The Bacherlorette: The Doublemint Episodes Are Over? Or Not.

We have eliminated Britt but the Bachelorette hasn’t officially become the Kaitlyn show just yet. We still have the Brady situation to deal with. Britt’s emotional call to mom was immediately followed by Brady’s visit. It’s incredibly fortunate that a camera crew was there to capture the moment. And the rest of the episode showed brief glimpses of the budding Brady/Britt romance. It’s odd that by failing to become the Bachelorette, Britt has a much better chance of a normal relationship. Sadly, it’s with a former baseball player turned singer. Which coincidentally significantly lowers your chance for a normal relationship.

Anyways, back to Kaitlyn’s search for true love.

Bachelorette Boxing

• Fashion Designer Daniel
• Justin
• Chris Quinn Jared
• One of the Two Coreys
• Tanner Dog
• King Kupah
• Role Models Ben
• Trainer Ben

Laila Ali impresses the guys and gives them some tips. Here’s the training highlights:

• Trainer Ben is a monster and I fear for anyone stepping into the ring with him.
• Role Models Ben breaks a window jumping rope and shows he has no chance.
• King Kupah spends more time with a rugged trainer than Kaitlyn.
• Kaitlyn’s offered up a QOTN nominee: “I forgot he was even on this date”
• Tanner Dog, while concerned about his face, is also worried his first ever fight is happening on national television. 
• Do you think fights happen less often today? 
• I know they happened more frequently in the 60s and I have evidence.

 Final Thoughts

• After scrappy Chris Quinn Jared tells Trainer Ben not to take it easy on him, Trainer Ben obliges. It was ugly and CQJ went to the hospital.
• CQJ still managed some one on one time and a kiss. Side note – You should not feel special if this Bachelorette kisses you.
• CQJ reads the cue cards: “My head may hurt, but my heart never felt better.” Gag.
• Trainer Ben deservedly gets the rose.

This took far too long to create.

Underwater Thor

Thor gets the year’s first one-on-one and here’s what we need to know about the date:

• He’s an architectural engineer from Chicago.
• He gave the Chris Harrison Triceratops
• After meeting the photographer, he gets a little handsy. I asked Mrs. Dugan if I saw what I thought I saw.

I did. I did.

• Kaitlyn is a nose holder when jumping into the water.
• Rose Secured

Stand-Up Bachelor Men

• Federal Prisoner JJ
• Detroit Jonathan
• Welder Josh
• Dr. Harris DDS
• Hit n Run Ian
• American Pharaoh
• The Dude

There isn’t much to say about the performances other than comedienne Amy Schumer taking apart JJ.

JJ and The Dude

There’s a story developing throughout the episode pitting the Federal Prisoner JJ against The Dude. We have the over-confident villain and the healing preacher. JJ gives updates why he is better than all the guys. The Dude gives a soliloquy on love. He also calls Kaitlyn “Britt” so this love doctor better learn the girl’s name or he isn’t going to last long. JJ and The Dude reminds me of BJ and the Bear. I don’t know why, but I do know that Photoshop would only ruin this masterpiece.

Date highlights

• The Dude’s stand-up performance was bizarre.
• Federal Prisoner JJ’s review: “I couldn’t even hear him because my own brain is shutting down.”
• Welder drops a QOTN nominee: “I’m a love virgin.” Damn, these guys practiced their lines tonight. He’s obviously HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
• The Dude refuses to be lapped in the cheesy line off: “I’m not here for her. I’m here for us.”
• There are so many quotes coming out of The Dude that I simply can’t/refuse to list them. He’s approaching Hippie Guard and Protect Your Heart territory.
• Confident Federal Prisoner JJ turns into Prescient JJ and gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony Party

Federal Prisoner JJ, Trainer Ben and Thor are safe and the guys agree to give those without a date some time with the Bachelorette. Fed Prisoner JJ grabs her first instead cementing the villain role.

