Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Bachelor Men Tell All: "What a Dramatic Journey It's Been"
- Kirk's scrapbooking kept him longer than he would have.
- Unseen Moments from the show
- Roberto's attempt at popping a cork in Ali's face.
- Frank's dad gives a rambling toast
- Chris N as "The Phantom"
- Roberto in Portugal was apparrantly played by Ace Ventura (pictured below)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Least Exciting Episode In Bachelorette History
In order to enjoy this episode of the Bachelorette you need to go into it like you are going into a action packed summer movie blockbuster. You know what's going to happen, just enjoy the ride. Ali get's her mission... should she choose to accept it... Its to fall in love in Tahiti. There are many obstacles in her way, the first one looks like the Verizon guy and, just like his doppelganger, his act jumped the shark a long time ago. The newest 'I'm way in my head made-up issue' he is dealing with is closure with his ex who he hasn't seen in months, but before we meet her Frank needs to walk around the block a few times. Frank's first seen in front of 900 North Michigan Ave, then in front of the Drake, then in front of Georg Jensen, then back in front of 900 NMA... How many times do u think he had to walk in this circle before they wrapped shooting for the day??
Franks goes and visits his ex who apparently lives in a numberless room in a hotel. She 'has no idea what's going on' and then frank talks at her with no real clear indication that he intends to make any sense or complete sentences. When he finally starts getting thoughts out, all he can talk about is his great time with Ali. Lots of awkward silence. She must have had a LOT of botox not to have a confused look on her face. I'm uncomfortable. Oh wait, I think Frank and his ex just got engaged, wtf? And he still gets to go to Tahiti.
Before we get to the drama the will unfold with Frank we need to go on a date with Sweaty Roberto, they go on a helicopter tour of a heart shaped lagoon. Roberto is obviously a fan of the WWT and has seen the founder's of this blogs reactions to people like Break Dancer Mike, who waited too long to pull the L-card. It is not until after the credits roll that we get to see the best part of this date. Ali taking out some hidden aggression on a cocnut with a mechetti and Roberto's reaction of "whoa, I'll be sure not to piss you off"
Chris L get to go on a boat with Ali and instead of just packing his flippy floppies he brings his water socks!?!? Ali says that the date with Chris was "like a metaphor" for their relationship. "It was slow to develop, but if you just wait and giveit some time, kill a bunch of oysters and you may end up with a pearl necklace"
Finally, we get to the built up action packed climax... Frank confronts Ali. But before Frank can garner the power he must seek the advice of Chris Harrirson, who tell Frank, "This is Huge" Thanks Chris. I think Chris is bored with this episode too. Ali starts crying right after Franks say "we need to talk." This is really all you need to say in a break-up. Ali's crying already but Frank continues to talk at her, luckily this time he is fairly coherent. Even though its lame he's waited this long, it's hard to feel bad for someone who just spent two night in the fantasy suite with two different guys.
This episode shines a glaring light on my least favorite aspects of the show A) taking the bachelor/ette from a previous season's loser makes it hard to believe that the center piece of the show is that much of a catch. I'm a huge Ali fan, she's an exponentially better life mate than Jake (as we saw in The Fallout featuring Vienna), yeah she laughs a lot and I've had 'friends' that have broken up with girls for much less but for Frank to get this far and to opt out for an ex is not something that should happen.
B) WHY DON'T WE GET TO SEE MORNING AFTER FANTASY SUITE FOOTAGE??? No one even has to be in the room, just let us see who has disheveled the room more and let us draw our own conclusions.
Good new though, we seem to have a good men tell all on deck: Our fearless host tells TV guide the following.
"First of all, I don't know how much America will hear because we'll have to bleep out 90 percent of what was said. It got heated. I was pleasantly surprised it didn't take long for the guys to really open up about each other, whether it was Weatherman and Craig, or Kasey talking about his tattoos. They were very outspoken about Rated R's moves. And I can definitely tease we have a surprise guest and you're going to learn even more about that situation."
