The Bachelorette Episode 5: Say Yes to the Des

The show opened with previews for the drama filled night but Munich was the real star of the episode.

We join Des on her first trip to Europe with three dates: A One-on-One, Group, and the dreaded Two-on-One. Chris Harrison flexes his bilingual muscles and welcomes the guys to Germany. Drew wanted everyone to know his appropriate and favorite song.

Chris gets the first One-on-One and is having a true bounceback season. I'm willing to call Chris the single most-improved player during one season in Bachelor/ette history. However, as Paul George (who did he lose to?) can tell you, no NBA most improved player award recipient has ever won an NBA title. Does that mean Chris is doomed?

Bryden's breaking down explaining that Des' kind words in the Jersey Shore were not enough: "A quick little bandaid over a deeper wound." Yikes, hyperbole. Bryden is always thinking about Des and assumes she'd like to know about his decision to go home as soon as possible - even during her date with Chris.

Rain causes some technical issues in the Dugan house but here are my thoughts:

• Chris rocked a sausage store
• They went to try on German clothes. This is a fairly regular event for Bachelor/ettes. Readers, do you often go on dates where you try on traditional dress of the region you are visiting? I have NEVER done this. Has anyone? Do Fleiss & Co. believe the viewer finds this interesting?
• Bryden interrupts with one of the worst scripted moments in Bachelor history. Going around walking trying to find television cameras while being followed by television cameras. I wanted every single German who he asked to point at the fucking camera five feet from him as he was asking where the TV camera was.
• Pretzels and giant beers look amazing.

Zugspitze Group Date 

Juan Pablo, Big Jim, #, Shirtless Zak, Hockey Hair, and NYC Mikey trek the Highest Peak in all of Germany. The date meant that Domer Mike and Ben would have the Two-On-One and caused Domer Mike to get his game face on declaring that he will have to murder Ben. At this point, I became distracted from the group date trying to determine the number of murders in Germany and just how much Domer Mike would stand out for such an act. Here's the group date highlights:

• An ancient, misogynist yodeler tries to teach the guys yodeling tricks.
• The guys sled down the hill as NYC Mikey explains "This is no bunny hill."
• Zak drops a gem of a quote: "Love is like sledding down this hill." He really said that.
• Shirtless Zak could have been Father Zak.
• James is a favorite and some of the guys are starting to notice.
• Brooks gets the rose.

Domer Mike's Miami Heat Date, Wait what?

The Date Card asks Ben and Miami's Domer Mike to Heat things up. Oh, come on. Domer Mike Heat. . Miami Heat. Boom.

Domer Mike is in full on gladiator mode entering as the underdog against villain Father Ben. Mike brings up murder, Armageddon, and details his goals: "Ready to send this fucker home.”

The most reliable stats I could find shows that Germany had about 690 murders in a calendar year. Chicago had 506 last year. Mike, please don't murder anyone over Des. It’s depressing looking up the murder rate of US cities compared to Germany. Also, its frustrating that Domer Mike seems willing to sully the name of Domers, Floridians, Attorneys, etc for Des.

Some more quick-fire thoughts on the date:

• Polar Bear Plunge Psycheout! It's a Hot Tug where you are in a hot tub/boat contraption. 
• Mike is pretty fired up and on the offensive. Never mind, he's just offensive. 
• Mike calls out Father Ben's fathering, friendship and mass attendance skills.
• Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Drew and # are having a "Here for the Right Reasons" discussion. DRINK. It centers on bad boys NYC Mikey and James.
• Only a Domer would call out someone for missing mass. This is getting ridiculous.
• YET! It secures a rose. Father Ben is probably the only person that could have lost to Mike on this date. I've never seen a less likable performance secure the rose on the two-on-one.
• "That shocks me,” Mrs. Dugan.

Non-Cocktail Rose Ceremony

Chris H. wants Des to kiss and tell, but she doesn't take the bait. Chris, Hockey Hair (Congrats Blackhawks) and Domer Mike are safe with Roses.

Who is joining them? 

• Shirtless Zak
• #
• Juan Pablo (Has he been on a date this season?)
• Drew...and
• Big Jim.

