We begin the episode with a review of the Bentley drama which will be discussed ad nauseum through the show. Harrison tells the boys to pack their bags as a change in scenery is needed. The Dental Student and her gaggle of men are heading to Phuket, Thailand for two One-on-ones and a Group Date. As for our introduction to Thailand, I cannot be the only one who thought that first women was going to give Ashley a manicure. Turns out she was the concierge and helped Ashley plan her dates during what appeared to be monsoon season in Fuck It.
Greek Groban and the Manny Pacquiao Boat Captain
After Pacquiao cancels the boat outing for Ashley and Greek Groban, this is what happened next:
Ok, full disclosure, Dugan couldn't pay attention to the discussions between Greek Groban and Ashley as it bored me to tears. I actually read this article, seriously, on the status of local drought conditions. The only redeeming part of the date is the very practical and wise advice received from this guy:
When asked for the secret to his long marriage, Long Duck Dong told them to forgive and forget and not to try and win in the relationship. Please be aware that no platitudes offered by Fleiss & Co. will match this advice for this or any season of the show. Despite my boredom, Greek Groban thought the day was fun and Ashley said, "today was perfect." A late night ocean romp secures the Rose and you could say Greek Groban raised Ashley up.
Group Date brings a Tsunami of Help to Thailand
The rest of the men (Winemaker Ben, Cupcake, the only Dentist on the show, Mickey, Adam West, LL Ben, Nick, Lucas Oil, Cell Phone Bill and Solar Ryan try to make the world a better place sprucing up an orphanage in Thailand. The men did a great job painting and supplying the kids with much needed lacrosse nets. Solar Ryan is becoming the Vienna of this season - the frontrunner that is wearing on everyone's patience. Ashley is concerned that the guys are paying too much attention to their service work and not enough to her. This truly highlights her amazing lack of depth and self-esteem. Winemaker Ben draws a mural of an elephant and secures the rose.
El Douche and the Dental Student
Ames starts the date with a long distance jog after Ashley waves - showing the producers are putting in the time with him. I wanted to dislike El Douche but this date rehabilitated him in Dugan's eyes. And El Douche (sorry, but the nickname stays) had the always important Dugan Quote of the night. Standing on the front of the boat, Ashley offered, "I feel like we're on the Titanic." Ames quickly responded, "Let's hope not." ZINGGGGGGGGG. Moonwalk. Moonwalk. Moonwalk. See below for Ashley's dream and Ames' nightmare.
Ames led a very cool kayaking trip and continued to rehab his image for this WWT writer. I think I was falling for Ames by the end of the date. Ashley was similarly convinced and offered Ames the rose.
Rose Ceremony Bullet Points
West shows up for some one-on-one time late in the episode and Ashley fears she can't replace his deceased wife. Ouch - how do you answer that one?
Lucas Oil reveals he was previously married . . . to a woman!
Solar Ryan as Vienna continues, and the only Dentist on the show tells him to his face
Solar Ryan explains that he is always happy because our soldiers are overseas taking mortar shots. Solar Ryan will now be renamed Non Sequitor Ryan.
Solar Ryan is not too happy, he's "bursting with a lot of love in his chest." Ok, sweet. Makes perfect sense.
Greek Groban, Winemaker Ben and El Douche are safe.
Harrison and Ashley discuss the need for an extra rose as she has only one sure-fire exit worthy man.
And the roses go to . . .
Lucas Oil, Solar Ryan, Cupcake, Nick, Mickey, Dentist, Cell Phone Bill and LL Ben.
In Ashley's final ruling, West was dismissed with prejudice.
After a quick preview of the pain that is on the way, the show started off with "Harrison" telling the guys the schedule of the episode. (I got a little jealous when they called him by his last name...I feel like our blog's relationship with @chrisbharrison goes back way further than these guys) 1st one-on-one date: LL Ben
The date started off with some more dancing. Needless to say, the date started off with a practice session to get ready for a flash mob. Because Ashley is a dancer, right??? Force it on me Fleiss. I'm ready.
The date progressed to the "flash mob" in a public park. They keep talking about a flash mob like we've all heard of it. I know what a sideshow is. I know what ghost riding the whip is. Never really heard of a flash mob though. It was supposed to be a prank on strangers, but it turned out to be a prank on LL Ben. After being "flashed" LL Ben realized that Ashley could be the one. He also said that this was the most amazing first date ever. LL Ben is doing a terrible disservice to lawyers by furthering our reputation as liars. LL Ben, in a wrinkle-free pink shirt, used the word emoticon in conversation. I heard AIM was a client of his down in Louisiana.