The special guest is almost certainly one of Rated-R's other girl friends. Can't wait for all the Canadians to be back, I've missed them.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sweet Home Cape Cod/Green Bay/Chicago/Tampa
Roberto's Tampa (with Miami music in the background)
Roberto met Ali at the "U." The U of Tampa that is. The University of Tampa has an amazing list of notable alumni. Baseball players Tino Martinez and Lou Piniella (and Roberto of course). Disgraced governor Rod Blagojevich. John Edwards' mistress Rielle Hunter. And last but certainly not least, professional wrestler Chyna.
Baseball uniforms are the ugliest. Strangely, Ali thinks they are sexy. Roberto has his jersey on with wristbands in case this gets sweaty. Ali plays baseball like Jake throws a football. She holds the bat like a whack-a-mole mallet.
Ali met Roberto's family, the Olgas. Roberto's family seemed as normal as he does. Like most contestants, Roberto needed his Dad's approval. He's an ex-army ranger and wanted to ask Ali a few questions. "Ali, please follow me downstairs to my interrogation room. Don't pay attention to the bright florescent lights."
Roberto got a blessing from his young-looking Mom. She should know a few things about this process since she was on the first season of the Bachelor.
This rather pedestrian date ended with a dance party.
Chris L. - How Cape Cod is this Guy?
Chris L. met Ali on "his beach." What a lucky dude. He informed Ali that he grew up on this beach. The beach was a real trip down memory lane for Chris which of course evokes memories of his mother. These mom memories are hard enough for me to handle, so I can't even imagine what Chris is going through. This is all way too serious for this show and way too serious for WWT.
Chris L.'s Dad finally brought up Ali's deceased Grandma. Ali says she didn't even think about that connection. This seemed like a metaphorical grave trampling by Ali to not even consider the similarity. She tried to do such a hard sell last season on the deceased Grandma story line.
Kirk - Green Bay - Holy Cow!
I guess it seems appropriate that a guy from Green Bay would constantly say Holy Cow.
According to Kirk, his Dad has never spent an entire day with one of Kirk's girlfriends. When his Dad asked Ali, "if she wanted to go see his basement," I got the feeling that he had never spent an entire day with any woman.
Taxidermy is the strangest hobby of all time. And Kirk's Dad is a bizarre taxidermist. He not only stuffs animals, but he also makes creations out of dead animals.
Kirk then brought Ali over to his Mom's house. Continuing with the Wisconsin theme, Kirk's Grandma wanted to make sure that Ali got some of the cheesy potatoes.
As someone who had braces twice, I really feel for Kirk's Mom. She looked like she went to the orthodontist from hell. I actually thought she might not have had braces but was wearing a grill.
Frank - Chicago - "I'm on a Boat"
Frank and Ali started their date on a peaceful boat ride through the city of Chicago. Frank proceeded to ruin the date with WWT-style overanalyzing of his feelings. He has proven himself to be a total head case once again.
Frank's family was really funny. They jokingly predicted Ali would kick Frank to the curb. No wonder Frank has so many issues.
Frank should have taken a trip to wardrobe before his date. I was thoroughly distracted by his V-neck/tank top/sweater combo. Liz commented that Frank looks like he just completed the walk of shame before his date with Ali. Maybe this is also a little foreshadowing of what is to come?
Interview with Harrison
The best interviewer in show business, @chrisbharrison, asked Ali the tough, pointed question about whether her husband was amongst the remaining guys. In a potential foreshadowing moment, Ali seemed to hesitate in giving her answer and was not sure.
Rose Ceremony
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Roberto's tie was loose for the 9th straight time. Frank took over the casual-dressed-male look. Ali had a crying fit about not wanting to send someone home.
Kirk got the boot. He will inevitably blame his taxidermist father.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Le-After-The-Final-Rose
"Hey, Can LeBron come out and play?"
Our sources (Chris Harrison) give us insight into what happened next. It was your typical finale, a limo pulls up... and uh oh, Cleveland is out first... could it be that the producers are trying to head-fake us and the first girl out is NOT the loser?? Nope, LeBron's face says its all and Cleveland knows... What happened next Chris? What did you say to them??? Tell us Chris??
LeBron then did the dutiful thing and walked Cleveland to the limo ride home.
He told Cleveland you'll always have my heart.
