The Bachelorette Episode 2: Dirty Dogs

In preparation for this Bachelorette season, I won a bottle of whiskey at an auction.  Dugan and I are lawyers...that's how we roll...or at least that's how Dugan could possibly roll.  Actually, come to think of it, I probably shouldn't be rolling at any auctions at all.  And neither should Dugan.  We have mouths to feed and mortgages to pay and flowers to buy our wives.  If we've learned anything from blogging for nearly a decade, it's that flowers are appreciated.  In my case, ice cream is appreciated too, especially on Monday nights.

On to the show...

This is going to be challenging.  I only remember the guys with good nicknames.  

Harrison explained the rules of how one-on-one dates and group dates work.  In case you just arrived from a 15 year stay on the International Space Station, you probably already know how this show works.  

Group Date #1: Dean, Jackstone, Johnathan Elmo, Sex Pistol Blake, IggyNotDiggy, Kenny, Bad Kid Fred, and Lucas Whaboom

The date started off with a touch football game.  I didn't think Rachel would be ready for gametime in a short dress, but she promptly started running the hurry-up offense.  Notre Dame might need her at QB.  

The date shifted to Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis introducing the next competition. Mrs. Wags was folding laundry and half paying attention.  Mrs. Wags asked which former Bachelor couple they were.  I had to inform her that she was looking at one of the most famous whiskey makers in all of the world.  

The guys had to compete in tasks such as changing a baby, pulling hair out of a drain, and vacuuming.  Dean had never held a baby before.  Seems like husband material.  

Strangely, when they had to change a fake diaper, ABC blurred out the fake poopy diaper.  Mrs. Wags  is convinced it must real poop.  

Kutcher theorized that none of these guys will win.  Since Whaboom won the contest, Kutcher is probably onto something.  (Also, Kutcher pitted his t-shirt.  This made me like him just a little more.)

The evening portion of the date, Sex Pistol revealed that he knows Whaboom from a "previous encounter."  Maybe something on Craigslist?  Sex Pistol might be more annoying than Whaboom.  And that's saying something to be worse than a producer-pick.  

Sex Pistol, an "aspiring drummer," dropped the first not-there-for-the-right-reasons to Rachel regarding Whaboom.  This was probably the earliest wrong-reasons backstab in Bachelor history.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Dean has 90210 hair and looks like Brandon Walsh.  "90210 Dean." 

Nice call, Mrs. Wags

Quote of the night from Kenny: "I'm a pro wrestler.  I know all about white dudes acting crazy."   

90210 Dean took the rose.  I asked Mrs. Wags if there were any African-American women on 90210. It turns out Dean's doppleganger once dated an African-American woman.  

One of these actors went on to have a big career.

One-on-One #1: Peter Badger

The date started off with an extra guest; Rachel's gimpy dog.  They flew to Palm Springs to go to Bark Fest, a dog-friendly pool party sponsored by Bark Box.  So far, this might be the worst date in Bachelor history.  

The date did not get much better in the evening portion.  Badger and Rachel compared reasons for why they have gap-teeth. After nearly a decade of wearing braces, this conversation is thankfully meaningless to me.  

Badger got the date rose.  Rachel seems pretty into him. 

Group Date #2: Will Urkel, American Psycho Jamey, TeachmehowtoDiggie, Alex, Adamummy, Robert E. Lee, Happy Feet Matt, Eric, Mike Satz Josiah, DeMario

The date started at a basketball court.  Based on Rachel's shooting, I'm guessing she played high school basketball.  Fun fact: Dugan and I co-coached a women's intramural basketball team in college.  Dugan worked the refs pretty hard.  

Kareem showed up to help out.  Robert E. Lee said Kareem is "the guy of basketball."  Based on that statement and the way he played, it's pretty clear that he knows nothing about basketball.

We all know there's only one answer for who the "guy of basketball" is:

DeMario was easily the best basketball player of the group.  He can drop-step dunk.  We could have used him on our women's intramural team.

During a basketball game between the guys, a woman approached Rachel and said she's DeMario's girlfriend.  DeMario pretended that he didn't know who she was.  Ex-girlfriend then swore on her father's grave and her kitten's life that he never broke up with her.  Surprisingly, the girl wearing a scrunchy on her wrist was telling the truth.  DeMario got the boot.

