The Bachelorette Episode 10: It's Neil Lane Time

It's finale night.  You know what that means, right?  It means true love will be found! (okay, maybe not).  It means Neil Lane will be on the show! (not a guarantee).  It means Chris Harrison will finally get the air time he deserves! (unlikely).

There is only one thing guaranteed in this crazy, mixed-up Bachelor/ette world: I will be celebrating with Four Roses bourbon and ice cream one last time!  And to completely come clean, I had a small glass of Rosé with dinner. I don't know what's in store for Andi, but this will easily be my most romantic drinking night of the season. But enough about my vices, let's continue with the recap.

This final episode is coming to you live with Chris B. Harrison, our spiritual guide and beacon of light for hopeless romantics everywhere.  Harrison drops a bomb on the audience: the guy who lost is still in love and even went to Mexico on one of Andi's vacations to try and win her back (read: one of these guys is really, really pitiful).  

Hans Meets the Fam

Hans, my pick to win it all, met Andi's family.  Andi's dad, Hy, said he's never seen one of Andi's dates so nervous.  How crazy is it that her dad has a reference point for comparison?  You know you've been involved with ABC's The Bachelor/ette too long when your dad can say something like that.  

Hans tells the Dorfmans that he loves that Andi is a "career-driven" woman. Does Hans realize that Andi has quit her job twice to be on this show?  As Detective Dugan previously pointed out, she probably only worked as a lawyer for 18 months, max.  Let's just say I'm not prepared to give her any awards.  

That's Gloria Steinem, real feminist.  

Andi Dorman, anti-feminist and part-time Kardashian impersonator

As I was typing, the date just flew by.  Hans got permission to marry Andi.  

Josh Griffey Jr. Meets the Fam

Josh also arrived to meet Andi's family.  Hy said Josh was nervous.  Josh said Josh was nervous.  I even got nervous (but only after I noticed that Andi's sister had a tattoo of a turtle on her shoulder...I REALLY hope she got it on this "meet the family" trip).  

The Dorfmans disliked Josh because he is just like every over-confident jock that she has dated.  I don't even know Andi, but even I can see that he is like every other Atlanta jock that she has dated.  

Andi's dad called Versailles, "Ver-sal."  Do your thing, Hy.  

Josh b.s.'d his way into getting permission from Hy.   

Josh's Last Date

They took one last yacht ride together.  Andi rhetorically asked, "is this all too good to be true?"  To you, Andi, I concisely answer, "Yes."  

Josh says he wants to marry "his best friend."  Please refer to the title of this week's blog post:  "Week 10."  Declaring someone your best friend after 10 weeks only works when you're six years old and 10 weeks constitutes a significant percentage of your entire life.  In their hit song, "You're My Best Friend," Queen's Freddy Mercury pointed out that "I've been with you such a long time."  If Freddy says time matters, it must be so.



Josh then said he wants to "make her my wife."  Why do I feel like I have entered into a country music lyric whenever Josh talks?  

Josh wrote a letter to Andi and read it out loud.  I guess I feel better about him knowing that he can read.  

Josh then presented Andi with her very own Andi Murray baseball card.  This moment must have made Dugan's nickname dreams come true:

I really want Josh to lose (but I also kind of want Hans to lose).

Hans's Final Date

I've had about enough of these dates.  When is Neil Lane going to show up?  We've been waiting all season for that moment.  I don't need to see another helicopter/yacht/ATV/beach/picnic/waterfall/chardonnay scene.  I need a slim fit black suit with an white, unbuttoned dress shirt.

He always delivers

While swimming in a lagoon, Josh said he wants to marry Andi.  This isn't really news or revelatory, but it happened, so I guess I should write about it.

The date continued with dinner later that night and more chardonnay, of course.  Hans and Andi then made out for awhile.  These types of moments are always my favorite because one guy will presumably propose marriage in the next 24-48 hours.  He will then re-watch this episode.  He will see the other guy making out with his fiancé.  So I ask you, dear reader, WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER GO ON THIS SHOW!?!?!?   