She responded with:
"Are you serious? I don't want it. I can't believe you would take me to the fantasy suite for 7 years and then break up with me on TV. You are making me feel like a slut and I hate you. I'm going to write letters to all of our mutual friends in crazy font to express what jerk you are." (this was the closest font to Comic Sans that Blogger seems to offer)
LeBron remained cool in front of the camera's but he was clearly shaken by Cleveland's aggression. Chris gave him a second by himself on the balcony to regain his composure.
After some man tears there was not much more to left in the show. 'The Decision' has been made... LeBron chooses Miami, hopefully all the kids stay happy...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
LeBron-chelorette Madness!!
Below is the re-cap of the entire season as we head into the FINALE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE HAS BEEN WAITING TO SEE. As LeBron gives his final rose of true love Thursday night, 9pm Eastern Time on ESPN.
Episode 1: We start with 30 contestants all vying for the love of a single Basketball Player. Right away, our LeBronchelorette has to eliminate 1/3 of the field and let me tell you it was THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON PREMIERE OF IN LeBRONCHELORETTE HISTORY. The rivalries surface immediately. Two head turners from Florida immediately exchange dirty looks and things escalate when the Miami Heat get the first impression rose. The Lakers don't seem to makes any friends and butt heads frequently with Clips, Celts, Suns and Kings on the first group date. When no one is looking The Celtics push The Lakers into the LeBrea Tar Pits which ends the first group date early with no one getting a rose. On to the first and most legendary cocktail party of all time where the contestants from Detriot and Indiana throw beer on each other and give us our first LeBRONCHELORETTE MELEE! LeBron is not impressed and sends both of them home immediately. No one else is upset about two competitors going home but many of the teams remaining saw the Knicks as an instigator as multiple parties witnessed The Knicks telling both Detriot and Indiana that the other said that "you were kind of b****" Also people began to question if the Knicks were there for the right reasons when they found out the Knicks have their own cable network and they were publically traded. This led the Knicks to be symbolically voted off, and LeBron, as per tradition, gave the Knicks the veto rose to keep them around. An early Raptors exit marked the end of a string of (Le)Brachelor/ettes where we've had entertaining Canadians play a pivotal roll. We're now down to 20 teams:
Episode 2:
The teams wake up early and the Rockets answer the first door bell in the mansion and announce that the first one-on-one date will go to the Hornets. They get to take LeBron to Vegas and LeBron becomes BFFs with their point guard at the Craps tables, the gifted rose at the end of this date is a given after the first 5 minutes of this date. The Grizzled Grizzlies go up against the Dallas Mavericks in the first 2-on-1. LeBron and the Mavs bond over the Cowboys and being rich, the Griz sit on their hands with not a lot to say and get sent home.
The group date brings the rest of the team to a Midnight Rock-n-Roll Bowling. The Cavs get a Turkey and a rose on this group date. The Washington Wizards have emerged as the team that wants to guard and protect LeBron's heart and is highly skeptical of the Knick's intentions.
Everyone is on their best behavior for this Cocktail party for the most part as LeBron has not rewarded the fighters up to this point. However the Knicks antics in the house continue to get under people's skin. This time its the Nuggets that crack. A Nuggets rep slaps the Knicks but then runs away. LeBron sees this and sends the Nuggets home and then cuddles awkwardly with the Knicks after and they talk about how people love to hate on the guy on top. The Bobcats and 76ers get do not get roses as they flew too low under the radar and LeBron didn't feel a relationship developing with them as quickly as he did with other contestants. The Warriors and Hawks are also sent home without a rose, mainly because it would break the laws of nature to see them advance past the 2nd round.
Episode 3:
There are 13 contestants left. LeBron tells us "now this is getting serious. I need to know teams are here for the right reasons." Knock-Knock... Who's there? a 2-1 date for a rose for one of the best NBA Rivalries, the Lakers and Celtics. The helicopter ride to the Catlina Wine Mixer had all the makings of a dream date but the two teams on the date constantly put each other down and belittled each other's accomplishments. This was not a deal breaker for LeBron and at first he seemed to enjoy the competitive juices flowing on the date. However, when it became obvious that they were not doing this to impress him he became disinterested and ended up giving neither team a rose. "The Lakers and Celtics did not tell LeBron he was beautiful once, neither showed remorse for that or for their constant bickering with each other." Maverick Carter told E! News after the show. While Maverick is not on screen because he's not the most attractive individual, one of the conditions of LeBron doing the show was that he be able to have text conversations with him at any time during filming.
