The Bachelorette Episode 5: Keep it 100

So after Mrs. Wags dubbed Dean "90210," we started talking about how big of a fan she was of 90210.  Unlike Mrs. Wags, I have only seen a few episodes from the final few seasons.  In order to fully appreciate 90210 Dean's nickname, we decided we would watch all 292 episodes of "9-0."  Currently, we are on episode six and have already tackled cheating on quizzes, racism, shoplifting, and alcohol abuse.  Why didn't I watch this show in 1990?  Oh yeah, I was too busy watching every Will Clark at bat and Saved By The Bell.  Maybe we start a second blog recapping every 9-0 episode?  You with me Dugan?

Okay, enough about my hero Dylan, it's time to start hours three and four of the Bachelorette.  For this much Bach in one week, you know there's whiskey and ice cream.  

We resume the show with the 2-on-1 date with Kenny Boom and Robert E. Lee (remember, Dugan nicknamed this guy BEFORE anyone knew he was a racist).  

Fleiss and Co. love to have the 2-on-1 dates in the middle of nowhere.  It could be a glacier, but it's often in the wilderness and only reachable by helicopter or train.  

Rachel described the date as "informative."  That's a nice way of saying, "I am scared of both of you."     Rachel sent Robert E. Lee home, but did not give the rose to Kenny Boom.  She wanted to spend a little more time with him.  Stupidly, Kenny Boom did not get in the helicopter with Rachel and confronted Robert E. one more time.  

GET IN 

(In case it was not clear, I did all the artwork on that helicopter picture.)

In the evening portion of the date, guess who got the rose?

This guy

Mid-Episode Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony was at the "Losby Gods Manor."  I expected a couple surprise contestants to show up...

I miss Matthew

Josiah Satz came in extra confident a la Jack Stone.  Remember what happened to Jack Stone last night?  It's going to happen to Satz.

Joining Nip Tuck, Kenny Boom, Will Smith with roses was:

90210 Dean

Eric No Ties

Peter Badger

Russian Alex

Adummy

Happy Feet Matt

Goodbye Josiah Satz (as predicted) and Anthony (surprise). 

The group left Oslo and headed to Denmark.  Mrs. Wags and I were there fairly recently.  Pretty awesome place.   

1-on-1 Date: Eric No Ties

After much complaining and theorizing that Rachel is not interested in black guys, Eric finally got his solo date.  The date was in Copenhagen.  

After a short boat ride, they did some group hot tubbing.  Mrs. Wags and I did not do that.  We were too busy here.

The date continued at Tivoli, a kind of strange amusement park.  We went there and saw a Bellagio-style water show of the Nutcracker.  Very Euro.

Eric No Ties seems like a pretty cool dude, but I have a hard time believing she's going to go for a personal trainer.  On the other hand, there is Bachelorette precedent for picking a personal trainer.  

We know our Bachelorette history

Eric No Ties got a well-deserved rose.

Group Date: 90210 Dean, Kenny Boom, Nip Tuck, Russian Alex, Peter Badger, Happy Feet Matt, and Adummy

The date started with a viking ship rowboat trip.  When they arrived at their destination, they met with "Tom and Morton," viking fighting instructors.  The guys put on viking outfits, but they looked more like these guys:

They call me Tim

Adummy and Kenny Boom fought in the championship round.  Thankfully for Kenny's wrestling reputation, he was able to beat the guy that carries around a doll.

In the evening portion of the date, Nip Tuck continued dominating the competition, wooing Rachel and wearing a leather jacket.  Unbeatable.  

Back at the house, Will said he has rarely dated black girls because of where he grew up and where he went to college.  

Kenny Boom expressed concern for being away from his daughter while not being a front runner.  Kenny wanted Rachel to keep it 100.  Rachel, willing to keep it 100, told Kenny Boom he should probably go home.  

Peter Badger got the group date rose.  

1-on-1 Date: Will Smith

Will and Rachel went to Sweden.  As they arrived, a guitarist serenaded them, they played viking croquet, and they got baked goods.  Everything was going great until Will wasn't all that interested in touching/hugging/kissing Rachel.  This is All-For-Wells all over again.  Know your Bachelor history!

In the evening portion, they had dinner at a classic Bachelor extra-small-table-in-a-giant-room.  Will needed to turn up the romance, but dinner in the Carlsberg beer brewery did not light his fire.  Rachel continued to keep it 100 and sent Will home.  

Rose Ceremony #2

Thankfully, Mr. Harrison made the trip to Europe.  What would we do without the six words he offered this week?  He's marginalized, and I don't like it.

