The Bachelorette Episode 2: Dirty Dogs

In preparation for this Bachelorette season, I won a bottle of whiskey at an auction.  Dugan and I are lawyers...that's how we roll...or at least that's how Dugan could possibly roll.  Actually, come to think of it, I probably shouldn't be rolling at any auctions at all.  And neither should Dugan.  We have mouths to feed and mortgages to pay and flowers to buy our wives.  If we've learned anything from blogging for nearly a decade, it's that flowers are appreciated.  In my case, ice cream is appreciated too, especially on Monday nights.

On to the show...

This is going to be challenging.  I only remember the guys with good nicknames.  

Harrison explained the rules of how one-on-one dates and group dates work.  In case you just arrived from a 15 year stay on the International Space Station, you probably already know how this show works.  

Group Date #1: Dean, Jackstone, Johnathan Elmo, Sex Pistol Blake, IggyNotDiggy, Kenny, Bad Kid Fred, and Lucas Whaboom

The date started off with a touch football game.  I didn't think Rachel would be ready for gametime in a short dress, but she promptly started running the hurry-up offense.  Notre Dame might need her at QB.  

The date shifted to Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis introducing the next competition. Mrs. Wags was folding laundry and half paying attention.  Mrs. Wags asked which former Bachelor couple they were.  I had to inform her that she was looking at one of the most famous whiskey makers in all of the world.  

The guys had to compete in tasks such as changing a baby, pulling hair out of a drain, and vacuuming.  Dean had never held a baby before.  Seems like husband material.  

Strangely, when they had to change a fake diaper, ABC blurred out the fake poopy diaper.  Mrs. Wags  is convinced it must real poop.  

Kutcher theorized that none of these guys will win.  Since Whaboom won the contest, Kutcher is probably onto something.  (Also, Kutcher pitted his t-shirt.  This made me like him just a little more.)

The evening portion of the date, Sex Pistol revealed that he knows Whaboom from a "previous encounter."  Maybe something on Craigslist?  Sex Pistol might be more annoying than Whaboom.  And that's saying something to be worse than a producer-pick.  

Sex Pistol, an "aspiring drummer," dropped the first not-there-for-the-right-reasons to Rachel regarding Whaboom.  This was probably the earliest wrong-reasons backstab in Bachelor history.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Dean has 90210 hair and looks like Brandon Walsh.  "90210 Dean." 

Nice call, Mrs. Wags

Quote of the night from Kenny: "I'm a pro wrestler.  I know all about white dudes acting crazy."   

90210 Dean took the rose.  I asked Mrs. Wags if there were any African-American women on 90210. It turns out Dean's doppleganger once dated an African-American woman.  

One of these actors went on to have a big career.

One-on-One #1: Peter Badger

The date started off with an extra guest; Rachel's gimpy dog.  They flew to Palm Springs to go to Bark Fest, a dog-friendly pool party sponsored by Bark Box.  So far, this might be the worst date in Bachelor history.  

The date did not get much better in the evening portion.  Badger and Rachel compared reasons for why they have gap-teeth. After nearly a decade of wearing braces, this conversation is thankfully meaningless to me.  

Badger got the date rose.  Rachel seems pretty into him. 

Group Date #2: Will Urkel, American Psycho Jamey, TeachmehowtoDiggie, Alex, Adamummy, Robert E. Lee, Happy Feet Matt, Eric, Mike Satz Josiah, DeMario

The date started at a basketball court.  Based on Rachel's shooting, I'm guessing she played high school basketball.  Fun fact: Dugan and I co-coached a women's intramural basketball team in college.  Dugan worked the refs pretty hard.  

Kareem showed up to help out.  Robert E. Lee said Kareem is "the guy of basketball."  Based on that statement and the way he played, it's pretty clear that he knows nothing about basketball.

We all know there's only one answer for who the "guy of basketball" is:

DeMario was easily the best basketball player of the group.  He can drop-step dunk.  We could have used him on our women's intramural team.

During a basketball game between the guys, a woman approached Rachel and said she's DeMario's girlfriend.  DeMario pretended that he didn't know who she was.  Ex-girlfriend then swore on her father's grave and her kitten's life that he never broke up with her.  Surprisingly, the girl wearing a scrunchy on her wrist was telling the truth.  DeMario got the boot.

In the evening portion of the date, the mood was somber.  Alex sang to her in Russian.  Trainer Eric made out with Rachel.  I'm still undecided on which one was harder to watch.

Mike Satz Josiah got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Demario tried to crash the rose ceremony.  The security guard had to go speak to "Mr. Harrison."  YESSS.  Easily my favorite moment of the episode.

Mr. Harrison asked Rachel if she wanted to see DeMario.  Rachel decided to go talk to him because she was "curious" about what he had to say (also known as Fleiss and Co. made her do it).

Predictably, TO BE CONTINUED...

The Bachelorette Episode 1: Rachel's Reboot

Every one's favorite Texas lawyer this side of Joe Jamail (and whoever had a Joe Jamail reference in the opening paragraph, please report to Paddy Power for your long shot winnings) is back and so are Fleiss & Co! It's an exciting time to be a Bachelor/ette fan as we can actually root for the Bachelor/ette in earnest. Although, when you saw her gaggle of girls she welcomed back for a pep talk (think Trainwreck meets Bridesmaids), you did begin to wonder if she was taking this serious.

Jamail's first appearance in a Bachelor Blog

You know Rachel. I know Rachel. Everyone likes Rachel. This episode is not actually about Rachel. It's about the many men she meets. Without further ado...