To be on the cover of US Weekly of course, said Mrs. Dugan

Neil Lane

All of my dreams came true.  Neil Lane arrived to explain the 4 C's to these guys.  Neil Lane loves an emerald cut because it's for a strong woman.  Josh agreed.

Hans was waiting for Neil in his thatch-roof hut, but Andi showed up instead.  And she wasn't wearing makeup.  Not a good sign for Hans.  Looks like Andi has her "crying face" ready.  Once Hans saw Andi sans-mascara, he could see the writing on the wall.  Andi broke up with him.  Hans had a great response by pointing out that Andi "took it too far."  Good point Hans.  Why do the Bachelor/ettes always give into the pressures of Fleiss and Co. and lead the loser on so much?  It must be contractual, right?  Lawyers.  It's always the lawyers.  

Andi left in tears.  Hans stood by the railing of his room and nearly gave us a full Mesnick, but sadly we only got a Flajnik (lean over the rail, no tears).  Mrs. Wags wants to know what a "Pavelka" would be.  

Do the Pavelka

Rose Ceremony

Hans is already on the slow boat to Wisconsin, so there will not be any surprises in this rose ceremony.  

Once again, Josh Griffey Jr. said that he gave up his first love of baseball to find a family.  I would be remiss if I didn't point out that he likely gave up baseball because he was a career .213 hitter in single-A minor league baseball.  

Josh's speech cadence is the same as Kenny Powers.  Andi is April.  HOW AM I JUST REALIZING THIS NOW!?  Oh no, the season is slipping away.  She's the one with the career.  He's a loser.  They're from Georgia.  They live in Georgia.  His baseball career has been over for years.  THEY ARE KENNY AND APRIL.  Season is ending.  Must madly type comparisons...oh no....fading....to.....black.......

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Night

I am blogging on the road this week as Casa de Dugan is being tented for termites. The show is also on the move as we have traveled to Hispaniola (the acceptable side for tourists, La Republica Dominicana) for fantasy sweet dates with the final three contestants: John Deere, Hans, and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andy gives her rundown of the remaining guys and makes it painfully obvious that her final choice will be Josh. 

Josh

She "likes Josh". He’s "her type". She's "attracted to him". She "can be her complete self with Josh".  She "feels over the moon, giddy, unbelievebale". Their relationship is "easy, natural, exciting…"

Can we just give him the final rose and end this?

John Deere

Amazing guy, sweet, smart, lighthearted and funny. "So cute and charming and romantic." He's the "Farmer/Businessman who has it all."

Just put him out of his misery. She sounds like she is explaining a labradoodle not a guy she will end up with.

Nick Hans

Shy, skeptical. Memorable.  Sweet, affectionate. Serious. "He just gets me". Mental connection. Passionate side. Falling in love. Potential

From the early explanations, it looks like a Josh/Hans showdown but let's review the dates and decide.

Hans Gets a Helicopter Date 

It's getting late in the season to have an eventual winner without a helicopter date so it was nice to see Hans get his. Andi explains to the viewers that she wants more information about Hans' previous breakups. 

I always want to know more about the production of these episodes. Hans and Andi start making out in the helicopter. Helicopters are not very large. The cameraman appears about a foot away. Is this awkward? Does it just become normal?

They have a long discussion about Hans terrible breakup. Let me guess? You pretended to be in love with a girl shortly after meeting her, even to the point of getting engaded, then secretely plot to steal business opportunities from her older sister. Once exposed, you go full evil and attempt to kill the older sister only to be blocked by the younger sister and former fiance. Eventually Hans returned to Milwaukee to be punished for his wrongdoings.

While his story may lead others to ask many questions...I only have one. Who the hell spends this much time at the beach without sunglasses? How in God's name are you on the beach for any length of time without sunglasses? 

At dinner, Hans shared a story he wrote for Andi. While the story was nice and included a page about their date that very same day, I was more impressed with Hans' illustrations. Did he really draw these pictures? If he didn't, how is that assignment explained to the staffer at Fleiss & Co.?

Hans hides behind a tree, drops the L bomb and gets the fantasy suite time.

