The Bachelorette Finale, Episode 10.

The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl.  The Oscars are the Super Bowl of fashion.  And the Bachelorette finale is the Super Bowl of Neil Lane.  The special day has arrived.  One of the Bachelorette contestants (and in this case, who really cares?) will get to make the choice between several Hope diamond sized rings.  Neil Lane only brings the big ones.  

45 carats

According to Chris Harrison, this is the "television event of the summer."  Sorry network television, this is further proof that Netflix is taking over.  

The finale is taking place in the Maldives.  I've always kind of wondered how to properly pronounce the Maldives.  According to Becca, it's the "maul-deeves."  Now, whenever someone mispronounces it, I can smugly correct them and tell them I learned how to pronounce it properly on the Bachelorette.  I will feel so smart.  

Fav Garrett Meets the Fam

Fav Garrett met Becca's family first.  Confronted again with his divorce, Fav threw his Ex under the bus again.  All I want for After the Final Rose is a rebuttal from his ex wife.  

Just noticed that Fav Garrett has a wrist tattoo.  This will go perfectly with Becca's aggressive below-the-elbow tattoos.  

After an unnecessary amount of crying, Fav Garrett still looks like the Fav.  

Like Blake Arrives

Like Blake made a good impression with Becca's family, but Fleiss and Co. showed Becca sobbing behind the scenes about making this choice.  Things started to get worse when Becca's family told Like Blake he would be fine if he loses.  Like Blake, already a head case, is not in a good place. 

Becca's uncle (cousin?) asked if there was anything he should know about Fav Garrett.  As previously referenced by Dugan, yes, yes there are some things you should be concerned about.  

Back in the studio, Harrison brought on the stars of a new movie, "Crazy Rich Asians."  I'm not comfortable with this movie title.  No jokes.  Fast forward 15 seconds. Nothing appropriate can come from a white guy making comments about this while drinking whiskey.

After the guys left, the family gave their opinions on the guys.  The family appears to be in favor of Like Blake because he's "on her level" and will challenge her in ways that Fav Garrett won't.  This is a nice way of saying Like Blake is smarter than Fav Garrett.  Sadly, picking between these two seems like a choice between Don Jr. and Eric.

Garrett's soul mates

Last Date with Fav

They went on a sailboat and got surrounded by dolphins.  I think I know what their next hand tattoos will be!!!

Dugan: you and me?

Becca took the date on a morbidly romantic turn, stating, "If I were to die, I hope it would be here with you."  We haven't even seen Neil Lane yet.  It's too soon.  

In the evening portion of the date, Fav imagines a life "changing a baby's diaper" with Becca.  No No No.  Fav has the joys of parenting all wrong.  If he said, "I can't wait to discuss the details of when, where, and how often our baby poops," then I would find it more believable, yet still not romantic.  

Mrs. Wags asked me if Becca knows who she is going to pick.  I replied, "Of course not, she's in love with two men equally."  Mrs. Wags then informed me that she also didn't know who she was going to pick the night before we got engaged.  While this came as a surprise, I also had a surprise for Mrs. Wags: her ring is not a genuine Neil Lane.  

Last Date with Like Blake

After some paddle boarding, Like Blake and Becca had a serious chat (as usual).  Becca said she's trying to decide "what's best for you guys."  Like Blake doesn't miss the signals sent by these types of statements.  Neither does Mrs. Wags; "She's not picking this guy."  By the way, Mrs. Wags just started watching this season for the first time about 10 minutes ago.  Yes, she's always in the room when we watch, but usually she's Pinterested in something else.  (Fast forward ten minutes: Mrs. Wags just asked me Becca's name.)

In the evening portion of the date, Like Blake presented her with a time capsule of their time together.     Someone tell this guy that they have been on two dates together.  This is not an impressive gift.  

NEIL LANE TIME

Just went on Amazon to see if there is a Neil Lane autobiography.  Sadly, it doesn't exist, but maybe this is my time to write it!  Be the change you want to see in the world, right?

