The Bachelorette Episode 10: JoJo's Finale

Like it is Christmas Eve, I can't wait to start this episode.  The anticipation is almost too much.  With a bourbon in hand (and some farmer's market melon...thanks Mrs. Wags!), the time has arrived for the best part of the season.  NEIL LANE!!!

Black suit, no tie?  It's a lock.

Other than Neil Lane, I am also excited to see JoJo's drunk mom, JoJo's meathead brothers, some Chris Harrison counseling sessions, the possibility of a full-Mesnick, and pensive solo walks on the beach.  Let's begin...

The episode started off with Harrison describing this as the "3 hour finale."  Sorry loyal readers, I have only budgeted two hours of energy for this episode.  This blog post is pulling into the station at 10 p.m.  

Guess what?  JoJo has fallen in love with both men. Tell us something we don't know.  JoJo announced to her family that she "thinks she loves both of them."  As though she's never watched the show before, JoJo's drunk mom looked shocked by this not-news.  

QB4 Meets the Fam

JoJo's mom introduced herself as "JoJo's Mom."  This was not a mystery; she definitely will not be mistaken for JoJo's sister.  

How did JoJo's parents meet?    

Two peas in a pod, a very drunk pod.

They all seemed to like QB4, though he did not ask for her hand in marriage.

Swimmer Robby Meets the Fam

Robby started off by calling her "Jo."  So last week he called her "Joelle" and this week it's Jo.  Swimmer thinks he's going to win this thing on nicknames.  

JoJo's mom liked Robby's "gentleman demeanor" and how he "wasn't flying off the roof."  I haven't seen her take one drink, but she definitely strings thoughts together like a perma-drunk.  

The meathead brothers, wearing matching khakis, told JoJo that she needs to think about her choice as more than a New Year's Eve date, and focus on kids and buying a home.  Since both of these guys are former mediocre pro athletes, she might want to go in the time machine and pick a guy with some more potential.  

Robby asked "Dr. Fletcher" for "Joelle Hannah Fletcher's" hand in marriage.  Robert Chadwick Barnes, permission granted.  

Family Recap

The family is highly in favor of Robert.  On the other hand, QB4's hairspray might be too much to turn down (and the meathead brothers seem to like the chance to meet QB1.)  

There was another woman in the room that never said a word.  Is that JoJo's sister?  Sister-in-law?  Cousin?  One thing was clear though, Fleiss and Co. did not have any interest in her opinion.  

In case you were wondering, JoJo is in love with both of them and doesn't know what to do.  

Swimmer's Final Date

JoJo planned a beach date.  I'll bet Swimmer was a little bit nervous to get his hair wet because of all the time he spent working on it. 

Swimmer described his dream life: sitting on a comfortable couch with a dog next to them, the kids asleep in the next room while dinner was in the oven.  I looked over at Mrs. Wags with tears welling up in my eyes, ready to point out that Swimmer described our life to a T.  Before my emotions took over, Mrs. Wags pointed out that our oven doesn't work and shoots out fireballs.  Also, our dog ruined the moment by farting on me.  Thanks Birdie. 

It's getting fixed on Saturday.  Don't worry.

Joelle seems very into Robert.  He's obviously the right choice.  Robert provides the "love she's been waiting for" and could lead to a "lifetime of happiness."  All of this means she's likely to choose QB4.  

QB4's Final Date

The date started off with a boat ride.  The marina flew the flag of Thailand.   

Brought to you courtesy...of the Red, White, and Blue.

QB4 and JoJo discussed the family time.  JoJo expressed concern that QB4 didn't ask her dad for permission.  JoJo now doubts that QB4 is ready.  QB4 replied, "I'm so much more than ready."  But he didn't ask permission because of Robby.  Like his playing career, he was only ready if the starter went down.  

I was a little bit distracted by QB4's lies about how much he loves her, but I was really distracted vy how our TV couldn't contain his hair.  

Not even photoshopped.

The evening ended, and all I could think of was the wisdom of Stevie Nicks:

No more broken hearts
We're better off apart
Let's give it a try
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies

Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)
Oh, no, no you can't disguise
(You can't disguise, no you can't disguise)
Tell me lies

NEIL LANE

As predicted (and desired), Neil Lane showed up in tropical Phuket in a summery black suit.  Both Robby and QB4 chose rings that were approximately 7.5 carats.  These guys should go big considering neither of them have real careers or an ability to pay for a ring of such magnitude. 

Neil's time on the show ended so quickly, but it worth watching 12 hours of this show to get to those special three minutes.  

The Final Rose

For the first time in the episode, we got to see Harrison outside of the studio.  It feels like JoJo's decision would have been much easier had she sought his counsel.  

First out of the limo (a.k.a. kiss of death): Swimmer Robert.  Though he approached in a cloud of confidence, Joelle quickly broke his heart.  Like a true gentleman (or someone trying out for a soap opera), Robby just wants her to find happiness.  Mrs. Wags feels bad for JoJo because Robby had the better ring.  

As expected, JoJo chose QB4.  

Good luck with this guy.  

