Breaking News: Jason and Molly Sell Out

We've all been so wrapped up in the current season of the Bachelor with riveting drama, recycled plots and refreshed love of Chris Harrison. How great was the part of The Ladies Tell All when we got a glimpse of Chris seranading Jake with "On the Wings of Love"? It's endearing that Chris, the host of the show, might mock it more than any of us.

So, while we have been absorbed by Jake's season the past seasons have faded into the background. Until this morning when I learned of Jason and Molly's big news. Those in the know (and who follow the E! News ticker more closely than the NYT) will not be surprised. Molly and Jason wed on Saturday, February 27 with ABC as the maid-of-honor and best-man. This event is to be aired on March 8. Set your DVRs and consider this a small token from ABC to help with the post-Bachelor depression that will inevitably set in after tomorrow night's episode.

Roz goes Kim K.

No word on who is playing the part of Ray J but I can only hope that Roz and her man both end up on more reality TV shows.  How about Roz for Bachelorette?  She's got her audition tape ready.

Thank you to Milly Philly who always comes up with some good Bachelor gossip to pass on to her friends at WWT. 

The Bachelor: Women Tell All (about Rozlyn)

The night began as it normally does in the Dugan Household, with the DVR diligently recording the Bachelor as I watch some other shows to satisfy man code (foreshadowing a Juan appearance later in blog).  And wow, was that pairs ice dancing something to watch.  The Russians received a medal, as they have every year  ice dancing has been a recognized Olympic sport, edging the Americans for Bronze as the Canadians were triumphant on home ice.  Thrilling!

Ali's Time to Explain

Then the power surged in the Dugan household.  Uh oh. DirecTV takes a while to cycle through and I ran to the supplemental tv to turn on Comcast in order to not miss a thing on the Bachelor: Women Tell All.  So, we began our viewing roughly an hour into the program with Ali's heartfelt interview with Chris Harrison. Ali blames her fears for leaving the show, explaining that she was scared of being heartbroken, mounting bills, etc.  Ali even took the high road when discussing rival Vienna with a shout-out to her rough tabloid coverage.  Ali let out a bombshell that I think was glossed over:

"If I know what I know now...I would have stayed."

What the hell happens on the finale?  Or after the Final Rose? As Jake told Kevin Fraser, we are about to get some more drama in the next couple weeks.

Elizabeth, this season's "Tori Spelling" candidate


Chris Harrison calls Elizabeth the ultimate game player and wants to find out why she played the no kissie-face game.  Who cares, after Jake drops the second bombshell of the show (perhaps not linearly due to FPL issues). Jake says he respected Tori because he had friends whose first kiss was at their wedding.  First kiss? Wedding? Is this really done? Does Jake live in Kabul, Texas? Dugan is flabbergasted.  As Jake explains that games have ruined more relationships than he would like to remember, Mrs. Dugan and I tried to think of the games Jake was alluding to...I voted Tiddly Winks, Mrs. D went with hide and seek, any thoughts from the WWT fans?

And yes, that is a link to the North American Tiddly Winks Association.  If the 15 followers of this blog click on that link, we could shut their massive server down.

Bachelor goes Real World/Road Rules on us


As has been discussed numerous times, we believe people go on the show as contestants (1 of the 25) to eventually become the one choosing.  But it turns out, people go on the show just to get into the Bachelor Reunion parties.  We got to see the old gang of favorites including No Job Rob still mixing up drinks, Erica still judging, Blond Natalie from Mesnick's season still thinking highly of herself, Kiptyn who thinks he could have kept Rozlyn's interest and a great quote from Wes: "I've kind of had my fair share of hot chicks..."

Bachelor goes United Way on us


Next, the women tell all shows how much the Bachelor cares by having former contestants chip in time and effort with local charities.  The kids from Vine Street Elementary (which this review from Yelp says is "OK" and is hampered by having to translate everything into that damn Spanish) helped paint lifeguard stands.  Mrs. Dugan and I thought that the kids were having fun but confused by who the hell they were painting with. Where are people we know like Kobe or Shaq?

Wags was not feeling sorry for the kids. These were the luckiest kids in the United States.  They might as well all be cancer kids on a "Make a Wish Foundation" outing.  They got to hang out with Breakdancing Michael. I also think DeAnna is questionably racist.  She called every little boy in there Carlos.  That's pretty dick, DeAnna.