 =

Josh Manages to Find a Baseball Field on a Date...AGAIN

The Dominican Republic was Dugan's first foreign county and I'll always remember it fondly. Josh and Andi walk around the capital, Santo Domingo. I know he rightly takes a beating from modern historians but Christopher Columbus' tomb is a magnificent monument. It could also double as a movie prop for the next National Treasure movie.

Fucking of course Josh finds a baseball field. This further cements Josh as the winner. He obviously loves baseball and Andi manages to find a baseball field on every date. She cares about him and their relationship seems genuine. Let's ignore the rest of their baseball date and list some D.R. beisbol greats:

• Big Papi
• Pujols
• Pedro
• Cano
• Sosa
• Hanley
• Jose Reyes
• Big Vlad

Who would you take from that group? L Bomb #2 leads to the Quote of the Night! Josh explains he isn't just throwing around the "love" word without meaning: "I never said that before when I really meant it."

Yeah. That's a triple header. You get bolded, underlined and italicized. He's not denying telling girls he loved them. Just denying that he meant it. BOOM. This blog loves you, Josh.

I'll be very surprised if Josh does not win. Like lebron leaving Miami for Cleveland surprised. I also don’t think Josh would expose himself and become this vulnerable without knowing he was winning in the end. 

John Deere and the 3,000 lb Horses of Rancho Peligro

Mrs. Dugan and Andi share a healthy fear of horses. However, Andi's fear is also completely irrational and offers up what would be the best quote on any other night (hat tip up above to Josh): “There’s just something about a 3,000 pound animal underneath me and I don’t know what they are thinking.”

3,000 lbs? What breed of horse is this?

Did anyone else notice the beautiful mountain landscape on this date? Why are there mountains in Cuba, Dominican Republic and other subtropical locales but not in Florida?

• Britton Hill, located in the Florida Panhandle, is the highest point in Florida at 345 feet 
• More than one-third of the Dominican Republic lies higher than 1,500 feet (457 metres), and it has the highest relief of the West Indies, reaching 10,417 feet (3,175 metres) at Duarte Peak in the Cordillera Central in the Dominican Republic.
• Cuba's highest point is 6,578 feet. 

My biggest takeaway from this date is that John Deere went to the "Hide and seek" well once too often. A rare game of hide and seek is one thing, but if this is your date "go to" activity, you are giving Iowans a bad name.  He's starting to make Josh look mature.

The rest of the date can be summed up.

John Deere is kicked out and we are left with Serious Hans v. Fun loving Josh. Andi wanted to have a rose ceremony and neither guy said no.

  

Let's pray that Josh wins so we can have Andi Murray.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Hometowns

So Mrs. Wags and I just returned from a European vacation, and I'm writing a day late with no ice cream.  I panicked and asked Mrs. Wags what I would have with my whiskey.  She replied that I could have part of an Aero bar and/or some digestive biscuits that we brought back from Ireland.  This just is not going to cut it.  After Dugan's ultra-patriotic post from last week, I feel that my Euro-candy and Euro-biscuits are an embarrassment to this blog.  And I apologize.

I can't quit you

On to the show.  We are at that point with four guys left and a marriage proposal could be on the way in a couple short weeks.  It feels like anyone could win, but no one should.  This is definitely the beauty (and horror) of this show.

Hans in Milwaukee

Somehow, I did not realize that Hans (Nick) lives in Milwaukee.  I assumed he lived in some ice castle.  (That was my best attempt at a Frozen reference.  Still haven't seen the movie.  Sorry Dugan).  

Hans wore a scarf on the date that looked suspiciously like Andi's scarf.  I guess Hans knew the blog post was going to start with a Euro theme.  

Hans brought Andi on a beer brewery tour.  I was really hoping they would go to one of Milwaukee's best breweries.  He would be a beast is he brought her there (see where I'm going with this?).  

It's premium

They eventually arrived Hans's parents' home.  His parents have apparently spent the past two decades having kids.  

