The Bachelor Episode 10: Finale Part 1

Whiskey.  Check.  Ice Cream.  Check.  Neil Lane?  Seems unlikely.  Maybe a producer will be heard in the background saying, "Get Neil NOW!" like the producer in the background said, "Get Chris NOW!" last week.  I can only hope because I don't see a scenario necessitating his appearance right now.  Wait a second.  Maybe that's why Neil Lane showed up during the Live Season Premiere?  It makes too much sense.  

Just drawing some diamond ring designs in my casual black suit.

At the beginning of the episode, Colton is still lost in the forest like a tay in the wind.  

First ever Nell reference on our blog?

Fleiss and Co. were all chasing after him like a search party canvassing for a lost neighborhood dog.  Snickers!  Here Snickers!  Sniiiiiiickers!!!

They all got in vans.  One van went "left" and the other went "right."  Good plan.  I think Neil Land might be more skilled at leading this search party.

Harrison suggested calling the policia.  I'd love to hear that conversation with Harrison explaining to the Portuguese police that they are from a reality dating show and the lead bachelor ran away.  

They finally found Colton.  Colton said he wants to be done with the show completely.  Harrison tried to comfort him by reminding him he has two backup options in Tay Tay and Other Hannah.  Ouch.

After a commercial break, Harrison showed up at Colton's hotel room.  Colton did not leave the show.  Neil Lane is still in play.

Colton described how he's in love with Cassie and no one else.  Harrison dropped the what-if-she's-not-that-into-you?  Colton turned full psychopath and said, "I think she loves me."  I think it was pretty clear from last week that Harrison is correct.  I hope he chases Cassie to Huntington Beach and then Papa Cass (best Dugan nickname) blocks the relationship again.  

First order of business: break up with Tay Tay.  After he broke up with her, he couldn't stop sobbing. Then she started sobbing.  Then I started sobbing because I finished my ice cream.

After skipping all of the in-studio stuff, the episode returned to third wheel Other Hannah.  Colton showed up at her hotel room looking like the grimmest of reapers. 

He broke up with her too because she "doesn't deserve to be anyone's second choice."  Though it sounds like he pulled this line from the last romance novel he read, it's a nice sentiment.  

For as great as last week's episode was, this one has been a real snooze.  Near the end of the episode, Harrison delivered the QOTN: "For the first time ever, there are no women left on the show."  

Until tomorrow, in Huntington Beach.

The Bachelor Episode 9: Fuck all of this.

This show loves hype. It loves to over-hype. Last night's episode was the exact opposite. I don't think they could have hyped this episode enough. They literally destroyed a man on television for America's entertainment. It helps that he's kind of a man-child doofus, but I also think it helps because they have been making women look awful for decades. It was time for payback. 

Lots of Virgin Talk

But about virginity

Before we get to the climax of the episode (see what I did there?), we have to discuss the rest of the boring details. Chris and Colton discuss Colton's willingness to lose his virginity during the fantasy suite dates. It's obvious he has thought about this waaaaay too much. It's also pretty obvious he is not going to kick the tires on all 3 ladies, but is singular in his mindset. We head off to Algarve, Portugal and Colton says the least surprising quote of the night: "I've never been to Europe."

Tay Tay and the Lighthouse

The date begins with a regular Bachelor/ette statement regarding Colton "planning the date" for the two of them. It has never been less believable than said by Colton. I assume Colton only has slip on shoes because laces confuse him. We do get the Bachelor obligatory helicopter date and hearken back to the greatest exit in bachelor history, the ice shelf dagger. They have numerous awkward discussions that touch on Colton's virginity including Portugal's exports of "virgin olive oil", his lack of flexibility "because he's a virgin". During dinner, he is focused primarily on Tay Tay's wardrobe malfunction. 

I am starting to think Colton's virginity may not be randon, surprising, or his choice. Despite spending the night in the fantasy suite, Colton and Tay Tay "didn’t have the physical intimacy [she] would have wanted…” Enough said, Tay Tay, enough said. Colton, if you are reading this blog, that means you didn't have sex.

Did Colton have sex yet?

Teacher Cassie's Fireworks

As this date began, they sped around Portugal countryside in a vintage Mercedes, fed each other in a market, danced in the street and bought matching Pajamas. My bachelor notes literally read as follows: How many times can you blog the word “Ugh!”

The day was going Bachelor/ette perfectly until Cassie's dad was brought up. Point of order! Did you notice that Colton didn't ask the fathers for their blessing but for their permission? More fodder for the "Colton is a big 12 year old" argument. Don't worry, Papa Cass (which incidentally may be my favorite nickname ever) shows up in Portugal to relieve Cassie of her sadness and give his blessing end Colton's life. Papa Cass asks whether she loves Colton: “I think I do.” This was literally the least believable moment on screen since Juliette Lewis apologized to Luke Wilson for the gang bang in Old School.

