The Bachelor Episode IX: It Must Be a Fantasy Suite Dream Come True...

Brad starts off this uber important episode with a very reassuring, "I have no clue what I'm doing." Brad probably should have spent these past few weeks determining which lady he's most interested in. I'm no Bachelor expert, but that's the point of the show, right?

The beginning of this episode reminds me that we have reached the point where the winner of the show must be watching at home...horrified. Brad has a "strong connection" with each of these women, can't make up his mind, and might be "sampling the goods." These last two episodes have to play out like a horror movie for the winner.

Chantal O.

Chantal drew the first date of the episode. She also won the honor of being the first to show off the safari wardrobe that ABC figured would make them look as American as possible. I think Brad was actually wearing Tevas and socks.

The safari looked like fun. Lions, giraffes, zebras, and a lunch off the truck. WHOA. I'm no safari expert, but "lunch off the truck" seems like a good way to become lunch. There was a hippo in the background. Most dangerous dangerous animal around? Check.

Their dinner date was all about how this relationship needs to be real. No joking around. Chantal knows that relationships must be serious. She's been married. How come Chantal gets a pass on the previous marriage? Did her husband cheat on her? Seems like divorces are usually a bigger deal on the Bachelor/ette.

Chantal accepted the fantasy suite. The surprise was that it was in a tree house. Once again, seems like a risky proposition on a game preserve. Liz noticed that there were lots of lights on the tree house inevitably attracting bugs. Hope they took their anti-malaria pills.

Emily

Emily joined Brad. Brad ran away and came back on an elephant. How fun. An elephant walk! (you can look it up on urbandictionary.com . . . . just don't do it at work).

Bradmily got right to it and start discussing Ricky. Emily, of course, wants to know how eager Brad is to become Bradmilyicky.

Dinner with Brad and Emily started off poorly. Brad got really nervous and started talking like King George. Emily told Brad that she would be interested in Brad picking her. Not exactly the necessary "I'm falling in love with you."

The dream suite card arrived. Emily semantically chose to accept the card but only "to get to know Brad better." This tactic is the obvious nod to the audience saying "I will not be getting naked with this guy."

Emily finally broke down and said she loves Brad. Brad broke all the rules and told Emily he loves her too. Wait a second. Isn't that against the rules? ABC is so crafty. They are going to great lengths to set her up as the next Bachelorette.

Dental Student

I'm not ready to call her by her name yet. After last week, I just can't look at her the same way.

The date with the Dental Student started out with a helicopter ride. The Dental Student freaked out and said that helicopters are her biggest fear. The Bachelor is probably not the show for you if helicopters are your biggest fear.

ABC risked the lives of Brad and the Student by having another picnic in the wild. All of the sudden, the Student has no problem discussing how.......she's a student. Un-freakin-believable. I'm a brain surgeon. Well I'm actually a med student. But really I'm pre-med. But in all honesty, I'm the president of the Future Doctors Club at my high school.

Brad said that the Student reminds him of himself when he was her age (i.e. you seem really young). Though she's older than Emily, she has the maturity of a 17 year old.

It's probably an understatement to say dinner with Ashley went poorly. Though Brad thinks the Student is "one-in-a-million," he can't seem to make any sense when he talked to her. Brad should understand that he has trouble talking to her because he's no longer interested in her. Awkwardness at this stage? No rose for you.

Rose Ceremony

Brad seemed overwhelmed by the enormity of this decision. I think he should take it seriously since the final two ladies come home to meet Chad. For those of you that have been under a rock for the past 5 years, that's Brad's really cool twin brother.


At the beginning of the rose ceremony, Brad pulled the Student aside to tell her that they've lost their mojo together. They then proceeded to have the stupidest ten minute conversation about what went wrong that culminated in the Student getting axed.

Brad always thought the Student was going to be in the final two. Brad said he was amazed at how quickly things can change. Brad succinctly summed up why meeting a spouse on the Bachelor is a bad idea.

