The Bachelorette Episode 4: Captain Underpants, Lumberjacks and a Jean Blanc Noir farewell

Sorry to disappoint those looking forward to a whiskey and ice cream aided recap, but Dugan is going to pick up episode 4 where 3 left off.

Week 3's rose ceremony highlights

• Becca and Like Blake are having a discussion regarding how many kids they would like to have. While I generally agree this is a good conversation for couples to discuss, I recommend having one or two before claiming you want five or more kids. 

Nope.

• Ken Doll Jordan ("KDJ") is convinced God made Chicken David fall and bust his face for daring to challenge KDJ. KDJ has mental problems.
• Chicken David unveils his new look.

"Really, it's fine" - Becca. Maybe.

• On a night short on memorable quotes, KDJ received a pair of golden underwear and delivered this gem: “All I know is that I’m Captain Underpants and that’s all I got. That’s all I got.”
• Chicken David has the injury sympathy rose along with QB5 Colton and Stitches Chris.
• Who will be joining them?

Senior Banker Jason
Wills
Slick Nick wearing an unexplained track suit.
Globetrotter Christon
Super Eagle Lincoln
Like Blake
Favorite Garrett
Lio the Lion
Venmo John
Coach Connor
KDJ
Jean Blanc Noir

Goodbye to Domer Mike and Banjo Ryan who achieved optimal Bachelor/ette contestant status. They got to survive the ignominy of a first night cut but failed to stay on the show long enough to make really poor alcohol fueled decisions.

Park City One-on-One with Favorite Garrett

Sitting with Mrs. Dugan, I wonder where the drama is going to come from this season because it looks like Favorite Garrett already has this in the bag. Then, Mrs. Dugan informed me of some chinks in the Favorite Garrett armor (see link). What date do you bring up your extreme political views? Speaking of unqualified men, Super Eagle Lincoln is back at the house sharing his flat earth conspiracies. It gets worse. Super Eagle Lincoln recently plead guilty to assault and battery and may have to register as a sex offender. How dare you besmirch the good Nigerian name. You are no Super Eagle! Is there any background check done on these guys?

While Becca is clearly smitten, she found her own concern when discussing past relationships with Garrett. He was married and divorced within two months. This was difficult for Garrett because "no one in my entire bloodline had ever been divorced before.”

Bloodline? Who speaks like that?

Run, Becca, Run!

Lucky 13 and the Lumberjack Date

Everyone not named Garrett and Wills joins Becca in the Utah wilderness including KDJ, Lio the Lion, Coach Connor, Globetrotting Christon, Like Jason, Chicken David, QB5, Jean Blanc Noir, Venmo John and others…

There's a reason Venmo John gets listed last in a Lumberjack competition. Au contraire, friends, Venmo John kicked ass and earned the Golden Axe. Jean Blanc Noir, Stitches Chris and formerly Super Eagle Lincoln failed to show their lumberjack largess.

By the way, axe throwing is a thing now? Dugan will be reserving space soon.

Lumberjack After Party Highlights

• Senior Banker Jason and Becca enjoy kissing one another. Good for those kids.
• QB5 Colton likes dating famous people. 
• KDJ rocks the golden underwear and pisses off the guys. 
• But the night belonged to Jean Blanc Noir

Jean Blanc Noir and the Fragile Male Ego

Jean Blanc realized he was falling behind the other guys.  Jean went to the Jean Blanc Nori well and provided a gift of perfume to Becca. Then he forced a kiss which resulted in this awesome reaction from Becca: “Jean is a lot.” Yes he is. Jean didn't feel the reciprocal love from Becca and went at her again. Becca was not feeling it and shut him down. Jean Blanc spit game. Becca shut him down. It happens. It could have been left at that. But the fragile male ego must be propped up. Jean Blanc retracted his feelings out of a mix of shame/embarrassment/hurt feelings.

Thank you, Becca.

Wills and the Jean Blanc Aftermath Date

Becca is reading too much into Jean Blanc's over-sensitivity and Wills has to navigate this carefully. Luckily, Fleiss & Co. didn't force Wills to get injured to receive a sympathy rose. No, they allowed him to talk about emotional vulnerability to secure the empathy rose. Will's ex wanted a Hall Pass that wasn't given so took it anyway.

Wills categorizes this as a Documentary

One Episode. Two Rose Ceremonies. I feel so lucky.

Joining Fav Garrett and Wills in Vegas will be...

