Ben the Bachelor Episode 3: Cialis, Women's Soccer, Racism and Selfishness

Yes. You read that correctly. Don't let the sleepy start or the late week blogging fool you. This episode was packed with the good stuff that Fleiss & Co. use to keep us coming back for more. I do apologize for the delay but I would rather give you quality at the expense of expeditiousness. Side not - I will send five US Dollars to the first fan to find "expeditiousness" in a separate Bachelor/ette recap.

This week has three dates, two one-on-ones and a group date. We have stand-out performances from the two one-on-ones - LB (flight attendant) and GI Jubilee - and the favorite turned mean girl, Newscaster Olivia. 

Cialis Date with LB

Ben brings Flight attendant LB up in the air for a bi-plane ride. LB relays that she is concerned about what might happen if the single engine fails. You die, LB. That’s what happens.

The stunt plane portion of the date ends and the Cialis portion begins with a hot tub in a clearing. A Dugan Quote of the Night (hereinafter, “QOTN”) comes from Ben: “Go in the tree and change.”

We are lucky enough to receive the classic Fleiss & Co. spanish guitar while Ben and LB get to business time. Afternoon hot tub time yields to a romantic dinner. Pretty solid date so far. Private plane. Check. Hot tub in a meadow. Check. Candlelit dinner. Check. Private concert with an unknown artist that the Bachelor/ette pretends to be a fan of. Check  mate and Ben gives LB the rose.

Soccer with the USWNT

World Cup Winners Kelley O’Hara and Alex Morgan host Mom Amanda, Thing One, The Russian, Ft. Laudy Jenn, Hut Hut Leah, Amber, Lauren Harbaugh, Newscaster Olivia, Superfecta, Millennial Rachel, Canadian Jami, and Thing 2 in the worst stadium in the United States. I know who I would pick!

USA! USA! USA!

The girls were not the best soccer players. They were about as effective as Liverpool in the Premier League this season. Except they scored goals.

Hut Hut Leah, Amber, Newscaster Olivia, Canadian Jam, Superfecta, and one of the Things move on to a private party after the big win. Canadian Jam is trying to curry favor with the Newscaster by tattling on the girls ripping on her toes.

Amber moved aggressively and secured the rose. But the Newscaster “sees signs” like him leaning on her knee.

Random Episode Highlights

• Mom Amanda and Lauren B gossiping about Newscaster spending 40k on clothes for the show.
• Thing calling out fake boobs, breadth of Newscaster
• Newscaster’s insecurity about calves, cankles (more on this later!)
• I am on #TeamJubilee and #TeamTwins

GI Jubilee v. The Rest of the House

GI Jubilee may be afraid of heights but she leaves in a helicopter with Ben much to the disgust of the women in the house. GI Jubilee has nothing to be embarrassed about having never had caviar. I’m sure it’s not real common fare in Warsaw, Indiana.

Warsaw Gourmet

Ben asks GIJ what her go to food is? HOT DOGS. An automatic favorite has emerged for Mrs. Dugan. She then drops a QOTN with “I’m not playing white boy” while playing shuffleboard.

GIJ and Ben seem to have an honest connection and discuss serious, emotional issues over dinner with GIJ securing a rose.

Veiled Racism Alert. Lauren Harbaugh is worried how GI Jubilee will fit in with the soccer moms that Ben wants his wife to be friends with. Why is that, Miss Harbaugh? 

Rose Ceremony

LB, Amber, GI Jubilee are safe!

Ben walks into the room on a somber note explaining that he has lost two people from his small, tightknit community. Newscaster Olivia immediately grabs him to talk. The viewer is lead to believe that Olivia is going to redeem her poor episode with some empathy/sympathy. Instead, she starts talking about how her life is so hard due to her her cankles, how strong she tries to be, and how it’s the scariest thing ever.

Superfecta Lace decides it’s time to go: “Like my tattoo says, you can’t love someone until you truly love yourself.” QOTN WINNER. In fact, if you begin a sentence with “Like my tattoo says…” YOU AUTOMATICALLY WIN.

When you travel too close to the sun, you burn up. Goodbye sweet, sweet Superfecta.

Who else is safe?