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Nights in Thailand

Hello friends. We are back to finish off last week’s hometown with Cool Hand Luke’s last stand. I have a confession. One of my favorite parts of this blog is when nicknames chosen on night one prove prescient. We have that with Cool Hand Luke’s exit tonight. The movie, Cool Hand Luke, is most widely known today for a quote which begins with "What we've got here is failure to communicate…" 

Cool Hand Luke’s failure to communicate his feelings with JoJo leaves us with a trip to Thailand with the final three: Chase Needs a Nickname, Swimmer Robby and QB4. JoJo has admitted she has strong feelings for two and questions whether she can get up to three by the end of this episode. The bar is set, Fleiss & Co.. You have brought us Bachelor/ettes agonizing over a final two. Is it finally going to happen? Are we going full Big Love and have JoJo fall in love with 3 men at the same time?!?

Swimmer Robby & the Crazy Market

Swimmer Robby gets first crack at JoJo and they walk around a local Thai market. They endure a thunderstorm that could even scare Floridian Robby and relax with a pedicure. Overall, a fairly banal bachelor date. We get to dinner which leads to the fantasy suite offer and acceptance.

Next, we wake up with Robby and JoJo in their afterglow. I am always uncomfortable with the post-fantasy suite morning scenes. It feels like cameras should not be in that room. Nevertheless, Fleiss & Co. know what the people want.

Hut, Hut Hike with QB4

We begin the date with the running embrace. Cue Mrs. Dugan’s nausea. I’ll admit this is awful while also admitting I instagramed a shot of the Dugan kids with a running embrace just last week.

QB4 and JoJo endure a physical date with a hike to a hidden temple amidst some beautiful caves. I like QB4 and JoJo as a couple. They appear to have a real relationship. The other guys simply try to say what they think JoJo wants to hear. QB4 asks real questions. He asks about her family and her likes/dislikes. Instead of trying to prove himself, he is actually interested in getting to know JoJo. It’s clear he’s the frontrunner and her favorite. It’s also clear that Fleiss & Co. have pegged him as the next Bachelor. She cannot pick him and it will lead to drama.

QB4 has already started to flip the script. When together, it appears as if JoJo is already on QB4’s season. Dugan prediction alert! QB4 is the next Bachelor and JoJo will return as a contestant on HIS season after her pick of the Swimmer ends abruptly. We get another fantasy suite and awkward morning shots.

Chasing JoJo

Chase and JoJo have fun with some fish and end up on a beach date. I stopped paying attention while I started to think about the most famous “Chases” of all time. Here’s what I came up with:

Chase Utley – 6 time all star, bats left, throws right, raises money for PETA and played himself in an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Chase Paw Patrol – the lead dog in a pack of dogs known as the "PAW Patrol". They work together on rescue missions to protect the city of Adventure Bay.

Chase Budinger – NBA player who was an absolute baller at Arizona

Chevy Chase –  comedic actor who is best known for his appearances on Saturday Night Live and his starring roles in the films Caddyshack and Fletch.

Salmon P. Chase – As Secretary of the Treasury under Lincoln, Salmon P. Chase implemented the National Banking Act and was the sixth chief justice of the Supreme Court. Salmon?

Samuel Chase – impeached Supreme Court Justice

Blues Brother Chase – if you've seen it, you know it.

Best Chase?

Chase Utley

Chase Budinger

Salmon P. Chase

Chevy Chase

Samuel Chase

Chase from Paw Patrol

Blues Brothers Chase

quiz creator

Woah! I need to start paying attention again as Chase begins to profess his love in the fantasy suite. It isn’t mutual and she’s going to cut him right here. We get our first FANTASY SUITE CUT of all time!!!

HISTORY is made in the ashes of Chase’s dignity.

JoJo: “I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you.”

Chase puts drink down.

Chase: “I get the point.”

This is some serious rejection and Chase keeps bringing the quotes!

“Jumped over a hurdle and skewered.”

“Now love = GTFO”

“That’s like pull your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts.”

Without Robby, we have a 2-Rose Rose Ceremony with only QB4 and Swimmer Robby remaining.

2 Men. 2 Roses. No one goes. They will be Bros. I’m all out of prose.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: A Home Run

The title of this post reminded me that we are near the end of the season, yet we are only on episode 8.  Assuming each episode represents about 1 week, that means JoJo and her swoopy-haired suitors have only known each other for 2 months....max. And in a few weeks, one of the swoops will be proposing marriage!  I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!  Okay.  Mint chip and Dewars tonight because I deserve this.  

On to the show.  Let's see who has a weird sibling/parent/friend/dog...

Hometown #1: Colorado with Chase Needs A Nickname

Though Aaron Rodgers plays in the frozen tundra, Chase lives in a frozen tundra.  

Welcome to Colorado

Chase revealed that his parents' divorce included lawsuits.  Too real.  Let's look at Chase's marble countertops instead.

Chase's dad came over for a visit, but Chase "doesn't see his dad very often." But he was really excited to see him on the show:

Chase's dad has "several stepchildren."  Does Chase know how many step-siblings he has?  Several seems like anywhere between 3 and 6.  If you asked me how many 2nd cousins I have, I might say several.  If you ask me how many brothers I have, I say 1.  And his name is JOE!  

The evening position of the date was with Chase's real family (Mom, Stepdad, Sister, Brother-in-Law, and Nephew.)  Chase's brother-in-law is totally bald...so I love him.  

Chase's family had a ski-lift converted into a backyard bench.  Okay, Colorado, that's pretty cool.  

Chase's mom told JoJo, "If you're not having fun, you need to have fun."  While simple, I guess I kind of agree.  

Chase and his sister had a heart-to-heart about how badly their dad treated them, making it difficult to say the word "love."  Bring in Chris Harrison; we need to have a therapy session with the Needs a Nickname family.  