The Bulls get a one-on-one date and they go to the Premiere of the new Twilight Movie. LeBron is stoked. They are both Team Edward.
In the cocktail party this time LeBron spends most of the party talking to his new BFF on the Hornets. This makes all the other teams jealous but no one wants to interupt because there is only one team not getting a rose at tonight's ceremony and no one wants to rock the boat. However, LeBron and the Hornets decide in their conversation that while they want to remain great friends, their journey on this show has probably run its course and its best for them to part ways now. They wish each other good luck and we have our first man tears of the season.
Episode 4:The 10 left get summoned to Larry Flynt's Hustler Casino in Gardina. They are greeted by some of the cast of Basketball Wives and shown to the poker room where each team has a seat at a table with chips ready for them. Its a winner take all Texas Hold'em Tournament for a dream date with LeBron. The Cavs win and say its the best thing they've won since they won the NBA Draft Lottery. Of the 9 contestants left, 4 play in a side game to kill time, the Wizards take the Mavs, Rockets and Spurs for about $25K each provoking the Wiz to taunt with comments like, "I thought you guys invented this game?" The Texas teams did not take kindly to the insults and all decided the game was just for fun and paid up with the fake tournament chips. Wiz reps responded by saying, "Its cool, we've got a gun for each of you" and leaving them out in the bunk bed room. Police swing by the house and pick up the Wiz. The Spurs and Rockets are also collateral damage in this conflict. The Mavs save themselves by telling LeBron that the Oklahoma City Thunder said that they have a player that might already be better than LeBron anyways. LeBron confronted them about saying this and they admitted they said it when they were drunk but wouldn't take it back either. They also insisted it wasn't an insult and that the Mavs were just spinning it to save themselves. Lost in all of this drama is just how much the Clippers really have no shot but have stayed out of the drama.
We're left with LA Clippers, NJ Nyets, Chicago Bulls, Miami Heat, Cleavland Cavs, Dallas Mavericks
Episode 5: HOME TOWN DATES
LeBron and Maverick Carter hole themselves up in Cleveland and have the contestants meet them there. The Nets get the first visit and pretty much never considered again. The Mavs have only gotten a phone call contact. The Clips have emerged ed as the Crazy-Eyes of the bunch, convinced they deserved this in life and its their time to get this. All three are sent home roseless.
Episode 6: The Final Four
LeBron just doesn't know... he gives all 4 roses...
The Heat have 'a nice pair of assets' in Wade/Bosh
The Knicks gave the best Business Case (the PPT is basically porn for sports nerds)
The Bulls have the most going for them right now
And the Cavs are home, the safe place and they made a movie using Gladiator quotes and music
Episode 7: Teams Tell All
All of the teams come back talk about their experience wooing LeBron. This is a great re-cap of the drama, the OKC really lay into the Mavs for selling them out, citing Bro-Code. LeBron even makes a little appearance himself... but doesn't offer any hints to who of the final four he chooses. The Nets are also absent, leading to speculation they may still be in the running.
Episode 8: Fantasy Suite Night
The whereabouts of the Suite are unknown to the viewers and seeminly to his final suitors as well. None of the hopefuls have the key or are really invited. However, in a final twist, the remaining of each of the four teams will be armed with $2M in extra cap space to either give to our LeBronchelorette or to other players that will make him happy, how will they communicate their intentions to him. The Bulls do it by signing Carlos Boozer. The Heat are doing it through Bosh/Wade. The Knick have Amar'e and the NY Media. Most Russian spies in America are being sent back to the homeland so that may damper the Nets chances. The reality is no one really knows whats going to happen. The favorite changes hourly.
All of this brings us to tonight's finale: THE FINAL ROSE
What is there left to say but...
Enter Chris Harrison...
"Gentlemen, this is the final Rose... LeBron, whenever you are ready..."Monday, July 5, 2010
Castle Castle Winery
Let’s get to the rather tame episode, friends.