King Kupah is concerned things aren’t moving fast enough and doesn’t want to be a token cast member here for his race. When confronting Kaitlyn, she gently reminds him that he was the only guy that didn’t come up to her during training for the boxing group date. Knocked on his heels, King Kupah never recovers and a meltdown ensues. Before becoming fully engulfed, he delivers my QOTN: “I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot.”

The King Kupah tire fire continues next week.

The Bachelorette: Doublemint Edition, Hour Three

So last night I was very excited to watch the two hour premiere of the Bachelorette, thinking it would be the only episode until next week.  I had my once-a-week whiskey and ice cream.  Much to my excitement (and horror), I get to celebrate tonight with an additional hour of the Bachelorette.  It's double the bachelorettes and double the desserts.  I guess it's technically 50% more Bachelorette and 100% more desserts.  (Unrelated side note: Mrs. Wags does not seem pleased that we are turning off the Pitch Perfect marathon to watch more Bachelorette).  (Related side note: Have I ever admitted on the blog that I pretty much force Mrs. Wags to watch the Bachelorette?).

Enough about me, let's figure out who our Bachelorette is going to be.

The show resumed at the cocktail party.   With fifty five minutes left in the episode, Harrison revealed to Britt that the guys saw a future with Kaitlyn and not with her.  Britt got in the stretch limo (excessive for one person?) and cried (shocker).

Extra leg space for Britt's tears

Harrison told Kaitlyn that she won.  I feel like America also won.  I take that back.  She's Canadian, so North America won.

Sorry Greenland

Welder Joshua gave Kaitlyn a steel rose.  She loved that he built it because it said, "I'm a man!"  Kaitlyn is going to be a fun Bachelorette. 

The guys started scrambling for the first impression rose.  It seems like a really diverse crowd of guys, with a startling number of fitness trainers.  

Tony The Dude was not as excited because he was in the "hardcore Britt" camp.  He said he was confused.  I think he might be confused because he has a residual concussion from that black eye.  

Chris Quinn Jared admitted that he voted for Britt.  

Federal Prisoner JJ said he was 1000% in for Kaitlyn.  Expressing a percentage above 100% is a pet peeve of mine.  Earlier he said that he was 1000% in for Britt.  Apparently his tendency to lie did not get rehabilitated in prison.

Federal prison is the best

Dr. Chris Harris, DDS got the first kiss.  I'll bet he has good breath because he always uses mouthwash and flosses, as required by himself.

Ugly Gosling one-upped DDS Harris by getting the first impression rose and two kisses.  Mrs. Wags thinks they should just end the season now and give the final rose to Ugly Gosling.  

The rose ceremony followed shortly after, proving this show really could be just one hour per week.

Rose Receivers in addition to Ugly Gosling

DDS Chris Harris
Ben H.
Federal Prisoner JJ
American Pharaoh Joe
King Koopa
Daniel
Welder Joshua
The Dude Tony

At this point, Singer Brady pulled Britt aside and interrupted the rose ceremony.  There are no rules on this show.  Why doesn't every dude just do whatever they want?  Dugan, how about we write a strategy guide for how to succeed on this show?  (We'll discuss offline).



Forget what I just wrote.  Singer Brady left the show because he liked Britt more.  Though I do not respect his minor league baseball career or singing career, I have to respect his exit.

Back to the roses:

Clint aka Thor
40 year old Corey (Kaitlyn used his full name when she called him up.  I cannot remember this ever happening)
Jonathan
Other Cory (She used his full last name.  I only remember this happening one other time in Bachelor history)
Ben C. (no full last name.  I do not know what to think anymore)
Tanner Dog
HitnRun Ian
Justin
Chris Quinn Jared (Usually the last rose is the Fleiss & Co. producer pick.  I think our man Chris Quinn is going to provide some crazy this season)

Early exits went to:

The Amateur Sex Coach (DAMMIT)
David
Bradley
Magic Josh (Goodbye to our first good nickname)

Overall, I am fairly pleased with the direction this season is going.

Until next week...