Goodbye NYC Mikey from Chicago. Until next week in Barthelona.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Say Yes to the Des

I'm often asked, "How can you possibly watch the Bachelorette?"  I always respond, "Because it's the search for true love."  In a world of global warming, NSA spying, and Miss Utah, you and I need ABC, Chris B. Harrison, and roses.  One of these guys could someday, maybe be Des's husband.  That's true love.  Maybe.

With that said (and the ice cream and whiskey to my right and Mrs. Wags to my left), let the show begin:

But before the show began, ABC let us know that the "hottest new show" is coming up after the Bachelorette.  It's called Mistresses.  Newsflash ABC: Game of Thrones is the hottest show.

Now let the show begin. Des has left Los Angeles.  The guys are following on a trip around the WORLD.  First stop....rainy Atlantic City!  Next stop...Tallahassee, Florida!  (credit Mrs. Wags with the joke).  Mikey T., predictably, was the most excited for Atlantic City.  Hopefully Snooki is a surprise guest.

Solo Date #1: Brad Who?

The date started off with a trip the boardwalk and some candy tasting.  Des loved that Brad "just rolled with it."  Carnival rides and candy tasting?  Brad, you're so brave to just roll with that high stress date.

The date continued to a sand castle picnic and then dinner. Brad Who backs up his nickname by being incredibly boring in conversation.  This guy should not get a rose.

Confession: I am watching this date rather than the Giants game.

p.s. Confession: I stopped paying attention to this date to check the Giants score.  3-1 lead....hum baby!

Des proved that this is the search for true love by sending Brad Who home.  Sadly, we may never know who he really was.

It's not easy to be a single dad.

Group Date: Hockey Hair Brooks, Bryden, Big Zack, #Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak, Mikey, Father Ben, Domer Mike, and Chris

The group date began in Boardwalk Hall, the future site of the Miss America Pageant.  Sadly, Domer Mike continued to embarrass fellow Domers by saying that he dreamed of becoming Mr. America as a kid.

Domer Mike would get his chance on this date because the guys competed in a Mr. America pageant.

Not only did the guys have to answer interview questions and show off their (lack of) talent, but they also had to wear "mankinis...you know...banana hammocks."  Yes, Drew, we get it.

WHODUNNIT?

Now that we're back from commercial, let the show begin.  The crowd looked alarmingly similar to the "After the Final Rose" crowd.  See below if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Crowd

In the talent portion, every guy was a complete clown....until Shirtless Zak did a very good impersonation of Jack Johnson.  Watch out Wes, Shirtless Zak might be the most famous Bachelorette singer-songwriter.

The swimsuit portion proved that all these guys are doing PEDs.

After a three-judge vote, #Casey took the Mr. Bachelor crown, but not necessarily the group date rose.

During the evening portion of the date, I noticed that Bryden's job is listed as "Iraq War Veteran."  I wish he had a funny "slash."  War Veteran/Hairstylist.  War Veteran/Plastic Surgeon.  War Veteran/Veterinarian (Vet Vet).

The coveted group date rose went to Shirtless Zak.  As usual, the victory went to the guy that can play the acoustic guitar.

Solo Date #2: James

James got the first ever "Red Cross" date.  They took a helicopter ride to view the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.  I got pretty teary during Beasts of the Southern Wild.  And by teary, I mean I cried.  And by cried, I mean no I didn't.  Okay, yes I did.  So hurricane footage can leave the viewer effected.  On the other hand, hearing Des and James act as spokespeople for Hurricane Sandy awareness is less than persuasive.

The date continued its cheery theme with a tour of a nearly destroyed house.  But Des and James showed how charitable they are by giving up their date so a couple hurricane victims could go to Atlantic City.  Though I'm sure it was really Fleiss and Co's idea, it was a nice moment. I'm not crying. I swear.  I'm just a little choked up.

Fleiss and Co., realizing how boring Des can be, decided to follow Manny and Jan on their Atlantic City date.  This begs the question: why can't next season be The Old Bachelor?  I think it could work!  It would definitely be funny.  Mrs. Wags thinks it should just be called Sweet Old Married Couples Going on Dates.  Of course, it would be followed by WHODUNNIT?

The date ended, not with Snooki, but with Hootie.  I was envious.  I'm such a baby cause the dolphins make me cry.

