The Bachelorette Episode 6: JoJo and the Bullies

In addition to being on the lookout for any sign of receding hairlines among these guys, I am also going to pay attention to whether the roses that they use are real.  I believe that the date roses are fake and the rose ceremony roses real.  While the answer to this question is of little consequence, most of the questions related to this show are inconsequential.  Of greater consequence is that I have vanilla ice cream and scotch in my brand new crystal glass (thanks to Mrs. Wags on father's day!)  On to the show...

The episode started off in Argentina.  This is perfect because lots of Bachelor(ette) contestants cry, and the most famous Argentinian also likes to cry.

JoJo just said "funnest."  Step into my office...you're fired. 

Harrison announced that, for the first time in Bachelor history, there will be a second two-on-one date.  America collectively remains unimpressed.  

Solo Date: All 4 Wells

Before his date, All 4 Wells announced that he is the only guy that has not kissed JoJo.  The other guys were "blown away" that he hasn't kissed her because they can't keep their hands off her.  

As they left for their date, the bullies all laughed at how nervous All 4 Wells appeared.  Chase Needs a Nickname said he needs to "besame brochacho."  Good thing he has cool hair because he has nothing else going on in the skull-region.  

The date theme was celebrating the vibrant culture of Buenos Aires, or as JoJo calls it, Bwenose Aries. They did some performance art while All 4 Wells debated whether to kiss JoJo.  He constantly second guessed when to kiss her.  He needs to bring K-Ci and JoJo as a confidence booster.  

Confession: I have no idea which guy was K-Ci

On the evening portion of the date, JoJo stuck with her standard question, "tell me about your last girlfriend."  All 4 Wells ended his last relationship because they treated each other more like friends.  Unfortunately, All 4 Wells just described the way JoJo feels about him.  All 4 Wells did not get the rose, but JoJo consoles him by letting him know that it has been "amazing" to get to know him.

JoJo "never thought her first kiss with Wells could be her last."  Mrs. Wags, looking down at her phone when JoJo uttered this quote, quipped "Did she kill him?"  That would be quite a twist.

Group Date: Cool Hand Luke, Robby, QB4 Jordan, Sweet Baby James, and Marine Devito

Sweet Baby James is feeling intimidated because the guys are all so perfect and are really cool dudes.  Get out your acoustic guitar RIGHT NOW.  Even the playing field Sweet Baby.  You don't need swoopy hair and a six-pack.  You can sing FIRE AND RAIN!!!  

The date included some street futbol penalty kick challenges. Only Sweet Baby made the kick.  Take that, jocks.  Missed penalty kicks in Argentina?  That sounds familiar.

In the evening the guys' hair looked extra swoopy.  Cool Hand Luke, one of the swoops, gives me the creeps.  Mrs. Wags seems convinced that he is a vampire.  I do not think I saw his face sparkle in the sun, but I can't be sure.  Yeah I read Twilight!  Team Edward, all the way. 

Sweet Baby did not take my advice on the acoustic guitar, rather he decided to talk smack about QB4.  Sweet Baby said QB4 has a "stud arm" and "appears in magazines."  Um, Sweet Baby, that's Jordan Rodgers, not Aaron Rodgers.  They are different people.  

I asked Mrs. Wags if it seems like too many of these guys are wearing leather jackets.  I was glad I asked because Mrs. Wags broke out in song:  

JoJo told QB4 that Sweet Baby thinks he is entitled.  Fight fight fight fight!

Cool Hand Luke stayed above the fray and got the date rose.

2-on-1 Date: Harry Potter Derek and Chase Needs a Nickname

Chase Needs a Nickname started off the date by saying that he is keeping his cards "close to his chest."  Close, but no cigarette.

The date activity was three-person tango dancing.  The dance class became a battle of passion and intense stares; hair gel and intentional stubble.  

Mrs. Wags, in an attempt to help us with Chase's nickname, suggests "Chasey and JoJo."  She then quickly and confidently followed up with, "you're welcome."  

I think I just got a slight eye-whiff of a receding hairline on Harry Potter Derek.  While he now becomes my favorite contestant, it means he's probably headed home soon.  

JoJo thought Chase Needs a Nickname needs to express how he feels.  Chase responded by saying he "came to the show for a reason, and the reason is you."  Mrs. Wags, still on fire from her West Side Story reference, points out that Chase quoted Hoobastank.  Yes, Hoobastank.  You remember these guys, you just didn't remember that they were called Hoobastank.

