The Bachelorette Episode 9: Overnights in Thailand

Becca begins the episode admitting she is in love with two men and falling in love with a third. She then breaks down her relationship with the three remaining men:

Fav Garrett

• He received the first impression rose and has been the favorite from start to finish, 
• She is clearly attracted to him but is concerned he won't be willing to commit so soon after his first marriage failed so spectacularly 

Sr. Banker Jason

• He got off to a slow start, but he is closing strong.
• She has no doubts they would be best friends (is Jason in the friend zone?)

Like Blake

• Becca says she's most like herself around Like Blake (good sign!)
• Their relationship is effortless.

Like Blake & Becca visit a Monk

The Monk

Like Blake and Becca visit a sacred temple where they must respect the grounds by not kissing/touching one another. Most couples that are not teenagers could do this with less complaining. However, the trip was not all in vain. Buddhist Monks drop some knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship work:

Honesty  

Ability to Adjust/Adapt

Patience

Giving 

These monks have given better advice on love in five minutes than this show has managed in two decades. But did you get a good view of the monk?

Later that night, Like Blake is like breaking under the pressure. In a tried and true issue, Blake is having trouble with his girlfriend simultaneously dating two other guys. He can’t take that she is dating other guys. Nevertheless, she offers the Fantasy Suite invite since that's like, inevitable, during this episode. Like Blake has Becca's heart and the inside track to one of the final roses.

The Buffalo Banker heads to Bangkok

Ok, so they didn't go to Bangkok, but I needed the B for alliteration. And they are in Thailand. Close enough. Its like Dugan telling people he's from Miami since that's way easier than explaining Fort Lauderdale to someone from Minnesota. Sr. Banker Jason and Becca walk around Thai markets and eat bugs. The banker seems at ease, comfortable, even confidant. 

Then comes the margin call. Becca makes an offhand comment about their future together and it hits her like a ton of bricks. She realizes that she isn't picking Jason. Tim has told us all along this would happen. Jason is who she would end up with in real life, so you don't go on a show to end up with the same guy. 

In a related note, Mrs. Dugan assures me that Sr. Banker’s hair disqualifies him from being the Bachelor/ette. Obviously she didn't read my thoughts on the Barry Melrose-esque hair of Sr. Banker. 

Barry Melrose for next Bachelor!

Dinner is not going well for the Senior Banker. Tim's prediction is coming true and Becca is cutting him without a Fantasy Suite invite. Harsh, but I respect the move, Becca.  Becca admits he’s a great guy and that she usually dates terrible people. Ugh. Gut punch for the banker. 

America, don't feel bad for Sr. Banker Jason. Do you realize his dating prospects in the greater Seattle area are now off the charts? Becca is left between the misogynist and the high school kid. Jason's going to do just fine with all the sympathy ass he can handle. 

Garrett and Becca go Bamboo rafting with all of Thailand

Becca and Garrett begin a relaxing thai bamboo rafting trip. Looks like the advance team for Fleiss & co. didn't find out it was a Thai national holiday and the river was PACKED! It looked cool...almost as cool as Becca and Garrett ending the day drinking Thai 40s. Good for you!

But with Thai beer

Becca and Garrett return to the resort to an outdoor dinner and chat. I imagine Like Blake staring at them from his room balcony in tears. Garrett is saying all the right things. I know he's in sales, but he is saying everything that Becca wants to hear. It's almost like he is being given lines from Rom-Coms and she doesn't realize it.

As Mrs. Dugan and I discuss how much of these lines are being fed by producers, Garrett states the following: “Becca makes me want to be a better man!”

Wait, that’s literally from a movie.

Sr. Banker Jason comes back for one more gut punch. People think he's a glutton for punishment. I think he is just securing the sympathy ass in the greater Seattle area.

All on purpose.

The Anti-Climactic Rose Ceremony ends with two roses for two men. Until next week's finale!

The Bachelorette Episode 8: You Better Be Vulnerable

Last week, Dugan mentioned he flies all around the Bahamas on private aircrafts playing in off-shore craps games.  

In order to feel adequate, I thought I would break out the whiskey I won at auction.  You read that correctly.  I buy my alcohol at auction.  Who needs Bevmo?  For those keeping track at home, I also have ice cream tonight too.  Let's talk about hometowns.

Fav Garrett in Manteca, CA

Though Fav G lives in Reno, he's from Manteca, CA.  It's about 75 miles from me.  I have never been there, but I always wanted to go there as a kid for one reason.

