The Bachelor Episode 4: That Got Serious

Great news: Mrs. Wags is watching her first episode of the season.  When I tell people I make my wife watch the show, I am only half-telling the truth because she only watches the show about half the time.  She must not like an excuse to have whiskey and ice cream as much as I do.

The episode started off with Harrison "accidentally" mistaking Hannah Bama for Miss Cacka.  Accident?  More like great script writing.

Harrison then announced that they are going to a place that the show has never gone before?  A library?  Nope.  They flew to Singapore.  The women freaked out like they won the lottery, but at least Other Hannah was honest when she asked, "Where's Singapore?"

Time for all our loyal readers to be honest: Did you know where Singapore is?

I'm looking at the map, and I'm still not totally sure I could describe how to get there.  

Solo Date: Tayshia

Prediction for every date in Singapore?  Colton and his date(s) further sullying America's reputation abroad.

They decided to go bungee jumping.  Don't do stuff like this in foreign countries, especially when they spell it "Bungy" on the side of the tower.  When Mrs. Wags and I were in Zambia, some of our travel pals decided to do a bungee jump.  Every one of them had back pain for days.  

Tayshia, offering words of encouragement before Colton's big jump, simply stated, "Don't die."  Words to live by for most of life's activities.  

Tayshia said she had a secret to reveal to Colton during the evening portion of the date.  My guess is she's been divorced.  And....boom.  Nail on the head (though it wasn't the wildest of guesses).  On most seasons I would say this would be a medium-big deal.  For Colton, this is surely a deal breaker.  He wants a girl that has the maturity (and appearance?) of a 12th grader.  Having spent time in family court is a little too mature of a life activity.

This

Not this

Tayshia got the rose.  

Other Hannah, AK Elyse, Knicks Sydney, Kirpa, Sixpence Heather, Nigerian Nightmare Onyeka, Crazy Tracy, Demi, Camila Cabella Nicole, Peach Courtney, Teacher Cassie, and Hanna Bama

Remember when I said they were going to ruin America's reputation?

That didn't take long.

In possibly the worst Bachelor date ever, they went to a leech spa.  I've been terrified of leeches since childhood for one reason:  Stand By Me.

via GIPHY

There was so little chemistry on these dates that a street tarot card reader described Teacher Cassie as Colton's "past life sister."  

In the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said the most important thing for a man to know is that his wife has "noble character."  Mrs. Wags and I both promised to have noble character during our wedding vows.  Hannah knows what's up. She seems so smart.  Must be the pageant study sessions.  

Demi said she's gone through a lot and is "still" going through it.  I assumed she was going to say that she has an ex-boyfriend that won't leave her alone, but it turns out her mom was just released from federal prison.  Unfortunately, Demi did not reveal the type of crime.  What would be okay to Colton?  Drug trafficking? Not okay.  Conspiracy to commit a crime?  Probably not.  Real estate fraud?  Maybe.  Gun possession?  That's the best case scenario.  Colton is definitely a big 2nd Amendment guy.

Mrs. Wags, watching the show for the first time this season, wondered why Fleiss and Co. cast 25 girls that are pretty much all Corinne.

Proving that he believes in restorative justice, Colton gave the group date rose to Demi.

Solo Date: Miss North Cackalacka

The date was a shopping trip to a women's clothing store at a mall.  While Colton and the viewing audience were supposed to be admiring the dresses, I couldn't stop analyzing the speech impediment caused by Ms. Cack's veneers.  

Later that night, Ms. Cack had a deep secret to reveal.  Ms. Cack's struggles with intimacy are due to being drugged and sexually assaulted in college at a frat party.  There's not much to say on blogger.com about one of the more somber moments on the Bachelor.  Colton seemed to handle it pretty well.  Going forward, this means Hannah Bama has not chance against Cakalacka.  

Cack got the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Colton took Other Hannah to his hotel room.  She was very impressed that the bed was so neatly made.  It's a hotel room, dummy.  Colton had nothing to do with it.  They proceeded to get. it. on. on the hotel bed....while wearing their shoes.  Gross.  There might be leech guts in the bed now.  

Hannah Bama and Cackalacka hashed it out.  Cack said they should support each other as women and apologized.  Maybe she is the most admirable person on the show?  They put aside their differences and now agree that they are basically the same person.