And Juan proved his man-card by handing out food with only female bachelorettes.  And now comes the real question, who has fewer male friends, Juan or Jake?

Gia/Michelle


Gia regrets not telling Jake her true feelings.  You don't say?

I missed Crazy Eyes' segment due to FPL so please feel free to help out in the comments section.

Rozlyn's a Bad Liar


How much money do we think Rozlyn received to be part of the Women Tell All episode?  After being called out by Gia, Ashleigh, Jessie and fellow Moms Ella and Valishia, Rozlyn denies all and says they didn't see what they saw. Chris Harrison compares Roz' lies to his son's fairytales about unicorns - a classic - and recommends "the simplest story is the truth."

Gia makes an obvious point by telling Rozlyn that she could have just admitted she had feelings for producer X, aka Ryan Callahan pictured below in traditional New Zealand garb, and everyone would have understood.  Instead, Rozlyn stood her ground and called all the women liars...

and then goes after our fearless leader, Chris Harrison.  Roz alludes to Chris making passes at Ryan's wife while in New Zealand and Chris wisely does not dignify her with a response.  What could have been a beautiful love story has turned caddy and tragic.  Much like in pairs ice dancing when a fall is blamed on one partner and ruins the rest of the routine...

Next week is the finale...and you'll be back in the safe hands of Wags.

For those that miss Crazy Eyes.

The Bachelor Episode 7: It's Still Hard to Believe Jake is the Bachelor

Welcome to the Jake fantasy date show (yuck). This week's show started with a look back at how love blossomed with the three finalists. A recap, if you will. Liz and I were graciously hosted by our friends in Sausalito, Erin and Eric. Erin astutely noticed that Vienna was wearing a locket on the first episode. The locket was open. It obviously had a picture of...wait for it...JAKE. Psycho much? If the rumors are true that Vienna wins this whole thing, this could be one of the largest lapses in judgment since Brad the Twin chose no one. On to the summary (and direct plagiarism of Dugan's format from last week's summary):

Date #1 - Gia and the Whitest Dude in America

Jake and Gia ventured to a slightly more "urban" part of St. Lucia. After Jake bought a really cool choker pukka shell necklace (and by cool, I mean cool for a sophomore at an all-guys high school...I didn't have one of those...yes I did). Then Jake started dancing with Gia next to a street musician. This was alarming. Jake is not going to be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. His performance makes me really happy that I named all of my fantasy baseball teams the Dancing Pavelkas (yeah, you read that right..."all of my fantasy baseball teams"...I only have three). Gia suffered from the Bachelor/ette curse of not "letting him know" how much she cares until it was too late. Gia also suffered in the media this week. Her romances with professional baseball players and hockey players along with her Heidi Montag-esque love of plastic surgery did her no favors in the court of public opinion.


Date #2 - Tenley and the Black Sand Beach


Tenley, the crowd-favorite at this point, had her date start out with another helicopter ride up on the helicopter blades of love. Tenley once again worries about being cheated on. Let me be the first to assure you Tenley, Jake is not going to cheat on you. He's perfect...remember? Jake and Tenley proceeded to a black sand beach (Tenley's first time!). They sat on the beach and had the most meaningless conversation about love. I had to ask multiple times, "What the hell are they talking about?" This platitude-filled conversation only confirmed that Tenley and Jake are perfect for each other. Tenley danced with Jake again with some flamenco music in the background. Flamenco music and the Bachelor go together like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Tenley then nervously accepts the fantasy suite invite because she's a born-again virgin or something like that. She delivered my favorite line of the night when she said, "I absolutely (pause) cannot wait (pause) to (pause) watch our first sunrise together." I wasn't sure where she was headed with that one, but in hindsight, I wouldn't have expected anything else from the Little Mermaid.


Date #3 - Vienna and the Pirate Patch


In an effort at cross-promotion, Vienna and Jake went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. Proving that he had a dysfunctional childhood, Jake put on a pirate eye patch and then closed the uncovered eye. Vienna told him that he had to open the other eye, silly! Jake is so strange. I can't wait for my prediction that Jake has no guy friends to come true. On this date, Jake wanted to make sure "it's not just sexual" with Vienna. Do you think they've even had sex? I highly doubt it. Jake should really want to make sure that Vienna isn't going to divorce him and take half his money. At the end of their date, Jake informs Vienna that she should be aware that he has "fallen for two other women." I appreciate Jake's honesty throughout this process, but sometimes you should just shut the hell up. I can't believe that Vienna is going to win the whole thing.


