The Bachelorette Finale 1 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

We begin with Des giving the run down on the final three:

• Straight Drew
• Warrior Baseball Poet Chris
• Hockey Hair Brooks

Where is Antigua in relation to your blogging authors? Too far from Wags to even mention.

Drew’s Fast Forward Fantasy Date

Drew and Desiree drive around Antigua taking in the sights and dancing with the locals. The enjoy maracas (who doesn’t?), limbo and a palm frond matchmaker. The dinner/bond fire got rained out and they fast forward to the fantasy suite portion of their night. This is a new dimension to fantasy suites. It’s like they took a shortcut ala the Gumdrop Pass.

Or should I say Rainbow Trail? Get it, Drew? We all do. Quote of the night material: “I just want to give him the world.” Well then, Des. Let’s turn out the lights and let you two get to it.

Hockey Hair Brooks in Utah

We get a sneak peek to upcoming drama with Brooks’ detour to Utah for a pep talk with Mom and Sis. Basically, Brooks likes Des but is feeling the pressure from Fleiss & Co. Liking the girl is not enough. You must propose.

Chris Back in Antigua

We get the obligatory helicopter action and beach hanky panky. Mrs. Dugan gives her traditional eye-roll during the beach make out session. Mrs. Dugan really gets upset at staged nonsense in the sand more than the other staged nonsense that goes on. Why? I have no idea.

Dinner talk includes Des’ willingness to move to Seattle. Des is willing to make things work. Seattle isn’t that bad, what if Chris lived in North Korea?

During the fantasy suite portion of the night, Baseball’s Warrior Poet drops his latest verse:

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bachelor men that day:
The score stood two guys to one, with but one date more to play.
And then when Shirtless Zak died at first, and James did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Brooks could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Brooks at the bat.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Bachelorville - mighty Brooks has struck out.

Brooks sits down with Harrison/Des

Here’s the lowdown. Hockey Hair isn’t feeling it. And he makes a pretty strong point. If Brooks doesn’t feel it amid the puppy dogs and champagne of Bachelor/ette manufactured romance, he doesn’t think its coming. But when Brooks explains the situation to Des, she surprises him by expressing her love.

Brooks: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Des: “I couldn’t.”

I THOUGHT FLEISS & CO WERE HERE TO CREATE TRUE LOVE…NOT DESTROY IT.

This ending with Brooks is making for an awkward finale. Brooks brings the melodrama with his “worst day of my life” bullshit. Really, Brooks? Really? Being flown to Antigua on a free vacation to dump a girl on a reality show is the worst day of your life?

Go to Mogadishu and bitch to Somalians about your life. Until next week with Wags’ write-up.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Say Yes to the Des

It's Monday night!  You know what time it is.  It's time for whiskey and ice cream.  While I have the usual simple whiskey cocktail, I also am eating Mrs. Wags' homemade peach ice cream.  When I say ICE, you say CREAM.  ICE....CREAM.   ICE....CREAM.  I can almost hear you at home, I'm so excited.

Okay sugar.  Let's start the episode.  It's hometown date week.  We're back in the United States after a worldwide (i.e. Germany, Spain, Portugal) tour.

Dallas with Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak started his date with...a shirt.  How disappointing.  He has a reputation, and nickname, to live up to.  At least he looked as orange as usual.

Zak apparently dropped acid before his date.  He told Des about a dream where he and Des were on the beach.  They melted into the sand.  Then it started snowing.

Zak is the color of much of Dali's paint

The LSDream turned out to foreshadow Zak's family business: sno-cones.  Zak then put on a penguin costume to advertise the sno-cone truck.

I just re-read those last three paragraphs.  Am I on drugs?  Did Mrs. Wags spike my ice cream?  Is this real life?

The date continued with dinner at Zak's family's house (all wearing shirts...but who knows what the dessert course might hold?).  Zak's family was unexpectedly normal.  They sang a song together and all sounded like they could be on The Voice.   I guess they're just a very talented family.