Chase's mom reports to Chase that JoJo is great because she "loves dogs and hates fish."  Apparently, this feeling was shared with Chase's mom.  As a former fish tank owner and pet store employee, I strongly disagree.  

Chase, as required by Fleiss and Co., told JoJo he's falling in love with her.  

Hometown #2: California with QB4

JoJo arrived in California, saw some deer, and went to QB4's high school.  This Bachelor(ette) tradition of going back to your high school is pretty strange.  I LOVED high school, and I have probably been back to my high school one time for my one brother's graduation.  

QB4 says he didn't have a high school sweetheart.  I said that seems hard to believe.  Mrs. Wags thinks he might have had a high school "sweet him."  

As we all know by now, Aaron Rodgers, one of the several Rodgers brothers, is the outcast.  And the reason is pretty obvious:

Hint: it's not swoopy.

If you thought QB4 had big hair, check out Luke's girlfriend, JonBenet:

The visit was very strange because JoJo couldn't stop talking about Aaron Rodgers.  

I don't even know where to go with this date summary.  It ended.  So that's that.  

Mrs. Wags' take:  He keeps trying to convince us that he's in love with her.  She doesn't trust him.  He doesn't love her.  And then you bring JonBenet into the whole thing, and you lose all focus.  And by the way, did you know his brother is Aaron Rodgers?  See, there you go.  I'll help you out.

Hometown #3: Florida with Swimmer Robby

Continuing with my hair obsession, it seems like Swimmy is doing some black magic with that hairline.  Maybe all the time in the swim cap did permanent damage?

JoJo expressed concern that Swimmer was with his last girlfriend for 4 years and then broke up with her 3 months ago.  By any math, that's too recently.

None of Swimmer's family matters except his mom:

Also, it's a good thing Dugan lives in Florida.  Are double-walled, wine-glass-in-plastic-cup insulated barware a Florida thing?  The Swimmer family seemed pretty into these.  While wildly functional, we don't see these too often while wine tasting in the Valley.  

Swimmer's mom broke the news that there are some rumors that Swimmer's ex-girlfriend's roommate's brother's mother's cousin is spreading rumors that Swimmer broke up with her to go on the show.  Swimmer tried to get ahead of the rumor mill by letting JoJo know about the rumors.  When asked if there was any truth to the rumors, Swimmer replied:

Swimmer's date ended.  He's nervous that he blew it.  

Hometown #4: Texas with Cool Hand Luke

JoJo loves being back in Texas, Cool Hand's quiet confidence, and his serial killer eyes (in that order).  

Cool Hand drove JoJo to his house in his Chevy truck.  It seemed like a commercial for Chevy.  But Fleiss and Co. would never do in-show advertising, so Cool Hand must just be a Chevy guy.  

Scott Baio!!!

Cool Hand hosted a barbecue with his parents, his sister, and 50 friends (i.e. the entire town). 

Cool Hand and his family seem pretty normal.  Texans sometimes fool you into thinking that it might be fun to live in Texas:

Deep down, we all know Waco is a dump

Cool Hand's date also ended. As expected.

Rose Ceremony

The Rose Ceremony took place in an airplane hangar.  Why not, right?  When you're Chris Harrison, you can do anything.

Before the ceremony, JoJo told the cameras that she would get rid of Cool Hand Luke.  Cool Hand asked for a word before the rose ceremony.  He professed his love, and JoJo started taking a stroll around the hangar while having a good cry.  I hope you like the hangar because this episode is to...be...continued!

Like they always say, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Getting to Home

We pick back up with the Bachelorette in Buenos Aires. Full Disclosure: Tim convinced me to watch with Whisky. It really helped me get through the show. But, it has NOT helped me turn my notes into a coherent blog. However, we need to forge ahead as hometown dates are around the corner and we are left with 6 men and must end this episode with 4, 

Who’s left? Sweet Baby James, Chase Needs a Nickname, Marine DeVito, QB4, Swimmer Robby, and Cool Hand Luke…but let’s be honest. We all know QB4, Swimmer Robby and Cool Hand Luke are getting hometowns.

Marine DeVito gets a Boost

Marine DeVito rides with JoJo as the remaining men take a bus across Argentina. MD and JoJo do not appear to have much chemistry but at least he’s not rapping like the five honkeys on the bus….OH GOD WHY DID I SAY THAT?!? Marine DeVito flaunts has freestyle chops and demands JoJo give him something to rap about:

JoJo: “Me!”

Marine DeVito: “YoYo JoJo gots to go to the Liquor Sto.”

A small part of me just imagined a parallel universe where the BLM is actually protesting these 6 guys trying to rap. You know what isn’t a good sign for Marine DeVito’s chances? He walked out dressed as a Gaucho and she laughed at him. Short people love to be called short. JoJo: “You are a cute little gaucho.” By the way, if you do a google image search of “Midget Gauchos,” you can get into an internet wormhole. 

All we need is an opening and Fleiss & Co. are going to put him out of his misery. The hints have been there. (Yes, I’m ignoring that odd horse whisperer).

Marine DeVito delivered up a meatball and JoJo might as well have been GianJoJo Stanton.

MD: “Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life…” Then, he professes his undying love.

