The Bachelor Episode 3: Technical Difficulties Edition

It's 8:34pm eastern. Dugan walks downstairs after reading Chapter 22 of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with the oldest lil' Dugan. I click on the DVR and see we have a recording fail. We have missed the first 34 minutes of the show! Oh no! North Cackalacky is crying. Why? Does it involve her pageant rival Hannah Alabama? OF COURSE IT DOES! Will I be able to blog even though I missed the first 30 minutes? OF COURSE I WILL!

Tale as old as time

True as it can be

Barely even friends

Then somebody gets a crown

Unexpectedly

Just a little change

Small to say the least

Both a little scared

Neither one prepared

Cackalacky & Bama will make you say "oh jeez"

I was a little Beauty and the Beast inspired because it truly is a Bachelor/ette tale as old as time: "If you like her, you can't like me." This one adds another layer because usually the girls are more different. In this version, North Cackalacky and Hannah Alabama are two sides of the same coin. Brunette Beauty Pageant Belles. 

But Brunette

AK Elyse in San Diego

I really like AK Elyse' nickname. I don't remember if it references AK-47s, Alaska or Arkansas. It's fun. 

Is anything interesting going to happen on this date? Unlikely. AK Elyse is concerned about their age difference of 6 years. I don't feel age difference is a big deal once you are out of school. I don't think a 31 and 25 year old are incompatible. But imagine a 3L dating a college freshman. Same age difference and it would have been HILARIOUS! Is it the 18 to 24? Or the school part? 

They spend the day in Belmont Park with kids, lots of screaming kids. One of the kids has kissed a boy, giving her more experience than Sixpence. AK tells a tragic story of her sister dying of cancer and secures the rose. You can't tell a dead sister cancer story and get cut. It's simply not permitted and I respect Fleiss & Co for that. However, you flip the scrip once and you'll really make people lose their damn minds. Just think about it.

But, it's not just a rose that AK gets. But a TeniIle Arts concert! I googled but there is no information available about this artist. 

“Every strong man needs a stronger woman” Group Date with Tayshe, Mina, Brightlight Catherine, Dancer Sidney Nigerian Nightmare, Teacher Cassie, Camila Cabella and Toronto Catlin

Terry and Rebecca Crews welcome the ladies to a group date where they will compete for Colton in various strength competitions. They say that Rebecca Crews is an actress. Are you an actress if you always play yourself? Am I an actor? What more is involved here?

Some strong woman competition highlights.

• Brightline is a martial arts expert.
• Dancer Sidney can stretch like you would expect a dancer to be able to stretch. Not that I noticed.
• Mrs. Dugan's question: “What is Terry Crews in?” Dugan replied, “Old Spice commercials?”
• Camila Cabella is not going to fare well. It appears she went on the South Beach diet to get ready for the show.
• Nigerian Nightmare doing Christian Okeye proud.

The others didn't stand a chance.

One of the girls gives the quote of the night: “White chicks is one of my favorite movies.” We need to get prop bets for the Bachelor. I would have taken 1000-1 odds this would have been said this season in a prop bet. For the record, that quote was not meant to be ironic. 

In the post date nightcap, Canadian Caitlin gets the mid-date exit. This always comes to mind with the harsh exits.

Cocktail Party - No. Pool, Drama, and Roses - Yes.

Colton plays in the pool like he's 15, not 25. Knocking girls off rafts and cannonballs? Maybe 10, not 15. However, no one is paying attention to the child in the pool because Fleiss & Co. have a simmering princess fight to film. 

Hannah Alabama is very straightforward: "There’s a beautiful monster inside of me…there’s a tank of rage…and it’s full…GROWL”

Miss Northcakalacka brings some serious heat. Basically, she says they were friends until North Cackalacka started dominating the pageant circuit and Hannah Alabama couldn't take it. I could go into detail about the charges each lay on the other, but this gif makes a long story, short. 

North Cackalacka v. Hannah Alabama

To the Roses.

North Cackalacka has one (I missed the first 34 minutes, should have guessed thats what sent H.A. over the edge)

Camila Cabella

AK Elise

The other Hannah

Tayshea

Dancer Caitlynn

Teacher Cassie

Kurza

Dancer Sydney

Demi

Crazy Tracy

Ga Peace Courtney

Sixpence Heather

Nigerian Nightmare

Hannah Alabama

Goodbye Outback and Brightline and Nina. We lost two of my favorite nicknames. Adieu, ladies. Until next week when Tim will likely record and blog about the entire show.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Did You Hear This Guy is a Virgin?

