The Bachelorette Episode 9: SavuSaving Some Drama for Fiji

We begin the episode with some beautiful aerial shots of Fiji and explanations from Ashley of the remaining men: Winemaker, Greek Groban and Cupcake. Then we cut to the misty rain and see a fourth, unidentified man coming back to win Ashley's heart? "It's the dentist," says Mrs. Dugan (obviously falling for the editing tricks of Fleiss & Co.). But no. The man coming out of the rain was not the only dentist to appear on the show this season. It was Solar Vienna.

Solar Vienna Part I of II

Solar Vienna is a contradiction. He relies on solar energy for his job but seemingly was in the rain all season long. He has no luck with women but is supremely confidant. Solar Vienna is pretty sure that Ashley "is regretting sending me home." He blames odd circumstances such as there "being other guys around." Really? On the Bachelorette? That's the excuse you want to go with? In the end, he wants to know if Ashley "feels like I do."

Ashley, do you?

And Ashley's first response to Solar Vienna pouring his heart out, explaining his motives and the mountains he moved to get to Fiji..."WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" If that's not love, I don't know what is. After explaining that he is going to stay nearby, Ashley sums up Dugan's feelings very well, "This is crazy." Agreed.

Winemaker Ben and Ashley Losing Her Flower

Winemaker and Ashley go sailing on a yacht and snorkeling for their daytime activity. And you need to enjoy the funny moments because when Fleiss & Co. go for romance, often comedy is all we have. This date didn't stand out for me, but for three items:

1. Early on the date, wind blows a flower from Ashley's hair.  Ashley blurts out, "I lost my flower." Silly Ashley, that comes at the end of the date. 

2. Ben admits "I kind of saw my life with Ashley floating before my eyes." Noting says "life" like private yachts and snorkeling in Fiji. 

3. Ben's shirt!!! What the hell was that? Is it the worst clothing choice in Bachelor/ette history? Is Dugan being too catty over this? It was like a mesh sweatshirt. It was odd.

Fantasy Suite Time

Because I remain mentally between 6-8th grade, I often chuckle when the date card invites them to stay "as a couple." The Dugans inch forward on their couch for what could be the first hot tub scene of the season only to be disappointed.  It was a giant pool. But Ben did pick Ashley up romance novelesque out of the pool.

If you, like Dugan, also enjoyed the pool exit, here's a few more to pass your day.

Greek Groban and a Big Problem for Bachelorettes

There are different problems that Bachelors face than Bachelorettes, but I presume this problem is bigger for Bachelorettes. Being on this show seems like a blast. You travel all around the world getting to do amazing things for weeks. Greek Groban was clearly more excited for the helicopter and waterfall high dives than Ashley. Mrs. Dugan and I discussed this during the date after we both ran to the nearest bathroom to throw up after Ashley's quote of the night from the helicopter: "I have a Greek God to my left and crystal blue water beneath me"

Ugh. But Fleiss & Co. deserve all the credit, because right when they are about to lose me, they flash to pathetic Solar Vienna and make it appear Ashley flies right over head. The helicopter has replaced the rain cloud as Solar Vienna's torment. 

Dinner Time

It's time to get down to business for Ashley. She wants some questions answered followed by the romance novel treatment from her Greek Groban God. Ashley questions his home purchasing methods, hand holding reluctance and general lack of being head over heels. Greek Groban explains that things have to come naturally, that they have not yet, and that he knows what the fantasy suite means and implies. And that he knows he is NOT in love with her. BOOM. ROASTED.

East Coast Interruption by the POTUS and George Hamilton's response. (Dugan will not breakdown politics in this space.)

But terrible timing by the politicos. Back to Fiji. And Greek Groban brings it for the blog in this statement to Ashley:

"This means the end of the road for me."

Ashley's response: 

Dugan's only thought:

And Ashley sits alone, at the table, reading her fantasy suite card. Dumped. Hilarious.

Solar Vienna Part II of II: From Limo to Lame

Solar Vienna can never get past losing his early lead. Ashley needs to set him straight and to right her world from the Greek Gong Show. Ashley dumps Solar Vienna and Dugan fast forwards the DVR because he is done with Solar Vienna.

Cupcake's Time to Shine

I always wonder what's going on in the background. The seaplane pilot drops them off on the beach. Does he have a kindle? An Ipad with wifi? Is he checking his portfolio while the lovebirds make out on the beach in front of the camera crew? I admit I think too much about this show, but it's an escape and I can't stop now.

