Episode IV: The CEM II Show

Before the show started, I received a text message from WWT reader Eric M. He suggested a drinking game. 1 drink every time "black eye" is mentioned. This seems like a good idea...if you want alcohol poisoning.

The show begins with CEM II waking up with a . . . you guessed it! A black eye. Nanny Ashley says she wished she gave CEM II the black eye.

The first date was a helicopter ride out to Catalina Island with Chantal O. to find a little island love. The Bachelor continues the trend of putting the women in a situation where they have to face their worst fears. For Chantal, it's deep water. She seems to be more scared of her past divorce coming back to destroy her chances of becoming Chantal Womack.

CEM II says that she "deserves" the one-on-one date more than anyone. It's unclear why she deserves it. The producers quickly flashed back to Chantal's one-on-one date, but realized where their bread is buttered and went right back to CEM II. CEM II is having stress issues and thinks she may have beat herself up in the middle of the night. It's times like these I wish I had gone to med school and become a psychiatrist.

Back to Chantal's date. She locks up her position in the final 3. Liz thinks she may be a dark-horse for the next Bachelorette.

The group date was off to Dr. Drew's Love Line radio show with Mike "Not Adam Corolla." Dr. Drew is going to have a field day with this crowd. Supposedly, two of the women are already signed up for Celebrity Rehab next season. 3 out of the 4 episodes this season have had a therapist featured on the show...but who's counting?

Dr. Drew asked the gals who has cheated. In the NOT shocker of the century, Stacey the Bartender has cheated. But Brad says that it was all about honesty (but isn't cheating all about honesty?) . Paging Dr. Jason Seaver.

The date continued with some hot tubbin'. Dentist Ashley has feelings that are "erupting" with jealousy. This date then erupted into some good old fashioned Brad-stealing. This seems to further confirm that Brad is mandated to interrupt his one-on-one time when asked.

Flash sideways to the house, and CEM II gets the final date invite, but Chantal observes that every date card mentions "love" except for CEM II's. Chantal is quickly becoming a crowd favorite.

Hot tub update: Dentist Ashley is going mental and giving CEM II a run for her crazy money. Dentist Ashley moaned, groaned, and immatured her way out of a rose (first time in the English language "immature" has been properly used as a verb). Dentist Ashley's loss is Food Writer Britt's gain. Britt gets the rose.

Do a google image search for "immature dentist." This picture is #6:


CEM II's one-on-one date begins with the second helicopter of the episode. Brad is truly on the blades of love. (Interesting side note: of all the parents that have appeared on the Bachelor/ette, CEM II definitely talks about her child the least). CEM II and Brad are going to repel down the side of a building. I half-expected Joe Rogan to come out of nowhere and make them eat a live worm while repelling.



CEM II is proving to be a combination of Vienna (a little trashy), Deanna (very forward), Gia (plastic surgery), and Michelle (crazy). Bradmund is a sucker for her and she gets the rose. According to Brad, "this is an easy one." Maybe the producers don't have as much to do with CEM II's advancement as we thought.

Dr. Jamie the Aussie therapist was back to counsel Bradmund. Once again, Chris Harrison has been replaced by a professional (Liz points out that Harrison must have known that he would be in over his head with Bradmund's many issues).

The moment of the cocktail party was when Bradmund put his foot in his mouth and told Bad Shoes Rising that she will find someone someday. Then he had to backtrack quickly and say, "I mean me of course." A truly Womackian slip.

The rose ceremony began on the heels of Chantal having a minor meltdown, but Brad knew just what the doctor ordered and gave her a kiss.

There were no surprises tonight in the rose ceremony results. Stacey the Cheating Bartender honestly had to go home. Bad Shoes Rising got the boot too. Finally, the redhead (the only minority on the show), Shark Attack Lindsey, had to go. But at least she made her papa proud. Too bad we never even got to find out about those daddy issues.

Until next week, when the producers show no heart and send Emily to a race track.

Episode III: The Bachelor Eliminates the Blondes who will not be the next Bachelorette

Luckily, it’s early in the season and I probably haven’t ruined the episode for you yet. This week’s blog, like the show itself, will hit a groove now that it is week 3 and the ladies are no longer strangers.

Nanny Ashley “Seals” the Deal

Dugan is not above bad puns and Brad and the Nanny showed they are not above public embarrassment on the first one-on-one of the episode. Brad and his Nanny travel to Studio A at Capitol Records to perform the 1994 hit, Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose.”  Just food for thought, but 15 of the original 30 Ladies were Ten Years old or younger when Seal’s hit helped Val Kilmer usher in Batman Forever.

