The Bachelorette: Dorfman's Last Dance

It's great to be back, but first a recommendation. Fans of WWT and The Bachelor/ette: read the bios. It’s great material. We have professional athletes, soccer players, Drake fans, ambiguously straight bros and a black Jewish guy. The most interesting jobs include a pantsapreneur, helicopter pilot, bartender, wedding coordinator. I want to see a WWF steel cage match between the helicopter pilot, bartender and wedding coordinator against Harrison, Fleiss and Neil Lane. What would that look like? I will satisfy that curiosity, friends.

Macho Man Fleiss would end this fight in one round if Andi didn't take care of 2/3 of the Bachelor Tag Team on her own. For the love of Rod Carew, let’s get started!

Andi's Atlanta

Fleiss and Co are keeping up the charade that Ms. Dorfman is some crime fighting badass. Ms. Dorfman was admitted to the Georgia Bar on November 5, 2012. Filming for JP's season began September 17, 2013. With a hat tip to Wags, I'd venture that Ms. Dorfman practiced as much law as the dental student Ashley fixed teeth.

Regardless, her name is Dorfman and her father may be the actual Dorfman. 

Disprove:

Let's Meet the Bros

This season is going to be pretty brotastic. There are many questions but none more important than this: Will Neil Lane get his bachelor groove back? Let's buckle up, enjoy the ride, and pray for Neil.

Limo #1

• We have nervous Marcus from Canada, the sports medicine managing Canadian. He will be known moving forward as "Gosling"
• Chris the Iowa farmer, now known as "John Deere"
• JJ, the pantsaprenuer who enjoys the movie "Wet Hot American Summer," a Dugan favorite, "Dockers"
• Marquel, the California cookie man, "Famous Amos"
• Tasos, the Denver wedding coordinator, "Tacos"

 Limo #2

• Cody, a Chicago personal trainer pushed the limo, popped the collar on his jacket and became "The Albino Rhino"
• Steven is "Snowboard Steve." Steve, your nickname sucks which usually doesn't bode well.
• Rudie, aka "Attorney Rudie" (see above) tried some “fun attorney humor” out of the limo. THERE IS NO SUCH THING. 

• Carl is a firefighter from South Florida and a Dugan favorite simply for those two reasons.
• Jason is a doctor in the mold of Domer Dr. Larry from the last Bachelorette season. We'll call him "Ace" and hope to meet "Gary" later.

Limo #3

• Nick B. has 10 siblings, gets the first impression rose in an upset and is "Hans"
• Note: If you have watched the movie Frozen 1232 times like I have, you understand why this name is funny and fits.
• Dylan is a 26 year old accountant from Mass and a Mrs. Dugan pick to go far (along with Carl)
• Patrick plays soccer and is "Frat Bro 2"
• Emil. Oh, Emil. I have a client named Emil. He pronounces his name “Eh meal.” It's simple. People don't mess it up. Our friend Emil on the Bachelor pronounces it "Anal" but with an "M." We'll call him "Anal" with an "N."
• Brett comes out of the limo with a lamp and I immediately lost interest. He's a hairstylist and in honor of Vidal Sassoon from last season will be named "Paul Mitchell"

Limo 4

• Craig comes out popping bottles and you have to like that
• Ron's a black guy from Israel so he's "Rod Carew"
• Bradley's an opera singer...well, this one's easy. "Opera Man"

• Josh B is a Denver telemarketer and should be sent home immediately just for being that. There should be a first impression rose and a first elimination carnation. He's excited, we aren't.

Golf Cart #1

• Nick S. is a pro golfer from Florida nka "Ty Webb"

Limo #5

• Brian's a Pennsylvania basketball coach. Oh, do you coach the Sixers? No. St. Joe's? No. Temple? No. UPenn? No. La Salle? No. Villanova? No. Wait, really? Can you say that you are a "Coach" if its at the elementary school level? Wouldn't saying "teacher" be better? 

Regardless, a great nickname can get you far, "Coach"

• Andrew pulled the "Andrew and Andi" cute card, I gagged and will call him "Frat Bro 1"
• Mike has long hair and people call him "Camps.” I call him "Gary" as he belongs with Ace. 
• Eric gives Andi some "Andes" mountain dolls
• Josh M is a former pro baseball player that now lives in Atlanta

Cocktail Hour Highlights

There was not much time shown between Andi and the guys so we will have to hit the highlights:

• Josh M is her type but she has to find out if he's there for the right reasons. Man, that didn't take long.
• Fantastic editing by Fleiss & Co. when Andi leads with "maybe my type's gonna change" and they cut to the next scene with Andi and Famous Amos sitting together.
• Famous Amos also gave her a black and white cookie and he's my favorite person on the show by far.
• Chris B from Emily's season tried to show up and Andi shuts him down. No appeals would be heard. It was a big time blow to the face. Where? IN DA FACE.

