The Bachelor Episode 4: Faux Hawk Farmer

Great news for me!  Ice cream is back in the house (cookies and cream to be exact) and the whiskey is on the rocks (one rock to be exact).  Before I begin, I'd like to pass along well wishes to our East Coast fans suffering through Stormageddon 2015.  I hope you're all hunkered down and ready for some farm aid from Chris.  Look on the bright side of things: you all have the seasons!  I have one weather prediction for tonight: a Farmageddon (see what I did there?).

And now for the crappiest recap of the most romantic show on television...

This week's episode started with Harrison updating the ladies and the viewing audience that Chris "still believes his wife is in this room."  Phew.  I was starting to get worried that this process was all for nothing.

Group Date #1: Megan, Kaitlyn Rickles, Crazy Ashley, Maculate Virgin Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, Samantha, Ferngully Mackenzie, and Widowmaker Kelsie

This date card said "Let's do what feels natural."  I feel like I can't make the joke I want to right here.

The date started off with the Maculate Virgin (in a skimpy cutoff shirt by the way) saying that guys look so sexy when they drive a car.  I totally get that.  Mrs. Wags loves it when I top out at 55 in the Prius.

Try to catch me driving' 30

Budget cut alert: the group date is at a...wait for it....a lake!  This was great news for Ferngully though.  Her favorite place is "a lake."

The Maculate Virgin dropped her top and jumped off a pier into the lake.  How very sweet, innocent, and adorable.  Rickles would not be outdone and jumped into the lake with no bottoms.  These ladies really have a grasp on what makes good wife-material.

Sidenote: I just paused the show to write that last blurb and caught this in still frame.

Caption contest!

Back at the house, Chris's three sisters showed up to choose which one of the ladies would get to go on the one-on-one date.  One of his sisters lives in Ireland.  79% of the women did not know where Ireland is.

It's in Eastern Europe.  Duh.

Back on the date, the Widowmaker was upset that the lake was not good enough compared to the lakes she's used to.  In the wise words of T-Boz, Left Eye, and Chili, don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

The date continued with camping...in bikinis.  I only camp in beach houses, but bikini-camping seems contrary to the idea of camping.

Back at the house, the ladies were just steaming artichokes and hanging out in bikinis.  Reality TV, am I right?

On the group date, other ladies accused Widowmaker of being a fraud and not that into Chris.  Poetically, the Maculate Virgin called her a "fake."  Said the 26 year old, skinny dipping, cutoff shirt wearing, party girl.

The ladies were drinking lots of whiskey on the date.  Never did I think I would have so much in common with the women of the Bachelor.

After very little deliberation, Rickles got the date rose.  Her response: "This is awesome.  And I'm drunk."



After Rickles got the rose, the Maculate Virgin joined Chris in his tent to let him know she's never even had a boyfriend.

Sisters' Pick Solo Date: Jade

Here's a little blog secret I'm going to share.  I do no research on this show.  I don't read blogs.  I don't spend any time learning about people on the show.  I pretty much only talk to Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, and Mrs. Wags about it.  That being said, I have become aware that Jade has a prior career that might involve some nudity.  Soooooooo, NICE WORK CHRIS'S SISTERS.  You all picked the adult model to go out with your farmer brother.

Some unnecessarily wacky stylists came over to dress Jade as a princess for her Cinderella.  Though all the ladies seemed envious and excited, I nearly passed out from boredom.  You know that feeling when your eyes are open, but your brain feels like it's going to turn off?  Feel my pain, and I'll empathize with yours.

Before Jade arrived at the ball, Fleiss and Co. filmed Chris practicing the box step by himself.  I would have been interested in this scene only if Neil Lane was the instructor.

Unrelated thought: I wish Chris only had a moustache.  It would present an intriguing test to see whether all the women would be so head-over-heels in love.

Will you accept this rose?

Chris gave Jade the date rose.  But there was one more surprise.   It was an orchestra and some cross-promotion from a new Cinderella movie.  (Wait a second.  Is that Robb Stark from Game of Thrones?!  I might need to see Cinderella).