Though he admitted he once cheated, James appropriately got a rose.

Rose Ceremony

Bryden announced to the guys that he might be leaving.  Bryden confessed to Des that he thinks their relationship should be farther (or is it further) along.  How great is this show?  If you don't think this show is the search for true love, then you clearly WHODUNNIT!?

Joining earlier rose recipients Shirtless Zak and James were: Chris, Hockey Hair Brooks, Juan Pablo, Drew Really?, Domer Mike, Father Ben, #Kasey, Bryden, and NYC Mikey.

Unfortunately, Big Zack now has to go back to his job at the toy store.

Until next week in Cleveland...I mean, Munich.  Auf wiedersehen.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Say Yes to the Des

Harrison begins the show letting the guys know there will be three dates this week: 2 Group Thangs and a One-on-One.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge with Group Date Dodgeball

I'm going to run down the aka Love is a Battlefield  date (nice shout out to blog readers) guys since we are all still learning to differentiate: 1) Chris the mortgage broker who brings the pun, 2) Drew who I can’t figure out, 3) Prosecuting Domer Michael, 4) Velvet Blazer Brian from Baltimore, 5) Hockey Hair Brooks, 6) Brad, 7) NYC Mikey, 8) Brandon (who reminds everyone of Guard and Protect your Heart Kasey and I will now combine Guard and Protect Your Heart and Brandon to form GHB), 9) Big, and 10) Father Ben.

Looking at this group, you had to like NYC Mikey due to sheer size, GHB due to the crazy factor and BIG since he’s a kid in an adult’s body.

They first team the guys up against dodgeball pros and Domer Mike is intimidated. Let that soak in. Domer Mike's a federal prosecutor in Miami. These dodgeball experts must have been RUTHLESS. After the  target practice, guys are broken up into teams.

• Red team: NYC Mikey, Domer Mike, Hocker Hair, Chris, and GHB
• Blue team: Drew, Brian, Brad, Big, and Father Ben

After some nice back-and-forth action, we have an injury. We know hockey players are tough, but alas, Brooks has Hockey Hair but not a Hockey mentality.

We have our first EMT sighting of the year (shotgun) and I have some HIPAA concerns as Brooks answers medical questions with the cameras rolling.

After Party

•  Accountant Brad (Who but not Dr. Who?) gets one-on-one time
• Drops kid news - has a 3 yr old son, Maddox.
• Drops a tired line - anyone but you and I wouldn't have come on the show…
• Raising kid by myself - admirable
• Ex has drinking problems - interesting turn here.
• Arrested for domestic violence, faught, and had charges dismissed
• This is NOT first conversation material.
• Mortgage Broker Chris found the helipad.
• Brooks is raises from the dead.

“Bizarre News about one of your Guys”

That's how Harrison breaks some interesting news for Des. A dishonest man! Shocked. Turns out that Brian is a velvet blazer wearing liar. Des confronts. Past relationship was a “short time ago.” We'll find out how short soon. Brian's very recent ex Stephanie, a Des Doppelganger, shows up to confront Brian.

Velvet’s reaction to her arrival, “Oh Geez.” Is there a better reaction to being confronted by an ex? LOVE IT. Could be quote of the year material for me.

You know who else is shocked that a guy may not be telling the truth about his previous relationships on a dating reality show? Drew. Thanks for being you, Drew.

Velvet told his ex he had a “a business meeting” in California. Seems plausible. Turns out they slept together 2 days before coming out to tape the show. Mrs. Dugan and I agreed that 2 days is not enough time to be taken seriously. 2 years, obviously ok. 2 months? 2 weeks? Somewhere in between. What say you, faithful WWT readers? What is the acceptable length of time you can be intimate before entering the Bachelor mansion looking for love?

Velvet Brian was not "here for the right reasons.” DRINK!

• Hashtag's here for the rights reasons (hereinafter "HFTRR"). DRINK.
• GHB cries about the men he’s fallen in love with who have left him. This is so weird.
• Shirtless Zak’s HFTRR. DRINK.

Hashtag and #TheWorstDateEver

Circue De Sunset Strip. (Insert metaphors re support and relationships and heights #lame). Date is not going well and Des doesn’t think it’s Hashtag’s fault #yesitis. The wind hates hashtag #thatmeansGoddoesntlikeyou.

