The Bachelor Episode 9: Fantasy SWEET!

Welcome back WWTB family.  I just finished up my ice cream (Mexican chocolate for those keeping score at home), and I am now ready for the most romantic night of the season.  And by romantic, I mean really awkward and weird.  And by really awkward and weird, I mean Chris is a doofus.  At this point in the show, it seems that there is only one final result that makes sense:

1) Nurse Whitney - winner

2) Hugs Becca - next Bachelorette

3) Kaitlyn Rickles - Bachelor in Paradise contestant

On the other hand, Chris is just a pawn of Harrison/Lane/Fleiss & Co., so he'll just do whatever they want.  

Joke explanation: it's Chris's head on a pawn

(Interesting side note: the picture I found of Chris's face actually appears to have two giant pawns in the background.  Or maybe they're just vases...that look like pawns). 

Off to Bali

Fleiss and Co. broke the budget and took the show to Indonesia.  As Dugan pointed out last week, it's all the money they saved by going to Santa Fe is really paying off.  Chris said that Bali is very different from Iowa.  In case you forgot, Chris is a farmer from Iowa.  

Kaitlyn Rickles's Date

Rickles got the first date of the love journey.  They went into a temple.  The temple doesn't allow kissing and has lots of ladies walking around with baskets on their heads.  It's not what I expected.

More like what I expected

After they left the "temple,"Chris and Rickles walked around the neighborhood. I always enjoy the Bachelor trope of visiting various tourist spots in a foreign country, encountering "locals," and commenting on how nice they are.  

A monkey then jumped on Chris's back.  I wasn't surprised because the monkey probably thought Chris was a fellow primate when it heard Chris laugh.  

At the dinner portion of the date, Rickles apologized for how she's been holding back her emotions.  I'm angry that she's been holding back an explanation for those matching bird tattoos on the back of her arms.  

When the fantasy suite invite arrived, Rickles quickly said, "I can't imagine...saying no to that."  Ready to rock and roll, apparently.  

While in the fantasy suite, Rickles said she's falling in love.  Chris shocked Bachelor historians everywhere when he said, "I am falling in love too."  This seems to be a rule violation.  I will be very interested to see if Chris says he loves all three women.  

Nurse Whitney's Date

The Nurse showed off her hops with a jumping hug.  That's nearly as important as saying you're falling in love.  

The date started with a private yacht ride in the Indian Ocean on a boat provided by the Plataran Hotel chain.  I tried to book a hotel room for TONIGHT at the hotel in Canngu.  Here's the result I got:  http://reservations.directwithhotels.com/dne.html  Soooooo, does this show even exist?  Is there a Neil Lane?  Are we all actually dead?

Nurse Whitney started apologizing for her overprotective, honest sister.  Chris told her not to sweat it.  Mrs. Wags said, "please make her stop talking."  (So we've reached this point in the season!)

During the dinner portion of the date, I became worried about my prediction of Nurse Whitney as the winner.  Chris looks like he's heard just about enough of her voice also.  

Chris informed Whitney that Chicago is 3.5 hours away from Arlington.  Mrs. Wags, apparently confused, asked if that's 3.5 hours "by airplane?"  

Nurse Whitney said she was willing to quit her job, move to Arlington, and have lots of babies.  You may be shocked to hear that she showed very little hesitation to go to the fantasy suite.  

Hugs Becca's Date

Get ready for the virgin show.  Chris started off the date by expressing his concern that Hugs has never been in love.  Uh oh.  Big surprises are in store for Chris in a few short minutes.  

Chris and Hugs went to a village and a temple.   Good news for me!  I already made a picture for a moment like this!

Temple of Deja Doom

The elders at the temple advised Chris and Hugs to "make love" on their date.  The religious leaders of Bali have a slightly different message than any priest I met during my K thru JD Catholic education.

During the evening portion of the date, Hugs advised the viewers that she is a virgin.  I'm feeling lost about what the theme of this segment has been.  

Do you think Hugs Becca is really a virgin?