In the evening portion of the date, the mood was somber.  Alex sang to her in Russian.  Trainer Eric made out with Rachel.  I'm still undecided on which one was harder to watch.

Mike Satz Josiah got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Demario tried to crash the rose ceremony.  The security guard had to go speak to "Mr. Harrison."  YESSS.  Easily my favorite moment of the episode.

Mr. Harrison asked Rachel if she wanted to see DeMario.  Rachel decided to go talk to him because she was "curious" about what he had to say (also known as Fleiss and Co. made her do it).

Predictably, TO BE CONTINUED...

The Bachelorette Episode 1: Rachel's Reboot

Every one's favorite Texas lawyer this side of Joe Jamail (and whoever had a Joe Jamail reference in the opening paragraph, please report to Paddy Power for your long shot winnings) is back and so are Fleiss & Co! It's an exciting time to be a Bachelor/ette fan as we can actually root for the Bachelor/ette in earnest. Although, when you saw her gaggle of girls she welcomed back for a pep talk (think Trainwreck meets Bridesmaids), you did begin to wonder if she was taking this serious.

Jamail's first appearance in a Bachelor Blog

You know Rachel. I know Rachel. Everyone likes Rachel. This episode is not actually about Rachel. It's about the many men she meets. Without further ado...

Adam, aka Adummy, 27, Real Estate Agent from Dallas

• Bio Note: What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday. UGH.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor from Detroit

• Bio Note: What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic. YIKES. RUN.

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager from Chicago

• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. NOT BAD.

Blake E., aka Sex Pistol, 31, aspiring drummer from Marina del Ray

• Bio Note: Occupation: Aspiring Drummer. "Aspiring" should not be in your occupation title.
• Bio Note 2: What's the closest you have ever come to being married? I was engaged for 48 hours. THERE ARE FLAGS ALL OVER THE FIELD.

Blake K., 29, Marine Veteran from San Francisco

• Bio Note: Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran. Veteran? Retired? He’s 29? 
• Bio Note 2: Do you have to qualify that you are in the Marines of the United States as opposed to a different Marines? 

Brady, aka Zoolander or Thor, 29, Male Model from Miami

• Bio Note: Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English. YOU LIVE IN MIAMI, BRO.

Bryan, aka Nip Tuck, 37, a Chiropractor from Miami

• Bio Note: What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart. THREE, genius.

Bryce, 30, a Firefighter from Orlando

Dean, 26, a Startup Recruiter from Venice

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Mom's initials on chest, artwork on back, friend's initials on back, "Righteous" on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm. LIP TATTOO. RUN!
• Bio Note 2: What is your favorite memory from childhood? When I was very young, my family lived in a mobile home. I remember sitting on top with my brothers watching a demolition derby and eating Oreos. WHAT? His mobile home park hosted demolition derbies? I am so confused right now.
• Bio Note 3: What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment. How romantic.

DeMario, 30, an Executive Recruiter from Century City, CA

• Bio Note: Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits. THIS CANNOT BE HIS HONEST ANSWER.

Diggy, aka TeachMeHowToDiggie, 31, a Senior Inventory Analyst (aka works in receiving) from Chicago

Eric, 29, a Personal Trainer from LA

Fred, aka Bad Kid Fred, 27, an Executive Assistant from Dallas

• Bio Note: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people's days are brightened when they are around her. A STRAIGHT MAN ANSWERED THIS?

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician from New York

• Bio Note: What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? ;) SERIOUSLY, with the winking and all.

Iggy, aka IggyNotDiggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney from Dallas

Jamey, ak American Psycho, 32, Sales Account Executive from Santa Monica

• Bio Note: Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Jedidiah, aka Masters, 35, an ER Physician from Augusta, GA

• Bio Note:  Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf. WHAT?

Jonathan, aka Elmo, 31, Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL. Not. A. Job.