First, I scooped the ice cream, and then I got the whiskey.  The routine felt familiar for a Bachelor Monday.  It was dark, rainy, and cold outside as I sat down on the couch.  I nervously turned on the TV, not sure if I was ready to face the reality of the information I was about to learn.  One question was in my mind and needed to be answered: Is this episode of the Bachelor two hours or three hours long?  And then I looked at the TV....and it was like Chris Harrison answered all my prayers and made this episode only two hours!

Now that I know I will have a decent bedtime, let's get on with the show...

The episode kicked off with Colton filming himself in bed naked.  He was basically interviewing himself.  I will not stand for this further marginalization of Chris Harrison.  Harrison asks the questions here!

Free Chris

Group Date #1: Demi, Outback Bri, Crazy Tracy, AK Elyse, Hannah G Thang, Onyeka, Brightline Catherine, Camila Nicole

The date started at a theater with hilarious husband and wife duo Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman.  You might remember him from his Christmas Yule Log and her from Mad About You.  Most importantly, Nick Offerman is currently a bald and obviously despises the people on this show as much as we do!  "Maybe Colton could give me some tips in the dumbell department."  Pun intended.  

All the girls had to tell a story about their first time doing different things.  

Colton told a story about how a veteran football player asked him, in the locker room, how many women he'd slept with.  For a guy that only played on NFL practice squads for a brief stints (see Dugan's research last week), this seems like a rather personal question.  Or maybe the story is made up.  Yeah, that could be it.  

All of the stories were pretty boring, except Crazy Tracy told a story about beating up her Sorority sister to get to sleep with some guy that was a virgin.  

At night, they went to a swanky LA Club (i.e. a black leather couch on the 39th floor of an LA office building with cool views).  

Demi broke all the rules and touched the group date rose.  This was against the rules.  It was so against the rules that it made Crazy Tracy "sick to her stomach."  This show makes these contestants in-----sane!

Every time Colton talks about sex/intimacy, I can only think of this:

Demi, the youngest of all the young blondes, wisely points out that there is no advantage to being old on this show.  I can't believe I referred to Demi as wise, but she seems to understand Colton.  Prediction: One of the young blondes is winning this show.  

When did Bri lose the fake Australian accent?  I missed the big reveal.  Did Colton also miss the big reveal?

Nicole Cabela said her autistic twin brother is her "everything."  You're likely to lose Carl with statements like that.

AK Elyse, the old lady, got the group date rose.    

Solo Date: Hannah Alabama

Hannah Alabama must have more teeth than the average human.

Back at the house, Miss North Clackalacka admitted that she knows Hannah Bama from the pageant circuit.  And you'll never believe this, but it turns out Hannah Bama is a fake and is not honest about who she really is.  We may have a future fight on our hands.  Roll Tide.

Hannah Bama proposed a toast to "Roll Tide."  It must be great to be an Alabama fan (most of the time).

The conversation wasn't going well, so Colton suggested getting in the hot tub.  They were not getting along well and the conversation was strained, but Colton cannot stand to lose a young blonde this early in the show.

During the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said she's not good at expressing her emotions.  I think she meant to say, "I'm not good at putting complete sentences together."

As predicted, Colton's not about to get rid of blondes in the 18-24 demo, thus Bama got the date rose.

Group Date #2: Paw Patrol Alex, Erica, Dancer Katie, Miss North Klack, Knicks Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Courtney, Caitlin Cyrus, Cassie, and Sixpence Heather.

The group date was at a summer camp that looked like it was a family camp in the Catskills.

Any Mrs. Maisel fans out there!?

They had a wheelbarrow race to determine which team of girls got to hang out with Colton at night.  One of the teams won.  I was too busy trying to find a picture of the Steiner Family Camp to see who won.  

Sixpence Heather (great 90s reference Dugan) admitted that she is not only a virgin, but she also has never been kissed.  He almost kissed her, but they just had some intense hand holding instead.  This could be the most tame fantasy suite season ever. 

The date rose went to Sixpence, beneath the milky twilight.

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Demi came out in a robe and took Colton upstairs.  As she took Colton upstairs, Miss Clackalacka delivered the QOTN: "Does she even have parents?"  

Joining AK Elyse, Hannah Bama, and Sixpence with roses was:

Tayshia
Teacher Cassie
Caitlin
Courtney
Demi
Nicole Cabella
Kirpa
Hannah G Thang
Brightline Catherine
Outback Bri
Knicks Sydney
Onyeka
Dancer Katie
Caitlin Cyrus
Nina
Producer Pick: Crazy Tracy

Goodbye Angelique, Annie (a young blonde bites the dust), and Paw Patrol Alex.

Until next week, with more virgin jokes and even more Dugan...