On the other end of the spectrum, Demi told Colton that Peach Courtney is verbally abusive and the "cancer of the house."  Peach then called out Demi and said she's fake.  What a dumb Bachelor fight.

Joining Tayshia, Demi, and Cack with roses was

Other Hannah

Sixpence Heather

Kirpa

Hannah Alabama
Katie
AK Elyse
Knicks Sydney
Teacher Cassie
Camila Cabela
Nigerian Nightmare

Goodbye Peach Courtney and Crazy Tracy.  Upon leaving, Demi said, "Dr. Demi cut out the cancer."  Looks like we have the nickname we've been waiting for.

The Bachelor Episode 3: Technical Difficulties Edition

It's 8:34pm eastern. Dugan walks downstairs after reading Chapter 22 of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with the oldest lil' Dugan. I click on the DVR and see we have a recording fail. We have missed the first 34 minutes of the show! Oh no! North Cackalacky is crying. Why? Does it involve her pageant rival Hannah Alabama? OF COURSE IT DOES! Will I be able to blog even though I missed the first 30 minutes? OF COURSE I WILL!

Tale as old as time

True as it can be

Barely even friends

Then somebody gets a crown

Unexpectedly

Just a little change

Small to say the least

Both a little scared

Neither one prepared

Cackalacky & Bama will make you say "oh jeez"

I was a little Beauty and the Beast inspired because it truly is a Bachelor/ette tale as old as time: "If you like her, you can't like me." This one adds another layer because usually the girls are more different. In this version, North Cackalacky and Hannah Alabama are two sides of the same coin. Brunette Beauty Pageant Belles. 

But Brunette

AK Elyse in San Diego

I really like AK Elyse' nickname. I don't remember if it references AK-47s, Alaska or Arkansas. It's fun. 

Is anything interesting going to happen on this date? Unlikely. AK Elyse is concerned about their age difference of 6 years. I don't feel age difference is a big deal once you are out of school. I don't think a 31 and 25 year old are incompatible. But imagine a 3L dating a college freshman. Same age difference and it would have been HILARIOUS! Is it the 18 to 24? Or the school part? 

They spend the day in Belmont Park with kids, lots of screaming kids. One of the kids has kissed a boy, giving her more experience than Sixpence. AK tells a tragic story of her sister dying of cancer and secures the rose. You can't tell a dead sister cancer story and get cut. It's simply not permitted and I respect Fleiss & Co for that. However, you flip the scrip once and you'll really make people lose their damn minds. Just think about it.

But, it's not just a rose that AK gets. But a TeniIle Arts concert! I googled but there is no information available about this artist. 

“Every strong man needs a stronger woman” Group Date with Tayshe, Mina, Brightlight Catherine, Dancer Sidney Nigerian Nightmare, Teacher Cassie, Camila Cabella and Toronto Catlin

Terry and Rebecca Crews welcome the ladies to a group date where they will compete for Colton in various strength competitions. They say that Rebecca Crews is an actress. Are you an actress if you always play yourself? Am I an actor? What more is involved here?

Some strong woman competition highlights.

• Brightline is a martial arts expert.
• Dancer Sidney can stretch like you would expect a dancer to be able to stretch. Not that I noticed.
• Mrs. Dugan's question: “What is Terry Crews in?” Dugan replied, “Old Spice commercials?”
• Camila Cabella is not going to fare well. It appears she went on the South Beach diet to get ready for the show.
• Nigerian Nightmare doing Christian Okeye proud.

The others didn't stand a chance.

One of the girls gives the quote of the night: “White chicks is one of my favorite movies.” We need to get prop bets for the Bachelor. I would have taken 1000-1 odds this would have been said this season in a prop bet. For the record, that quote was not meant to be ironic. 

In the post date nightcap, Canadian Caitlin gets the mid-date exit. This always comes to mind with the harsh exits.

Cocktail Party - No. Pool, Drama, and Roses - Yes.

Colton plays in the pool like he's 15, not 25. Knocking girls off rafts and cannonballs? Maybe 10, not 15. However, no one is paying attention to the child in the pool because Fleiss & Co. have a simmering princess fight to film. 