Gets a rose. #how?

Young Guns

Dryden, James, Lou Diamond Phillips, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak and Dr. Who bolster a infomercial for the Lone Ranger movie while trying to impress Des.

Here's the highlights:

• James is large and the guys felt bad for the horse.
• Montana Bryden and Texas Zak looked the most comfortable.
• Dr. Who lost his pants.
• Juan Pablo spoke Spanish the whole time. Cue spanish guitars. Thank you Fleiss & Co.
• James secured a rose.

Pool Party

• Villian Father Ben moves aggresively for some one-on-one time.
• Drew wants Des to know she can talk to him. Especially with updates on the guys. Be you, Drew.
• Mikey T, James and Domer Mike are gathering momentum as the Anti-Father Ben crowd.
• GHB is not stable. He brings up his single mom and the men coming in and out of his life. GHB offering promises he won't hurt her. Just say you'll guard and protect her heart. He's "falling in love." So awkward.

Rose Ceremony

• GHB confident
• Domer Mike focused on Father Ben
• Velvet Blazer Brian already gone.
• Hashtag, Big Pun (Chris needs a nickname) and Big Jim are safe.

 Who else is safe?

• Brayden
• Juan Pablo
• Shirtless Zak
• Hockey Hair
• Drew…come on, really?
• BIG
• Brad who?
• Domer Mike
• NYC Mikey
• Father Ben

Goodbye to Dr. Who and formerly confidant GHB. Beware Drew and Brad…you don’t have nicknames and your kind is dwindling. Dr. Who takes it well. GHB, predictably, does not. Tears. In love. Heart smashed with a hammer. “I’m just…I’m just out of tears.”

Until next week’s Boardwalk Empire/Jersey Shore mashup with Wags.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Say Yes to (Rapping with) Des

Dugan's premiere recap is a tough act to follow.  With the right amount of scotch and pie, I will try to at least take him to a game seven.

The preview showed that the guys will be filming a rap video and yelling at Father Ben, this year's villain.  Episode two has major potential (for the audience).

First Solo Date: Brook(e)(s)

Confession: I had to rewind to hear if his name is Brooks or Brook.  Or is it Brooke?  Wait...is Brooke a ladies' name?  More scotch will help me answer these questions.

Brooks and Des took a trip along the coast in the ugliest Bentley automobile ever made.  Des should have kept the Honda.

Des took Brooks to a bridal salon.  They played dress up.  Des said she wanted to be "spontaneous" on their date by wearing the bridal apparel outside the store.  Does Des know what spontaneous means?  If she did, she would know that nothing on the Bachelorette happens organically?  Fleiss and Co. just would not stand for it.

Des and Brooks then got spontaneously sit on the famous Hollywood sign.  But in the end, Brooks got the first kiss.   How about that for spontaneity?  Now who looks like a cynic?

I have full rights to use this photo.  Courtesy of President Lincoln.

After another product placementy drive through LA at night, Brooks and Des had a romantic dinner.  Des asked how Brooks deals with commitment, seeing as his parents are divorced.  Brooks then confessed that he basically hates his dad.  Please let Brooks get a hometown date!  During his down time at the house, Brooks should take some guitar lessons:

I have no rights to this photo.

After dinner in the LA smog, Fleiss and Co. continued the tradition of having a vanilla band play a private concert.  This year, Andy Grammer did the honors.  Every single piece of information on his Wikipedia page was news to me.  Should I know who this guy is?

After this date, Brooks is looking like an early favorite, and has a rose to prove it.

Group Date: Dan, Juan Pablo, Zach K., Wayne Borat Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zakkk, Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben (and maybe some other guys)

The group date, which supposedly includes shooting a rap video, is going to take place at...a winery!?  Now that I think about it, was California Love shot at a winery?  Maybe a post-apocalyptic winery.

Soulja Boy aka Sell Out Boy showed up to teach the guys.  Most of the guys were back up dancers.  Some had to rap with lyrics about previous infamous contestants on the Bachelor.  

Michael G. called himself the "whitest white boy there is."  Go Irish!  (Truth be told, his rap about Mesnick was actually pretty entertaining).  