We, the viewer, knows what's going to happen. We know Cassie is going to deliver the death blow. At the same time, the producers are showing Colton's anticipation level rising. He thinks he's about to lose his virginity and he is getting dumped instead. We cannot look away from the trainwreck happening before us.

When they get together, Cassie is trying to tip toe around the obvious when it finally hits Colton: “Are you planning on leaving tonight…”

I've been dumped. It happens. It sucks. Listen to Chuck and Josh explain the Science of Break-Ups if you want more details on the subject. But the Bachelor/ette is not supposed to get dumped this late in the season. In fact, two Bachelors dumped the girl they picked in the season FINALE prior to the recap show. This cruelty has been happening for years, but the shoe is now on the other foot. Watching him grovel had to feel good for Mrs. Mesnick and Becca. Watching him literally shake felt less good. It did not look like I was watching an adult get dumped. I felt like a freshman got dumped the night before homecoming. He was so emotional. So distraught. So blindsided. How can you be this blindsided when you are literally dating three women at the same time?

Colton's comments:

1. "Did you already made a decision..."
2. "The last thing I’m gonna do is walk away from this relationship…"
3. "I'm willing to to give up the engagement…"
4. "I love you..."
5. "I want a future with you..."
6. "I want it to be you..."

Hey, Colton, let me take these in order as I play Cassie:

1. "Yes."
2. "You do you, boo."
3. "And?"
4. "I'm really, sorry" in the style of Juliette Lewis.
5. "You can watch next season."
6. "See #4."

To sum up the answers, 1-6, Cassie dropped the QOTN: “I feel like staying here is making the wrong decision for me.” Well, that's the most definitive thing she said all year.

Colton's response? “Fuck all of this. I’m done. I’m done with all of this.”

The Bachelor Episode 8: It's Too Late to Apologize

I'm writing this post a day late.  Today I saw a spoiler that the favorite went home, but I have no idea who the favorite is so I remain unspoiled.  My favorite is not going home: whisky and ice cream.

The episode began like all others with Colton in the shower.

Miss Cackalacka in Fredericksburg, VA

They took a really romantic horse drawn carriage and passed by all the sights of Fredericksburg.  Cack's pediatrician's office, a strip mall, and a burger joint.  It's not exactly Central Park.

They met Cack's family at a backyard BBQ.  Cack's sister looked like her but with a crappier makeup artist.

Mamma Cack is not sure if Colton or Cack are ready for this.  Stepdad Cack says it seems like they should just be friends.

Colton asked Stepdad for permission to marry Cack.  Here was his reaction:



Mrs. Wags, watching the show for the second time this season says, "These two don't even know each other.  This is bonkers."

Other Hannah in Birmingham, Alabama

Part of me kind of hopes they run into Hannah Alabama.

Other Hannah said she's going to show Colton "what the South is all about."  Ohhhhh.  Great.

Apparently this meant going to a class to learn manners.  Don't worry Colton, I have you covered:



Colton said the first thing you should do when you sit down is "say grace."  This guy is 10 years old.  I hope he asks permission to be excused after he whines about having to eat his vegetables.

Dinner at Other Hannah's included lots of family and Hannah's mom.



Lunch Lady Mom looked like she was going to vomit over the idea that Hannah might end up with Colton. 

Hannah's dad felt similarly.  When Colton asked his permission, he looked shell shocked and didn't seem like he would be give his permission.  Fleiss and Co. and their bright lights and cameras caused him to cave. 

Mrs. Wags' analysis: "They seem like the most real-life couple." 

Tay Tay in the OC

I miss this show.

Tay Tay surprised Colton with a skydiving trip.  They are both terrified of heights.  Great plan.  Sounds relaxing.

I have never gone skydiving (and don't intend to), but the most terrifying part would have to be flying in that jalopy of an airplane to get up there.

The skydive showed off Colton's male pattern baldness.  Major problems in sectors two and three.  It makes me like him a just a little bit more (but still not that much).

Tay's dad confronted Colton's for saying he was falling in love with her since he's saying the same thing to three other women.   Great point dad.  Colton asked permission to marry Tay Tay.  Permission...denied.  Yes, dad, yes.  

Tay Tay's older brother seemed like a softie, but he said he's going to be in federal law enforcement and hunt Colton down.  I LOVE THIS FAMILY.

Tay's dad gave his permission in the end, but I sure hope he breaks her heart so the older brother can get to work.

Mrs. Wags' analysis of Colton and Tay Tay: "There's no way."

Teacher Cassie in Huntington Beach

Of course, the date started with a surf lesson.  This should go only slightly better than the snowboard lesson last week.

I think I fell asleep for a few minutes while these two were talking to each other.  

Back at the house, Teacher Cassie's family was blond.  That's about it.  