Hannah Alabama is very straightforward: "There’s a beautiful monster inside of me…there’s a tank of rage…and it’s full…GROWL”

Miss Northcakalacka brings some serious heat. Basically, she says they were friends until North Cackalacka started dominating the pageant circuit and Hannah Alabama couldn't take it. I could go into detail about the charges each lay on the other, but this gif makes a long story, short. 

North Cackalacka v. Hannah Alabama

To the Roses.

North Cackalacka has one (I missed the first 34 minutes, should have guessed thats what sent H.A. over the edge)

Camila Cabella

AK Elise

The other Hannah

Tayshea

Dancer Caitlynn

Teacher Cassie

Kurza

Dancer Sydney

Demi

Crazy Tracy

Ga Peace Courtney

Sixpence Heather

Nigerian Nightmare

Hannah Alabama

Goodbye Outback and Brightline and Nina. We lost two of my favorite nicknames. Adieu, ladies. Until next week when Tim will likely record and blog about the entire show.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Did You Hear This Guy is a Virgin?

First, I scooped the ice cream, and then I got the whiskey.  The routine felt familiar for a Bachelor Monday.  It was dark, rainy, and cold outside as I sat down on the couch.  I nervously turned on the TV, not sure if I was ready to face the reality of the information I was about to learn.  One question was in my mind and needed to be answered: Is this episode of the Bachelor two hours or three hours long?  And then I looked at the TV....and it was like Chris Harrison answered all my prayers and made this episode only two hours!

Now that I know I will have a decent bedtime, let's get on with the show...

The episode kicked off with Colton filming himself in bed naked.  He was basically interviewing himself.  I will not stand for this further marginalization of Chris Harrison.  Harrison asks the questions here!

Free Chris

Group Date #1: Demi, Outback Bri, Crazy Tracy, AK Elyse, Hannah G Thang, Onyeka, Brightline Catherine, Camila Nicole

The date started at a theater with hilarious husband and wife duo Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman.  You might remember him from his Christmas Yule Log and her from Mad About You.  Most importantly, Nick Offerman is currently a bald and obviously despises the people on this show as much as we do!  "Maybe Colton could give me some tips in the dumbell department."  Pun intended.  

All the girls had to tell a story about their first time doing different things.  

Colton told a story about how a veteran football player asked him, in the locker room, how many women he'd slept with.  For a guy that only played on NFL practice squads for a brief stints (see Dugan's research last week), this seems like a rather personal question.  Or maybe the story is made up.  Yeah, that could be it.  

All of the stories were pretty boring, except Crazy Tracy told a story about beating up her Sorority sister to get to sleep with some guy that was a virgin.  

At night, they went to a swanky LA Club (i.e. a black leather couch on the 39th floor of an LA office building with cool views).  

Demi broke all the rules and touched the group date rose.  This was against the rules.  It was so against the rules that it made Crazy Tracy "sick to her stomach."  This show makes these contestants in-----sane!

Every time Colton talks about sex/intimacy, I can only think of this:

Demi, the youngest of all the young blondes, wisely points out that there is no advantage to being old on this show.  I can't believe I referred to Demi as wise, but she seems to understand Colton.  Prediction: One of the young blondes is winning this show.  

When did Bri lose the fake Australian accent?  I missed the big reveal.  Did Colton also miss the big reveal?

Nicole Cabela said her autistic twin brother is her "everything."  You're likely to lose Carl with statements like that.

AK Elyse, the old lady, got the group date rose.    

Solo Date: Hannah Alabama

Hannah Alabama must have more teeth than the average human.

Back at the house, Miss North Clackalacka admitted that she knows Hannah Bama from the pageant circuit.  And you'll never believe this, but it turns out Hannah Bama is a fake and is not honest about who she really is.  We may have a future fight on our hands.  Roll Tide.

Hannah Bama proposed a toast to "Roll Tide."  It must be great to be an Alabama fan (most of the time).

The conversation wasn't going well, so Colton suggested getting in the hot tub.  They were not getting along well and the conversation was strained, but Colton cannot stand to lose a young blonde this early in the show.

During the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said she's not good at expressing her emotions.  I think she meant to say, "I'm not good at putting complete sentences together."