Lio the Lion
QB5 Colton
Like Blake
Senior Banker Jason
Coach Connor
Lincoln
Venmo John
Stitches Chris
Chicken David
Ken Doll Jordan

Goodbye Globetrotting Christon and Slick Nick.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Cheers to you being a Bitch!

Friends, it's a Yoga Monday here in the Sunshine State. While much less fun than Whiskey and Ice Cream Monday, Ken Doll Jordan's quotes alone will get us through the night. We begin the episode in the kitchen where the tension between Ken Doll Jordan and Chicken David simmers. Of note, did you see the amount of eggs Chicken David was making? That had to be a minimum 6 egg omelette.

Group Date #1 and the Manufactured Drama Date

Chris Harrison knows his blogging audience and dropped a “Time is of the Essence” reference when announcing the group of men that will get to pamper Becca and other girls from Ari's season:  Expelliarmus Wills, Senior Banker Jason, Ken Doll Jordan, Chicken David, Jean Noir Blanc, and QB5 Colton.

Colton has to defend his past relationship with Tia. Becca's hangup appears to be that Colton may have wanted Tia to be the Bachelorette. While I genuinely like Becca, I have a hard time with this level of ego. Does Becca believe that every guy on this season only had eyes for Becca? That seems like a longshot and a poor reason to sack QB5.

Confession time. Dugan doesn't know what "Expelliarmus" means and has never been to a spa unless you count 215 Sorin. 

Let's get to the highlights and the start of Ken Doll's Quote Machine Night.

• Becca forgot Senior Banker Jason's name. Imagine if he was only a junior banker. This must happen often. Fleiss and Co. rarely show the Bachelor/ette making such a mistake. It's always gold. 

• Becca knows Ken Doll Jordan would be at ease: “You are in your element” KDJ: “I’m always in my element.” WHAT?!?
• Becca makes up with Jayson by making out with Jayson. Good deal for the senior banker.
• The guys discuss their Tinder profiles and Chicken David shares Ken Doll's match prowess with Becca. No spa. No tinder. Somehow I feel like I am doing just fine.
• KDJ does not approve Chicken David sharing his Tinder prowess with Becca and unloads a barrage of quotes.
• "Hey, cheers to you being a bitch"
• “That’s a bitch move. You’re a bitch.” (But let’s be honest, KDJ said “Your a bitch” in his head.)
• “Attached to me is professionality. Attached to me is my face….If you are trying to wreck my image, you will never succeed. You know why? Because my image is me!”

• Senior Banker sums it up: “THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME”
• QB5 survived the faux drama and gets the rose.

Chris Stitches gets Musical

Stitches begins the date with an interesting wardrobe choice, the jean sweatshirt hoodie combo. Then they bring out a musical act that no one's ever heard of...

That's motherfucking Richard Marx! Do you know what you will find out when you google Richard Marx? He's married to Daisy Fuentes. I always laugh when I hear Daisy Fuentes because she was the first nude celebrity image I saw on the internet. Thank you, early AOL chat rooms.

I'm sorry, but ABC has interrupted the Bachelorette because President Trump and Dennis Rodman are trying to prevent nuclear Armageddon in North Korea. Shut it down, ladies and gentlemen. 

Stitches has a weird hairline? Is he a bald denier? Those cheesy lyrics, messed up hair and jean jacket hoody? Stitches is from Orlando. He could be an ex-boy band member.  Oh man, now I found out that Stitches cheesy lyrics are due to his abandonment issues. Stitches reached out to his dad and never got a response. Ouch. 

Stitches goes to the emotional vulnerability well and secures the rose.

Football Group Date with TE2 Clay, Leo the Lion, Globetrotting Christon, Banjo Ryan, Venmo John, Favorite Garrett, Domer Mike, Super Eagle Lincoln, Coach Connor, and Like Blake

Side note. This may have happened when George Stephonopolous was talking about the end of the world, but Chicken Suit David fell out of his bed and busted his face. Ambulance #1 on the night. 

It's getting late and we need to wrap this nonsense up:

• TE2 Clay has a little Carlos Boozer in his look..
• I am genuinely concerned for Venmo John and Domer Mike in this game of tackle football.
• Surprisingly, Domer Mike grabs the early TD in the back corner of the end zone, ala Dwight Clark (RIP!)
• Favorite Garrett is a baller.
• Christon and TE2 Boozer (the professional athletes) were beasts.
• Clay Boozer gets the sympathy rose for an injury on the last play.