Yes

No

Poll Maker

Chris told Hugs that he's falling in love with her.  (I missed if he told Nurse Whitney that he loves her.  Her voice must have pierced my eardrums).

The fantasy suite date card arrived.  Instead of admitting that she's a virgin, she said she'd like to spend some alone time in the fantasy suite.  Once in the fantasy suite, Hugs revealed her secret.  Chris nearly had a seizure, but then recovered to say that love is what matters.  Hugs was thrilled.  Maybe she won't be Hugs Becca by the end of the night. 

Wink!

The next morning, Chris and Hugs both looked broken up about how the night went.  Chris said it had to do with the possibility of regret and the fear of struggling to find love.  The Faux Hawk Farmer is getting deep on us.  

Harrison, our emotional and spiritual guide, counseled Chris.  Harrison pointed out that it's amazing that Chris could see himself spending his life with all three women.  The Bachelor: making women feel so special since 2002.

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony was set up at the temple.  Harrison, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, reminded Chris, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, that he may not kiss any of the women, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, in the temple.  They look like they are more than 3.5 flight or car hours from Arlington.  

Before the ceremony began, Chris pulled Hugs aside.  Before Chris could say anything, Hugs went into full speech mode and professed her love.  Based on Chris's speaking skills, the sentiments were much more clearly stated.  Once Chris did speak, he noted that this show is about finding "true love." I heard Fleiss and Co. in the background softly whisper, "...and ratings."

Much to Nurse's and Rickles's dismay, Chris brought Hugs back to the rose ceremony.  

After Chris collected his thoughts, he gave roses to Nurse Whitney and Hugs Becca.  

Kaitlyn Rickles exited without a rose, without hugging the other ladies, and without explanation.  When pressed, Chris said he "doesn't know what happened."  Typical, confused Soules.  He then went on to say, "there's no right decision."  Thatta boy!  Way to make your future fiance feel special. 

Enough tears for one night.  I've cried enough.  Next week, the women tell all.  

The Bachelor Episode 8: Math and Hometowns

Before we pick up where Tim left us, I have a question. What the hell happened to Europe? Are Fleiss & Co spending the entire budget on Bachelor in Paradise? Night two in Arlington, Iowa picks up with a one-on-one with Hugs Becca.

Becca likes to take things slow (We get it, she's a virgin). Hugs and the Faux Farmer have a quiet night at his loft in Polk County, Iowa. In case there was any doubt, Chris explains that Polk County "is not Italy or Belgium, nor fancy.” Good. We were all confusing the two.

No one confused the two. Ever.

The most concerning thing we learned on the date is that Hugs dated a guy on and off for 4 years. I can't imagine why it didn't work out. Oh, and Polk sunsets kick ass. Watch out Amalfi Coast, Iowa is gunning for you.

Meanwhile, Back in Des Moines

Fav Britt is crying and the girls, especially Carly Rae, are over it. The girls have pinned down the problem. Britt wants to be sought, but she is on a show where she has to do the chasing. Britt is a house of cards and someone plucked a few from the bottom row.

It's straight to the Rose Ceremony as Chris cuts another cocktail hour. Mrs. Dugan notes this has been a fairly common practice. Perhaps a teetotaler? That's for you, Widowmaker.

Britt breaks up the rose ceremony determined to speak with Chris and right her wrongs. She fails miserably as she asks Chris to think on his feet - never a good thing. Britt also made another fatal mistake. She let her true feelings about Arlington known to the other girls. When the Faux Hawk Farmer holds all the cards, don't shit on Arlington.

Britt Surprised

We get a driveway breakdown and Carly Rae offers up her sympathy: "It’s fun to watch her squirm. I’ve squirmed a lot.” Carly Rae follows Fav Britt out the door.

Moving to Hometowns with the Fab Four
Hugs Becca in Shreveport, Louisiana
Nurse Whitney in Chicago
Rickles in Phoenix
Jade in Gering, Nebraska

Shreveport Showdown and Dugan's Dream

We're starting with Hugs Becca and getting into gators, ferris wheels and virginity. Holla! Take note - we begin the date with a run and jump hug – does this really fucking happen anywhere outside of tv and movies?