Joining Eric No Ties and Peter Badger with roses...

Nip Tuck Bryan
Happy Feet Matt (best hairline still on the show!)
90210 Dean
Russian Alex
Adummy

WHOA.  I actually had already written in Russian Alex.  A truly surprising ending.

Okay, it's been four hours this week.  Let's take a break and watch some 90210.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: From Bluffton to Oslo

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a two night special with Robert E. Lee v. Kenny Boom as the main event. Seasoned viewers such as yourself will know that the night’s episode will end in a cliffhanger at that moment. Nevertheless, we had some good moments in tonight’s episode that deserve some recap and comment.

Its getting confusing as we leave episodes in between rose ceremonies and dates, but I believe we picked up in the middle of a group date where Nip Tuck was using his time wisely to woo the Bachelorette. Nip Tuck is a little too polished for me. At this point last season, we were all begging for Rachel to become the next Bachelorette. Does anyone want Nip Tuck to end up with Rachel or become the next Bachelor? No. He still secures the rose.

Kenny Boom v. Robert E. Lee

While it’s troubling racial tension is being exploited by Fleiss & Co., we are stuck with the shows positives and negatives and need to enjoy the  lighter moments. Labeled “aggressive” and “angry,” Kenny Boom calls Robert E. Lee a “dime store psychologist”. Who uses “dime store” anything in 2017? Are the producers 89 year olds searching for jobs to get healthcare now that Medicare is vanishing?

One-on-One with Jack

We begin date night in beautiful Bluffton, South Carolina. What do I want to know about every South Carolina city? How far is it from the world’s best dog show in Aiken, South Carolina? About 2.5 hours.

Jack Stone should have a leg up on the other contestants. He’s a fellow attorney, same age as Rachel and also from Dallas. However, Rachel admits there has been no real connection to date. But she has the solution! Oysters, a known aphrodisiac.

Oysters, dancing and kissing are added kindling for the Rachel/Jack fire, alas, there is no spark to light it. At dinner, you can tell this is not going to end well for Jack Stone. Then comes the kiss of death. Rachel asks Jack what he would do with Rachel if they were together in Dallas? His response? Lock the door and just lay in bed with you.

RUN RACHEL!

She picks up the rose and viewers know there is a 0% chance she is giving it to him. He keeps talking. “I don’t feel like that connection in a romantic way.”

SAD JACK. Here's a song to help you turn it around. 

No Cocktail Party Needed. Rose Ceremony Go.

Nip Tuck is safe with the group date rose. Joining him:

Eric

Peter Badger

Adummy

Will Smith (who is flying under radar)

Happy Feet Matt (hard to remember the penguin suit)

Russian Alex

Josiah Satz

Anthony

Kenny Boom

Robert E. Lee

Goodbye IggyNotDiggy (with a surprisingly emotional goodbye) and Tickle me Elmo.

The Fake Doctor is in the House

The show has gone international and, fresh off his group rose, Nip Tuck gets the first one-on-one in Oslo, Norway. They repel from a 187 foot ski jump and share ugly duckling high school stories before getting another predictable rose.

Handball is Life

We have a handball date with Adummy, 90210 Dean, Anthony, Happy Feet Matt, Peter Badger, Will Smith, Russian Alex, Eric, and Josiah Satz. First, Coach Tom explains that Handball is a mix between football, basketball and water polo (what?!?). Next, he drops our QOTN: “HANDBALL IS LIFE!”

Let’s move ahead to the highlights:

• Incredibly, Russian Alex and Will Smith have actual handball experience.
• Peter Badger gets a little handsy…followed by a hot tub soiree in the middle of a group date.
• Will Smith is a handball star willing to show his vulnerable side.
• Russian Alex is a poet
• Josiah Satz gave a cringeworthy performance. Rachel succinctly descried Josiah Satz: disingenuous. He also is completely unaware that Rachel is no longer buying his bullshit. Josiah is as lost as Fort Lauderdale’s Flight 19. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_19
• I hate to admit I like a Miami guy over a Fort Lauderdale guy but Will Smith deserved the rose and is a Darkhorse candidate to win this thing.

Josi-ah-Meter

Kenny Boom, Robert E. Lee and the Oslo Octagon

We get a helicopter two-on-one which invokes memories of the greatest two-on-one in history with the ice mountain farewell of Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey. We begin with Kenny laying the groundwork. Kenny knows he and Rachel have fun, but needs their relationship to progress. Rachel is buying Kenny Boom's sincerity. 

