The Bachelor Episode 10: Finnish Fantasy

Whiskey and ice cream for me tonight.   I'm as predictable as one of the contestants accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite.  My whiskey is as neat as Harrison's handwriting on a date card.  My ice cream is as cold as a March day in Finland.  

On the Bachelor, fantasy suite dates equal romance; for me, it's Mrs. Wags reading Pinterest while I recap the episode.  You should see us on Tuesday nights!

Just add the dog, and it's us tomorrow night

We resume the episode on It's So Raven's dream date in a yurt.  Everyone wants to know the answer to the big question: did Raven get there for the first time?  

Well, everyone except her POOR PARENTS.  Her dad, fresh off finding out that he's cancer-free, now has to find out on national television that his daughter did I.T. with Hans.  

Bachelorette Rachel

Rachel said being in Finland is like Narnia.  This statement clearly showed that she's a lawyer because all lawyers are big nerds deep down (and sometimes not so deep down . . . as I look at myself  in the mirror.). 

Hans got his revenge on Rachel for taking him to church.  He took her cross-country skiing.  No comment. 

The ski trip took them to a reindeer petting zoo.  Way better than the usual goats that are guaranteed to bite you.  

I don't know Santa, and I will bite you.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel struggled to tell Hans she loves him. After Hans told her to check her ego at the door and follow her heart, she said she's falling in love.  Like Van Morrison sang, 

"She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, ego-checked-at-the-door love"

Rachel said yes to the fantasy suite.  I'm still so curious how she's going to go out.  I really hope he proposes to her and she says no.

Special Ed Vanessa

The date started off with an ice plunge followed by a sauna.  According to Hans, this is Finnish tradition.  Apparently, "firm handshakes with eye contact and no supporting gestures" are also a Finnish tradition.  The fantasy suite just got way more boring.  

Yes, I will join you in the fantasy suite.

Fleiss & Co., again trying to throw us off the scent, showed Special Ed and Hans having tough conversations about their (in)compatibility and nationalities.  We all know she's going to win, and we've known this for a long time.  

Special Ed said yes to the fantasy suite.  A little champagne, fireplace, and snuggling solves everything.  

In the morning, Special Ed said the night in the fantasy suite has given her "more of an appreciation for who Nick is."  That's an artful way to put it.  

Rose Ceremony

HARRISON IS IN FINLAND.  After being marginalized all season, Fleiss & Co. gave Harrison his due and sent him to see the Northern Lights. 

Weepy Hans gave the first rose to That's So Raven.  

The final rose went to Special Ed Vanessa (obviously).  

I feel sorry for Rachel, but not all that sorry for Bachelorette Rachel.  She's getting what she came for (and what she deserves): her own season.   

Until next week when we get the real prize: Neil mf'n LANE!!!  

The Bachelor Episode 9: Whiskey, Andi, Finland.

Good evening, friends. We left off last week with Andi Dorfman knocking on Hans' door. Offered whiskey or wine, she follows Wags' lead and opts for the whiskey. It appears that Andi's only reason for being on the show was to give Hans a sex pep talk for the upcoming overnights. If you hop in the way back machine...we harken back to Andi's season when finalist Hans was very upset that Andi slept with him before cutting him in the finale. Hans assumed overnight suite sex secured the final rose. It. did. not.

Basically, Andi tells Hans to man up and not let his former hurt feelings prevent him from sleeping with these girls and similarly breaking their hearts. Great talk, counselor.

Rose Ceremony Time

Going into the final few episodes, there have been few true surprises this season. The early exit of Business Owner Danielle was my one exception and this rose ceremony supplied surprise number two.

To recap:

We have the favorite, Special Ed Vanessa, who still doesn't understand that Hans gets to date other girls. Basically, this means she doesn't get the main premise of the show. Despite that, she is likely still too good for Hans. We also have next Bachelorette Rachel who absolutely is too good for Hans and needs to get cut without too much collateral damage. We have It’s So Raven who wants to get the hell out of Moxie, Arkansas. And finally, we have Ivanka on the main stage. Ivanka. Main stage.