When talking to her dad, Cassie's dad questioned the wisdom of getting engaged at 23.  Cassie delivered the QOTN, "I'm not dumb."  I think she might have said "duh" also, but I am not going to rewind.  There is only going forward.  No backward.  

Cassie's dad said no to giving his blessing and he didn't rescind.  He wins MVP of the episode.

Mrs. Wags' analysis: "Dumb."  After she gave her in-depth analysis, Mrs. Wags went straight to bed.  

Rose Ceremony

Getting a trip to the most boring fantasy suite of all time was:

Other Hannah

Tay Tay

Teacher Cassie

Goodbye Miss North Cackalacka.  You probably deserve better than this guy.

Until next week, when Gov breaks down a heavily previewed fence jump.

The Bachelor Episode 7: Without Notes Edition

Well, I took notes. I thought I emailed myself those notes. Emphasis on thought. I have to say that it was not the most eventful episode. Alas, I'll go from memory in what may be a short post. We are back in the United States with Colton returning home to Denver. After a pep talk from Mrs. Dugan's cousin Ben Higgins, Colton is ready to go. We have 7 girls left before next week’s home towns. That means we are going to have a 43% kill rate this episode. So…somewhat eventful.

As my girl Taylor would sing, are you ready for it?

Tay Tay’s One on One

Speaking of Tay Tay, Tayishia gets the first one-on-one with a day date with Colton. They get ice cream, shop for dinner ingredients and make a meal together at home. What was up with feeding the dog ice cream? Do dogs eat ice cream? Did you notice how much ice cream was left at the time he shared it with the dog? Did he go back to eating it? Did he give the entire thing to the dog? I need more ice cream eating dogs in the show.

Cooking meals with your girlfriend on a reality show is very different than cooking meals with the mother of your children. Flirty flicks of flour v. glares regarding dishes. I could go on and on mostly because Mrs. Dugan does not read the blog but will refrain because discretion is the better part of valor.

Beginning with Tayshia and continuing throughout the episode, Colton is determined to get answers to the most ever-present question on the Bachelor/ette: WHO IS HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS? In the good old days, we would have Kasey get a guard and protect your heart tattoo. For Colton, the right reason is marrying him and starting a family. I imagine the girls may have a different interpretation of “the right reasons.”

Nevertheless, Tay Tay tells on Teacher Cassie and Miss Cackalacka while securing a rose and a visit to her hometown.

Cackalacka’s plays One-on-One Defense

In the history of terrible dates, I think first snowboard experience has to be high on the list. I know a good number of people that snowboard. Their snowboard origin stories are remarkably similar and involve a lot of initial pain and misery. Perhaps Colton is trying to break down Cackalacka before confronting her with Tayshia’s accusations.Fortunately for Cackalacka, she is dating a true moron and Colton will accept any defense offered. Also, the producers need some drama for these remaining episodes. Everyone knows she is staying. She does.

Hannah Alabama Meets the Fam and her Demise

Colton’s Dad looks like if Jason Statham ate Colton. Colton's dad tells him to trust his gut and not listen to any of the girls. Can we just get the cameras to follow Neanderthal Statham and the dog from Tay Tay's date and be done with this boring Bachelor? Hannah Alabama shares her feelings with Colton's mom before their evening date in a FBO hanger. Dugan has eaten in a hanger. When did this become a thing? You know what eating in a hanger makes you think about? Elizabeth Warren. 

I called Hannah Alabama's demise while Mrs. Dugan scoffed. Guess who was right? The guy with the Bachelor blog. She gone.

The Royal Tenenbaums Group Date with Sixpence Heather, Teacher Kassie, Kirpa and the Other Hannah

Whether you know or even appreciate it or not, this show is operating at another level. Wheels within wheels, my friends. Did you notice the homage to the Royal Tenenbaums at the beginning of the group date?  

House from the show.

House from the movie.

Ok, Dugan, you are a crazy conspiracy theorist. But the Wes Anderson appreciation continued with Sixpence Heather exiting via train in a very Darjeelingesque exit. We are left with Kirpa, Teacher Cassie and the Other Hannah. Was there ever a doubt? He went with young Margot and old Margot. Sorry Kirpa. Until next week when hometowns and Tim.

The Bachelor Episode 6:

It's Christmas Eve!  Or, more accurately, Christmas Eve for government employees.  Tomorrow is a holiday.  Oh, you don't get Lincoln's birthday as a holiday in addition to President's Day?  Since I do, I will be sure to have an extra whiskey in your honor.

My four favorite presidents

Back in Thailand, Colton was walking the beach in a suit at night.  It looked really natural.

The Nigerian Nightmare and Camila Cabella continued their debate from last about bullying.  We need the First Lady to settle this.