As predicted, Chase Needs a Nickname got the date rose and a slow dance to Don't Cry for Me Argentina (obviously).  Harry Potter cried all the way home in the minivan (obviously).  

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Highlights:

- The guys' hair height.

- Mrs. Wags declaring that JoJo's future husband may not be in the room.

- Sweet Baby continuing to ask for kiss-permission.

- Therapy sessions with Harrison.

Lowlights:

- Marine Devito's height.

- QB4's tight suit pants.

- Holding wine glasses on the bowl rather than the stem.

- Giving everyone a rose.

Joining Chase Needs a Nickname and Cool Hand Luke with roses was:

Robby

QB4

Marine Devito

Sweet Baby

JoJo did not send anyone home.  Boo.  

Until next week, when there is hopefully more analysis of margherita pizza...

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Adios Turd, Hello Uruguay

Oh, hey Turd.

First, I apologize for the delay in blogging this week. Especially since we ended last week on a cliffhanger with the Turd stalking the woods of Pennsylvania after being beat out by Marine DeVito on the two-on-one. The men in the house confront Turd one final time. Guess what? He has not miraculously matured into a rational adult. The Turd is forced out.

Cue All 4 Wells: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpkU4xKkp44

Pennsylvania Rose Ceremony

Let’s get to the highlights and the exits.

• Jim Gym pulls some poetry in a late round bid for a knockout.
• Damn Daniel not happy with Cool Hand Luke’s interruption when CHL already had a rose.
• All 4 Wells lamented the loss of the common enemy, Turd.
• ED Evan talked about how the guys have become mini-Chads. This sounds terrible.

• Cool Hand Luke, Marine DeVito, and QB4 have roses.
• Who’s joining them in South America?
• Harry Potter Derek
• Swimmer Robby
• Chase
• All 4 Wells
• Firefighter Grant
• Vinny Barbarino
• Sweet Baby James
• ED Evan

Goodbye Damn Daniel and Jim Gym. That poetry must have sucked. Damn Daniel at least gave a solid quote on the way out: “I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving my face”. WHAT?

Uruguay

QB4 gains the first one-on-one rose much to the other guys’ chagrin. All 4 Wells and others are starting to question QB4s motivation. Is he here for the right reasons? Where is Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey when you need him? JoJo confronts QB4 about an ex and claims that QB4 was not a good bf. QB4 said he did not cheat but “was in an environment where I enjoyed talking to other girls.”

Meanwhile, back at la casa, the guys are reading gossip magazine articles about JoJo’s ex – ironically named Chad. As the guys whip themselves into a frothy mess, it becomes very easy to understand why all these “great guys” are still single. Fleiss & Co. explain the situations to JoJo she nears a breakdown. To be honest, this seems like a fairly awful period in her life and the guys do a nice job supporting her when she opens up to them.

Sand Surfing with Cool Hand Luke, Harry Potter, Chase, ED Evan, Sweet Baby James, Barbarino, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, and Marine DeVito

• Some good wipeouts are interrupted by Harry Potter’s insecurity.
• Sweet Baby James keeps asking for kisses. It’s pathetic.
• Marine DeVito is ready to take on Harry Potter as the next Turd.
• Derek gets the reassurance rose from JoJo.
• Marine DeVito calls him “an insecure little bitch.” Lovely. Marine DeVito is the guy who spends the whole season talking about other guys.

Swimmer Robby and the non-spontaneous spontaneous date.

JoJo lauds Robby’s spontaneity as he was willing to just jump off the cliff in the water. It was so lucky that they both had their swimsuits on. How fortuitous! Later that night, Swimmer Robby details the tragic loss of his friend and drops a LOVE BOMB.

JoJo’s response? “Thank you so much” Hahahahahah. #LoveThisShow

Uruguay Rose Ceremony

Who has roses? QB4, Robby, and Harry Potter. Joining them?

• Cool Hand Luke
• Chase
• Marine DeVito
• Sweet Baby James
• All 4 Wells

No flame for you Firefighter Grant. Not enough testosterone, ED Evan. Up your nose with a rubber hose, Barberino.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: JoJo's Blueberry and Paper Airplane Life

As the poet Ludacris once said, "Oh no, a fight's out.  I'm about to punch yo [sic] lights out."  While Ludacris was impolitely asking a woman to "get out the way," he might as well have been sending a prophetic warning to ED Evan.  Turd's cycling steroids like I'm cycling ice cream (butterscotch pecan) and whiskey.  Let's begin...