LL Ben got a rose, but I predict he won't last much longer.
Group Date: El Douche, Sonoma Ben, Dentist Blake, Batman, Lucas Oil, Nick, Cell Phone Bill, Bentley, and Chicago Chris
Before the group date started, the Phantom of the Opera music hinted that Batman wanted to take off his mask and show the real Jeff. I was shaking with excitement to see what was underneath the mask. Turns out it's just an old dude with crazy eyes.
The date was at LA's famous comedy store. ABC set up Ashley to get roasted with the help of Jeff Ross. Only Solar Ryan seems to get that there is a line that shouldn't be crossed in this thing.
Lucas Oil started off okay with a joke about El Douche's forehead. Solar Ryan bombed. Dentist Blake did a great job. Batman, thinking he was funny, started by ripping on her flat chest...OUCH. But I forgive Batman because Ashley's a dancer, remember?
Cell Phone Bill, having previously professed his desire to leave the cell phone biz for comedy, got ruthless. He called her "used." Then he said he wished she was "Emily or Chantal." Ashley could not handle Cell Phone's roasting abilities and was reduced to tears. Cell Phone Bill stupidly commented directly on the subjects of all of Ashley's post-Womack therapy sessions.
While crying in the corner, Bentley said that he wanted to comfort her so he could "mess with her head a little" and stop her crying because "crying girls are ugly." Ashley, proving that she has the common sense of a brick, is really into Bentley because he is so genuine and comforting.
Cell Phone Bill thought he would make everything okay by offering to leave the show. Ashley sure did not protest much so Cell Phone left the building and apparently walked all the way to Compton.
The guys all got a chance to comfort Ashley. Batman said he has a 3-legged dog...clank. Chicago Chris said that he thinks she's great...brick. Solar Ryan said he's here for her and she's gorgeous...SWISH.
Ashley decided that the date was going so poorly that she wanted to continue the crappy-date theme and confront Bentley about the intelligence she has on him. Big reveal: the informant is none-other than Michelle "CEMII" Money. When confronted, Bentley blamed CEMII, pointing out that CEMII is crazy. Bentley then said he's there for her and not his miniature golf empire. This ploy worked pretty well, but Solar Ryan still took the date rose.
While Ashley was mentally preparing to head to Salt Lake City to meet Bentley's family on a hometown date, Bentley was packing his bags to go home. But wait wait wait. He needed to say goodbye to Ashley before he left.
Bentley really said this stuff:
"Heartbreak is worse than any illness." "I wish it was Emily. Ashley is ugly." "That's a trip dude. It's in my head. I need to go poop it out." "I'm not feeling it for Ashley at all." "My daughter is wondering where Daddy is, that's too tough for me." "I started to tear up a bit. Like a little water. She consoled me." "It's just a lot of crying. A lot of crying. It's annoying to hold a girl that's crying and crying and crying." "I kissed her neck a bunch." "She wrapped her legs around me. We were in a great position to start something." "I talked to her like a girl I'm really interested in. Except I'm not into her." "Even though I'm going home, I want to keep the dot-dot-dot there. Dot-dot-dot is better than a period." "I'm definitely done on the Ashley front." "Definitely the type of girl I would totally hook up with." "Things could have turned out differently if the Bachelorette was Emily."
After this was all over, Ashley threw a Mesnick-level fit. She sobbed, sniffled, and talked to herself.
Ashley said that Bentley's exit scared her into thinking that this process might not work. Hey Ashley, I think the track record of previous Bachelor relationships should be an indication that the "process" might not work.
2nd one-on-one date: Cupcake
Cupcake showed up with flowers and his favorite muscle shirt. They had a boring at-home night. Though they didn't get to skydive, walk on the roof of the Staples Center, or eat dinner in Wolfgang Puck's kitchen, these casual pajama dates always seem to get the contestant far in the show. We will likely be seeing more of Cupcake. Cupcake got a rose and a fireplace makeout session.
Rose CeremonySans Cocktails
A loyal reader, co-worker, Notre Dame grad, and resident of Alameda pointed out that this Bentley situation created an interesting moral conundrum for Chris Harrison: why didn't he intervene earlier? Chris Harrison intervened in the Roslyn-hooking-up-with-a-producer scandal. So what makes Bentley non-interveneable? WWT Ombudswoman Liz answers that a lot of people aren't there for the right reasons. This is what drives the show. The ability of the Bachelorette or Bachelor to figure it out is part of the game. On the other hand, Roslyn created a liability issue. As LL Ben would point out (and what Liz actually said), Roslyn "pierced the corporate veil."