Rose Ceremony

Joining Hannah Alabama, Sixpence, and Favorite Cassie with roses was

Miss North Cackalaka
Tayshia
Kirpa Band-Aid
Demi
Other Hannah
Katie
Knicks Sydney

Showing maturity for the first time, Colton got rid of the Nigerian Nightmare and Camila Cabella.

The show headed to Vietnam.  For some reason, the ladies felt the need to lightly jog around the new hotel.  It kind of reminds me of when cooking show chefs have to sprint around a kitchen.  I never want to have to sprint around a courtroom because that means something has gone terribly wrong.

Solo Date: Other Hannah

The date started with a couple's massage.  Vietnamese masseuses appear to just wrap you in banana leaves and take off.  Give me the Swedes every day of the week.

Back at the house, Miss Cackalacka criticized Other Hannah for "just getting by on her looks."  That's rich coming from a person that competes with her looks.

By the way, my computer auto-corrected to spell "Cackalacka" the right way.

Other Hannah looks like she's 14.  She sounded like she's 14 when she said, "Opening up is not my jam."

Other Hannah realized her parents were getting a divorce when her mom drove her car over her dad's lawn.  And he loved that lawn.  I am dumber for watching this.

via GIPHY

Other Hannah got a rose.

Group Date: Favorite Cassie, Sixpence, Tayshia, Miss Cackalacka, Katie, Hannah Alabama, Knicks Sydney, and Demi

The women had to do a martial arts fight for Colton's heart.  The best part was the guest judge, the host of Bachelor Vietnam.  Great news: we have a new blog coming out next year.  www.duganandwags.hanoibachelor.com

Not much happened in this group date.  The women started to crumble.  Katie said her biggest fear was being misunderstood.  I'd go with premature death, spoiled half and half,  or breaking my femur, but hey, we all have our things.

Colton's beard bugs me.  It seems like the kind of beard we all grew in college when we wanted to see what it felt like to have a beard.

Knicks Sydney couldn't handle that Colton "never looks at her."  Shocking that a gal used to being stared at by 20,000 fans at Madison Square Garden would need this kind of attention.  The lack of attention drove her to leave the show.  Power move when you know you're getting sent home by the end of the episode.

Tayshia got the date rose.

Solo Date Kirpa Band-Aid

Kirpa Band-Aid seemed like she was not that into Colton.  Or maybe she's just a normal person.  I can't tell.

Later in the evening, Kirpa admitted that she was engaged to a guy she had been with for eight years. Like Colton, this dude was a virgin.  All these 20-something virgins.  Maybe it's for real.

Kirpa got a date rose.

Colton's Hotel Room

Demi popped snuck over to Colton's room.  She pointed to the bed and asked, "Is this where you sleep?"  Hey, look at that coffee maker, "Is that where you make coffee?"

Is this where you go to the bathroom?

Her plan completely backfired, and Colton sent her home.  He couldn't see himself with her in the end.  He only has space in his heart for one blonde that looks like she's 14.  

Rose Ceremony

Joining Kirpa, Tayshia, and the Other Hannah with roses was

Hannah Alabama
Miss Cackalacka
Favorite Cassie
Sixpence

Katie left while dropping a bomb on Colton, "You have a great group of girls in there; some are ready, some are not."  Best of luck figuring it out, Colton!

The Bachelor Episode 5: We Ain’t Got Time for That

Sorry loyal readers, but Dugan and I have a lot going on right now.  Until this blog starts paying us more than $0/year, we may just decide to take a week (or season) off.

Here’s a 10 cent summary of the episode:

The girl that is lying about never being kissed got kissed.

AK Elyse mentally crumbled and broke up with Colton. She said she couldn’t accept a proposal after a few weeks. They must not get television in Alaska/Arkansas because that’s the premise of the show.

Kirpa had a major band-aid on her chin. No one said anything about it.

Camila Cabella Nicole was unfairly framed as being on the show to “get out of
Miami.”  No offense (yes, offense) to all the other podunk hometowns on this show, but this story was obviously fake from the get go. Leave Miami to go where?  One of America’s many Polar Vortex towns?  I don’t think so.

The fight continued between Camila and Onyeka the Nightmare at the Rose Ceremony pre-party. It was a lot of yelling and I feel dumber for having listened to it.

To be continued!!!

The Bachelor Episode 4: That Got Serious

Great news: Mrs. Wags is watching her first episode of the season.  When I tell people I make my wife watch the show, I am only half-telling the truth because she only watches the show about half the time.  She must not like an excuse to have whiskey and ice cream as much as I do.

The episode started off with Harrison "accidentally" mistaking Hannah Bama for Miss Cacka.  Accident?  More like great script writing.

Harrison then announced that they are going to a place that the show has never gone before?  A library?  Nope.  They flew to Singapore.  The women freaked out like they won the lottery, but at least Other Hannah was honest when she asked, "Where's Singapore?"

Time for all our loyal readers to be honest: Did you know where Singapore is?