Wrap Up - This is Getting to Be Too Easy


Before the rose ceremony, Ali called to see if Jake would let her come back. This is getting to be very embarrassing for Ali. One of her equally fake blond Marina-girlfriends needs to remind her that it's freaking JAKE that she's broken up about. Jake rejects her in scripted fashion by saying "you drove away with a piece of my heart." What a goober this guy is.


I once again predicted the exact order of the rose distribution. Gia got the boot and had to go out to the reject-bench (it looks like the same bench every season - Eric figured that it must get passed around like the Stanley Cup). Jake gives Gia one last neck/shoulder kiss and it was back to the group hugs inside. Until next week, when Dugan takes over the summary.

Hurricane Jersey Shore coming to the land of Dugan

Hit MTV show Jersey Shore is looking at Miami Beach locations to film the second season.  I'll be reaching out to locals and bringing our fans the inside information they have grown to expect.

NewTimes magazine has come up with ten story lines for the show to explore this spring.  The best include Snickers as Tony Montana in Snookface or getting arrested with locals.

We Watch TV Celebrity Sighting

Tonight was a blog-relevant celebrity sighting!

As we were leaving the gym, we looked to our right and saw this week's Bachelor dropout and San Francisco resident, Ali!

It's always interesting when you see celebrities in person and you realize how normal they are. Liz pointed out that she looks like every other girl in our neighborhood. Liz also said she wasn't even the prettiest girl in the gym. In the spirit of Valentine's Day and true love, I told Liz that she was the prettiest girl in the gym.

For those of you who are curious, Liz and I thought she seemed a little taller than expected. She was probably about 5'8". She also wasn't ano-thin, which was nice to see. I guess in HD, the TV neither adds nor subtracts 10 pounds.

What an exciting past couple nights! Ali from the Bachelor and Evil Clare on Lost.

The Bachelor, Episode VI: Jake explains the meaning of life.

It's hometown date time and the Boss explains it best.



We have had some memorable hometown dates in recent years, most likely topped by the bird burial at Naomi's house, followed by Mellisa's parents' lack of interest in meeting Jason. And its where America fell in love with a Canadian, Jillian.  As Jake talked about the importance of the hometown dates while packing, the camera panned out and showed Jake in shorts walking down the hallway of the hotel. As, fans of Coach Schnellenberger know, the knees are a man's vagina and should only be shown when a man means business. So let's get to business.

OctoJolie in the Big Apple

Gia takes Jake on a cruise around the city and they quickly discuss her insecurities - which is becoming a broken record.  Mrs. Dugan's magazines explains she is used to dating major league baseball and hockey athletes, so her security level with Jake should be at an all time high. As Octo goes on and on about her ex's, Jake begins to grow uncomfortable as he realizes he could be walking into a Sopranos style family dinner.  Luckily, only Dr. Melfi showed up to play Donna, Octo's mom.

And a reject from the Jersey Shore was there to play step-brother Erick.  He explains his sister will not get hurt again and doesn't want to "hunt you down and break a few legs..."  As the dinner table chuckles, Erick continues creepily, "and that's fine that you laugh."  How did this guy not get on the Shore???  The date ends with Mom taking the Octo aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.

Ali in Mass


Ali welcomes Jake to Massachusetts on a picturesque fall day.  The camera crew obsesses with shots of benches while Ali talks about childhood memories of catching falling leaves.  Jake comes to the rescue and shakes the fuck out of a tree limb so she can catch a leaf.  Ali begrudgingly plays along making a wish for her prince charming once she is the Bachelorette.  Then we find out that Ali's last name is Bates and she shared a quaint home with her mother-like figure who has passed.  Then produces pan up and show the home.

So, we know this episode should end well for Ali and Jake.  Jake thanks her for the intimate evening and the Dugan household and guests (Allyson and Erik) have a short discussion on the difference of the word "intimate" between the Bachelor and Jersey Shore.  Ali brings Jake back to her mom to meet the family and Jake asks Ali's mom for her daughter's hand in marriage. She consents.