The episode picked up with Turd being forced to make nice with the other less-meaty meats. Turd's version of an apology was to say that he will give ED $20 for a new t-shirt.  ED just wanted Turd to promise that he won't be violent.  Turd could not even really promise that.

Pool Party and Rose Ceremony

Instead of a cocktail party, the guys and JoJo had a pool party.  Jim-Gym pulled a reverse Damn Daniel and jumped in the pool wearing a business suit.  The pool party then came to a screeching halt when ED Evan got a bloody nose in the pool.  I can only remember one other instance of a pool clearing out as quickly:

The pool day took a more serious turn when Turd accused all the guys of talking about him to JoJo (they were.)  

Turd very angry.  About to make explosion.

Turd confronted Harry Potter about talking about him.  Harry Potter tried to pull a Jedi mind trick and told Turd, "Perception is reality." Is that true?  I am going to have to think about that one. 

Turd said he does not watch the Bachelor/ette because he "has a job and a life."  So I'm guessing he doesn't also have a Bachelor Blog?  

At the Rose Ceremony, joining ED Evan, Sweet Baby, and Chase with roses, was:

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter Derek

QB4

Robby

All 4 Wells

Jim-Gym (really falling in love with this nickname)

Vine Barbarino

Damn Daniel

Marine Devito

Turd

Goodbye Aladdin Ali  St. Nick, and Big Brother Christian.  Tough go for short guys.  Marine Devito is in trouble.  Mrs. Wags sadly says, "Who knew Santa could be so boring?"  JoJo ruined Christmas.

Great news!  The Bachelorette is leaving the mansion to a mystery location.  Bad news!  They're going to Pennsylvania.  The budget cuts are in full effect.

Solo Date #1: Cool Hand Luke

The date started with dog sledding on a wheeled cart.  Pennsylvania is such a wannabe Alaska.  The dogs dropped them off at a wood-fire hot tub in the forest.  Pennsylvania is confusing.  

The fire hot tub was an epic fail.  Not surprisingly, it is hard to control the temperature on wood burning hot tub.  JoJo burned herself.  

Something about Cool Hand seems a little off.  I think it's his eyes (I really like to look deeply into their eyes).  Then it hit me.  Because I've watched every Ashley Judd movie with Mrs. Wags multiple times, I realized who he looks like:

Is Cool Hand Luke also a war criminal?

Back at the house, Turd says you don't want to poke the "Chad Bear" because if he punches you, "you're head would explode."  Turd is like Harambe, a 400 pound gorilla that may need to be put down for the safety of others.  

Cool Hand Luke got a rose, but before the date ended, JoJo had one more surprise.  They went to a  Dan + Shay concert at the Palace in Allentown to slow dance in front of the audience.  I had to go an expert to figure out who Dan + Shay are:

Wags: Have you heard of Dan + Shay?

Brother Wags aka Little Wags: I have indeed.  They play solid, kind of Pop-esque country songs.

Wags: They were on the Bachelorette tonight.

Little Wags: Sell outs.  They're dead to me.   

Group Date: Harry Potter, Sweet Baby James, All 4 Wells, Damn Daniel, Chase Needs a Nickname, Jim-Gym, Vinny Barbarino, Ed Evan, Firefighter, QB4, and Robby

The guys went to Heinz Field, home of another notorious meathead, Ben Roethlisberger.  Big Ben, along with Hines Ward and Brett Keisel, put the guys through some football drills.    I wish Brett Keisel was on the show because he has a hairline that I can relate to.

My kind of guy

Back at the house, Marine Devito and Turd discussed their impending two-on-one date.  Turd says sometimes the only way to get someone to shut their mouth is to hit them.  Harrison better intervene before this gets ugly.

On the date, the guys played a 5-on-5 game.  In an unusual display of fairness, QB4 played all-time quarterback.  ED Evan got his second bloody nose of the night.  So sexy.

Shockingly, the team with ED Evan and Sweet Baby won the game.  It's a team sport, baby.  (GO WARRIORS!!!)

In the evening portion of the date, JoJo said that Robby is a "man."  I'd agree, except that he goes by "Robby."  C'mon Rob/Bob/Robert/Bert, grow up.  (Not enough "Berts" these days.)

QB4 got the date rose.