I'm looking at the map, and I'm still not totally sure I could describe how to get there.  

Solo Date: Tayshia

Prediction for every date in Singapore?  Colton and his date(s) further sullying America's reputation abroad.

They decided to go bungee jumping.  Don't do stuff like this in foreign countries, especially when they spell it "Bungy" on the side of the tower.  When Mrs. Wags and I were in Zambia, some of our travel pals decided to do a bungee jump.  Every one of them had back pain for days.  

Tayshia, offering words of encouragement before Colton's big jump, simply stated, "Don't die."  Words to live by for most of life's activities.  

Tayshia said she had a secret to reveal to Colton during the evening portion of the date.  My guess is she's been divorced.  And....boom.  Nail on the head (though it wasn't the wildest of guesses).  On most seasons I would say this would be a medium-big deal.  For Colton, this is surely a deal breaker.  He wants a girl that has the maturity (and appearance?) of a 12th grader.  Having spent time in family court is a little too mature of a life activity.

This

Not this

Tayshia got the rose.  

Other Hannah, AK Elyse, Knicks Sydney, Kirpa, Sixpence Heather, Nigerian Nightmare Onyeka, Crazy Tracy, Demi, Camila Cabella Nicole, Peach Courtney, Teacher Cassie, and Hanna Bama

Remember when I said they were going to ruin America's reputation?

That didn't take long.

In possibly the worst Bachelor date ever, they went to a leech spa.  I've been terrified of leeches since childhood for one reason:  Stand By Me.

via GIPHY

There was so little chemistry on these dates that a street tarot card reader described Teacher Cassie as Colton's "past life sister."  

In the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said the most important thing for a man to know is that his wife has "noble character."  Mrs. Wags and I both promised to have noble character during our wedding vows.  Hannah knows what's up. She seems so smart.  Must be the pageant study sessions.  

Demi said she's gone through a lot and is "still" going through it.  I assumed she was going to say that she has an ex-boyfriend that won't leave her alone, but it turns out her mom was just released from federal prison.  Unfortunately, Demi did not reveal the type of crime.  What would be okay to Colton?  Drug trafficking? Not okay.  Conspiracy to commit a crime?  Probably not.  Real estate fraud?  Maybe.  Gun possession?  That's the best case scenario.  Colton is definitely a big 2nd Amendment guy.

Mrs. Wags, watching the show for the first time this season, wondered why Fleiss and Co. cast 25 girls that are pretty much all Corinne.

Proving that he believes in restorative justice, Colton gave the group date rose to Demi.

Solo Date: Miss North Cackalacka

The date was a shopping trip to a women's clothing store at a mall.  While Colton and the viewing audience were supposed to be admiring the dresses, I couldn't stop analyzing the speech impediment caused by Ms. Cack's veneers.  

Later that night, Ms. Cack had a deep secret to reveal.  Ms. Cack's struggles with intimacy are due to being drugged and sexually assaulted in college at a frat party.  There's not much to say on blogger.com about one of the more somber moments on the Bachelor.  Colton seemed to handle it pretty well.  Going forward, this means Hannah Bama has not chance against Cakalacka.  

Cack got the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Colton took Other Hannah to his hotel room.  She was very impressed that the bed was so neatly made.  It's a hotel room, dummy.  Colton had nothing to do with it.  They proceeded to get. it. on. on the hotel bed....while wearing their shoes.  Gross.  There might be leech guts in the bed now.  

Hannah Bama and Cackalacka hashed it out.  Cack said they should support each other as women and apologized.  Maybe she is the most admirable person on the show?  They put aside their differences and now agree that they are basically the same person.

On the other end of the spectrum, Demi told Colton that Peach Courtney is verbally abusive and the "cancer of the house."  Peach then called out Demi and said she's fake.  What a dumb Bachelor fight.

Joining Tayshia, Demi, and Cack with roses was

Other Hannah

Sixpence Heather

Kirpa

Hannah Alabama
Katie
AK Elyse
Knicks Sydney
Teacher Cassie
Camila Cabela
Nigerian Nightmare

Goodbye Peach Courtney and Crazy Tracy.  Upon leaving, Demi said, "Dr. Demi cut out the cancer."  Looks like we have the nickname we've been waiting for.

The Bachelor Episode 3: Technical Difficulties Edition

It's 8:34pm eastern. Dugan walks downstairs after reading Chapter 22 of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with the oldest lil' Dugan. I click on the DVR and see we have a recording fail. We have missed the first 34 minutes of the show! Oh no! North Cackalacky is crying. Why? Does it involve her pageant rival Hannah Alabama? OF COURSE IT DOES! Will I be able to blog even though I missed the first 30 minutes? OF COURSE I WILL!