Brad and his Nanny predictably butcher the song, but Mr. Klum saves the day and helps Ashley seal a rose. Ashley’s tattoo count is listed at 0, but this may be due to most states’ laws against tattooing minors (that’s what she said!). I am not buying that Ashley is 26. My guess is 13. Helping me is the fact that she had on Silly Bands.

In a recurring theme this season, the Nanny has daddy issues.

The Ho Movie, a.k.a. “Love Hurts”

Director Steven Ho (do yourself a favor and read his Wikipedia) gathered Brad and a large group of ladies for some more fake movie making. We have Malibu Shark Attach Teacher Lindsey, Step*Daddy Car Dealership Chantal, Young Alli, Food Writer Britt, Dugan’s Guarantee to leave until she does Kimberly, No Date Sarah, 6 Feet Under Shawntel, Dentist Ashley, Lisa (who I decided applied for Beauty and the Geek but was mistakenly cast on the Bachelor), Bartender Stacey, Sporty Spice Marissa and C.E.M.#II (Crazy Eyes Michelle #II for those that did not read the comments from last week’s blog, also pronounced “Chem 2” like in high school).

Despite the movie making, the date did not bring much drama until the Wrap Party. Chantal told us about her Daddy Issues,

C.E.M.#II’s crazy picked up speed with an awkward presence during Alli’s sit down with Brad, but Shawntel’s acting earned the rose. Back at the house, Artist Jackie, Bachelorette Emily, Nanny Ashley, Twilight and Bad Shoes Rising were having a girls night…all drinking Red Wine except Nanny who opted for a Shirley Temple. Mrs. Dugan had a good eye and pointed out that our next Bachelorette Emily was wearing Pajama Jeans for a discussion about her fiancé’s death and subsequent revelation that she was pregnant with his baby.

This is how Twilight summed up the night:

The Bachelor takes out the Bachelorette on a One-on-One

Despite some very questionable decision making by the producers to put Emily in a Pilatus, Brad and the Bachelorette have a very nice date at Cambria Winery as Mrs. Dugan and I try to figure out how the producers are going to have Emily exit the show. (For the record, Mrs. Dugan says it will involve her missing her daughter, further entrenching her as America’s favorite Coal Miner’s Daughter and setting up the best ratings in Bachelorette history).

Brad continues his Forest Gumpian/Dumb & Dumber “I like her a lot” but gives three “lots” this time. You may recall Dentist Ashley was only two “lot” hot in Brad’s first one-on-one of the season. No doubt Emily is 3 lot hot and secures the rose. Meanwhile, back at the house, Twilight can’t shake how real shit has gotten.

Guess Who’s Coming to the Rose Ceremony?

Bradmund Freud!!! He meets with his L.A. Therapist to learn Jedi mind tricks to get the girls to open up. Brad learns that he must open his heart and become vulnerable if he wants the girls to come in. Brad decides to open up at the rose ceremony.

Brad has to be careful for what he wishes for. His new open self leads to Alli presenting her own Daddy Issues (this is getting ridiculous). Stepdaddy Car Dealer Chantal and Brad have some chemistry and their solid time together was interrupted (I give you one guess) by C.E.M.#II. C.E.M.#II seems to be confused by the show she is on. She wants “Brad’s side” of why he kissed other girls Shawntel and Chantal.

Here’s Dugan’s take: HE’S THE FUCKING BACHELOR.

This is a good time to bring up C.E.M.#IIs crazy quotes of the week:

1. Her feelings on the other girls: “I’m not gonna lie, I hate them.”
2. Her thoughts on the other girls’chances: “Pack your bags, get your plane tickets booked…farewell, goodbye. He is mine. He is mine.”
3. Her plans for Brad in Tahiti: “Practice making babies.”

The Coal Miner’s Daughter was conspicuously absent from the Cocktail Party. Was she filming promos for the Bachelorette?

Who Gets Kissed From a Rose?

The Nanny, 6 Feet Under and the Bachelorette are safe.

• C.E.M.#II gets a rose.
• Step Daddy Dealer Chantal is next.

BOOM. Twilight exits the building. She was never able to recover from Emily’s tragic story. Shit just got real.