• Opera Man sings (you don't say?)
• Frat Bro 1 and Frat Bro 2 realize they have a ton in common and are really into each other
• Despite what she says, John Deere is going to have an uphill battle convincing Dorfman into the rural life
• Gosling drops a line of Polish and German, disclaims any proficiency but gets a "he's so worldly" from Andi.
• In the upset, Hans gets the first impression rose and we'll have to keep our eyes out for the False Protagonist turn sure to come later in the season

It’s Rose Time and Hans is Safe

1. Dockers
2. Eric
3. Famous Amos
4. Champagne Craig
5. Tacos
6. Josh
7. Coach
8. Opera Man
9. Gosling
10. Frat Bro 1
11. Rod Carew
12. Firefighter Carl
13. John Deere
14. Dylan 
15. Paul Mitchell
16. Frat Bro 2
17. The Albino Rhino
18. Ty Webb

The Cut List

1. Attorney Rudie
2. Anal
3. Snowboard Steve
4. Ace 
5. Gary
6. Josh B

Ace wants to know if something could have changed his chances? Mrs. Dugan and I tried to count what could have changed his luck.

1. Don't wear an awful tie - the only way you could get away with that color is if you were standing up and the bridesmaids had that color
2. Cut your hair. You are in your later 30s. No excuses, Dr.
3. Change your personality. Admittedly more difficult, but would have helped.
4. And the fact you probably don’t like women

So long Ace and Gary....we hardly knew ya.

The Bachelor Finale: The Anti-Juan Recap

(As you may know already, Dugan and I split our summaries for the finale.  Dugan will write his recap  from a pro-JP viewpoint (good luck, buddy!).  I will write the (much easier), anti-Juan perspective.)

Let's just admit up front that I have an easier task.

Per tradition, I will be enjoying tonight's finale with whisky and ice cream.  Not only does JP dislike the LGBT community, but I'll bet he dislikes my classic combo as well (just look at him smugly holding that Jamba Juice in the above photo).

Let's just lay out a few of the bad qualities we've seen this season:
1) Homophobic (Is not  okay)
2) Hasn't said one interesting thing (Is not  okay)
3) Chris B. Harrison doesn't really like him (Is not  okay)
4) Maybe gave Abbie crabs:



On to the episode . . .

The finale started off with horror music and JP looking like he was ready to kill someone.  Cut to Harrison saying this is going to be the "most surprising and shocking" finale ever.  Spoiler: you will be shocked to hear JP put together a full sentence.  You will then be surprised that there is no substance to any of these relationships.

Meet the Family #1: Vidal Sassoon Clare

It's always a beautiful thing when an autograph collector can introduce his hairstylist girlfriend to his parents.  I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Pablo are thrilled about the prospect of these two getting engaged and living in their basement for the rest of their lives.  Juan Pablo's World!  Juan Pablo's World!  Party time!  Excellent!  Woo woo woo woo!

Vidal got to meet Mrs. Pablo.  It reminded me of the first conversation I had with the Señora I lived with when I studied abroad in Madrid.

Me: "El cielo es azul y no va a llover."
Maria Baeza Ordonez: (shakes head)

Mrs. Pablo then told Vidal that JP can be mean at times.  JP's cousin Rodolfo then warned that JP often just walks away from relationships.  Did Fleiss and Co. do any background research on JP?  JP's own family was pretty clear about how he is with women.

Said his entire family.

Meet the Parents #2: Nurse Nikki

Nikki arrived.  Before a word was spoken, Mrs. Wags instantly pointed out that Nikki is not into JP.  I agree.  Sadly (for her), Nikki lasted one week too long to become the next Bachelorette.

Once again, JP's family warned that JP is "focalized" on what he wants and can be very difficult.  Focalized may not be a word, but I promise to use it at work at some point tomorrow.

Nikki described her favorite day with JP as going to the beach and doing lots of activities.  Mrs. Pablo then warned that JP's ideal day would be sitting on the couch watching TV (I didn't write that.  Mrs. Pablo actually said it).  These relationships can work!

At the end of the date, JP asked if he "could keep both" women.  Someone needs to explain the concept of the show to him.

Do your sexy face.

Final Date #1: Vidal

JP arrived in a helicopter, Vidal in a BMW SUV.  Fleiss and Co. spare no expense on unnecessary travel.  Sadly, JP's 2005 Camry that he drives back home may not have quite the same effect.

At the tail end of a helicopter ride, JP whispered into Vidal's ear that "he doesn't know her" and then said something "sexual" that was unrepeatable.  JP is taking a Walter White-esque downward spiral.

In the evening portion of the date, JP went to Vidal's place.  She wanted to talk.  JP wanted a besito.  Vidal wanted an explanation.  JP wanted an escape route.