Adam, aka Adummy, 27, Real Estate Agent from Dallas

• Bio Note: What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday. UGH.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor from Detroit

• Bio Note: What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic. YIKES. RUN.

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager from Chicago

• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. NOT BAD.

Blake E., aka Sex Pistol, 31, aspiring drummer from Marina del Ray

• Bio Note: Occupation: Aspiring Drummer. "Aspiring" should not be in your occupation title.
• Bio Note 2: What's the closest you have ever come to being married? I was engaged for 48 hours. THERE ARE FLAGS ALL OVER THE FIELD.

Blake K., 29, Marine Veteran from San Francisco

• Bio Note: Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran. Veteran? Retired? He’s 29? 
• Bio Note 2: Do you have to qualify that you are in the Marines of the United States as opposed to a different Marines? 

Brady, aka Zoolander or Thor, 29, Male Model from Miami

• Bio Note: Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English. YOU LIVE IN MIAMI, BRO.

Bryan, aka Nip Tuck, 37, a Chiropractor from Miami

• Bio Note: What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart. THREE, genius.

Bryce, 30, a Firefighter from Orlando

Dean, 26, a Startup Recruiter from Venice

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Mom's initials on chest, artwork on back, friend's initials on back, "Righteous" on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm. LIP TATTOO. RUN!
• Bio Note 2: What is your favorite memory from childhood? When I was very young, my family lived in a mobile home. I remember sitting on top with my brothers watching a demolition derby and eating Oreos. WHAT? His mobile home park hosted demolition derbies? I am so confused right now.
• Bio Note 3: What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment. How romantic.

DeMario, 30, an Executive Recruiter from Century City, CA

• Bio Note: Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits. THIS CANNOT BE HIS HONEST ANSWER.

Diggy, aka TeachMeHowToDiggie, 31, a Senior Inventory Analyst (aka works in receiving) from Chicago

Eric, 29, a Personal Trainer from LA

Fred, aka Bad Kid Fred, 27, an Executive Assistant from Dallas

• Bio Note: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people's days are brightened when they are around her. A STRAIGHT MAN ANSWERED THIS?

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician from New York

• Bio Note: What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? ;) SERIOUSLY, with the winking and all.

Iggy, aka IggyNotDiggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney from Dallas

Jamey, ak American Psycho, 32, Sales Account Executive from Santa Monica

• Bio Note: Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Jedidiah, aka Masters, 35, an ER Physician from Augusta, GA

• Bio Note:  Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf. WHAT?

Jonathan, aka Elmo, 31, Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL. Not. A. Job.

Josiah, aka Mike Satz (***see notes below***), 28, Prosecuting Attorney from Fort Lauderdale

Kenny, 35, a Professional Wrestler from Las Vegas

Kyle, 26, a Marketing Consultant from LA

Lee, aka Robert E. Lee, 30, a Singer/Songwriter from Nashville

Lucas, aka WHABOOM!, 30, a Whaboom from Woodside, California. NOT. A. JOB.

• Bio Note: What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit! FREAK.

Matt, aka Happy Feet 32, a Construction Sales Rep from Meridian, CN

Michael, aka MJ, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player from Chicago. FORMER at 26? And now?

Milton, aka Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty, 31, a Hotel Recreation Supervisor from North Bay Village, FL

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Yes, inside my bottom lip. LIP TAT. RUN!

Mohit, aka Bollywood, 26, a Product Manager from San Francisco or Pacifica?

Peter, aka Badger, 31, a Business Owner from Madison, WI

Rob, aka Law Student Rob, 30, a Law Student from Houston

Will, aka Urkel, 28, a Sales Manager from Miami

Let's get some general comments on the guys from tonight's premiere:

• Blake earned his Sex Pistol nickname due to frequently bringing up sex along with his drumming aspirations. 
• Diggy has 575 pairs of shoes? What?
• ***Josiah, aka Mike Satz*** is a prosecutor from Dugan's hometown of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  When you think of Fort Lauderdale and Broward County and Prosecutor, only one name comes to mind. Mike Satz. He's been the elected prosecutor since 4 years before I was born. I'm not young.
• Bad Kid Fred went to grade school with Rachel (cute!) and she was his counselor (creepy!)
• Adummy brought along a terrifying dummy.
• Nip Tuck loves speaking Spanish and is older than your blog authors.
• Whaboom! is annoying and not here for the right reasons.
• Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty keeps purring in Rachel's ear. 
• Rachel is already in the running for the best Bachelor/ette in years? Ever?

Dugan's Quote of the Night

Whaboom: “I feel like everyone has a little Whaboom in them”

Sex Pistol: “I have no Whaboom in me”

First Impression Rose

Nip Tuck brings the First Impresson Rose back to Sunny South Florida where Mike Satz will seek a replevin action to get what he believes was rightfully his.

Rose Ceremony Time

Badger

Will (Urkel)

Jack Stone

Jamey (America Psycho)

IggyNotDiggy

Eric

DeMario

Elmo (Jonathan)

Bryce

Alex

Kenny

Dean

Penguin

Anthony

Thor (hammer) or Zoolander (male model)

Mike Satz

Robert E. Lee

Teach me how to Diggy

Bad Kid Fred

Adummy

Sex Pistol

Whaboom!

Who are we losing?

Law School Rob

Kyle

Blake the vet

Jedidiah (Masters)

NY Doctor

Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty (Milton)