• Lisa moves on and thinks she is one step closer to having Brad be her prom date.
• Artist Jackie
• Dentist Ashley
• Sporty Spice Marissa
• Food Writer Britt
• Alli
• Malibu Shark Attack Lindsey
• Bad Shoes Rising
• Bartender Stacey

No Date Sarah and Dugan’s Guarantee to leave until she does Kimberly join Twilight on Blond Farewell night. DGTLUSD Kimberly gave a great exit interview: “Fuck Brad. His Loss.” Malibu Shark Attack and Food Writer Britt better watch out as the remaining red head/blond (Bachelorette excluded because the Producers have to drag her appearance a little longer to up her Q rating.)

Till next week, ladies and gentlemen.

Season Fourteen, Episode II: Michelle's Birthday Episode

In the immortal words of Harry Caray, this was a "Holy Cow" episode. What was Michelle thinking? In a heated battle, she has leapt to the front for the crazy lead. But let's begin with the dates in order. Just as a recap to all our loyal readers and a nod to our new ones, Dugan uses mnemonic devices to separate the mass of women. Some stick, some don't.

The Dentist in the Teapot

Dentist Ashley H. begins the first one-on-one of the season (after dirty looks from Nanny Ashley who used to be called Hot Nanny but the ugly Nanny has since been discarded) after the date card reads "the road to love is a wild ride." "Wild" should have been replaced with "scary" because there was a deserted, dirt road with no lights. The dirt road gives way to a sketchy carnival set up in the woods as Mrs. Dugan mutters, "oh, much less freaky now." I thought to myself that we may see the first Murder on the Bachelor; but no, it was simply a terrifying beginning to a great date.

This date offers a glimpse into the transformation Brad has undergone these last few years. The crack staff at WWT has uncovered some shocking before and after picture of Brad to illustrate the changes.

Old Brad

New Brad

Ashley confesses to the camera that she is falling for the Bachelor and ABC's tricks.I roll my eyes as they cut to Brad as he does his best Forrest Gump: "I like this girl. I like her a lot." Slap! Hand hits forehead. Brad and Ashley share their respective Daddy issues and it looks like Brad could go from choosing no one his last season to wrapping it up on date one. Dentist Ashley secures the rose and safety for another week.

The Fake Movie Date where Everyone Kisses the Bachelor/ette


This has become an early season standard for our friends at ABC and we take the ladies on a contrived drama roller coaster.  We have Kickin Keltie, Daddy has a car dealership Chantal, Twilight (Madison), Olive Garden Hostess Melissa, Dugan's pick to go home every week until she actually does Kimberly (there is nothing else that will be said about her because she is invisible to the cameras and microphones that help make up this show), Manscaper Raichal, Sporty Spice Marissa, Food Writer Britt, next Bachelorette Emily (has it ever been more obvious this early in a season who will be the next Bachelor/ette?), Bartender Stacey, Young Ally, 6 Feet Under Shawntel, Michelle "don't call me Crazy Eyes who incidentaly was also named 'Michelle'" and the very cute Lisa.

While I did include all the women, this group date was about one woman's tragic meltdown over her 3rd 30th birthday. "Don't Call me Crazy" Michelle mentioned it so many times that other blogs started this countdown: Michelle's Birthday Count.

The fake scenes were largely unmemorable but for Food Writer Britt's getting into character and really going at it with Brad after talking to the camera about how she's a prude. My other favorite is the wrap party that has food and booze and you know none of these waif thin woman eat....except, of course, Food Writer Britt who is furiously chomping down and taking notes.

There is some background drama between Olive Garden Melissa and the Manscaper. Don't Call me Crazy Michelle is also creating some drama but is cute enough to get a pass and a rose from Brad on her....BIRTHDAY!!!

Brad's Train date with Jackie


Artist Jackie is a Mrs. Dugan favorite to go far and she had an early introduction to Bachelor/ette Favorite Neil Lane during her one-on-one. Pampered with dresses, spa treatment, jewelry and new sophisticated Brad, Jackie had "one of the best dates I've been on."  Mrs. Dugan, as she struggled shopping online for back-ordered items, wants to know what other dates Jackie may have been on that topped this one.

Brad does have one concern.  Is Jackie like the old Brad? Bradmund Freud may get old this season psychoanalyzing all the girls.

Jackie calms Brad's concerns over her Id and secures the rose.

The Rose Ceremony

Melissa explains that she quit her job to chase her dream for love. The Manscaper would never give up her promising career, nor would she give up fighting with Melissa.  Let's hope the Applebees in Lake Worth is hiring because the Olive Garden has moved on Melissa.  And so will you and the Manscaper as Brad tries to eliminate the Drama.  

WWT favorites Ali and Roberto were welcomed to the Rose Night to help Brad give out an early one. They, like Dugan, fancy Emily and she secures the rose.