Earlier in the season, JP's ex-girlfriend (Camila's mom) seemed to have no problem meeting Nurse Nikki and was very comfortable seeing JP with another woman.  After the first hour of this finale, that  previous scene with the ex is starting to make more and more sense.

Have you noticed that JP has been wearing an orange Livestrong-style rubber band bracelet all season?  As a society, I wonder if we can trust anyone that wears one of those bracelets anymore.  And after this finale, who has done more damage to the charity bracelet: JP or Lance Armstrong?

Who has done more damage to charity bracelets?

• Lance Armstrong
• Juan Pablo

Acepoll

More polls: Create you own poll

I was busy making the poll and somehow JP turned around this disaster.  I looked up from typing and Vidal was ready to marry him again.  Things are getting weird.

By the way, where's Neil Lane?  He's the best part of this episode.  If you're asking yourself who Neil Lane is, let me introduce the two of you.

Handsome

Final Date #2: Nurse Nikki

Nikki's date took them on a sailboat ride.   Nikki spent the date unsuccessfully convincing herself and the audience that she is interested in being engaged to JP.  

It's really a pleasure to watch the final two contestants realize that they do not know a thing about JP and might (have to) accept a proposal from him the next day.  It's never easy to realize that you've gotten this deep with a guy that has this tattoo:

Bracelet on other wrist

After a couple forced kisses in Nikki's suite, JP took off for the night.  Nikki then burst into tears in the room.  It's not the most ideal way to spend the night before you (might) get engaged.  

Proposal?

There are exactly 21 ABC minutes left in this episode and we still have not seen Neil Lane.  If we didn't realize it already from the horror movie music, this is not going to end well.

Instead of limo rides, the ladies took pontoon boat rides to the Bachelor proposal altar.  First off the boat was Vidal.  Mrs. Wags was pretty impressed with Vidal's ability to walk on the beach in heels.  She has seen me walk on the beach in snorkeling fins, so she's pretty much an expert on awkward beach footwear.   After Vidal said she wanted to be with him forever, JP then followed up by saying he thinks she's pretty, but "everyone has to go home sometime."  Goodbye, Vidal.   After giving JP a piece of her mind, JP said, with relief, "I'm glad I didn't pick her."  Yes, Juan Pablo.  Release your anger.  Become the all-time Bachelor villain:

Nurse Nikki then arrived, ready and willing get engaged.  But we, the viewing audience, know better.  There has been no Neil Lane.  Therefore, there will be no proposal.  In easily the most anti-climactic finale in Bachelor history, JP said that he had a ring in his pocket, but he's not ready to propose.  JP then ended the season by giving Nikki the final rose.  

So I guess that's it.  See you next season.  

The Bachelor: Juan Love Finale

For those reading at home, there will be two recaps of tonight's episode. This is Dugan here taking the pro-Juan Pablo side of events. I have to be honest, Fleiss & Co. really had me on the ropes there for a bit. About half-way through the episode, I texted Tim unsure if I could fulfill my role this evening. But the night continued and  the cloudy skies parted to reveal a hero to all true fans of not only love, but also the true goals of the Bachelor/ette. 

Et tu, Harrison?

As if the people of Venezuela have not suffered enough recently, host Chris Harrison comes out swinging during the opening. Chris promised tears, controversy, drama, debates and surprises. Worst of all, he questioned JP’s intentions. Tonight's episode reveals that Fleiss & Co. have a tried and true script and any deviations from said script will be dealt with through national ridicule and public shamming. It was tough to watch them eat their own because JP refused to play by their rules.

Et tu, Mama, Papa, Primo, Hermano?

• Claire is the first to meet JP's family in beautiful St. Lucia. In news that interests Dugan, Claire points out how much sexier JP is because of his fatherhood. Dugan is at least 3x as sexy as JP judging by the same standards.
• Claire spends two minutes around JP and his daughter and determines that JP is “exactly the type of dad I would want for my children.” HOW?
• Claire has 13 nieces and nephews and is ready to start her own brood.
• JP's family picks up where Harrison left off
• Mama reveals he is not only hyperactive, but super hyperactive, has poor communication skills, makes his own mother cry and is rude. Thanks, mom?
• Primo Rodolfo warns that JP will run at the first hint of relationship problems.
• Papa warns that JP is "not easy"

Let's sum up the family's advice: YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!

Nurse Nikki Brings Flowers and a Back Tat

Nurse Nikki's visit brought about my favorite moment from tonight's episode.

JP's Family: “So….you’re from Kansas”

Nurse Nikki: “No, Missouri”

Ok, Americanos. Before we get all judgy with JP's family...let's play the newest WWT Game show...

KANSAN OR MISSOURIAN!!!