Group Date #2: Former Cheerleader Nikki, Crossfit Jillian, Nurse Whitney, Carly Rae, Favorite Britt, and Hugs Becca

The date started with all the gals wearing wedding dresses.  They then took a limo to a plane.  What's happening here?

Answer: they're going to San Francisco!  That's where I am!

While in San Francisco, they all walked across the Golden Gate Bridge, went to wine country, ate at a fancy restaurant, and had drinks at a tiki bar.  Oh wait.  No they didn't.  They competed in a muddy obstacle course while wearing wedding dresses.  Nice work by Fleiss and Co.

During the course, Carly Rae provided the QOTN, "I gave up after the big balls."  How could ABC know that this was such an appropriate time to be making ball jokes?

I don't have anything to say about The Bachelor either

Guess who won the obstacle course?  Yes, you guessed it.  The woman nicknamed Crossfit.

Crossfit's reward was an evening date with Chris at the Fairmont Hotel.  This is amazing.  Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, Mrs. Wags, and I have plans to be AT THAT HOTEL this summer.  Scorpion Bowl for four?  Yes please.

The date with Crossfit fell apart.  She talked and talked and talked.  And then told dumb filthy jokes.  And then got sent home.  But all is not lost.  Crossfit is going to do burpees all the way back to Washington, DC.

Rose Ceremony

The Maculate Virgin decided to make it abundantly clear to Chris that she's a virgin by telling him she's a virgin.  When she told him, Chris said, "I never saw that coming."  Ouch!  Chris agrees that she is very Maculate.

All of the other ladies were equally shocked that the Maculate Virgin is a virgin (because she's not).  Carly Rae (who, shockingly, is not a virgin) said that Maculate's "mouth is not a virgin."  Cue Beavis and Butthead laugh track.

Before the commercial break, they snuck in that Hugs Becca is also a virgin.  Great news!  Her nickname just got exponentially better.

Joining Jade and Rickles with roses were:

Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Megan
Samantha
Ferngully Mackenzie
Widowmaker Kelsie
Hugs Becca
Maculate Virgin Ashley
Favorite Britt

Goodbye Crazy Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, and Former Cheerleader Nikki.  We lost a lot of good nicknames tonight.

Until next week, when Dugan inevitably picks up our spirits.

The Bachelor Episode 3: Faux Hawk Farmer

We begin week 3 with an early morning intruder in the Bachelor mansion. Our friendly farmer starts his day with some coffee delivered by Jimmy Kimmel. I think Jimmy Kimmel seems harmless and likable enough. What late night host would you least like to see bright and early? I know my answer.

Tom Snyder from the Late Late Show, among others.

Rickles' Costco Date

The date card explains that Rickles is about to join an exclusive club with hors-d'oeuvres, sweeping views, tall ceilings, etc. You get the idea. They go to Costco and have to buy obscure items for a dinner date with Jimmy Kimmel. Want an obscure fact somewhat relevant to the show? Costco has two stores in Iowa. 2. Iowa.

My highlight from the date was seeing the Bachelor and I share the same grill.

Jimmy Kimmel brings up the very real problem of the winner and Chris eventually watching the season and being aware of what goes on in the fantasy suites. Rickles understands the premise of the show but does question whether she can receive a similar Hall Pass. Rickles, with the help of her comedian brother Kimmel, secures the rose and will be staying on the show.

Hoedown Throwdown

Hey, that's an original idea. Oh wait, Miley Cyrus has a song about it? From 2010 Miley? And the lyrics include "Pop it. Lock it. Polka Dot it." I AM ALL IN.




Favorita Britt, Crossfit, Becca, Hot For Teacher, Ferngully, Widowmaker, Blackish, Crazy Ashley, Unrboken Juelia, Samantha, Former Cheerleader Nikki and Carly Rae.

The girls are involved in a musical chairs type relay race involving Corn Shucking, finding eggs in a chicken pen, cracking said egg without cracking the yolk, milking goats, drinking said goat milk, shoveling manure, and picking up a greased pig. This show has a history of poor stunts but this has got to be up there on the degrading scale.

It ends up being a 2 woman, 1 man race between Carly Rae, the Widowmaker and Crossfit. Would I say that to Crossfit's face? HELL NO.