JoJo: “I don’t feel as excited as I should be…”

Goodbye Marine DeVito

QB4, Wine and Rogers Family Drama

Having been on a winery tour with Ms. Dugan, Tim and Mrs. Wags…this private jet winery tour is a big yawn. They crush grape with their feet and then drink it. Why? Is this how it’s done?

QB4 explains that he’ll meet his parents and brother and then his brother’s dog, Carl Weathers. You could tell that JoJo was upset she isn’t going to become besties with Olivia Munn. It appears Aaron Rodgers’ protection has broken down since his brother just blindsided him on national tv.

Then, we get a gem from QB4: “I could have kept playing but football didn’t define me.”

Robby, Chase, Sweet Baby James and the Rain Out Date

Ok, it’s getting late and I was mostly watching Stanton demolish the ball all over Petco.

· Sweet Baby James pounded a plate full of fried.
· The guys started massaging each other. No. Really.
· Pictionary and Truth and Dare made an appearance.
· James calls out Swimmer Robby for ogling other women.
· Swimmer Robby still secured the rose and will get a hometown date.

Cool Hand Luke, Guns, and the Quick Draw Rose Ceremony

They were set to have a nice date with some horseback riding and skeet shooting. After a couple shots, JoJo wanted to cut to the chase.

Robby is safe. QB4 and Cool Hand Luke feels safe. They are. Chase is joining them.

Goodbye Sweet Baby James.

Just yesterday evening, they let me know you were gone.

James, the plans Fleiss made put an end to you.

I walked out this morning and I wrote down this blog,

I just can't remember who reads it too.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain.

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,

But I always thought that I'd see you again.

Won't you look down upon me, Chris,

You've got to help me make a stand.

You've just got to see me through another day.

My body's aching and my time is at hand

And I won't make it any other way.

Oh, I've seen Jake and I've seen Vienna.

I've seen dates that I thought would never end.

I've seen Bachelor Pad when I could not find a friend,

But I always thought that I'd see James again...

The Bachelorette Episode 6: JoJo and the Bullies

In addition to being on the lookout for any sign of receding hairlines among these guys, I am also going to pay attention to whether the roses that they use are real.  I believe that the date roses are fake and the rose ceremony roses real.  While the answer to this question is of little consequence, most of the questions related to this show are inconsequential.  Of greater consequence is that I have vanilla ice cream and scotch in my brand new crystal glass (thanks to Mrs. Wags on father's day!)  On to the show...

The episode started off in Argentina.  This is perfect because lots of Bachelor(ette) contestants cry, and the most famous Argentinian also likes to cry.

JoJo just said "funnest."  Step into my office...you're fired. 

Harrison announced that, for the first time in Bachelor history, there will be a second two-on-one date.  America collectively remains unimpressed.  

Solo Date: All 4 Wells

Before his date, All 4 Wells announced that he is the only guy that has not kissed JoJo.  The other guys were "blown away" that he hasn't kissed her because they can't keep their hands off her.  

As they left for their date, the bullies all laughed at how nervous All 4 Wells appeared.  Chase Needs a Nickname said he needs to "besame brochacho."  Good thing he has cool hair because he has nothing else going on in the skull-region.  

The date theme was celebrating the vibrant culture of Buenos Aires, or as JoJo calls it, Bwenose Aries. They did some performance art while All 4 Wells debated whether to kiss JoJo.  He constantly second guessed when to kiss her.  He needs to bring K-Ci and JoJo as a confidence booster.  

Confession: I have no idea which guy was K-Ci

On the evening portion of the date, JoJo stuck with her standard question, "tell me about your last girlfriend."  All 4 Wells ended his last relationship because they treated each other more like friends.  Unfortunately, All 4 Wells just described the way JoJo feels about him.  All 4 Wells did not get the rose, but JoJo consoles him by letting him know that it has been "amazing" to get to know him.

JoJo "never thought her first kiss with Wells could be her last."  Mrs. Wags, looking down at her phone when JoJo uttered this quote, quipped "Did she kill him?"  That would be quite a twist.

Group Date: Cool Hand Luke, Robby, QB4 Jordan, Sweet Baby James, and Marine Devito

Sweet Baby James is feeling intimidated because the guys are all so perfect and are really cool dudes.  Get out your acoustic guitar RIGHT NOW.  Even the playing field Sweet Baby.  You don't need swoopy hair and a six-pack.  You can sing FIRE AND RAIN!!!  

The date included some street futbol penalty kick challenges. Only Sweet Baby made the kick.  Take that, jocks.  Missed penalty kicks in Argentina?  That sounds familiar.

In the evening the guys' hair looked extra swoopy.  Cool Hand Luke, one of the swoops, gives me the creeps.  Mrs. Wags seems convinced that he is a vampire.  I do not think I saw his face sparkle in the sun, but I can't be sure.  Yeah I read Twilight!  Team Edward, all the way. 

Sweet Baby did not take my advice on the acoustic guitar, rather he decided to talk smack about QB4.  Sweet Baby said QB4 has a "stud arm" and "appears in magazines."  Um, Sweet Baby, that's Jordan Rodgers, not Aaron Rodgers.  They are different people.  

I asked Mrs. Wags if it seems like too many of these guys are wearing leather jackets.  I was glad I asked because Mrs. Wags broke out in song:  

JoJo told QB4 that Sweet Baby thinks he is entitled.  Fight fight fight fight!

Cool Hand Luke stayed above the fray and got the date rose.

