The Bachelorette Episode 7: World Cup Edition

For those that do not know, the United States of America is taking on Belgium in a soccerball match on July 1st to decide who will advance in the world soccerball tournament in Brasil. This was a bad day to have the Bachelor have dates in Belgium and Dugan have the reins of the blog.

This is the last week before hometowns. You know what I think about when I hear hometowns? You are god damn right - I think about Bruce Springsteen.

Back at the hotel, even the guys are getting into the world cup competitive action. Hans (Nick), Gosling and Deere are playing for Europe with team scarf and Josh, Coach and Les Dylan are representing 'Merica with their vintage Bachelor hoodies.

Advantage? AMERICA.

Gosling goes full Brussels

This was a food heavy date and they start off with mussels from Brussels? Seriously. Mussels are delicious but they fall way behind the much more famous Muscles from Brussels.

What have I done? Jean Claude Van Damme on the eve of the US-Belgium game? There's only one image that I can think of that will get America back on top of the image game.

Yo, Rocky, you did it.

After some chocolate waffles and other belgian treats, Gosling and Andy retreat to the Academy Palace. Andi must have heard "Palace at Auburn Hills" because she was dressed like an NBA dancer. Mrs. Dugan and I uttered the following words within second spitfire style:

• Underboob
• Hood rat
• Back up dancer

Then at the exact same time: PRETTY WOMAN! I would bother to photoshop their faces but this is exactly what I am going for in this picture.

After Gosling, After Hours, and the Worst Hotel Security in the World

Gosling returns to discuss how well his date went with the remaining guys. Hans doesn’t want to hear about it. He i) walks up to the desk at the hotel, ii) very quickly explains that he has lost his key, iii) needs a replacement, and iv) needs a key to a women's room because it is actually his wife. This past weekend, I marathon watched True Detective. True Detective respects its viewer's intelligence. This move proves Fleiss & Co. have finally lost it. Or that their fans are the dumbest people on the planet. HEY! I take offense.

Josh Ghents a One-on-One

There really was not much to this date outside of the porno lighting make out session. I did enjoy the chocolate and the Duck Parade. That’s not a euphemism. That’s what it was.

Tour de Belgium

We begin the date with a grueling rail bike excursion to the Belgium countryside. Nick, Dylan, Brian, Chris....WHO? Hans, Les, Coach and John Deere. Way better...I was completely lost there for a minute.

They visit an Abbey with Monks where no kissing is allowed.

For those reading, you have to imagine how writing a Bachelor blog goes. You are half paying attention while searching for images of university presidents named "Monk" when you hear that Andi and John Deere have left the Abbey to go to a Pottery Barn.

Hell yeah my head whipped up to the TV screen. Did I see Andi and Deere drowning in earth tones in a suburban mall? No. I saw them reenacting the pottery scene from ghost. It was a pottery barn. Not a Pottery Barn. That should make sense for those who have a remedial understanding of the English language. Not so fast you French, Dutch, and German speaking Belgianese.

Coach draws up a perfect play but Hans intercepts the rose. It took a while but all the guys (sans Les Dylan since he was smart enough to sleep this one out) ganged up on Hans for the one true sin in Bachelor/etteville: NOT BEING HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

It's Rose Ceremony Time and Hans is Safe

• Deere takes some alone time to give the hard sell on Iowa. Truly. NORTHEAST IOWA. Population 700. Considering I just binged on True Detective, I picture Northeast Iowa a lot like Carcosa but in Iowa. You’ll love it, Andi.
• Dylan gave his pitch for a hometown: At least its not Iowa.
• Hans is crying. I don’t know why because I wasn’t listening.

Who is joining Hans?

• Josh
• Gosling
• Deere

Coach got to hear laughs during his goodbye confessional. #Ouch.

And just for good measure. GO AMERICA!!!

The Bachelorette Episode 6: The Elite(?) Eight

So I was listening to a Bachelorette podcast, and the hosts mentioned that we are down to eight guys this week.  Poor Andi.  That means she has probably reached the point where she cannot really see herself with any of these guys.  It is really the tragedy (and the beauty) of this show.  Consistently mediocre mantestants.  But let me tell you something that's consistently good: whiskey and ice cream...the San Francisco treat.  On with the show...

But before we begin, reread the word "mantestant."  Maybe it's the whiskey talking, but that reads funny.  Okay, now really on with the show...

This episode will take place in Venice.  That's in Italy.  Water taxis, gondolas, pigeons.  You know, that Venice.  

Way off

Closer

That's the one.