Here's the list:

• Sam Brownback
• Dick Gephardt
• Dwight Eisenhower
• Stan Musial
• George Brett
• Kathleen Sebelius
• Ulysses S. Grant
• J. William Fullbright
• Bob Dole
• Harry Truman
• John Danforth

10 or more correct = a Trista and Ryan happiness star

6 to 9 = Mesnick and Molly

3-5 = Sean and Catherine

1-2 = Brad Womack

0 = Jake Pavelka

Papa, Mama, and Primo Rodolfo continue to try and scare Nurse Nikki with all of JP's faults, but she is determined to stay interested.

Claire and JP's Helicopter Journey Veers Off Course

Look, no one is going to argue that JP is the most likable Bachelor/ette ever but ABC really tried to hammer this guy because he was honest. It's a two month dating show where very little quality time is allowed between the participants. There's been 18 Bachelors and 3 marriages. So Fleiss & Co. don't like anyone pulling back the curtain. They are determined to make the audience believe this is about love and marriage. And no Venezuelan is about to expose the great and powerful OZ due to honesty.

JP was attracted to Claire. Claire, understandably, didn't want sex to be the focus of their relationship. She wanted more. She wanted a real connection. There is a perfectly understandable reason JP and Claire's relationship was stalled at the physical connection they shared since early on the season. (Foreshadowing...)

Later that night, Claire wanted a more detailed explanation from JP. The problem is that he was being honest. I believe he got himself into more trouble because he had to keep this charade going for the cameras. They have chemistry and enjoy hooking up. Claire was upset that he stated he doesn’t know her. Oh, you know why he doesn't know you, Claire? Because he's been filming a TV show where he dates 27 women at once. HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU. He’s being honest and telling you how he feels. JP admitted, “I could lie to you…”

That is what ABC, Harrison, and Fleiss & Co. wanted. The fact that JP was honest was his undoing.

Nurse Nikki's Catamaran Cruise

The Nurse Nikki final date was fairly guarded. It was like watching a Floyd Mayweather fight. Nothing happened. You did get a glimpse of JP when Nurse Nikki asked what life would be like without private islands: a tv with sports on. 

A co-worker predicted Nikki would win because she is the opposite of Claire. She never challenged JP and JP clearly does not like to get challenged. But their date also revealed her true feelings. Nurse Nikki is clearly into JP. Claire wants to win just to win.

Bad Moon Rising

• NO NEIL LANE. Bad Omen. Neil Lane is the most likable part of every season. And we didn't get Neil Lane. Why don't you just take out "Ladies, this is the final rose tonight" while you're at it.
• In a strong runner up to the Missouri/Kansas quote of the night, Claire came strong with a contradiction: “the whole time, I wanted to be here…there were times when I wanted to bolt.” WAIT. Read that slowly. Again.
• After being rejected, she gave another strong effort: “I would never want my children having a father like you…”
• JP fires back: “WHOOOO. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
• Nikki arrives and secures a rose but not a ring
• JP gives a perfectly reasonable explanation that he wanted to be 100% sure about marriage before proposing.
• While batting 3 out of 18 for actual marriages, Harrison demands 100% engagements.
• Juan Pablo may be the only person involved treating marriage with the respect it deserves. 

After The Final Rose

Still smarting from the non-engagement, Harrison grills JP about saying "I love you." JP refuses. Again, Harrison and company  would rather JP lie and give the people what they want. They want roses and love and engagements, god damn it, and ABC delivers it twice a year on their pre-determined schedule. Harrison demands that JP subject himself to the Fleiss love machine.

Juan Pablo gives them a gentle reminder, "THIS IS REAL LIFE.”

Well, not really.

The Bachelor Episode Nueve: Juan Love

Wags has handed the baton back to Dugan for the Saint Lucia recap. It's Fantasy Suite time and as Juan Pablo points out about a hundred times - there are no cameras in the Fantasy Suites. He mentioned it enough that I became concerned about his intentions inside the Fantasy Suite.

Vidal Sassoon Pretends She Won't Take the Bait

Due to the issues surrounding their Vietnam ocean excursion, Vidal explains she may refuse the fantasy suite option. No one is buying that. Even funnier, when you google "no one is buying" it directs you to a Microsoft Surface. Sorry, Microsft. Something tells me Microsft will be just fine. I'm about as sure about that as I am that Vidal will be staying over.

While jumping off a yacht, Mrs. Dugan reminds me this is Vidal's SECOND time in the ocean. Ever. JP sees if he can up his BS game to match Vidal's: "All your sisters were awesome” Even Lara?

As a fellow hispanic and south Floridian, I tried to give JP the benefit of the doubt. I tried to excuse his words due to ESL but I simply think he is a shallow moron. I hate to say it. I wanted to like him, but explanations of the raw beauty of Saint Lucia were reduced to Tony Montanaesque musings: “This is frickin beautiful.”

It's Fantasy Suite time. What does this mean to JP? NO CAMERAS. Women, he is planning on killing you in the fantasy suit. Vidal survives. We think.

