The Bachelorette Episode 3: Emily's Race Towards Love

These seasons of the Bachelor/ette have become much more difficult to blog since Lebron and Wade have the Heat playing in late May/June. I apologize for the fans waiting to hear our recap. This week had two One-on-Ones and a Group Date. 

Bobblehead's Climb for Love...and Dinner

Bobblehead began the night with a climb up the side of a Charlotte Building. Dugan confesses he does not know anything about Charlotte and will continue to deride it as a Podunk sleepy southern town where all the residents sip sweet tea and dress up for dinner at Applebees. So they climbed the tallest building in Charlotte: 

As a Hurricane descended on Charlotte during the climb, Emily began whimpering. Mrs. Dugan said it was only because she feared her makeup would run. This climb was the most annoying Emily has been on the season. At the top of the Waffle House, Bobblehead wanted a kiss but settled for a high five.

After the high five, the date is going pretty well until Emily finds out Bobblehead is only 25. 

Uh oh. Red Flag. Bobblehead tumbles from a favorite all the way to less than favorite. They danced to some country guy who had incredible lyrics: "You make my speakers go Boom Boom..." and Bobblehead drops some head scratching quotes: 

• "greatest experience of my life"
• "this has to be the top moment of my life"

What the hell is happening? Are Fleiss & Co. slipping Spanish Fly into the guys drinks on these dates. 

Group Interrogation

The next date brought the guys to Guantanamo to face intense questioning from Emily's friends. Ok, it was a park in Charlotte. Plywood Tony, Trauma Charlie, Ollie Handro, MC Stevie, Uncle Rico, Grain Merchant, Sean, Wolf, Michael Ponytail, Father Doug, SLC Jef, and the Egg Man get to face tough questions then take their aggression out on local kids.

In a huge surprise, Plywood Tony and Father Doug talk about also having kids. Get over it. We know you have kids. Does that mean anyone with a kid should automatically step to the front of the date Emily line? If so, watch out Mrs. Dugan. These guys need something else. That well is dry. 

In other highlights:

• SLC Jef points out he has a thing for single moms. He should have brought that up with Token.
• Egg Man's act is wearing thin
• MC Stevie busts a move

• Sean stands out, talks about his faith a little too much, and will most likely cheat on Emily with her friend Wendy
• Uncle Rico does pushups in a very Uncle Ricoesque move. Fitness is important to Rico as he explains that Emily better keep fit. (This did not go over well with Emily or her friends). I immediately thought of the following:

After Party

Is it odd that I wondered if there could be an after party for Guantanamo interrogations? Yes? Ok, I'm not well. Moving on to Emily's after party where she asked Father Doug to explain ANYTHING else about him besides his fatherness. Oops. It was 6 or 7 sentences and it involved epilepsy, abandonment by his mother, his father's premature death and splitting up from his only family left (sister) via foster homes. GO BACK TO FATHERNESS! Go back and never come back. 

Sean's parents still kiss! We are all proud of you and your family, Sean. Plywood Tony misses his son and Emily obliges.

Indy Arie Goes to Dollywood

Isn't ABC a Disney company? Anyone else surprised that Fleiss & Co. got Disney to produce a full-on infomercial for Dollywood? Emily must be pulling some strong strings behind the scenes. But by the looks of it, Dollywood is hurting for business as there was no one at the park besides Indy Arie and Emily. Arie, ala SLC Jef and Token, has a thing for single moms and secures the rose. Emily continues talking about children - and having lots more - more than anyone else on show history.

Rose Ceremony

• Kalon doesn't like that he missed out on a date this week. Emily's body language is not good. Kalon doesn't help when he offers this gem: "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." Ouch babe. That silver tongue will probable secure a producer's rose for Kalon. 
• Egg Man gets rid of the egg. 
• The Grain Merchant is a Gypsy King "with all the freedom I've ever wanted." She kicks him off and this is all I can think of:

• Uncle Rico doesn't like Indy Arie moving in on his old lady in another very Uncle Ricoesque move. He calls race car driver Indy Arie a "dainty man." As Dugan Guest Lindsey points out, "this comes from a man who sculpts his beard."
• Bobblehead, Sean and Indy Arie are safe followed by SLC Jef, Trauma Charlie, Father Doug, Michael Ponytail, Egg Man, Ollie Handro, Uncle Rico, Wolf, Kalon Hilfiger (producer's choice), and Nasty Nate.

Nasty Nate and Michael Ponytail are going to vie for going the longest with no camera time. I am rooting for you both.

Goodbye MC Stevie and Grain Merchant. Your dancing and 3rd cousin dating stories will be missed.

Until next week.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Emily's Race Towards Love

Notice anything different?  No, Emily is still the same and Harrison is still amazing.  Our faithful viewers might notice that I renamed the blog.  What do you think?

The episode started off with a local news station's report on how this season is going to draw attention to Charlotte.  I know nothing about Charlotte so this should be grrrrreat.

Solo Date - Uncle Rico Ryan

As Uncle Rico prepared for his date, all of the men were around the pool.  What do chest hair and minorities have in common?  Neither of them are on the Bachelorette.