Two-on-One Date: Turd vs. Marine Devito

In preparation for the date, Turd called Devito a "whiny little bitch" and challenged him to go outside.    Turd said he would also find QB4 after the show and harm him.  Turd makes Sosa and McGwire's steroid use seem tame.  

Vinny Barbarino said the "notorious Chad" and the "notorious Alex" were going on dates.  When we need a nickname for Chase, we probably should not ask Barbarino.  

The date took the guys to the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.  The trio went on a hike to find the Blair Witch.  While in the forest, Fleiss and Co. made their all-time riskiest decision to give a machete to Turd and an axe to Marine Devito.  The Bachelorette's insurance agent must have been holding his or her breath.  

My real life handwriting may be worse than my digital handwriting.

Marine Devito outed Turd for threatening to physically harm the other guys.  Turd defended himself by saying that he has not hurt anyone, but has only threatened them.  He should hire an attorney to make all statements for him.  

Predictably, Turd confronted Marine Devito.  In a peculiar exchange, Turd said that it's too bad that life is not "all blueberries and paper airplanes."  Turd also said Marine Devito needed to chill out with a glass of milk because, "milk is delicious."  I can't disagree.  We then learned that Turd is also a Marine!  Who isn't a war veteran on this show?

Marine Devito got the date rose.  Hide the machete!  Turd is going home.  Like Turd always says, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.  

Turd walked through the forest to confront the guys back at the house.  

To be continued in two weeks, when we find out if Turd is actually the Blair Witch. 

The Bachelorette Episode 3: JoJo and the Meats

Hello from sunny South Florida as Dugan brings you the night 1 recap of a 2-night Bachelor special. I really don’t know how “special” this episode was, but I’ll try my best to capture the highlights before Tim brings you tonight's dramatic conclusion.

We wake up after last week’s rose ceremony and the house is a disaster, littered with Turd’s meat plates and shame. Look, Fleiss & Co. like to set up the same roles every season and they outdid themselves this year on the dickhead role. Lines in the sand have been drawn with the entire house on one side and Turd on the other with an occasional pep talk from Damn Daniel.

We have three dates with two boring One-on-Ones and a Group Date with enough action to make up for the dud dates.

JoJo, Chase, Angergasms and a Band No One’s Heard

Chase doesn’t have a nickname which is never a good omen. Chase gets a one-on-one yoga date with JoJo. I expected a calmer experience but was greeted with tantrums and angergasms. Is this normal yoga behavior?

Honestly, there really wasn’t much to write about this boring date. Chase’s parents divorced and he doesn’t want to make the same mistake. We hear a band no one knows and Chase earns the rose.  Moving forward, we are going out of order to bring you the second one-on-one simply to get it out of the way. 

Sweet Baby James and the Brian Setzer Orchestra

Sweet Baby James and JoJo learn to jump, jive an’ wail while James drops a sneaky contender for QOTN: “I’m just hoping JoJo is looking for a normal guy.” Solid work, normal guy. He explains that he was awkward growing up and doesn’t have much confidence in his looks. It’s another boring date that also garners a rose. 

Group Sex Talk with QB4, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, Jim Gym, Brother Daddy, Aladdin Ali, Damn Daniel, Saint Nick, ED Evan, Marine DeVito, Barbarino, and Turd

Predictable but a true classic from Salt-N-Pepa. The men are invited to a local community theatre where they detail their most embarrassing sex stories. Damn Daniel gives Turd the worst advice imaginable: Get your courage up with alcohol. Probably not a good idea considering who he was talking to.

Some highlights

• Firefighter Grant lost his virginity in a park and was arrested.
• Saint Nick knows his ABCs.
• QB4 detailed the importance of fluffing.
• Damn Daniel has some some major issues beyond befriending Turd.

ED Evan tops the rest with ease. He takes on the Turd with a searing take on steroids clearly directed at Turd. Turd does not approve and rips his shirt while passing to get on stage. He then falls flat when he tries to kiss JoJo but she deftly offers a cheek instead. 

ED Evan's Performance

Turd's Performance

The evening cocktail party was brought to you by the T-birds with JoJo, Barbarino, ED Evan, Firefighter Grant, and Ali all sporting leather jackets. 

Mostly this night becomes the ED Evan v. Turd show. Turd does drop some inside info saying ED Evan has 3 kids. This has not come out from EDE yet? We need more Evan backstory. Pastor turned ED specialist with three kids who may be on the wrong show...if you catch my drift. Regardless, Evan gets the rose and Turd is confused. To be fair, that’s likely a common feeling for Turd.