Becca's sister is trying to make this painfully obvious to Chris: “Becca is not an intimate girl by any means.” Get it?  "She doesn’t even have that urge. Never even attempted that." WE GET IT. ENOUGH.

Ok, Chris is one of the least interesting Bachelor/ettes of all time, but one great final act could save this season. Take Hugs V Card on Fantasy Suite Night next week, then cut her. Would it be cruel? Would he become the ultimate Bachelor villain overnight? YES and YES. Chances? .0001%



Chicago, Porn and a Frozen Cameo

Note: We get a jump welcome from Nurse Whitney. Whitney wants to share her work as a fertility nurse and asks Chris, “Let’s go make a baby.” Chris responds with my QOTN: “I uhhh make corn.”

She teases Chris about giving a sample and sends him into the "room" with a cup, porn, and some playboys. Chances that one of those playboys was Jade's?  .0001%



Nurse Whitney and her sister are fighting over the possible, rapid proposal Where have I seen this before?

Phoenix power rap couple: Rickles and Big Farma

Rickles' family winters in Phoenix and Rickles turns to her rapping crutch. A fairly uneventful hometown but Rickles is unconventional for Bachelor/ette contestants and, for that, we love her.

She wants to share her feelings with Chris and does so with a billboard. We close with a jump hug and the Jim Croce classic.

Well, I know it's kinda late.
I hope I didn't wake you.
But what I gotta say can't wait,
I know you'd understand.

Every time I tried to tell you,
The words just came out wrong,
So I'll have to say I love you in a billboard.

Hey Jade and the Nebraska Playboy Confessional

Jade's family is trying to let Chris know that Jade has a history. It's difficult for Chris to comprehend as he only knows shy Jade. Rather than hear from someone else, Jade confesses her centerfold past. She then shows him the images and video. I don't really know the protocol of explaining your past nude shots to a new boyfriend/girlfriend. But I do not think immediately sharing said nude shots is standard operating procedure.

Date ends. No jump hug.


Who’s Moving on the Fantasy Suite night?

Nurse Whitney
Rickles
Hugs Becca

In a pretty harsh cut, Jade shares her nudes and gets cut. And the reasoning was even funnier: "Things moved faster with the other girls"

The Bachelor Episode 7: What an Event

It's Sunday night and time to kick off 5 hours of The Bachelor in the next two nights.  I'm not sure why Fleiss and Co. have made this programming choice.  My guess is they are aware that most of the country looks like this:

Buffalo?  Buffa-no thank you.

Those of us in more temperate parts of the country (Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, Mrs. Wags, and I), have lots of BBQs to attend while wearing shorts and discussing the glory of being able to go to the beach in the winter.  We don't have 5 hours to watch a two night television "event."

It's not actually us.

Who am I kidding?  We'll be watching all 5 hours.  On that note, I have had a little sniffle, so tonight I'll be having an apple brandy Hot Toddy.    

Okay, on to the show.  It's 8 pm and I'm ready for some hometown dates.  Wait a second!  It turns out that the first hour of tonight's episode is a "Chris Tells All" recap of the season.  I'm no mathematician, but this means that the actual episode doesn't start until 9 pm.  It's a good thing I'm celebrating President's Day tomorrow by relaxing and playing video games for 8 straight hours.  

Now that I've wasted the last hour of my life, we can officially begin the recap.

Chris started off quickly with a QOTN nominee.  "It's been a roller coaster ride in Deadwood...I had a group date with Big and Rich and the girls."  This is what I love about reality television.  It's just so real.

As I was typing, No IQ Megan asked Chris how he saw their relationship going.  After mumbling a few words, Chris then sent her home.  At the current breakup rate, tomorrow night might actually be the season finale.  