Josiah, aka Mike Satz (***see notes below***), 28, Prosecuting Attorney from Fort Lauderdale

Kenny, 35, a Professional Wrestler from Las Vegas

Kyle, 26, a Marketing Consultant from LA

Lee, aka Robert E. Lee, 30, a Singer/Songwriter from Nashville

Lucas, aka WHABOOM!, 30, a Whaboom from Woodside, California. NOT. A. JOB.

• Bio Note: What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit! FREAK.

Matt, aka Happy Feet 32, a Construction Sales Rep from Meridian, CN

Michael, aka MJ, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player from Chicago. FORMER at 26? And now?

Milton, aka Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty, 31, a Hotel Recreation Supervisor from North Bay Village, FL

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Yes, inside my bottom lip. LIP TAT. RUN!

Mohit, aka Bollywood, 26, a Product Manager from San Francisco or Pacifica?

Peter, aka Badger, 31, a Business Owner from Madison, WI

Rob, aka Law Student Rob, 30, a Law Student from Houston

Will, aka Urkel, 28, a Sales Manager from Miami

Let's get some general comments on the guys from tonight's premiere:

• Blake earned his Sex Pistol nickname due to frequently bringing up sex along with his drumming aspirations. 
• Diggy has 575 pairs of shoes? What?
• ***Josiah, aka Mike Satz*** is a prosecutor from Dugan's hometown of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  When you think of Fort Lauderdale and Broward County and Prosecutor, only one name comes to mind. Mike Satz. He's been the elected prosecutor since 4 years before I was born. I'm not young.
• Bad Kid Fred went to grade school with Rachel (cute!) and she was his counselor (creepy!)
• Adummy brought along a terrifying dummy.
• Nip Tuck loves speaking Spanish and is older than your blog authors.
• Whaboom! is annoying and not here for the right reasons.
• Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty keeps purring in Rachel's ear. 
• Rachel is already in the running for the best Bachelor/ette in years? Ever?

Dugan's Quote of the Night

Whaboom: “I feel like everyone has a little Whaboom in them”

Sex Pistol: “I have no Whaboom in me”

First Impression Rose

Nip Tuck brings the First Impresson Rose back to Sunny South Florida where Mike Satz will seek a replevin action to get what he believes was rightfully his.

Rose Ceremony Time

Badger

Will (Urkel)

Jack Stone

Jamey (America Psycho)

IggyNotDiggy

Eric

DeMario

Elmo (Jonathan)

Bryce

Alex

Kenny

Dean

Penguin

Anthony

Thor (hammer) or Zoolander (male model)

Mike Satz

Robert E. Lee

Teach me how to Diggy

Bad Kid Fred

Adummy

Sex Pistol

Whaboom!

Who are we losing?

Law School Rob

Kyle

Blake the vet

Jedidiah (Masters)

NY Doctor

Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty (Milton)

The Bachelor Finale: The Finn Finale

Hey friends, we are going to end Hans’ season in Finland with a little ice skating, Santa Claus and Neil fucking Lane!

Nick's Family

Hey, it’s Nick’s family on national tv again. Remember this is their third appearance on the Fleiss franchise. While the shoe is on the other foot this season, the family is still concerned about the Hans’ heartbreak.

That’s So Raven

Look, we all know that Raven’s the underdog and Fleiss & Co are going to inject enough drama into the finale as possible. We begin with the Raven-Bella connection. I assume that Raven is much closer to Bella’s age than Hans, but don’t feel like doing the math. Even on pi day.

My favorite part of Raven’s visit with the family? Hans’ mom cannot imagine Raven hurting somebody.

Flashback: Earlier this season, Raven admitted to stabbing an ex with a stiletto mid copulation.

Special Ed Vanessa

The meeting with the family was interesting. Vanessa flipped the script and put the family on its heels. Vanessa also expressed a lack of interest in getting engaged and concerns about moving from Montreal.

Dad talks the options over with Hans. He thinks Vanessa is more of the same. Vanessa is obviously Hans’ type, but is she the right choice.

Hans has a type?

The Final Date Highlights

• Mrs. Dugan hates horseback riding. The frigid temps did not make it appears more fun. But did you see Santa Claus popping out behind the Christmas trees? Reminds me of the greatest holiday special since the epic Star Wars performance.

Santa Claus wants some lovin.