That means it's the Divorcee vs. the Next Bachelorette for the grand finale in two weeks.

Until next week, when the Student inevitably destroys Brad on The Women Tell All...

The Bachelor Episode VIII: Brad's Final Four

This season is in the home stretch as we settle into the hometown dates. With the Food Writer and CEMII cut last week, we are left with the Sh/Chantels, the Dentist (more on that later) and our next Bachelorette, Emily. Before the dates, Brad lists his concerns with each woman:

• Chantal can be “emotional”
• Ashley needs too much reassuring
• Shawntel works with dead people
• Emily’s past may set the bar too high

Chantal’s Wedding Crashers themed Hometown Date

And now for the required picture of the Space Needle (this reminds me, watch Portlandia on IFC).

Chantal welcomes Brad to her home where we find out that Brad is a liar. Chantal has a cat, Jinxie, that does what cats do – look bored/annoyed. Chantal has two dogs, Boca and Bailey, that lead to Brad’s lie. The friends of WWT were able to uncover this photo of Chantal’s dog

Brad’s response: “That is the cutest dog.” False. There is no way in hell Brad though that. Mrs. Dugan believes that Chantal could pull a Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days by womanizing Brad’s Austin Loft. While Chantal’s parents live four streets away, they live a world apart. The coolest part was that ABC managed to get Todd Cleary and Kathleen Cleary from Wedding Crashers to stand in for Chantal’s brother and mother.

This may look familiar, but this is Brad and Chris Harrison discussing the Chantal Hometown date.

Dad or Step-Dad Mike offers up Chantal pretty quickly - without Brad having to ask – and would be “proud to have him as my son in law.” Enough said.

Ashley’s Maine Event

Perhaps Brad and Ashley did not want to run into Reid or Droopy Dog in Philadelphia like faithful blog readers Michelle and Dave did recently because the Dentist brought Brad to Madawaska, Maine. This should not be confused with nearby Madawaska, New Brunswick, Canada.

Brad gets tested on his French (fails) and eats some Poutine which Dugan will gladly try once off the diet. Madawaska takes “small town” to a new level with goods being sold curbside on the honor system. However, Dentist Ashley’s father drops the bombshell of this episode with a little, “she’ll finish her schooling” when referencing her career options in Austin. We have been duped all season. Dentist Ashley is not a dentist!!!  Dentist Ashley appears to be Dental Student Ashley. While adding “student” makes her hotter, Dugan is having trouble getting past the lies.

Shawntel’s Chico Death Spiral

Perhaps Shawntel foreshadowed their future with a meeting at the Mausoleum. But Brad “loves it here.” It being Chico, not the funeral home. Brad “doesn’t handle death well” but manages to lie on the embalming table where Shawntel gives a pretty thorough explanation of her job. Dugan gives Brad props for going through with it. I assume the producers needed to add an extra 0 in the check for this week.

Shawntel’s Dad’s mustache was my highlight in Chico. Dugan was expecting Clyde Frasier and Keith Fernandez to turn up at any minute. Shawntel’s father gives an impassioned plea for her to stay in Chico, but Shawntel is dead set on a future with Brad. Only time will tell.

Emily’s Brad as Dad Tryout in Charlotte

Brad think he is going to win over Ricky with a kite, but he gets the added benefit of Dugan’s affection! Dugan has a soft spot for kites and this allows me to show off the greatest kite in the world. If Brad had bought little Ricky the kite (shown below), Emily and Ricky would never have let Brad leave, and the season may be over.

Brad lets Ricky win Candyland and is on fire. Nothing can screw this up. He has Emily swooning and the kid asleep. But Bradmund Freud shows up. Bradmund over-analyzes and a Bachelor/Next Bachelorette hookup becomes a “talk” about their feelings. Thanks for showing up, Bradmund.

And to the rose ceremony in New York:

1. Dentist turned Dental Student Ashley
2. Emily . . .

 It’s a Chantal v. Shawntel Showdown.

3. Chantal takes it.

 Shawntel’s run is dead. Until next week from Africa.