After No IQ left, everyone (including me), assumed that the carnage was over.  Thankfully, Chris Harrison, our trusty leader and spiritual adviser, had other ideas.  He announced that there would still be a rose ceremony.  I googled "chris harrison dreams" and this is what I found:

For the first time all season, Chris stood up to Fleiss and Co. and said he would not have a rose ceremony because he feels so strongly for all six women.  These ladies are so lucky.  

Solo Date #1: Jade

Chris took all the women home to the farmstead in Arlington, Iowa.  The women seemed so excited.  Chris also seemed excited...to talk to his cow Bessie.  Impressively, Chris is much better at forming full sentences when speaking to ungulates (how do you like that big word, Widowmaker!?).

Jade had the first date in Iowa, also known as the "see-how-good-you-are-at-pretending-to-be-excited-to-be-in-Iowa" date.  

Chris started off the date at his house.  They went into the backyard.  His backyard might actually be the size of San Francisco.  Chris recognized this fact by stating, "I love land, owning it and working with it."  Jade on the other hand, is not sure that she could spend her life there.  Why could she ever think that?  There are no jobs, movie theaters, bars, cafes, or restaurants.  This is real.  And for Jade, this is too real.  

Don't worry Jade, there's good news.  Your first home purchase as a couple should go smoothly:

http://www.trulia.com/property/3170595876-622-Upper-St-Arlington-IA-50606

Naturally, they went to a high school football game.  Most of the crowd was somehow related to Chris.  Amazingly, Arlington proved itself to be even smaller of a town when the football players performed in the band at halftime along with the cheerleaders in street clothes.  

As they walked the halls of Chris's high school, Chris said he wanted to see Jade's wild side.  Good news Chris!  Jade has a wild side that EVERYONE can see with a simple google image search.  

In the end, Chris got a kiss from Jade on the 50 yard line.  James Van Der Beek couldn't have scripted it better himself.  

Solo Date #2: Nurse Whitney

Sadly, Nurse Whitney had the next solo date.  This means that we have to listen to her voice for an entire date.  I'm not sure I can handle her pitch.    I swear I'm not a misogynist that dislikes the sound of womens' voices.  I just dislike Whitney's voice.  

Whitney's date was in the big city of Des Moines.  Des Moines is the capital of American insurance companies.  The fun in Iowa just doesn't stop.  

Not even Flo can sell this one.

Back at the house, the other ladies took a road trip to Arlington.  When they arrived, everything was closed.  The library, market, and church.  Closed for business.  

The ladies asked a random guy standing on his front porch if there was anywhere good to eat.  He replied, "not in Arlington."  They asked him what he does.  Turns out he's the pastor at the church.  Did I mention that he was wearing a Call of Duty video game t-shirt? Arlington makes South Bend look like Paris.

On the date, Nurse Whitney got to meet a few of Chris's friends.  They seemed boring like Chris.  Chris just kept calling them his "best friends," never using their actual names. It felt like they were hired to be there.  

And I even know his name

Chris just laughed.  Mrs. Wags rewound the show three times to listen to his laugh.  "It's so stupid.  Can you hear that?!" said Mrs. Wags.  I was more concerned that Mrs. Wags rewound the show for the first time ever.  On the other hand, I have hit the rewind button approximately 1,355 times on the Bachelor.  

Group Date: Fav Britt, Carly Rae, and Kaitlyn Rickles

Before the group date began, Jade decided it would be a good idea to tell Carly Rae that she was in Playboy a couple years ago.  Jade also revealed that she didn't get a chance to tell her Dad at the time, and he found out from his co-workers.  This begs the question, is Playboy even a thing anymore?  What industry does Jade's dad work in where he has multiple work colleagues that read Playboy?  

The group date was at an ice rink.  Chris was not so good on skates.  

Confession: I remember liking this movie

After the ice skating, Fav Britt said that the ladies went to Arlington without him, and she LOVED IT!  This seems like an untruth.  Though he's bad with words, Chris succinctly summed up why women like Britt win the Bachelor when he said, "I can't imagine bringing a woman like that to Arlington."  