• Vanessa still doesn’t understand the limitations of the show. Hans puts on his best Nick Saban imitation and respects the Fleiss & Co process. 
• Hans and Raven ice skated and played with puppies. 
• Raven is taking the positive approach to Vanessa’s confrontational attitude.

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NEIL IN FINLAND!

It’s ring and rose time. And first up, we have Raven which is never a good sign. She is cut but holds up very well. My favorite part is after breaking her heart, Fleiss & Co. send Raven packing in the snow without her jacket.

Vanessa walks in and tells Harrison “I’m nervous.”

Harrison: “You should be.”

What the hell Harrison? Never mind the Harrison sidestep, Vanessa secures the final rose after placing her jacket over Raven’s.

The Bachelor Episode 10: Finnish Fantasy

Whiskey and ice cream for me tonight.   I'm as predictable as one of the contestants accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite.  My whiskey is as neat as Harrison's handwriting on a date card.  My ice cream is as cold as a March day in Finland.  

On the Bachelor, fantasy suite dates equal romance; for me, it's Mrs. Wags reading Pinterest while I recap the episode.  You should see us on Tuesday nights!

Just add the dog, and it's us tomorrow night

We resume the episode on It's So Raven's dream date in a yurt.  Everyone wants to know the answer to the big question: did Raven get there for the first time?  

Well, everyone except her POOR PARENTS.  Her dad, fresh off finding out that he's cancer-free, now has to find out on national television that his daughter did I.T. with Hans.  

Bachelorette Rachel

Rachel said being in Finland is like Narnia.  This statement clearly showed that she's a lawyer because all lawyers are big nerds deep down (and sometimes not so deep down . . . as I look at myself  in the mirror.). 

Hans got his revenge on Rachel for taking him to church.  He took her cross-country skiing.  No comment. 

The ski trip took them to a reindeer petting zoo.  Way better than the usual goats that are guaranteed to bite you.  

I don't know Santa, and I will bite you.

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel struggled to tell Hans she loves him. After Hans told her to check her ego at the door and follow her heart, she said she's falling in love.  Like Van Morrison sang, 

"She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, ego-checked-at-the-door love"

Rachel said yes to the fantasy suite.  I'm still so curious how she's going to go out.  I really hope he proposes to her and she says no.

Special Ed Vanessa

The date started off with an ice plunge followed by a sauna.  According to Hans, this is Finnish tradition.  Apparently, "firm handshakes with eye contact and no supporting gestures" are also a Finnish tradition.  The fantasy suite just got way more boring.  

Yes, I will join you in the fantasy suite.

Fleiss & Co., again trying to throw us off the scent, showed Special Ed and Hans having tough conversations about their (in)compatibility and nationalities.  We all know she's going to win, and we've known this for a long time.  

Special Ed said yes to the fantasy suite.  A little champagne, fireplace, and snuggling solves everything.  

In the morning, Special Ed said the night in the fantasy suite has given her "more of an appreciation for who Nick is."  That's an artful way to put it.  

Rose Ceremony

HARRISON IS IN FINLAND.  After being marginalized all season, Fleiss & Co. gave Harrison his due and sent him to see the Northern Lights. 

Weepy Hans gave the first rose to That's So Raven.  

The final rose went to Special Ed Vanessa (obviously).  

I feel sorry for Rachel, but not all that sorry for Bachelorette Rachel.  She's getting what she came for (and what she deserves): her own season.   

Until next week when we get the real prize: Neil mf'n LANE!!!  

The Bachelor Episode 9: Whiskey, Andi, Finland.

Good evening, friends. We left off last week with Andi Dorfman knocking on Hans' door. Offered whiskey or wine, she follows Wags' lead and opts for the whiskey. It appears that Andi's only reason for being on the show was to give Hans a sex pep talk for the upcoming overnights. If you hop in the way back machine...we harken back to Andi's season when finalist Hans was very upset that Andi slept with him before cutting him in the finale. Hans assumed overnight suite sex secured the final rose. It. did. not.

Basically, Andi tells Hans to man up and not let his former hurt feelings prevent him from sleeping with these girls and similarly breaking their hearts. Great talk, counselor.