Harbaugh

Mom Amanda

Hugs Becca

Thing 1

Thing 2

Millennial (Rachel)

Software Caila

Trump

Ft. Laudy Jen

Hut Hut Leah

Newscaster Olivia

Buh Bye Canadian Jam and The Russian

Great exit quote from Canadian Jam: “Don’t ever expect anything from Humans”

Newscaster Olivia is still seeing unspoken communication from Ben. It’s these unspoken things that keep her strong during these difficult cankle times. 

She's not strong. She's crazy.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Ben and the Low IQs

I begin this post with an apology and an explanation.  I’m sorry this post is four days late.  You, our fans, deserve better.  To explain, my life is now lived in two hour increments, with 1.25 of those hours accounted for by needy babies.  Such is (new) life.  Most importantly (and maybe most sadly), I had neither whiskey nor ice cream when I watched.  The only one to blame for that is me.  Okay, enough about me.  Let’s move onto what I am calling the least intelligent season yet. 

The episode started off with a rather revealing look at Ben’s personality.  And by “personality,” I mean underpants.  And by “underpants,” I mean "tightie whities."  We’re used to the gratuitous make-me-feel-bad-about-myself abdominal shots, but we got to see some of Ben that should be reserved for the fantasy suites.

Group Date #1: Jackie, LB, Lauren Harbaugh, Hugs Becca, Amber, Portlandia Mandi, GI Jubilee, Ft. Laudy Jennifer, JoJo Trump, Hut Hut Leah, and Superfecta Lace

The first group date was a trip back to high school, creatively titled “Bachelor High.”  C’mon Fleiss and Co.  You can do better.  Harrison College Prep?  Neil Lane School for the Rich and Famous?  Fleiss and Co. School for the Performing Arts? 

Thankfully, Bachelor High is led by Principal Chris Harrison.  He bore a striking resemblance to my favorite high school principal of all time, Richard Belding.  (Apologies to Father Muller if he’s reading this.) 

The date consisted of a series of high school throwback challenges.  First, the ladies had to make a vinegar/baking soda volcano.  Wait a second. This is supposed to be high school.  I’m pretty sure that “experiment” is more second-grade level.  Did I mention this is the least intelligent season ever?

Mrs. Wags thought this high school segment felt like it should be an episode of Double Dare, causing her to long for one of her childhood heroes, Marc Summers.  I nominate Marc Summers to host the Bachelor once Chris Harrison finally signs up to be THE bachelor. 

Superfecta Lace informed the audience that she hated school.  But I’ll bet she loved shaming her peers, being superficial, and dating junior college guys. 

Next, the girls had to put a cutout of the State of Indiana on a map.  Viewers cringed (especially Mrs. Dugan) at the sight of Hugs Becca not only placing Indiana over the state of Pennsylvania, but also placing it sideways.  Double whammy of stupidity. 

Bachelor High ended with Portlandia and Amber competing in a hurdles foot race.  I would have paid top dollar for one of them to fall on their face. 

During the date, Ben said GI Jubilee is “so interesting to him.”  I was very nervous where he was headed next.  This struck me as getting close to complimenting certain athletes for how “articulate” they are.  Thankfully, Ben didn’t say anything that made me want to call the NAACP. 

During the evening portion of the day, JoJo Trump expressed that she was “fustrated” by her lack of time with Ben.  Did I mention this is the dumbest season yet?  Apparently, she had no reason to be fustrated because Ben gave her the date rose.

Solo Date: Software Caila

Caila got the first solo date, and Newcaster Olivia was beside herself.  I love it when contestants like Newscaster feel like they should get every single solo date.  It’s like they’ve never watched a season of this show.  And this show has been on for MANY seasons.

The date started off with Chris Harrison introducing his “friends,” Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.  I LOVE the idea of Chris Harrison hanging out with these guys socially.  I heard Ice Cube is a huge fan of Chris Harrison’s novels.

Ice Cube Book Club

While I have no strong opinion about Kevin Hart, I really enjoyed Ice Cube on this episode.  What’s the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a woman?  “Marry one.”  QOTN nominee. 

Going in the hot tub at the hot tub store reminded me of a great scene from Jackass.