Chad's incredulity brought what would normally be the Dugan QOTN: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now…You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”

Back at the House

Harry Potter is scared for his life since he sleeps next to Turd. I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, but isn’t Harry Potter a wizard? He should be tougher. A Security Guard patrols the property in a high-letter yellow safety vest (WHY???) to protect the guys from Turd.

Damn Daniel decides it’s time to sit down with Turd.

DD: “Let’s just pretend your Hitler”

T:     “Let’s not say that”

DD:  “Let’s just pretend”

T:      “No”

DD: “Don’t be so much like Hitler, be more like Mussolini. Take it down a notch. Say your like Donald Trump…it doesn’t look good if I’m friends with you.”

I LOVE THIS SEASON. ED Evan turns to Chris Harrison to save him. Chris agrees to talk with Turd. Until tomorrow when we find out whether Chris’ efforts pay off. 

Save us, Chris.

Hint: they wont.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: JoJo and the Meats

Tonight presents commitment challenges.  Warriors game 7.  First Bachelorette post.  Sharks game 1. So You Think You Can Dance season premiere.  What is this fan of sports, the arts, and true love to do?  The answer: ice cream and whiskey!!!

My pick for the next pro sport Bachelor younger sibling:

Better family than the Rodgerses

I am especially enthusiastic about this season of the Bachelorette.  With possibly the most likable Bachelorette ever and some of the best nicknamed contestants already, we are in for a fun ride on Harrison's love boat.

The episode started off back at the bachelor house.  Chad the TURD started it off with a toast:

"To a beautiful girl.  A wonderful life.  F You all I'm going to make her my wife."  

Group Date: Cool Hand Luke, Firefighter Grant, Jersey Will, ED Evan, Damn Daniel, Vinny Barbarino, Aladdin Ali, Jim-Gym, All 4 Wells, and Robby.

Before JoJo arrived, Fleiss and Co. lit a limo on fire with some dynamite outside the mansion.  The men ran outside, and no one made a move to even find a hose.  The woman that might possibly be their future wife may have been burning, and no one did anything.  ED Evan remarked, "It's hot."  Firefighter Grant fought no fires.  Thankfully, the show will go on because it was just a stunt.  JoJo arrived on a fire truck and put out the fire.  

The first stop on the date was to the Fire Academy.  Poor Firefighter Grant.  This would be similar to Mrs. Dugan or Mrs. Wags taking us on a romantic trip back to the law library.  

Poor Radio DJ All 4Wells was not ready to take the physical challenge.  When Dugan and I had a radio show together in college (truth), we would have also needed oxygen if we had to compete in firefighter drills.

Back at the house, most of the men were singing songs about JoJo led by Sweet Baby James.  Mrs. Wags makes another great observation: "These guys are like a college acapella group."  Spot on.  TURD did not participate in the singing because he was busy eating a steak.  No joke.  

Thankfully (for his career, pride, and dignity) Firefighter Grant won the challenge.  Good for him.  (Firefighter Grant is my sneaky pick for the next Bachelor.)  

In the evening portion, JoJo started to like All 4 Wells, but I fell in LOVE with him.  A Radio DJ with a sense of humor and a bloodhound named "Carl?"   He's my favorite.  

Cool Hand Luke, in his first interaction with JoJo, explained that his last relationship was in 2013.  He is also ready to be vulnerable and open up.  This guy studied his Bachelor-required vocabulary before going on the show.  Well done, Cool Hand.  

All 4 Wells got the date rose.  

Solo Date: Harry Potter Derek

While Derek said he looked like Harry Potter, I think he might actually look more like a cross between Jim Halpert from the office and Aaron Rodgers.  

Always playing pranks on Dwight Shrute

The date started on a plane ride to San Francisco. ABC's Bachelorette budget is officially back!  Neil Lane's diamond will be at least 9 carats this year.

They had to make choices about what to do on their date.  Visit Mr. and Mrs. Wags or go to the Golden Gate Bridge?  We lost.  

Back at the house, TURD and Damn Daniel had a bro-chat about how girls need to watch out for the "nice guys."  They also discussed what type of protein shake all the others guys would be.  They seem like really cool guys.  