Uncle Rico struck out on his date theme when Emily drove him to her house and said that he had to make cookies for soccer practice.  Some guys get bungee jumping in Interlaken, and some have to sit in the car as the Bachelorette drops off juice boxes.  

At night, Uncle Rico got a date on the town in Charlotte at "Osso," one of Charlotte's most popular restaurants...but only because Emily went there.  

At the end of the date, Uncle Rico said that Emily "looks best in the kitchen."  Whoa Nellie.  Emily found that charming.  Maybe I just don't understand Southern charm, honey boo boo child.  

Though maybe "too perfect," Uncle Rico took the date rose.

Group Date - Ollie Handro, Nate, Allesandro, Plywood Tony, Michael, SLC Jef, Trauma Charlie, Kyle, MC Stevie, Kalon Hilfiger, Mr. Aaron, Chris, Wolf

The massive group date was at a theater with the Muppets.  The guys had the task of performing with the muppets for charity.  Plywood Tony proceeded to do a shocking (in quality and pitch) impression of Miss Piggy.  

Trauma Charlie feared his impending stand-up performance.  Who can blame him?  According to Uncle Rico, Trauma Charlie "fell off a balcony and smashed his face."  Trauma Charlie then told Emily that he has a speech disability that he is working on, thus he would rather sing the Rainbow Connection.  MC Stevie was wearing a newsboy hat, so he must also have some sort of impediment, but he made no excuses.  

Overall, the show was predictably disappointing.  The best part for the audience was that a portion of the ticket price is a tax write off.  

Illogical side note: Emily wouldn't introduce Uncle Rico to her daughter Rickie, but she was in the audience at the Muppet show watching all these guys profess their love to her mom.  

Later on in the night at the fireplace cocktail hour, the drama started with MC Stevie slow dancing with Emily.  Kalon Hilfiger cut in, drawing MC Stevie's ire.  Karma proved to be shrew (synonym of bitch) when Mr. Aaron cut off his date time.  MC Stevie called out Kalon Hilfiger for his complaining, thus starting our first rivalry of guys that have no chance to win.

SLC Jef with one f got the rose.

Solo Date - Leprechaun Joe

This date put Uncle Rico's date to shame.  Emily flew Joe to West Virginia where Emily used to "summer" at the Greenbrier.  Here's a picture of it (no joke):

Back at the house, Kalon Hilfiger criticized Father Doug for "putting his father duties on hold."  Fr. Doug told Kalon to watch his mouth and apologize because Doug only came on the show "once his son told him to."  I'm calling Leprechaun Joe shenanigans on a 12-year-old asking his father to leave for three months.  Ask Kevin McCallister how that worked out:

Back on the date, Leprechaun Joe made the early promise to pack up his bags and move wherever she wants him to move.  I wonder what he is running from?  Maybe his "Field Energy Advisor" job?

Unfortunately, Joe is only going to be running home to LA to continue offering advice to all of the fields with the most energy.

Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party

It's 10:37 pm.  I'm fading quickly.  Mrs. Wags has already headed to bed.  Self pep talk: stay strong.  You can finish this!

My favorite part of the cocktail party was when one of the guys said that Kalon "uses his vocabulary to show his dominance."  I'm absolutely saying that line tomorrow at work.

Additional roses went to Kalon Hlifiger, Indy Arie, Michael Ponytail, Nate, Sean, Bobblehead Chris, Father Doug, Travis, Plywood Tony, Wolf, Alessandro, Trauma Charlie, Ollie Handro (she actually pronounced it pretty well tonight), and MC Stevie (no guy that goes by Stevie is ever going to win this).

Goodbye Mr. Aaron and Kyle.

Until next week with some country music superstars...

The Bachelorette: Third Engagement's the Charm

Ok, it's week one and we'll need a better name for this season but your authors at WWT are very excited for Emily as the Bachelorette. We called it on opening night of Brad's season, but he messed that one up leaving us with the Dental Student and the Winemaker. Emily and the Blog are going to bring it this season...so let's get started.

Emily's sit down with Chris


Emily sits down with Chris for the customary introduction to the season to discuss life story, nerves, goals, etc. Luckily for those of us not looking to be depressed every Monday night, Emily is done talking about her horrific first engagement, plane crash, and subsequent revelation that she was pregnant with her deceased fiance's baby. Emily explains that she is ready to find someone. Brad's season helped her realize she could love again. Nowadays, she puts Ricky to bed about 7:30pm and retires to her room to read 50 Shades of Grey - like every other woman in America. She's looking for a soulmate and a father to her daughter. Aren't most single moms? Oh...true...most don't look like Emily.

Let's meet some of the guys


Fleiss & Co also use this trick every year. We get vignettes with a handful of the guys in their respective hometowns. Why do I enjoy it? Every year they choose to highlight someone that will be cut on opening night which is kind of cruel.  Who will it be this time?

