The Bachelor Episode 4: Ben's Wolfpack in Vegas

Well it is Saturday Sunday, and I am finally ready (i.e. able) to write a recap of last week's episode.  I have been watching the show in fifteen minute increments, which leads to the dates feeling longer than their actual duration.  Reality show love feels more acceptable.  Or maybe I am just low on sleep.  Fleiss and Co. have infiltrated my feeble mind and convinced me that Ben is actually there to find his wife.  Anyways, let's talk about the show.

Software Caila started off the show by announcing that there is "nervousness in the atmosphere."  I agree with her.  I can feel it.  It's coming in the air tonight.  

I've been waiting for this moment for all my life.  

But here's the difference.  If Harrison was drowning, I would lend a hand.  You are a cold-hearted bastard, Phil Collins.  

Harrison informed the women that the show is headed to Vegas, the marriage capital of the world.  I would have guessed Utah, but what do I know?  (To satisfy my curiosity, I looked up where the most weddings take place.  Harrison was correct; Vegas wins.  Istanbul has the most weddings worldwide though.  I totally guessed that.)

Before shipping off to Nevada, Ben felt optimistic, as many people "find love in Vegas."  If that's his definition of "love," then his self-analysis that he is "unlovable" takes on a new meaning.  

Solo Date #1: JoJo Trump

Before the date began, Mrs. Wags questioned JoJo's real estate mogul chops.  Mrs. Wags finds it hard to believe that this Kardashian-looking, Bachelor-love-seeking gal is pulling off major development deals.  

For the second week in a row, the mode of transportation on the date was a helicopter.  Unfortunately, this week's helicopter was likely piloted by Jake Pavelka.  The wind from the helicopter knocked over a table with champagne on it, likely raining down shattered glass on the guests checking into the Aria hotel.  

Back at the house, Olivia overconfidently and confusingly announces that she is "zen with Ben."  

More like zen with a velociraptor.  

Unrelated sidenote: velociraptor is an awesome name.  So is tyrannosaurus rex.  Dinosaurs are still so cool.

Back at the date, there was a fireworks show.  Boring.  We have those yearly in the Bay Area when all our pro sports teams win championships.  

Trump got a rose.  She seems like she could do well in this competition.  

Group Date: Mom Amanda, GI Jubilee, Software Caila, LB, Amber, Things 1 and 2, Hut Hut Leah, Lauren Harbaugh, Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia

The first group date of the show took place, again, in Vegas.  But this date took place during the daytime.  Vegas during the day...woof.

The focus of the date was a talent show performance hosted by a creepy ventriloquist.  But really, is there any other kind?

Lauren Harbaugh announced that she did not want to do anything involving "nipple tassels."  While Fleiss and Co. will stoop to low levels, I am pretty sure they would honor that wish.  

Before performing for creepy ventriloquist's evening crowd, the women got a chance to practice their routines.  We quickly learned the only talented individuals were The Things (Riverdance) and GI Jubilee (the cello).  Both were very impressive.  As far as everyone else goes, Steve Harvey would be unimpressed.  

Olivia, supremely overconfident as usual, announced that she is not embarrassed by anything.  She must have forgotten about her cankles.  Also, this was a nice bit of foreshadowing by Fleiss and Co.  

The Things joked that Olivia's talent is being the center of attention.  Burn.  Right on.  Mrs. Wags announced the Things as her favorite contestants.  

The ventriloquist proclaimed that Vegas audiences are the toughest in the world.  Lots of Vegas hyperbole on this episode.  There must be a tougher room in Philadelphia or New York, right?

Of course, Olivia stole the show, but for all the wrong reasons. She decided to do something she was not comfortable with (always a good idea on national TV) and jump out of a cake wearing a showgirl outfit (strangely, with no shoes).  Even more strangely, she could not dance or do anything resembling sexy.  It was very odd, and Ben looked visibly uncomfortable.  Sensing his vibe, Olivia became upset, and had the first Bachelor Panic Attack of the season (all caps because they own the rights to fake panic attacks for attention-seeking reasons.  Olivia blew it, and she is quickly proving she is not Warsaw-material.