The Bachelorette:Doublemint Edition

This season we have double the Bachelorettes and half the viewers. ZING! You want to know why Farmer Chris’ debut was so much better than the Britt/Kaitlyn mash up? Three words and one very important distinction. THE ALBINO RHINO. I think he should provide a cameo in every premiere episode. It could be the Bachelor/ette’s version of Jay Thomas visiting Letterman for Christmas. Having said that, let’s stroll down memory lane and remember how we got here. Farmer Chris cut both actress Britt and comedienne Kaitlyn. We have a first with two women competing for the role of Bachelorette. Fleiss & Co. have been working with Britt and Kaitlyn to perfect their roles. The serious and sincere actress v. the laid back jokester. It’s difficult typing “sincere” as an adjective for Britt, but she read her lines so well.

Here’s a run-down with links to additional information for this season’s contestants. Much like your bloggers, they span the country from California to Florida, as well as from Texas to Canada and range in age from 25 to 35.

Ben H., 26, a software salesman from Denver, CO

Ben Z., 26, an entrepreneur from San Jose, CA

Bradley, 25, an international auto shipper from Atlanta, GA

Brady, 33, a singer-songwriter from Nashville, TN

Chris, 28, a dentist from Nashville, TN

Clint, 27, an architectural engineer from Chicago, IL

Corey, 30, an investment banker from New York, NY

Cory, 35, a residential developer from Pearland, TX

Daniel, 28, a fashion designer from Nashville, TN

David, 28, a real estate agent from Orlando, FL

Ian, 28, an executive recruiter from Los Angeles, CA

Jared, 26, a restaurant manager from Warwick, RI

JJ, 32, a former investment banker from Denver, CO

Joe, 28, an insurance agent from Columbia, KY

Jonathan, 33, an automotive spokesman, Detroit, MI

Josh, 27, a laws student and exotic dancer, Chicago, IL

Joshua, 31, an industrial welder from Kuna, ID

Justin, 28, a fitness trainer from Naperville, IL

Kupah, 32, an entrepreneur from Boston, MA

Ryan B., 32, a realtor from Wellington, FL

Ryan M, 28, a junkyard specialist from Kansas City, MO (Don’t get too attached here)

Shawn B., 28, a personal trainer from Windsor Locks, CT

Shawn E., 31, an amateur sex coach from Ontario, Canada

Tanner, 28, an auto finance manager from Kansas City, MO

Tony, 35, a healer from St. Louis, MO

We get a sneak peak of some of the guys in their home towns and here are the highlights:

• Jonathan has a 5 yr old son named after an American Gladiator (“Sky”) and enjoys winter sports.
• Later, we find another contestant named a kid after an American Gladiator: Aurelius. Well done.
• Joe, aka American Pharaoh, is from Kentucky and loves horses. I was on the fence with the American Pharaoh nickname then his hair matched the pharaoh and it became too easy.  

• Josh, aka Magic Josh, is a law school graduate who moonlights as a male stripper.
• Brady is a former big leaguer who sings about his glory days as a Nashville singer
• Idaho Welder Joshua brings an early favorite for Quote of the Night (hereinafter “QOTN”) “Love and welding have a lot in common”
• Hit n Run Ian is a Princeton man and a former track athlete who hasn't let the serious accident slow him down
• Jared, aka Chris Quinn, is a Warwick, Rhode Island restaurant manager. Just for kicks, I looked up restaurants in Warwick, Rhode Island via TripAdvisor. Yes, that is both Longhorn Steakhouse and Texas Roadhouse in the top 10.  
• Oh, you are confused by the Chris Quinn nickname? No longer…

• Tony, aka The Dude, abides

• Trainer Ben from San Jose misses his mom and wants a wife.

Let's move on and meet the rest of the men as they entered the show. As discussed on previous premiere episodes, this is late and all nicknames are to be considered in production and always subject to change should a better or funnier option present itself. We welcome suggestions in the comments.

Limo 1.