2-on-1 Date: Harry Potter Derek and Chase Needs a Nickname

Chase Needs a Nickname started off the date by saying that he is keeping his cards "close to his chest."  Close, but no cigarette.

The date activity was three-person tango dancing.  The dance class became a battle of passion and intense stares; hair gel and intentional stubble.  

Mrs. Wags, in an attempt to help us with Chase's nickname, suggests "Chasey and JoJo."  She then quickly and confidently followed up with, "you're welcome."  

I think I just got a slight eye-whiff of a receding hairline on Harry Potter Derek.  While he now becomes my favorite contestant, it means he's probably headed home soon.  

JoJo thought Chase Needs a Nickname needs to express how he feels.  Chase responded by saying he "came to the show for a reason, and the reason is you."  Mrs. Wags, still on fire from her West Side Story reference, points out that Chase quoted Hoobastank.  Yes, Hoobastank.  You remember these guys, you just didn't remember that they were called Hoobastank.

As predicted, Chase Needs a Nickname got the date rose and a slow dance to Don't Cry for Me Argentina (obviously).  Harry Potter cried all the way home in the minivan (obviously).  

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Highlights:

- The guys' hair height.

- Mrs. Wags declaring that JoJo's future husband may not be in the room.

- Sweet Baby continuing to ask for kiss-permission.

- Therapy sessions with Harrison.

Lowlights:

- Marine Devito's height.

- QB4's tight suit pants.

- Holding wine glasses on the bowl rather than the stem.

- Giving everyone a rose.

Joining Chase Needs a Nickname and Cool Hand Luke with roses was:

Robby

QB4

Marine Devito

Sweet Baby

JoJo did not send anyone home.  Boo.  

Until next week, when there is hopefully more analysis of margherita pizza...

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Adios Turd, Hello Uruguay

Oh, hey Turd.

First, I apologize for the delay in blogging this week. Especially since we ended last week on a cliffhanger with the Turd stalking the woods of Pennsylvania after being beat out by Marine DeVito on the two-on-one. The men in the house confront Turd one final time. Guess what? He has not miraculously matured into a rational adult. The Turd is forced out.

Cue All 4 Wells: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpkU4xKkp44

Pennsylvania Rose Ceremony

Let’s get to the highlights and the exits.

• Jim Gym pulls some poetry in a late round bid for a knockout.
• Damn Daniel not happy with Cool Hand Luke’s interruption when CHL already had a rose.
• All 4 Wells lamented the loss of the common enemy, Turd.
• ED Evan talked about how the guys have become mini-Chads. This sounds terrible.

• Cool Hand Luke, Marine DeVito, and QB4 have roses.
• Who’s joining them in South America?
• Harry Potter Derek
• Swimmer Robby
• Chase
• All 4 Wells
• Firefighter Grant
• Vinny Barbarino
• Sweet Baby James
• ED Evan

Goodbye Damn Daniel and Jim Gym. That poetry must have sucked. Damn Daniel at least gave a solid quote on the way out: “I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving my face”. WHAT?

Uruguay

QB4 gains the first one-on-one rose much to the other guys’ chagrin. All 4 Wells and others are starting to question QB4s motivation. Is he here for the right reasons? Where is Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey when you need him? JoJo confronts QB4 about an ex and claims that QB4 was not a good bf. QB4 said he did not cheat but “was in an environment where I enjoyed talking to other girls.”

Meanwhile, back at la casa, the guys are reading gossip magazine articles about JoJo’s ex – ironically named Chad. As the guys whip themselves into a frothy mess, it becomes very easy to understand why all these “great guys” are still single. Fleiss & Co. explain the situations to JoJo she nears a breakdown. To be honest, this seems like a fairly awful period in her life and the guys do a nice job supporting her when she opens up to them.

Sand Surfing with Cool Hand Luke, Harry Potter, Chase, ED Evan, Sweet Baby James, Barbarino, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, and Marine DeVito

• Some good wipeouts are interrupted by Harry Potter’s insecurity.
• Sweet Baby James keeps asking for kisses. It’s pathetic.
• Marine DeVito is ready to take on Harry Potter as the next Turd.
• Derek gets the reassurance rose from JoJo.
• Marine DeVito calls him “an insecure little bitch.” Lovely. Marine DeVito is the guy who spends the whole season talking about other guys.

Swimmer Robby and the non-spontaneous spontaneous date.

JoJo lauds Robby’s spontaneity as he was willing to just jump off the cliff in the water. It was so lucky that they both had their swimsuits on. How fortuitous! Later that night, Swimmer Robby details the tragic loss of his friend and drops a LOVE BOMB.

JoJo’s response? “Thank you so much” Hahahahahah. #LoveThisShow

Uruguay Rose Ceremony

Who has roses? QB4, Robby, and Harry Potter. Joining them?

• Cool Hand Luke
• Chase
• Marine DeVito
• Sweet Baby James
• All 4 Wells

No flame for you Firefighter Grant. Not enough testosterone, ED Evan. Up your nose with a rubber hose, Barberino.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: JoJo's Blueberry and Paper Airplane Life

As the poet Ludacris once said, "Oh no, a fight's out.  I'm about to punch yo [sic] lights out."  While Ludacris was impolitely asking a woman to "get out the way," he might as well have been sending a prophetic warning to ED Evan.  Turd's cycling steroids like I'm cycling ice cream (butterscotch pecan) and whiskey.  Let's begin...

