The Bachelor: Juan Love Finale

For those reading at home, there will be two recaps of tonight's episode. This is Dugan here taking the pro-Juan Pablo side of events. I have to be honest, Fleiss & Co. really had me on the ropes there for a bit. About half-way through the episode, I texted Tim unsure if I could fulfill my role this evening. But the night continued and  the cloudy skies parted to reveal a hero to all true fans of not only love, but also the true goals of the Bachelor/ette. 

Et tu, Harrison?

As if the people of Venezuela have not suffered enough recently, host Chris Harrison comes out swinging during the opening. Chris promised tears, controversy, drama, debates and surprises. Worst of all, he questioned JP’s intentions. Tonight's episode reveals that Fleiss & Co. have a tried and true script and any deviations from said script will be dealt with through national ridicule and public shamming. It was tough to watch them eat their own because JP refused to play by their rules.

Et tu, Mama, Papa, Primo, Hermano?

• Claire is the first to meet JP's family in beautiful St. Lucia. In news that interests Dugan, Claire points out how much sexier JP is because of his fatherhood. Dugan is at least 3x as sexy as JP judging by the same standards.
• Claire spends two minutes around JP and his daughter and determines that JP is “exactly the type of dad I would want for my children.” HOW?
• Claire has 13 nieces and nephews and is ready to start her own brood.
• JP's family picks up where Harrison left off
• Mama reveals he is not only hyperactive, but super hyperactive, has poor communication skills, makes his own mother cry and is rude. Thanks, mom?
• Primo Rodolfo warns that JP will run at the first hint of relationship problems.
• Papa warns that JP is "not easy"

Let's sum up the family's advice: YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!

Nurse Nikki Brings Flowers and a Back Tat

Nurse Nikki's visit brought about my favorite moment from tonight's episode.

JP's Family: “So….you’re from Kansas”

Nurse Nikki: “No, Missouri”

Ok, Americanos. Before we get all judgy with JP's family...let's play the newest WWT Game show...

KANSAN OR MISSOURIAN!!!

Here's the list:

• Sam Brownback
• Dick Gephardt
• Dwight Eisenhower
• Stan Musial
• George Brett
• Kathleen Sebelius
• Ulysses S. Grant
• J. William Fullbright
• Bob Dole
• Harry Truman
• John Danforth

10 or more correct = a Trista and Ryan happiness star

6 to 9 = Mesnick and Molly

3-5 = Sean and Catherine

1-2 = Brad Womack

0 = Jake Pavelka

Papa, Mama, and Primo Rodolfo continue to try and scare Nurse Nikki with all of JP's faults, but she is determined to stay interested.

Claire and JP's Helicopter Journey Veers Off Course

Look, no one is going to argue that JP is the most likable Bachelor/ette ever but ABC really tried to hammer this guy because he was honest. It's a two month dating show where very little quality time is allowed between the participants. There's been 18 Bachelors and 3 marriages. So Fleiss & Co. don't like anyone pulling back the curtain. They are determined to make the audience believe this is about love and marriage. And no Venezuelan is about to expose the great and powerful OZ due to honesty.

JP was attracted to Claire. Claire, understandably, didn't want sex to be the focus of their relationship. She wanted more. She wanted a real connection. There is a perfectly understandable reason JP and Claire's relationship was stalled at the physical connection they shared since early on the season. (Foreshadowing...)

Later that night, Claire wanted a more detailed explanation from JP. The problem is that he was being honest. I believe he got himself into more trouble because he had to keep this charade going for the cameras. They have chemistry and enjoy hooking up. Claire was upset that he stated he doesn’t know her. Oh, you know why he doesn't know you, Claire? Because he's been filming a TV show where he dates 27 women at once. HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU. He’s being honest and telling you how he feels. JP admitted, “I could lie to you…”

That is what ABC, Harrison, and Fleiss & Co. wanted. The fact that JP was honest was his undoing.

Nurse Nikki's Catamaran Cruise

The Nurse Nikki final date was fairly guarded. It was like watching a Floyd Mayweather fight. Nothing happened. You did get a glimpse of JP when Nurse Nikki asked what life would be like without private islands: a tv with sports on. 

A co-worker predicted Nikki would win because she is the opposite of Claire. She never challenged JP and JP clearly does not like to get challenged. But their date also revealed her true feelings. Nurse Nikki is clearly into JP. Claire wants to win just to win.

Bad Moon Rising

• NO NEIL LANE. Bad Omen. Neil Lane is the most likable part of every season. And we didn't get Neil Lane. Why don't you just take out "Ladies, this is the final rose tonight" while you're at it.
• In a strong runner up to the Missouri/Kansas quote of the night, Claire came strong with a contradiction: “the whole time, I wanted to be here…there were times when I wanted to bolt.” WAIT. Read that slowly. Again.
• After being rejected, she gave another strong effort: “I would never want my children having a father like you…”
• JP fires back: “WHOOOO. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
• Nikki arrives and secures a rose but not a ring
• JP gives a perfectly reasonable explanation that he wanted to be 100% sure about marriage before proposing.
• While batting 3 out of 18 for actual marriages, Harrison demands 100% engagements.
• Juan Pablo may be the only person involved treating marriage with the respect it deserves. 

After The Final Rose

Still smarting from the non-engagement, Harrison grills JP about saying "I love you." JP refuses. Again, Harrison and company  would rather JP lie and give the people what they want. They want roses and love and engagements, god damn it, and ABC delivers it twice a year on their pre-determined schedule. Harrison demands that JP subject himself to the Fleiss love machine.

Juan Pablo gives them a gentle reminder, "THIS IS REAL LIFE.”

Well, not really.