The rest of the evening was boring.  LB got the rose because she showed a rarely seen trait, humility.  

Solo Date #2: Hugs Becca

Hugs' solo date started with a wedding dress delivery at the house.  I am no wedding dress expert, but it did not look like Say Yes to the Dress quality.  

I've never seen this show.

Total lie.  I love it.

Hugs and Ben went to the Little White Chapel, but not to get married.  If they did that, the show would be over, and I would be handwriting my complaint letter to ABC because of no Neil Lane.

Instead, Ben got ordained, and married any couple that walked in the door.  If there's any illusion that the Bachelor himself plans what they do on a date, this shatters it.  If he really got to plan what to do, he would go see Garth Brooks or Britney Spears.  I may be slightly projecting what Mrs. Wags and I would do.  

The first groom looked like Kenneth from 30 Rock. Some other clown came in a tuxedo t-shirt.  There were some very odd first kisses.  None of these relationships, presided over by Ben, are going to last the year.  

After leaving the "chapel," Ben and Hugs went to a neon sign museum.  Again, there's no way one would choose to do this in Vegas.  I was happy to learn that the museum is funded by "grants and donations."  Your tax dollars at work.  This reminded me of my favorite American non-profit "museum."

The date ended with Ben and Hugs making vows to one another.  While Ben said some sweet things, Hugs vowed to always tell Ben that he is great.  

Emphasis on friendship.

Though they appear headed to the friend zone, Hugs' veneers were too much for Ben to resist and she got the rose.

2 on 1 Surprise Date: Twin on One

Before the big surprise, the cameras cut to the women sitting around the house.  This season has frequently shown the women lounging without any makeup.  This is the first season I can remember so many makeup-free scenes.  Do you think Fleiss and Co. force them to do this, or did the women agree to go au natural?  Either way, Things 1 and 2 did not looked prepared for Ben's arrival.  And I am talking about their faces.

The Things had to know this was coming at some stage of the show.  Ben needed to eliminate one of them so he can figure out which one is which.  Other than the rose ceremony, he has never identified them individually.

The date was to their home in Vegas, where they live with their Mom.  I guess it's possible that their job really is "twins." Doesn't pay much, but the days fly by.

At the house, one of them had a photo of her (ex?) boyfriend.  This show is so real.

In the end Ben decided to get rid of Thing 1 (2?).  I thought it was really mean that he got rid of the one with the thumb injury.  But as the limo pulled away, I noticed that the Thing that he kept also had a thumb injury.  Did I miss the dual thumb injury storyline on the show?  Did the Things pull a switcheroo on Ben?  Only their Mom knows.

Rose Ceremony

At the rose ceremony, Mrs. Wags and I had to put on closed-captioning.  And it's a good thing we did, because we found out that closed-captioning is a little racist.  When Amber spoke, CC attributed her words to GI Jubilee.  ABC can't buy a racial break.

Joining Trump and LB with roses were:

Mom Amanda

Lauren Harbaugh (she withdrew three scholarship offers during this episode...college football joke)

GI Jubilee

Final Thing 

Software Caila

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

Hut Hut Leah

Olivia (Producer's pick at this point)

Goodbye Amber and Unemployed Rachel.  

Until next week (i.e. tomorrow), when Dugan takes over.

Ben the Bachelor Episode 3: Cialis, Women's Soccer, Racism and Selfishness

Yes. You read that correctly. Don't let the sleepy start or the late week blogging fool you. This episode was packed with the good stuff that Fleiss & Co. use to keep us coming back for more. I do apologize for the delay but I would rather give you quality at the expense of expeditiousness. Side not - I will send five US Dollars to the first fan to find "expeditiousness" in a separate Bachelor/ette recap.

This week has three dates, two one-on-ones and a group date. We have stand-out performances from the two one-on-ones - LB (flight attendant) and GI Jubilee - and the favorite turned mean girl, Newscaster Olivia. 

Cialis Date with LB

Ben brings Flight attendant LB up in the air for a bi-plane ride. LB relays that she is concerned about what might happen if the single engine fails. You die, LB. That’s what happens.