I know earlier I said that I liked Becca, but Mrs. Dugan and I think she needs a new stylist. While I spent this episode hoping to hear Like Blake say "Like" a ton, take a look at some of Becca's clothing choices next week. Until next week when whiskey and ice cream returns.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Tick Tock, Let's Make It Rock

Well Dugan, our six loyal readers demanded the blog return after our Ari hiatus, and we gave the people what they wanted.  I, for one, was thrilled to read your recap last week.  This week, I'm thrilled to return to my traditional Bachelorette whiskey and ice cream.  I haven't had any whiskey or ice cream since we blogged Rachel's season (at least I haven't written about whiskey and ice cream since then).  Let's start the show and the junk food.

Thanks Costco. (I never said I drink fancy whiskey.)

Harrison started off the episode by admitting he didn't recognize one of the guys.  Of course, it was the guy in the chicken suit.  Harrison, I've missed you the most.  

Group Date #1: Clay, Slick Nick, Chris Gets Stitches, Chicken Suit David, Jean Blanc Noir, Ken Doll Jordan, Coach Connor, and Super Eagle Lincoln

While arriving at a ranch, the Ken Doll Jordan reminded us he's a male model.  "It defines me."  May I never have a job that defines.  May this Bachelor/ette blog always define me. 

The wardrobe for the men appears to have been provided by Banana Republic.  

All grays.

If the men didn't all look the same (gray clothing and 'roids), the guys had to all wear tuxedos.

Former Bachelorette Rachel and her fiancé Bryan NipTuck (still in love...see...this is the search for true love), explained an obstacle course for the guys while wearing tuxes.  

NFL Clay had no problem with the ice bath portion of the course.  Super Eagle Lincoln was in the lead for most of the course, which caused me to google what his Dugan-granted nickname meant.  WELL DONE DUGAN.  

Super Eagle won the race and got a picture with Becca (I had to note this fact because the previews have foreshadowed the importance of this photo at least three times in the first 20 minutes of the show . . . let's just say there isn't much subtlety on this show.)

Confession: I had to ask Mrs. Wags how to spell "subtlety" and I'm still not sure I spelled it correctly. Was this word the final word in the spelling bee today?  It should have been.

Super Eagle Lincoln got the aforementioned framed photo and a kiss from Becca.  He described kissing Becca like, "flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns and pooping out a pot of gold."  Mrs. Wags said she heard the pooping part of the quote.  I was too busy trying to remember what a pegasus is to go back and double check for accuracy. 

Chicken Suit David said Becca will challenge him intellectually.  You're on the wrong show buddy.

Coach Connor, frustrated with having to look at the framed photo of Super Eagle and Becca, tossed the photo in the romantically-lit pool.  Super Eagle was very pouty because he wanted to "show the picture to his mom."  Becca mediated the situation between the two juveniles, taking Super Eagle's side.  

Jean Blanc Noir Cool Water got a kiss and a the date rose.  That smells nice!!!

1-on-1 Date: Like Blake

This was Becca's first ride in a limo since she "got engaged."  She also keeps referring to Ari as her "ex-boyfriend."  I have to hand it to her, she is really good at pretending this show is real.

Harrison handed sledge hammers to Becca and Like Blake so they could destroy televisions showing videos of Ari's proposal, champagne bottles, a car, a couch, and candy hearts.  All of this while Lil John turned down for what and DJed the event.  Becca literally destroyed her past.  Again, the Bachelorette doesn't specialize in subtlety (thanks for the assist, autocorrect....I still can't spell it).  

Like Blake keeps saying "like."  I'm about ready to fast forward through this dum dum's date.  "Like she's an amazing woman."  

Sadly, Like Blake like got a rose.  Becca even said, "like, will you accept this rose?"  It's like contagious.  

Group Date #2: Favorite Garrett, Venmo John, Rickie, Banjo Ryan, Alex, Globetrotter Chris, Trent, Leo the Lion, Wills, and QB5 Colton

Leo Leo Leo!  Can every date include this guy please?  

The date started with a dodgeball training session led by some little child actors.   They fired dodgeballs from a pitching machine.  