The episode picked up with Turd being forced to make nice with the other less-meaty meats. Turd's version of an apology was to say that he will give ED $20 for a new t-shirt.  ED just wanted Turd to promise that he won't be violent.  Turd could not even really promise that.

Pool Party and Rose Ceremony

Instead of a cocktail party, the guys and JoJo had a pool party.  Jim-Gym pulled a reverse Damn Daniel and jumped in the pool wearing a business suit.  The pool party then came to a screeching halt when ED Evan got a bloody nose in the pool.  I can only remember one other instance of a pool clearing out as quickly:

The pool day took a more serious turn when Turd accused all the guys of talking about him to JoJo (they were.)  

Turd very angry.  About to make explosion.

Turd confronted Harry Potter about talking about him.  Harry Potter tried to pull a Jedi mind trick and told Turd, "Perception is reality." Is that true?  I am going to have to think about that one. 

Turd said he does not watch the Bachelor/ette because he "has a job and a life."  So I'm guessing he doesn't also have a Bachelor Blog?  

At the Rose Ceremony, joining ED Evan, Sweet Baby, and Chase with roses, was:

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter Derek

QB4

Robby

All 4 Wells

Jim-Gym (really falling in love with this nickname)

Vine Barbarino

Damn Daniel

Marine Devito

Turd

Goodbye Aladdin Ali  St. Nick, and Big Brother Christian.  Tough go for short guys.  Marine Devito is in trouble.  Mrs. Wags sadly says, "Who knew Santa could be so boring?"  JoJo ruined Christmas.

Great news!  The Bachelorette is leaving the mansion to a mystery location.  Bad news!  They're going to Pennsylvania.  The budget cuts are in full effect.

Solo Date #1: Cool Hand Luke

The date started with dog sledding on a wheeled cart.  Pennsylvania is such a wannabe Alaska.  The dogs dropped them off at a wood-fire hot tub in the forest.  Pennsylvania is confusing.  

The fire hot tub was an epic fail.  Not surprisingly, it is hard to control the temperature on wood burning hot tub.  JoJo burned herself.  

Something about Cool Hand seems a little off.  I think it's his eyes (I really like to look deeply into their eyes).  Then it hit me.  Because I've watched every Ashley Judd movie with Mrs. Wags multiple times, I realized who he looks like:

Is Cool Hand Luke also a war criminal?

Back at the house, Turd says you don't want to poke the "Chad Bear" because if he punches you, "you're head would explode."  Turd is like Harambe, a 400 pound gorilla that may need to be put down for the safety of others.  

Cool Hand Luke got a rose, but before the date ended, JoJo had one more surprise.  They went to a  Dan + Shay concert at the Palace in Allentown to slow dance in front of the audience.  I had to go an expert to figure out who Dan + Shay are:

Wags: Have you heard of Dan + Shay?

Brother Wags aka Little Wags: I have indeed.  They play solid, kind of Pop-esque country songs.

Wags: They were on the Bachelorette tonight.

Little Wags: Sell outs.  They're dead to me.   

Group Date: Harry Potter, Sweet Baby James, All 4 Wells, Damn Daniel, Chase Needs a Nickname, Jim-Gym, Vinny Barbarino, Ed Evan, Firefighter, QB4, and Robby

The guys went to Heinz Field, home of another notorious meathead, Ben Roethlisberger.  Big Ben, along with Hines Ward and Brett Keisel, put the guys through some football drills.    I wish Brett Keisel was on the show because he has a hairline that I can relate to.

My kind of guy

Back at the house, Marine Devito and Turd discussed their impending two-on-one date.  Turd says sometimes the only way to get someone to shut their mouth is to hit them.  Harrison better intervene before this gets ugly.

On the date, the guys played a 5-on-5 game.  In an unusual display of fairness, QB4 played all-time quarterback.  ED Evan got his second bloody nose of the night.  So sexy.

Shockingly, the team with ED Evan and Sweet Baby won the game.  It's a team sport, baby.  (GO WARRIORS!!!)

In the evening portion of the date, JoJo said that Robby is a "man."  I'd agree, except that he goes by "Robby."  C'mon Rob/Bob/Robert/Bert, grow up.  (Not enough "Berts" these days.)

QB4 got the date rose.

Two-on-One Date: Turd vs. Marine Devito

In preparation for the date, Turd called Devito a "whiny little bitch" and challenged him to go outside.    Turd said he would also find QB4 after the show and harm him.  Turd makes Sosa and McGwire's steroid use seem tame.  

Vinny Barbarino said the "notorious Chad" and the "notorious Alex" were going on dates.  When we need a nickname for Chase, we probably should not ask Barbarino.  

The date took the guys to the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.  The trio went on a hike to find the Blair Witch.  While in the forest, Fleiss and Co. made their all-time riskiest decision to give a machete to Turd and an axe to Marine Devito.  The Bachelorette's insurance agent must have been holding his or her breath.  

My real life handwriting may be worse than my digital handwriting.

Marine Devito outed Turd for threatening to physically harm the other guys.  Turd defended himself by saying that he has not hurt anyone, but has only threatened them.  He should hire an attorney to make all statements for him.  

Predictably, Turd confronted Marine Devito.  In a peculiar exchange, Turd said that it's too bad that life is not "all blueberries and paper airplanes."  Turd also said Marine Devito needed to chill out with a glass of milk because, "milk is delicious."  I can't disagree.  We then learned that Turd is also a Marine!  Who isn't a war veteran on this show?