Zak ended the date by giving Des a promise ring and saying he loved her.  Though Zak probably does not stand a chance of winning this thing, he made a strong push for next-Bachelor on this episode.

Scottsdale with Drew Who

Drew is taking Des to his Mom's house.  It will be the first time his Dad has ever been there.  Is this the proper venue for this kind of family reunion?

(Interesting sidenote: Mrs. Wags just asked me, "What's this guy's name?"  Yes, it's Drew Who?)

Drew took Des to meet his severely disabled sister.  This is intense.  I'm impressed with how well Des handled it, especially when his sister flipped Des's hair.  I thought a fight was about to break out.

At the family house, Drew's Dad asked if Des believes in angels.  "Yes," she quickly replied.  Well have you ever met one?  "Uh...I haven't."  You have met an angel now.  Drew's disabled sister.  Once again, well handled by Des.  That was not an easy line of questioning.

Drew's father's name is Malachi.  I can't decide if I think that's a really badass name or if I'm a little scared of it.

The date ended with Drew looking like he could win it all (even though I'm still not convinced that women are right for Drew).

Oregon with Chris

The third date was with Chris, the only remaining guy without a nickname.  If our past experiences on this blog are any indication, you have no chance of winning the Bachelor(ette) unless we've given you a nickname.

Chris took Des to a baseball field.  Des proved to be pretty decent, backing up her outdoorsy/athletic image that Fleiss and Co. have been pushing on us since day one.

Don't call her, maybe.  

But feel free to call her, Maeby.

At the dinner with Chris's family, Dr. Chris's Dad, a chiropractor, took Des to his home office and adjusted her back.  I loved that he had to put on his white doctor's coat and name tag to do some home procedures.  He's a consummate professional.

After treating Des, Chris stepped up to the plate (see what I did there?). Dr. Chris's Dad gave him a nose adjustment by shoving an air pump up his nose.  This date is turning into a terrible advertisement for chiropractors.

While Des conversed with Chris's weird Mom, Chris's siblings told him how much they disliked his ex-girlfriend.

The date ended poemless.  Chris does not seem like he's going to win it all.

Salt Lake City with Hockey Hair Brooks

Brooks started off the date by letting the audience know that he's "not sure how he feels about Des."

They started by taking out a row boat. Snooze.  There's nothing interesting about rowing.  Trust me on this one.

Brooks then took Des to meet his giant family.  All twenty of them wore name tags.  How very polite.

Brooks's brothers(?) then asked him a bunch of romantic, yet tough questions about whether he actually loves Des.  He did not actually answer any of the questions.  Brooks really seems to be struggling with this process.

Back in LA with Nate

Nasty Nate is Des's brother.  He's a royal jerk that got her kicked off the show last year.  If you just started watching the show this season, shame on you.  Read Dugan's take on Nate from last season.

Des revealed that she hasn't seen Nate since last season.  That sounds complicated.

The best part about Nate, other than his hand tattoos, is that he calls a spade a spade.  Or in this case, he calls a ridiculous reality show ridiculous.  Nate is too real for Fleiss and Co.

Rose Ceremony

Hockey Hair Brooks takes rose #1.  Chris (what!?) takes rose #2.  The final rose went to Drew Who.

Shirtless Zak is headed home.  I'm actually a little sad.  Not like I'm fully-crying sad, but more like tickle-in-the-back-of-my-throat sad.  I just don't want my last memory of Zak to be in a penguin outfit.  That's why I'll leave you with this:

Gone, and probably forgotten.

Until next week, when the men tell all.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Say Yes to the Des

As Bachelor/ette Nation descends on Madeira, Dugan is suffering from some PTSD. I represented a project named Madiera (Yes, I pointed out the misspelling to no avail) that failed spectacularly at a City Commission meeting. I'll try to put that behind me as hometown dates are next week and we are winding down. Drew mentions that Madeira "is built for love." No, the Taj Mahal was built for love.