Abbie Carmichael’s Closing Argument

Abbie Carmichael begins their date with some steel drum action. Considering we have witnessed her dance moves, I am guessing the rythm is not going to get her. Shout out, Gloria.

JP charmed Abbie feeding poor native children and playing soccer with same before Land Buggy drive to waterfalls. Haven't these two been chasing waterfalls all season? You know what TLC and Neil Lane say.

Abbie and JP seem to have a real conversation about their feelings and concerns shared in Atlanta. Abbie knows she will have to be a wife and mother. JP knows Fleiss & Co. have forced him to keep Abbie to up her Q rating before the Bachelorette. It's a match made in Fleiss heaven - combustible.

Fantasy Suite Perfection/Nightmare

I have to applaud Fleiss and Co for the editing between JP and Abbie's take on the fantasy suite.

JP's Version

• “laughed for hours”
• “we just get along very well. Our connection, I didn’t know it was going to be this good.”
• “I’m happy. Very happy.”

 Abbie's Version

• “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite…”
• “Saw a side I didn’t really like. The whole night was a disaster. I hope he did not think that went well. I hope he did not think that was a good date.”
• "Didn’t care about who I was, what I thought, what I want in life…
• Didn’t ask questions about myself
• Brought up Fantasy Suite night with Vidal (Oops.)

You did what???

Nikki’s Fringe Overnight.

There's not much to say about a horseback ride to a secluded beach. The best part of the date was JP listing the attributes he likes in Nikki:

• Honest
• Pretty
• Sexy
• Cares about people and I like that a lot.

HOLY SHIT. JUAN PABLO IS NOT TONY MONTANA. HE IS FOREST GUMP.

Videos, a Farewell to our next Bachelorette and the Rose Ceremony

• Nurse Nikki wants to win
• Vidal wants JP
• Abbie Carmichael wants answers.

Abbie forgoes the video and chooses to face JP attorney-to-Tony Gump. She explains she isn't in love and won't ever be. Much to Abbie's chagrin, JP is perfectly content with the news. You got the feeling that Abbie wanted more. She wanted heartache and pleading.

She got, "It's ok."

It wasn't ok with Abbie. Not at all. Abbie wanted to pummel him into submission and she simply received "it's ok" in return. For Forest Gump, it was incredible defense.

Rose Ceremony

By default (see what I did there?), Nurse Nikki and Vidal Sasson remain. Both accept a rose but Vidal has to be the clear favorite to win it all. Next week is the Women Tell All...

The Bachelor Episode Ocho: Juan Love

Who's ready for four hours of the Bachelor this week?!

I said, Who's ready for four hours of Juan Pablo this week!?!?!?!?

(Hearing nothing)

Okay.  I get the point.  You were never ready.  But Dugan and I are here to get you through it.  And to help me tonight, I have a Boulevardier (google it) and Mexican chocolate ice cream (quickly becoming a favorite).  But maybe I should pitch a new flavor:

Vanilla Ice

On to the show (where there is no question that Mama Renee is going home, right?)

Hometown Date #1: Nurse Nikki in Kansas City

Nikki started off the date in a park, running towards Juan Pablo.  But no jumping hug.  Interesting.  There are certain parts of the show I really like (Chris Harrison #1, Neil Lane #2).  Jumping hugs are up there.  Maybe the next hometown.

They went to a barbecue place.  Juan Pablo (maybe) had never had barbecue before.  These relationships are doomed.  (Before you say, "Aren't all relationships on the Bachelor doomed," I'd like to direct your attention to Trista and Ryan...this show works!).

After literally riding the mechanical bull, Nurse Nikki couldn't pull the trigger on saying "I love you."  

Nikki then took JP to her family's mansion.  Her family seems very all-American.  I'm guessing they were not too thrilled when Nikki got her back tattoo.

At dinner, Nikki's family asked about the long flight to Korea.  Nikki revealed that JP sat in first class while the ladies slummed it in coach.  I hope at least one of them did their best Kristen Wiig impression:



JP had a discussion with Nikki's dad.  And by discussion, I mean Juan Pablo went full-ESL and confused everyone trying to comprehend what he meant to say about his feelings for Nikki.  At this point, I was sad that Pavarotti was off the show.  It would have been incredible to see how her Ivy League parents would handle Juan Pablo's nonsense.

JP left.  Nikki never told JP she loves him.  Weak display Nikki.  Even an M&M can profess it's love for JP.

Hometown #2: Abbie Carmichael's Atlanta

This date is also known as Abbie Carmichael's audition for the next Bachelorette.  Before going to meet her family, Abbie took JP to shoot some guns.  Personally, I was hoping for a moot court competition, but our lawyerly dreams can't always come true.

At the range, Abbie proved that she's from the South.  Juan Pablo proved that he might be cross-eyed.