Again, F. Garrett knocked his ex-wife for taking him away from his family.  Though I don't do any outside research for this show, I'll bet her rebuttal to Gar's slander would be compelling.  Mrs. Gov, can you confirm or deny my theory?

At his family home, Fav's mom promised it would be "no holds bar (sic)."  With all that wine they have on the table, it looks like they won't be holding anything back at the bar.

Fav's mom had a chat with Becca.  Still scarred from Fav's divorce, she's understandably skeptical about this process.  I'm surprised any family member goes along with this process.  I'd have the hardest time not telling a family member that they are insane.



Garrett's family seems your pretty average upper-middle-class family.  Garrett kind of seems like he's the Lennie of the family.

Low IQ, beautiful hairline

The date ended with Fav Garrett still in the front runner position.  

Sr. Banker in Buffalo

Good Ol' Sr. Banker: the guy she should choose, but she won't because he's the "could-get-him-in-real-life" contestant.  

Sr. Banker started off the day with a wing-eating contest.  I love this guy!!!!  (But I guarantee she won't.)  

After the eating contest, Sr. Banker took her to the ice skating rink to show off his hockey skills.  This makes sense of his fashion mullet.

At night, they went to see Sr.'s family, but he warned the audience that he has "guarded and protected" his heart.  Do Fleiss and Co. issue these guys a script?  

Sr. Banker's dad also judges dog shows in his spare time.  

I've taken a sponge bath in smaller bowls than that.

Sr. Banker's brother, Ira Glass, was there with his husband.  First ever married gay couple at a hometown date?  I think so.  I loved how average it was.  No big deal.  Nothing you can do about that Kavanaugh!!!

Nice date Sr. Banker, but you have no chance.  

Like Blake in Bailey, CO

Whoa SNOW.  It looks freezing in Colorado.   

First order of business: taking her to his old high school.  It must have been fun to show off his hall of fame plaque, where he bullied all the other kids, and where he achieved his final educational level.  

I thought it was a curious decision to take her to his high school library (where he never went actually went while in high school).

I'm really going to regret it when I find out this guy is actually in medical school.  Nah, there's no aspiring doctors on this show anymore.  We can't even get a dental student these days.  

Think she got her DDS?

At his parents house, Like Blake's parents put aside their differences/divorce to come together for Fleiss and Co.  Unfortunately, it appears Blake's basketball coach (English teacher?) couldn't make it.  

The date ended.  These two seem really into one another.  

QB5 Colton in Parker, CO

Apparently, the adult virgin QB5 lives in a more temperate part of Colorado.  It's sunny and comfortable (and innocent) in QB5's Colorado.  

QB5 described Becca's "natural, motherly feel" as "something you can't learn."  He's starting to sound more and more like a virgin.  

It seems like she's not looking at this guy in the same way anymore.  It would be like Mrs. Wags telling me she's actually a USC fan.  We could never go back. 

QB5's dad, rocking the large cross necklace and braided rope bracelet, looks like he's going for the cool-youth-minister look.  

QB5 says he's in love, but I don't think his expression of love has gotten him into the top 2.  He's an obvious bronze medalist in this one.  

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, she met with the "people who know her best," five women from last season's Bachelor.  I feel terrible for her actual friends at home in Minnesota.  

Tia, QB5's ex-girlfriend, pulled Becca aside to be "fully honest."  I was hoping she was going to reveal she had relations with him.  Instead, Tia said she still has feelings for QB5.  So maybe these aren't actually Becca's five best friends?

Before the rose ceremony, QB5 pulled Harrison aside to ask him what the rules of the fantasy suite are.  Do you have to have sex?  No, dummy, Fleiss and Co. don't MAKE YOU HAVE SEX.  

Getting roses and heading to the fantasy suites were:

Like Blake

Sr. Banker Jason (WHAT!?)

Fav Garrett

Goodbye QB5.  Thankfully he doesn't have to feel obligated.  

While the fantasy suites always bring some intrigue to the show, I would love to see a spelling bee between these three.  Sr. Banker would clean up.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Who Let The Dogs Out!