Tale as old as time

True as it can be

Barely even friends

Then somebody gets a crown

Unexpectedly

Just a little change

Small to say the least

Both a little scared

Neither one prepared

Cackalacky & Bama will make you say "oh jeez"

I was a little Beauty and the Beast inspired because it truly is a Bachelor/ette tale as old as time: "If you like her, you can't like me." This one adds another layer because usually the girls are more different. In this version, North Cackalacky and Hannah Alabama are two sides of the same coin. Brunette Beauty Pageant Belles. 

But Brunette

AK Elyse in San Diego

I really like AK Elyse' nickname. I don't remember if it references AK-47s, Alaska or Arkansas. It's fun. 

Is anything interesting going to happen on this date? Unlikely. AK Elyse is concerned about their age difference of 6 years. I don't feel age difference is a big deal once you are out of school. I don't think a 31 and 25 year old are incompatible. But imagine a 3L dating a college freshman. Same age difference and it would have been HILARIOUS! Is it the 18 to 24? Or the school part? 

They spend the day in Belmont Park with kids, lots of screaming kids. One of the kids has kissed a boy, giving her more experience than Sixpence. AK tells a tragic story of her sister dying of cancer and secures the rose. You can't tell a dead sister cancer story and get cut. It's simply not permitted and I respect Fleiss & Co for that. However, you flip the scrip once and you'll really make people lose their damn minds. Just think about it.

But, it's not just a rose that AK gets. But a TeniIle Arts concert! I googled but there is no information available about this artist. 

“Every strong man needs a stronger woman” Group Date with Tayshe, Mina, Brightlight Catherine, Dancer Sidney Nigerian Nightmare, Teacher Cassie, Camila Cabella and Toronto Catlin

Terry and Rebecca Crews welcome the ladies to a group date where they will compete for Colton in various strength competitions. They say that Rebecca Crews is an actress. Are you an actress if you always play yourself? Am I an actor? What more is involved here?

Some strong woman competition highlights.

• Brightline is a martial arts expert.
• Dancer Sidney can stretch like you would expect a dancer to be able to stretch. Not that I noticed.
• Mrs. Dugan's question: “What is Terry Crews in?” Dugan replied, “Old Spice commercials?”
• Camila Cabella is not going to fare well. It appears she went on the South Beach diet to get ready for the show.
• Nigerian Nightmare doing Christian Okeye proud.

The others didn't stand a chance.

One of the girls gives the quote of the night: “White chicks is one of my favorite movies.” We need to get prop bets for the Bachelor. I would have taken 1000-1 odds this would have been said this season in a prop bet. For the record, that quote was not meant to be ironic. 

In the post date nightcap, Canadian Caitlin gets the mid-date exit. This always comes to mind with the harsh exits.

Cocktail Party - No. Pool, Drama, and Roses - Yes.

Colton plays in the pool like he's 15, not 25. Knocking girls off rafts and cannonballs? Maybe 10, not 15. However, no one is paying attention to the child in the pool because Fleiss & Co. have a simmering princess fight to film. 

Hannah Alabama is very straightforward: "There’s a beautiful monster inside of me…there’s a tank of rage…and it’s full…GROWL”

Miss Northcakalacka brings some serious heat. Basically, she says they were friends until North Cackalacka started dominating the pageant circuit and Hannah Alabama couldn't take it. I could go into detail about the charges each lay on the other, but this gif makes a long story, short. 

North Cackalacka v. Hannah Alabama

To the Roses.

North Cackalacka has one (I missed the first 34 minutes, should have guessed thats what sent H.A. over the edge)

Camila Cabella

AK Elise

The other Hannah

Tayshea

Dancer Caitlynn

Teacher Cassie

Kurza

Dancer Sydney

Demi

Crazy Tracy

Ga Peace Courtney

Sixpence Heather

Nigerian Nightmare

Hannah Alabama

Goodbye Outback and Brightline and Nina. We lost two of my favorite nicknames. Adieu, ladies. Until next week when Tim will likely record and blog about the entire show.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Did You Hear This Guy is a Virgin?

First, I scooped the ice cream, and then I got the whiskey.  The routine felt familiar for a Bachelor Monday.  It was dark, rainy, and cold outside as I sat down on the couch.  I nervously turned on the TV, not sure if I was ready to face the reality of the information I was about to learn.  One question was in my mind and needed to be answered: Is this episode of the Bachelor two hours or three hours long?  And then I looked at the TV....and it was like Chris Harrison answered all my prayers and made this episode only two hours!

Now that I know I will have a decent bedtime, let's get on with the show...

The episode kicked off with Colton filming himself in bed naked.  He was basically interviewing himself.  I will not stand for this further marginalization of Chris Harrison.  Harrison asks the questions here!

Free Chris

Group Date #1: Demi, Outback Bri, Crazy Tracy, AK Elyse, Hannah G Thang, Onyeka, Brightline Catherine, Camila Nicole

The date started at a theater with hilarious husband and wife duo Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman.  You might remember him from his Christmas Yule Log and her from Mad About You.  Most importantly, Nick Offerman is currently a bald and obviously despises the people on this show as much as we do!  "Maybe Colton could give me some tips in the dumbell department."  Pun intended.  

