The Bachelor Episode 8: The Mom Everyone's Talking About

Now that I have had a week to really digest the episode, I am finally ready to summarize.  Since the episode aired, I have had ice cream multiple times and whiskey once.  I thought you would want to know that old habits do not, in fact, have to die hard.

This week was hometown dates.  It's a tradition unlike any other.  This episode (almost) had it all. Crazy parents, overprotective older brothers, creepy younger brothers, drinking, and mansions.  One glaring omission: Ben did not ask any of the dads for their daughter's hands-in-marriage.  Foreshadowing?

Laguna Beach with Mom Amanda

It's official.  The helicopter romance is over.  No more private concerts.  Goodbye slow dances.  This hometown was all about what it would be like to be a stepdad.

I had the same look earlier this morning.

Ben met up with Mom Amanda on the beach.  She said she had not seen her kids yet.  How is this possible?  Once again, I'm starting to believe that Fleiss and Co. may not be telling us the whole truth.  

Mom Amanda said she's never been away from her kids for more than four days.  Did she forget the last five weeks on ABC's hit dramady, The Bachelor?

Mom Amanda's daughters arrived at the beach.  The older one, approximately five years old, was wearing a significant amount of makeup.  If this is normal for five year olds, I am scared.  But like all things on the Bachelor, I should assume this is not normal. 

During the car ride from the beach, Mom Amanda's younger daughter turned on the charm.  She cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.  And Amanda's chances of getting a rose went down, and down, and down, and down.  

Back at the house, Amanda's dad said Ben looked like a "deer caught in headlights."  Though that's his usual look, this did not bode well for Amanda.

Knowing that Amanda was not going to win made this hometown especially painful.  Good luck in the rose ceremony.

Portland LB

After a failed attempt at stepdadding, Ben headed off to Portland.  I really wanted them to go to my favorite (fictional?) bookstore.

They stopped by some of Portland's famous food trucks.  While I'd like to make fun of this hipster garbage, I had an amazing 3 am grilled cheese in Portland last year.

The date continued on to a whiskey bar.  LB describes all the whiskey as "so romantic."  Do women find whiskey romantic?  If so, I am the Monday night Don Juan of romance.  

Back at the house, Ben met LB's family.  Most importantly, he met her sister.  LB's sister was better looking than her.  I can't place this in historical Bachelor context, but I don't think it is a good sign.  

Even though LB didn't say I love you, I have no doubt she's getting a rose.

Hudson, Ohio - Software Caila

Software is from many places, and her parents currently live in Hudson, OH.  I'm not sure where this town is.  Actually, I'm not really sure where Ohio is, come to think of it.  

Hudson did look very American; very picturesque.  John Kasich may want to shoot a few promos with Hudson in the background.  

Caila's dad is a toy manufacturing CEO, and he looks like he's a child.  This seems like a reverse-Big.  It also seems like Caila is a female Tommy Boy.  They wore hard hats on the factory floor.  All of the employees seemed to know Caila.  Ben should choose her and become a heir to the toy dynasty.    

Back at Caila's house, I spent most of the time wondering what the hell she's talking about.  She's doing some kind of Jedi mind trick on Ben's feeble mind.  

My favorite part of the date was when Ben confessed that he had never met a Filipino person.  Yowza.  No one should ever go on this show.  There is no way to come out of it looking good.  

I spent most of the date trying to figure out Caila's dad.  He looks so young.  But maybe he's just a short guy?  Mrs. Wags thinks he's a former figure skater.  He's got a Scott Hamilton thing going on.  

Dallas - JoJo Trump

As real Trump gets more popular, JoJo Trump is beginning to lose steam.  

The day started with JoJo excited to receive some surprise roses.  Presumably from Ben, right?  Right?  WRONG.  Fleiss and Co. had other ideas.  The roses were from her ex-bf Chad.    Apparently, Chad is not over JoJo and wants her back.  JoJo decided to call Chad and tell him its done forever.  Like deciding to go on the show, this was a bad decision.  Of course, Ben arrived mid-conversation, and JoJo had to tell all.  (This is all so fake.  I'm done writing about it.)  

Trump's home was stereotypically Dallas.  Huge mansion.  Her mom had all forms of plastic surgery. Her brothers seemed to be meathead former college football players.  Her dad looked like a skinny Sgt. Slaughter.  Usually, at least one Bachelor contestant's families will ruin their chances.  This year, JoJo is the one.  

This picture pretty much summed it up.  The two brothers ready to fight.  Dad telling mom to slow down.  Mom chugging sparkling wine?!  That's impressive.  With all those cupboards, there had to be at least one champagne flute.  Also, that must really hurt to chug drink sparkling wine.  On the other hand, she probably has so much botox above the neck that she can't feel anything.  

Ben should take a look at this photo and run for the hills.