Ashley explains that she sent two men home to Cupcake. How she had to let Ryan go again and how it was a mutual decision with her and Greek Groban. 

Ashley reinvents getting dumped, spends some fantasy suite time with Cupcake where Fleiss & Co. once again try to force Ashley's nonexistent sexiness on us. And ABC still had some time to fill so they had a rose ceremony with two men and two roses. And I refuse to comment further because Harrison did not utter his most important line. 

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Hometown Emotion

The show started off in Philadelphia, "Ashley's hometown." I could have sworn Ashley was from some random city close to Canada that eats gravy on their french fries. Google research tells me that it's called poutine. That sounds as gross as the picture looks.

Date #1: Greek Groban in Cumming, Georgia

It's a REALLY good thing I didn't do the bottle of wine routine tonight, because Greek Groban's hometown is called...see above. I can't even write it twice without feeling like I need to go to confession.

When we nicknamed Constantine, Greek Groban, I don't think we realized just how stereotypically Greek this guy is. His father's name is Dimitri. There was a baby named Athena. The family danced in circles. Ya-Ya sat on the couch. His family owns a restaurant that specializes in feta.

Ashley is so smitten with Groban's looks. It appeared that she wasn't the only lady in C*mm!n$ that likes Constantine. As they kissed outside the restaurant, all of the restaurant servers oohed and ahhed in jealousy.

I thoroughly enjoyed the hell out of all interviews with Dimitri. I felt like it was my introduction to the Greek Rosetta Stone. Ashley had obviously purchased the program beforehand because she said that the conversations with the Grobans went "better than any conversation she's had in a long time."

Bold Prediction: Greek Groban wins it all. Liz thinks it's not such a bold pick because I can say I thought I was predicting Sonoma Ben to win if Ben wins it all.

Date #2: Chad Ford, PA and El Douche

El Douche has a really crackly voice. Just noticed that.

The Douches looked completely uninterested in the process. El Douche's sister is named Serena. She was concerned that Ashley isn't all that interested in El Douche. Serena may not be a professional tennis player, but she knows how to serve up some relationship criticism.

Serena continued her meddling/astute observations with El Douche. Serena spilled the beans that Ashley wants a ring at the end of the process. El Douche looked like he got muay thai punched in the face again.

El Douche ended the date by taking Ashley to his "favorite tree." I found a picture of my favorite tree so you could see it and maybe we can have a picnic there:

Ashley ended the date by saying that she likes how she and Douche think alike. I guess if El Douche went to Arizona State and didn't recycle, they would think alike.

Date #3: Sonoma Ben...you guessed it...in Sonoma

In a totally money move that will be lost on Ashley, Sonoma Ben takes her straight to his vineyards. Unfortunately for Sonoma Ben, Ashley has a favorite wine already:

Turns out Ashley is only the second gal that Sonoma has ever brought home. I liked his sister right away when she ripped on his hair.

When pushed by his sister about whether he would propose at the end, he said "I would have no problem proposing if she picked me." I'm sure that's exactly what Ashley would want to hear.

I nearly had to turn the TV off when Ben got emotional about his father. Next to Ryan's proposal to Trista, that was the most emotional I've ever gotten during an episode. I'm convinced that Ashley isn't fit to swirl Sonoma Ben's Bordeaux blend.

Date #4: Roslyn, NY - the best Cupcake around

Cupcake started off the episode by saying how excited he was to be back in Long Island. Ouch.

Cupcake took Ashley roller skating. I wasn't so thrilled for this date, but I was thrilled to be introduced to this music video:

Liz made a bold prediction: no matter who wins, none of these relationships lasts more than 6 months. I'm not convinced there's anything particularly "bold" about that prediction.

Ashley got to Cupcake's parents house for dinner and made a snippy comment about eating carbs. I'm really starting to dislike her. Fake dentistry, insecurity, throwing away aluminum cans in the trash, and now ripping on carbs...my favorite food group.

Cupcake is confident that his heart is not going to get broken because he has something with Ashley that "none of the other guys have." Now we're talking. A little arrogance makes the fall at the end even harder. Cupcake went all in on that statement.

Cupcake got played by his Mom at the end when she busted out his Bar Mitzvah mullet poster. Once again, I wish I could have had a Bar Mitzvah. First Communion and Confirmation are just not a good enough religious party.

