The Bachelorette Episode 4: Andi's Big Event

So this is part two of the Bachelorette's 4 hour mega "event" this week.  I still haven't figured out what the event actually is.  Frat Bro Andrew getting a phone number from a waitress?  More Chris Harrison than ever before?  A special early season visit from Neil Lane?  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.  On the other hand, I will be making tonight a whiskey and ice cream big event for myself.  Heavy pour and an extra scoop.  I'm going to be like Andi after 4 glasses of chardonnay.

On to the show...

According to the preview, there will be a pickup basketball game.  I can't wait to see who can play, and who looks like they played tennis growing up.

The Bachelorette tour continued in Connecticut (?) at the Mohegan Sun Hotel.  Mrs. Wags was surprised to find out that it's not the (Last of) the Mohicans Sun Hotel.

Does it seem like these guys touch each other a lot?  Just noticing.  They all seem to get along really well.

Solo Date #1: Dylan

Nick Name Les Dylan (Maybe Les Dylan?) started his date with Andi on an Essex Train.  This continues another trend of Bachelor/ette dates on trains.  There's a long, mysterious history of train dates.

How Fleiss and Co. hope the train dates will go.

Les Dylan was anxious about telling Andi that two of his siblings died of drug overdoses.  For some reason, he felt obligated to reveal this information early in the season.  Why now?  Why not after the show?  It's too serious for this show, and definitely too serious for this blog.

Train date reality.  

Les Dylan is actually from Connecticut, so when he revealed the untimely deaths of his siblings, it was even more heavy that being back in Connecticut reminded him of his deceased family.  This is turning into a Lifetime drama.  I need Herb, the pantsapreneur old man in makeup, to come back and lighten the mood.

Though it was a roller coaster, Les Dylan got the rose (and earned a nickname).

Group Date: JJ Dockers, John Deere, Frat Bro Andrew, Nick, Famous Amos, Dora, Albino Rhino, Tacos, Coach Brian, Frat Bro Patrick,  and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andi took the guys to a basketball court so she can see manly, "sweaty" basketball.  And then she brought out a bunch of WNBA superstars.  That's not going to help them seem manly when they get whooped.

My favorite moment was when Elena Della Donne swatted the Albino Rhino...without jumping!  All the HGH in the world can't help The Rhino's jump shot.

The guys then had to play each other for the evening date.  Coach Brian led the "Rosebuds," and he was really in his element.  The Rosebuds were challenged by the "Five of Hearts." (I think the Five Hearts would have been better).

Thankfully, Coach Brian could play a little bit.  He didn't let his junior high team down.  On the other hand, the halftime score was 6-6.  But, alas, Coach Brian and his Rosebuds took control in the 2nd half.  Famous Amos noted that the Rosebuds "breathe excellence."  I told Mrs. Wags that I also breath excellence, but she said that is actually just the smell of Dewar's White Label.

The Rosebuds got to have a private after-party with Andi.  Unfortunately for Dora, Andi pulled him aside to let him know that their relationship is stalling.  Dora quickly got back in Andi's good graces by revealing that he loves his family and that he "gave up his religion" at age 26.  Mrs. Wags started singing at this point:



Coach Brian took Andi to center court so they could listen to Endless Love in the dark.  He took a half court shot, drained it, and then...blew it by not kissing Andi.  Andi said she really wanted a kiss after seeing the half court shot, but since Coach Brian blew it, she went and made out with Hans.

Coach Brian appropriately earned the date rose.

Solo Date #2: Marcus Gosling

The always-serious Marcus Gosling got to help Andi get over her fear of heights.  On the Bachelorette, if you can conquer a fear of heights, conquering love is no obstacle.  They had to repel down a building in tornado-strength winds.  It appeared to be the tallest building in all of Connecticut.

It looks taller when you repel down it.