Rose Ceremony 

This season has too many women that get along too well.  I wish Olivia had made it further.  She would have mixed it up.  

Instead, roses (predictably) went to LB, Software Caila, and JoJo Trump.  

Goodbye Mom Amanda.  Hope your five weeks away from home was worth it.  

The Bachelor Episode 7: On Time and Suboptimal

We have left the Bahamas and turn our sights to the Orthopedic Capital of the World!!

That’s Warsaw, Indiana. Ben no longer lives in Indiana, having chosen to settle in Denver along with every other millennial from Indiana. Ben returns home with six girls and four dates. LB, JoJo Trump, and Thing Emily get the individual dates while Mom Olivia, Hugs Becca, and Software Caila are left to a group date.

Ben pulls up to the dock too fast in a pontoon boat and Software Caila unwisely tries to stop the boat herself. Boats weigh thousands of pounds and don’t have breaks. Do not attempt to stop a boat approaching you. Especially if you are a 105 lb software sales rep.

It’s early but Thing Emily drops my QOTN: “Warsaw is absolutely gorgeous” WHAT? I have driven through Warsaw, Indiana. “Absolutely gorgeous” did not come close to entering my head during those trips.

Absolutely Warsaw

 LB and the Warsaw Tour

We get to visit Ben’s high school, church, movie theatre and youth club.  Ben is 26. This date is still.....ok, but I don’t think you can get away with it much longer. The highlight of the episode did come during their visit to a local boys n girls clubesque gym. Ronnie “The Half Court King” makes a, you guessed it, half-court shot for Ben to get a kiss. What a nickname! What a shot! I want to hang out with The Half Court King.

Remind me to fire my agent,

In addition to Ronnie, Indiana Pacers players Paul George and George Hill showed up. Along with a thrilled Coach Vogel. When you get these type of stops pulled out for your date (see JoJo’s upcoming date at Wrigley)…don’t you know you are getting a hometown rose? LB has been a favorite since early in the season, but hanging out in Indiana dive bars is only going to further ingratiate her with your blog co-authors.

JoJo Trump Does Chicago

Sweet Home Wrigley

Did you know Ernie Banks was nicknamed “Mr. Cub”? Of course you did. Did you also know he was nicknamed “Mr. Sunshine?” You did? LIAR.

JoJo is following a well-worn Bachelor/ette path. Scared to open up for fear of getting hurt. Opening up in relationships can be difficult. Opening up when you know your partner is simultaneously dating other people? Yeah, that might make it even more difficult.

Ben explains how much this date means to him since he’s a life-long Cubs fan. They enjoy dinner in the outfield and I predict this over the top date has also secured the hometown date for JoJo Trump.

Young Ben Higgins

Is JoJo the favorite to be the next Bachelorette? Are they going to pick Hugs Becca?

Motorboating with Hugs Becca, Software Caila and Mom Amanda

Ok, no motors were involved. It was actually only awkward rowing and I confess I was reading about the Chinese Super League’s ambition affecting the MLS through much of this boring date. Caila did inform the viewer that she moved seventeen times before college. She's concerned about the lack of a hometown feel to her Hometown date. I like the confidence, Caila. Mrs. Dugan believes that Caila is this season’s Catherine.

Mom Amanda gets the rose and Hugs Becca sees the writing on the wall. She then asks a prescient question: “What more do I need to do?” Ummmmmm. Well…..nope. Not going to say it.

Mom Amanda and Ben then shoot a McDonald’s commercial during their date. Seriously. It’s annoying but it’s also everyone’s fault who owns a DVR.

The McDonald’s commercial ends and they have a fair where the mayor introduces Ben and Amanda. Ben and I have a healthy fear of fair rides.

Warsaw Fair Employee of the Month

Miss Thing Meets the Parents

Oh, you poor little Thing. She is a fish out of water here in Indiana. I could count the mistakes made on this date but it’s been a while since I took calculus.

•          “Talking to people can kind of be a hard thing to do”
•          She “never sees ducks in Vegas”
•          “I’m really average at everything, but ready to be an above average mom and wife.”
•          What is going on? Is she throwing this date? Have we followed JoJo’s Cubs date with a nod to the 1919 White Sox?
•          She prefers to “sit around and watch movies all day”
•          She “doesn’t like vegetables”
•          Thing’s goal in life is to be an NFL cheerleader
•          This date is a train wreck into a dumpster fire and Ben mercifully puts Thing Emily out of her misery.

Rose Ceremony

Mom Amanda is safe

LB

JoJo Trump

Software Caila

Hugs Becca’s virginity is safe! Until next week and hometowns.

The Bachelor Episode 6: Even Later and Maybe Just as Short

Happy Monday faithful readers.  It looks like late posts are just going to be a thing this season.  Look on the bright side: you get to read our musings on the day of the Bachelor.  Today is not just President's Day, but also Bachelor Day.  From this day forward, all Mondays are holidays honoring ABC's American heroes.