The Bachelor Episode VII: Breaking All the Rules

Where's Anguilla? That was on everyone's mind before the show started and the producers knew it. That's why they provided a handy digital map for us loyal fans to see. The map helped me feel like I was almost there with Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison broke the news to the Bachelorettes that the rules will change this week. There will be not one...not two...but THREE one-on-one dates, and one group date. The only catch is that there will be no roses on the one-on-one dates (but rules were meant to be broken...wink wink foreshadow foreshadow).

The first one-on-one date went to Emily. Her invitation said that Brad wanted to go to a deserted island with three things: 1) champagne 2) a picnic lunch and 3) Emily. I would definitely trade the champagne for a helicopter.

Brad and Emily got a ride to their deserted island on the all-too-typical chopper. Emily commended Brad by saying "you do too much on our dates." Liz noted that she could barely avoid looking at the producers when she offered the compliment. The date started off awkwardly. They both seemed nervous. They broke the ice by saying how much they like each other. Snooze alert.

The date picked up when Brad broke the rules (he got Dr. Jamie's permission) by promising Emily a rose. Emily promised that Brad could meet Ricky Jr. The producers are now just blatantly setting up Emily as the next Bachelorette.

The second one-on-one date went to Undertaker Shawntel. Absolutely amazing that there are still two women named Shawntel/Chantal on the show. Must have been a very popular girl name in the mid-80s.

Their date started with a walk around a local Anguillan town. The Undertaker says it's her dream date. Huh? Did the Undertaker from Chico really tell the producers that this was her dream date? All signs point to...ask again later (that's what the magic 8 ball said when I shook it).

They visited the Anguillan Miss Cleo. She thinks that they should kiss. Earth shattering revelation. By the way, how cool was that whole Miss Cleo thing?

Bradmund and the Undertaker ended their date with dinner on a "boat." I found an exclusive picture of this boat that shows the whole thing:


After 45 TV-minutes of whining about not getting a one-on-one date, Food Writer Britt gets the final solo date of the show. Bradmund looks like he's on the same 'roid cycle as Ronnie from the Jersey Shore, while Britt looks like she hasn't eaten since she arrived on the show two weeks ago.

Before they started the cliff diving portion of their date, Britt said she was terrified. She said that being terrified is her usual feeling. A terrified, anorexic food-writer? Sounds like a real treat to hang out with.


Brad obviously wasn't feeling it with Britt, so he decided to break the rules once again and send Britt home. Unfortunately for Britt's sake, she didn't see it coming and then grovelled to stay on the show. Dr. Jamie's therapy obviously worked, because Bradmund didn't cave in. In a legendary one-on-one exit, Brad sent Britt home from their yacht dinner on a life raft. OUCH. Britt then became the first rejectee to have to return to the house, explain why she's a loser to the other girls, and then pack her own bags without Hell's Ange assistance. Double OUCH.

The group date started at midnight with Divorcee Chantal, CEMII, and Dentist Ashley. All three of the ladies were fake-photographed for the SI Swimsuit issue. The hook was that the photographer challenged them to take their tops off. The first two, Divorcee and Dentist, obliged. CEMII, who has "done a little modeling before," upped the ante and did her photo shoot as a makeout session with Bradmund. Emotions ran a little high, and Bradmund couldn't handle the strain. Paging Dr. Phil.


(Liz said the above photo was "genius." Now that's some Valentine's Day love.)

Immature Dentist got the group date rose after begging not to be sent home. As Bradmund predicted, this sent Divorcee Chantal over the edge. Anguilla isn't in Vegas, right?

At the cocktail party, Bradmund finally turned to the best psychologist money can buy, Chris Harrison. Chris allowed Bradmund to break the rules one more time by skipping the cocktail party to go straight to the rose ceremony.

Bradmund decided which hometowns he wanted to visit and gave roses Dentist Ashley, Emily, the Undertaker Shawntel, and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Divorcee Chantal.