As predicted, Colton's not about to get rid of blondes in the 18-24 demo, thus Bama got the date rose.

Group Date #2: Paw Patrol Alex, Erica, Dancer Katie, Miss North Klack, Knicks Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Courtney, Caitlin Cyrus, Cassie, and Sixpence Heather.

The group date was at a summer camp that looked like it was a family camp in the Catskills.

Any Mrs. Maisel fans out there!?

They had a wheelbarrow race to determine which team of girls got to hang out with Colton at night.  One of the teams won.  I was too busy trying to find a picture of the Steiner Family Camp to see who won.  

Sixpence Heather (great 90s reference Dugan) admitted that she is not only a virgin, but she also has never been kissed.  He almost kissed her, but they just had some intense hand holding instead.  This could be the most tame fantasy suite season ever. 

The date rose went to Sixpence, beneath the milky twilight.

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Demi came out in a robe and took Colton upstairs.  As she took Colton upstairs, Miss Clackalacka delivered the QOTN: "Does she even have parents?"  

Joining AK Elyse, Hannah Bama, and Sixpence with roses was:

Tayshia
Teacher Cassie
Caitlin
Courtney
Demi
Nicole Cabella
Kirpa
Hannah G Thang
Brightline Catherine
Outback Bri
Knicks Sydney
Onyeka
Dancer Katie
Caitlin Cyrus
Nina
Producer Pick: Crazy Tracy

Goodbye Angelique, Annie (a young blonde bites the dust), and Paw Patrol Alex.

Until next week, with more virgin jokes and even more Dugan...

The Bachelor Episode 1: Wetter and Virginous

Ok, off to a rocky start. Don't worry friends, the most suboptimal blog on the Bachelor is back! Even though you likely didn't miss us, we'll labor on for you and look forward to dive into another season featuring former NFL player Colton. While the Dugan family managed to see Mary Poppins, Grinch and Ralph Breaks the Internet over the recent holiday break, we didn't squeeze in Aquaman. Pretty sure I saw enough of Wet Colton during last night's premier to make up for it.

Colton’s a wet Virgin. We get it, ABC. This virginity hook will get very old, very soon. I've always thought this show was an allegory on life and getting very old, very soon about sums up life so far. I must admit I didn't have 3 hours of Bachelor watching in me last night and fast forwarded through the live remotes around the country. Bachelor alums all over the nation prove how good Chris Harrison is at this job. HOLD THE PHONE! NEIL LANE IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

Why we watch

We get introduced to some of the girls. Cassie is a speech pathologist who's in grad school. Hannah Alabama is Miss Alabama who describes herself as the "hot mess express." Ok, I'm listening. Katie is a dancer, Heather, aka Sixpence None the Richer, is 22 and has never been kissed. Like, even by her parents? Never? Or are we just limiting this to romantic kisses. I need to know whether I should be laughing or crying, ABC!

Onyekachukwe Ehie, aka the Nigerian Nightmare, is a 24 yr old IT Risk Consultant. Miami represents with Nicole, aka Camila Cabello, a 25 year old social media consultant. Kirpa is a Dental Hygienist from Whittier, California. 

We meet Demi in Texas, but all I want to know about is her mom. Dad is with stepmom but plenty of people get divorced. We find out that Demi's mom is in federal prison. Get out your PACER accounts, friends! We need details.

Some Virgin Talk

It's been seconds since it was last brought up, so Chris and Colton decide to discuss his virginity. He also talks about the issue with Erica McNut. Colton contradicts himself repeatedly.

At times, he explains it "just happened" because he was a fat, awkward kid growing up. Other times he claims it was a "conscious decision." Did it "just happen" or was it a "conscious decision"? Actually, I do feel like there is some truth in there. It kind of just happened and then he was a virgin in life later than most and it became a more significant thing to him that he wanted to keep for the right time and place.

"It's a conscious decision"

Colton knows it's going to be an issue. He's worried about his inexperience and whether the girls will think he's "not romantic." Chris Harrison, however, comes in from the TOP ROPE! He tells Colton he has to worry whether the girls think "he's not a man!"

Almost there, coach Gundy.