We begin in Dugan's backyard at the beautiful Baja Mar in Nassau. Often times, these trips seem so tropical and distant. Not so much with the Bahamas which is closer than Orlando to us South Floridians. Let's get down to it. We have six guys left and next week is the Hometowns episode. There are the clear favorites, QB5 Colton and the aptly named Favorite Garrett. We can safely assume they will be obtaining a rose, so it comes down to two roses for four guys: Like Blake, Sr. Banker, Potter Wills, and Leo the Lion. Out of those four, Becca appears to have the greatest connection with Sr. Banker...but we shall see.

Colton's Virginity Episode.

Colton gets one of the three one-on-ones and begins with a catamaran day cruise where they do the required Titanic move at the front of the boat. Colton was born in 1992. Titanic came out in 1997.

5 yr old Colton

Colton and Becca meet up with Bahamian Conch King Action. On a side note, during Frosh O weekend, my roomate from Long Island told me I pronounced "Conch" wrong and that the ending was the same CH sound as in COUCH. I still laugh about it to this day almost 19 years later. FYI, conch is delicious. I have to give QB5 some credit, because it did not look like a shallow free dive to obtain the conch. 

But we are not here to discuss conch. We are here to discuss virginity. Specifically, adult virginity.

This one stars Colton.

Ok, he prioritized football over relationships...yada yada yada...and is a virgin. The best part? Becca's initial reaction. SHE BAILED. Literally, he opened himself up and discussed a very personal secret and she....

Becca. For reals.

She bailed. Hilarious. Ditching him at this vulnerable time makes me thing she really isn't going to pick him. Is that what you would do to your fiance? You know what Fleiss & Co will do? Keep this fucker until overnights. GUARANTEED. Rose secured. I'll count next week's as well.

Favorite Garrett and a Seaplane

Becca and Fav. Garrett take a seaplane around the Bahamas island hopping. Dugan's favorite plane trip to the Bahamas involved a private plane flight in the morning, a few hours of craps, and a return flight that night. Good times. They like each other. We get it. Dinner.

Fav. Garrett takes another opportunity to trash his ex-wife. She was a yeller. A hot-head. The Garrett doth protest too much, methinks.

Nevertheless, Garrett says he's falling in love and secures a rose.

Like Blake and the Baha Men

Like Blake and Becca begin their date dancing with the Baha Men who were a formative part of Tim and Dugan's college experience. Thanks to a superhero named D. McDermo.

Becca drops the QOTN discussing her feelings about Blake: "I feel like I’m glowing from the inside out.”

How hard were the producers laughing when she uttered those words? Do producers have a pot where they reward the cheesiest lines per episode? The date turned serious at dinner where Like Blake discussed his mother's affair with his basketball coach and English teacher in a small town.

You know how Like Blake cut the tension? The season's firm L BOMB! He gets the rose. But before we move on to the group date, can we discuss Blake's shirt? Like Blake, like, what's going on here? 

Leo the Lion, Potter Wills, and a Sr. Banker

You have to put your money with the Banker out of these final three. Thus, this entire date will be about making the Sr. Banker appear on the verge of default, but everyone knows he's getting the final hometown rose. We'll go to the highlights because it's already two days late:

• Potter Wills parents have a long marriage.
• Sr. Banker gets to his highest rate of return, making out.
• Leo the Lion tries to play a very difficult hand on the Bachelor/ette: honesty. He correctly points out that he is not like the other guys. He admits their relationship is not as far along as the others. He admits he isn’t ready to propose next week. Fleiss & Co do not want honesty! BUT I LOVE IT.

• Leo the Lion goes down swinging. Becca is the lion. 
• Oh no. We may lose our Sr. Banker. Damn you, Fleiss & Co. I knew the curveball was coming and I still couldn't hit it. Just when we think the Sr. Banker is Lehman Brothers, Becca turns into Henry Paulson and bails out Sr. Banker AIG.

The Bachelorette Episode 6: A History Lesson

Do you have a favorite beach?  I do.  It's Makena Beach in Maui.  Here's a recommendation: when you aren't at your favorite beach, just turn on all of the YouTube videos of your favorite beach.  That's what I've been doing for the last 1/2 hour.  I think the same concept applies to Neil Lane.  Do you miss him?  I do.  When you're missing Neil Lane, just watch his commercials on repeat.  These two recommendations can improve your life.  What I am about to write, with the power of whiskey and ice cream, cannot.

Neil loves to body surf (like me).

To the show!  The episode began in Richmond, Virginia.  They had to show it on a map (thanks Fleiss and Co.)  According to Becca, it's "different from Vegas."  It's definitely different because I don't know anyone that's ever been to Richmond.   