Carly Rae enjoys the blue ribbon and the season's second American Gothic reference. I set the over/under on remaining American Gothic references at 1.5. What are you taking?

Episode 3 

Episode 1

The Faux Hawk is applying a lot of chapstick and kissing almost all of the girls on this group date. He's going to get himself in trouble. Becca slows his roll and gives him a hug preferring not to follow Carly Rae, Blackish and Crossfit.

Here's the rest of the highlights in rapid succession.

• Ferngully is concerned and drops the QOTN: “why are you kissing everyone else?”
• Becca must have a strong hug game because she secures the rose.
• Crazy Ashley gave an awesome face in response
• Carly Rae was a sad puppy and came strong with this pathetic QOTN nominee “Roseless feels sooooo bad.”

Nurse Whitney and the Staged Wedding Crashing

If you believe they actually crashed a wedding, please stop reading. This blog isn't for you. There is a good chance you don't understand sarcasm or, really, life in general.

I dislike the "fake reality" TV more than pretty much any aspect of this show so I have little to say other than Nurse Whitney receives the and her prospects for a lengthy run seem good.

Pool Party and Suicide Talk

The rose night cocktail party is cancelled in lieu of a fun, relaxed pool party. Everyone is enjoying themselvces so Unbroken Juelia decides it's time for some suicide talk. I would question her decision making...but she is a single mother who, after her husband's suicide, decided to go on a reality dating show.  I am guessing Juelia's trail of poor decisions leaves a helluva wake.

Speaking of bad decisions, watch this:



The rest of the pool highlights:

• Fav Britt is a little unsettled by the other girls but plays it cool
• Jade wants to see his place and secures a rose
• Crossfit and the Maculate Virgin (Jersey Ashley's new nickname) enjoy an awkward hot tub confrontation
• The Maculate Virgin is making a fatal Bachelor mistake. She is spending too much time talking about the other women.

Rose ceremony

Rickles, Nurse Whitney and Hugs Becca are safe. Joining them with roses:

Jade
Samantha
Unbroken Juelia
Ferngully
Widowmaker
Fav Britt
Megan
Carly Rae
Crazy Ashley
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Crossfit
Maculate Virgin

Tandra
Hot For Teacher (difficult for me as she was a favorite of Dugan's to go far. They never seemed to click and she didn't seem to mind getting the boot.)
Blackish

Until next week and the return of Tim.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Faux Hawk Farmer

It feels so good to be back.  It's been a night of surprises leading up to the Bachelor.  Ohio State are unexpected champions.  I enjoyed a couple (few) glasses of my favorite red blend from the Sonoma coast.  There's no ice cream in the house, and I'm too comfortable on the couch to get whiskey.  I don't know where tonight is headed, but I hope one step closer to true love for our Faux Hawk Farmer Chris.

Now that Urban Meyer is off of my TV, let's see what's happening with Less-than-urban Chris.  Last week, the episode ended with one of the women, Kimberley aka She Ate Me II, getting booted, and then breaking the rules by coming back into the house.  Predictably, she "feels like she was supposed to be here."  Chris needed to get some protocol advice from Harrison.  After consulting with Harrison, Chris decided to keep She Ate Me II.  Chris proved once again that he is one thing, and one thing only:

Chess

Before the first date, Harrison interviewed Chris and the ladies.  So far, it's pretty clear that this season will contain more Harrison and a whole lot of Chris using his outdoor shower.

Group Date #1: Jade, Tandra, Jersey Ashley, Ferngully Mackenzie, She Ate Me II, and Hurricane Tara

The first date was a pool party.  More half-naked Chris.  More chicken fights.  And, apparently, more views of back tattoos on the ladies.  

While the girls were at the pool, Megan and Jillian snuck into Chris's apartment, saw that his motorcycle was parked in his living room, tried on his helmet, and then checked the safety of the helmet by running their heads into a brick wall.  I think I should have drank the entire bottle of wine to make sense of that sequence.  

Back to the date.  Chris went from a pool party to a tractor race.  In case you forgot, Chris is a farmer from Iowa.  

Back at the house, Juelia revealed to the other women that she has a daughter and used to be married, but her husband killed himself.  One of the other women praised her bravery for being on the show.  