Let's meet the girls

• Texas Demi comes out strong, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12…”
• Tayshia is a Cally Phlebotomist
• Heather, aka Sixpence, is another Cally girl, 22
• Nicole, Dugan's Miami favorite drops some great quotes later, aka Camilla Cabello
• Caelynn, is 23 and Miss North Carolina
• Sydney, is a Knicks Dancer 
• Elyse, 31, is a make up artist from AK. Is that Alaska or Arkansas? It's not like anyone ever mails those two places so why would you know?
• Tahzjuan, aka Tarzan, is a 25 business development associate from Colorado
• Teacher Cassie is 23
• Kirza the Dental Hygienist from Whittier, CA
• Caitlin is another Canada funny girl, 25 realtor 
• Courtney is our Ga Peach
• Katie, 26 is the dancing medical sales rep
• A sloth showed up. 
• Nigerian Nightmare
• McNut
• Hannah Alabama
• Tracy shows up in a police car as the Fashion Police, 31. I wouldn't care but Camila Cabello responded with a great quote: “Thank god for the fashion police because I've never seen so many sequins in my life” followed by “If another pageant girl comes, I’m out.” Camila is my girl.
• Angelique - Jersey girl
• Devin, Broadcast Journalist 23
• Revian, Nurse, 24
• Nina, 30, Croatian girl
• Alex, aka Paw Patrol is a 29 yr old dog rescuer
• Bri, aka Outback, is a 24 year old model and fake Australian. Get it.
• Laura, 26, Dallas accountant
• Hannah G is a 23 year old content creator from Birmingham, Alabama. She is not to be confused with Hannah B, a 23 year old from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Are you kidding me Fless & Co?
• Annie, finally, a New Yorker is 23 and...went to the University of Alabama. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
• Jane is a 26 social worker
• Catherine, aka Brightline (more on that later) is a 26 DJ from Fort Lauderdale. I didn't read many bios but Brightline peeked my interest. Of note? She doesn't have any tattoos because "you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari." Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss.
• Cinderella, aka Erin, is 28, Plano TX

PARTY TIME.

Quick recap time!

• The girls like Colton
• Demi is going to cause a lot of drama this season and begins by grabbing him first. 
• Miss North Cackalacka gets the first kiss
• Brightline is Fort Lauderdale's own Catherine. If you don't know, Brightline is our recent trainwreck of a public transit system. Recently introduced, it's killed more people than Florida's most famous serial killer, Ted Bundy. 
• One of the Hannah Alabamas got the first impression rose.
• Clemson keeps scoring.

Rose Ceremony

Miss North Cackalacka

Dancer Katie

Paw Patrol, aka Alex B

Hannah Alabama

Nigerian Nightmare, aka Onyeka

Caitlin

Annie

Kirza

Sixpence, aka Heather

AK Elyse 

Tayshia

Courtney

Teacher Cassie

Demi (THIS GIRL NEEDS A NICKNAME! HIVE MIND UNITE!)

Somebody?

McNut

Knicks Dancer Cindy

Outback, aka Bri

Angelique

Tracy

Camila Cabella, aka Nicole

Brightline, aka Catherine

Friends, remember the little things when you are watching. This show is high comedy. Fleiss & Co. setting up Devin's exit interview while the rose recipients "cheers" each other in the background.

Bravo!

The Bachelorette Finale, Episode 10.

The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl.  The Oscars are the Super Bowl of fashion.  And the Bachelorette finale is the Super Bowl of Neil Lane.  The special day has arrived.  One of the Bachelorette contestants (and in this case, who really cares?) will get to make the choice between several Hope diamond sized rings.  Neil Lane only brings the big ones.  

45 carats

According to Chris Harrison, this is the "television event of the summer."  Sorry network television, this is further proof that Netflix is taking over.  

The finale is taking place in the Maldives.  I've always kind of wondered how to properly pronounce the Maldives.  According to Becca, it's the "maul-deeves."  Now, whenever someone mispronounces it, I can smugly correct them and tell them I learned how to pronounce it properly on the Bachelorette.  I will feel so smart.  

Fav Garrett Meets the Fam

Fav Garrett met Becca's family first.  Confronted again with his divorce, Fav threw his Ex under the bus again.  All I want for After the Final Rose is a rebuttal from his ex wife.  