Marine Devito got the date rose.  Hide the machete!  Turd is going home.  Like Turd always says, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.  

Turd walked through the forest to confront the guys back at the house.  

To be continued in two weeks, when we find out if Turd is actually the Blair Witch. 

The Bachelorette Episode 3: JoJo and the Meats

Hello from sunny South Florida as Dugan brings you the night 1 recap of a 2-night Bachelor special. I really don’t know how “special” this episode was, but I’ll try my best to capture the highlights before Tim brings you tonight's dramatic conclusion.

We wake up after last week’s rose ceremony and the house is a disaster, littered with Turd’s meat plates and shame. Look, Fleiss & Co. like to set up the same roles every season and they outdid themselves this year on the dickhead role. Lines in the sand have been drawn with the entire house on one side and Turd on the other with an occasional pep talk from Damn Daniel.

We have three dates with two boring One-on-Ones and a Group Date with enough action to make up for the dud dates.

JoJo, Chase, Angergasms and a Band No One’s Heard

Chase doesn’t have a nickname which is never a good omen. Chase gets a one-on-one yoga date with JoJo. I expected a calmer experience but was greeted with tantrums and angergasms. Is this normal yoga behavior?

Honestly, there really wasn’t much to write about this boring date. Chase’s parents divorced and he doesn’t want to make the same mistake. We hear a band no one knows and Chase earns the rose.  Moving forward, we are going out of order to bring you the second one-on-one simply to get it out of the way. 

Sweet Baby James and the Brian Setzer Orchestra

Sweet Baby James and JoJo learn to jump, jive an’ wail while James drops a sneaky contender for QOTN: “I’m just hoping JoJo is looking for a normal guy.” Solid work, normal guy. He explains that he was awkward growing up and doesn’t have much confidence in his looks. It’s another boring date that also garners a rose. 

Group Sex Talk with QB4, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, Jim Gym, Brother Daddy, Aladdin Ali, Damn Daniel, Saint Nick, ED Evan, Marine DeVito, Barbarino, and Turd

Predictable but a true classic from Salt-N-Pepa. The men are invited to a local community theatre where they detail their most embarrassing sex stories. Damn Daniel gives Turd the worst advice imaginable: Get your courage up with alcohol. Probably not a good idea considering who he was talking to.

Some highlights

• Firefighter Grant lost his virginity in a park and was arrested.
• Saint Nick knows his ABCs.
• QB4 detailed the importance of fluffing.
• Damn Daniel has some some major issues beyond befriending Turd.

ED Evan tops the rest with ease. He takes on the Turd with a searing take on steroids clearly directed at Turd. Turd does not approve and rips his shirt while passing to get on stage. He then falls flat when he tries to kiss JoJo but she deftly offers a cheek instead. 

ED Evan's Performance

Turd's Performance

The evening cocktail party was brought to you by the T-birds with JoJo, Barbarino, ED Evan, Firefighter Grant, and Ali all sporting leather jackets. 

Mostly this night becomes the ED Evan v. Turd show. Turd does drop some inside info saying ED Evan has 3 kids. This has not come out from EDE yet? We need more Evan backstory. Pastor turned ED specialist with three kids who may be on the wrong show...if you catch my drift. Regardless, Evan gets the rose and Turd is confused. To be fair, that’s likely a common feeling for Turd.

Chad's incredulity brought what would normally be the Dugan QOTN: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now…You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”

Back at the House

Harry Potter is scared for his life since he sleeps next to Turd. I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, but isn’t Harry Potter a wizard? He should be tougher. A Security Guard patrols the property in a high-letter yellow safety vest (WHY???) to protect the guys from Turd.

Damn Daniel decides it’s time to sit down with Turd.

DD: “Let’s just pretend your Hitler”

T:     “Let’s not say that”

DD:  “Let’s just pretend”

T:      “No”

DD: “Don’t be so much like Hitler, be more like Mussolini. Take it down a notch. Say your like Donald Trump…it doesn’t look good if I’m friends with you.”

I LOVE THIS SEASON. ED Evan turns to Chris Harrison to save him. Chris agrees to talk with Turd. Until tomorrow when we find out whether Chris’ efforts pay off. 

Save us, Chris.

Hint: they wont.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: JoJo and the Meats

Tonight presents commitment challenges.  Warriors game 7.  First Bachelorette post.  Sharks game 1. So You Think You Can Dance season premiere.  What is this fan of sports, the arts, and true love to do?  The answer: ice cream and whiskey!!!

My pick for the next pro sport Bachelor younger sibling:

Better family than the Rodgerses

I am especially enthusiastic about this season of the Bachelorette.  With possibly the most likable Bachelorette ever and some of the best nicknamed contestants already, we are in for a fun ride on Harrison's love boat.

The episode started off back at the bachelor house.  Chad the TURD started it off with a toast:

"To a beautiful girl.  A wonderful life.  F You all I'm going to make her my wife."  

Group Date: Cool Hand Luke, Firefighter Grant, Jersey Will, ED Evan, Damn Daniel, Vinny Barbarino, Aladdin Ali, Jim-Gym, All 4 Wells, and Robby.

Before JoJo arrived, Fleiss and Co. lit a limo on fire with some dynamite outside the mansion.  The men ran outside, and no one made a move to even find a hose.  The woman that might possibly be their future wife may have been burning, and no one did anything.  ED Evan remarked, "It's hot."  Firefighter Grant fought no fires.  Thankfully, the show will go on because it was just a stunt.  JoJo arrived on a fire truck and put out the fire.  