During the evening portion of the date, JoJo asked about Potter's last relationship.  He got a little choked up and said he has had a hard time "opening up" since then.  Is this a real thing?  Do 28 year old guys talk like this?  (Since Mrs. Wags and I have been together since 7th grade, it's pretty impressive that I have become an expert in analyzing a dating show.)

Potter got the rose.  

Group Date #2: QB4 Jordan, Brother Daddy Christian, Saint Nick, Sweet Baby James Taylor, Marine Devito Alex, and Chad TURD.  

The group date went to ESPN.  They were excited to see "the ESPN famous logo."  

JoJo, on the ESPN set, called Steph Curry a "pretty decent player."  I now consider JoJo "a pretty mediocre bachelorette."  

The guys were ranked by Marcellus Wiley (surprising Bachelor fan) and Max Kellerman after a series of challenges.  During one of the challenges, TURD called JoJo "naggy."   The other guys called out TURD.  TURD responded with raw, aggressive honesty, stating that she is not the first attractive girl he's ever seen and he does not know anything about her yet.  JoJo seemed to forget about the naggy comment and likes the TURD.  

Wiley deliver the QOTN: "You date Jordan, you have Aaron Rodgers coming over for Thanksgiving. That's some good turkey."

The rankings went Marine Devito in third, TURD ("he's so honest") in second, and Sweet Baby in first.  

In the evening segment, Sweet Baby said that a "smile is the only way to show on the outside what's on the inside."  It was so sweet that I almost believed it.  Body odor shows what's on the inside.  How about bad breath?  After I eat garlic fries, you definitely know what's on the inside. 

TURD seems to think that he knows what she wants: "a real man that tells it like it is."  

What TURD thinks JoJo wants.

What TURD thinks the other guys are like

TURD revealed that his mom recently died, but it is all okay because "life happens," and he has a really nice Maltie-poo dog that reminds him of his mom.  He is not only 'roided-out, but he also might be a sociopath.

Thankfully, Sweet Baby got the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, TURD had a few words and a kiss with JoJo.  The guys decided to confront TURD about his pre-rose ceremony convo with JoJo.  Marine Devito led the confrontation.  TURD laughed it off.  Marine Devito then delivered the WQOTN (Wags Quote of the Night): "This is now a house divided.  Winter is coming."  A Game of Thrones reference on the Bachelorette?!  My two favorite franchises combined.  

TURD told JoJo that he is "figureoutable."  Like Shakespeare created new words, so has TURD.

The guys once again confronted TURD, but he just walked away.  He described the confrontation like being surrounded by the Care Bears.  While he seems like a major jerk, he does make some pretty good points.  Why even engage with a guy like him?  The Care Bear Stare gets you nowhere.

Marine Devito and TURD are reaching a boiling point.

Joining All 4 Wells, Harry Potter Derek, and Sweet Baby James with roses was:

Marine Devito

Brother Daddy Christian

Bow Tie Robby

Cool Hand Luke

Chase

QB4 Jordan

Firefighter Grant

Aladdin Ali, Fabulous He, Ali Ababwa

Damn Daniel

Jim-Gym

Saint Nick

Vinny Barbarino

ED Evan (No way!)

TURD

Goodbye Superfan, Jersey Will, and Hipster.  

Until next week, with TWO episodes, and twice the TURDs.  

The Bachelorette: JoJo Trump's Search for a Running Mate

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends...

We're so glad you could attend...

Come inside! Come inside!...

Alas, we are back and Bachelor/ette blogging again. As usual, we try to separate ourselves from the other fodder available on the interwebs, For example, what other recaps began with Emerson, Lake & Palmer lyrics? None? I didn't think so. The first episode is always a harried event for the Bachelor/ette as they are dragged from one contestant to another while trying to become comfortable with their new role as the star of the show. JoJo is going to be a fantastic Bachelorette and surely will provide a season a little edgier than Gentle Ben's previous season.

Without further adieu, let's meet the men vying for JoJo before sharing the highlights of the premier episode.

Alex, aka Marine DeVito, 25 (5’7”) is a Marine from Oceanside, CA

Ali, aka Aladdin, 27 (5’8”) is a Bartender from Santa Monica, CA

Brandon, aka Hipster, 28 (6’4”) is, coincidentally, a Hipster from California. Note – being a Hipster is not a job.

Chad, aka Tulsa Realty Developer or TURD, 28 (6’2”) is in the luxury real estate market of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Note for those following at home: the median sales price for homes in Tulsa for Feb 19 to May 18 was $102,000 based on 9 home sales.