In their practice session, Globetrotter Chris nailed Becca with practice balls a couple times.  Just like the way we used to play bookstore basketball games in college: don't take it easy on female competition.  (Semi-related sidetone: Dugan and I co-coached the Pasquerilla West Women's Intramural basketball team.  We were great.  Dugan was on the refs like Draymond, and I was calm and often injured like Steve Kerr.)

Leo the Lion provided my QOTN: "What these guys don't understand is that winning doesn't come from bicep curls or tricep extensions, it comes from your heart."  Almost brought I tear to my eye.  Mrs. Wags thinks the Lion might have appropriated this quote from Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights.  

As I was busy looking up Harry Potter spell names to find a good nickname for Wills/willis/will/whatever, QB5 Colton admitted to having a relationship with Tia from Ari's season of the Bachelor.  Since we didn't watch last season, this doesn't affect me.  Becca, on the other hand, seemed deeply hurt by his admission.

Becca fought through tears to give Expelliarmus Wills the date rose.

Rose Ceremony 

Ken Doll Jordan, wearing only boxer briefs, told Becca he didn't want her to think of him as being "007 all the time."  Ken Doll, continuing his tryout for Bachelor in Paradise, said he's not just "some guy with hair."

Later, the Chicken Suit David said Ken Doll was being disrespectful by wearing boxer briefs to a cocktail party.  Oh, the irony from the chicken suit guy.

Joining Jean Blanc Noir, Like Blake, and Expelliarmus Wills with roses:

Chris Gets Stitches
Jason He's a Senior Banker
Venmo John (I think I rode BART with this guy today...oh wait, every guy is Venmo John in the Bay.)
TE2 Clay
Man Bun Mike
Coach Connor
Leo the Lion 
Chicken Suit David
Favorite Garrett
Slick Nick
Banjo Ryan
Globetrotter Chris
Ken Doll Jordan
Super Eagle Lincoln
QB5 Colton

Goodbye Rickie, Alex, and Trent.  We never even had enough time to give you guys nicknames.

Until next week, when Dugan returns to blog the bloodbath. 

The Bachelorette Episode 1: Let's Do the Damn Thing

Guess who's back, back again
Wags and Dugan are back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back?

Well, those lyrics got a little repetitive but that works for the Bachelor/ette. After taking a break during Arie's season, we've decided to jump back in with Becca's search for love. Bachelorette favorites, JoJo, Rachel and Kaitlyn, came back and gave Becca advice about her new role as the rose bestower. America last saw Becca when Arie pulled a Mesnickesque switcharoo and left her heartbroken. Fleiss & co. have rounded up the following men to change her mood:

• Clay - a biracial ex-football player who's bio really plays up the bi-racial: “Clay loves hip-hop and country music.” We get it.
• Garrett - Reno outdoorsmen
• Jordan, aka Ken Doll, is a Crystal River, Florida model. Crystal River would make South Bend, Indiana look like Paris so I don't know what Ken Doll is modeling there.
• Super Eagle Lincoln is a Nigerian in LA.

Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette
Oh, He's an alien, He's a legal alien
He's a Nigerian on the Bachelorette

You come for the Eminem gifs, but stay for the obscure Sting references...

• Chicago Grocer Joe could be a fan favorite and go far.
• Jean Blanc, aka Jean Noir, is a Haitian into ties, watches, colognes and gives an initial frontrunner for Quote of the Night (hereinafter "QOTN"): "Cologne is an extension of your soul."
• Colton, aka QB5, is a former NFL journeyman who may be a virgin and has turned his life focus into a charity for Cystic Fibrosis
• Grant is an electrician which is an odd job compared to the usual group of trainers and salesmen
• Connor is a fitness coach from Florida. Now that's a Bachelor/ette career.
• John, aka Venmo John, is a software engineer from San Fran who developed the App for Venmo.
• Leo, aka Leo the Lion, is a never bald stuntman. 
• Rickey is an IT Consultant.
• Alex is a Construction Manager.
• Nick is battling Ken Doll for least likable. He's also an attorney from Florida. 
• Mike is a sports analyst.  
• Garrett pulled up in a minivan and is medical sales rep and early frontrunner.
• Blake is a sales rep who wore a terrible mauve jacket. 
• Chase, aka CSI Miami because he looks like every villain on CSI Miami ever, gets busted for not being there for the right reasons on night 1!!! That's incredible. 
• Darius is a Drug Sales Rep
• Ryan is a Banjoist
• Christon, aka Globetrotter, dunked on Becca by jumping over her. I could not do that.
• Willis admits he's a closet nerd and has the Harry Potter tattoos to prove it.
• Jason is a senior corporate banker from Seattle. Not to be confused with the junior corporate bankers from Seattle.
• Kamil came out of the limo and his title said "Social Media..." I assumed "Social Media Influencer" because sadly, that's a thing, and I was also watching Wags' Warriors make their 4th straight trip to the finals. I root for an NBA team that recently made 4 straight finals. It was fun. I miss that time.
• Jake, aka Hometown Honey, is a marketing consultant from Minnesota.
• Trent is a realtor from Naples who showed up in a hearse.
• Christian is a San Diego Banker
• David  is a venture capitalist in a chicken suit.
• Chris, aka Choir Chris or Chris the Snitch, is a sales trainer from Orlando who brought a Choir.