I googled jane loincloth to get some images to photoshop to explain Ivanka's dress. Instead, I found her actual attire for the rose ceremony.

Surprisingly didn't work

The first rose is given to Raven. A mild surprise but I still expect Rachel to go. RACHEL gets the second rose. That means Special Ed Vanessa or Ivanka is going home. Special Ed gets the rose. And we will welcome Ivanka back home to sunny South Florida. We missed you Ivanka. You have been a wonderful Florida Woman keeping our kooky reputation in tact.

I expected a little more from our dear Ivanka. It turns out she was a modern Icarus, flying too close to the sun.

Hans does Finland.

I love you Mike Fleiss & Co. He brought Hans, the 13th Prince of the Southern Isles, to Finland for overnights. We begin with a That's So Raven helicopter ride. It looks very cold in Finland. And they explain that it's only sunny a couple hours a day. What hours? 8-10am? 12-2pm? 5-7pm? Does anyone else find this curious?

You know what else is curious? Finnish darts. Don't know what I'm talking about? Take a close look at that Finnish dartboard.

WTF?

They talk about their future. He’ll cook. She'll fold. Stopped paying attention as I google Finnish Darts.

That's So Raven reveals her modest sexual history along with the lack of orgasms. I can't decide if that puts more or less pressure on Hans. But that's not the confusing part. Raven explains that the lack of orgasm was a trust issue. Acceptable. But she's looking forward to sex with a guy simultaneously dating 30 other women? No trust issues there? WOMEN MAKE NO SENSE.

In other news, I'm worried that Hans' Turtleneck might make this discussion moot. No male has ever worn a turtleneck and ended up having sex. It's a fact. Don't even bother looking it up. Or you can check back next week when Wags' takes the keyboard for a 3 hour episode. WHAT?

The Bachelor Episode 8: Hometowns

A Bachelor recap combined with a national holiday!?  This calls for whiskey and ice cream.  Okay, every Monday calls for my dream combo, but many of my Mondays are holidays.  Hooray for being a government employee.  Raise your hand if you got President Lincoln's birthday off as a holiday last week.

Also named Tim.

The episode began back in "Bimini."  I still don't believe it's a real place.  Have you ever met anyone that's been there?  I haven't even met anyone that's heard of the place.  Until further notice, the only explanation I will accept for Bimini is that it's an island owned by one of these weirdos.  

After sending KGB DDS, the remaining four women worried about Hans's unpredictability.  Sounds like great husband material.  If I had a nickel for ever time I've heard someone say, "My dream spouse is intelligent, caring, kind, and unpredictable."

All four got roses.  We're off to the hometowns of Ivanka, Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, and Special Ed Vanessa.  

Hometown #1: That's So Raven in Hoxie, Arkanasa

Apparently, Fleiss & Co. are not going to shy away from every southern stereotype I may or may not have: ATVs, country music, jean shorts, swamps, and grain bins (?).  

According to Raven, any time you need to have a serious conversation in Hoxie, you go to a grain bin.  I am beyond baffled.  While on top of the grain bin, a police officer detained them.  He seemed like a fake police officer, but he turned out to be Raven's real brother.  Unfortunately, he did not arrest Hans.  

The date continued with some mudding followed by mud wrestling.  Do they do this stuff in Florida, Dugan!? (On second thought, don't answer that).  It was my second favorite mud wrestling scene I've seen.

You're my boy, Harrison.

Sadly, Raven's dad received a lung cancer diagnosis 1 1/2 years ago.  And now he has to meet Hans.  Hasn't he suffered enough already?  Thankfully, Papa Raven recently received the news that he's cancer-free.  I feel personally happy for Papa Raven, as guys like us (bald acceptors) need to stick together.

At the end of the date, That's So Raven couldn't pull the trigger and say the magic words.

Hometown #2: Rachel Esq. in Dallas

Rachel started off the date by taking Hans to her church.  Hans said his church at home is "a little different."  I wonder if he's talking about race.  

Rachel seems pretty smart.  I wonder who wins in court, Andi Dorfman or Rachel Esq.  