Chase, 27 (6’3”) is a Medical Sales Rep, from Highlands Ranch Co. Bio Note. Loves Ace Ventura. Great taste, Chase.

Christian, aka Brother Daddy, 26 (5’11”) is a Telecom Consultant from LA.

Coley, 27 (6’2”), is a Real Estate Consultant from Chicago.

Derek, aka Harry Potter, 29 (6’3”), is a Commercial Banker from Fort Lauderdale.

Daniel, aka Damn Daniel, 31 (6’1”) is a Canadian from Vancouver. Note One: being Canadian is not a job. Bio Note Two Tattoos: No — “same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.”

Evan, aka ED Evan, 33 (5’11”) is a former pastor turned Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – Wait? Is that a career move we want people to make? - from Nashville. Bio Note that makes no sense: “Which U.S. City is the most romantic to you and why? NYC, because the restaurants all make you want to fall in love.”

Grant, aka Firefighter Grant, 29 (6’2”), is a firefighter from San Francisco.

Jake, 27 (6’1”) is a Landscape Architect from Cally.

James F., aka Jim-Gym, 34 (6’2”) is a Boxing Club Owner from Nashville.

James S., aka Superfan, 27 (6’1”), is a Bachelor Superfan. Note One. That’s not a career. Bio Note Two: What’s the closet you have every come to being married? It was to my girlfriend of seven years. We talked about a ring and family, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Seven years? How much of that were they long distance? I need to know more about this relationship.

James Taylor, aka Sweet Baby James, 29 (6’3”) is a singer songwriter from Katy, TX.

Jonathan, aka Jackie Chan, 29 (6’1”) is a Tech Sales Rep from Vancouver.

Jordan, aka QB4, 27 (6’2”), is a former NFL QB and that is being very generous. Jordan discusses his NFL Career with three teams. Let’s mosey on over to Wikipedia: “He was signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars as an undrafted free agent after the 2013 NFL Draft.^[5] He was released on July 22, 2013.^[6] The Tampa Bay Buccaneers signed Rodgers to the team's practice squad on October 7, 2013 after releasing quarterback Josh Freeman. He remained on the practice squad for the remainder of the season as Mike Glennon became the starter and Dan Orlovsky the backup.^[7] Jordan was cut by the Buccaneers on February 10, 2014. On April 3, 2014, Rodgers was signed by the Miami Dolphins. Jordan was cut by the Dolphins on May 12, 2014.”

Luke, aka Cool Hand Luke, 31 (6’1”) is a War Veteran from Burnet, Texas.

Nick B., aka Santa, 33 (6’1”) is an Electrical Engineer from the North Pole. Bio Note. “What is your favorite magazine? Ducks Unlimited.” Huh?

Nick S., 26 (6’1”) is a Software Sales Rep from San Fran. Bio Note: What foods do you most dislike? Scary cheeses. Oh?

Peter, 26 (5’11”) is a Staffing Agency Manager from Chicago.

Robby, 27 (6’1”) is a Former Competitive Swimmer from Jacksonville, Fl. Bio Note. Is that a job?

Sal, 28 (6’2”) is an Operations Manager from Fort Lauderdale, Fl.

Vinny, aka Barbarino, 28 (6’) is a Barber from Delray, Fl. Bio Note: Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Use turkey meat. I need more context.

Wells, aka All 4 Wells, 31 (6’) is a Radio DJ from Nashville.

Will, aka Jersey Will, 26 (6’2.5”) is a Civil Engineer, from Jersey City, NJ. Note One. Jersey City is the homebase of the Maternal Dugan family. Bio Note Two. He is the only guy to use a half inch. 6’2” is tall enough that the .5 inch seems very awkward upon which to insist. Bio Note Three – especially for the Hildbolds. Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Name Concerns Unfounded

As our readers know, Tim and I keep getting older but the contestants on the Bachelor/ette stay the same age. ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! 

We are the Wooderson of Bachelor Bloggers

Nevertheless, I had a point to make. Are these guys millennials? I was worried about the guys actual names expecting the Deemers, Hamptons, Coltons of the world? There are people in this world that name their kids as such. See link. I was surprised to see the relative normalcy of the names. Hat tip to Chase, Coley and Wells…but most are respectable names. Professions? That’s another story.