Friends in Town

Des managed to get free trips to Madeira for friends from Sean's season of The Bachelor: Catherine (winner), Lesley Abramoff and Jackie. While the other girls didn't add much, they did get Des to dish the following on the guys:

Best Kisser: Drew

Most Successful: Domer Mike

Most Athletic: Chris

Best Body: Drew

Best Eyes: Brooks

Most Adventurous: Zak

Brooks, Des and the Portuguese Cliffs of Moher

• Brooks and Des are a pretty likable couple
• Brooks and Des are discussing continuing their journey, but then begin a cliche-off
• “We did’t just break through the clouds, I feel like we had a breakthrough in our relationship.”
• I threw up a little in my mouth.
• Multiple “cloud nine” references (5 to be exact).
• They became unlikable on this date. Damn.

 The date continued with some Madeira hilltop dining:

• Des says she is falling in love with Brooks.
• Brooks rocking the not often worn rugby, v-neck, cardigan.
• Fireworks ended the night and might have more of an impact if it wasn’t July 8^th….WAIT, what was that spastic fireworks impersonation by Des? Love it.

Chris, the warrior baseball poet, Des & a Yacht 

This date was so bad that I started to think about the best moments in the history of yachting. Please see the following entries and vote on the poll in the top right:

• Bill Murray in What About Bob
• The Gasol Brothers diving with models and gym socks
• Ted Turner winning America's Cup

I stopped being interested in the date when they were writing poetry together. But finding pictures of Gasol brothers that feature Pau Gasol's butt is not where I thought my night would be going.

But the date did bring a quote of the night entry from Chris: “We’re gonna get a little wet. It’s gonna happen.” 

They continue their date over dinner where they discuss the following: 

• Family size.
• Another poem? This is getting ridiculous. He played pro baseball?
• Does saying “I love you” in a poem count? Is that valid?

 Michael Finally gets a One-on-One

• While hometowns are next week, Domer Mike is yet to have a one-on-one. A domer in the friend zone...hmmmm. 
• Little known fact, when you graduate from Notre Dame or Law School, you are given a lifetime supply of this exact outfit. Domer Mike's wardrobe is 79 different variations of this exact outfit.

 

• Domer Mike's Don Johnson style outfit at dinner was good enough to secure a hometown. It's great when I don't need to add photoshop. Domer Mike or Don Johnson?

• Past Girlfriend cheated on him.
• Des wants Mike to open up.
• He did. When a Domer becomes vulnerable, prepare for a disemboweling. Michael is exposed and I think this is going to end ugly.

 Des, Zak, Drew and a Rose.

• It's a Go Kart competition and Des drops a little Ricky Bobby. “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” But, no, really. Because there’s two people racing.
• Zak beat Drew.
• I still wonder if Drew is on the right season.
• Drew gets the rose. Zak beats Drew.

 Rose Ceremony

• Discussion with Chris Harrison. Des says she’s in love with Brooks. Interesting.
• A life with Chris would be “full and lasting.” Hmmm….sounds great?
• Drew is safe. Have to assume the same of Brooks and Chris.
• Shirtless Zak v. Domer Mike.
• BOOM.

There's plenty more. 

He called his mom. Seriously? Until next week with Wags and the Hometowns...

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Say Yes to the Des

Clink clink!  It's time to start the Bachelorette. Before dinner tonight, Mrs. Wags asked me if I was nervous to write the recap tonight.  This may come as a shock to the readers, but I have never been nervous to write a recap.  Maybe a lesser man would crumble under the pressure, but with a bowl of strawberry ice cream and a glass of whiskey from Oregon, I can conquer the world.

Okay, enough about how you're jealous of my ice cream, whiskey, and grammar.  Let's get on with the recap.

This week takes place in Barthelona.  We continue to upgrade cities every week.  Barcelona > Munich > Atlantic City > LA.  It's simple alligator math.

Solo Date #1: Drew Who?

Des expressed how excited she was to get to know Drew Who because he's "a little reserved, but he's so romantic about being romantic."  I'm starting to see what the problem is with the season: Des!