The men (?) inside explain what they like about Becca: She's the "ultimate ultimate girl next door." They had me at the second ultimate.

Becca joins the party and here are my highlights:

• Conner pulls the tried and true Bachelorette move with the quick pull of Bachelorette Becca to the chagrin of the room. He then shows off his party trick with the sword to the Champagne. I have so many questions. Do people really do that? Did he bring his own sword? How many bottles do you break practicing the trick? How many times do you take a sword to the bottle in private before making taking this trick public? Will Dugan ever attempt this? Will it be at a tailgate?
• Venmo casually lets it slip that he developed the Venmo app. 
• Globetrotter Christon dunked on Becca. Shouldn't he have dunked on another guy instead? 
• Ken Doll had no patience for the chicken: “you almost got feathers in my coffee!”
• Garrett is trying to make this midwest (is Minnesota midwest?) girl feel at her feel at home with some fly fishing practice. 
• Choir Chris pulled an episode 5 move during the premiere. Choir Chris knows CSI Miami's ex and has already found out CSI Miami is not here for the right reasons. DAYUM that was fast!
• Becca has bigger fish to fry than the Florida Tweedledee and Tweedledum bros.
• Becca narrows her focus to Hometown Honey Jake who doesn't have the best memory of meeting Becca multiple times. No worries because Jake's exit brought out the QOTN! “Ask anyone that knows me. I’m one of the most romantic fucking people you ever met.”

Rose Time
Garrett gets the first impression rose and joining him in safety include:

Super Eagle Lincoln

Blake

Rickie
Jean Noir

Globetrotter Christon

Clay

Willis

Coach Connor

Jason (he's a senior banker!)

Venmo John

Banjo Ryan

Alex

Slick Nick

Trent

Colton

Leo the Lion was not impressed with his buttoned up competition: “[i'm] looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers…” GET ME LEO ON THIS SHOW.

Chicken Suit David

Ken Doll Jordan

Leo the Lion, YES!

Man Bun Mike (Notre Dame alum)

Good luck, Mike.

And finally, Chris the Snitch.

Goodbye to the following men who are better off for leaving when they did.

Kamil, the social media...participant. What? Aren't we all?!?!

Electrician Grant. 
Grocer Joe 
CSI Miami Chase.

The season is set. We have our villain. We have our good guys. We have a likable Bachelorette. 

I'm the villain if you didn't guess.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Dallas First, Fantasy Later

In this penultimate* blog post and my last post of the season, I am going big: Old Potrero Straight Rye and mint chip ice cream.  I also wanted to take a moment to compliment Fleiss & Co. on a successful season.  The characters on the show this season did not fit into simple stereotypes.  They have an African-American bachelorette that likes white men.  They had an African-American contestant (Will) that doesn't like African-American women.  And there was an African-American contestant (Eric No Ties) that has never even had a girlfriend of any race.

*Confession, I had to look up "penultimate" to make sure I was using it correctly.  Like the word "condone," I can never quite remember what it means off the top of my head.

Enough compliments for Fleiss & Co., it's time to go to Spain and accept Mr. Harrison's date card offer...

But before the big trip, the guys went to Dallas to face Rachel's family.  Will we get to meet her dad, the famous, mysterious judge?  All judges around the country are anxiously watching to find out.

Peter Badger got to meet Rachel's family first.  Before going into Rachel's parents' Dallas mansion with GIANT doors, Badger said he was falling in love with her.  She replied, "I'm falling in love with you too."  Whoa.  We Bachelor historians call this a "BHigg."  Past Bachelor Ben Higgins told two women he was in love.