The stunt plane portion of the date ends and the Cialis portion begins with a hot tub in a clearing. A Dugan Quote of the Night (hereinafter, “QOTN”) comes from Ben: “Go in the tree and change.”

We are lucky enough to receive the classic Fleiss & Co. spanish guitar while Ben and LB get to business time. Afternoon hot tub time yields to a romantic dinner. Pretty solid date so far. Private plane. Check. Hot tub in a meadow. Check. Candlelit dinner. Check. Private concert with an unknown artist that the Bachelor/ette pretends to be a fan of. Check  mate and Ben gives LB the rose.

Soccer with the USWNT

World Cup Winners Kelley O’Hara and Alex Morgan host Mom Amanda, Thing One, The Russian, Ft. Laudy Jenn, Hut Hut Leah, Amber, Lauren Harbaugh, Newscaster Olivia, Superfecta, Millennial Rachel, Canadian Jami, and Thing 2 in the worst stadium in the United States. I know who I would pick!

USA! USA! USA!

The girls were not the best soccer players. They were about as effective as Liverpool in the Premier League this season. Except they scored goals.

Hut Hut Leah, Amber, Newscaster Olivia, Canadian Jam, Superfecta, and one of the Things move on to a private party after the big win. Canadian Jam is trying to curry favor with the Newscaster by tattling on the girls ripping on her toes.

Amber moved aggressively and secured the rose. But the Newscaster “sees signs” like him leaning on her knee.

Random Episode Highlights

• Mom Amanda and Lauren B gossiping about Newscaster spending 40k on clothes for the show.
• Thing calling out fake boobs, breadth of Newscaster
• Newscaster’s insecurity about calves, cankles (more on this later!)
• I am on #TeamJubilee and #TeamTwins

GI Jubilee v. The Rest of the House

GI Jubilee may be afraid of heights but she leaves in a helicopter with Ben much to the disgust of the women in the house. GI Jubilee has nothing to be embarrassed about having never had caviar. I’m sure it’s not real common fare in Warsaw, Indiana.

Warsaw Gourmet

Ben asks GIJ what her go to food is? HOT DOGS. An automatic favorite has emerged for Mrs. Dugan. She then drops a QOTN with “I’m not playing white boy” while playing shuffleboard.

GIJ and Ben seem to have an honest connection and discuss serious, emotional issues over dinner with GIJ securing a rose.

Veiled Racism Alert. Lauren Harbaugh is worried how GI Jubilee will fit in with the soccer moms that Ben wants his wife to be friends with. Why is that, Miss Harbaugh? 

Rose Ceremony

LB, Amber, GI Jubilee are safe!

Ben walks into the room on a somber note explaining that he has lost two people from his small, tightknit community. Newscaster Olivia immediately grabs him to talk. The viewer is lead to believe that Olivia is going to redeem her poor episode with some empathy/sympathy. Instead, she starts talking about how her life is so hard due to her her cankles, how strong she tries to be, and how it’s the scariest thing ever.

Superfecta Lace decides it’s time to go: “Like my tattoo says, you can’t love someone until you truly love yourself.” QOTN WINNER. In fact, if you begin a sentence with “Like my tattoo says…” YOU AUTOMATICALLY WIN.

When you travel too close to the sun, you burn up. Goodbye sweet, sweet Superfecta.

Who else is safe?

Harbaugh

Mom Amanda

Hugs Becca

Thing 1

Thing 2

Millennial (Rachel)

Software Caila

Trump

Ft. Laudy Jen

Hut Hut Leah

Newscaster Olivia

Buh Bye Canadian Jam and The Russian

Great exit quote from Canadian Jam: “Don’t ever expect anything from Humans”

Newscaster Olivia is still seeing unspoken communication from Ben. It’s these unspoken things that keep her strong during these difficult cankle times. 