Rose Ceremony

Do we even need 20 minutes devoted to this? El Douché is getting sent home. Liz is hoping El Douche is the next Bachelor. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I might actually agree. He's a pretty interesting and occasionally funny guy. Plus, he likes Magnolia trees. My kind of tree hugger.

Rose #1: Sonoma Ben (sporting a new haircut)

Rose #2: Cupcake (not sporting hair)

Rose #3: Greek Groban (sporting lots of hair...as always)

As not-so-boldly predicted above, El Douche got sent home. His Ivy League brain couldn't compute. He now leaves to "go start a lifetime of adventures, with himself, which is, less enticing." Get this guy to a therapist.

Until next week in Fiji.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Holy &%#@, there's only 6 guys left?

Did the opening leave anyone else surprised? Apparently this season is humming along, because we are at the hometown dates next week. Anyways, Ashley began the week with a run down of the guys and why she likes them. Solar Vienna and Cupcake make her feel safe. Lucas Oil is a genuine, great guy. El Douche is unique, sweet and intelligent. Winemaker Ben is funny. And Greek Groban is easy to look at. Dugan knows the way to a women's heart is to make her laugh, so Ben is now my pick to win.

The guys are welcomed to Taiwan by Harrison. Mrs. Dugan points out the odd distance between the guys and Harrison. He is literally 30 yards away from them. He should have used a bullhorn when explaining the three one-on-ones and group date.

Greek Groban and the Pissing Dog


Ashley dishes that her relationship with Greek Groban is slowly proceeding compared to the others. But they have just the thing to get things heated up: a steam engine. BOOM.

Ashley explains that "wishes come true" during this rather picturesque lantern lighting ceremony. And she drops an early favorite for Dugan's quote of the night:

"He is taking this lantern thing seriously. It makes me think there may be a future there."

Greek Groban explains he has a big family. I know everyone's thinking it:

Greek Groban tells Ashley he has strong feelings, but is not ready to throw around the L word just yet. Perhaps because he's known her for approximately 13 days. While shown in the credits, it was probably the highlight of the episode, but a dog pissed on their wish lantern. It was hilarious.

Ben's Gorges Date

Ben heard about the Gorges date and wisely guessed there would be some "outdoor time." Unless Taiwan has indoor gorges, Dugan wasn't ready to proclaim Winemaker the next Nostradamus. Early on in the date, we learned just how much of a favorite Ben had become. Ashley claimed Ben was "the man" on his moped. ON. A. MOPED.

At dinner, Ashley made a pretty big faux pas in Ben's world. She compared the wine to the wine he brought her. You could see the devastation in Ben's face. The Dental Student does not have a deft palate. Ben's face relayed the wines were similar along the lines of "they were both white." The wine flop doesn't end the date, nor do they...until the next morning.

Cupcake "doesn't give a fuck" which clearly means he gives a lot a fuck. Winemaker gets a nickname from the men upon his arrival, Mr. 24 hours. I like it, but we're sticking with Winemaker at WWT.

"Group Dates Suck" 

Another gem from Cupcake while completely unravelling on the group date of wedding photos. Lucas Oil had to wear a condom. El Douche was dressed up in the Dumb & Dumber tuxes. Lucas Oil and El Douche were set up to fail and excelled.

Cupcake gets to wear a tux and crumbles. But his connection with Ashley and whining secure a rose and a hometown date.

Solar Vienna and the lack of Sunshine

Perhaps it was an omen that the sun did not appear in Taiwan for Solar Vienna. But do you know who did? The fortune teller from Big masquerading as a Taiwanese God of Love.

Ashley searched and searched for the romantic connection with Solar Vienna but she came to the same conclusion as the rest of the guys in the house: "I'm just not feeling it." Hey, Ryan!!!

Solar Vienna got the boot mid date. Watching Ryan's meltdown, Dugan felt this date might as well have taken place in Fukushima instead of Taiwan.

Rose Ceremony

Consistent with the heavy theme of inserted pictures, we'll continue for the Rose Ceremony portion of the blog.

The crumbling cupcake is safe.

Who's joining him:

Greek Groban.

Winemaker.

El Douche.

Don't stress Lucas, any Texan knows a lot of wells end up dry. Keep digging, buddy. Keep digging.