Mrs. Wags chose Juan Pablo as her favorite Bachelor of all time.

This week's episode began with a continuation of last week's rose ceremony.  There is no way he's getting rid of Olivia.  Though she is crazy (and not in the "crazy-like-a-fox" sort of way), I think he'll keep her around because she is the prime example of the girl he cannot get in real life.  The best example of this phenomenon is previous Bachelor Ben Flajnik choosing Courtney the model.  

The other women spilled the beans on Olivia.  Olivia smartly played the victim with Ben; she claimed that the other women just don't want to get to know her.  Well played.  

Understandably angry at the other women, Olivia challenges them to "Come at me....bro."  Olivia must be a dumb frat guy reincarnated.  Or maybe she just watches the Jersey Shore.  

Rose Ceremony #1

At the first rose ceremony of the episode, Mom Amanda, Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh already had roses.  Additional roses went to: 

Software Caila

LB

Trump JoJo

Hugs Becca

Hut Hut Leah

Thing

Goodbye Ft. Lady Jennifer.  It's never a good sign when your first words on the show are about your fear of going home.  

The show then traveled to the Bahamas.  Mrs. Wags and I are confused about the Bahamas.  Are there more than one Bahama?  Is it a collection of islands?  Did the Beach Boys actually take a trip there?  Many questions, not many answers.  

Solo Date #1: Software Caila

Before Caila got the date, the pressure started to get to Hut Hut Leah, having had no solo time with Higgins.  She feels that they just need to have some time together because they are perfect for one another.  They live "10 minutes apart."  Little does Hut Hut understand that this is actually a disadvantage.  Bachelors DON'T WANT A LOCAL GIRL.  (See Flajnik, Ben.)   Hut Hut believes the "universe brought them together."  If anything, two black holes colliding brought Hut Hut and Ben together.  (I would not have been able to make that joke if I had written this post on time.)  

Software Caila's date with Software Ben was deep sea fishing.  The Softwares filled the date with terrible conversation.  It is a good thing the show is not transcribed.  They could never make it in Dugan and my world.

On the evening portion of the date, Ben said he needs Caila to cry. Uh, what?  Caila said she cannot cry (emotionally empty), but she did tell Ben she is falling in love with him (emotionally advanced), but she's also worried that she might hurt him.  Somehow, this series of tacks seemed to work with Ben.  Caila describes herself as being "confusing," yet all she wants is "to be understood."  

Like I said, it's a good thing this was not transcribed.

Caila got a rose because she's "authentic."  I think "coy" was the word he was looking for.  

Group Date: LB, Hugs Becca, Mom Amanda, JoJo Trump, Lauren Harbaugh, and Hut Hut Leah

The group date started with a boat ride.  I guess that's what you do when your in one of the Bahamas (or the only Bahama?).  

Hugs Becca delivered my QOTN: "You know what's unpredictable?  Sharks."  

Alas, there were no sharks, but there was an uninhabited island with SWIMMING PIGS.  I now know where I want to go on vacation.  

Watch your step.  

Mrs. Wags noticed that Strauss's "The Blue Danube Waltz" was playing in the background.  She described this as "awesome."  I describe this as, "I married up." 

JoJo Trump, showing off her Kardashian side, noted that "there are pigs everywhere."

This was the least impressive quote of the night.  

There was never any explanation for why there were swimming pigs in the water or who takes care of them.  Who knew pigs could even swim?  This is more confusing than Caila and the total number of Bahamas.  

Ben and the ladies fed hot dogs to the pigs.  That's messed up.  

On the date, Hut Hut again felt angry about not having any time with Ben.  She decided the best way to get noticed was to throw one of the other contestants under the bus.  Presumably, Olivia would be the easy target.  But Hut Hut isn't interested in easy targets.  She wants the biggest pig in the sea, so she chose to go after LB, the favorite at this point. 

When confronted by LB hours later, Hut Hut said "she would never be the type of person to single someone out."  Does Hut Hut not remember that there are video cameras recording this show?!  You can't tell lies like this.  I'm excited for The Women Tell All now.  

Mom Amanda got the date rose.  

Later that night, Hut Hut went to Ben's hotel room to continue on with her LB lie.  Ben saw right through it (or maybe Fleiss and Co. tipped him off?) and sent Hut Hut home.  

Two-on-One Date: Olivia and Thing

Mrs. Wags described this as a date pitting 400 CCs vs. 500 CCs.  Two girls that got implants for their high school graduation.  Mrs. Wags is really on fire tonight.  

The date started with a poem on the date card: "Two women.  One rose.  One stays.  One goes."  This is also what Ben's tattoo says.  

Olivia is going off the deep end.  "We've been writing our beautiful love story the whole time."  I can't tell if she is doing a bad job trying out to be the next Bachelorette or is doing a bad job wooing Ben.  Either way, she's doing a bad job.