She's not strong. She's crazy.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Ben and the Low IQs

I begin this post with an apology and an explanation.  I’m sorry this post is four days late.  You, our fans, deserve better.  To explain, my life is now lived in two hour increments, with 1.25 of those hours accounted for by needy babies.  Such is (new) life.  Most importantly (and maybe most sadly), I had neither whiskey nor ice cream when I watched.  The only one to blame for that is me.  Okay, enough about me.  Let’s move onto what I am calling the least intelligent season yet. 

The episode started off with a rather revealing look at Ben’s personality.  And by “personality,” I mean underpants.  And by “underpants,” I mean "tightie whities."  We’re used to the gratuitous make-me-feel-bad-about-myself abdominal shots, but we got to see some of Ben that should be reserved for the fantasy suites.

Group Date #1: Jackie, LB, Lauren Harbaugh, Hugs Becca, Amber, Portlandia Mandi, GI Jubilee, Ft. Laudy Jennifer, JoJo Trump, Hut Hut Leah, and Superfecta Lace

The first group date was a trip back to high school, creatively titled “Bachelor High.”  C’mon Fleiss and Co.  You can do better.  Harrison College Prep?  Neil Lane School for the Rich and Famous?  Fleiss and Co. School for the Performing Arts? 

Thankfully, Bachelor High is led by Principal Chris Harrison.  He bore a striking resemblance to my favorite high school principal of all time, Richard Belding.  (Apologies to Father Muller if he’s reading this.) 

The date consisted of a series of high school throwback challenges.  First, the ladies had to make a vinegar/baking soda volcano.  Wait a second. This is supposed to be high school.  I’m pretty sure that “experiment” is more second-grade level.  Did I mention this is the least intelligent season ever?

Mrs. Wags thought this high school segment felt like it should be an episode of Double Dare, causing her to long for one of her childhood heroes, Marc Summers.  I nominate Marc Summers to host the Bachelor once Chris Harrison finally signs up to be THE bachelor. 

Superfecta Lace informed the audience that she hated school.  But I’ll bet she loved shaming her peers, being superficial, and dating junior college guys. 

Next, the girls had to put a cutout of the State of Indiana on a map.  Viewers cringed (especially Mrs. Dugan) at the sight of Hugs Becca not only placing Indiana over the state of Pennsylvania, but also placing it sideways.  Double whammy of stupidity. 

Bachelor High ended with Portlandia and Amber competing in a hurdles foot race.  I would have paid top dollar for one of them to fall on their face. 

During the date, Ben said GI Jubilee is “so interesting to him.”  I was very nervous where he was headed next.  This struck me as getting close to complimenting certain athletes for how “articulate” they are.  Thankfully, Ben didn’t say anything that made me want to call the NAACP. 

During the evening portion of the day, JoJo Trump expressed that she was “fustrated” by her lack of time with Ben.  Did I mention this is the dumbest season yet?  Apparently, she had no reason to be fustrated because Ben gave her the date rose.

Solo Date: Software Caila

Caila got the first solo date, and Newcaster Olivia was beside herself.  I love it when contestants like Newscaster feel like they should get every single solo date.  It’s like they’ve never watched a season of this show.  And this show has been on for MANY seasons.

The date started off with Chris Harrison introducing his “friends,” Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.  I LOVE the idea of Chris Harrison hanging out with these guys socially.  I heard Ice Cube is a huge fan of Chris Harrison’s novels.

Ice Cube Book Club

While I have no strong opinion about Kevin Hart, I really enjoyed Ice Cube on this episode.  What’s the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a woman?  “Marry one.”  QOTN nominee. 

Going in the hot tub at the hot tub store reminded me of a great scene from Jackass.

The date was not very interesting because it was just an advertisement for Ride Along 2, and Software Caila is not very interesting.  The date ended with a private concert by Amos Lee and Caila getting a rose.

Group Date #2: Things 1 and 2, Ivan Drago Shushanna, Newscaster Olivia, Mom Amanda, and Lawyer Sam

This date took them to a “scientific” outfit called the Love Lab.  I don’t know how to grammatically put exclamation point on quotation marks, but I would put them near the quotation marks around scientific.  Wearing a lab coat does not make you a scientist.  I have a funny feeling that Love Lab hasn’t published any peer-reviewed journal articles.  Thing 1 and 2 indicated that they don’t know much about science.  Don’t worry ladies, neither do the MDs at the Love Lab. 