After all the buildup, Rachel's federal appellate court judge father couldn't be on the date because he had work obligations, aka I-will-never-be-on-a-reality-show-i'm-not-judge-judy.  Not only did his seemingly intelligent daughter decide to go on the Bachelor (maybe twice?), but now she went and forever screwed up his previously impeccable wikipedia page.

After a whole bunch of talk about how she's never brought a white guy home and Hans has never met a black person before, Rachel's white brother-in-law was there.  But then he went and said, "I can't help but notice you are a white."  Mrs. Wags thinks he was doing a bad impression of Zach Galifinakis.  I'm not so sure.  

Other than the race-focused conversation, there wasn't too much of note here.  

Hometown #3: Ivanka in Miami 

The date started off with an aerial view of a marina.  From my many experiences in south Florida, this seems to be an accurate portrayal of what Floridians are all about.   And who can blame them?  When I'm in Florida, this is what I'm all about.

Ivanka took Hans to the fancy mall where she knew every retail salesperson by name.  Hans thought this was possibly a good thing.  Once Ivanka bought him a $3,000 outfit, he should know that it's not a good thing.  Dugan, when you go to the Tomas Maier store at that mall, could you please pick me up a pair of these shoes?

In the mall food court, Ivanka told Hans she loves him.  All the high school kids must have been laughing at them.

Hans met her family and her "nanny" Raquel.  Raquel proceeded to serve wine, dinner, do the dishes, and interview Hans.  Nanny = indentured servant.    

Papa Ivanka, let's just call him Donald, was wearing no less than four bracelets.  I can forgive the gold chain, but multiple bracelets?  

Mama Ivanka, let's call her Ivana, told Ivanka to be real and remember it's just fantasy.  WOW.  I didn't expect chardonnay-chugging Ivana to be the voice of reason.  I expected Raquel to be the voice of reason.  

Hometown #4: Special Ed Vanessa in Montreal

Special Ed first took Hans to meet her students.  All of her students are over 21, French or English speaking, and special needs.  I LOVED the women wearing the I Heart Galileo t-shirt.   According to Stephen Hawking, Galileo probably bears more of the responsibility for the birth of modern science than anybody else, and Albert Einstein called him the father of modern science.  So I guess that girl's t-shirt is on point.  

Rachel and Vanessa seem too good for this dope.  But when I pondered that thought out loud, Mrs. Wags astutely pointed out the major character flaw of signing up to be on the show in the first place. 

Special Ed's parents are divorced, so Hans had to meet her parents separately.  Though they were in Canada, her entire family is apparently VERY Italian.  

Special Ed's siblings asked the hard questions of Hans and Special Ed.  Special Ed's mom grabbed her chin and said "look at me. . . look at me," before delivering a serious message.  I told Mrs. Wags that we need to have more conversations where I hold her chin and say, "look at me."  I just practiced on her (interrupting her Pinterest search), and she quickly said she doesn't like people grabbing her chin.  Even after 18 years together, we still have so much to learn about one another.  

The evening continued over at her dad's house.  I am not sure what happened because most of the date was interrupted by a flash flood warning for northern California.  Don't worry about me, I have a great pair of galoshes.  

Special Ed ended the date devastated to find out that Hans asked for permission on other dates.  

Rose Ceremony

There must have been another flood warning, as I did not realize how they ended up in New York.  

Not-so-shocking ending: Andi showed up at his hotel room, said "Hello Nick," and then CUT.  Episode over.  

See you next week, with Dugan leading the way.  

The Bachelor Episode 7: Tears, Sharks and Tears

Hans' tears have breached the dam.

We begin the episode in St. Thomas where the drama from last week is still unresolved. Hans gets a pep talk from Harrison and looks to assure the girls he’s here for the right reasons. Besides the amount of tears, what’s striking is how few women are left:

Ivanka

Special Ed Vanessa

Rachel Esq.

That’s So Raven

Cheesehead Danielle

KGB DDS

It is late in the season, but I feel Hans is trying to convince the girls to stick with him over these last few weeks. The chance of a successful relationship coming from this season has to be the lowest probability since Jake/Brad’s seasons. Maybe it’s a 4 letter name thing? That’s why Tim and Dugan stick to 3/5 letters.