The date was not very interesting because it was just an advertisement for Ride Along 2, and Software Caila is not very interesting.  The date ended with a private concert by Amos Lee and Caila getting a rose.

Group Date #2: Things 1 and 2, Ivan Drago Shushanna, Newscaster Olivia, Mom Amanda, and Lawyer Sam

This date took them to a “scientific” outfit called the Love Lab.  I don’t know how to grammatically put exclamation point on quotation marks, but I would put them near the quotation marks around scientific.  Wearing a lab coat does not make you a scientist.  I have a funny feeling that Love Lab hasn’t published any peer-reviewed journal articles.  Thing 1 and 2 indicated that they don’t know much about science.  Don’t worry ladies, neither do the MDs at the Love Lab. 

I love that Ivan Drago Shushanna knows she hasn’t eaten cabbage in two weeks.  Who’s keeping track of something like that?  She must really like cabbage.  Also, that must mean that she farts a lot.  She’d be my favorite contestant ever if she admitted that to Ben. 

Mom Amanda didn’t have pictures of her kids.  She’s like Juan Pablo, a little too eager to be away from her kids. 

Newscaster Olivia got the rose after scoring the highest on Love Labs compatibility tests. 

Rose Ceremony

Superfecta admitted that she’s been acting crazy for the first two days.  By “two days,” she actually meant 25 years. 

Joining JoJo Trump, Software Caila, and Newscaster Olivia with roses was:

Mom Amanda

GI Jubilee

Lauren Harbaugh

Hut Hut Leah

Hugs Becca

Superfecta

LB (but then LB called timeout and decided to go home…extra rose time!)

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

Thing 1

Canadian Jami

Ivan Drago Shush

Thing 2

Amber

Goodbye JD Sam, Portlandia Mandi, and the woman from San Francisco whose name I can’t remember.

Until next week, with more Dugan and more Chris Harrison.

The Bachelor: Hoosier Daddy Premiere

After the last two Bachelor seasons with Juan Pablo and the Faux Hawk Farmer, we have returned to a classic Bachelor leading man with Ben Higgins from Warsaw, Indiana. I think the ladies were genuinely interested in gentle Ben. As many of our readers will understand, Ben is a Higgins from the Hoosier state and starts with house money from the WWT writers.

I asked Mrs. Dugan where in Indiana it was located and she gave me the same response she has been giving since 2001: South. Very helpful. We both vaguely remembered it, however. Aha! Its on the way between picturesque South Bend and a true gem, Muncie, Indiana.  Over the years, I have probably driven through Warsaw, Indiana no less than 10 times. I remember nothing.

Do you want to know how small Warsaw, Indiana is? The COUNTY its in has 77,000 people! Ok, you have the set up. He's a nice guy from a small town. He was the quarterback for the high school and played on the basketball team and graduated from State U.

Pep Talk

Bachelor Ben follows his McDonalds commercial debut with some Mustang driving to meet up with former Bachelor Farmer Chris, Sean Lowe and Jason Mesnick. Farmer Chris recommends kicking the tires on the contestants while Sean and Jason recommend taking it slow. Ben congratulated Mesnick for keeping it honest to the end. Ummmmm, he switched girls after the final rose?

***Blogging Note: Triple OT in #1 v #2 has not helped me stay focused!***

One of my favorite aspects of the premiere was host Chris Harrison's decision to go retro Regis from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with the dark tie, shirt, suit combo. 