The search for true love takes courage

Back on the date, Chris ended the group date early and took Ferngully on an evening one-on-one date.  All of the other women were heart broken.  Fleiss and Co. are doing everything they can to drive a wedge between the women.  

Ferngully noticed that Chris, the "farmer," once had his ears pierced. 

Iowa

The earring observation was permissible, but then Ferngully said that Chris has a big nose, and then asked if he believes in aliens.  Though maybe not the right question for a first date, I have often thought this would be an appropriate question for jury selection.  Ohhh, you believe in aliens?  You're free to leave the court room.

The date turned around when Ferngully revealed that she had a kid.  Per Bachelor rules, Ferngully got a rose after admitting that she has a one-year-old child.

Back at the house, Ferngully revealed her immaturity by kissing and telling, and telling, and telling, and telling.

Solo Date: Megan

As you now know, the group date was a tractor race.  Megan, on the other hand, got a limo ride to a private jet, to a helicopter ride.  Megan was so happy that she said, "the butterflies in my stomach are colorful and fluttering."  Megan is the best!  I think she's just a little ditzy. Maybe she shouldn't have crash tested the motorcycle helmet by slamming her head into a brick wall.  She doesn't have the brain cells to spare.

The helicopter took them to the Grand Canyon.  During a picnic on the canyon floor, Megan admitted that she almost wasn't on the show because her dad died a few short days beforehand.  Thus, she is only on the show for the right reasons.  

Of course, if you're on the Bachelor for the right reasons, you get a rose.  Megan is one of three women on the show in the makeup business.  At this point, she might be the favorite of the three.

Group Date #2: Widowmaker Kelsey, Trina, Crash Test DummyAlissa, Hot for Teacher Tracy, Crossfit Jillian, Becca, Amber, Shrek Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, Rickles, and Favorite Britt

The date started with a horror theme.  More specifically, an end-of-the-world zombie nightmare.  You might have been able to predict this, but Chris came and saved the day.  

The date was a team-based, paintball game.  They were supposed to take out zombies.  Shrek Ashley didn't understand the concept of paintball, teams, guns, life, or anything else that could lead to success on a Bachelor date.  

Chris thought all the women looked sexy while shooting zombies with a paintball gun.  That's really what I love about this show.  It's a realistic way for a guy to find a wife in a real life situation.

Back at the house, Sorority Jordan (the girl that brought whiskey shots on the first episode), drank too much and twerked against a wall.  She gives whiskey an irresponsible name (and maybe makes Hurricane Tara look sober).

On the date, Rickles did a Canadian accent.  Chris thought that was sexy.  This guy seems to think most things are sexy.  

Sexy

Sexy

Not sexy

Favorite Britt got some alone time with Chris.  She has obviously studied how to win this game show.  She told Chris that she feels like she is the only girl there and that their relationship is going well.  She's a cool, confident cucumber.  Though Favorite Britt said all the right things, Rickles got the date rose.  

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Nurse Whitney gave Chris a bottle of Iowa whiskey.  Though I find her voice to be the most annoying sound in the world, her amazing gift started to change how I feel about her.

Jersey Ashley, who described herself as a cougar on the first episode, revealed that she is a virgin.  Then she proceeded to nearly go to second base with Chris on screen.  As Ferngully eloquently stated, her actions leave us "mind boggled."  Two hours of watching this show often leave me feeling rather mindboggled.

Sorority Jordan must have continued drinking all afternoon.  She wanted to make out with Chris, but instead just stumbled over her words and made no sense.  For the second time on the episode, she made Hurricane Tara seem like a model 12 stepper.

In addition to Ferngully, Megan, and Rickles, roses went to:

Favorite Britt

The Virgin Jersey Ashley

Trina

Widowmaker

Samantha

Unbroken Juelia

Amber

Hot for Teacher Tracy

Crossfit Jillian

Jade

Some girl whose name I couldn't understand even though I rewound the show 5 times (Tandra?)

Becca

Carly Rae

Nurse Whitney

Crazy Shrek Ashley

It was a bad night for drunks, as Hurricane Tara and Sorority Jordan were joined by Second Chance Kimberley and Crash Test Dummy Alissa in getting sent home.  