You know a good way to get a girl to like you? Take them to Bimini! Hans says why not and has to trim the suave six to the final four a few miles off the coast from Dugan.

Did I just say Final Four? No, we’re not talking about the Stevie Vasturia-lead Notre Dame basketball team. Next week are Hometowns!!!

Special Ed Vanessa & the Bermuda Triangle Shipwreck

The most interesting part of this trip was Ivanka’s initial response: “You lucky bitch.” Special Ed Vanessa is an assured front-runner and my pick to win at this point. Still smarting over the lack of a one-on-one, Ivanka decides to trash Special Ed Vanessa as having “no depth” and constantly talking about pasta and her special needs kids. Ivanka is becoming a super-villain and must be stopped.

Hans may have surfaced from the snorkeling too quickly because he dropped this gem later on the date: “Hometowns is next week” Oh, Hans. So eloquent.

Special Ed Vanessa appears to understand the show. She gives Hans the “I’m falling in love….” talk. Then she is flummoxed when she doesn’t get it back. No reciprocation is par for the course.

Do they get the show in Canada?

Ivanka, KGB DDS, and That’s So Raven go to School

We start the group date hearing the girls points of view. KGB DDS is sick of sharing her boyfriend. Raven simply wants the rose. Ivanka wants Nick. And the producers did not wait long to get the fireworks started. Having Hans apply sunscreen to KGB DDS in front of Ivanka/That’s So Raven was pure genius. We all know Ivanka’s lack of stability. Don’t sleep on my girl Raven. Remember earlier this season when she admitted to beating up a boyfriend with the stiletto heel of a women he was having sex with at the time. She can go cray if need be.

Watch your back, Hans. Speaking of, it’s shark swimming time. I don’t know why I got a kick out of this, but I did find it funny that KGB DDS started to detail the rows of teeth sharks enjoy. Raven wasn’t intimidated: “I will punch a shark in the face.” Well then.

I only have one question watching this date. How do fake eye lashes do in salt water?

Let’s speed up this recap:

• Ivanka is worried about falling behind.
• Hans cried.
• Raven uses the term “Daddy” which is no Bueno with Mrs. Dugan.
• Nevertheless, Raven gets the rose and Ivanka is starting to get worried.

Cheesehead Danielle and the Boring Date

At first, this date was pretty cool. They road bikes and started playing basketball with local kids. It went downhill when they had to talk to one another. Here’s the recap.

Boom. She’s getting cut mid-date. That’s how bad it was. Cutting her was the only interesting thing to come after basketball. It also gave us this exchange:

Hans: “You’re just so great”

Danielle: “Not great enough. I’ll leave and get my things.”

Hans: “I’ll walk you out.”

Danielle: “Sure.”

OUCH BABE.

Ivanka and the Caitlyn fail, Rachel as the next Bachelorette Date, and the KGB DDS Exit

Ivanka tried to cheer up Hans with a nightcap. Hans thought better of it and cut her off before he could make the same mistake twice.

Mrs. Dugan did call Rachel Esq. as the next bachelorette from the opening scenes of the premier. It appears those premonitions are now being confirmed by TMZ.

The rest of the season will be set on making Rachel appear great. She’ll get cut and be sad, but not too sad to be broken. The date was fun. At a local bar, Nick knew to just order a beer. Rachel hesitated…you know she wanted to order a chardonnay but thought better and ordered a beer. After admitting she never brought home a white guy, Rachel still make Hans comfortable and assured him he had nothing to worry about.

Goodbye KGB DDS. We’ve had enough of Russia lately.

The Bachelor Episode 6: Turnips and Lipstick

So, did you miss us?  Dugan and I have been very busy lately so we decided to only blog on time for our paid subscribers.  And since we have zero paid subscribers, we do what we want.

By the way, we have almost 100,000 blog views.

Last week's episode was about as interesting as a calculus class, so you didn't miss much.  My ice cream is finished, so let's start the recap:

After the 2-on-1 date with Ivanka and Potty Mouth Taylor, Hans sent the Potty Mouth home.  Potty wouldn't take no rose for an answer, so she showed up at the evening portion of Ivanka's date to reveal the truth about Ivanka.  Potty figured that the only reason she got sent home was Ivanka's lying.  I wish Hans had said, "I just don't think you're very good looking."  Unfortunately, not all dreams come true.  