I love that Ivan Drago Shushanna knows she hasn’t eaten cabbage in two weeks.  Who’s keeping track of something like that?  She must really like cabbage.  Also, that must mean that she farts a lot.  She’d be my favorite contestant ever if she admitted that to Ben. 

Mom Amanda didn’t have pictures of her kids.  She’s like Juan Pablo, a little too eager to be away from her kids. 

Newscaster Olivia got the rose after scoring the highest on Love Labs compatibility tests. 

Rose Ceremony

Superfecta admitted that she’s been acting crazy for the first two days.  By “two days,” she actually meant 25 years. 

Joining JoJo Trump, Software Caila, and Newscaster Olivia with roses was:

Mom Amanda

GI Jubilee

Lauren Harbaugh

Hut Hut Leah

Hugs Becca

Superfecta

LB (but then LB called timeout and decided to go home…extra rose time!)

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

Thing 1

Canadian Jami

Ivan Drago Shush

Thing 2

Amber

Goodbye JD Sam, Portlandia Mandi, and the woman from San Francisco whose name I can’t remember.

Until next week, with more Dugan and more Chris Harrison.

The Bachelor: Hoosier Daddy Premiere

After the last two Bachelor seasons with Juan Pablo and the Faux Hawk Farmer, we have returned to a classic Bachelor leading man with Ben Higgins from Warsaw, Indiana. I think the ladies were genuinely interested in gentle Ben. As many of our readers will understand, Ben is a Higgins from the Hoosier state and starts with house money from the WWT writers.

I asked Mrs. Dugan where in Indiana it was located and she gave me the same response she has been giving since 2001: South. Very helpful. We both vaguely remembered it, however. Aha! Its on the way between picturesque South Bend and a true gem, Muncie, Indiana.  Over the years, I have probably driven through Warsaw, Indiana no less than 10 times. I remember nothing.

Do you want to know how small Warsaw, Indiana is? The COUNTY its in has 77,000 people! Ok, you have the set up. He's a nice guy from a small town. He was the quarterback for the high school and played on the basketball team and graduated from State U.

Pep Talk

Bachelor Ben follows his McDonalds commercial debut with some Mustang driving to meet up with former Bachelor Farmer Chris, Sean Lowe and Jason Mesnick. Farmer Chris recommends kicking the tires on the contestants while Sean and Jason recommend taking it slow. Ben congratulated Mesnick for keeping it honest to the end. Ummmmm, he switched girls after the final rose?

***Blogging Note: Triple OT in #1 v #2 has not helped me stay focused!***

One of my favorite aspects of the premiere was host Chris Harrison's decision to go retro Regis from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with the dark tie, shirt, suit combo. 