Solo Date #1: Hans Nick

Hans, the soon-to-be-if-not-already-a-villain, got the first date, much to the chagrin of Cody, the Albino Rhino.  Rhino is the only guy that has not had a solo date.  Hans better watch out, because the Albino Rhino is clearly capable of pulling a Mountain-on-the-Red Viper head squeeze.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, we're not friends.  Also, google it).

Back at the hotel, the guys were pretty excited about the "amenities."  If you forgot your toothpaste, call the front desk.  Mini fridge?!  YES!

On the date, Hans and Andi walked around, marveling at "how they made that," and "wow that's old."  Though I feel quick to criticize, it's probably a good thing that I was not mic'd up for some of my comments during Mrs. Wags's and my European travels.  

Said Wags

So this Hans guy has a speech impediment.  I'm not the only one that's noticed that, right?  Dugan and I would never have let him on our college radio show we had together (see how I dropped that trivia in there?).

In the evening portion of the date, Hans got to wear a tux:

Andi met him in a gondola with no one else around.  That was the real magic of the date.  How the heck did Fleiss and Co. pull that off in one of the more crowded cities in the world?  I guess it's good to have that ABC money, baby!  

Hans apologized for describing himself as the front runner, and then pulled a front runner move by saying he feels like he's falling in love.  You salty villain, you.  

Hans, looking like Daniel Craig's 7 year-old brother in his tux, got the date rose.

They capped off the date with a slow dance wearing masquerade ball masks.  I feel like there's a Phantom of the Opera joke in there somewhere, but I'm more of a Jesus Christ Superstar guy.

Group Date: Josh Griffey Jr, Coach Brian, Les Dylan, Marcus Gosling, JJ Dockers, and John Deere Chris

Before the group date, Andi got her third secret admirer letter.  She seems pretty interested in figuring out who it is (I'm hoping for Albino Rhino or Les Dylan; two guys with zero chance of winning it all).

The date was in Monselice, Italy.  They went to a medieval armory.  Fight to the death! Fight to the death! Fight to the death!  Alas, it was sadly not to be.  Instead, two of "Italy's finest lie detectors" were going to administer a test to each guy and Andi.  The guys seemed more nervous than expected. 

Some of the best lie detectors answers were provided by Les Dylan.  He has slept with over twenty women, but does not wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.  Though I was skeptical at first, I am beginning to think these guys might actually be the best lie detectors in all of Italy.  

The test also revealed that John Deere is the secret admirer.  He just never could have imagined that his secret would be given up in a lie detector test.   Snooze.  Alarm.  Snooze.  

The results came in:  Three men told no lies.  Two told two lies.  One told three lies.  But Andi the lying DA told two lies.  

Andi decided to rip up the results.  I'll bet she wouldn't have done that if she had told the truth.  You know who never lies?  Chris Harrison and Neil Lane. 

In the evening portion of the date, Marcus Gosling was his usual serious self.  He said he almost left the show, but decided to stay.  Andi seemed impressed by this and started making out with him.  

Josh Griffey Jr. felt that Andi doesn't trust him because of the lie detector test.  He was also very happy that she ripped up the results.  Josh needs to chill out.  Les Dylan is the Lothario with pee pee hands.  

John Deere revealed that he is the secret admirer.  Andi liked it.  Good for you Mr. Deere, you get to stay on the show until the Top 4, but no further.  

The group date rose went to John Deere.  JJ Dockers got his fancy pants in a bunch about everyone congratulating John Deere.  Dockers wants this to be a fight to the death.  Dockers has officially stopped being polite and started getting real.  

Solo Date #2: Albino Rhino Cody

Rhino and Andi went to Verona, the setting for Romeo and Juliet.  On the date, they went to a Juliet Institute.  Apparently, this is like Italy's North Pole.  People write letters to Juliet and expect a response.  The Institute sends responses back to these people.  I hope there are not a lot of public funds going towards this "Institute."  

ADAI (American Dear Abby Institute)

At night, the Albino Rhino seemed like he might actually be a pretty nice guy.  The Rhino put his heart on the line and said how he wants to introduce her to his family, but Andi was not (and was never) feeling it.  In a tear-filled goodbye, Andi sent the Rhino back to his natural habitat.  

As the Rhino exited, I asked Mrs. Wags if Andi's pants looked a little "strange."  Mrs. Wags made the observation I was not prepared to verbalize: "they don't call that color camel for nothing."  

Rose Ceremony 

As usual, Hans had a rose already and jumped up to talk to talk to Andi first.  When Dugan and I write our book, "The Unwritten Rules of the Bachelor/ette," hogging time with the Bachlorette when you already have a rose will be our version of Thou Shalt Not Steal.  By the way, I am going to start using "shalt" in conversation more often.  I shalt not have another whiskey tonight.  