The Hans Family

Hans had a heart-to-heart with one of his sisters in the basement of the house.  It had a finished basement.  Having spent some time in the midwest and watched many episodes of House Hunters, I know that finished basements are a big deal.  It also had an electric dartboard.  I got a little weepy remembering the home of my favorite electric dartboard:

5,356 games played, $0 spent

Hans talks like he's wearing a retainer.  I probably shouldn't throw stones in glass houses since I have had various retainer devices over the years, but this guy's voice bugs.

Hans riddle: How does his mom look like she could be his older sister and his younger sister look like  she could be his daughter?  Answer: He's his uncle and his brother.

The date ended.  They kissed.  You get the picture.  Hans is a lock for the final three.

John Deere in Iowa

John Deere explained that Arlington, Iowa has a population of 758, but it's 759 today because Andi is here.  Someone needs to explain to Deere how population counts work.  Remind the US Government not to hire JD as a census worker.

At JD's house, Andi asked if his backyard is "the farmland."  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD then took Andi for a ride on his JOHN DEERE tractor (how apropos).  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD noted that he's broken the mold because he's a farmer on the Bachelorette.  Andi said that she could live on a farm because "her family has a lake house in the middle of nowhere."  (early favorite for quote of the night). I think he's broken the mold because he's the first farmer in Iowa with a faux-hawk.  

When asked what she would do in Iowa, Deere responded that she could be a homemaker.  

This is not going to work out

John Deere's mom, Mrs. Deere, told Andi that living on a farm takes gumption. This relationship is not going to work out.  

After a quick game of Sardines, Andi left.  The date seemed to go well.  I'll be shocked if he makes it another round.

Josh Griffey Jr. in Tampa

Let me start by saying I cannot stand this guy.  I roll my eyes at every word he says.  His face bugs me.  His voice bugs me.  This is going to be difficult.  

Josh is a former baseball player (in case you forgot), so of course he took Andi to a baseball field.  In case you were wondering if he was good, he was not.  In case you were wondering if he ever played in the majors, he did not.  But once again, I only played JV baseball in high school, so maybe I should pipe down:

Josh's brother is Aaron Murray, former star quarterback at Georgia and now in the NFL with the Kansas City Chiefs.  Looks like Andi got the wrong brother.  Here's Aaron.

Rich

Josh's mom says that Josh is "very sincere."  That's the last word I would use to describe Josh.  I take that back.  It's the second-to-last word I would use.  "Intelligent" is #1.  

The family went to the backyard and played some pickup football.  I was hoping Aaron throw one off of Josh's forehead, but not all dreams come true (e.g. Josh's MLB dream...that's mean....I take that back....no I don't).

The date ended.  As all hometown dates must.

Marcus Gosling in Dallas

Gosling drove Andi to a penthouse suite in his Benz and then stripped for Andi in a sailor outfit.  Andi seemed to be having flash-fowards to the fantasy suite, describing Gosling as "the hottest guy she's ever dated."  This is one of those moments that would be hard to watch if one of the other three guy's win it all.  

Mrs. Wags just asked me, "who is this guy?"  When people ask me if Mrs. Wags makes me watch the show, I quickly reply, "I make her watch the show."  This moment was undeniable proof that I am not lying.  

Andi met Gosling's mom, siblings, and nieces.  Gosling's dad left when they were kids, forcing Gosling's older brother into a father-figure role.  In one of the more genuine moments in Bachelor history, Gosling tearfully thanked his older brother for being there for him during the hard times.  It seemed like a nice moment for them.  

On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like Gosling had as many nice moments with Andi during his hometown.  I think he may be on the chopping block. 

Chris Harrison' Home

For the first time ever, we got to see the inside of Chris Harrison's home.  Hopefully this is foreshadowing next season on the Bachelor when 25 lucky ladies vie for Chris Harrison's love.  

Andi and the four guys were brought there to hear that Dora died in a paragliding accident.  There were lots of tears.  It was too serious, and thus, unbloggable.

Rose Ceremony

The tears continued into the rose ceremony, but the show must go on.

Getting their rose tickets to the fantasy suite were Josh Griffey Jr., John Deere, and Hans.

Marcus Gosling went home.  Not too surprising.  

Until next week, when Dugan makes all your fantasies come true.