Robert E. Lee gets his time and brings up Kenny Boom’s “dark side” including his “violent” and “aggressive”  behavior. When confronted by Rachel, Kenny explains he's been "Keepin it 100" with her the whole season.

Let's reflect on that. In the same episode, Kenny referenced "dime stores" and "keepin it 100." I think I know who I want the next Bachelor to be...

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Auto-Corrected

It's been two weeks since Rachel's last search for love.  These have been a busy two weeks: the Warriors are NBA champs, and Bachelor in Paradise no longer exists.  More importantly, Mrs. Wags bought me a new bottle of Old Potrero Rye for Father's Day AND went to the new amazon.com supermarket to get me ice cream!  I'm ready to start the show.

Find this, buy this

We picked up at the rose ceremony and the Robert E. Lee vs Eric fight.  Eric, concerned that his "name is in Robert E. Lee's mouth," is likely jumpstarting Robert E. Lee's racism.

90210 Dean thinks Lee is "kind of a . . . . . biiitch?"  

Zoolander Eric, lightly defending Robert Lee, said that people have their "quorks." (No, auto-correct, I meant to write quorks.) 

Quorky

Nip Tuck Bryan saved the day with a makeout session.  He's a major favorite.  

Kenny Boom and Robert E. had a yelling match over interrupting conversations with Rachel.  Robert E. said the fight would not put a "tear in his beer."  Unfortunately, the fight caused some sobs due to Rachel's heartthrobs. (I stink at rhyming with words related to crying.)

Joining the Urban Cowboy, Eric, and Russian Alex with roses were:

Will
90210 Dean
Elmo Jonathan
Peter Badger
Adummy
Nip Tuck Bryan
Penguin Matt
Josiah Satz
JackStone
IggyNotDiggy
Kenny Boom
Robert E. Lee (Good work, Fleiss & Co. for forcing her to do that)

Goodbye Firefighter Bryce, Zoolander, and Teach Me How to Diggy

The date portion of the show was in Hilton Head Island.  Confession: I had no idea Hilton Head was an island.  Maybe I should have taken it easier on Zoolander.

1-on-1: 90210 Dean

Dean's nickname inspired Mrs. Wags and me to watch the original Beverly Hills 90210 (I never watched the first few seasons; Mrs. Wags is a super fan).  It's really good.  Dylan is the best.  And he looks even better now.

Solid power alleys

The date started with a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  90210 is scared of heights and was kind of freaking out about the ride.  Good thing he didn't see this news from a few days ago.  

The blimp buzzed the other guys back at the hotel.  The guys acted like a Red Dawn Russian attack was imminent.  

In the evening portion of the date, 90210 revealed that his mom died from breast cancer when he was 16 and then his family fell apart.  We as the audience now want to give 90210 a hug.  Rachel gave him the rose followed by a Russell Dickerson concert.  As usual, I had to consult Bro Wags to figure out who he is.  Here was his text response:

"I just listened to his "hit" called "Yours."  I mean, kind of sounds perfect for a show centered around love like the bachelorette. But it does sound like many other country love songs. Afraid I don't know this dude."

Fleiss & Co. are really scraping the bottom of the barrel if Bro Wags has not heard of a country singer.  

Group Date: Russian Alex, Urban Cowboy, Peter Badger, Nip Tuck Bryan, Elmo, Dummy, Kenny Boom, Penguin Matt, Robert E. Lee, IggyNoMoreDiggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah Satz

The big group date started on a boat. All I want is for one contestant to sing an "I'm On a Boat" lyric:


I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and sh*t

The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet

But this ain't Sea World, this is real as it gets

I'm on a boat, motherfu!ker, don't you ever forget


Instead of singing, the boat ride included a push-up competition and rap session. The date continued with an appearance from Mr. Harrison leading a spelling bee! YESSSSS.

Some of the biggest goof-ups:
Eric spelled "facade" p-h-y-s-d-e
Peter Badger spelled "coitus" q-u-i-q-u-e
Josiah Satz won gracefully.

In the evening portion, Rachel revealed to Peter Badger that she's also licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. She's passed at least two bar exams, easily making her the smartest Bachelor or Bachelorette of all time (Jake Pavelka and Juan Pablo are in a two-way race for least intelligent).

Iggy the Rat spent his time with Rachel to rip on Josiah Satz (probably only a lawyer in one state...weak!). The Rat then ratted on himself and told Satz.

Josiah Satz delivered my QOTN: "With all due respect, Iggy's a bitch." That's a strong statement after giving all the respect that one is due.