Brandon, rapping pantsless, took himself much too seriously, and kept messing up his lyrics.  Don't worry Michael G., Brandon proved to be the whitest of the white boys.  

In the end, Soulja and the Boys were rather boring.  But, hey, maybe I'll buy a Soulja Boy album now...hold on...is this in-show advertising working!?

Later in the night, Zak with No C and No Shirt gave Des an antique journal with an inscription from some random father to his daughter.  Des loved it.  Good work Zak!  Buy a used book with an inscription meant for someone else and have the Bachelorette love it.  This guy is a professional.  

Father Ben pulled Des aside, drawing the ire of the other guys.  Assuming this guy becomes the villain as expected, he seems like he might be the nicest villain in show history: loves his son, asks permission to give her a kiss, and tucks in his polo shirt.  I prefer my villains with more skeletons in the closet.  

Brandon, stealing a page out of Hockey Hair Brooks's playbook, emotionally confessed to Des that his dad left when he was five and his mom was a drug addict.  Brandon was highly emotional, saying he did not expect to "fall in like" with her so soon.  For saying that, Brandon, you are my villain.  

Ben got the date rose.  All of the guys still see him as he villain.  

Solo Date: Bryden

Bryden also got to take a trip in the Busted Bentley.

The first road trip stop was on Matador Beach.  They had fish tacos.  That's what I'm talking about.
Next stop, Coconut Grove to visit an orange grove.
Next stop, Ojai to visit a spa.  (also the first Bachelor dramatic/romantic background music we've heard...this bodes well for Bryden)

During their evening dinner at the spa, Bryden admitted that he almost died in a car accident...and he had the red asphalt photos of himself to prove it.  If you qualify to be a contestant on this show, you're life has probably had a rough patch: absent fathers, drug addicted mothers, attending Notre Dame, or near-death car accident.

Predictably, Bryden got a date rose.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Michael G. confessed to Des that he has diabetes.  Add that on the "rough patch" list.  While telling his deepest secret, Father Ben "swooped" in and interrupted Michael G.  Cue villain music.  Like bunting in the 9th inning of a no-hit bid, taking time with the Bachelorette when you already have a rose will get you a bean ball in your next at-bat.

This is a picture of a baseball hitting this guy in the face.

A few of the guys unconvincingly confronted Father Ben.  I'm going to need to see some more offensive behavior from Ben before I dislike the guy.  He just seems like a bit of a dweeb.  

Joining Hockey Hair Brooks, Father Ben, and Bryden with roses were:

James the Undertaker

Casey

Dr. Who (Dan)

Juan Pablo (*Des asked if Juan Pablo "aceptas las rosas?" - - - we're entering Ali and Ro-Ber-To territory)

Brad

Chris

Brian

Zak with No C and No Shirt

Drew

Mikey

Big (Zack K)

Michael - Go Irish!

Brandon

Goodbye Wayne Borat Will (low five on the way out the door from me), Robert Sign Spinner, and Nick M.

Until next week, with hopefully less rapping.

 

The Bachelorette: Say Yes to the Des Premiere

We begin, as usual, with a season preview montage about all the drama on the upcoming season. But, it's really only important that you remember there are a lot of bros and that bros are ultra competitive about stupid things. I am not saying that love is stupid, but game show love is pretty silly to be competitive about. Also, this is a first. One of the bachelors has been in my kitchen. (See reference). More on his memorable premiere later.

Des pulls up to the Bachelorette mansion in a nice 2 door 94 Honda, I remember those cars vividly because 40% of my friends in high school drove that exact car..…rags to riches angle? BINGO. 

But I feel they didn't bring up the best argument for her hard luck childhood. Instead of going straight for the jugular with children's pictures and stories of their homelessness, they centered on the fact she grew up in an apartment. YES. The horror. She didn't have a single family home. That is rough.

So she's in the new Bachelorette diggs...She only needs a man now. So they bring her Bentley. Bentley's back?!? Oh, a Bentley automobile. Upgrade. I also hope this is incredible foreshadowing by Mike Fleiss and Co.

One on One w/ Harrison

• What does she want out of this? 
• "I want a communicator and companionship." Is this the first lesbian season ever? Honestly, there is no chance any of the guys looking to be on this show included that in their "wants"
•  What is she looking forward to?
• "I’m looking forward to when someone I love is on their knees…" You too, Des?