Looking good, Chris

Let's Meet the Women Alphabetically

*tattoo count in parenthesis

• Amanda, 25 (0), an Esthetician (fancy way of saying hairdresser?) from Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 
• Bio Note: Divorced with two kids
• Amber, 30 (0), a Bartender from Chicago, IL
• Bio Note: Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise veteran. Does anyone else in the world list The Lion King and Reservoir Dogs as all-time favorite movies?
• Becca, 26 (2), a Chiropractic Assistant from San Diego, CA
• Bio Note: Bachelor veteran. Formerly a virgin. Still?
• Breanne, 30 (0), a Nutritional Therapist (works at GNC?) from Seattle, WA
• Caila, 24 (1), a Software Sales Rep from Hudson, Oh.      
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: U2 (reminds me of my Dad). Holy shit I am getting too old to blog this shit.
• Emily, 22 (0) and Haley (0) are twins from Las Vegas, NV
• Bio Note: Listed occupation as twins. That’s not an occupation.
• Isabel "Izzy," 24 (0), a Graphic Designer from Branford, CT
• Bio Note: What is your all-time favorite book and why? Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.
• Jackie, 23 (0), a Gerontologist from San Francisco, CA
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Country and Rap. This is an acceptable favorite music now? WTF?
• Jami, 23 (3), a Bartender from St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
• Bio Note: How would you describe yourself as a lover? Inexperienced
• Jennifer, 25 (0), a Small Business Owner from Fort Lauderdale, FL
• Bio Note: Flager College alum, Go Saints!
• Jessica, 23 (1), an Accountant from Boca Raton, FL
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Luke Bryan – great country singer, Kygo – more relaxing music, Lil’ Wayne – best rapper alive. This shit again?
• Joelle "JoJo", 24 (0), a Real Estate Developer from Dallas, TX
• Bio Note: Special talent: I can make a 3-leaf clover with my tongue. Just throwing that out there.
• Jubilee, 24 (?), is a War Veteran from Fort Lauderdale, FL.
• Bio Note: I thank Jubilee for her service, but does War Veteran mean she is now unemployed? She’ll always be a veteran. What does she do now?
• Lace, 25 (2), is a Real Estate Agent from Denver, CO
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Rap, R&B and Country.When will this madness end?
• Laura, 24 (0), is an Account Executive from Louisville, KY
• Bio Note: Allergic to rice?
• Lauren "LB," 23 (1), is a Fashion Buyer from Stillwater, OK
• Bio Note: Wants to be LC.
• Lauren B., 25 (1), a Flight Attendant from Marina Del Rey, CA
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Hip hop/Dance/R&B/Country. Ugh!
• Lauren H., 25 (0), is a Kindergarten Teacher from Hell on Earth.
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Popular/hit list stuff. Also stuff from growing up. 90s stuff. I’M SO OLD.
• Where do you see yourself in five years? Ah, I’ll be 30!! FML. No, FML.
• Lauren R., 26 (0), is a Math Teacher from Houston, TX
• Bio Note: Nothing.
• Leah, 25 (2 in process of being removed), an Event Planner from Denver, CO
• Bio Note: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done Probably twerking on the wall in my dress during my Bachelor interview.
• Maegan, 30 (0), is a Cowgirl from Weatherford, TX
• Bio Note: Favorite Music. Red Dirt Country. WHAT?
• Mandi, 28 (0), a Dentist from Portland, OR
• Bio Note: What would an ex say are your worst attributes? Have a tendency to drink too much. Bring it on.
• Olivia, 23 (0), is a News Anchor from Austin, TX
• Bio Note: Wants to be the Bachelorette.
• Rachel, 23 (0), is unemployed from Little Rock, AR
• Bio Note. Got nothing but I appreciate the honesty on the occupation.
• Samantha, 26 (1), is an Attorney from New Smyrna Beach, FL
• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Graduating Law School in the top 20% of my class. Yeah, but what law school?
• Shushanna, 27 (0), is a Mathematician from Salt Lake City, Utah
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Russian. I like where this is going.
• All-Time Favorite Movies: Fast & Furious. Check that. I love where this is going.
• Tiara, 26 (0) is a Chicken Enthusiast from Redmond, WA
• Bio Note: That’s not a job. Putting “enthusiast” before something does not make it a career.

 It's Limo Time

Readers, don't worry. I know what you are thinking. You want to meet the contestants and get our first go at this season's nicknames. As always, the nicknames are fluid at this point and open to interpretation and change. Fleiss & Co. gave very few vignettes of the ladies in their hometown and gets right to limo action. 