Abbie/Andi took JP to meet her family at another upper middle class looking house.  Abbie's dad proved that he might understand the Bachelor process quite well; criticizing JP for waiting so long to take Abbie on a one-on-one date.  I wonder if he is one of our anonymous commenters?

Abbie's dad's name is Hy.  I went on babynames.com and found that Hy is short for Hyman.  I have too much respect (read: fear) of Hy to make fun of that.  After briefly researching, it appears that the most famous person named Hyman is Krusty the Clown's father on the Simpsons: Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.  But since I was never allowed to watch the Simpson's growing up, I don't really get my own reference.

Forbidden Cartoon

In the end, Abbie's dad really wasn't all that bad.  Typical Fleiss and Co. manipulation of the audience to think that there were going to be real fireworks between JP and the dad.

Hometown #3: Mama Renee in Sarasota

Renee started off the segment by announcing that Sarasota is her "favorite place in the world," and when she sees her son she is "literally going to eat him."  She's currently a machine gun of crazy statements.    (Admittedly, I don't know much about Sarasota, so I googled it to make sure that I wasn't  unfairly ripping on it.  Turns out, I was fairly ripping on it.  This story is from TODAY).

When her son Ben came to meet them before his little league game, Mama Renee went full "mama" and picked up Ben off the ground for a big hug.  IN FRONT OF HIS WHOLE TEAM.  I can't imagine a more embarrassing moment.  In his little league game, Ben ended the game by turning a double play.  Maybe Juan Pablo will be begging Ben for autographs one day.

Later in the day, they went to Renee's parents' house.  I really hope she gets booted this week.  She (and her family) seem way to nice for this JP bozo.  (I think I am going to start calling people "bozo" more often.  But that could be whisky logic at this point).

Though she wanted to tell JP that she loves him, she balked.  Don't worry Renee, no one else has professed their love either.

Hometown #4: Vidal Sassoon in Sacramento 

Vidal started off the date in a park because she "played a lot in parks as a child."  If I went by Vidal's logic, Mrs. Wags and I are having an awesome date: watersides, baseball card stores, Burger King, and going to bed at 7:30 p.m.

Dream date

After skipping rocks at the park, the date continued at Vidal's mom's house with Vidal's five sisters (no joke).  Vidal's sisters all seemed pretty smitten with JP, except for her sister Lara.  Lara said that their mama would not give permission to JP for a proposal.  Vidal instantly broke into tears.  "Mama" hardly said a word.  Lara kept butting in with her two cents.  Lara reminded me of Alby Grant from Big Love.  Any Big Love fans out there?

By the way, Lara looked a little bit like Alby Grant.  Lara is, how shall I say, a little bit unfortunate looking.

Vidal and her sisters kept calling their mom, Mama.  They all referred to their dad as Daddy.  Very FLDS.

Once Vidal's mom finally got a chance to talk, I had a very hard time understanding her.  I know of some people that might be able to interpret what she was saying:



The date ended uneventfully.

Rose Ceremony

Back in Miami, the roses went to:
Nurse Nikki
Vidal Sassoon Clare
Abbie Carmichael

Predictably (see above), Mama Renee got the boot.  Her only fantasy suite will be back in Sarasota.

Until tomorrow, when Dugan takes us to St. Lucia...

The Bachelor Episode Siete: Juan Love

I forgot how to spell "siete."   It's official: four years of high school Spanish, one and a half years of college Spanish, and one semester abroad in Madrid have officially been flushed down the toilet because I can't spell siete.

Tonight is the usual scotch, but with special ice cream.  It's San Francisco Beer Week and I have some leftover 21st Amendment Framboise ice cream from Humphrey Slocombe.  If nothing in that last sentence makes sense, please come visit Mrs. Wags and me in San Francisco any time.   

Enough about San Francisco, we're going to another beautiful place....Miami!  Bienvenido (sp?).  Everything in the previews seems to indicate that Pavarotti is going home this episode.  Prediction: she's not going anywhere this week.  If Fleiss and Co. were baseball pitchers, they would throw exclusively curve balls. 

When Juan Pablo got to Miami, his hometown, he had to go see Camila Valentina first.  I feel strange that I know a four-year-old's middle name.  I guess that comes with the territory as a (very amateur) Bachelor blogger.  

The women got to the hotel in Miami.  As expected, the view was stunning.  Warm, crystal clear water.  Sunshine.  This is going to be great for Vidal Sassoon.  Her second time in the ocean in her life will be at one of the world's best beaches.  Hopefully Camila won't be watching on TV.  

Solo Date #1: Pavarotti

Pavarotti got the first date card, but was once again hesitant to be excited.  One of our readers that refuses to be identified (but lives less than 3 miles from me) pointed out that she looks and acts like April from Parks and Rec.  Quirky, awkward, brunette.   Did I mention quirky?