Dreams come true.

...and sometimes they don't.

Upon "winning" the 2-on-1, Ivanka provided a quote I will not use at work, "Cats have nine lives, and bitches have two."   

Speaking of Ivanka, tough week for her shoes.  

Rose Ceremony

Joining Ivanka, Rachel Esq., and Cheesehead Danielle with roses was:

KGB Christina

That's So Raven

Special Ed Vanessa

BO Danielle

Warriors Jasmine

Pilates Whitney

Goodbye to Flipper Alexis (sad), Baby Erica Rose Josephine (not so sad), and Jaime (doesn't like) Balls (no one cares).

The crew continued their journey for love in St. Thomas.  You know what that means, right?  It means cut-off jean shorts with exposed pockets!!!  So predictable.  

1-on-1: KGB Christina

KGB was very excited to get the date and take her first trip on a sea plane.  Hard to land an ice plane in Putin's icy Russia.

Back in Russia, KGB has a sister that she "thinks" is 27.  According to KGB, they don't talk often.  Shocking. 

In the evening portion of the date, Hans said he wanted to know more about her.  She's from Russia.  She had no food.  She once ate lipstick because she had no food.  Her mom kicked her out of the house when she was 5 possibly because she ate the lipstick.  She went to a Russian orphanage.  

I found a picture of her orphanage.  

At 12, an American family adopted her.  Apparently, eating lipstick was worth it because she got the date rose. 

Group Date: Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, Special Ed, Ivanka, Cheesehead, and Warrior

If the Bachelor is any indication, St. Thomas is FILLED with steel drums.  And when I think of steel drums, I can think of only one thing:

The group date started with corn hole and volleyball.  I'll take the sea plane.

During the volleyball game, So Raven delivered some great lines.  "I'm sure [Ivanka] would be a great volleyball player...if she wasn't so drunk." Also, "If Jasmine was a vegetable, she'd be a turnip because she's turnt all the way up."   

In the evening portion of the date, all of the women wanted "validation," especially Warrior Jasmine. "Why'd you bring me to St. Thomas?  I've been to St. Thomas.  I don't need to be here," said Warrior. At least she got to go to Waukesha, a place she surely had never been before.  When she finally got some private time, she figuratively said she wanted to choke Hans, but then she went on to say that she literally wanted to choke him in a sexual way.  Less than 30 TV seconds later, Hans said no thank you and sent Warrior home.  

2-on-1: Pilates Whitney and BO Danielle

This is the type of date a wish I could bet real money on.  I'd bet $500 that BO is getting the rose.  But I probably wouldn't get a good odds.  

Before I could even finish thinking about how much money I would bet, Hans unceremoniously sent Pilates home.  He must be more of a BAR method guy.  

In the evening portion of the date, Hans decided that he couldn't handle BO Danielle either.  I'm not sure what this means for this fake bet I spent all this time thinking about.  Anyway, all of us are winners because BO's personality left much to be desired.  

Until next week, when Hans keeps cutting...

***Was Chris Harrison even on this episode one time!?***

The Bachelor Episode 4: On Wisconsin

It's wine and lasagna night tonight.  For all the women on the Bachelor, lasagna is a layered pasta dish with cheese and other good stuff.  I don't need to tell you all what wine is.

We resume the episode with the usual scene of Ivanka asleep and the other women complaining about Ivanka's sexual aggressiveness.

Special Ed Vanessa, interviewed while wearing a low-cut sports bra, said she would not be "shaking her t*ts at him."  But she's more than willing to shake at us!

Before the rose ceremony, Ivanka claimed that she wasn't privileged.  