5 Men Left: Chris L. Roberto, Frank, Kirk, Ty
Roberto’s Castle Date
I assume ABC has blown the show’s budget as they hand Ali and Roberto a digital camera and tell them to have fun on their date. Pictures, dancing in the street, and a picnic at a castle follow. We do learn that Roberto is a Latino Gringo with his lack of knowledge of even the names of the meals his mother cooks him. That’s 4 star gringo action for you. And Dugan understands as a Latino Gringo himself. Ali is still buying what Roberto’s selling and no one would be surprised by a rose at the end of the episode.
Frank & Ty’s Castle Date
We give (sidetrack- what does WWT give out? Thumbs up has been done. Red Light/Green Light has been done. Stars are played out.) whatever the hell WWT gives out for a helicopter. I’ll say WWT gives 3 smiling Chris Harrison’s for the helicopter on the two-on-one in Lisbon.
Ali has a lot on her mind and two-on-ones this late in a season are very awkward which makes for good viewing. Ali eventually breaks it up and Ty defends his antediluvian views and hypes a potential visit to his parents and their traditional but friendly values.
Frank and Ali are significantly more affectionate during their alone time and Frank gets past the uncomfortable fact that he lives with his parents. Ali is pretty drunk at this point and doesn't care what Frank has to say. To test her, Frank unleashes the quote of the night: “let’s live in a tree like a couple of monkeys.” This sounds like a viable plan for someone living with their parents. Yes, I know this know dooms me to live with my parents in the near future.
Kirk’s Castle Date
Holy shit, Portugal is filled with Castles.
Kirk is confused by “Once Upon a Time“ on the date card. Landscaper has to explain the fairy tale reference as dumbfounded Kirk complains, “that’s not even a sentence.” Horse Drawn carriage, castle and dinner follow. Ali seems distance for the second date in a row and the Dugans openly contemplate a Brad Womack ending?
Chris L. in Very Easy Rider
The Landscaper is dangerously close to the friend zone and Ali is demanding some movement on their relationship. Chris L wrestles the quote of the night away from Frank as they head out on a scooter:
The scooter analogy for their relationship is hilarious and I wish I know Ali wasn’t fed the line from a producer. Ali takes over the wheel and they get to their date at a winery. Dugan’s cell phone blows up asking if the Bachelor/ette is sponsored by the Food & Wine Industry. There are copious amounts of alcohol consumed on this show. Perhaps ABC is one and the same as ABC Liquor. Ali asks if the landscaper’s crew are big wine drinkers? Yes, and that’s enough for me to believe a hometown is secured.
Rose Ceremony
No tie plus jeans as Chris L. continues the shout-outs to Casual Michael Phelps. Poor Roberto still cannot find the top button on his shirts. And the reduced budget has eliminated the swinging parties on the nights of elimination.
And the roses go to:
1. Chris L.
2. Frank
3. Roberto
4. Kirk
Ty goes home. (yes, we checked the tapes. 6/28’s previous episode spliced footage of Ty from one of the early episodes to make it seem like he gets further. Don’t underestimate the sneakiness)
Chris Harrison: Special Bachelor Update
For the faithful readers of the blog, you may recall that Dugan went great lengths to originally peg Jake during Jillian’s season as a Patrick Batemanesque character. There was just something that wasn’t right about this guy. Then he returns as the Bachelor and picks fundamentally flawed Vienna. Who would have guessed those two cute kids wouldn’t make it?
Oh, everyone? Really? Damn. Well, who would have guessed that Vienna would come out looking like a rose in comparison to Jake. Well, considering that I originally compared Jake to one of the most psychopathic characters ever created, I’ll raise my hand.
Vienna’s accusations have their own technical flaws: Claiming emotional abuse as well as no emotion from Jake. But let’s not go there. Let’s just show a clip from the movie role that Jake missed out on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzz4QtbTu6M
ABC has to regret this Jake decision. Or not.
I’ll leave you with this: Jake and Vienna’s arguments about GPS directions, measuring furniture and canine potty training are the lowest point in the history of broadcast television.
Congratulations on seeing the low point.