Awkward battle

Pavarotti seems interested in JP only when they're kissing.  While kissing on a yacht, Juan Pablo asked if their kissing was like a German kiss.  Pavarotti responded that it was "certainly not" a German kiss.  Most are familiar with the French, but I am intrigued, yet also a little scared, of whatever the German kiss might be.  

I think we have all assumed that Abbie Carmichael is the favorite for "next Bachelorette," but Pavarotti and her realistic/cynical outlook on the Bachelor process would be fun to see.  

The date continued into the evening with more (German?) kissing.  Things were going really well until JP asked if he could meet her family.  Pavarotti replied, "I think it could work."   And then with maybe my favorite line of the season, she said, "I wish I was dumber so I could just [say yes]."  She perfectly described why she is so above this process and JP.  

I really want JP to meet her family.  I imagine two college professor parents.  No siblings.  A deep discussion about which Cabernet from the wine cellar is the family favorite.  Really high ceilings.  Both parents drive Prius's.  NPR on the radio.  No television in the house.  Have never heard of the Bachelor.  I WANT THIS TO HAPPEN SO BADLY.  

There was no rose available on the date.  

Solo Date #2: Nurse Nikki

Nurse Nikki and JP's date took them to Camila's dance recital.  I actually love dance recitals.

If that wasn't enough pressure, JP's parents and CAMILA'S MOM were there.  

Camila got a solo in the recital.  Did she only get the solo because of The Bachelor?  (Someone had to say it.  Leave me alone).  

Nurse Nikki briefly interacted with Carla (Camila's mom).  Mrs. Wags says, without hesitation, that Carla is prettier than Nurse Nikki.  That seems to have prevented any fist fighting.  

The evening portion of the date was at the Marlins stadium, where JP allegedly has an office.  All I know is that I never saw any "office" on this episode.  

After deftly fielding ground balls in her halter top, they had a picnic dinner on the pitching mound.  

There was no rose on this date either.  

Back at the House

Pavarotti announced to the women that she was leaving the show.  I am so sad.  I'm really hoping that JP convinces her to stay.  

Pavarotti then told JP that she was leaving because she could not get to the point that she needed to be at in three weeks.  Newsflash: NO ONE CAN MAKE IT WORK IN THIS AMOUNT OF TIME.  That's the beauty of the show.  

Pavarotti then left.  She just walked out that door.  She didn't turn around.  She did, in fact, hurt me (and Juan Pablo) with goodbye. 

I guess Fleiss and Co. will survive.  But no, not I.

Group Date: Mama Renee, Abbie Carmichael, Teacher Chelsie, and Vidal Sassoon 

The date started with a nonchalant sea plane ride to an island.  No one even commented on how cool that is.  To impress on the Bachelor these days, you better bring a space shuttle. 

Juan Pablo definitely proved that he's a dad by wearing water socks on the beach.  He could have easily completed the look by wearing a bucket hat (confession: on family vacation last summer, I bought and wore a bucket hat the whole time). 

Not much happened on the group date, but Abbie Carmichael got the date rose.  Vidal Sassoon didn't handle it very well.   I'm getting a little worried that Vidal could potentially be the next Bachelorette.  I would have a problem with a whole season of Vidal (and I usually cheer for the Northern Californians....big Jake Pavelka fan).

By getting the rose, Abbie Carmichael got to go on a solo evening date at a salsa dancing club.  She had "never heard" Latin music before.  WHAT?!  It's not like I'm listening to Tito Puente every night, but I've definitely "heard" some Latin music.  

Back at the House Part II

Nurse Nikki and Vidal Sassoon got in a fight back at the house.  As they always say, once two fake blondes start arguing about date roses, you never know where the argument is going to go.  In this case, they got into an argument over whose room they were arguing in.  Vidal won the argument by asserting that since none of them pay rent, the entire apartment is "open space."  Seems like they might want to hire Dugan, Esq. to mediate this dispute.  

Rose Ceremony: Who Gets a Hometown?

As anyone who has ever watched this show knows, hometown dates are really important.  Thus, this rose ceremony really matters (as much as any reality dating show can "matter").  

The cocktail party was awkwardly silent, but thankfully Chris Harrison (or as JP calls him, "Mr. Chris") made his first appearance of the night to call the evening to order.  It seems like Chris Harrison's importance has been continuously minimized as the show goes on.  I would like to formally request more of Mr. Chris and Mr. Neil.  

Joining Abbie Carmichael with hometown roses was:

Nurse Nikki

Vidal Sassoon

Mama Renee

Goodbye Teacher Chelsie.  I thought she might win the thing.  But alas, we will not be going to Ohio.  

Until next week, when we see if any of these families can understand a word that Juan Pablo is saying...

Followed by a second episode on Tuesday night...