All the girls had to tell a story about their first time doing different things.  

Colton told a story about how a veteran football player asked him, in the locker room, how many women he'd slept with.  For a guy that only played on NFL practice squads for a brief stints (see Dugan's research last week), this seems like a rather personal question.  Or maybe the story is made up.  Yeah, that could be it.  

All of the stories were pretty boring, except Crazy Tracy told a story about beating up her Sorority sister to get to sleep with some guy that was a virgin.  

At night, they went to a swanky LA Club (i.e. a black leather couch on the 39th floor of an LA office building with cool views).  

Demi broke all the rules and touched the group date rose.  This was against the rules.  It was so against the rules that it made Crazy Tracy "sick to her stomach."  This show makes these contestants in-----sane!

Every time Colton talks about sex/intimacy, I can only think of this:

Demi, the youngest of all the young blondes, wisely points out that there is no advantage to being old on this show.  I can't believe I referred to Demi as wise, but she seems to understand Colton.  Prediction: One of the young blondes is winning this show.  

When did Bri lose the fake Australian accent?  I missed the big reveal.  Did Colton also miss the big reveal?

Nicole Cabela said her autistic twin brother is her "everything."  You're likely to lose Carl with statements like that.

AK Elyse, the old lady, got the group date rose.    

Solo Date: Hannah Alabama

Hannah Alabama must have more teeth than the average human.

Back at the house, Miss North Clackalacka admitted that she knows Hannah Bama from the pageant circuit.  And you'll never believe this, but it turns out Hannah Bama is a fake and is not honest about who she really is.  We may have a future fight on our hands.  Roll Tide.

Hannah Bama proposed a toast to "Roll Tide."  It must be great to be an Alabama fan (most of the time).

The conversation wasn't going well, so Colton suggested getting in the hot tub.  They were not getting along well and the conversation was strained, but Colton cannot stand to lose a young blonde this early in the show.

During the evening portion of the date, Hannah Bama said she's not good at expressing her emotions.  I think she meant to say, "I'm not good at putting complete sentences together."

As predicted, Colton's not about to get rid of blondes in the 18-24 demo, thus Bama got the date rose.

Group Date #2: Paw Patrol Alex, Erica, Dancer Katie, Miss North Klack, Knicks Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Courtney, Caitlin Cyrus, Cassie, and Sixpence Heather.

The group date was at a summer camp that looked like it was a family camp in the Catskills.

Any Mrs. Maisel fans out there!?

They had a wheelbarrow race to determine which team of girls got to hang out with Colton at night.  One of the teams won.  I was too busy trying to find a picture of the Steiner Family Camp to see who won.  

Sixpence Heather (great 90s reference Dugan) admitted that she is not only a virgin, but she also has never been kissed.  He almost kissed her, but they just had some intense hand holding instead.  This could be the most tame fantasy suite season ever. 

The date rose went to Sixpence, beneath the milky twilight.

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Demi came out in a robe and took Colton upstairs.  As she took Colton upstairs, Miss Clackalacka delivered the QOTN: "Does she even have parents?"  

Joining AK Elyse, Hannah Bama, and Sixpence with roses was:

Tayshia
Teacher Cassie
Caitlin
Courtney
Demi
Nicole Cabella
Kirpa
Hannah G Thang
Brightline Catherine
Outback Bri
Knicks Sydney
Onyeka
Dancer Katie
Caitlin Cyrus
Nina
Producer Pick: Crazy Tracy

Goodbye Angelique, Annie (a young blonde bites the dust), and Paw Patrol Alex.

Until next week, with more virgin jokes and even more Dugan...

The Bachelor Episode 1: Wetter and Virginous

Ok, off to a rocky start. Don't worry friends, the most suboptimal blog on the Bachelor is back! Even though you likely didn't miss us, we'll labor on for you and look forward to dive into another season featuring former NFL player Colton. While the Dugan family managed to see Mary Poppins, Grinch and Ralph Breaks the Internet over the recent holiday break, we didn't squeeze in Aquaman. Pretty sure I saw enough of Wet Colton during last night's premier to make up for it.

Colton’s a wet Virgin. We get it, ABC. This virginity hook will get very old, very soon. I've always thought this show was an allegory on life and getting very old, very soon about sums up life so far. I must admit I didn't have 3 hours of Bachelor watching in me last night and fast forwarded through the live remotes around the country. Bachelor alums all over the nation prove how good Chris Harrison is at this job. HOLD THE PHONE! NEIL LANE IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

Why we watch

We get introduced to some of the girls. Cassie is a speech pathologist who's in grad school. Hannah Alabama is Miss Alabama who describes herself as the "hot mess express." Ok, I'm listening. Katie is a dancer, Heather, aka Sixpence None the Richer, is 22 and has never been kissed. Like, even by her parents? Never? Or are we just limiting this to romantic kisses. I need to know whether I should be laughing or crying, ABC!