Additional roses went to Greek Groban, West, Kissy Nicky, Sonoma Ben, Dentist Blake, Nick, El Douche (nice metro military outfit douche), Lucas Oil, Cell Phone Bill
Turns out that Batman's seizures, mask, and three-legged dog didn't cut it. Also going home was Chicago Chris. If you remember from earlier in the post, these were the two clowns that couldn't properly comfort her after the Cell Phone Bill fiasco.
Until next week with elephants, caves, and man claws.
The summary of last night's episode of the Bachelorette will be on a 24-hour delay because Dugan and I had other commitments last night. If you're curious why I could not get my act together, please watch Sportscenter and check which baseball game went 4 hours and 29 minutes last night.
Please be patient, and if you see either of us around today, just let us know if there were any midriff shirts.
Friends, Family, Countrymen, I hope you realize why this blog exists. We love the show! #Duh #Watching. But the little things are what keeps us coming back. Like Fleiss & Co. slipping in some stock footage of a private jet to make the audience think the guys are living the high life to Vegas. Check again.
So the guys clearly are getting on a Southwest plane. Shows footage of them inside the familiar blue/tan seats with other passengers. Then . . . some stock footage of an unrelated plane.
Now that the first cocktail party is done, we can move onto the date portion of the show. Batman is still wearing his costume. He's also drinking coffee with the guys. Wearing a mask seems even more awkward while drinking your morning coffee. Do you think he walks his dog with a mask on?
1st One-on-One Date: Cell Phone Bill
Cell Phone Bill got the first date to Vegas. Cell Phone Bill and Ashley drive their Maserati over to the private Concorde jet. They both agree that they like driving. The conversation could be going better.
Back at the house, El Douche calls out Batman for wearing the mask. El Douche, using his Ivy League IQ, points out that a white mask would make more sense in 90 degree weather.
Cut back to Vegas. The date continues with wedding cake tasting. I figured they were probably headed next to an adoption agency after a quick marriage counseling session. After trying on engagement rings and heading to the Chapel, Cell Phone Bill got really nervous/hopeful that it might be a real wedding. The bad news for Cell Phone is that Fleiss and Co. would never make a mock wedding with a contestant that actually has a chance.
To cap off the date, Cell Phone Bill and Ashley ate a private dinner on the water of the Bellagio. Cell Phone Bill states that he isn't a lawyer and doesn't save lives, but he does "bring communication to people." That's a glass is half full attitude. Way to sell it Bill.
Cell Phone Bill got a rose after revealing his dad's alcohol-related death. From a strategic standpoint, he played that card too early. Am I going to hell for saying that?
Group Date: Greek Groban, Ryan, Chicago Chris, Winemaker Ben, Nick, Bentley, Lucas Oil, Hairdresser Stephen, Dunder-Mifflin Matt, Dentist Blake, West and El Douche
The first group date started off with Ashley in a midriff shirt. I guess we better get used to that look.
I was pretty excited to see the Jabbawockeez. So were the guys. They were so excited that they missed Ashley's covert exit. She got on stage and really didn't dance much. Is she actually a dancer or are Fleiss and Co. forcing that on us too?
Ashley divided the guys into two groups. They had to do a dance off to win more time with Ashley. The guys seem to think that if they keep repeating the phrase "I don't want to go back to LA," they can will themselves to win. That worked for Dorothy, but it won't work for these clowns.
Team Arrogant, featuring West and Bentley, won the opportunity to dance more and wear wetsuits in front of thousands of people in Vegas. Given the choice, I'd prefer dinner on the Bellagio water.
West, the attorney, jumped the gun and revealed that his wife died under mysterious circumstances. West did not reveal the details of her drowning. This seems increasingly mysterious. Am I going to hell for saying this?
Bentley, channeling Wes/CEMII, said that he just wants Ashley to "tickle his pickle." They bleeped out pickle. The CEO of Vlasic has already fired off an angry email to Chris Harrison.
On second thought, pickles probably should be bleeped after seeing the above picture.
2nd One-on-One: Coin Flip Goes to Kissie Mickey
The final date was decided by a coin flip. The coin had Kissie Mickey's face on one side and Cupcake's face on the other. HOW DO I GET A COIN WITH LIZ'S FACE ON IT??? (Don't tell her I asked...maybe I'll get it for her for her 28th birthday in a couple months.)