The Bachelor Episode Seis: Juan Love

Hello fans and friends. Dugan's back! Let's take a break from ice cream and Scotch to enjoy some red wine and kisses.

*Additional Hershey's kisses were harmed
during the watching of tonight's episode.

We are leaving Vietnam and landing in stunningly beautiful Taupo, New Zealand, a town on the shore of Lake Taupo. While about 16,000 women live in Taupo, JP is left with 2,000 times fewer, or 8 for the math challenged.

For an otherwise average episode, the single cutest moment on Bachelor/ette history happened during a return from commercial break. See the video evidence here...

Andy's One-on-One.

Dugan's DVR was acting up and the Canes were looking for a solid 3rd ACC win of the season so I missed the date card and a lot of dialogue on this date, but I'll run down my highlights as I saw them...

• The use of cheesy references to volcanoes and dating pressure began
• This theme would be re-hashed by others.
• They got on a jet boat as if they were on the Amazing Race
• Mrs. Dugan notes Andy is wearing white pants and thus "DTF"
• I looked at Mrs. Dugan wondering when the mother of my children graduated from a frat.
• I am supposed to be the immature one. NOT FAIR!
• The jet boat slowed down eventually letting them off the boat into a chilly gorge with ever narrowing walls.
• If this was a horror movie, you would have been screaming at the character to turn around at this point in the date.
• Growing up in Florida, I have limited gorge experience. But a trip to Oregon brought me to the Columbia River George where I tripped and leaned into my brother causing him to fall into the water. No big deal except for his broken hand that was in a cast. And this was the 80s. No fancy soft cast that can get wet. So that thing basically became immobile gangrene. 

But I digress. Back to the date and a romantic waterfall is followed by a night eating dinner by the Tauro geysers. Ok, this is becoming Dugan vacation time machine, but I also was lucky enough to travel to Old Faithful as a child. Even sporting my sweet UNC basketball hat as every 13 year old boy is required to do, I knew that geysers are not the least bit romantic. They smell. Bad. Like what? Like the picture below.

Trust me when I said the date was going to be a disaster before the geyser erupted on them. Nevertheless, Abbie Carmichael receives the ruling she was looking for and the rose.

Most Extreme Elimination Challenge Date
Pavarotti, Teacher Chelsie, Mama Renee, Nurse Nikki, Kat, and 8 Mile go on the MXC of Bachelor/ette dates. I know Fleiss & Co. and ABC would prefer WWT refer to this as the "Wipeout" of dates, but MXC is vastly superior in every way, much like the Bachelor/ette to its copycats.

The girls and JP OGO down the hill all the way to their evening in Hobbiton. I am guessing Hobbiton is the single highest rated attraction in the world. The only people that would go to Hobbiton are the insufferable LOTR fans and they undoubtedly would rate any such attraction as the greatest place on earth.  I think I am getting ornery that my chocolate kisses have run out so let's continue with the recap...

• Pavarotti and Kat are pumped about Hobbiton. Ugh.
• 8 Mile wants a one-on-one and a rose for her 22nd birthday.
• Renee has moved solidly out of the friend zone.
• Pavarotti continues to doubt herself and the process
• Pavarotti's doubts turn into a rose and 8 Mile's longing earns her a long trip home.

*The post show clip included highlights from a sheep poo flinging contest. I am really starting to believe this group date was a bizzaro MXC episode.

What MXC challenge would you most like to see Bachelor/ette contestants perform?

Has to be sinkers and floaters slightly
over rotating surfboard of death

Claire wants an apology one-on-one

JP upset Vidal Sassoon last week when he questioned their late night escapade. In a pretty bold question, Vidal drops my quote of the night: "What are our boundaries?”

BOOM. Are we sure this is still just about swimming?

And for those scoring this date at home.
A. Kissing in the water = bad.
B. Kissing by the water = good to go.

Later in the evening, Vidal drops the runner up for quote of the night, "If there is any kind of conflict…I bolt.” While her honesty is refreshing, I'm pretty sure there is going to be conflict in any relationship and co-parenting situation. Life isn't all geyser dates and sheep poo flinging. Vidal still secures the rose.

Rose Ceremony Time

• 7 Girls remain after 8 Mile's mid episode passing. 
• 3 are secure - Abbie, Pavarotti and Vidal.
• One of Kat, Nurse Nikki, Mama Renee, or Teacher Chelsea will be joining 8 Mile.
• Nurse Nikki and Mama appear safe and it comes down to weak nickname v. no nickname. 
• Kat goes home but those of us at WWT know she is on to bigger and better things.

It's becoming time to wonder who is the next Bachelorette? Abbie Carmichael has to be the favorite. Would she be willing to end her career as a gang prosecutor? What happens if JP wants her? Will it be Fleiss v. JP until the bitter end?

Until next week in the Magic City with a Pavarotti swandive and what appears to be...a Mesnik.