Yes, you read that correctly. CEMII did not get a rose. In preparation for this moment, a loyal reader suggested a couple new "classes" we might need to look into now:

1) O-Cem (organic chemistry)



2) P-Cem (the under-rated 'more difficult of the hardest chemistry class for pre-med undergrads - physical-chemistry)

The Bachelor Episode VI: I Think I'm Falling In Love

This week’s episode takes place in Costa Rica. According to Brad and the ladies, not even one of them ever thought they would fall in love in Costa Rica, but they all seem quite confident that it’s the perfect place to do just that. Costa Rica is actually an island shaped like a heart.

The first solo date went to Divorcee Chantal. CEMII wishes her well by saying that she hopes Chantal “gets attacked by a monkey…or apes.” CEMII must have had a premonition because it turned out that Bradmund and Chantal were going zip lining with monkeys. I’ve never zip lined before, but I have some questions about the process: 1) is it really that scary? 2) Is it that much scarier to do it in the rain? and 3) If I did it, would I say I had just had the greatest day of my life? For me, the answer to all three questions would likely be no. For Chantal, the answer to all three questions would be yes. And that’s why Chantal and I are different.

Chantal took the first solo rose and Bradmund’s shirt as a trophy.

It’s group date time with CEMII, Emily, Food Writer Britt, Dentist Ashley, Undertaker Shawntel , and Jackie. As always, the group date promised to be “an adventure.” I would like to see a group date to a library or a pharmaceutical lab for once. We’d really see what these ladies are made of.

Alas, it turns out that it will be the second installment of repelling. The producers clearly planned this date so Brad would have to break his pact he had with CEMII to “never repel with anyone else.” It’s going to be tragic when they have to break their “no eating sushi with anyone else” pact later in the season. Michelle got so angry that Bradmund broke their pact that she started hitting him. Obviously, this abuse occurred before the controversial Pepsi Max commercial at the Super Bowl.

The group date ended with a trip to some natural hot springs. I question how natural those hot springs were. Underwater yellow mood lighting does not strike me as part of God’s creation. But, hey, I’ve never been to romantic Costa Rica, so what do I know?

The group date cut away to a giant beetle back at the house. The producers continued with the Fear Factor theme by strategically placing the beetle where Alli would see it and lose her mind. How does a beetle get on top of a table?

The group date ended with CEMII spoiling Bradmund’s mood. Bradmund reverted back to his pre-therapy self and did not hand out a rose. CEMII threatens to “take matters into her own hands.”

Alli’s solo date started with a pony ride. Not exactly a ride on the Budweiser Clydesdales. Liz thinks the producers might be messing with Alli because she has horse teeth. The date continued with Costa Rican spelunking. The cave contained bats, spiders, and piranhas, but it turns out that Alli is actually more scared of beetles.

Alli blew it on the most romantic dinner date ever. She made the cardinal sin of only having small talk at dinner. Breakups on solo dates are always great on this show. Once Bradmund played the friend card on her and did not give her the rose, she had to put her rock climbing gear back on and spelunk back to the house. For all we know, she might still be in the Volcano.

CEMII showed up at Bradmund’s doorstep in a redux of Rated R’s performance on crutches last season. CEMII had some sexual healing to offer Bradmund. CEMII should have stopped at the sexual healing, but she started trying to be the puppet master by telling Bradmund who to send home . . . in order.

At the cocktail party, the CEMII show continued. CEMII started crying. Detectives Chantal and Shawntel proved to be the modern day Sherlock and Watson. They realized that CEMII was up to no good and found out from Bradmund that someone had given him “grief.” The detectives did such a good job that CEMII “Rated-R’ed” herself and admitted that she got a little extra one-on-one time.

The cocktail party came to a screeching halt when Chantal played the “I love you” card. Bradmund “thanked her very much” and gave her a kiss on the cheek. OUCH.

The roses were given out to Divorcee Chantal, Dentist Ashley, Next Bachelorette Emily, Anorexic Food Writer Britt, Undertaker Shawntel, and, of course, CEMII. This episode confirms that the producers are making Bradmund keep CEMII around. I can no longer defend Brad’s free will anymore.