Peter Badger doesn't like Robert E. Lee because he speaks in a way that's "disingenuine." Leave me alone auto-correct, I'm trying to write a Bachelorette blog post!

Kenny Boom confronted Robert E. Lee, but...to be continued for Dugan...

The Bachelorette: Once, Twice, Three Fights for a Lady

DeMario

DeMario is back and apologizing his ass off. The guys in the house are worried and acknowledge that The Mario is a good talker. He seemingly does everything right, apologize, admit fault, and falls on his sword.

Rachel pulls a Sweet Brown and tells her she "Aint Got Time For That." 

Her actual words were worse detailing The Mario's actions at the basketball court being confronted with an ex-girlfriend: “That was a boy. I’m looking for a man.”

We advance to the rose ceremony which had few highlights until Fight No. 1.

• Elmo brought some silly, giant hands.
• Russan Alex talks with Rachel while poorly executing a rubix cube.
• Wrestler Kenny is playing the kid card.

Then we get the Sex Pistol v. Whaaaboooom! Fight

Whaboom tells Rachel that Sex Pistol stood over his bed eating a banana as he slept. Pretty odd accusation but Sex Pistol does seem a little unhinged. But Sex Pistol provides the ultimate Bachelor defense: 

Who gets a rose?

Nip Tuck

Firefighter Bryce

Eric

Anthony

Will Smith (Welcome to Miami)

Elmo

JackStone

Happy Feet Matt 

Russian Alex

Adummy

Wrestler Kenny who provided a great response to the rose offer: “How Kenny say no” BOOM.

Zoolander (Male Model)

Robert E. Lee

IggyNotDiggy

Bad Kid Fred

TeachMeHowtToDiggy

Goodbye Bizarro Juan Pablo, Whaaabooom and Sex Pistol

Fight No. 1: Sex Pistol v. Whaaabooom

Sex Pistol opens the fight: “You’re a wannabe comedian”

Quixotically, Whaaboom responds: “It’s not about winning. It’s about the world man.” Well, that's settled. One of them said “Get back to your garbage clown life” but it could really fit either guy. The saddest part for me was that Sex Pistol had a better WHABOOM! than Mr. Whaboom in a mocking scene. 

The Ellen Group Date with Nip Tuck, Elmo, Peter Badger, Russian Alex, Will Smith and Bad Kid Fred

The reverse sexism is in full effect this episode and the men have to strip off their clothes and dance for Ellen's female audience. Russian Alex enjoyed himself a little too much. After they got naked and played never have I ever, I wondered if the Hildbold Brothers are now show runners for the Bacelor/ette,

The most revealing part of the date was Bad Kid Fred admitting that he was sick of the references to his Fred/Rachel camp counselor days from decades past. Bad Kid Fred is determined to kiss his crush and has a plan. He's going to ask her. 

Bad Kid Fred: "Is this the time I can kiss you”

Rachel: “NOW I FEEL AWKWARD”

The kiss happens.

Fred's Feelings

Rachel's Feelings

Bad Kid Fred gets the boot and Russian Alex gets the rose.

Urban Cowboy with Anthony 

Rachel and Anthony go shopping (on horses for some reason) in Beverly Hills and work to put Ivanka’s Miami sweatpants shopping to shame. They get western outfits, cupcakes out of a vending machine, and the horse make a mess out of a store.

Rachel: “This is the lifestyle. I could get use to this.”

WHAT? YOU COULD GET USED TO RIDING HORSES ON RODEO DRIVE? 

Anthony talks family at dinner and secures the rose.

Fight No. 2: Mud Wrestling Group Date with Zoolander, 90210 Dean, Adummy, Wrestler Kenny, Firefighter Bryce, Robert E. Lee, Jack Stone and Eric

First off, Rachel brings back some girls from last season: Raven, Ivanka, Warrior Jasmine, Dolphin. The girls pull up to a bar where the guys are told to take off their clothes and mud wrestle. Jack Stone says what everyone is thinking: "This is pretty much (Wrestler) Kenny’s thing.”

Winners Bold and Underlined

Round 1

Zoolander v. Firefghter Bryce

90210 Dean v. Eric

Kenny v. Jack Stone

Robert E. Lee v. Adummy

Round 2 

Kenny v. Robert E. Lee.

Firefighter Bryce v. Kenny

Championship

Bryce v. Kenny

In an upset, Bryce knocked off the wrestler. However, some expectations were met.  Zoolander’s hair remained perfect. 

Fight No. 3 is at the Rose Ceremony with Eric taking on IggyNotDiggy and Robert E. Lee. Luckily for you, Wags will have the breakdown next week.