Minutes later, Carly Rae attempted to slow down Fav Britt's roll by telling Chris that Britt is lying about her Arlington-love.  Chris confronted Fav Britt about whether she would really like Iowa.  Britt said that she's great at reinventing herself and would love to give Iowa a try. Assuming Britt wins, these statements do not bode well for a lengthy marriage.  

After expressing concern about taking Chris to her parents' house, Kaitlyn Rickles got the date rose.  When Chris returned to the room, Fav Britt gave him a death stare followed by a verbal shredding in front of the other two women.  Chris ran away from the conversation (hopefully for some emotional counseling from Harrison).  

The episode ended with Fav Britt worried that she's going home, the other women confident that Fav Britt is going home, and me wondering why this Bachelor "event" needed to be two nights long.  

Until tomorrow night, when your main man Dugan takes over.

The Bachelor Episode 6: The Badlands Bye Bye

Widowmaker Cleanup on Aisle 5

We begin the episode still in Santa Fe with some work left from last week’s rose ceremony amid the Widowmaker’s panic attack. Rickles gives an early QOTN summing up everyone's thoughts - “Bitches be crazy.”

The girls have serious doubts about the Widowmaker’s condition and claim she's only playing "the widow card." Have Tim and I told you we love this show? Their doubts worsen when the only salve for her panic attack appears to be alone time with the Faux Hawk Farmer.

The Widowmaker has faith in her antics, letting the medics know her thoughts, “I’m gonna get a rose tonight, for sure. Just give me the bunch.”

It's Rose Ceremony Time

Fav Britt, Carly Rae, and Nurse Whitney are safe.

Joining them are...

• Playboy Jade
• Rickles
• No IQ Megan
• Hugs Becca
• The Maculate Virgin
• The Widowmaker

Goodbye Ferngully and Samantha. I write this with the utmost sincerity, Samantha, we hardly knew ya. Like, I have NOTHING to say about you other than not knowing anything about you.

And We're Off to Deadwood

Chris is excited because Deadwood is the home of Wild Bill Hickock and "this is where Calamity Jane did her business”

Would not receive a rose from Dugan

Does anyone else watch the show like us? I see that limo stroll into town and wonder how many limo companies are in Deadwood, South Dakota? At least one. It's a city of 1,200 people in a county of 24,000. There can't be much need for limo service at the Deadwood Mountain Grand. Incidentally, I picked a night a few weeks out and searched for the most expensive room in the hotel? 129.00. 

Huge Becca with the One-on-One

It's a nice country date for Chris and Hugs. A little horseback riding, shooting and campfire cooking.

This picture accurately explains the date.

Fleiss & Co. 

Two date notes

• Mrs. Dugan did ask a poignant question: Are they cooking Shish Kabobs with their hands??? 
• Chris got a kiss and Hugs Becca got a rose. 

Group Date with Big, Rich, No IQ Megan, Rickles, Carly Rae, Fav Britt, Nurse Whitney, and Jade 

Oh, you don't know Big and Rich? Yes, you do. They sing that song you hear every week in the fall at 9:00am. 

Let's run this group date down quickfire, hot take style

• Carly Rae has been dying for this date all season
• There are probably few blog writers that know less about country than your esteemed duo.
• Nashville Native No IQ Meghan is good to go.
• Playboy Jade is more nervous than uh....nevermind.
• Big or Rich (I don't know who is who) helps calm Jade down with a run

Jade with Big...or Rich

• I'll give Chris credit as he also sang horribly before putting the girls on the spot.
• Britt wasn't bad.
• Nurse Whitney was bad
• Rickles was her namesake appropriate crude self
• No IQ Megan wasn't so bad.
• Carly Rae gave a strong performance. 
• It was pretty dick of Fleiss & Co. to make Jade go after Quasi Professional singer Carly Rae.
• The most important part of the episode was a short glimpse of the girls doing the EDDIE FROM OHIO DOSEY DOE

What's Fav Britt's nickname? Oh, Favorite. Wow, never has a Bachelor/ette contestant opened such a commanding lead this early in a season. I am thinking about a nickname change to Secretariat because I like my references old and musty - like pictures of Tom Snyder. 