Joining Hans and John Deere with roses were:

Les Dylan (shocked)

Coach Brian

Marcus Gosling

Josh Griffey Jr.

After Les Dylan took the first rose, there was no other logical result than JJ Dockers going home.  But congratulations Dockers, you got to promote your pants company for six weeks.  

Until next week, when thou shalt enjoy Dugan's analysis of Brussels...

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Parlez-vous Français?

This week, we open up the passports and land in Marseilles, France. We get a two one-on-ones and a group date and Josh Griffey Jr. is batting lead off.

Before the dates begin, our beloved host Harrison sits down with Andy to discuss her proficiency in french (Il parle mal le français). Harrison grills Andy whether she is falling in love and the possibility she is falling in love with more guys. Hey hey, we are in France, oui? C'est la vie.

Andy and Josh Griffey Jr. Set Sail

Could two people be more out of place in the South of France? I feel like they belong at a Hooters grand opening together, not a yacht in the Mediterranean. Josh brings up that he was a 2nd round pick. How often do you think Josh brings this up? Considering he's 29 and this happened when he was 17...we are 12 years removed from the height of his athletic prowess. Now, if I am Josh, I am bragging about the draft and not my career .213 batting average with the Ogden Raptors, Beloit Snappers, West Virginia Power, Brevard County Manatees, or Charlotte County Redfish.

It was not his poor average, fielding, slugging or general overall play that kept him from the majors...or even his failure to make Double A ball, it was Josh's desire to be with and have a family.  I'll buy that because he did join brother and All Time Sec Passer Aaron Murray at UGA after baseball flamed out.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (do you know how to say "ranch" in french? ranch.), Hans and Dockers try to stir up shit by telling Famous Amos that Frat Bro 1 commented about Andy keeping the black guys. This turns out to be a relatively minor incident as Frat Bro 1 denies it and Famous Amos takes him at his word. However...Famous Amos gives us hints of a Mesnick and Flajnik. We know the Mesnick is the hunched over the balcony with tears and the Flajnic is a Mesnick without tears. Famos Amos pulled a Flajnik at the balcony but later looked like tears turned it into a Mesflaj. A what?

The best part was Frat Bro 1's denial included some rap references:
"With so much drama in the A-B-C
It's kinda hard bein Frat Bro O-N-E"

Griffey Date Highlights

• They go to Palais Longchamp where they make purses
• Josh Griffey got cheated on by having a girlfriend kiss another guy. 
• That’s enough for Andy. She let's her guard down now and gives up the rose. Be careful, Andy. Coach Mark Jackson will warn you: Hand down = Man down.
• Josh Griffey is securely in the pole position and front-runner to take the Final Rose

Sublime Mime Rhyme Time by the Seine

Ok, except for that first and last part. We get a group date of miming with Gosling, Les Dylan, John Deere, Famous Amos, Albino Rhino, Dockers, Hans, Frat Bro 2 and Frat Bro 1. I really like how the Frat Bros stick together.

Let's give a run down of the events

• Guys were not thrilled nor good.
• The Albino Rhino raps. God, please let the Albino Rhino stay on this show forever. I want this to be "Choose Your Own Adventure" Bachelorette and I choose the Albino Rhino has to mime the rest of the season.
• They were so bad they made babies cry.
• Hans really not enjoying the mime date

• Albino Rhino and Hans square off about Hans teasing him for being too "thankful"
• NEWSFLASH - this qualifies as reality show drama.

We have three leaders in the clubhouse and all the other guys could go home.

1. Hans with the Mental/Emotional connection
2. Josh Griffey Jr  with the Physical connection
3. Gosling to stay on the show long enough to cement next Bachelor

Andy asks whether Hans is a little manipulative? YES!!!! Watch Frozen now!!! Run away from Hans. He's trying to kill your sister and steal the kingdom of Arendelle. Dockers gets the group date rose.

Coach is Not a Chef

Coach has one of the worst dates that ended up with a rose in the history of the Bachelor/ette. It began nice with a movie and some market shopping. That went well. Then, they decided to cook a meal together.

Save time. Don't watch the cooking scene. This clip does it justice.



Although if you don't watch, you'll miss the quote of the night:

Andi: “How do you like your broccoli?”
Coach: “Different ways”

It got weird.



Brian on the basketball court >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Brian in the kitchen. Luckily for Coach, there are simply worse men than him left on the show and he secures the rose. Along with a big 'ol green light for future kissing. Andi ended the cooking massacre and brought him out to dinner. This is what they discussed:



It's Rose Ceremony Time and Let's Cut the Chit Chat

No cocktails. 3 cuts. Let’s get to business. Josh Griffey safe. Dockers safe. Coach safe.