Olivia, the quote machine, then said, "Deep intellectual things are my jam."  This was a close second-place finisher for QOTN.

The date was a boat ride (of course) to another island.  I'm starting to think "Bahamas" is intentionally pluralized.  

There was a torrential storm brewing as the three of them sat on the beach.  Each lady took turns giving speeches to Ben.  Maybe Hillary would do well on the Bachelor.

In the rainstorm, Ben seemed rather concerned about his hair.  For a few weeks now, I have been noticing Ben's purposefully and carefully combed forward hair, like he has something to hide.  I think there's a good chance that Ben is a bald denier.  He has the beginning of some power alleys in the front.  

Olivia couldn't hold back her crazy, and Ben sent her home, cold and wet.  Thing got the rose, but she was clearly more excited about sending Olivia packing.  

Rose Ceremony #2

Hugs Becca again dropped a great line, "It's almost like the weather has predicted this whole week."  

JoJo Trump needed to talk to Ben about something, but Ben cancelled the cocktail party.  She's either divorced, has a boyfriend, or has a kid.  My money is on divorce.  

Joining Mom Amanda, Software Caila, and Thing with roses were:

Hugs Becca

Trump

LB

Goodbye Lauren Harbaugh.  You were very nice, but exactly the kind of girl Ben can get back home in Warsaw.  

Until next week (i.e. tonight) when Dugan chronicles all the women professing their love.  

The Bachelor Episode 5: Late and Short

As some of our faithful readers know, there have been some big changes in life for your blog authors which have derailed our usual, timely performance. Please stick with us and we will get back on track. Before I waste more of your time, let's get to the long, overdue recap:

You know why Mexico is a great country? Miguel Herrera. Enough said.

Mom Amanda with the first One-on-One

Newscaster Olivia breaks the story that Mom Amanda is, in fact, a mom. "She has children...I don't think that's what Ben wants." Olivia has found a receptive audience with shit talking Lauren Harbaugh. Harbaugh his a history of shit talking against fellow girls having already taken on GI Jubilee and now she setting her sights on the single mom.

A hot air balloon leads to a formal dinner where Mom Amanda breaks down her baby past. She was married when the oldest was six months old and baby daddy sounds like a louse. I bet baby daddy doesn't know what a "louse" is. This sob story from Mom Amanda guarantees a rose and it's time for the group date. 

Top Cocinero with GI Jubilee, Hugs Becca, JoJo Trump, Software Caila, Thing Emily, LB, Ft. Laudy Jen, Hut Hut Leah, and Newscaster Olivia

The girls need to cook recipes in Spanish and are broken up in teams of two. 

• Thing Emily is a blog favorite but her Spanish is pretty poor. 
• GI Jubilee is called "Jubes" by the girls and I laugh every time they say it. 
• Jubes is unsettled in the group atmosphere. 
• As far as the newscaster, I am reading my notes a week later and all I see is "Olivia = crazy." That about sums this cooking date up. 

Night time party with a quick recap

• Olivia with a  quick grab (surprising no one)
• Jubilee isn’t liking him walk away with other girls and is starting to break down.
• LB getting a lot of one on one time and the girls notice,
• Jubilee calling out the "LBs, JoJos, Beccas…."

And like that...she's gone.

You really need a spouse when blogging the bachelor. It helps answer a lot of initial questions and Mrs. Dugan picks up the details that I miss. Ben is bending. He appears in tars. “IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS? DO WE HAVE A MESNICK?”

Mrs. Dugan: “No, he’s sitting.”

Mrs. Dugan with the save. We can't be throwing around false Mesnicks on the finest Bachelor blog in the business. JoJo offers Ben consolation but Olivia gets the producer’s rose and the girls are beginning to get caught in the Fleiss & Co. web.

Lauren Harbaugh's Fashion Date

I do love that Lauren H. has been named after coach Harbaugh since she's from Ann Arbor, Michigan and her last name starts with H. That's enough for us. Really. Obviously. Coach Harbaugh is known for his preferred choice of Docker's Khakis. I wouldn't take fashion tips from anyone on this date. The day fashion show turns into an evening dinner where Harbaugh tries to bring the sob story. She moved across the country for a boyfriend who cheated on her with her friends = rose.

Rose CeremonyWe are at the rose ceremony and GI Jubilee is already gone. Mom Amanda, Newscaster Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh have roses and are safe. The best part of the ceremony came when Mom Amanda was discussing her kids and their schedule while she's on the show. Newscaster Olivia believed it was appropriate to say the following: “I feel like its an episode of Teen Mom that I watch”

It wasn't. Mom Amanda turned into grizzly mom: "I’m an adult. I have my shit together”

Olivia begins to bully The Thing and we are continued until next week...or tonight.