JoJo's Backstory 

JoJo explains the days and weeks following the breakup with Ben were difficult. I’m guessing days is more accurate. Former Bachelorettes Dez, Caitlyn and Ally show up to lend advice. The most interesting parts of the show are when honesty creeps into this scripted mess. Ally was honest and admitted she fell for Roberto's looks and didn't concentrate on much else. The girls warned JoJo to look for love and not lust.

Pre-Limo Intro and Pun Time

Dugan is a sucker for puns and Fleiss & Co. never disappoint. The cheesier the better. Firefighter Grant is shown with the ubiquitous Coit Tower shot explaining "I’m hoping that JoJo’s the one that lights my fire.”

QB4 is ready to make love a priority and "I’m hoping I’m gonna be JoJo’s #1 draft pick." 

ED Evan helps guys get their member moving but he's going to be just fine because "I've got my mojo for JoJo." 

That was a pun time.

First Night Highlights

• Marine DeVito lives up to his Napoleon roots and grabs her first for some one-on-one time and push-ups.
• Harry Potter explains how he used to look like...you guessed it, Harry Potter.
• Mrs. Dugan calls QB4 as the next Bachelor.
• QB4's use of "retire" is similar to his use of "career." Generous.
• Jersey Will uses an origami fortune teller to gain an awkward kiss but I am saving Jersey Will as a dark horse pick to go far, 
• A personal favorite of my episode was Santa nonchalantly talking to Aladdin. What doesn't this show bring its viewers?
• Turd is the bad guy. We get it.
• Damn Daniel poked ED Evan in the belly button. Why?
• Nick and Barbarino drank too much and interrupted JoJo giving interviews to producers.
• Everyone is getting drunk and leading to great interactions: "Cheers to you Bro” “Cheers to Rock n Roll”

First Impression and the Rose Ceremony

QB4 avoids the pressure and escapes with the first rose of the night. Joining him in week two...

Cool Hand Luke

All 4 Wells

Sweet Baby James

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter

Brother Daddy 

Turd

Chase

Marine DeVito

Robby

Hipster 

Jim-Gym

Aladdin

Santa

Barbarino

Jersey Will 

Superfan 

ED Evan

Damn Daniel

Goodbye Jackie Chan, Coley, Peter, Jake, Nick S., and Sal.

As before, the usual caveats apply. The nicknames are not set in stone and I welcome suggested revisions. 

Come inside, the show's about to start

guaranteed to blow your head apart

Rest assured you'll get your money's worth

The greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth.

You've got to see the show, it's a dynamo.

You've got to see the show, it's rock and roll ....

The Bachelor Finale: Two Months Late

I will never write this finale recap in a proper form, so I present to you, my unedited notes from when I watched the show.  Now our loyal fans get to see how the sausage is made...

Will he choose Lauren, or JoJo, or Neil

3 hours.  Jesus H.

Lb big favorite in the crowd.

Neil Lane is in the house!!!!  And so is Ben's pastor.

These ladies wear some small jean shorts. It's like an 80s Rock video.  But the shirts look like a renaissance faire

So many solo videos.

Most indecisive finale ever.

Ben's mom's facial expressions are the best.

lb meets ben's parents.
You have to be a moron to go on this show.  Like a real idiot. Low iq
Ben's mom referenced the "last show"
Ben is "seemingly perfect". Oh boy.
Lb holding hands. Never held my in laws hands, and I've known them for 19 years
Ben obviously wants to be an actor

Jojo meets the parents
Describing their date on Vegas.  And a helicopter ride
Is she more genuine?  She just seems smarter.
Jojo is front runner

Dad says jojo considers Ben her best friend.

Sneaky religious talk.

Ben's pastor just sits there reading the bible.

Last Date Lb
Always on a catamaran.
Haven't been tested with Lauren.
Not a lot of reciprocation from Ben
"No matter what happens, you've made me a better person"

Last date trump
Seems way more into her
Best rship trump has ever been in
Very non commital
Feeling so much happiness and fear.
Ben confessed to telling lb he loves her.  Good call.

Neil lane!!
Introduces himself
Ben still doesn't know. Neil is shocked and appalled.  Even Neil can't handle this bullshit.
Hope diamond
The ring offered clarity. "I know who it is."
One big Kay advertisement.

No limos in Jamaica. Only helicopters.

Trump was first out of the helicopter

Thought she was going to pass out.
I had it all wrong

Difficult to put on a suit with a wireless microphone pack in the rear end

Phone call to mr bushnell to ask permission. Wish he was calling Juan Pablo. Or pavelka.