Thinks Secretariat nickname is gold. 

How fast did Chris get out of the firing squad after giving the group date rose to Secretariat? The audience knew it was bad...then Nurse Whitney lets us know they were ditched for OVER AN HOUR. It's safe to say that no one from the group of No IQ Megan, Rickles, Carly Rae, Nurse Whitney or Jade is winning this thing. You cannot ditch your future wife for an hour on a date to hang out with Secretariat. Chris just created five ready, willing and able Widowmakers.

It's the Two-on-One Nick Name Smackdown

It's the Widowmaker v. The Maculate Virgin. Enter Helicopter. The Widowmaker knows all 4 presidents on Mount Rushmore. Although she could have been more specific on "Roosevelt." The Maculate Virgin countered with a pretty strong breakdown of nuance in season two of The Hills.

Ok, let's see how they spend their one-on-one time with Chris.

The Maculate Virgin gets down to business. A little make out session followed by Widowmaker bashing. Predictable, but a strong performance nonetheless. 

Enter the Widowmaker. She's touting her experience as a wife. However, we all know how that ended for the last guy. Perhaps not her strongest card to play. Then, Chris rats on The Maculate Virgin.

Then we get the confrontation.

oh shit.

Ashley I, I'm going to use your real name because I don't want you to get confused. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris is drowning in the Maculate Virgin's tears and has to send her home. He correctly pointed out that that she wouldn't really fit in Iowa or with Chris' lifestyle. What happens next was a personal highlight for me and my QOTN. It appeared to shake Chris.

TMV: “Oh, and you feel Britt wants that lifestyle???”

Going down swinging

Next comes the rare double cut. And we get a helicopter exit for our Faux Hawk Farmer leaving The Maculate Virgin to her doom with the Widowmaker. Best exit since Guard and Protect Your Heart was left on a glacier to die of hypothermia. 

Until next week when Wags returns and order is restored.

Important Faux Hawk Farmer Bachelor Update

h/t to faithful blog reader Paula.

The Bachelor Episode 5: Faux Love

Good evening Bachelor fans.  It's Monday night and I'm feeling great.  I got Mrs. Wags to my right and Dewars and ice cream to my left.  I've been thinking about true love a lot lately, particularly the question of how one finds it.  A minute ago, Mrs. Wags said, "what's crazier than finding your one true love?"  And I think I agree.  So maybe the Bachelor, the most insane show on TV, actually is the best way to find your wife.  So just think about that for a minute.  (But don't think about it too hard because you'll probably come to the opposite conclusion).

Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh.

The episode started with Chris declaring that Santa Fe, New Mexico is the perfect place to fall in love.  It also has lots of mountains.

Santa Fe is for lovers.  

No IQ Megan said that Santa Fe is going to be a "culture shock."  She realizes that she's going to the Newer version Mexico, not the older version to the south of Arizona, right?  This season might have the least intelligent contestants of all time.

Did you know that Maculate Virgin Ashley is a virgin?  If you didn't, she reminded us within her first three words.  Please send her home.  

Solo Date #1: Carly Rae

Chris and Carly began their date by walking through a mansion with no one in it.  When they arrived in the backyard, a woman was meditating.  Carly said that a meditating woman was the "last thing she expected to see."  

Maybe this would be the last thing you'd expect to see?

Turns out the woman in the backyard was a love guru.  She tried to get Carly and Chris to relax and touch each other gently.  Carly and Chris acted like they were freshman at a single sex high school.  If you haven't experienced the awkwardness of freshman year at a single sex school, please let me refer you to my pimples and no girls talking to me.  

Fleiss and Co. like to pretend that the bachelor chooses and plans the dates.  The love/sex guru date proved that Chris has nothing to do with choosing these dates.  

The date became more comfortable once Chris and Carly started breathing on each other.  Recommendation: don't do this after drinking a glass of Dewars.  