The first stop on the date was to the Fire Academy.  Poor Firefighter Grant.  This would be similar to Mrs. Dugan or Mrs. Wags taking us on a romantic trip back to the law library.  

Poor Radio DJ All 4Wells was not ready to take the physical challenge.  When Dugan and I had a radio show together in college (truth), we would have also needed oxygen if we had to compete in firefighter drills.

Back at the house, most of the men were singing songs about JoJo led by Sweet Baby James.  Mrs. Wags makes another great observation: "These guys are like a college acapella group."  Spot on.  TURD did not participate in the singing because he was busy eating a steak.  No joke.  

Thankfully (for his career, pride, and dignity) Firefighter Grant won the challenge.  Good for him.  (Firefighter Grant is my sneaky pick for the next Bachelor.)  

In the evening portion, JoJo started to like All 4 Wells, but I fell in LOVE with him.  A Radio DJ with a sense of humor and a bloodhound named "Carl?"   He's my favorite.  

Cool Hand Luke, in his first interaction with JoJo, explained that his last relationship was in 2013.  He is also ready to be vulnerable and open up.  This guy studied his Bachelor-required vocabulary before going on the show.  Well done, Cool Hand.  

All 4 Wells got the date rose.  

Solo Date: Harry Potter Derek

While Derek said he looked like Harry Potter, I think he might actually look more like a cross between Jim Halpert from the office and Aaron Rodgers.  

Always playing pranks on Dwight Shrute

The date started on a plane ride to San Francisco. ABC's Bachelorette budget is officially back!  Neil Lane's diamond will be at least 9 carats this year.

They had to make choices about what to do on their date.  Visit Mr. and Mrs. Wags or go to the Golden Gate Bridge?  We lost.  

Back at the house, TURD and Damn Daniel had a bro-chat about how girls need to watch out for the "nice guys."  They also discussed what type of protein shake all the others guys would be.  They seem like really cool guys.  

During the evening portion of the date, JoJo asked about Potter's last relationship.  He got a little choked up and said he has had a hard time "opening up" since then.  Is this a real thing?  Do 28 year old guys talk like this?  (Since Mrs. Wags and I have been together since 7th grade, it's pretty impressive that I have become an expert in analyzing a dating show.)

Potter got the rose.  

Group Date #2: QB4 Jordan, Brother Daddy Christian, Saint Nick, Sweet Baby James Taylor, Marine Devito Alex, and Chad TURD.  

The group date went to ESPN.  They were excited to see "the ESPN famous logo."  

JoJo, on the ESPN set, called Steph Curry a "pretty decent player."  I now consider JoJo "a pretty mediocre bachelorette."  

The guys were ranked by Marcellus Wiley (surprising Bachelor fan) and Max Kellerman after a series of challenges.  During one of the challenges, TURD called JoJo "naggy."   The other guys called out TURD.  TURD responded with raw, aggressive honesty, stating that she is not the first attractive girl he's ever seen and he does not know anything about her yet.  JoJo seemed to forget about the naggy comment and likes the TURD.  

Wiley deliver the QOTN: "You date Jordan, you have Aaron Rodgers coming over for Thanksgiving. That's some good turkey."

The rankings went Marine Devito in third, TURD ("he's so honest") in second, and Sweet Baby in first.  

In the evening segment, Sweet Baby said that a "smile is the only way to show on the outside what's on the inside."  It was so sweet that I almost believed it.  Body odor shows what's on the inside.  How about bad breath?  After I eat garlic fries, you definitely know what's on the inside. 

TURD seems to think that he knows what she wants: "a real man that tells it like it is."  

What TURD thinks JoJo wants.

What TURD thinks the other guys are like

TURD revealed that his mom recently died, but it is all okay because "life happens," and he has a really nice Maltie-poo dog that reminds him of his mom.  He is not only 'roided-out, but he also might be a sociopath.

Thankfully, Sweet Baby got the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, TURD had a few words and a kiss with JoJo.  The guys decided to confront TURD about his pre-rose ceremony convo with JoJo.  Marine Devito led the confrontation.  TURD laughed it off.  Marine Devito then delivered the WQOTN (Wags Quote of the Night): "This is now a house divided.  Winter is coming."  A Game of Thrones reference on the Bachelorette?!  My two favorite franchises combined.  

TURD told JoJo that he is "figureoutable."  Like Shakespeare created new words, so has TURD.

The guys once again confronted TURD, but he just walked away.  He described the confrontation like being surrounded by the Care Bears.  While he seems like a major jerk, he does make some pretty good points.  Why even engage with a guy like him?  The Care Bear Stare gets you nowhere.

Marine Devito and TURD are reaching a boiling point.

Joining All 4 Wells, Harry Potter Derek, and Sweet Baby James with roses was:

Marine Devito

Brother Daddy Christian

Bow Tie Robby

Cool Hand Luke

Chase

QB4 Jordan

Firefighter Grant

Aladdin Ali, Fabulous He, Ali Ababwa

Damn Daniel

Jim-Gym

Saint Nick

Vinny Barbarino

ED Evan (No way!)

TURD

Goodbye Superfan, Jersey Will, and Hipster.  

Until next week, with TWO episodes, and twice the TURDs.