Super Eagle Lincoln and Stitches Chris got in an early-episode argument about how much they lift, or something along those lines.  I asked Mrs. Wags for an assist.  "What are they arguing about?"  Mrs Wags replied, "What show is this?"  

Solo Date: Sr. Banker Jason

So this dude has no chance of winning.  He's way too normal.  He's this season's guy-she-could-get-in-real-life.  They never win, but they always make it pretty far.  (Spoiler: Becca actually said later in the date that his friends remind her of people from "home.")

The theme of the date was "wandering around Richmond."  This might be helpful because I don't know anything about Richmond.  

They went to a cemetery where "Edgar Allan Poe's mother is buried."  No offense to Mrs. Poe, but this factoid is not causing me to book my next family trip to Richmond.  

Mrs. Poe kind of looks like Becca

Becca surprised the Sr. Banker by flying out a few of his friends to meet them at a bar.  These guys all appeared to be the Jr. Bankers from his firm.

Good to see you Jason

In the evening portion of the date, they both shared tragic stories about losing immediate family members, but all I could focus on was the two olive dirty martini on the table.  That could be the first time I've ever envied a drink featured on the Bachelorette.  

Sr. Banker got the date rose.  Now that Venmo John is gone, this guy may be my favorite (Leo the Lion is #2).

Group Date: QB5 Colton, Favorite Garrett, Potter Wills, Coach Connor, Like Blake, Super Eagle Lincoln, and Stitches Chris

The guys all showed up to the date in suits for their visit to the capitol building of Virginia to learn about "history."  They encountered Washington and Lincoln impersonators.  The impersonators informed the contestants that they were the 1st and 16th Presidents, respectively.  ....And that wrapped up the entire history lesson.  Armed with that history lesson, I may have been able to get a 5 on my AP US History exam.  

The men had a debate on the capitol steps to make speeches in support of their candidacy for Becca's heart.  In a great surprise appearance, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam asked the guys what they would do in Virginia.  Governor Northam must have regretted his appearance when Stitches started accusing the guys, especially Super Eagle, of being fake and body shaming him for weighing 300 pounds as a kid.  

Can you believe these guys?

Stitches keeps saying he's been real, but how are we supposed to believe a bald denier is being "real?"

Becca, upset from her conversation with Stitches, had to cut short her conversation with Favorite Garrett.  Garrett, angry about this asinine situation, complained that he was "ready to open up tonight."   This show is insane.

Potter Wills said he's falling in love with Becca.  This guy has about as much of a chance to win this show as Daniel Radcliffe would.

QB5 got the rose.  

Solo Date: Leo the Lion (YES YES YES YES!)

When the date card arrived, Sr. Banker was the only other guy in the house.  Of course, Fleiss and Co. have made rules dictating that one guy must read the date card to the other guy(s).  I thoroughly enjoyed Sr. Banker reading the date card to Leo the Lion.  Very romantic and very weird.

Becca started the date telling the Lion she is emotionally drained.  Leo the Lion, with the composure of a stuntman, told Becca that he would be there for her in the "real world."  Fleiss and Co. Rule 34.2(b) violation: no acknowledging that there is a world outside this show.  The real world is helicopters and five carat diamonds.  

The Lion told a story about how he feels like he failed his father because he didn't become a professional baseball player.  That must hurt.  I'm glad it worked out for me that my dad always wanted me to become a part-time Bachelor blogger.  

The Lion got the date rose, and then they went to a concert by Morgan Evans.  As usual, never heard of him.  Bring back Richard Marx.

Rose Ceremony

Prior to the rose ceremony, Stitches Chris went to talk to Becca at her hotel room.  He wanted to let Becca know that Super Eagle Lincoln "eats 12 eggs per day.  His cholesterol must be 6000."   While he forgot to mention the egg intake issue, he tried to tell Becca that he sees himself getting engaged.  Stitches' plan backfired and she sent him packing because he's crazy. She also locked her hotel door room right after he walked out (nice editing by Fleiss and Co.).  Becca delivered the QOTN: "He's not the guy I would want to have children with. . . .he's not the guy I want in my life ever."  

Joining Jr. Banker and the Lion with roses:

Favorite Garrett

Like Blake

Potter Wills 

Goodbye Super Eagle Lincoln and Coach Connor.  

Until next week in the Bahamas.