Limo 1

• Lauren B, the flight attendance, gives Ben some wings and is "ready to take off on this journey.” You'll always win me over with puns, ABC writers.
• Caila pulls off the patented run and jump
• Jennifer, the small business owner from Dugan's home of Fort Laudy basically forgot her name
• Jami is Canadian, knows Kaitlyn, and makes a bad, crude joke. New Kaitlyn!
• Lawyer Sam passed the bar
• GI Jubilee offers a weak pick-up line.
• Divorcee Amanda is bringing the heat.
• Lace, aka Superfecta, steals the first kiss. 
• Lauren R. admits to social media stalking Ben
• Shushanna, aka the Russian or Ivan Drago?, only speaks in Russian.
• Leah, Hut Hut Higgy also has a little Erica Rose in her, plays some football with Ben.
• JoJo, aka Trump, is a unicorn real estate developer turned presidential candidate.
• Lauren Harbaugh is an Ann Arbor Kindergarten Teacher
• Laura wants to be called Red Velvet but Mrs. Dugan says "Broke ass Emma Stone" is more appropriate.
• Mandi, aka Portlandia, is a weird dentist with a red rose hat.
• Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the twins and I'm going to have trouble differentiating, 
• Maegan brings a miniature horse and likely did not bring another outfit as she had no chance.

Meanwhile, in the mansion, Canadian Jami is breaking down the crazy..."We got twins, a horse, a girl with a rose hat, a Russian…"

Lace responds: "I’m just here to judge people. I don’t think there’s one girl in here that’s competition. I’m way prettier than all of them.” Ok, We have the mean girl!

The women keep coming!

• Breanne declares Gluten "satan" and breaks bread. 
• Izzy wore pajamas and approached Ben, "I had to find out if you were the ‘onesie’ for me". Boom. 
• Rachel, the honest, unemployed one arrives on a hover board. Can we just call her Millennial since that is what I think of all of them? 
• Jessica, the Boca accountant arrives and does nothing memorable. Sounds like a Boca accountant to me. 
• Tiara, aka Chicken Little, arrives without her furry friends. 
• Lauren, aka LC or Boomer Sooner 
• Jackie shows up and Mrs. Dugan believes this may actually be her first date and she gave a wedding invitation for their future wedding.
• Olivia the News Anchor arrives and Ben turns as stupid as men turn in front of an attractive woman. He asks if her dimples "are natural?" No, Ben, she got fake dimples. 

The women are all accounted for...or are they! Calls his dad and enters the house. Mrs. Dugan wants to know if Ben did this at frat parties while in Bloomington. 

Ben: "Dad, there are so many beautiful women at this party tonight. I think tonight's the night."

Dad: "Good luck, son."

No. This never happened. Ever.

It's getting late and this blog post is too long already. Let's get to the remaining highlights:

• Portlandia interrupts his opening speech 
• News Anchor Olivia tells Ben she left her job to be on the show. 
• The first impression rose enters the party and shit gets real.

• Caila and Ben swap software sales war stories. 
• Things 1 and 2 explain that twins are a "fantasy that everyone has.” Ummm, no. 
• Trump first called herself a real estate developer. Now she calls herself a house flipper? What’s next? Tax deed sale expert? 
• New Limo arrives with former contestants Hugs Becca and Amber. 
• Lace not pleased about Becca being there, cementing her role as this season’s mean girl. Next, Lace gets drunk. She’s the mean and drunk one? Her first nickname was Perfecta. 
• Lace is interrupted with Ben by Portlandia and we get tears. A Trifecta! 
• What other Bachelor Blog uses pari-mutuel betting terms as nicknames? I’m guessing none.
• Lace tells us what she wants to do to Portlandia: “Punch her in the face. Seriously.” That escalated quickly. 
• Ben wants to walk Trifecta off the ledge and she’s mumbling. 
• Lace’s mumbles eventually require subtitles and she complains that Ben isn’t looking her in the eye. That's it, a SUPERFECTA. Mean. Drunk. Crying. Subtitles. A true champion.
• The first impression rose is out and goes to the News Anchor!

Winner!

Rose Ceremony Time

Lauren B. Mrs. Dugan points out that he likes her because she looks like every girl he went to high school with.

LC

Software Caila

Amber

Canadian Jam

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

GI Jubilee

Mom Amanda

Trump

New Erica Rose (Leah, or Hut Hut Higgie?)

Rachel

Lawyer Sam

Save the Date Jackie

Thing 1

Thing 2

The Russian

Lauren Harbaugh

Virgin Becca

Portlandia

Superfecta (Mean girl, Drunk girl, Crying girl, Subtitle girl)

Goodbye Broke Ass Emma Stone. Breanne found out he likes gluten, Chicken Little, Boca Accountant and Onesie.