Back at the house, Widowmaker Kelsey told the story of how her husband walked to work one day and then dropped dead.  Strangely, she couldn't remember the cause of death.  Congestive heart failure, she seemed to recall.  This is more depressing than a Nationwide Insurance Super Bowl commercial.

Back on the date, Carly said she hadn't been intimate with someone for a year and a half.  Her last boyfriend didn't want to touch her.  I did a little research and found a picture of Carly's ex: 

It's not you, it's me.

Chris made Carly feel better by giving her a rose.  Chris then said he thinks Carly "could be the best wife anyone could ask for."  So should we just stop the show now?  Fantasy suites, who needs 'em?  

Group Date: Jade, No IQ Megan, Kaitlyn Rickles, Nurse Whitney, Ferngully Mackenzie, Hugs Becca, Samantha, Widowmaker Kelsey, and Maculate Virgin Ashley

The group date was white water rafting on the Rio Grande.  No IQ Megan expressed concern about what might be in the water.  There could be "alligators...or dead bodies."

Admittedly not my best Microsoft Paint effort

While rafting, Jade fell in the cold water.  In a twist of fate, it turns out that Jade has a condition that causes her body to go into hypothermia at normal temperatures.  It's almost like this show is scripted. Good news though, the cure to her "condition" was a foot rub.

While wandering around the hotel with cameras on him, Jordan approached him.  It's okay if you don't remember Jordan because Chris eliminated her in week 2 because she drank too much.  When Chris told her that she drank too much on the show, Eliminated Jordan said, "to be honest, it's something that still gets the best of me." (QOTN nominee).

Chris then allowed Jordan to join in on the group date.  The other women were understandably furious.  On the other hand, there should be no question in any of their minds that Fleiss and Co. forced Chris to keep Eliminated Jordan on the date.

After all of the women decried Chris's decision to keep Jordan on the date, Chris sent Jordan home.  Shocker.  On a scale of 1 to 10, this date was a boring.

The date rose went to the woman that seems like she's "truly there for the right reasons," Nurse Whitney.

Solo Date #2: Favorite Britt

Favorite Britt's date card said that the "sky's the limit."  Britt broke into tears.  It turns out that Britt is terrified of heights.  It's almost like this show is scripted.

On the day of the date, Chris snuck into the room at 4:30 am to surprise Britt.  Britt was in full makeup, so she didn't seem caught off guard.  Carly Rae revealed that Britt always sleeps in full makeup for situations like this.

The date was not sky diving, but rather hot air ballooning.  Though Britt claimed that a roller coaster would terrify her because of heights, she had no problem getting in a hot air balloon.

Which medical condition is more fraudulent?

Jade's high temperature hypothermia

Britt's fear of heights

Poll Maker

Back on the date, Britt said she honestly wants 100 kids.  Honestly.   She either doesn't know what the word honest means, or she failed science class miserably.

Favorite Britt got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, Widowmaker Kelsey snuck into Chris's room because she had to let him know she was a widow.  She stated that she couldn't be sent home without letting Chris know that she's a widow.  I'm having a hard time understanding the logic of that statement.  She then claimed that her story is "amazing."  Whoa whoa whoa.  This gal is NUTS.  Mrs. Wags described her as a sociopath.  So what I'm trying to say is, nice work Fleiss and Co.  You producers continue to find mental health diamonds in the rough.

That boy's head is like Sputnik

Still before the rose ceremony, Chris started to make a speech to the women, but got all emotional.  Thankfully, he had Harrison to lean on.  Harrison always knows the right thing to say.

Chris then declared that there would not be any cocktail party (the horror!).  But before the rose ceremony could begin, Widowmaker Kelsey stood up, walked ten steps, and had a panic attack.  While sprawled out on the floor, she declared, "I'm having a panic attack."  She's really pulling out all the stops to try and secure this rose.  Sadly, we'll have to wait until next week.  The not-so-thrilling answers are to be continued...

Until next week when Dugan and rose ceremonies return!