Then, the moment of the episode happened.  Each episode has a classic moment and it happened when Ali and Jake had a romantic setting outside her home.  Ali looks good and is showing a little skin whereas Jake is wrapped up in a ridiculous scarf and gloves.  He looks ready to run the Iditarod.  They decide to passionately kiss and Jake takes time to remove his gloves so he can grab Ali's face. Cut to one of them talking about the special moment.  Cut back and Jake has his gloves back on.  So........they are going at it and Jake complains about cold hands and takes a timeout to get his gloves back on?  A classic.  The date ends with Mom taking Ali aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.

Tenley in Oregon

As my friend Erik is watching his first episode of the Bachelor, he asks "Does ABC make them run at each other?"  I don't know and I don't care, but I do love the awkwardness.  Jake still has his scarf wrapped tight from Ali's date.  They have a nice chat about who will be wearing the pants in the family and then Katie Morgan wants to dance for Jake.  I tried to get a picture of Katie Morgan to show the blog faithful how much she looks like Tenley, and while google image searches for Katie Morgan can produce interesting results, I did not feel they were blog appropriate.  Jake is not only Patrick Bateman.  He is not only the kid from Big.  He is also Mike Newhouse from Dazed and Confused.

And Tenley let's him explore his inner dancer as she performs a routine to a wedding march song.  Hint hint.  Tenley's family was understandably concerned with her rough year and it was on this hometown date where I became convinced that ABC uses cue cards for the family to read from.  Jake asked Robert for his daughter's hand in marriage even though Katie's mom said that Katie was prone to "emotional spillovers." Those sound fun to deal with. The date ends with Mom taking Katie aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.

Vienna in Florida

Vienna and Jake stroll through a lovely swamp like setting the night after the Super Bowl showed Florida in all its glitz and glamor glory.  Thank you, ABC, from the Chamber of Commerce.  Despite what looked like a great set up, it was a pretty ho-hum hometown for Vienna explaining "this time I get married, I'm gonna take it seriously."  The family defends Vienna against the other jealous girls and dad explains that with Vienna, "the kids will be raised right."  That's odd.  I feel the exact opposite about Vienna's potential parenting skills than her father. The date ends with Dad taking Vienna aside and explaining that he has a good feeling about the two of them.

Back in LA

All blog faithful know that Ali has to make her exit to prepare for the Bachelorette.  She has to go out on gut-wrenching terms to have America root for her next season. With that being said, she has to make the E.D. choice of work or love.  Since she's clearly not in love, it was an easy choice.  But she tried to sell it as best she could.  I theorized that Ali works at a Subway sandwich shop and they were going to cut her lunch hours which make the best tips.  She couldn't chance that to try for love with Jake.  

Jake tries his best - which wasn't very good.  He explains that "life is about minimizing your regrets."  It is? That is the meaning of life?!!?!  I was hoping for something so profound and for it to come from someone other than Jake Pavelka.  He continues that he will not guarantee a ring but pleads "take a chance on me." Now everybody all together now...

Blog guest Allyson points out that Ali is already in work clothes but I didn't notice the Five Dollar Footlong apron.  Jake sticks his foot in his mouth with "whatever you decide is ok."  No, it's not.  Because Ali was the best girl left.  Now you are left with Hooters waitress Vienna, jock sniffer OctoJolie, and "dancer" Katie Morgan.

The rose ceremony was cancelled and we didn't get Dugan's favorite line from Chris Harrison.  Next week, Wags picks us up in the Caribbean for some overnight action.

Big Night Tonight!

Hopefully we'll get to see Jake wear his Dark Helmet and take some motorcycle rides on the hometown dates.

Inspiration from Television

I know that title could sound a little dramatic, or pathetic, or both. But reserve your judgment because I'm only talking about inspiration within the context of reality television. (judgment? hah, who are we kidding, YOU are the one reading an amateur blog about the Bachelor for crying out loud!)

Last night was quite a television watching evening. This blog title is no joke, friends. As we patiently waited to see if my latest vegetarian culinary venture would be a delicious success or disastrous inedible fail, we knew there was some time to kill before the Bachelor would be DVR-ready. You know, the usual 10 minute delay for Community or 30 Rock, 20 minute delay for Grey's Anatomy or ...40 minute delay for the Bachelor. We carefully scrolled through the DVR recordings to find something worthy of our time. Jackpot: new episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Better than Christmas, but what do I know? So our evening progressed wonderfully with the Kardashian girls (sorry Bruce) closely followed by Jake Pavelka, Chris Harrison, "the ladies" et al and THIS is where things get interesting. The inspired idea you've been patiently reading for ... reality TV mash-ups. Hello! OK, now that I've written my thought down, I'll admit it sucks. I can't figure out why I thought it would be cool last night, or this morning as I'm still thinking about it. That's so lame. But maybe I'm going somewhere with this ....