Until next week, when Jimmy Kimmel cross promotes his show and Dugan's blog post.

Prince Farming Premiere: He's Here For The Right Reasons

Ok friends and fans, we are back. It's late here on the East Coast but nothing provides a caffeine boost like the Bachelor premiere. We are back with Chris Soules, the Iowa Farmer who fell short on Bachelorette Andi's season.

We have a red carpet opening to begin the show and host Chris Harrison is trying to hammer home that "Prince Farming" will return the honor and glory to the besmirched Bachelor franchise due to Juan Pablo's season. Sadly, DirecTv was less excited about Farmer Chris and decided to stick with Juan Pablo's head shot instead.

Let's get everyone up to speed. Chris is a 33 yr old, 4th generation farmer whose family operates a 6,000 acre farm consisting mostly of Alfalfa, Soy Beans and Pigs. Chris is a lonely guy in a town of about 400 people.

Do you want to see how small Arlington, Iowa is? Click here.

But the population this summer swole up, Bro. The ALBINO RHINO hit up Arlington, opened a Hooters and tanning booth and trained Farmer Chris into Bachelor shape.

NEWSFLASH - The Bachelor broke Twitter. I have to assume people are excited about the blog. Was it the NBA trade? Notre Dame's 15-1 start after beating UNC? North Korea?

Let's move on and meet the ladies vying to be the Farmer's Hoe. We will introduce them to the WWT readers as they entered the show. All nicknames are to be considered in production at this time. This is a fluid process and names may change. Wags and I welcome suggestions in the comments. Some of the notes used below are available at the bios website on the ABC homepage for the show.

LIMO #1

Britt is a 27 yr old waitress from Hollywood. She gives a strong entrance hug, passes a note, and is an early favorite to go far per Mrs. Dugan.
Nurse Whitney is a 29 yr old fertility nurse from Chicago. She appears to be a super fan and the crazy force is strong with this one.
Kelsey, aka the Widowmaker, is a 28 yr old Guidance Counselor from Austin, Texas. Considering her name is Kelsey and she's a counselor, I also thought about calling her Frazier.

***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?

• Good Will Hunting, What About Bob?, and Mean Girls.

Anyone who has What About Bob? in their top 3 movies can do no wrong in my book. I'm a Widowmaker fan until the end.

Megan is a 24 yr old makeup artist and my guess to make it the furthest without the audience knowing ANYTHING about her.
Jersey Ashley is a 26 yr old Freelance Journalist from Wayne, NJ

***BIO ALERT*** Describe the worst first date you've ever been on.

• I decided to try out being a cougar, but he was sooo immature and had me pay for everything. He was too intimidated to hold a conversation.

Honest question. Can 26 yr old women be cougars?

LIMO #2

Trina is a 33 yr old special ed teacher from San Clemente, CA
Reegan, aka Biohazard, brings the tell tale heart to the Farmer. She's a 28 yr old donated tissue specialist from Manhattan Beach, CA
Hurricane Tara is a proud South Floridian who struts into the Bachelor mansion in daisy dukes and a casual shirt and drinks whiskey on the rocks. Hurricane Tara also claims to be a Sport Fishing Enthusiast as her job. I don't even know where to begin. Honest. I don't.
Amber, is a 29 yr old bartender from Chicago

***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?

• The Lion King, Reservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale. 
• That's odd, I thought “Blackish” was on ABC Wednesday nights. 

Nikki, aka Former Cheerleader Nikki, is a 26 yr old, get this, Former NFL Cheerleader from New York City

LIMO #3 – Warning - No other limo is going to top this group of nicknames

We have Crazy Amanda, the 24 yr old Ballet Teacher in the Jasminesque outfit from Illinois. She brings some heat in Dugan's weekly Quote Of The Night (QOTN) game. Due to Crazy Amanda's outfit and actions, she has been dubbed Belly Dancing Hasselbeck, or BDH, for short.

BDH QOTN attempts:

1. Hey, BDH, why are you still single? BDH: "I'm fucking crazy”
2. "I don’t like bills or cleaning"
3. "His smile is panty dropping”

Please stay on this season long, Belly Dancing Hasselback.