They took the coin flip theme to the Nth degree by flipping a coin for what conversations to have, what wine to drink, and which foot to put forward first.
Once again, a contestant plays the intimate detail card very early, as Kissie Mickey says his mother passed away. He'll get a rose for it, but he better not bring it up again. Am I going to hell for saying that?
After Kissie got the rose, ColbieCaillatpeformed a private show for them. Kissie seemed way too excited. It might have been a lot cooler if I didn't know that Caillat had performed at happy hour at a famous Cupertino-based company last week. It rhymes with Snapple.
Rose Ceremony
Cell Phone Bill, feeling quite overconfident with a rose and a bad George Bush impression, made the cardinal sin of stealing rose ceremony time while already having a rose. Cell Phone Bill just put the proverbial target on his back.
Batman took his turn at the big reveal. The Caped Crusader revealed that he is divorced, has seizures, and was cheated on. As Batman was ready to take the mask off, some random named Matt swooped in and interrupted. Batman owes Matt because Fleiss and Co. will now have to keep Batman around another week. Bentley complicated things by saying that he would rather "swim in pee" than be with Ashley. Is this what he meant?
The remaining roses went to West, Greek Groban, Solar Ryan, LL Ben, Nick, El Douche, Lucas Oil, Cupcake, Chicago Chris, Winemaker Ben, and Dentist Blake.
Goodbyes are in order to the Hairdresser, DunderMifflin Matt, and the other Ryan.
Until next week, when Ashley continues to be confident that her husband is in this room.
And . . . they're off!!! It feels great to be back in the midst of another Bachelor/ette season. I need to provide a few disclaimers: i) I apologize for the length of this post, ii) Dugan is blogging from the viewpoint of Bentley as he is not a big Ashley fan. Neither her looks nor her story interest me. As such, it's up to Fleiss & Co. to build an entertaining cast around our Dental Student. And as faithful followers, we should never doubt Fleiss & Co. ability to sprinkle their magic TV dust - also known as mixing deep personality disorders with copious amounts of alcohol and little to no minority participation. (FYI, Fleiss & Co., you pitched a shutout this year to minorities.)
Ashley opens the episode admitting she questioned the show's premise, not believing she would fall in love with Brad last season. She comes strong with a foreboding and early favorite for quote of the night: "I spent a lot of time fighting in my own head." (Private message to the men on Ashley's season: RUN!!!)The Dentist turned Dental Student turned Dancer (odd since no one associates Ashley with Ds) provided the required cliches to begin the season:
"heart on the line"
"not holding anything back"
"feels like a fairytale"
We also learn the season's recurring dramatic theme: Ashley is not Emily. Ashley fears the men wanted Emily. Ashley needs a little pick me up. Here is WWT's Ashley Theme Music:
"My Future is Wide Open and So is My . . . Heart."
Damn, Ashley could have gone so many places with that, but we'll take "heart" and the men's intros. They focus on a handful of guys before the limos arrive:
Ryan, from California, has a solar energy business
JP works in construction management in New York and is sick of the Manhattan dating scene
Ames is in finance and likes to attend Ivy League Schools
Ben looks like Kovacs and is a Louisiana Lawyer
Winemaker Ben has his own Daddy Issues
Bentley ("WB") is a divorced dad and wannabe Wes (Ok, fans, its early. I get it. The nicknames will eventually fall into place with more episodes and your help).
Bentley, the name, is the most popular trending name in the United States. Thank you, MTV and Maci, which is the most popular trending female name. Our future is fucked and it is not Washington D.C.'s fault, people. It's ours. Naming your son "Bentley" 28 years ago, wow.
Anthony's a fourth generation Butcher
West is a prosecutor whose wife died under mysterious circumstances (note: Fleiss & Co.'s insurance carrier for their general liability policy made some nice change off West)
William is a cell phone salesman from Columbus, Ohio. What shall we call William? Cell Phone Bill, of course.
STOP! It's Limo Time
Solar Ryan comes out and Ashley likes what she sees (note: Ryan is Mrs. Dugan's early pick to go the distance)
Jon comes out next and does not garner the same reaction.
Dugan's favorite, well timed notes on Jon come from his ABC bio:
If he could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?Arnold, the Governator, for his fitness success and position in our community.
What is your favorite actor and why?Arnold Schwarzenegger, that guy is just too entertaining.