Rose Ceremony Time

Going into the final few episodes, there have been few true surprises this season. The early exit of Business Owner Danielle was my one exception and this rose ceremony supplied surprise number two.

To recap:

We have the favorite, Special Ed Vanessa, who still doesn't understand that Hans gets to date other girls. Basically, this means she doesn't get the main premise of the show. Despite that, she is likely still too good for Hans. We also have next Bachelorette Rachel who absolutely is too good for Hans and needs to get cut without too much collateral damage. We have It’s So Raven who wants to get the hell out of Moxie, Arkansas. And finally, we have Ivanka on the main stage. Ivanka. Main stage.

I googled jane loincloth to get some images to photoshop to explain Ivanka's dress. Instead, I found her actual attire for the rose ceremony.

Surprisingly didn't work

The first rose is given to Raven. A mild surprise but I still expect Rachel to go. RACHEL gets the second rose. That means Special Ed Vanessa or Ivanka is going home. Special Ed gets the rose. And we will welcome Ivanka back home to sunny South Florida. We missed you Ivanka. You have been a wonderful Florida Woman keeping our kooky reputation in tact.

I expected a little more from our dear Ivanka. It turns out she was a modern Icarus, flying too close to the sun.

Hans does Finland.

I love you Mike Fleiss & Co. He brought Hans, the 13th Prince of the Southern Isles, to Finland for overnights. We begin with a That's So Raven helicopter ride. It looks very cold in Finland. And they explain that it's only sunny a couple hours a day. What hours? 8-10am? 12-2pm? 5-7pm? Does anyone else find this curious?

You know what else is curious? Finnish darts. Don't know what I'm talking about? Take a close look at that Finnish dartboard.

WTF?

They talk about their future. He’ll cook. She'll fold. Stopped paying attention as I google Finnish Darts.

That's So Raven reveals her modest sexual history along with the lack of orgasms. I can't decide if that puts more or less pressure on Hans. But that's not the confusing part. Raven explains that the lack of orgasm was a trust issue. Acceptable. But she's looking forward to sex with a guy simultaneously dating 30 other women? No trust issues there? WOMEN MAKE NO SENSE.

In other news, I'm worried that Hans' Turtleneck might make this discussion moot. No male has ever worn a turtleneck and ended up having sex. It's a fact. Don't even bother looking it up. Or you can check back next week when Wags' takes the keyboard for a 3 hour episode. WHAT?

The Bachelor Episode 8: Hometowns

A Bachelor recap combined with a national holiday!?  This calls for whiskey and ice cream.  Okay, every Monday calls for my dream combo, but many of my Mondays are holidays.  Hooray for being a government employee.  Raise your hand if you got President Lincoln's birthday off as a holiday last week.

Also named Tim.

The episode began back in "Bimini."  I still don't believe it's a real place.  Have you ever met anyone that's been there?  I haven't even met anyone that's heard of the place.  Until further notice, the only explanation I will accept for Bimini is that it's an island owned by one of these weirdos.  

After sending KGB DDS, the remaining four women worried about Hans's unpredictability.  Sounds like great husband material.  If I had a nickel for ever time I've heard someone say, "My dream spouse is intelligent, caring, kind, and unpredictable."

All four got roses.  We're off to the hometowns of Ivanka, Rachel Esq., That's So Raven, and Special Ed Vanessa.  

Hometown #1: That's So Raven in Hoxie, Arkanasa

Apparently, Fleiss & Co. are not going to shy away from every southern stereotype I may or may not have: ATVs, country music, jean shorts, swamps, and grain bins (?).  

According to Raven, any time you need to have a serious conversation in Hoxie, you go to a grain bin.  I am beyond baffled.  While on top of the grain bin, a police officer detained them.  He seemed like a fake police officer, but he turned out to be Raven's real brother.  Unfortunately, he did not arrest Hans.  

The date continued with some mudding followed by mud wrestling.  Do they do this stuff in Florida, Dugan!? (On second thought, don't answer that).  It was my second favorite mud wrestling scene I've seen.

You're my boy, Harrison.