Just noticed that Fav Garrett has a wrist tattoo.  This will go perfectly with Becca's aggressive below-the-elbow tattoos.  

After an unnecessary amount of crying, Fav Garrett still looks like the Fav.  

Like Blake Arrives

Like Blake made a good impression with Becca's family, but Fleiss and Co. showed Becca sobbing behind the scenes about making this choice.  Things started to get worse when Becca's family told Like Blake he would be fine if he loses.  Like Blake, already a head case, is not in a good place. 

Becca's uncle (cousin?) asked if there was anything he should know about Fav Garrett.  As previously referenced by Dugan, yes, yes there are some things you should be concerned about.  

Back in the studio, Harrison brought on the stars of a new movie, "Crazy Rich Asians."  I'm not comfortable with this movie title.  No jokes.  Fast forward 15 seconds. Nothing appropriate can come from a white guy making comments about this while drinking whiskey.

After the guys left, the family gave their opinions on the guys.  The family appears to be in favor of Like Blake because he's "on her level" and will challenge her in ways that Fav Garrett won't.  This is a nice way of saying Like Blake is smarter than Fav Garrett.  Sadly, picking between these two seems like a choice between Don Jr. and Eric.

Garrett's soul mates

Last Date with Fav

They went on a sailboat and got surrounded by dolphins.  I think I know what their next hand tattoos will be!!!

Dugan: you and me?

Becca took the date on a morbidly romantic turn, stating, "If I were to die, I hope it would be here with you."  We haven't even seen Neil Lane yet.  It's too soon.  

In the evening portion of the date, Fav imagines a life "changing a baby's diaper" with Becca.  No No No.  Fav has the joys of parenting all wrong.  If he said, "I can't wait to discuss the details of when, where, and how often our baby poops," then I would find it more believable, yet still not romantic.  

Mrs. Wags asked me if Becca knows who she is going to pick.  I replied, "Of course not, she's in love with two men equally."  Mrs. Wags then informed me that she also didn't know who she was going to pick the night before we got engaged.  While this came as a surprise, I also had a surprise for Mrs. Wags: her ring is not a genuine Neil Lane.  

Last Date with Like Blake

After some paddle boarding, Like Blake and Becca had a serious chat (as usual).  Becca said she's trying to decide "what's best for you guys."  Like Blake doesn't miss the signals sent by these types of statements.  Neither does Mrs. Wags; "She's not picking this guy."  By the way, Mrs. Wags just started watching this season for the first time about 10 minutes ago.  Yes, she's always in the room when we watch, but usually she's Pinterested in something else.  (Fast forward ten minutes: Mrs. Wags just asked me Becca's name.)

In the evening portion of the date, Like Blake presented her with a time capsule of their time together.     Someone tell this guy that they have been on two dates together.  This is not an impressive gift.  

NEIL LANE TIME

Just went on Amazon to see if there is a Neil Lane autobiography.  Sadly, it doesn't exist, but maybe this is my time to write it!  Be the change you want to see in the world, right?

Neil's time on the Bachelor was quick, but meaningful.  He introduced himself to both guys, "Hi, I'm Neil."  HELL YES YOU'RE NEIL.

And then he was gone.  

Interestingly, Becca's sister had a very Elton John hairstyle. 

The Final Final Rose

Back in the studio, Harrison warns us, "you've never seen anything like this."  We'll see about that. 

Like Blake was first off the boat.  He gave an loving, yet sweaty, speech about his love for Becca.  Becca interrupted and said she's happier with someone else.  Poor Blake, it's a rough way to go out.

Back in the studio, Like Blake was with Harrison and ready to see Becca for the first time since the breakup.  It's now past 10 pm.  I didn't agree to this.  Now I'm starting to sweat like Ted Striker.  

Back in the Maul-deeves, Fav Garrett arrived at the proposal/breakup balcony.  Becca told Fav that she loves him.  Mrs. Wags said their excitement was pretty cute, "like when a toddler stops hitting you in the head with a book and starts giving you hugs."  So, yeah, cute like that, really cute.  

It's 10:30.  I'm done.  It's been quite a season.  The big winner was wrist tattoos.  Until next season...