Guy Intros

• We meet a Missoula, Montana military man named Bryden who's really into his dog. I feel like we have another "guard and protect your heart" character in the making. Also, "Bryden" is a good example of where names are heading in our near future. We are now into fucked up white people's names. Congrats, you're all dumb. I know a guy who loved his dog. Timmy and Lassie. I'll call you Timmy.

• Wayne Brady is a 28 year old banker from Chicago, does bikram yoga, and high fives little, old white ladies in the street.
• Drew, like 75% of this year's contestants is in digital marketing, is from Scottsdale, grew up in a divorced home, had an alcoholic father, and severely handicapped sister. Yikes, we'll just call you Drew, you've been through enough...for now.
• Nick R. is a tailor/magician. It's not possible to picture a magician going far. Kids are into magic. Women looking to settle down are not.
• Zak (honestly with that spelling?) is from Mico, Texas and hates shirts.
• Sign Spinner invented sign spinning and has a one eyed dog.
• Mike is a Dental Student. Since they didn't invest in the back story and claim he's a dentist, his chances don't look good.
• Brandon is a painter. He's a bit of a meathead so he isn't getting a cool painter nickname like Bob Ross or Dali. Also has abandonement and addiction issues. So add in sniffing paint all day and this guy's going places.

Let's Get to the Limos. 

While I may be harsh in some of my treatment of these guys, I really do feel for them. It has to be incredibly awkward to get out of these limos and try to be remembered from the group of Jimmies and Joes.

Limo 1

• Drew, Digital Marketing Entreprenuer, did nothing memorable.
• Brooks, the Marketing Consultant from SLC has hockey hair.
• Brad, an Accountant from Denver, did a lame wishbone intro.
• Timmy didn't bring Lassie.
• Michael, Domer #1 on the show and fellow member of the South Florida bar, does a penny trick that gets awkward. His awkward entry looks like ND's perfect regular season when compared to Domer #2's entrance minutes later.

 Limo 2

• Hashtag is an advertising executive who's really into social media #hashtag #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #YOUHAVENOCHANCE
• Wayne Brady is still high fiving everything in sight, calls her Athena. If the high fives continue, Wayne Brady will become Wayne Borat.

• Yo, Mikey T. is a fucking plumber from the Bronx...errr Illinois.
• Jon is a lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina who is about to very embarrassed about his behavior. Jon asked Des if she wanted to go to the fantasy suite with him. DENIED. But he'd have to get denied a few more times before eventually being asked to leave. Congrats! I hope you work in criminal defense.
• Zak Abs is not a real person, nor did he write the line handed to him by Fleiss & Co, "Will you accept these abs?”

Limo 3

• James is an odd advertising executive from Chicago who gives a talk about loyalty.
• Larry B., Domer #2, is an ER doctor from Berkley.

• Stream of consciousness. I know Larry. He came to my house on spring break. He's a nice enough guy, smart, hard working...can be socially awkward. Can be charming. This season is going to be hilarious. Oh fuck, nevermind. He tries to dance and almost kills her. Only socially awkward Larry came through.
• Nick R. is a Magician (see above) that doesn't need a nickname because he won't be around long.
• Zack is rocking the vans/tux look, is a book publisher and wow, this guy looks like a grown up kid. He looks like a 12 year old that switched bodies with an adult. It's creepy. Your name is BIG.
• Sir Crazy Lot (thank you guys inside the house) comes out in full knight regalia. The girls pull these stunts on the Bachelor and the guy only cares if the girl is hot or not. Guys doing stunts is pathetic and will get most of them booted (see below).