Rose Ceremony #1

Joining Lawyer Rachel, Business Owner Danielle, and Special Ed with roses were:

Miss Piggy Raven

Potty Mouth Taylor

Pilates Whitney

KGB DDS

Warrior Jasmine (I needed this after the Warriors' loss to Dugan's Heat tonight)

Flipper Alexis

(It's a lock that Ivanka is getting a rose)

Astrid

Cheesehead Danielle

Jaime (doesn't like) Balls

Baby Erica Rose Josephine

Teacher Sarah

And the final rose goes to....Ivanka (told you it was a lock)

Goodbye Christen Lou Who and Brittany.  One good nickname down.  One girl who appeared naked with no nickname also down.  

After the rose ceremony, Ivanka proposed a toast.  Based on how drunk she was, I'm surprised she could string the words together.  Every time she talks, she reminds me of a pretty awesome SNL character:

Harrison announced that it "was time to pack" their bags because they are "literally" going around the world.  First stop on this world tour: Waukesha, Wisconsin!!!

Solo Date #1: Business Owner Danielle

BO Danielle got to walk around Waukesha on her date to learn a little more about Hans.  They stopped at bakery first.  They made a special cookie for Hans, the "Nicker-doodle."  DO NOT try to say that five times fast.  I promise you it's a bad idea.

Next, they happened to run into one of Hans's exes.  Fleiss and Co. are such cruel puppeteers.  

Since the date wasn't all that interesting, I thought I would look up all the famous people from Waukesha.  WOW!  On the bright side, I guess Waukesha has a history with the slender man stabbing. 

In the evening portion of the date, BO Danielle wore a low cut dress.  Like her personality, it didn't leave much to the imagination.  BO could mean business owner, but in her case it definitely also means BOring. 

BO got a date rose, but before the date ended they went to the Pabst Theater (love the beer themed state of Wisconsin) to see Chris Lang.  I went on Spotify to see who he is, and found out that he's actually Chris Lane.  I also sort of thought it was Kyle Martino.

Not Chris Lang or Chris Lang.  

Group Date: Lawyer Rachel, Flipper, Special Ed, Warrior Jasmine, Balls, Teach, Pilates Whitney, KGB DDS, Astrid, Potty Mouth, Cheesehead, and Ivanka

The date started off on a dairy farm.  My brother, Joe Wags, worked on a dairy farm while in college at UW Madison.  I thought I would ask him for the inside scoop.  I didn't realize I would get this response:

Thumbs down

Ivanka said she'd rather be at a spa eating a taco, preferably chicken.  This sounds insane, but I think I might also be interested in getting a back massage while downing a burrito.  

They shoveled manure and milked cows.  I'm glad I went to law school.

In the evening portion of the date, Ivanka heard the other women talking trash about her, focusing on her immaturity.  She showed how mature she is by grabbing her boobs and saying, "Do these look immature?"  Ivanka knew what was going on with the other women, using a baby voice to say, "I see you."

Ivanka then delivered the QOTN:  "Michael Jordan took naps.  Abraham Lincoln took naps."  Case closed.  

Minutes later, Ivanka pointed out that they are "fighting for a fiance, not a pickle."  Ivanka is setting back the cause of the Women's March just by talking.  

KGB DDS got the date rose.  

Solo Date #2: Miss Piggy Raven

The date started off at Hans's youngest sister's soccer game.  

My favorite movie older brother and way younger sister

Other than Bella's domination of the competition, there was not much to report on the date.  

They proceeded to the roller rink...with Bella in tow.  

In the dinner portion of the date, Miss Piggy told the graphic story of how she walked in on her boyfriend "thrusting" on top of another woman.  I'm glad Bella wasn't still on the date to hear that story.  Apparently, Hans likes raunchy infidelity stories.  Miss Piggy Raven got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony #2  

Ivanka, drunk and angry, decided to take on Potty Mouth Taylor.  After Potty Mouth said Ivanka had low emotional intelligence.  Ivanka said she must be intelligent because she runs a multi-million dollar company.  Can't argue with that.

This dummy fight continues next week.

(The queen of the outtakes, Flipper, said that she is afraid of Nicholas Cage and aliens.  I hope she's the next Bachelorette.)

The Bachelor Episode 3: Is Hans Here For The Right Reasons?

No.