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Overnights in Thailand

Becca begins the episode admitting she is in love with two men and falling in love with a third. She then breaks down her relationship with the three remaining men:

Fav Garrett

• He received the first impression rose and has been the favorite from start to finish, 
• She is clearly attracted to him but is concerned he won't be willing to commit so soon after his first marriage failed so spectacularly 

Sr. Banker Jason

• He got off to a slow start, but he is closing strong.
• She has no doubts they would be best friends (is Jason in the friend zone?)

Like Blake

• Becca says she's most like herself around Like Blake (good sign!)
• Their relationship is effortless.

Like Blake & Becca visit a Monk

The Monk

Like Blake and Becca visit a sacred temple where they must respect the grounds by not kissing/touching one another. Most couples that are not teenagers could do this with less complaining. However, the trip was not all in vain. Buddhist Monks drop some knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship work:

Honesty  

Ability to Adjust/Adapt

Patience

Giving 

These monks have given better advice on love in five minutes than this show has managed in two decades. But did you get a good view of the monk?

Later that night, Like Blake is like breaking under the pressure. In a tried and true issue, Blake is having trouble with his girlfriend simultaneously dating two other guys. He can’t take that she is dating other guys. Nevertheless, she offers the Fantasy Suite invite since that's like, inevitable, during this episode. Like Blake has Becca's heart and the inside track to one of the final roses.

The Buffalo Banker heads to Bangkok

Ok, so they didn't go to Bangkok, but I needed the B for alliteration. And they are in Thailand. Close enough. Its like Dugan telling people he's from Miami since that's way easier than explaining Fort Lauderdale to someone from Minnesota. Sr. Banker Jason and Becca walk around Thai markets and eat bugs. The banker seems at ease, comfortable, even confidant. 

Then comes the margin call. Becca makes an offhand comment about their future together and it hits her like a ton of bricks. She realizes that she isn't picking Jason. Tim has told us all along this would happen. Jason is who she would end up with in real life, so you don't go on a show to end up with the same guy. 

In a related note, Mrs. Dugan assures me that Sr. Banker’s hair disqualifies him from being the Bachelor/ette. Obviously she didn't read my thoughts on the Barry Melrose-esque hair of Sr. Banker. 

Barry Melrose for next Bachelor!

Dinner is not going well for the Senior Banker. Tim's prediction is coming true and Becca is cutting him without a Fantasy Suite invite. Harsh, but I respect the move, Becca.  Becca admits he’s a great guy and that she usually dates terrible people. Ugh. Gut punch for the banker. 

America, don't feel bad for Sr. Banker Jason. Do you realize his dating prospects in the greater Seattle area are now off the charts? Becca is left between the misogynist and the high school kid. Jason's going to do just fine with all the sympathy ass he can handle. 

Garrett and Becca go Bamboo rafting with all of Thailand

Becca and Garrett begin a relaxing thai bamboo rafting trip. Looks like the advance team for Fleiss & co. didn't find out it was a Thai national holiday and the river was PACKED! It looked cool...almost as cool as Becca and Garrett ending the day drinking Thai 40s. Good for you!

But with Thai beer

Becca and Garrett return to the resort to an outdoor dinner and chat. I imagine Like Blake staring at them from his room balcony in tears. Garrett is saying all the right things. I know he's in sales, but he is saying everything that Becca wants to hear. It's almost like he is being given lines from Rom-Coms and she doesn't realize it.

As Mrs. Dugan and I discuss how much of these lines are being fed by producers, Garrett states the following: “Becca makes me want to be a better man!”

Wait, that’s literally from a movie.

Sr. Banker Jason comes back for one more gut punch. People think he's a glutton for punishment. I think he is just securing the sympathy ass in the greater Seattle area.

All on purpose.

The Anti-Climactic Rose Ceremony ends with two roses for two men. Until next week's finale!

The Bachelorette Episode 8: You Better Be Vulnerable

Last week, Dugan mentioned he flies all around the Bahamas on private aircrafts playing in off-shore craps games.  

In order to feel adequate, I thought I would break out the whiskey I won at auction.  You read that correctly.  I buy my alcohol at auction.  Who needs Bevmo?  For those keeping track at home, I also have ice cream tonight too.  Let's talk about hometowns.