Justice Kagan was especially sad to learn that Judge Rachel's Dad could not be there to meet any of the men.  I love that he continues to refuse to be on the show.  Thankfully, Rachel's sister Constance is willing show up.  It's good to have her back.  She's one of the best Bachelor siblings, even if she is married to this guy:

Peter Badger, still nervous about committing to Rachel, did not ask for Mrs. Lindsay's permission to marry her.  She tried to spin this as a good thing, but I'm not convinced.  He seems like he is going to crumble as the show continues.  

Eric No Ties got the next opportunity with the Lindsays.  Unfortunately for No Ties, I think his biggest obstacle to winning Rachel's heart is that his fashion-beard is the patchiest of the three remaining men.  Mr. Harrison requires cool beards if you want to be in the finale.  

This is how we do it.  

No Ties met Rachel's family.  They don't like him.  They don't think Rachel likes him.  It's too bad because he's easily my favorite.  Eric has made a strong push here in the end.

Eric asked Mrs. Lindsay for permission to marry Rachel.  Mrs. Lindsay said he had her blessing assuming Rachel was into him.  A very indirect yes at best.  

Bryan NipTuck was our final Dallas family introduction, but he was the first guy that got to meet Rachel's friends.  This is further proof that NipTuck is going to win it all.  

NipTuck got his "doctorate" at the University of Florida.  This is a double whammy.  First, chiropractors are not doctors.  Second, Gators are not welcome on this blog.  Right, Dugan?

At the Lindsay house, NipTuck is this season's no-one-talks-like-that-in-real-life guy.  I'll bet Tim Tebow is like this too.  Rachel's sister could sense NipTuck's BS style.

Marry my sister?

NipTuck described their relationship as an "expedited situation."  The more he talks, the weirder he gets.  

Mrs. Lindsay was also not so sure about NipTuck.

Marry my daughter?

NipTuck asked permission to marry Rachel.  Again, an indirect yes from Mrs. Lindsay.  Fleiss & Co. planted a seed doubt with NipTuck, but we can't be fooled.  He will win.

Finally, we're off to Spain.  There are only 45 minutes of the show left.  Maybe this is not the penultimate episode.  It could be the antepenultimate episode (I definitely had to look that one up).  

Eric No Ties got the first fantasy date.  Mr. Harrison, MIA on this episode, arranged for a helicopter.  Eric declared, "Big Rach.  Big E.  It's our time again."  

Wait, was Biggie rapping about the Bachelor?

The date started in the La Rioja region of Spain.  Then, they were near the ocean.  I did a quick google maps search to determine that the La Rioja region of Spain is landlocked.  Mrs. Wags refocused my attention to the TV, noting "If you spend all your time fact checking, you're going to miss them falling in love."  Mrs. Wags definitely believes in true love.

After reading the date card, No Ties delivered the QOTN.  Speaking about Mr. Harrison, No Ties said, "That guy...is awesome."

Peter Badger  was up next.  They went to a winery.  Raquel y Pedro received a wine cellar in Spain as a gift.  They each got a key.  Prediction: they are never going back there.  Mrs. Wags and I studied abroad in Madrid.  Since our time there, we have been to many other European countries, but never back to Spain.  It's a good thing we do not have a wine fridge waiting for us back in Madrid.  

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel said she's not in this to have a boyfriend.  Badger, on the other hand, believes that he only wants to be engaged in order to set a wedding date and start picking cake flavors.  And he said he's not ready to be Badger-style engaged with Rachel just yet.

Rachel thinks it may not work out...and....TO BE CONTINUED.  Please let there be more than 45 seconds of Neil Lane.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Hometowns!

This is the true story of five strangers, picked to live in a house, work together towards love and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite... and start getting real.

And you thought 90210 Dean was our last early 90s reference of the season! It's not even the last in this week's recap (see below)! This is my favorite episode of the season because it actually featured real emotions and actual conflict. The show is heavily scripted and very rarely do we get honesty, but this episode brought it on each and every hometown date. Let's get to the dates...

Baltimore with Eric

Screw Babe Ruth, Baltimore's Greatest Ballplayer

I get it. Most of you think about The Wire when you see the mean streets of Baltimore. I think about Eddie Murray. You take the Wire. I'll take Eddie Murray. We'll see who gets more Baltimore street cred.