Looking good, Chris

Let's Meet the Women Alphabetically

*tattoo count in parenthesis

• Amanda, 25 (0), an Esthetician (fancy way of saying hairdresser?) from Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 
• Bio Note: Divorced with two kids
• Amber, 30 (0), a Bartender from Chicago, IL
• Bio Note: Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise veteran. Does anyone else in the world list The Lion King and Reservoir Dogs as all-time favorite movies?
• Becca, 26 (2), a Chiropractic Assistant from San Diego, CA
• Bio Note: Bachelor veteran. Formerly a virgin. Still?
• Breanne, 30 (0), a Nutritional Therapist (works at GNC?) from Seattle, WA
• Caila, 24 (1), a Software Sales Rep from Hudson, Oh.      
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: U2 (reminds me of my Dad). Holy shit I am getting too old to blog this shit.
• Emily, 22 (0) and Haley (0) are twins from Las Vegas, NV
• Bio Note: Listed occupation as twins. That’s not an occupation.
• Isabel "Izzy," 24 (0), a Graphic Designer from Branford, CT
• Bio Note: What is your all-time favorite book and why? Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.
• Jackie, 23 (0), a Gerontologist from San Francisco, CA
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Country and Rap. This is an acceptable favorite music now? WTF?
• Jami, 23 (3), a Bartender from St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
• Bio Note: How would you describe yourself as a lover? Inexperienced
• Jennifer, 25 (0), a Small Business Owner from Fort Lauderdale, FL
• Bio Note: Flager College alum, Go Saints!
• Jessica, 23 (1), an Accountant from Boca Raton, FL
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Luke Bryan – great country singer, Kygo – more relaxing music, Lil’ Wayne – best rapper alive. This shit again?
• Joelle "JoJo", 24 (0), a Real Estate Developer from Dallas, TX
• Bio Note: Special talent: I can make a 3-leaf clover with my tongue. Just throwing that out there.
• Jubilee, 24 (?), is a War Veteran from Fort Lauderdale, FL.
• Bio Note: I thank Jubilee for her service, but does War Veteran mean she is now unemployed? She’ll always be a veteran. What does she do now?
• Lace, 25 (2), is a Real Estate Agent from Denver, CO
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Rap, R&B and Country.When will this madness end?
• Laura, 24 (0), is an Account Executive from Louisville, KY
• Bio Note: Allergic to rice?
• Lauren "LB," 23 (1), is a Fashion Buyer from Stillwater, OK
• Bio Note: Wants to be LC.
• Lauren B., 25 (1), a Flight Attendant from Marina Del Rey, CA
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Hip hop/Dance/R&B/Country. Ugh!
• Lauren H., 25 (0), is a Kindergarten Teacher from Hell on Earth.
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Popular/hit list stuff. Also stuff from growing up. 90s stuff. I’M SO OLD.
• Where do you see yourself in five years? Ah, I’ll be 30!! FML. No, FML.
• Lauren R., 26 (0), is a Math Teacher from Houston, TX
• Bio Note: Nothing.
• Leah, 25 (2 in process of being removed), an Event Planner from Denver, CO
• Bio Note: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done Probably twerking on the wall in my dress during my Bachelor interview.
• Maegan, 30 (0), is a Cowgirl from Weatherford, TX
• Bio Note: Favorite Music. Red Dirt Country. WHAT?
• Mandi, 28 (0), a Dentist from Portland, OR
• Bio Note: What would an ex say are your worst attributes? Have a tendency to drink too much. Bring it on.
• Olivia, 23 (0), is a News Anchor from Austin, TX
• Bio Note: Wants to be the Bachelorette.
• Rachel, 23 (0), is unemployed from Little Rock, AR
• Bio Note. Got nothing but I appreciate the honesty on the occupation.
• Samantha, 26 (1), is an Attorney from New Smyrna Beach, FL
• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Graduating Law School in the top 20% of my class. Yeah, but what law school?
• Shushanna, 27 (0), is a Mathematician from Salt Lake City, Utah
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Russian. I like where this is going.
• All-Time Favorite Movies: Fast & Furious. Check that. I love where this is going.
• Tiara, 26 (0) is a Chicken Enthusiast from Redmond, WA
• Bio Note: That’s not a job. Putting “enthusiast” before something does not make it a career.

 It's Limo Time

Readers, don't worry. I know what you are thinking. You want to meet the contestants and get our first go at this season's nicknames. As always, the nicknames are fluid at this point and open to interpretation and change. Fleiss & Co. gave very few vignettes of the ladies in their hometown and gets right to limo action. 

Limo 1

• Lauren B, the flight attendance, gives Ben some wings and is "ready to take off on this journey.” You'll always win me over with puns, ABC writers.
• Caila pulls off the patented run and jump
• Jennifer, the small business owner from Dugan's home of Fort Laudy basically forgot her name
• Jami is Canadian, knows Kaitlyn, and makes a bad, crude joke. New Kaitlyn!
• Lawyer Sam passed the bar
• GI Jubilee offers a weak pick-up line.
• Divorcee Amanda is bringing the heat.
• Lace, aka Superfecta, steals the first kiss. 
• Lauren R. admits to social media stalking Ben
• Shushanna, aka the Russian or Ivan Drago?, only speaks in Russian.
• Leah, Hut Hut Higgy also has a little Erica Rose in her, plays some football with Ben.
• JoJo, aka Trump, is a unicorn real estate developer turned presidential candidate.
• Lauren Harbaugh is an Ann Arbor Kindergarten Teacher
• Laura wants to be called Red Velvet but Mrs. Dugan says "Broke ass Emma Stone" is more appropriate.
• Mandi, aka Portlandia, is a weird dentist with a red rose hat.
• Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the twins and I'm going to have trouble differentiating, 
• Maegan brings a miniature horse and likely did not bring another outfit as she had no chance.