Hey hey, fans and friends. This week was a fantastic episode. The blog received shout-outs from Fleiss & Co (See Ivanka's quote later) and the episode had multiple laugh-out-loud moments. Let's get right into it picking up from last week's "to be continued" at the rose ceremony. In a bit of a role reversal, we have the contestants wondering if the Bachelor is here for the right reasons. In an attempt to be transparent, Nick explains why he let Maid of Honor Liz go during last week's group date. He also could be dropping hints about his willingness to have one night stands. Hint hint, ladies. On that note, Ivanka decides that a trench coat and very little else besides whip cream will help her chances. She might have forgot she was already secure with the group date rose. We later find out she has trouble with short term memory which explains a lot. The whip cream trench coat act brought a flurry of fun quotes:

Hans: "Is this a dress or a coat?"

Hans: "She's good at stimulating chemistry"

Potty Mouth Taylor: "WHAT WAS THE WHIP CREAM FOR?!?"

Let's try to tighten this up and get to the actual rose ceremony. Hans doesn't want Ivanka to go full villain yet and asks her to tone it down. He knows full villain means she has to go (unless you're a TUlsa Real estate Developer). Tears ensue and Ivanka sleeps through the rose ceremony.

Who's joining Ivanka with rose safety?

Astro
Potty Mouth Taylor
Brittany
KGB DDS
Business Owner Danielle
Lawyer Rachel
Special Ed Vanessa
Miss Piggy
Balls
Flo
Teacher Sarah
Flipper
Brittany
Baby Erica Rose
Warrior Jasmine

Goodbye Lacey and Photographer Hailey and possibly other people who were not that memorable.

Backstreet's Back. No. Really. 

Ok, even I got confused with the math here when the girls said they were such fans. The group formed in 1993.

Business Owner Danielle was three.

Christen Lou Hou was one.

KGB DDS was zero and in Leningrad.

Pilates Whitney was one.

Potty Mouth Taylor was not conceived.

Warrior Jasmine was five.

Ivanka was zero.

Huge fans, though. The biggest fans. The Backstreet guys seemed fine. Warrior Jasmine predictably kicked ass. So did Business Owner Danielle on her way to securing the group date rose. We had some excellent editing work from Fleiss & co catching Ivanka claim not "to be a crybaby" and immediately cutting to her tears.

Ivanka: "I'm terrible at planned dancing."

Hans: "Do you mean choreography?"

Ivanka: "I made Corrine great again." Nice Ivanka shout-out there.

The last interesting part of this group date was the Ivanka Nanny confession. She's 24. She has a nanny. For herself. And the way Ivanka explains it, this nanny Raquel only gets joy from serving Ivanka. So, she's really being the magnanimous one here.

Special Ed's Zero G Vomit

Sometimes pictures work better.

But, seriously, has Hans ever been nauseous? He was all over her. Give the girl some damn space. At least Special Ed walked away with the rose later at dinner. 

Nickathalon with Lawyer Rachel, Flipper, Astro, Balls, Teacher Sarah, Brittany, & Flo

Despite Brittany's excitement over the sports-themed date, Astro, Flipper and Lawyer Rachel stole the show while Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter judged. 

A final 100 meter dash had Lawyer Rachel clearly win and somehow Astro walk away with the win. Even Hans gave a half-hearted cheers in the post race-hot tub:

“To……..kind of winning it.”

Other thoughts from the group date?

• Lawyer Rachel does not belong on this show.
• Don't worry, Balls. We didn't forget your quote from the after-party.
• “I just want you to know…that I wasn’t like trying to be the weird lesbian” -Balls
• Flo challenged Hans and was immediately sent home for the transgression. 

Rose Ceremony = Pool Party

17 girls. 1 Nick. And a Bounce House? Ivanka drags Hans away and the girls begin a fatal bachelor/ette mistake. They complain about another girl... 

Time's up. Ivanka.

Miss Piggy begins: "She has a nanny”

Warrior Jasmine joins in. 

Potty Mouth Taylor is next.

THIS IS NOT A WINNING MOVE. Have you ever seen this show?

Special Ed Vanessa is about to take the bait and spins out of the mess and into the open floor: “I’m not Judging Ivanka…I’m judging your actions”

Boom. That's a great place to end...and pick up next week.