The Bachelor: Likable Sean Episode 7

While waiting for Mrs. Wags to come over and sit on the couch with me, I watched 5 minutes of The Biggest Loser.  I feel thoroughly depressed, yet also a little bit inspired now.  Strangely, I also feel inspired to eat chocolate ice cream while watching The Bachelor.  Harrison would approve, but probably not Jillian Michaels.

Okay, let's get back to the task at hand.  It's time to do some french kissing on the beach.  Sean started off the show by asking the delicious question, "How often do you get to fly into St. Croix in a sea plane?"  The answer is obviously never, but I wish it was every day.

Solo Date #1: AshLee Top 3

After AshLee got the date card, the Tierrorist dropped a dirty bomb and called AshLee a cougar because AshLee is 32.  As a fellow 32 year-old, I'm offended on AshLee's behalf.

But don't worry AshLee fans, Sean says he has seen her "vulnerability and her strength."  (ABC production side-note: As Sean said that quote, the cameras were directly on AshLee's bikini butt).

Back at the hotel, the other girls can't get over that Tierrable is sleeping on a cot.  How could Sean ever choose a girl that sleeps on a cot!?

Unfortunately, back on the date, AshLee was also talking about Tierrable.  AshLee said that Tierrable is a "pouty pants."



At the beachfront tiki torch dinner, AshLee said she has the dreaded "one more thing to tell Sean before the hometown dates."  We paused the show to make guesses.  I think she was married before.  Mrs. Wags guesses that she's Christian (WEAK! SO OBVIOUS!).

And the answer was: I'm right!  (But Mrs. Wags probably was too).  She was married.  The real scandal was that she got married her junior year and was divorced by her senior year.

AshLee, attempting to solidify her nickname, screamed that she loves Sean.  Per ABC rules, Sean merely replied, "I know."  Ladies and Gentlemen, television does not get much more romantic than that.

Solo Date #2: Tierrable 

Tierrable started off her date with Sean trying the street foods of St. Croix.  If you eat too much street food in St. Croix, you need to watch out for Raja Bell's Revenge

Sean confronted Tierra about her reputation in the house, igniting an emotional powder keg for later in the episode.  Watch out trash-talking bachelorettes, the Tierrorist is going to be on the loose.

Later in the (boring) date, Tierrable said she's falling in love with Sean.  Sean, in another ABC required response said, "I've had so much fun today."  Nothing like an unnatural response to a fake sentiment to make a relationship appear real.

Group Date: Lennay Kekua, Say Yes to the Des, and Lindsay

Before the group date began, Sean snuck into the ladies' rooms at 4 am to take pictures of the girls without makeup.  Amazingly, this seems information a guy in his position might want to know.  Cheers to you, Likable Sean.

After the unwelcome surprise, Sean took the three ladies out to see the sunrise.  After that predictably lovely sight, Sean proved that he has learned a few things about manual transmissions by driving the ladies around the rural island of St. Croix.  Jeep paid Super Bowl style money to sponsor this date.

On the beach portion of the date, Sean said he never thought he would fall for the girl that wore the wedding dress on the first night (Lindsay).  Surprisingly, Sean actually does seem really into her.  Maybe he has a thing for foot and wrist tattoos.

Lennay Kekua buzz-killed the date by talking about her dad's suicide attempt.  I'm not willing to buzz-kill the blog by discussing it further, but I felt that you, our valued reader, needed to know.

Say Yes to the Des cried about how much she loves her family.  And then she cried some more.  And then she cried about it.  Boo hoo.

The only date rose of the night went to Lindsay.  We get to meet crazy Lindsay's crazy family.

Solo Date #3: Lesley Abramoff

The date card said that Sean hopes their relationship can stand the test of time.  How cool would it be if Sean had arranged a time-travel date?  (Blog author nerd alert).