Eric brings Rachel to a neighborhood court to shoot hoops. Note the rope nets. For something to be sufficiently hood, they need chain nets or no nets. This court is bougie. Luckily, a friend comes by to hammer home the Horatio Alger backstory. Did you know the Horatio Alger Myth was popularized by his book Ragged Dick?

Nevertheless, Eric chose school and basketball over drugs and crime. We get to meat Eric's dad and a BUNCH of women! An aunt brings up an honest question about race that Rachel handles with aplomb. Rachel knows she’s going to upset people no matter what so she might as well pick the one she likes best. Seems genuine.

We see a glimpse of Eric's issues with both parents. Eric’s mom basically said she needed him to be more independent than the rest of the men in their family and her distance was strategic. Eric's dad was more vague about his distance but regret was in the air.

From the toast to the goodbye, Eric felt very comfortable with Rachel and I kept thinking: where has this Eric been all season? I missed one episode? What the hell happened last week to transform Eric?

Nip Tuck in Miami

Not Really

I have to give Nip Tuck some credit because he brought Rachel to Domino Park on Calle Ocho, a more authentic version of Miami than touristy Miami Beach. Dugan lived very close during law school. The producers built the tension starting last week. Mrs. Nip Tuck was going to be cast as the overbearing Latin Mother.

She gave a toast to Nip Tuck: “the most precious thing I have in my life…” and burst into TEARS. However, she never lived up to the Monster-in-Law billing. In discussion with her son, she reasonably shared skepticism about the process of finding a wife so quickly and on TV. When talking with Rachel, she wanted her to know how important family was, and most important, Nip Tuck's happiness: “If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.”

Despite that quote, mom was sweet and Nip Tucks's favorite status is secure.

Badger welcomes a Warrior to Madison

We get to the second straight city where Tim and I have spent time together: Madison, Wisconsin. This show is made for us. Badger welcomes Rachel "home" to Wisconsin? Huh? And then you remember that Rachel is also a Wisconsin barred attorney. But, she's a Texan? Her father is a federal judge in Texas. 

Hmmm?

And then Dugan remembers that you don't have to take the Wisconsin Bar if you go to a Wisconsin law school...Rachel is a Marquette Warrior! She even interned with the Bucks.

We walk around a Farmer's Market and eventually meet the Badger's friends! Badger told Rachel that he has 10 main friends, 8 of which are black. That is really hard to do in Wisconsin! It's nearly a statistical impossibility to do so in Cottage Grove, Wisconsin with a black population of 2.5%. There is a story here that needs explaining. 

Rachel is concerned about Badger's pace. He doesn't understand that we are getting to the end which means a proposal and soon. Rachel is blunt: “I don’t want a boyfriend from all this.”

We Get Real with 90210

We get some incredible ups and downs in this Aspen, Colorado hometown. It was hard to find a more stark contrast to Eric's Baltimore basketball court than 90210's ATVs and Champagne. We soon fall from the clouds and realize 90210s life has enough drama for a Lifetime movie. At 15, he tragically lost his mother. His family broke apart in the aftermath, his father converted to the Sikh religion, and he changed his name to “Paramroop Singh Khalsa.” 90210 sadly brings the QOTN: “It means divinely beautiful and it’s a self given name….and also speaks a little bit about his character.” Pops also has a new wife, Satantar.

Walking up to the house, 90210 continues, “I am legitimately terrified. I’m not nervous. I’m terrified.” Remember folks, he’s going home! I keep thinking that this episode will do more damage to the pro-marijuana movement than Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III ever could hope to achieve.

We get the 90210/Paramroop discussion that's 11 years overdue. Paramroop rationalized that 90210 turned out great so he must have been a pretty good father. Not the strongest argument but it may have some merit. 90210 protests that his father was not present after his mother's death, that there was no moment of familial solidarity in the wake of the loss of their mother. 90210 actually complained that Paramroop was not "maternal". Paramroop admitted he made mistakes, but did the best he could to support the family. He wasn't a mom. He didn't how to be a mom. He had just lost his wife of 27 years. It was honest. It was hard to watch. It was the realest this show has been in years.

Full Disclosure: I'm all in on Paramroop. I'm down with the gong. My brother has a gong on his porch and I love it. Paramroop is a yoga teacher and I was late to this episode due to yoga class. What are the chances I end up like Paramroop? I say 4%?

Hometown Regroup with Harrison

Eric – new energy but concern that he's never been in love.
Nip Tuck – favorite stays the favorite. Only guy to say "love".
Badger – Holding back could be his demise.
90210 – Most surprising. From model to marriage?