Until next week when Tim returns and laments the fact that twins have made their first appearance this season. 

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 11: Finally Finale

We begin with Chris Harrison’s usual finale level exaggeration: “Unforgettable” “Shocking” “Controversial”. Well then, it’s go time. We have Hans v. Ugly Gosling going head-to-head for the final rose.

As we realize the finale is taking place back at the Bachelor home base of Los Angeles County, Mrs. Dugan and I start to wonder if the Bachelor/ette is having budget problems? We began the season at the mansion and traveled to San Antonio, New York, Dublin (for an extended stay), Utah and have now returned to Los Angeles. Further proof? I count only two helicopters on the season with Chris Quinn in New York and the Cupcake Dentist at the Cliffs of Mohr.

Kaitlyn’s family meets Hans.

Kaitlyn fills her family in on the two guys. Basically, she lets her family know three things: 1) Hans from Andi’s season is one of the final two, 2) She slept with Hans, and 3) Hans and the other guy, Ugly Gosling, hate each other.

Kaitlyn’s sister, Haley, questions whether Hans is “here for the right reasons.” Definitely did not get enough of that Bachelor/ette staple. Mom grabs Nick and lets him know she didn’t like him on Andi’s season. Mom points out that he was confident and borderline egotistical. Nick goes on to be confident and borderline cocky. But Nick cried and Mom swooned and the family gave their approval..

Ugly Gosling meets the Family

These shows and dates are fairly formulaic. Rarely does something new or interesting happen. That’s why special moments must be highlighted and enjoyed. And Ugly Gosling gave a fantastic anecdote that is 100% a lie. Let’s get this story straight.

Ugly Gosling lets us know his sisters originally told him about the show. He watches and likes Kaitlyn. And when she gets cut, he takes a picture of her on the tv. In an app, he draws a heart around her picture and sends to his “buddies” to let them know he’ll heal her broken heart.

This Picture according to ATFR

WHAT? This did not happen. No male would ever do this. What “buddies” did he send this to? I need way more information about this ridiculous anecdote.

Even though Mom threw the Hans sex in his face, Ugly Gosling still asked for the parents blessing which was received.

Last Dates

Hans and Kaitlyn meet at Marina del Rey and go yachting. Oops. Due to budget constraints, they take out a 40 foot catamaran. What happened to yachts!!! They head to their date time when Hans drops the QOTN: “I got you a gift and it’s in my bedroom.” Really? Is he 15? Let’s move on to Saddle Rock with Ugly Gosling.

Saddle Rock with Ugly Gosling. This sounds like a terrible DMB cover band. Kaitlyn is being awkward on the date and Ugly Gosling is getting annoyed. He did throw back the red wine. For dinner, Mrs. Dugan notes that UG is “wearing his nicest baseball tee.” Ugly Gosling gives Kaitlyn a Memory Jar. Ugly Goslng DID NOT MAKE THIS. If you believe he made the Memory Jar, please do not vote ever again.

Neil Lane

Budget cuts be damned. We need Neil! Ugly Gosling meets first and selects a ring. Hans laments the first missed opportunity with Neil. Andi cut him on the door step of Neil. However, tonight, Neil Lane is getting solid time and the WWT authors cannot be happier. 

Back at the Mansion for the Rose Ceremony

Mrs D. “Who’s in the Limo?”

Dugan: “Nick because he’s getting cut.”

Hans is first out. BOOM.

Hans is laying his heart on the line. And Kaitlyn has to stop him eventually. She does: “My heart is just with somebody else” It’s time for an impressive back peddle by Kaitlyn.

Hans will always have Neil Lane. And diamonds are forever. Mrs. Dugan points out Nick’s crying family in the crowd and I suddenly feel a microscopic tinge of guilt for laughing at people’s feelings.

Ugly Gosling calls Chris “Mr. Harrison” which is an appropriate level of respect.