Limo 4 (must have been huge)

•  Chris is a Mortgage Broker from Seattle. Feigning a proposal on his knees, he asks if he can tie his shoe...and explains he wanted to get off on the right foot…PUNS will get you places with Dugan, sir.
• Mike R, the Dental Student, from Texas. 
• Sign Spinner who doesn't like ties.
• Does he really believe he invented spinning a sign?
• Juan Pablo is a former pro soccer player from Venezuela who Des approves of. The nicknames are needed to differentiate the Robs from the Mikes from the Joes. I think if we write "Juan Pablo" our readers won't have trouble recognizing him as the former Venzuelan soccer star.
• Hat tip to Fleiss & Co. for the spanish guitar in the background.
• Eveil Kneivel Bob Ross Brandon Dali gets off his motorcycle and doesn't know if he's from California or Minneapolis.
• Brian is in Finance in Baltimore (= drug dealer)
• More important, he wore jeans and a velvet blazer
• Micah is a law student from Denver. The only thing more annoying than lawyers are law students. God they are insufferable.
• Nick M. is an investment advisor from Charlotte (= sells insurance).
• Dan sells booze in Vegas. I should have more to say but he did nothing.
• Ben is an entreprenuer from Dallas (unemployed). Uses his cute kid as a prop. I can pull that move. It's a cheap trick.

Introduction Party

• Magician gets the first one on one time
• Painter comes in quick. Giving away mother’s sobriety coin. And dumped his grandparents for a phone interview to get on the show. Are these first date discussions?
• Rose envy.
• Lots of cities being mentioned.
• Interruptions.
• NYC Mikey is NOT from NYC.
• Ben may have a cute kid but he doesn't sit like a straight man.

• Ben still gets a rose.
• Shirtless Zak still thinks he has a chance.
• Holy shit he got a rose.
• Timmy is still talking about his best friend, Lassie.
• Juan Pablo turns the odds in his favor with a little game of futbol.
• Drew talks about his crazy butterflies, how he's fidgety, and can’t help but smile around Des. Drew probably sits like Ben.
• Larry
• Trying to undo the dip
• Socially awkward
• Creepster
• Feels good he is not fantasy suite man
• Fantasy suite man says the following things in a very short time frame
• is nothing like Sean
• has no filter
• has got a very large love tank. A WHAT?
• thinks he's a pretty good catch which is confirmed by his own mother
• has a love tank that has not been depleted in years...  

AND SOME OF YOU DONT LIKE THIS SHOW?!?!?!

Rose Ceremony

Painter Brandon

BIG – Zack K.

Wayne Brady

Hockey Hair Brooks

Juan Pablo 

Brad

Hashtag

James – The Undertaker

Sign Spinner

Brian who kinds of looks like SNL's Will Forte

Dan – Dr. WHO becuase I have no clue who this is and I have a blog about the show. For real, dude.

Chris

NYC Mikey

Who have we lost?

Fantasy Suite Lawyer?

Law Student

Magician

Dr. Larry

The Brave Knight Diogo

Have we ever lost such a bountiful source of blogging material in the opening episode? Fantasy Suite Lawyer, Dr. Larry and a Magician walk into a bar... 

Until next week when we big with the hot tubs, helicopters and private islands with Wags.

Hammond in the Wind

This blog is now titled "We Watch the Bachelor," but used to be "We Watch TV." And one of the items Wags and I watch as faithfully as the Bachelor/ette is Notre Dame Football. With tears, we bid adieu...

Goodbye Kentucky rose

May you ever grow in our hearts

You were the head that placed itself

Where Rockne got his start

You called out to our country

And you whispered to those in pain

Now you belong to heaven

And the stars spell out your name

And it seems to me you lived your life

Like a candle in the wind

Never fading with the season

When the losses set in

And your footsteps will always fall here

Along Indiana's greenest hills

Your candle's burned out long before

Your legend ever will

Your voice we've lost

These empty seats (at the top during late season home games) without your smile

This torch we'll always carry

For our nation's golden voice

And even though we try

The truth brings us to tears

All our words cannot express

The joy you brought us through the years

And it seems to me you lived your life

Like a candle in the wind

Never fading with the season

When the losses set in

And your footsteps will always fall here

Along Indiana's greenest hills

Your candle's burned out long before

Your legend ever will

Goodbye Kentucky rose

May you ever grow in our hearts

You were the head that placed itself

Where Rockne got his start

Goodbye Kentucky rose

From a title lost without your call

Who'll miss your head high above

More than you'll ever know

And it seems to me you lived your life

Like a candle in the wind

Never fading with the sunset

When the losses set in

And you footsteps will always fall here

Along Indiana's greenest hills

Your candle's burned out long before

Your legend ever will

Good luck to Dan Hiclks.

