Eagle Lincoln
QB5 Colton

Goodbye Rickie, Alex, and Trent.  We never even had enough time to give you guys nicknames.

Until next week, when Dugan returns to blog the bloodbath.