Who else is getting a rose?

Gosling.
Hans.
John Deere.
Les Dylan.
Albino Rhino!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye Frat Bro 1 and 2 and Famous Amos

So glad they got to stick together the entire season.

Off to Venice next week with Tim as your tour guide to love.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Andi's Big Event

So this is part two of the Bachelorette's 4 hour mega "event" this week.  I still haven't figured out what the event actually is.  Frat Bro Andrew getting a phone number from a waitress?  More Chris Harrison than ever before?  A special early season visit from Neil Lane?  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.  On the other hand, I will be making tonight a whiskey and ice cream big event for myself.  Heavy pour and an extra scoop.  I'm going to be like Andi after 4 glasses of chardonnay.

On to the show...

According to the preview, there will be a pickup basketball game.  I can't wait to see who can play, and who looks like they played tennis growing up.

The Bachelorette tour continued in Connecticut (?) at the Mohegan Sun Hotel.  Mrs. Wags was surprised to find out that it's not the (Last of) the Mohicans Sun Hotel.

Does it seem like these guys touch each other a lot?  Just noticing.  They all seem to get along really well.

Solo Date #1: Dylan

Nick Name Les Dylan (Maybe Les Dylan?) started his date with Andi on an Essex Train.  This continues another trend of Bachelor/ette dates on trains.  There's a long, mysterious history of train dates.

How Fleiss and Co. hope the train dates will go.

Les Dylan was anxious about telling Andi that two of his siblings died of drug overdoses.  For some reason, he felt obligated to reveal this information early in the season.  Why now?  Why not after the show?  It's too serious for this show, and definitely too serious for this blog.

Train date reality.  

Les Dylan is actually from Connecticut, so when he revealed the untimely deaths of his siblings, it was even more heavy that being back in Connecticut reminded him of his deceased family.  This is turning into a Lifetime drama.  I need Herb, the pantsapreneur old man in makeup, to come back and lighten the mood.

Though it was a roller coaster, Les Dylan got the rose (and earned a nickname).

Group Date: JJ Dockers, John Deere, Frat Bro Andrew, Nick, Famous Amos, Dora, Albino Rhino, Tacos, Coach Brian, Frat Bro Patrick,  and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andi took the guys to a basketball court so she can see manly, "sweaty" basketball.  And then she brought out a bunch of WNBA superstars.  That's not going to help them seem manly when they get whooped.

My favorite moment was when Elena Della Donne swatted the Albino Rhino...without jumping!  All the HGH in the world can't help The Rhino's jump shot.

The guys then had to play each other for the evening date.  Coach Brian led the "Rosebuds," and he was really in his element.  The Rosebuds were challenged by the "Five of Hearts." (I think the Five Hearts would have been better).

Thankfully, Coach Brian could play a little bit.  He didn't let his junior high team down.  On the other hand, the halftime score was 6-6.  But, alas, Coach Brian and his Rosebuds took control in the 2nd half.  Famous Amos noted that the Rosebuds "breathe excellence."  I told Mrs. Wags that I also breath excellence, but she said that is actually just the smell of Dewar's White Label.

The Rosebuds got to have a private after-party with Andi.  Unfortunately for Dora, Andi pulled him aside to let him know that their relationship is stalling.  Dora quickly got back in Andi's good graces by revealing that he loves his family and that he "gave up his religion" at age 26.  Mrs. Wags started singing at this point:



Coach Brian took Andi to center court so they could listen to Endless Love in the dark.  He took a half court shot, drained it, and then...blew it by not kissing Andi.  Andi said she really wanted a kiss after seeing the half court shot, but since Coach Brian blew it, she went and made out with Hans.

Coach Brian appropriately earned the date rose.

Solo Date #2: Marcus Gosling

The always-serious Marcus Gosling got to help Andi get over her fear of heights.  On the Bachelorette, if you can conquer a fear of heights, conquering love is no obstacle.  They had to repel down a building in tornado-strength winds.  It appeared to be the tallest building in all of Connecticut.

It looks taller when you repel down it.

After a quick awkward kiss while repelling down the building, the other guys banged on the windows from the inside.  Gosling asked if they should kiss in front of them.  Andi quickly said no.  Nice try Gosling.  You're not using Andi to position yourself as the favorite.

At dinner, Marcus Gosling predictably got the rose.  But before the date was over, they got to go to a casino and hear some country singer perform.  They said his name and I couldn't hear exactly what they said.  It sounded like "John Carty," but I don't think that's the guy.  