• Ben, aka Role Model, is a software salesman from Colorado who sponsors children. I don’t know what that means?
• He also later sets himself apart by asking Kaitlyn about her tattoos. Kaitlyn informed the viewers that Chris never asked about her tattoos. (Ok, I find that very interesting. I feel like I could do an entire blog entry about Chris’ failure to ask Kaitlyn about her tattoos but I digress…)

• Jonathan comes out of the limo and basically ignores Kaitlyn
• Clint, aka Thor, is an Archie Engineer from Chicago
• First impressions? Meh. But when he later gives Kaitlyn a framed picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops? FAVORITE!
• Realtor Ryan calls Britt a Disney Princess
• Chris Quinn continues the parade of early men interested in Britt over Kaitlyn.
• Kupah – aka King Koopa, continues the Britt Love as Kaitlyn begins to wonder if the deck is stacked against her.

Limo 2

• Singer Brady also prefers Britt
• Cory, a Residential Developer from Texas, switched things up and prefers Kaitlyn
• Hit n Run Ian also prefers Kaitlyn
• JJ immediately annoys Mrs. Dugan and I by listing his occupation as “former investment banker”. Are you retired? Unemployed? What is your current occupation? I’m a former bond hall computer consultant but I don’t list that on business cards today.
• He does win over Kaitlyn’s heart with a joke right up her alley…“I would love to puck you”
• Ryan, aka The Junkyard Dog, is going to be our comet this season. Burn bright, Junkyard Dog, as you will not last long.
• Brad, the international car shipper, made a tennis “love” joke and you know Dugan loves corny.
• Daniel dances like Elaine Benes and is in the fashion industry
• Magic Josh shows his skills and Kaitlyn is not impressed: “Britt, you can have him”
• American Pharaoh brings Moonshine and Kaitlyn obliges. The Dude approves.
• Justin brings Helium Balloons for Kaitlyn and Britt is starting to get annoyed at the lack of gifts.
• Tanner is a dog’s name but also the name of a 28 yr old Auto Finance Manager who brought Britt tissues
• Shawn B, is a personal trainer who asks for a group hug. I have considered Menage a Shawn or The Ugly Gosling which mixes Ugly Duckling with Ugly Gosling. Works on multiple levels. Wheels within Wheels. Let us know.

Limo 3

• David, an Orlando Real Estate Agent prefers Kaitlyn
• Corey, an Investment Banker/volleyball player from NY also heads Kaitlyn’s way first
• Healer Tony, The Dude, lets both women know that “the universe provides”
• The Dude also had a black eye which received no explanation.

The Junkyard Dog gets “white-boy wasted” according to King Koopa and here are the highlights lowlights

• He explains to the group of men, women and staffers that he’s “Horned up”
• Drinks fireball on the rocks
• “I’m sorry I’m so awesome”
• He wants to date both
• “I WILL APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!”
• Drops some Champ Kind Anchorman quotes
• Goes swimming
• Knocks a picture off the wall
• Lunges at Britt
• Grabs Kaitlyn’s butt
• When confronted by the amateur sex coach, responds “You do suck, by the way”
• Fights with the former investment banker JJ
• Gets kicked off the show.

Let’s wrap up and meet the final few guys

• The Amateur Sex Coach (What, that’s a profession?) arrives in a hot tub car
• Dentist Chris, is a Mad Men Dr. Harris doppelgänger, and shows up in a cupcake car
• Welder Joshua from Idaho shows up
• Ben the fitness coach pops on in

The ladies share a few final words with the men. Kaitlyn’s joke falls flat and Britt said she wants an “adventure partner.” I want to know how many times Britt practiced that line. I actually think Juan Pablo may have treated the Bachelor/ette more seriously than Britt. She is the biggest joke ever. However, these guys are dumb enough to fall for her acting and she could leave a lot of men in her wake.

I’ll leave you with this gem from the Junkyard Dog who will be dearly missed.

“If you could be any superhero, which one would you be?” “Wolverine. He is awesome-looking, ripped, has attitude, and doesn't take any crap”

Until next week, friends.