So, heading into the rose ceremony we have roses for the Dentist, the Crazy, the Artist and the Coal Miner's daughter.

Sticking around for next week after getting roses will be:

• Daddy has a car dealership Chantal
• No Date Sarah
• Ally
• Dugan's Guarantee to leave until she does Kimberly
• 6 Feet Under Shawntel
• Bartender Stacy
• Nanny Ashley
• Twilight (Madison)
• Lisa
• Sporty Spice Marissa
• Bad Shoes Meghan
• Malibu Shark Attach Lindsey (Mrs. Dugan assured me she looks like the girl from MSA)
• Food Writer Britt

Who joins the drama twins? Keltie is kicked to the curb.

Until next week.

The Bachelor: Season 14 "I'm Sorry" Premiere

Big Monday has arrived. At work today, I had to restrain myself from telling people that I was excited for the season premiere of the Bachelor: Brad is Back. I felt like most of my colleagues would react similar to Roger and Don, my TV heroes.



But don't despair loyal Reader. Our fear of public humiliation will not deter us from blogging this 14th season of The Bachelor (and that's not including the additional 6 seasons of The Bachelorette). As far as I'm concerned, Emmy-award-worthy shows be damned.

With our summary, I begin:

Chris opened by telling us this is "already one of the most shocking seasons in Bachelor history." How? Because it started with Brad on the beach? Because the opening music is emotional and romantic? I'm not seeing it yet Chris. I wasn't particularly shocked by any of it.

The show began with informing us how broken Brad is. After he chose neither Jenni nor Deanna, poor Brad had to go to therapy because of the bloggers! WE DID IT! SI SE PUEDE! Liz wanted to know why Brad's twin brother Chad wasn't there for him? I figured that Chad must find Brad's whining as annoying as everyone else.

We were then introduced to 9 of the ladies. These are obviously the 9 favorites. I know how you operate Harrison! You can't fool me! This isn't my first rodeo.

1) Ashley H. - dentist, talks to Ben Franklin statues, dances like Tom Cruise in her socks, guarantees "healthy gums"
2) Shawntel N. - funeral director
3) Ashley S. - dead father issues, making me sad just watching her story
4) Chantal O. - another girl with an initial last name, divorcee, better at selling cars than dating
5) Michelle - mother, "not here to make friends"
6) Raichel the Manscaper - men get Brazilian waxes?
7) Megan - loves shopping
8) Madison - wears fangs, probably is on Team Edward
9) Emily - southern belle, husband was Ricky Bobby who died in car crash, daughter named after Ricky Bobby.

Before beginning Brad's 2nd search for love, Jenni and Deanna came back to give him a piece of their mind and get their overdue apology. This little charade just reminded me how much I dislike Deanna. I think they already made a movie about this (Deanna should check it out):




All of the ladies came out of the limo. Brad got slapped by one of them. Most of them said Brad has "a lot of 'splaining to do." I'm not so sure why Brad needed to be endlessly guilt-tripped right away. I don't think Chad would approve of anyone being so mean to his twin. When ladies are mean to Brad, Chad can feel his pain from hundreds of miles away (it's an identical twin thing).

Cocktail Party

Brad started off the cocktail party with a speech/apology for being a two-time Bachelor. He also gave any of the women the opportunity to leave. Predictably, none of the women decided to pack up and leave. One of them should have done it so Chris Harrison could have announced the most dramatic moment in Bachelor history.

Brad continued the cocktail party with his many apologies. Chris Harrison could have saved him a bunch of time by just playing this song on repeat the whole time...



The cocktail party continued with the ladies jockeying for the first impression rose. Brad was constantly "stolen" from every conversation he was in. I have a theory that Brad is contractually required to go with whomever "steals" him. Liz thinks Brad wants to be stolen away so he can get out of dumb conversations.

Brad gave the first impression rose Ashley/Tenley. Michelle Menunos was very angry about Brad's choice because "she's a woman, not a little girl." I like where this bitterness could lead as the season goes on.

Rose Ceremony

At the Rose Ceremony, Brad gave the producers what they wanted, a rose for Madison Twighlight, the girl with fangs. She's going to drive all of the other women crazy because she's clearly not there for the right reasons.

The ceremony ended with all 9 Favorites getting roses. As the ceremony was ending, Liz and I noticed that there are no minorities and no ages listed by their names.

At the end, Chris Harrison proclaimed that this will be the most "controversial" season of The Bachelor. Consider my interest piqued.