Jackie was forced to “take a moment, say your goodbyes.” We’ve officially reached the stage of lengthy limo exit interviews. Love it.

Until next week, see you in Anguilla…wherever that is.

Episode V: Vegas Tears Edition

It is 5 weeks into the season and all of the ladies are officially "in love" with Brad. And while Dugan is in love with the blog, it's also the end of the month and has some billing to get to. Luckily, it was a pretty uneventful episode for blogging.

We have three dates to discuss, the usual one-on-one , Group Date and the year's first two-on-one Battle Royale Ashley edition.

Shawntel's Enbalming Exposé

6 Feet Under Gets the first one-on-one Date as the show moves from California to Las Vegas. Mrs. Dugan is confidant in 6 Feet Under and feels a hometown Funeral Parlor visit is in our future.  Shawntel gets to experience a slight upgrade from the Chico Mall as Brad takes her on an upscale shopping spree (Dugan is bored....UNTIL). Of course the producers don't let 6 Feet and Brad enjoy their Pretty Women moment. They parade Shawntel and her many purchases in front of the remaining women. (Extend claws. Have everyone who has had a one-on-one complain about said one-on-one. End scene.) After a considerable amount of this "one-on-one" was spent with the other girls, Brad and Little Miss Chico head up to the rooftop for some Embalming talk over dinner. Brad gives a rose to "the hottest funeral director" he's ever met even though there was some disturbing talk about Peaches, the cross-eyed cat.

Vegas Nights: The Ballad of Bradmund Freud

Nascar Brad takes the following ladies on a car racing Group Date: Alli, Food Writer Britt, Lisa, CEM II, Sporty Spice Marissa, Next Bachelorette Emily, Car Dealer Step-Daddy Chantal, and Artist Jackie. However, it really turns out to be a Bradmund-Emily one-on-one with the other 7 ladies leering longingly at our loquacious leading man.

The Show's producers went that extra level of dick having Emily race at the track that ended her late fiancé's driving career. Emily puts Brad at ease, pushes herself, drives and wins this Race for the Rose.

Brad realizes he has some pretty big shoes to fill, and the producers have wisely foreshadowed Emily's exit stage left to become the Bachelorette.

The remaining girls are jealous of Emily but none express it quite like Alli. As all fans remember, Alli had her own tragedy in life. She previously confessed to Bradmund that an ex-boyfreind once intimated she had a big derriere. Congratulations are in order as Alli serves up the quote of the night:

“We all have problems. We all have issues. Just because she has the worst story, she gets the most attention.”

Two-on-One Battle Royale: Ashley Style

This date lost a lot of steam once you realized the Nanny and the Dentist were close. The girls were not going to pull out all the stops to trash one another. Brad cuts the more attractive and stable Nanny Ashley to keep around the Dentist. I thought this would have been a good time for a double cut.  But now when I think of my former pick to go far and first impression rose recipient, Nanny Ashley, this is all that comes to mind:

Rose Ceremony

Brad stops by the ladies’ suite for the rose ceremony. Chantal lets Brad know that the women felt left out at the Vegas Nights date. Brad explains that it’s just science.

Alli gets some special alone time with Brad that she was desparately seeking. (Dugan secretly wishes she now gets sent home). Marissa gets some special alone time that she was desparately seeking and gives Brad a stack of notes to read. (Dugan secretly wishes she gets sent home tonight for the added humor). CEMII pulls some dominatrix maneuvers with Brad and lets him know that it’s time to send the others home.

We know 6 Feet Under, the Dentist and the next Bachelorette are safe. Joining them are . . . CEMII, Alli, Food Writer Britt (Surprise!), Artist Jackie . . . and Step Daddy Car Dealer Chantal.

Sporty Spice Marissa and her pack of notes are kicked off the show. Lisa is gone, but rushes home to study for the PSAT’s.

Till we meet again.