For someone, the early 90s are about to hit home.



Nip Tuck is safe.
Eric is safe.
Badger v. 90210?

I'm sorry Kelly, Steve, David, Donna, Brandon, Dylan, Andrea and Brenda. Until next week when Tim returns with Rachel's family!

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Almost Home

After doing some brewery visits yesterday, I am not in the mood for whiskey.  Tonight will be ice cream only.  My inability to recover quickly from more than two beers makes me realize I'm not as young as I used to be.  Come to think of it, I don't recover very well from a large burrito, lifting weights, more than 20 minutes in the sun, or four hours of the Bachelorette in one week.  So let's start the show...a simple two hours of the Bachelorette powered by mint chip.

One more and I'm in trouble

The crew headed to beautiful Geneva, Switzerland.  I was trying to think of a Geneva Conventions joke, but it's very difficult to make up something about humanitarian treatment of non-combatants in a time of war.

This is the last week before hometowns.  As though we just started watching this show this season, every guy reminds us how important it is to get a one on one date.  

Solo Date #1: Nip Tuck Bryan

Nip Tuck, front runner from the first episode, got another solo date.  He's running away with this contest and can only lose if he has a secret (divorce, current girlfriend, strange friends on his hometown, makeout with a member of the production staff).

The date started with a drive in a Bentley.  Who cares?  Not me.  There's only one car that would get me feeling romantic.

Mrs. Wags said we could get one!!!

Nip Tuck seems like a major favorite, and the other guys know it.  

As predicted above, Nip Tuck's last girlfriend broke up with him because she didn't like his mom.  GET READY FOR NEXT WEEK!

We named our dog after this all-time crappy mom

Nip Tuck got a rose.

Solo Date #2: 90210 Dean

90210 was nervous because if he gets a rose, he brings her home to his family, and he doesn't get along with his family.  

90210's date started out with a trip to Catholic Mass.  If he's lucky, they will get donuts afterward.  And they DID!  Catholics everywhere love donuts!

Rachel told 90210 that she wants to learn more about his life and who he is.  90210 replied, "Do you believe in the tooth fairy?" and "What's your favorite dinosaur?"  He's almost trying not to get a rose. Also, my answers to his questions are "no" and "stegosaurus."

At dinner, Rachel confronted 90210 for being off all day.  Finally, 90210 came out and explained, "my family is not the kind of family you're going to want to see."  9-0 said his dad has become "quite a bit more eccentric."  Please give 9-0 a rose.  I really want to see what this guy is all about.  Annnnnd...yes he got a rose.  We now get Nip Tuck's mom and 9-0's dad.

See you next week!

Solo Date #3: Peter Badger

Badger and Rachel started the date with a jumping hug.  She might be the first African-American Bachelor/ette, but she's the 175th contestant to do jumping hugs.  

They took a helicopter and went dogsledding on "Glacier 3000."  

You say it's puppy love, I say it's full grown.

In the evening portion of the date, they had dinner in a well-lit palace at a tiny table.  Peter told some weird story about breaking up with his ex-girlfriend and he got all weepy about it.  Rachel, solid as a rock, thought it seemed a little off.  She's great at reading situations that are a little off in the moment they are happening.

Peter Badger got a rose.

Group Date: Eric No Ties, Happy Feet Matt, Adummy

Mrs. Wags drops the QOTN:  "These guys are all a waste of time...because they are all unattractive." 

Mrs. Wags follows up her QOTN with another gem: "They look like the guys who are the 'normal guys' in Cosmo magazine that answer dumb questions about what they look for in a lady: 'I love it when my girlfriend cooks me dinner.'"  

Adummy started off the date by asserting that his relationship with her is stronger than anyone else's in the house.  That's some irrational confidence.

They all took a boat ride to France.  Eric No Ties got some alone time and made some solid speeches to Rachel about how brave she is.  He announced that he's "not afraid anymore."

In his alone time, Happy Feet Matt got sent home.  Strangely, she walked him out and said goodbye with a few kisses on the lips.  That's an odd way to break up with someone.  I'm sad to see him go from a receding hairline perspective.  It's tough for me personally when a fellow member of the bald community gets his heart broken.  

The battle for 4th place ended with a rose for Eric No Ties.  Adummy is headed home.  

Looks like some pretty wild hometown dates next week!