The date took them to a ruined fruit factory.  (It may also have been a "roof" or "root" factory.  We couldn't hear it clearly).  Frankly, none of those three types of factories makes any sense.

Lesley Abramoff was on the verge of telling a family secret, but could not pull the trigger.  A potential hometown date scandal?  Yes please.

Sister Shay

Sean's sister visited St. Croix.  She asked Sean if he could narrow it down to one or two girls.  Sean said, "I could see myself marrying all six."  Though ABC obviously makes Sean say this, we are getting into the territory of things-Sean-said-during-the-show-that-are-majorly-detrimental-to-a-post-TV-real-relationship.  Shay, a Bachelor genius and hopefully a future blog contributor, tells Sean that he should beware of girls that cause drama in the house.

Tierrable vs. AshLee Top 3

AshLee got real on Tierrable and said that Tierra changes when Sean comes around.  Tierra replied, "men love me."  AshLee said that she'd had enough of Tierra's stares and "raised eyebrows."  Using the overly defensive logic of a 1st grader, Tierra yelled, "I can't control my eyebrow!"  Botox has that effect.

Sean then consoled Tierra by telling her that he's been crazy about her since the first night and that he really cares about her....and therefore he's sending her home.  Not the most logical thought process, but the right choice nonetheless.

Tierrable left in the van crying and blaming the other women all the way.  What a wonderful set up for the Bachelor reunion episode.

Rose Ceremony

Sean, confident in his decision tonight, does not need a cocktail party.  Sorry ladies, no free chardonnay this evening.

In addition to visiting Lindsay's hometown, we will also being headed to the hometowns of Say Yes to the Des, Lennay Kekua (she exists!), and Ashlee Top 3 (the nickname is alive, but so is the crazy).

Sadly, goodbye to Lesley Abramoff.  She was one of the more likable contestants in recent memory, and maybe a dark horse for next Bachelorette.

Weird moment of the night: Lennay sobbed about Lesley leaving because Lesley has more in common with Sean than she does.  If Lennay really feels that way, why is she still on The Bachelor, ABC's hit reality search for true love?

Until next week, in hometowns all around the USA.

The Bachelor, Episode VI: Jake explains the meaning of life.

It's hometown date time and the Boss explains it best.



We have had some memorable hometown dates in recent years, most likely topped by the bird burial at Naomi's house, followed by Mellisa's parents' lack of interest in meeting Jason. And its where America fell in love with a Canadian, Jillian.  As Jake talked about the importance of the hometown dates while packing, the camera panned out and showed Jake in shorts walking down the hallway of the hotel. As, fans of Coach Schnellenberger know, the knees are a man's vagina and should only be shown when a man means business. So let's get to business.

OctoJolie in the Big Apple

Gia takes Jake on a cruise around the city and they quickly discuss her insecurities - which is becoming a broken record.  Mrs. Dugan's magazines explains she is used to dating major league baseball and hockey athletes, so her security level with Jake should be at an all time high. As Octo goes on and on about her ex's, Jake begins to grow uncomfortable as he realizes he could be walking into a Sopranos style family dinner.  Luckily, only Dr. Melfi showed up to play Donna, Octo's mom.

And a reject from the Jersey Shore was there to play step-brother Erick.  He explains his sister will not get hurt again and doesn't want to "hunt you down and break a few legs..."  As the dinner table chuckles, Erick continues creepily, "and that's fine that you laugh."  How did this guy not get on the Shore???  The date ends with Mom taking the Octo aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.

Ali in Mass


Ali welcomes Jake to Massachusetts on a picturesque fall day.  The camera crew obsesses with shots of benches while Ali talks about childhood memories of catching falling leaves.  Jake comes to the rescue and shakes the fuck out of a tree limb so she can catch a leaf.  Ali begrudgingly plays along making a wish for her prince charming once she is the Bachelorette.  Then we find out that Ali's last name is Bates and she shared a quaint home with her mother-like figure who has passed.  Then produces pan up and show the home.