Jillian, aka Crossfit, is a ripped 25 yr old news producer from the nation's capital.
Mackenzie, aka Ferngully, is a 21 yr old dental assistant from Washington State.
Ashley S, aka Shrek (more on that later), is a 24 yr old hair stylist from Brooklyn. Shrek goes on a tirade about people and onions and layers. She's Shrek.



Kaitlyn, aka Rickles,  is a 29 yr old dance instructor from Vancouver.

Her upfront demeanor brought out the QOTN and the exchange of the night between Rickles and the Farmer.

Rickles: "You can plow the fuck out of my field any day.” ***winner, winner, chicken dinner***
Chris: “Didn’t see that coming.”

***BIO ALERT*** If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?

• Pay back my parents for all my dance lessons, buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.

LIMO #4

Samantha is a 27 yr old fashion designer from Los Angeles, CA
Michelle is a 25 yd old wedding cake decorator from Provo, Utah.

***BIO ALERT*** Describe your idea of the ultimate date.

• A surprise trip to Waikoloa (Hawaii), a luau, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watch the sunset on the beach.

You are on the right show. "Helicopter ride over volcano" is standard bachelor fare.

Juelia is a 30 yr old esthetician (fancy way of saying makeup artist?) from Portland, OR

Becca is a 25 yr old chiropractic assistant from San Diego
Tandra is a 30 yr old exec assistant from Sandy, UT, who rides in on a motorcycle.

LIMO #5

Alissa, aka Crash Test Dummy is a 24yr old flight attendant from Hamilton, NJ. She wants everyone buckled up and safe, including Chris.

Jordan is a 24 yr old student from Colorado who brings Whiskey. They must be fans of Wags blogging weeks.
Nicole, aka Ned Beatty or Ginger,  is a 31 yr old real estate agent who wore a pig nose and dropped this sweet pun: “I wanted to ham it up for you.” I love bad puns so I am in Ned Beatty's camp.
Brittany is a 26 yr old WWE Diva from Orlando because Florida.
Carly, aka Carly Rae is a 26 yr old  cruise ship singer from the Arlington people have heard of.

***BIO ALERT*** What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done?

• I had to be a pirate watcher from midnight to 4am in the Red Sea on my last ship. (Yes, you read that correct...actual pirates, not Captain Hook.)

We need to get Carly Rae and Rickles together on YARRRLAND (see above and pay better attention next time.)

LIMO #6
Tracy, aka Hot For Teacher is an attractive 29 yr old teacher from Wellington, FL. She is a Dugan pick to go final 3.
Bo, aka She Ate Me I, is a 25 yr old plus size model from California.
Kimberly, aka She Ate Me II is a 28 yr old yoga instructor from Strong Island with a completely unfair nickname but She Ate Me I always needs a She Ate Me II.
Kara is a 25 yr old soccer coach from Brownsville, KY
Jade may have saved the best for last and is a 28 yr old cosmetics developer from LA.

Party and Rose Ceremony

He can’t remember their names? Neither can we – that’s why we use nicknames.

• Someone has a 6 and 7 yr old
• Carly Rae is bringing the random Iowa criminal code trivia. Interesting choice, Carly Rae.
• Rickles can also breakdance
• Hot For Teacher is concerned about becoming a cat lady. She brought this up multiple times.
• Shrek goes on her onion rants, among others. 
• Ferngully likes to water color. Of course she does.
• Hurricane Tara is gaining strength in the Pacific.
• Mrs. Dugan has a good eye and Britt walks with the First Impression Rose.

Rose Ceremony

29 girls left and 21 more roses to be handed out. Britt is safe with the First Impression Rose. Who is joining her?

Rickles
Jade
Samantha
Jersey Ashley
Tandra
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Widowmaker
Megan
Crash Test Dummy
Blackish
Juelia
Becca L
Trina
Ferngully
Hot For Teacher
Hurricane Tara
Jordan
Crossfit
Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Shrek



Ginger
Belly Dancing Hasselbeck.
Kara.
She Ate Me II
She Ate Me I
WWE Diva
Amber
Biohazard

Until next week when Wags takes the reigns and tries to return order to WWT.