Onyekachukwe Ehie, aka the Nigerian Nightmare, is a 24 yr old IT Risk Consultant. Miami represents with Nicole, aka Camila Cabello, a 25 year old social media consultant. Kirpa is a Dental Hygienist from Whittier, California. 

We meet Demi in Texas, but all I want to know about is her mom. Dad is with stepmom but plenty of people get divorced. We find out that Demi's mom is in federal prison. Get out your PACER accounts, friends! We need details.

Some Virgin Talk

It's been seconds since it was last brought up, so Chris and Colton decide to discuss his virginity. He also talks about the issue with Erica McNut. Colton contradicts himself repeatedly.

At times, he explains it "just happened" because he was a fat, awkward kid growing up. Other times he claims it was a "conscious decision." Did it "just happen" or was it a "conscious decision"? Actually, I do feel like there is some truth in there. It kind of just happened and then he was a virgin in life later than most and it became a more significant thing to him that he wanted to keep for the right time and place.

"It's a conscious decision"

Colton knows it's going to be an issue. He's worried about his inexperience and whether the girls will think he's "not romantic." Chris Harrison, however, comes in from the TOP ROPE! He tells Colton he has to worry whether the girls think "he's not a man!"

Almost there, coach Gundy.

Let's meet the girls

• Texas Demi comes out strong, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12…”
• Tayshia is a Cally Phlebotomist
• Heather, aka Sixpence, is another Cally girl, 22
• Nicole, Dugan's Miami favorite drops some great quotes later, aka Camilla Cabello
• Caelynn, is 23 and Miss North Carolina
• Sydney, is a Knicks Dancer 
• Elyse, 31, is a make up artist from AK. Is that Alaska or Arkansas? It's not like anyone ever mails those two places so why would you know?
• Tahzjuan, aka Tarzan, is a 25 business development associate from Colorado
• Teacher Cassie is 23
• Kirza the Dental Hygienist from Whittier, CA
• Caitlin is another Canada funny girl, 25 realtor 
• Courtney is our Ga Peach
• Katie, 26 is the dancing medical sales rep
• A sloth showed up. 
• Nigerian Nightmare
• McNut
• Hannah Alabama
• Tracy shows up in a police car as the Fashion Police, 31. I wouldn't care but Camila Cabello responded with a great quote: “Thank god for the fashion police because I've never seen so many sequins in my life” followed by “If another pageant girl comes, I’m out.” Camila is my girl.
• Angelique - Jersey girl
• Devin, Broadcast Journalist 23
• Revian, Nurse, 24
• Nina, 30, Croatian girl
• Alex, aka Paw Patrol is a 29 yr old dog rescuer
• Bri, aka Outback, is a 24 year old model and fake Australian. Get it.
• Laura, 26, Dallas accountant
• Hannah G is a 23 year old content creator from Birmingham, Alabama. She is not to be confused with Hannah B, a 23 year old from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Are you kidding me Fless & Co?
• Annie, finally, a New Yorker is 23 and...went to the University of Alabama. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
• Jane is a 26 social worker
• Catherine, aka Brightline (more on that later) is a 26 DJ from Fort Lauderdale. I didn't read many bios but Brightline peeked my interest. Of note? She doesn't have any tattoos because "you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari." Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss.
• Cinderella, aka Erin, is 28, Plano TX

PARTY TIME.

Quick recap time!

• The girls like Colton
• Demi is going to cause a lot of drama this season and begins by grabbing him first. 
• Miss North Cackalacka gets the first kiss
• Brightline is Fort Lauderdale's own Catherine. If you don't know, Brightline is our recent trainwreck of a public transit system. Recently introduced, it's killed more people than Florida's most famous serial killer, Ted Bundy. 
• One of the Hannah Alabamas got the first impression rose.
• Clemson keeps scoring.

Rose Ceremony

Miss North Cackalacka

Dancer Katie

Paw Patrol, aka Alex B

Hannah Alabama

Nigerian Nightmare, aka Onyeka

Caitlin

Annie

Kirza

Sixpence, aka Heather

AK Elyse 

Tayshia

Courtney

Teacher Cassie

Demi (THIS GIRL NEEDS A NICKNAME! HIVE MIND UNITE!)

Somebody?

McNut

Knicks Dancer Cindy

Outback, aka Bri

Angelique

Tracy

Camila Cabella, aka Nicole

Brightline, aka Catherine

Friends, remember the little things when you are watching. This show is high comedy. Fleiss & Co. setting up Devin's exit interview while the rose recipients "cheers" each other in the background.

Bravo!