So, we know this episode should end well for Ali and Jake.  Jake thanks her for the intimate evening and the Dugan household and guests (Allyson and Erik) have a short discussion on the difference of the word "intimate" between the Bachelor and Jersey Shore.  Ali brings Jake back to her mom to meet the family and Jake asks Ali's mom for her daughter's hand in marriage. She consents.

Then, the moment of the episode happened.  Each episode has a classic moment and it happened when Ali and Jake had a romantic setting outside her home.  Ali looks good and is showing a little skin whereas Jake is wrapped up in a ridiculous scarf and gloves.  He looks ready to run the Iditarod.  They decide to passionately kiss and Jake takes time to remove his gloves so he can grab Ali's face. Cut to one of them talking about the special moment.  Cut back and Jake has his gloves back on.  So........they are going at it and Jake complains about cold hands and takes a timeout to get his gloves back on?  A classic.  The date ends with Mom taking Ali aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.

Tenley in Oregon

As my friend Erik is watching his first episode of the Bachelor, he asks "Does ABC make them run at each other?"  I don't know and I don't care, but I do love the awkwardness.  Jake still has his scarf wrapped tight from Ali's date.  They have a nice chat about who will be wearing the pants in the family and then Katie Morgan wants to dance for Jake.  I tried to get a picture of Katie Morgan to show the blog faithful how much she looks like Tenley, and while google image searches for Katie Morgan can produce interesting results, I did not feel they were blog appropriate.  Jake is not only Patrick Bateman.  He is not only the kid from Big.  He is also Mike Newhouse from Dazed and Confused.

And Tenley let's him explore his inner dancer as she performs a routine to a wedding march song.  Hint hint.  Tenley's family was understandably concerned with her rough year and it was on this hometown date where I became convinced that ABC uses cue cards for the family to read from.  Jake asked Robert for his daughter's hand in marriage even though Katie's mom said that Katie was prone to "emotional spillovers." Those sound fun to deal with. The date ends with Mom taking Katie aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.

Vienna in Florida

Vienna and Jake stroll through a lovely swamp like setting the night after the Super Bowl showed Florida in all its glitz and glamor glory.  Thank you, ABC, from the Chamber of Commerce.  Despite what looked like a great set up, it was a pretty ho-hum hometown for Vienna explaining "this time I get married, I'm gonna take it seriously."  The family defends Vienna against the other jealous girls and dad explains that with Vienna, "the kids will be raised right."  That's odd.  I feel the exact opposite about Vienna's potential parenting skills than her father. The date ends with Dad taking Vienna aside and explaining that he has a good feeling about the two of them.

Back in LA

All blog faithful know that Ali has to make her exit to prepare for the Bachelorette.  She has to go out on gut-wrenching terms to have America root for her next season. With that being said, she has to make the E.D. choice of work or love.  Since she's clearly not in love, it was an easy choice.  But she tried to sell it as best she could.  I theorized that Ali works at a Subway sandwich shop and they were going to cut her lunch hours which make the best tips.  She couldn't chance that to try for love with Jake.  

Jake tries his best - which wasn't very good.  He explains that "life is about minimizing your regrets."  It is? That is the meaning of life?!!?!  I was hoping for something so profound and for it to come from someone other than Jake Pavelka.  He continues that he will not guarantee a ring but pleads "take a chance on me." Now everybody all together now...

Blog guest Allyson points out that Ali is already in work clothes but I didn't notice the Five Dollar Footlong apron.  Jake sticks his foot in his mouth with "whatever you decide is ok."  No, it's not.  Because Ali was the best girl left.  Now you are left with Hooters waitress Vienna, jock sniffer OctoJolie, and "dancer" Katie Morgan.

The rose ceremony was cancelled and we didn't get Dugan's favorite line from Chris Harrison.  Next week, Wags picks us up in the Caribbean for some overnight action.