After a quick awkward kiss while repelling down the building, the other guys banged on the windows from the inside.  Gosling asked if they should kiss in front of them.  Andi quickly said no.  Nice try Gosling.  You're not using Andi to position yourself as the favorite.

At dinner, Marcus Gosling predictably got the rose.  But before the date was over, they got to go to a casino and hear some country singer perform.  They said his name and I couldn't hear exactly what they said.  It sounded like "John Carty," but I don't think that's the guy.  

Rose Ceremony

Before the ceremony started, Andi got a special delivery in her hotel room.  It was a love letter from a secret admirer.  Please let it be Neil Lane or Chris Harrison!  

Coach Brian took Andi back to center court and got the kiss he missed out on earlier.  Wait a second.  They're still near the basketball court for the rose ceremony?  I don't understand how the production of this show works at all.  

Dora made the mistake of accusing Andi of not being open with him.  He then took it a step further and said he "came to meet a person, not a TV actress."  Andi did not react kindly to being called a fraud and being told that she has a "poker face."  She made it clear to Dora that he could go explore for a wife elsewhere.  Andi told the other guys that she has tried so hard not to have a poker face.  

When the show returned from commercials, Chris Harrison, our leader and spiritual guide, told us there would be no rose ceremony, but rather a sit-down discussion with Andi to celebrate Dora's life. 

At the end of the episode, Chris Harrison held his own rose ceremony and revealed that Tacos went home.  Needless to say, he won't be missed.   

Until two weeks from now, when we finally go abroad.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Andi Makes Them Dance

Tonight begins with bourbon, but no ice cream.  "Why break whiskey and ice cream tradition this early in the season?" - you.  "Because I ate a big honking slice of confetti cake earlier this evening." - me.   "Why eat confetti cake?  Were you celebrating Andi's search for love?" - you.  "No, it was my favorite brother's birthday." - me  Okay, okay. It's almost midnight already.  Let's get this blog show on the road.

The episode started with Andi looking in the mirror and noting that it "just dawned" on her that she is THE Bachelorette.  What did she think was going on during the two months of Late Night Show interviews and promo photos?  It didn't "dawn" on her then that she was the Bachelorette?  C'mon Andi.  You're making attorneys and DA's look bad.

Date #1: Dora (Eric)

A co-worker suggested that we give Eric the nickname Dora.  It's respectful and it makes sense.

The date started off with Andi proving that she knows how to drive.  It seems like the first date always includes a driving scene.  While driving, Dora Eric shared that he had camped with a witch doctor and rode a motorcycle half way across Africa, but when they arrived at their date, this exchange happened:

"What is this place called?" - Dora
"It's called the beach." - Andi

Dora, please put a little of that world-traveler common sense to good use.

Belgium

After a brief stay on the beach showing off a six pack that you can't get at BevMo, a helicopter picked them up on the beach and took them SNOWBOARDING a mere twenty minutes away.  Dr. Dre and 2Pac knew what they were talking about in that California Love song.  

They met up with professional snowboarder and basically just totally rad bro Louie Vito for some snowboard lessons.  Normally I would think a professional explorer might be a little intimidated by an Olympic athlete, but then I noticed that Louie reminded me of someone:

Wee Man or Louie?

I checked Wikipedia to see if I was on the right track.  

Louis "Louie" Vito

Personal information
Born	March 20, 1988 (age 26) Columbus, Ohio, U.S.
Residence	Sandy, Utah,[1] U.S.
Height	5 feet 5 inches
Weight	140 pounds
Website	http://www.louievito.com

During the evening portion of the date, Dora told a story of how he was accused of being a spy in Syria, sent a text message to his parents saying he might die, and then survived to tell the tale.  Okay Andi, your turn to tell a story about being a gang prosecutor.  We're waiting.  C'mon Andi.  Tell ONE story!  Just one.  

At the end of the date, Dora got a rose and was nearly ready to "throw out the 'L' word."  Let's just pump the brakes on that one.  