Lucas Oil is a Texas Hugger, not to be confused with a tree hugger
Cell Phone Bill shows he's a man of many talents with his impressions later in the night.
Mickey goes in for the kiss trying to be the Anti Chantal - denied.
Tim looks uncomfortable in his suit but figures a few drinks will help him unwind.
Louisiana Lawyer Ben "LL Ben" speaks French to Ashley but did not bring the Poutine.
Stephen's "Rushmore" hair gets Ashley's attention but I was surprised to see Jason Schwartzman on The Bachelorette.
Chris "Quad City DJ" is from Moline, IL and a terrible rapper. Having been to Moline, IL, this does not surprise Dugan as it had NO hip hop stations. Not one.
West gives a broken compass, but his name is Adam West which is odd considering Batman makes an appearance later.
Anthony the Butcher comes out and gives my favorite opening line ever, "Nice place." I am ready to be entertained by the Butcher for weeks to come.
Rob is a tech executive who brings to mind two things: i) many of these guys are listed as "executives," and ii) Rob looks like the breakdancing twins.
Ames comes out and the first thing I can think of is "El Douche." Then, he hands the Dental Student a pair of ballet tickets and "El Douche" is confirmed.
Matt, but we'll just call him "Eddy," has some Mommy issues, doesn't own an iphone and works as an Office Supplies Salesman. Office Depot or Staples?
Jeff "Batman" wears a mask and immediately makes an enemy with Liquor Tim
Ben the Winemaker brings wine and is another Mrs. Dugan pick to go far
Frank is a college admissions directly that is unsurprisingly still single
Michael is excited to meet a dentist for the first time. Sadly, someone has to introduce him to Blake if he wants to meet a dentist.
Chris M. is in Construction, from Canada and promises Ashley they have a lot in common. (note: Does it seem like Construction is a very popular job for Contestants? If not, wait.)
Ryan M. is a Construction Manager, brings a camera, and asks for a picture with Harrison later = awesome.
J.P. wears a dark suit with white socks which makes me want to call him "Elwood" but he is not cool enough and admits "Cupcake" as a work nickname. Also in Construction from NY.
Nick is a personal trainer from Tampa and former baseball player drafted by the Yankees
Blake "The Only Dentist on the Show" should go meet Michael
Bentley wants to be Wes so bad its annoying already
Constantine is the Greek Groban
I would watch a show where people showed pictures of Constantine and Josh Groban and contestants had to guess Groban or Greek Groban. I would lose.
After the Limo
After the Limo had a few moments but none more entertaining than the battle between Liquor Tim and Batman. Liquor Tim thinks Batman "is a creeper." Lucas Oil wisely predicts problems for those two. Liquor Tim decides a few cocktails are needed prior to speaking with Ashley and/or confronting Batman. Bad idea. He is wasted and responds thusly when asked by Ashley if drunk: "Yeah, probably."
AWESOME. It's game time. Liquor Tim v. the self-described "Mature Man" wearing a mask on a dating reality show.
Batman wins via TKO as Liquor Tim passed out and was escorted off the show.
Ryan P. takes the first impression rose and joining him are Batman, Greek Groban, Ben F., Lucas Oil, Rushmore, Eddy, Nick, Quad City DJ, the other Ryan, The Only Dentist on the Show, Mickey, LL Ben, the Adam West not playing Batman here or ever before, Cell Phone Bill, Cupcake, El Douche, and Bentley.
Exiting stage left are Rob who seemed a little upset. His words? "Crushed, bummed out, dissapointed, lost, definitely defeated." Wow. Maybe Governator Arnold fan Jon takes it better, "to see this slip away, it's heartbreaking . . .I thought Ashley was the one . . . it's hard to walk away from . . ." UMMM.......WHAT?!? Fleiss & Co. outdid themselves this year.
Sadly, the Butcher also left the show. This was his only reaction.
Season Preview
Coming up this season...Vegas, Jets, Flash Mobs, Bathing Suits, Boat Trips, Overseas travel, Fights, Ambulances, Crying . . . did I see FLASH MOBS?!?!?
Hello, friends of WWT, and welcome to the 2011 Bachelorette with former Dentist turned Dental Student Ashley. While not initially impressed with the Bachelorette choice, things are looking up. Sometimes, lack of excitement over the Bachelor/ette turns our expectations on their heads and produces great television (see Pavelka, Jake).
*Bitch refers to the awesomeness that is this show
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