Like a song mash-up uses a solid background from one song, we would need to decide which show's format would be primary and then the other would get mixed in. So, it could look something like this: Real World/Road Rules Challenge premise, Bachelor contestants vs. Kardashians. Nope, still stupid. I blame this all on the Brokeback Mountain mash-up our spinning instructor played on Saturday. Messed me up! Crying in spinning class ... I can't quit you. Damn.

Bummer. Well, Tim's wonderful show recap is below and dinner was mildly more successful than this post. If I have any other terrible or stupid ideas ... you know where to find them!

The Bachelor Episode 5: Home Sweet Home

This week's episode of On the Wings of Love brought us to the end of a fantastic RV journey. The girls and Jake arrived in the fair city of San Francisco. This episode became very personal because I live in San Francisco, and contributor Dugan and his bride honeymooned in SF. When the group arrived in San Francisco, they checked in to the Mark Hopkins Hotel (across the street from where the Dugans stayed on their honeymoon!). Love was obviously in the air.

The first group date belonged to Tenley. Tenley's date was a trip around the city. We quickly got more confirmation that there are certain elements of the Bachelor that are fake (gasp!). Tenley and Jake rode on a private cable car...on wheels. Then they waltzed through Chinatown...with no people in it. They must have been there at the crack of dawn.

The camera cut away at one point of the date to see what the girls were doing back at the hotel. Ali and Vienna almost came to blows, with Ali telling Vienna that she "sucks at life." That saying holds a special place in my heart. The producers must have also enjoyed this catfight bubbling over into direct conflict.

Vienna and Gia had my favorite date of the show at a winery in Napa that has a castle theme. According to Wikipedia, the winery opened in 2007 and has a real torture chamber. According to Sir Jake, the castle is "12th century Tuscan." On this date, Vienna once again hogged all the attention. I feel like we're getting to know Jake a little better and it appears that he is just about done with her childish behavior. He proved this later on the date when he kicked her out of bed. Ouch. Vienna is clearly only hanging on by a producer's thread. Gia came out looking like the star of this date. She told Sir Jake about how unchivalrous it is to put all the girls' legs on his lap because she thought that was "their thing." Gia plays it cool as the date goes on and is a lock to move on to the next round.

Corrie got the next date. She got to go to the "Science Center" aka the California Academy of Sciences. We found out that Corrie is a virgin. Surprisingly for Sir Jake of the Tuscan Roundtable, he doesn't appear to like this news. On their boat trip in Golden Gate Park, Jake can't even bring himself to kiss Corrie because he needs to go "80%" of the way and the girl needs to go the other 20. The producers ask Corrie for her kiss-ratio breakdown and she says the guy must go 90% of the way. Ouch. Looks like Jake and Corrie hit that unfortunate 10% gray area. (I'd like to apologize to all fans of the blog for taking this timeout to do some kiss-calculus, but I have to prove to my parents that those AP classes were worth it).

Ali, the final one-on-one date, got to take Jake around SF and plan the date. Ali must live down the street from Liz and me because all of the date occurred right down the street from us. Flower shop on Union: been there. Ottimista for breakfast: check. Marina Green to walk on the beach: holler. Ali took the high road on this date and didn't talk trash about Vienna. This will definitely help Ali in her quest to be the next Bachelorette. My favorite moment of the date was when Ali ruined an expensive pair of boots by running into the ocean with Jake in an effort at false spontaneity. Leave the 50 degree ocean diving to the Golden Retrievers chasing tennis balls.

The rose ceremony was overly predictable. Not only did I pick the four who would be chosen, but I correctly chose the order the roses would be given out. The most unpredictable part of the rose ceremony was Vienna's hair. I figure the only thing she could have told the stylist was to give her something that looks like Donald Trump. Ouch.

Virgin Corrie went home, but was lucky enough to get the back-of-the-limo interview. Until next week, when we get to see what the hometowns are like and which fathers carry guns (Vienna's).