Group Date: Coach Brian, Opera Man Bradley, Famous Amos Marquel, Craig Lush, Paul Mitchell Brett, Frat Bro 2 Patrick, Albino Rhino, Josh Griffey Jr., Ron Carew, Tasos Tacos, Marcus Gosling, Ty Webb Nick S., Fire Marshal Carl, and Dylan

The date started with the guys hooting and hollering when they saw Andi.  Two guys have the nickname "Frat Bro," but we might have to rename all of them Frat Bro 1 through 19.

Fortunately, the date took them to their natural element, a very classy male exotic dance studio.  I would bet the rest of my whiskey that the Albino Rhino has danced for money in real life.

Fire Marshal Carl was in the group of guys that had to dress up like firefighters.  Fleiss and Co. really know how to script it.   Poor Carl is going to have to face his real life firefighter co-workers back home. But don't lose faith Carl.  Firefighters have a good history on this show.

 

Marcus Gosling had my favorite interaction of the night.  "Should I just wear my own underwear?"  "No," said the male stripper consultant, "you should wear the speedo."    The Gos claimed to be nervous for his dance, but came out like a Miley Cyrus backup dancer.  

Chris B. Harrison, host extraordinaire, showed that he can not only expertly host ABC's search for true love, but can also deftly handle the duties associated with male strip club emcee.  

At the end of the stripping, Andi said what we all we're thinking (and some of us were blogging about), "it seems some of them have done this before." Cue: Albino Rhino's intro music:

In the evening portion of the date, there were some highlights:

Andi noted that Coach Brian is really passionate about his job as a teacher, so he was understandably nervous about stripping.  

Josh Griffey Jr, the former professional baseball player with GQ looks, said he lacks confidence.  You're not fooling Andi with that act because she "knows her way around athletes."  

Shortly after Opera Man Bradley's Italian solo, Craig Lush had his chance to impress.  The first words out of Craig's mouth were "What's your worst thing about your parents?"   (I went back and watched to get the exact grammar of the quote).  He might be drunk.  

After running around the house naked, Andi (or Fleiss and Co.?) sent Craig Lush to bed.  

The date rose went to Marcus Gosling.  He seems like he will be in the Top 3.  

Solo Date #2: John Deere Chris

Before we start John Deere's date recap, could someone explain to me what happened with Coach Brian's progressively worsening black eye?  I must not have been paying attention when his wound got mentioned.

For their horse race date, Andi dressed up in 40s glam style.  Good thing John Deere wore his pink henley.  Oh don't worry, Fleiss and Co. had John Deere covered.  They must have had a Vineyard Vines stylist on standby.

John Deere's date was going well, until he got sweaty and confessed that he once proposed to a girl when he was younger.  Andi said she didn't have a problem with it.  We'll see about that.  

John Deere got the rose.  Roses for everyone!

Andi had one more surprise: a private concert from a band called This Wild Life.  According to google (it's a search engine), they haven't even released an album yet.  

Rose Ceremony

Craig Lush was apparently still on the show (I thought he had gotten kicked off).  He sang a song and maybe saved his hide. 

Frat Bro 1 Andrew made his first appearance of the night, noting that it's crazy that some people  "are going to have to go home tonight."  Bad news Brah, it's probably going to be you.  

In addition to Dora, Gosling, and John Deere, roses went to:

Ron Carew

Dylan

JJ Dockers

Famous Amos

Frat Bro 1 Andrew (I take back what I said two sentences above)

Tasos Tacos

Josh Griffey Jr.

Albino Rhino (thanks Fleiss and Co.)

Nick B. Hans

Frat Bro 2 Patrick

Coach Brian

Paul Mitchell Brett

Opera Man Bradley (I think he could be a serial killer)

Goodbye Fire Marshal Carl (a Ft. Lauderdale favorite), Ty Webb Nick (a hairline favorite), and Craig Lush.

Until next week, with TWO full episodes over TWO full nights with Boyz TWO Men and TWO times the tears.