Drew Who and Des walked the cobbled streets of Barcelona looking for a place to get a drink.  As Des took a big swig of wine (and Mrs. Wags asked for a taste of whiskey), Drew Who revealed, for the first time ever, that his dad is a recovering alcoholic with cancer. Des was "happy" to hear the story.  Once again, strange word choice by Des.  I've never been happy to hear that someone has lyme disease and also has a gambling addiction.  It's interesting information, but I don't feel happy about it.

As the date continued, Des and Drew Who had a candlelight dinner in a courtyard that looked suspiciously like the Bachelor(ette) courtyard in LA.  

Drew Who turned into Drew Suave by taking Des into the alleyway and making out...but then he ruined everything he worked for by tattling on James for wanting to be the next Bachelor.  He became Drew Right Reasons.  (Bachelor historical note: the snitch character has never won).  Drew Who...prepare to fail.

Nevertheless, Drew Who gets a date rose (but I'll bet he's not in the final three).

Group Date: Hockey Hair Brooks, Chris, #, Domer Mike, James, and Juan Pablo Montoya

The date theme is futbol.  Juan Pablo, the former professional soccer player, might have a slight advantage.

Domer Mike started the date wearing a headband.  Terrible.

Des brought out her team, five professional female soccer players.  The guys, 5 out of 6 not professional soccer players, were wildly overconfident (and a bit misogynistic).  After falling behind 2-0, Des's team of pros went full-Wambach and dominated the men.

During the evening portion of the date, Chris made the wise choice not to discuss James's issues, but rather to focus on his poetry connection with Des.  They are developing a little thing where they write each other poems.  This guy is a lock for the final three.

Domer Mike  and # decided to confront James.  When # confronted James about his desire to be the next Bachelor, James issued a wholesale denial.  Domer Mike (he's a prosecutor..don't lie to him) jumped in and did a rather weak cross-examination of James (#IMHO).  James won the argument, not with logic, but with 'roid rage.  Works every time...believe me...it's my style too.

Des decided not to give out the rose because of all the drama with James.  When confronted by Des, James once again denied saying that he is in good position to become the next Bachelor.  James then cried (and said he had a headache...poor baby James).  Des, seemingly overwhelmed, could not make a decision about James.  At this point, Fleiss and Co. stepped in (behind the scenes of course), and demanded James stay on the show.  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new villain less than one episode after Father Ben's exit.

James shocked the men by returning to the house.  In what might go down as a top-10 Bachelor moment, James simply said, "Gentlemen....good night."  Good day, sir.  GOOD DAY, SIR.

Solo Date #2: Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak and Des went to an art studio and decided to draw each other.  Zak made Des look like a zombie.  This was Des's portrait of Zak:

The color: Carmelo

Maybe we should call this guy Orange Zak.  Whoa spray tan!

After a make-out session in a wine cave, Des gave Shirtless Zak a rose.  Maybe it's his independent spirit.  Maybe it's the fact that his parents have been married for "31, 32, or 33 years."  Maybe it's his hue.  Maybe it's his wild eyes.  Whatever it is, Shirtless Zak is succeeding for all the right reasons.  

Rose Ceremony

Before giving out roses, Des pulled James aside, stating that she just has to send him home.  Before Des could send him home, James apologized and said he is falling for her.  Des fell for it (Fleiss and Co...you are magic).  

Sidenote: when James stood up after the conversation, the front of his lavender shirt was sweat stained.  He appeared to walk straight to the house, but when he walked in...same shirt...no stains.  See, I told you Fleiss and Co. are magic.  

Back at the house, James stuck by his position that the "worst-case scenario is that he ends up as the Bachelor."  The remaining guys were flabbergasted about how he could take that stance.  James pointed out that he is more in touch with reality.  Though I believe that this show is the search for true love, James kind of has a point.  

Joining Drew Who and Shirtless Zak with roses were:

Chris

Hockey Hair Brooks

Domer Mike (oh come on..you have to be kidding me).

Goodbye Juan Pablo (we never got enough of this guy), #, and James (Domer Mike declares this...case closed).  

Until next week in, Madeira!  Huh....where?  Oh...off the coast of Portugal, you say?  HOORAY!