Sadly, Raven's dad received a lung cancer diagnosis 1 1/2 years ago.  And now he has to meet Hans.  Hasn't he suffered enough already?  Thankfully, Papa Raven recently received the news that he's cancer-free.  I feel personally happy for Papa Raven, as guys like us (bald acceptors) need to stick together.

At the end of the date, That's So Raven couldn't pull the trigger and say the magic words.

Hometown #2: Rachel Esq. in Dallas

Rachel started off the date by taking Hans to her church.  Hans said his church at home is "a little different."  I wonder if he's talking about race.  

Rachel seems pretty smart.  I wonder who wins in court, Andi Dorfman or Rachel Esq.  

After all the buildup, Rachel's federal appellate court judge father couldn't be on the date because he had work obligations, aka I-will-never-be-on-a-reality-show-i'm-not-judge-judy.  Not only did his seemingly intelligent daughter decide to go on the Bachelor (maybe twice?), but now she went and forever screwed up his previously impeccable wikipedia page.

After a whole bunch of talk about how she's never brought a white guy home and Hans has never met a black person before, Rachel's white brother-in-law was there.  But then he went and said, "I can't help but notice you are a white."  Mrs. Wags thinks he was doing a bad impression of Zach Galifinakis.  I'm not so sure.  

Other than the race-focused conversation, there wasn't too much of note here.  

Hometown #3: Ivanka in Miami 

The date started off with an aerial view of a marina.  From my many experiences in south Florida, this seems to be an accurate portrayal of what Floridians are all about.   And who can blame them?  When I'm in Florida, this is what I'm all about.

Ivanka took Hans to the fancy mall where she knew every retail salesperson by name.  Hans thought this was possibly a good thing.  Once Ivanka bought him a $3,000 outfit, he should know that it's not a good thing.  Dugan, when you go to the Tomas Maier store at that mall, could you please pick me up a pair of these shoes?

In the mall food court, Ivanka told Hans she loves him.  All the high school kids must have been laughing at them.

Hans met her family and her "nanny" Raquel.  Raquel proceeded to serve wine, dinner, do the dishes, and interview Hans.  Nanny = indentured servant.    

Papa Ivanka, let's just call him Donald, was wearing no less than four bracelets.  I can forgive the gold chain, but multiple bracelets?  

Mama Ivanka, let's call her Ivana, told Ivanka to be real and remember it's just fantasy.  WOW.  I didn't expect chardonnay-chugging Ivana to be the voice of reason.  I expected Raquel to be the voice of reason.  

Hometown #4: Special Ed Vanessa in Montreal

Special Ed first took Hans to meet her students.  All of her students are over 21, French or English speaking, and special needs.  I LOVED the women wearing the I Heart Galileo t-shirt.   According to Stephen Hawking, Galileo probably bears more of the responsibility for the birth of modern science than anybody else, and Albert Einstein called him the father of modern science.  So I guess that girl's t-shirt is on point.  

Rachel and Vanessa seem too good for this dope.  But when I pondered that thought out loud, Mrs. Wags astutely pointed out the major character flaw of signing up to be on the show in the first place. 

Special Ed's parents are divorced, so Hans had to meet her parents separately.  Though they were in Canada, her entire family is apparently VERY Italian.  

Special Ed's siblings asked the hard questions of Hans and Special Ed.  Special Ed's mom grabbed her chin and said "look at me. . . look at me," before delivering a serious message.  I told Mrs. Wags that we need to have more conversations where I hold her chin and say, "look at me."  I just practiced on her (interrupting her Pinterest search), and she quickly said she doesn't like people grabbing her chin.  Even after 18 years together, we still have so much to learn about one another.  

The evening continued over at her dad's house.  I am not sure what happened because most of the date was interrupted by a flash flood warning for northern California.  Don't worry about me, I have a great pair of galoshes.  

Special Ed ended the date devastated to find out that Hans asked for permission on other dates.  

Rose Ceremony

There must have been another flood warning, as I did not realize how they ended up in New York.  

Not-so-shocking ending: Andi showed up at his hotel room, said "Hello Nick," and then CUT.  Episode over.  

See you next week, with Dugan leading the way.  

The Bachelor Episode 7: Tears, Sharks and Tears

Hans' tears have breached the dam.