The Bachelor: Likable Sean's Finale

After the ice cream got scooped and the scotch put on ice (one rock), I took a look at our blog stats.  We are 400 pageviews away from 30,000.  I'd like to take a moment to pat ourselves on the back.  Though Dugan and I have accounted for 20,000 of those views, we should be proud.

On to the good stuff.  Mrs. Wags and I discussed the finale at dinner.  She asked me which bachelorette I thought would win.  I replied, "Lennay, because I just can't see a contestant with a foot tattoo winning it all."  I asked her who she thought would win.  She deftly said, "Lindsay, because I can't believe that a person with a foot tattoo has never won."  With the wise words of Wu Tang in mind, let's start the show.

The episode started off in the studio with @chrisbharrison announcing that this will be a "three hour finale."  Even with this time change, I'm worried that I will not be able to stay up this late.  The power of Neil Lane must get me through.

Sean's family arrived Thailand, dressed in their best Easter pastels, to meet the ladies.  Lennay came first.  Guess what?  She's falling in love.  I can see their future:

Sean's mom grilled Lennay about how she knew she was falling in love.  Lennay said it's because she writes him notes.  And he writes notes back.  How could the letter at the end be from anyone other than Lennay?  On the other hand, it would be better if the note was from Sean's mom, Chris Harrison, Emily, Neil Lane, or Dugan (not necessarily in that order).

Next came the General's Daughter.  For some reason, I just cannot see her winning.  Maybe it has something to do with this:

GD made a good impression with Sean's day about bringing up the power of prayer.  (Personal confession: "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" was the first tape I ever owned).

Sean, predictably, is in love with both women.  Sean's family, predictably, doesn't understand how someone can propose to one woman but be undecided.  ABC's producers, predictably, are very happy that Sean is following the protocol.

Sean showed just how torn up he is by pulling a Flajnik (see bottom for Dugan's Flajnik reference).

Sean then went on last-dates with each woman.  The General's Daughter went first.  They took a river raft down the muddy waters of the Mekong.  I wish they had gone swimming so they could get eaten by a couple of these catfish.  Instead, they stayed on the raft.  Sean said that that Lindsay would be a "hot old chick."  That seems like a very safe comment to make if you are going to choose the other woman.

Sidenote: I really like the music on the Bachelor.  I don't meditate, but the music makes me want to learn.  Can I get the soundtrack somewhere?

Lindsay said she had "something special" to share with Sean.  I assumed she meant lingerie, but it turned out to be three lanterns that fly away into the sky and represent their love and their future and some other really romantic things.  Sean probably wanted the lingerie.

We are now an hour into the show and NO NEIL LANE!  What the heck ABC!?

Lennay got her final date.  It started off with Scar telling Sean and Lennay to go to the Elephant Graveyard.  It was actually just a good old fashioned elephant walk.

Lennay struggled to say the right words to express how she feels.  Now that she bared her emotions, it gave Sean the chance to stick to the script and utter, "I never thought I would be in this position."  Do you think ABC has to write that on a cue card every season or do the bachelors just know?

Lennay finished the date by saying "I love you" to Sean.  Sean romantically replied, "thanks for the nice day."

Finally my wishes came true.  Neil Lane appeared in the 85th minute.  Sean awesomely said, "hey...Neil Lane."  I'm now inspired to only call my friends by their full names.  Looks like I have a fun game to play at work tomorrow.  Unfortunately, Sean Lowe picked the ring in about 20 seconds, robbing us of Neil Lane time.  I'm filing a formal complain with Chris Harrison.

The Proposal and the Rejection

The dreaded first woman out of the limo was the General's Daughter, rocking a healthy dose of overconfidence and just a dash of foot ink.  Sean greeted Lindsay with compliments, but then said "lā k̀xn" (goodbye, Thai-style).  Lindsay, in her most mature moment on the show, said "goodbye, I'm glad you found someone." 

As predicted, Harrison delivered a letter from Lennay.  The letter turned out to be a rather pedestrian love letter.  

Lennay arrived in her lucky gold dress.  Sean proposed marriage as Lennay as she almost passed out.  

Until next season, with hopefully just as many sunset elephant rides.