• Kalon, the "modern southern gentlemen" from Houston.
• Uncle Rico, a football player from Augusta, Ga. (Thank you MG for name)
• Tony, the plywood purchaser from Beaverton, Or. (also a father - single fathers are all over the place. You never hear about single fathers, I am glad ABC is taking the time to introduce the demographic to America)
• Token, real estate consultant from LA. What Token does not know is that the Carolinas do not extend the full faith and credit to Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967), which does not bode well for his future with Emily.
• Token mentions that Emily being a single mom is "one of the most attractive things about her." In isolation, I chuckled but he repeated it to her during his entrance and I think he is just into moms.
• Singer/songwriter David who is quite the lyricist. He wrote a song about the Bachelorette. It was catchy: "Emily...Emileeeee....EMILEEEEEEEEE"
• Trauma Charlie from Nashville mentions his head injury multiple times but informed is that "nothing is wrong with my heart." If I'm Emily, I am much more concerned about the severe brain trauma.
• SLC Jef is a skateboarding CEO who builds wells for charity. And he shits roses.
• Indy Arie, the race car driver ensures there will be a palindrome every week and who can't get excited for that? He also is near the top in Dugan's nickname off for this season.

Stop! It's Limo Time

Harrison rocks the skinny tie a la Wags and we are about to begin. Emily explains to America how she wants this to end: "A MINIVAN FULL OF BABIES" And let's meet the lucky guys...

• Sean the insurance agent from Dallas - Usually it is not a good sign when you don't have a nickname because you are either not memorable or they purposely left your tape on the cutting room floor...
• Lyricist Dave from NYC
• Father Doug is a Charity Director/Realtor from Seattle but he really pushes the single father angle early and often.
• Fitness Jackson is in good shape. And a douche.
• Joe is a Field Energy Advisor in LA. A what? This is what I picture Joe doing in a field.

• That's a dowsing/divining rod in the picture if you can't tell.
• Indy Arie from Scottsdale
• Kyle from Long Beach who wore a turquoise tie (apparently that's enough)
• Bobblehead Chris from Chicago
• Mr. Aaron, the Bio Teacher who is looking for "Chemistry." FYI, that joke would have killed with his high school students.
• A Grain Merchant from St. Paul via Brasil who does not have a Bio on ABC.
• SPOILER ALERT
• Did you see who did have Bios on there? Ames, Bentley, Blake, Frank, Matt, Ryan M., Ryan P., Dollar Bill...who isn't coming back this season?
• SLC Jef
• Token, who once again brings up his thing for single moms
• Jersey Steve who likes to dance and hates helicopters (never good for being on this show)
• Trauma Charlie
• Plywood pusher Tony brings up a lame Prince Charming, Cinderella scene
• Only to be one upped by Old Lady Randy...Grandy
• Nate is an accountant from LA (note: Mrs. Dugan calls a favorite)
• 40 year old virgin from Fresno (this is funny when you hear more about him later)
• "Wolf" who works in E-Discovery...I mean is a data destruction specialist
• Egg Man Travis promises to take care of an ostrich egg to show how he will protect Emily and Ricky. But will he guard and protect their hearts? 
• Michael is a rehab counselor from Austin
• Poutine is a French Canadian Marine Biologist living in Seattle. Honest. I swear. Ok, his name wasn't Poutine.
• Alejandro is an import/exporter from Medellin. Oh no, he's a farmer from Medellin. This is hilarious. Why don't you call him a pharmacist from Medellin. Or a speedboat driver. A pilot. I could go on all day. And night.
• Uncle Rico was a professional athlete and now lives in Augusta, Ga. A tradition like no other...WWT.

• Kalon arrived via helicopter. When I think helicopter, two things come to mind and both are amazing 80's television shows: Airwolf and Magnum PI.

 Kalon isn't cool enough to be named TC. And he isn't cool enough to be nicknamed Airwolf. He's not even cool enough to be nicknamed Ernest Borgnine. We'll work on it.

First Impressions and Roses

I fully understand there are about 2 people still reading the blog so I will get on with it and wrap this up quickly. Charlie Trauma jokes about having a titanium face - still no word on his brain. The 40 Yr Old Virgin has 6 kids. Oops. The guys toast to the "hottest mom." Emily thinks Bobblehead is super hot and SLC Jef is too cool for school, Father Doug is continuing to work that angle with a poem from his son. I keep thinking about a 12 yr old having Emily as his step mom. Things will get awkward at Father Doug's home in less than 12 months if Emily picks him. Sock laundry will also pick up. Grandy, Egg Man and the Wolf are sweating out the lack of one-on-one time. 

In a surprise, Father Doug receives the first impression rose followed by Bobblehead, Uncle Rico, Helicopter Boy, Indy Arie, Trauma Charlie, SLC Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Mr. Aaron, Escobar, Wolf, Brazilian Grain Merchant, Michael, Jersey, Plywood Tony, and the Egg Man.

Dismissed in night one were Token, 40 Yr Old Virgin, Grandy, Poutine, the Lyricist, and Fitness Jackson. 

Until next week. Let the nicknames marinate and please feel free to suggest new and/or revised ones for your ego-less authors at WWT.