UG proposes. Kaitlyn accepts. Congrats kids. I wish you all the Trista & Ryan luck in the world.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 10: 1st and 10 Let's Do It Again

Let me start by apologizing if this post doesn't make any sense, is filled with typos, and is not funny. I have just returned from a raucous Las Vegas bachelor party, and I am just starting to feel like the whiskey and red meat might be leaving my system.  I need to go on a quinoa cleanse.  (Not surprisingly, I guess this actually exists.)  Needless to say, tonight will be an ice cream-only event.  This about sums it up:



As usual, enough about me and more about the Bachelorette.

Welcome back to fantasy suite week, aka "Role Model Ben's Last Tryout for the Bachelor."  The show resumed with Ugly Gosling confronting Hans in an Enniskillen hotel.  As Dugan pointed out last week, it's pretty amazing that they are still in Ireland.  Less helicopters and less beaches this season for sure.  More San Antonio and more castles in return.

Role Models Ben

The fantasy date started with RMB and Kaitlyn getting on some horses.  Kaitlyn asked if horses can smell fear.  Is she too young to remember Jerry Maguire?

They had a picnic by a castle.  It looked like one of those castles that was made in the 1800s.  That's way less impressive than a 1500s era castle.

It turned out that the fake castle was the location of their fantasy night.  I hope they have down comforters because it's going to be drafty in there.  

Role Model said he "never thought he would spend a night in an Irish castle."  All he had to do was google it to realize that it's a fairly attainable goal.  Dare to dream, Benjamin.  Dare to dream.

Kaitlyn said that she wanted to make sure he's "110%" interested in her.  I now like her 50% less.  

The next morning, Kaitlyn admitted that she only slept for half an hour.  That means they must have talked a lot.  

Ugly Gosling

Ugly Gosling and Kaitlyn started their fantasy date by golfing.  UG said "golf is a lot like love.  You can do it until you're old and gray."  We don't exactly have Rhodes Scholars on this season, do we?

Like most of the rounds of golf I play, they ended their day with a game of truth-or-dare.  Right off the bat, UG selected dare, and Kaitlyn dared him to putt "nakey."  We don't exactly have Rhodes Scholars on this season, do we?

Everything was going great until Kaitlyn brought up Hans.  Kaitlyn claimed "the last thing she wanted to do was bring up Nick."  Mrs. Wags, master of common sense, pondered why bringing up Hans was the first thing she did?  

Kaitlyn continued to stir the pot by revealing that Hans spilled the beans about UG being an eskimo brother with a country singer.  UG was so upset that he didn't even make Kaitlyn breakfast, but rather went straight to confront Hans.

UG confronted Hans and right away said "you're the last person I want to see right now."  If Mrs. Wags had not gone to bed ten minutes ago, she would have pondered why UG did, in fact, make Hans the first person he saw.  

Rose Ceremony

After a Harrison consultation, Kaitlyn was ready to have her mid-episode rose ceremony.  Instead, she started crying and couldn't do what she had to do (send Role Models Ben home).  

After more Harrison (thank you Fleiss & Co.), roses went to:

Hans

Ugly Gosling

Do not worry Role Models Ben.  While may be an exit from this season, it is just the beginning of your special relationship with Chris Harrison, Neil Lane, and twenty five of ladies that are all going to pretend to want to marry you.  

Utah?

Kaitlyn left Ireland and arrived in Utah to meet both Hans's and UG's families.  No hometowns?  Now I'm completely thrown off by what this season stands for.  If they tell me there will not be Neil Lane, I might write a handwritten complaint letter to ABC.

Hans's Family

While Hans expressed his love for Kaitlyn out in front of the resort, his family was up in a hotel room getting ready to stage an intervention to prevent him from going further.

Upon entry in the room, we learned that Hans's family was the original Jon and Kate Plus Eight.  Once his parents found out that Hans was in the final two guys, they all reeled in terror.  His family is rather pessimistic, but I'm not sure why the track record of relationships on this show would give them any reason to be concerned.  

After some family interviews, the Hanses seemed cautiously optimistic.

Ugly Gosling's Family

Kaitlyn said she was not nervous to meet UG's two sisters because "sisters are her jam," as she has six step-sisters and one "real" sister.  OUCH.  Sorry evil step-sisters.  