We begin the episode in St. Thomas where the drama from last week is still unresolved. Hans gets a pep talk from Harrison and looks to assure the girls he’s here for the right reasons. Besides the amount of tears, what’s striking is how few women are left:

Ivanka

Special Ed Vanessa

Rachel Esq.

That’s So Raven

Cheesehead Danielle

KGB DDS

It is late in the season, but I feel Hans is trying to convince the girls to stick with him over these last few weeks. The chance of a successful relationship coming from this season has to be the lowest probability since Jake/Brad’s seasons. Maybe it’s a 4 letter name thing? That’s why Tim and Dugan stick to 3/5 letters.

You know a good way to get a girl to like you? Take them to Bimini! Hans says why not and has to trim the suave six to the final four a few miles off the coast from Dugan.

Did I just say Final Four? No, we’re not talking about the Stevie Vasturia-lead Notre Dame basketball team. Next week are Hometowns!!!

Special Ed Vanessa & the Bermuda Triangle Shipwreck

The most interesting part of this trip was Ivanka’s initial response: “You lucky bitch.” Special Ed Vanessa is an assured front-runner and my pick to win at this point. Still smarting over the lack of a one-on-one, Ivanka decides to trash Special Ed Vanessa as having “no depth” and constantly talking about pasta and her special needs kids. Ivanka is becoming a super-villain and must be stopped.

Hans may have surfaced from the snorkeling too quickly because he dropped this gem later on the date: “Hometowns is next week” Oh, Hans. So eloquent.

Special Ed Vanessa appears to understand the show. She gives Hans the “I’m falling in love….” talk. Then she is flummoxed when she doesn’t get it back. No reciprocation is par for the course.

Do they get the show in Canada?

Ivanka, KGB DDS, and That’s So Raven go to School

We start the group date hearing the girls points of view. KGB DDS is sick of sharing her boyfriend. Raven simply wants the rose. Ivanka wants Nick. And the producers did not wait long to get the fireworks started. Having Hans apply sunscreen to KGB DDS in front of Ivanka/That’s So Raven was pure genius. We all know Ivanka’s lack of stability. Don’t sleep on my girl Raven. Remember earlier this season when she admitted to beating up a boyfriend with the stiletto heel of a women he was having sex with at the time. She can go cray if need be.

Watch your back, Hans. Speaking of, it’s shark swimming time. I don’t know why I got a kick out of this, but I did find it funny that KGB DDS started to detail the rows of teeth sharks enjoy. Raven wasn’t intimidated: “I will punch a shark in the face.” Well then.

I only have one question watching this date. How do fake eye lashes do in salt water?

Let’s speed up this recap:

• Ivanka is worried about falling behind.
• Hans cried.
• Raven uses the term “Daddy” which is no Bueno with Mrs. Dugan.
• Nevertheless, Raven gets the rose and Ivanka is starting to get worried.

Cheesehead Danielle and the Boring Date

At first, this date was pretty cool. They road bikes and started playing basketball with local kids. It went downhill when they had to talk to one another. Here’s the recap.

Boom. She’s getting cut mid-date. That’s how bad it was. Cutting her was the only interesting thing to come after basketball. It also gave us this exchange:

Hans: “You’re just so great”

Danielle: “Not great enough. I’ll leave and get my things.”

Hans: “I’ll walk you out.”

Danielle: “Sure.”

OUCH BABE.

Ivanka and the Caitlyn fail, Rachel as the next Bachelorette Date, and the KGB DDS Exit

Ivanka tried to cheer up Hans with a nightcap. Hans thought better of it and cut her off before he could make the same mistake twice.

Mrs. Dugan did call Rachel Esq. as the next bachelorette from the opening scenes of the premier. It appears those premonitions are now being confirmed by TMZ.

The rest of the season will be set on making Rachel appear great. She’ll get cut and be sad, but not too sad to be broken. The date was fun. At a local bar, Nick knew to just order a beer. Rachel hesitated…you know she wanted to order a chardonnay but thought better and ordered a beer. After admitting she never brought home a white guy, Rachel still make Hans comfortable and assured him he had nothing to worry about.

Goodbye KGB DDS. We’ve had enough of Russia lately.