Fav Garrett in Manteca, CA

Though Fav G lives in Reno, he's from Manteca, CA.  It's about 75 miles from me.  I have never been there, but I always wanted to go there as a kid for one reason.

Again, F. Garrett knocked his ex-wife for taking him away from his family.  Though I don't do any outside research for this show, I'll bet her rebuttal to Gar's slander would be compelling.  Mrs. Gov, can you confirm or deny my theory?

At his family home, Fav's mom promised it would be "no holds bar (sic)."  With all that wine they have on the table, it looks like they won't be holding anything back at the bar.

Fav's mom had a chat with Becca.  Still scarred from Fav's divorce, she's understandably skeptical about this process.  I'm surprised any family member goes along with this process.  I'd have the hardest time not telling a family member that they are insane.



Garrett's family seems your pretty average upper-middle-class family.  Garrett kind of seems like he's the Lennie of the family.

Low IQ, beautiful hairline

The date ended with Fav Garrett still in the front runner position.  

Sr. Banker in Buffalo

Good Ol' Sr. Banker: the guy she should choose, but she won't because he's the "could-get-him-in-real-life" contestant.  

Sr. Banker started off the day with a wing-eating contest.  I love this guy!!!!  (But I guarantee she won't.)  

After the eating contest, Sr. Banker took her to the ice skating rink to show off his hockey skills.  This makes sense of his fashion mullet.

At night, they went to see Sr.'s family, but he warned the audience that he has "guarded and protected" his heart.  Do Fleiss and Co. issue these guys a script?  

Sr. Banker's dad also judges dog shows in his spare time.  

I've taken a sponge bath in smaller bowls than that.

Sr. Banker's brother, Ira Glass, was there with his husband.  First ever married gay couple at a hometown date?  I think so.  I loved how average it was.  No big deal.  Nothing you can do about that Kavanaugh!!!

Nice date Sr. Banker, but you have no chance.  

Like Blake in Bailey, CO

Whoa SNOW.  It looks freezing in Colorado.   

First order of business: taking her to his old high school.  It must have been fun to show off his hall of fame plaque, where he bullied all the other kids, and where he achieved his final educational level.  

I thought it was a curious decision to take her to his high school library (where he never went actually went while in high school).

I'm really going to regret it when I find out this guy is actually in medical school.  Nah, there's no aspiring doctors on this show anymore.  We can't even get a dental student these days.  

Think she got her DDS?

At his parents house, Like Blake's parents put aside their differences/divorce to come together for Fleiss and Co.  Unfortunately, it appears Blake's basketball coach (English teacher?) couldn't make it.  

The date ended.  These two seem really into one another.  

QB5 Colton in Parker, CO

Apparently, the adult virgin QB5 lives in a more temperate part of Colorado.  It's sunny and comfortable (and innocent) in QB5's Colorado.  

QB5 described Becca's "natural, motherly feel" as "something you can't learn."  He's starting to sound more and more like a virgin.  

It seems like she's not looking at this guy in the same way anymore.  It would be like Mrs. Wags telling me she's actually a USC fan.  We could never go back. 

QB5's dad, rocking the large cross necklace and braided rope bracelet, looks like he's going for the cool-youth-minister look.  

QB5 says he's in love, but I don't think his expression of love has gotten him into the top 2.  He's an obvious bronze medalist in this one.  

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, she met with the "people who know her best," five women from last season's Bachelor.  I feel terrible for her actual friends at home in Minnesota.  

Tia, QB5's ex-girlfriend, pulled Becca aside to be "fully honest."  I was hoping she was going to reveal she had relations with him.  Instead, Tia said she still has feelings for QB5.  So maybe these aren't actually Becca's five best friends?

Before the rose ceremony, QB5 pulled Harrison aside to ask him what the rules of the fantasy suite are.  Do you have to have sex?  No, dummy, Fleiss and Co. don't MAKE YOU HAVE SEX.  

Getting roses and heading to the fantasy suites were:

Like Blake

Sr. Banker Jason (WHAT!?)

Fav Garrett

Goodbye QB5.  Thankfully he doesn't have to feel obligated.  

While the fantasy suites always bring some intrigue to the show, I would love to see a spelling bee between these three.  Sr. Banker would clean up.