Kaitlyn met much of UG's family, but his mom "couldn't make it."  Hmmmm.  This usually signifies that something complicated is going on.  Since I don't do any research outside the two television hours of this show, I guess I'll never find out (please help me out on this one, Mrs. Dugan).  

UG's sisters like Kaitlyn quite a bit.  At this moment, I wish Britt had been the Bachelorette because she would make the worst impressions on the families.  Kaitlyn, on the other hand, always seems to make good first impressions.  

I wrote too soon.  UG's dad wants to know "what the hell is going on, because this is nuts."  UG calmed Mr. Ugly Sr.'s fears by saying that he loves Kaitlyn.  

The show ended with Kaitlyn's tears because she just doesn't know what to do.  She cares so much about both guys.  

Until two weeks from now, when we find out who will be the champ....

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 9: Erin Go Gragh Edition

"Erin go Bragh" means Ireland Forever...and it seems like we have been in Ireland forever. We begin with Kaitlyn lamenting the loss of Dr. Harris, DDS. Really? We are going to pretend like he was a loss?

Role Models Ben and The Bachelor Tryout w/ Irish Whiskey

Role Models Ben rows Kaitlyn to a private island where they return to a tried and true Bachelor shtick: hide-and-seek. Oh, you don't remember past hide and seek events? What about Farmer Chris and Andi in the Carribean? What about Farmer Chris at home in Iowa? Ok, now let's think about the last time you played hide-and-seek on a date? Oh, never? Me neither. Is this show produced by 5 yr olds?

Kaitlyn asks the QOTS during some late night time with Ben: "You seem like husband material. Do I seem like wife material?” Actually, no.

Role Models Ben discusses his last girlfriend and questions if he is lovable. 

Ben drops this quote - “this relationship makes me a better person” - which caused me to reflexively google image search the word "gag." I immediately regret that choice. Kaitlyn questions Role Models Ben's virginity but won't be able to take his v card as Ben jumps to the lead of most likely Bachelor.

Group Date with American Pharoah, Ugly Gosling and Hans w/ Irish Whiskey

The men leave Chris Quinn Jared to work on his facial hair while they drink more Irish Whiskey. Ugly Gosling grabs quick one-on-one time and Kaitlyn is struggling with her desire to build trust with UG while keeping the Hans Hanky Panky from him.  Ugly Gosling is oblivious to the bomb about to be dropped.

Hans interrupts and they immediately begin discussing the consequences of their escapade. Kaitlyn doesn't regret their night together: “I’m a grown woman. I can do what I want.” Oh really, Cartman?

American Pharoah is on the outside looking in and needs to make up ground on the home stretch. It's good to see Fleiss & Co. still read the blog as they cut to wild horses before American Pharaoh's one-on-one time.

You know what's not a good response when you profess your love to a women: "It’s really flattering.” Ouch. Send American Pharaoh to the ol' Barbaro Glue Factory because he is done. 

She cuts him and it gets awkward.

AP: “What do I do now?”

Kaitlyn: “Whatever you have to do.”

AP: "I'm not saying shit to you now."

With AP gone, it's time for Ugly Gosling to hear the truth about Hans. UG is fairly calm, cool and collected in the face of  Kaitlyn's confession. 

Rose Ceremony Time 

Hans, Chris Quinn Jared, Ugly Gosling and Role Models Ben take a horse drawn carriage to the gallows for one of them. UG gets the first rose and needs some reassuring. Kaitlyn snares Ugly Gosling followed by next Bachelor Role Models Ben and Hans.

Say goodbye to Chris Quinn Jared.

Great tweet by @Millsy11374: Neil Lane was NEVER going to allow man named Jared to get close to the end. Never. #TheBachelorette

Cork One on One with Hans and Irish Whiskey

Kaitlyn and Hans enter another church and Hans explains the sacrament of confession. Isn't it ironic...don't you think? Perhaps they'll end the season with a step towards another sacrament. They leave church and head to a bar (good choice) to have some crack (errrr....craic) with the locals. 

Kaitlyn and Hans get along. They have a great connection. We get it. The most important fact we learn on this episode is that Ugly Gosling is eskimo brothers with a famous country singer?

Whenever I have the option to pick a country singer...GEORGE JONES!

Until next week when teh Ugly Gosling/Hans dual finally boils over.