Rose Ceremony

Before the ceremony started, Andi got a special delivery in her hotel room.  It was a love letter from a secret admirer.  Please let it be Neil Lane or Chris Harrison!  

Coach Brian took Andi back to center court and got the kiss he missed out on earlier.  Wait a second.  They're still near the basketball court for the rose ceremony?  I don't understand how the production of this show works at all.  

Dora made the mistake of accusing Andi of not being open with him.  He then took it a step further and said he "came to meet a person, not a TV actress."  Andi did not react kindly to being called a fraud and being told that she has a "poker face."  She made it clear to Dora that he could go explore for a wife elsewhere.  Andi told the other guys that she has tried so hard not to have a poker face.  

When the show returned from commercials, Chris Harrison, our leader and spiritual guide, told us there would be no rose ceremony, but rather a sit-down discussion with Andi to celebrate Dora's life. 

At the end of the episode, Chris Harrison held his own rose ceremony and revealed that Tacos went home.  Needless to say, he won't be missed.   

Until two weeks from now, when we finally go abroad.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Andi makes them Sing

We find out that this week's dates will be taking place in Santa Barbara with only 16 guys left. After next week, we might be able to get past the "who's that, again?" portion of the show.

Hans and Andi ride off into the Sunset

Hans gets the first one-on-one in Santa Barbara. (Frozen Spoiler Alert) For those at home without a 4 year old daughter, the character Hans in Frozen comes from a large family and needs to seek a kingdon of his own, pretends to be a good guy, woos and gets engaged to Princess Anna, eventually locks up Queen Elsa and attemps to kill her before Anna saves her sister - the true act of love needed to thaw her frozen heart. I CANNOT wait for Hans to turn from good guy to villian because I KNOW it will happen.

Some of the guys even hinted at the skeptic Hans. Hans is slow playing Andi in a fairly obvious attempt to be the next Bachelor. This is something we blog about every year on the Bachelorette. A good portion of the guys have to be on the show just to up their chances of being the Bachelor.

They have one of those Bachelor “normal day” – biking & hiking with chardonnay. The truly best part of this date was Hans' dinner wardrobe choice. An Members only jacket with the collar popped. Better villian in a members only jacket - Hans or Ahmadinejad? Regardless, Hans secures the rose.

Bachelorz II Men 

The Group date included Coach, Famous Amos, Albino Rhino, Tacos, Paul Mitchell, Ron Carew, Opera Man, Josh, Eric, Frat Bro 1 and 2 and Gosling.

Some of the guys are concerned about \Opera Man singing domination. All the guys were pretty excited about singing with Boys II Men with Eric dropping the quote of the night in discussing his favorite BIIM memory. They helmed him “touch my first butt in the 7th grade.”

There are only three Boys II Men? Yes.

Other highlights

• All the guys were predictably pretty terrible and Boyz II Men were surprisingly charming. I vote to end this season of the Bachelorette with Andi and Josh getting together and Fleiss & Co pick up a reality series with Boyz II Men instead?
• Coach dropped an interesting "girl of my dreams” during an interview and we have to put him in a "Watch" category for nearing "guard and protect her heart" territory.
• Loved seeing Frat Bro 1 and 2 hanging out
• Opera Man and Tacos had a scream-off
• First time we noticed Andi drunk.
• Josh gets the rose.

Dockers and Andi in Bad Grandpa

I don't need to photoshop this picture as Fleiss & Co. ripped off Johnny Knoxville for the Dockers and Andi one-on-one. Some old-face make up probably distracted viewers but Dugan isn't forgetting those pants you wore, Dockers.  He also brought an interesting pants game to the rose ceremony and IMHO, his outfits call for far too much attention.

The makeup artists brought their A game making Dockers look like a creepy, old dude. Andy got a grey wig and a blazer. Dockers did secure the rose on this date:



Rose Ceremony

Ron Carew's gone and Hans, Josh and Dockers are safe.

• Hans' flowers break up some Andi/Eric time
• Frat Bro 1 gets in trouble for being a frat bro. He got a hostess' number and bragged about it. Why? Because he's a frat bro. Dockers not happy about it.

Who else will be moving on to next week in Connecticut?

• Gosling.
• Coach
• Famous Amos
• Tacos
• Albino Rhino
• Frat Bro 2
• John Deere
• Eric
• Dylan
• Frat Bro 1

Goodbye Paul Mitchell and Opera Man. For those younger people who know Adam Sandler from movies like Blended, google yourself some Opera Man when he was young and talented.