Meanwhile, in the mansion, Canadian Jami is breaking down the crazy..."We got twins, a horse, a girl with a rose hat, a Russian…"

Lace responds: "I’m just here to judge people. I don’t think there’s one girl in here that’s competition. I’m way prettier than all of them.” Ok, We have the mean girl!

The women keep coming!

• Breanne declares Gluten "satan" and breaks bread. 
• Izzy wore pajamas and approached Ben, "I had to find out if you were the ‘onesie’ for me". Boom. 
• Rachel, the honest, unemployed one arrives on a hover board. Can we just call her Millennial since that is what I think of all of them? 
• Jessica, the Boca accountant arrives and does nothing memorable. Sounds like a Boca accountant to me. 
• Tiara, aka Chicken Little, arrives without her furry friends. 
• Lauren, aka LC or Boomer Sooner 
• Jackie shows up and Mrs. Dugan believes this may actually be her first date and she gave a wedding invitation for their future wedding.
• Olivia the News Anchor arrives and Ben turns as stupid as men turn in front of an attractive woman. He asks if her dimples "are natural?" No, Ben, she got fake dimples. 

The women are all accounted for...or are they! Calls his dad and enters the house. Mrs. Dugan wants to know if Ben did this at frat parties while in Bloomington. 

Ben: "Dad, there are so many beautiful women at this party tonight. I think tonight's the night."

Dad: "Good luck, son."

No. This never happened. Ever.

It's getting late and this blog post is too long already. Let's get to the remaining highlights:

• Portlandia interrupts his opening speech 
• News Anchor Olivia tells Ben she left her job to be on the show. 
• The first impression rose enters the party and shit gets real.

• Caila and Ben swap software sales war stories. 
• Things 1 and 2 explain that twins are a "fantasy that everyone has.” Ummm, no. 
• Trump first called herself a real estate developer. Now she calls herself a house flipper? What’s next? Tax deed sale expert? 
• New Limo arrives with former contestants Hugs Becca and Amber. 
• Lace not pleased about Becca being there, cementing her role as this season’s mean girl. Next, Lace gets drunk. She’s the mean and drunk one? Her first nickname was Perfecta. 
• Lace is interrupted with Ben by Portlandia and we get tears. A Trifecta! 
• What other Bachelor Blog uses pari-mutuel betting terms as nicknames? I’m guessing none.
• Lace tells us what she wants to do to Portlandia: “Punch her in the face. Seriously.” That escalated quickly. 
• Ben wants to walk Trifecta off the ledge and she’s mumbling. 
• Lace’s mumbles eventually require subtitles and she complains that Ben isn’t looking her in the eye. That's it, a SUPERFECTA. Mean. Drunk. Crying. Subtitles. A true champion.
• The first impression rose is out and goes to the News Anchor!

Winner!

Rose Ceremony Time

Lauren B. Mrs. Dugan points out that he likes her because she looks like every girl he went to high school with.

LC

Software Caila

Amber

Canadian Jam

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

GI Jubilee

Mom Amanda

Trump

New Erica Rose (Leah, or Hut Hut Higgie?)

Rachel

Lawyer Sam

Save the Date Jackie

Thing 1

Thing 2

The Russian

Lauren Harbaugh

Virgin Becca

Portlandia

Superfecta (Mean girl, Drunk girl, Crying girl, Subtitle girl)

Goodbye Broke Ass Emma Stone. Breanne found out he likes gluten, Chicken Little, Boca Accountant and Onesie.

Until next week when Tim returns and laments the fact that twins have made their first appearance this season.