Neil's time on the Bachelor was quick, but meaningful.  He introduced himself to both guys, "Hi, I'm Neil."  HELL YES YOU'RE NEIL.

And then he was gone.  

Interestingly, Becca's sister had a very Elton John hairstyle. 

The Final Final Rose

Back in the studio, Harrison warns us, "you've never seen anything like this."  We'll see about that. 

Like Blake was first off the boat.  He gave an loving, yet sweaty, speech about his love for Becca.  Becca interrupted and said she's happier with someone else.  Poor Blake, it's a rough way to go out.

Back in the studio, Like Blake was with Harrison and ready to see Becca for the first time since the breakup.  It's now past 10 pm.  I didn't agree to this.  Now I'm starting to sweat like Ted Striker.  

Back in the Maul-deeves, Fav Garrett arrived at the proposal/breakup balcony.  Becca told Fav that she loves him.  Mrs. Wags said their excitement was pretty cute, "like when a toddler stops hitting you in the head with a book and starts giving you hugs."  So, yeah, cute like that, really cute.  

It's 10:30.  I'm done.  It's been quite a season.  The big winner was wrist tattoos.  Until next season...

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Overnights in Thailand

Becca begins the episode admitting she is in love with two men and falling in love with a third. She then breaks down her relationship with the three remaining men:

Fav Garrett

• He received the first impression rose and has been the favorite from start to finish, 
• She is clearly attracted to him but is concerned he won't be willing to commit so soon after his first marriage failed so spectacularly 

Sr. Banker Jason

• He got off to a slow start, but he is closing strong.
• She has no doubts they would be best friends (is Jason in the friend zone?)

Like Blake

• Becca says she's most like herself around Like Blake (good sign!)
• Their relationship is effortless.

Like Blake & Becca visit a Monk

The Monk

Like Blake and Becca visit a sacred temple where they must respect the grounds by not kissing/touching one another. Most couples that are not teenagers could do this with less complaining. However, the trip was not all in vain. Buddhist Monks drop some knowledge on what it takes to make a relationship work:

Honesty  

Ability to Adjust/Adapt

Patience

Giving 

These monks have given better advice on love in five minutes than this show has managed in two decades. But did you get a good view of the monk?

Later that night, Like Blake is like breaking under the pressure. In a tried and true issue, Blake is having trouble with his girlfriend simultaneously dating two other guys. He can’t take that she is dating other guys. Nevertheless, she offers the Fantasy Suite invite since that's like, inevitable, during this episode. Like Blake has Becca's heart and the inside track to one of the final roses.

The Buffalo Banker heads to Bangkok

Ok, so they didn't go to Bangkok, but I needed the B for alliteration. And they are in Thailand. Close enough. Its like Dugan telling people he's from Miami since that's way easier than explaining Fort Lauderdale to someone from Minnesota. Sr. Banker Jason and Becca walk around Thai markets and eat bugs. The banker seems at ease, comfortable, even confidant. 

Then comes the margin call. Becca makes an offhand comment about their future together and it hits her like a ton of bricks. She realizes that she isn't picking Jason. Tim has told us all along this would happen. Jason is who she would end up with in real life, so you don't go on a show to end up with the same guy. 

In a related note, Mrs. Dugan assures me that Sr. Banker’s hair disqualifies him from being the Bachelor/ette. Obviously she didn't read my thoughts on the Barry Melrose-esque hair of Sr. Banker. 

Barry Melrose for next Bachelor!

Dinner is not going well for the Senior Banker. Tim's prediction is coming true and Becca is cutting him without a Fantasy Suite invite. Harsh, but I respect the move, Becca.  Becca admits he’s a great guy and that she usually dates terrible people. Ugh. Gut punch for the banker. 

America, don't feel bad for Sr. Banker Jason. Do you realize his dating prospects in the greater Seattle area are now off the charts? Becca is left between the misogynist and the high school kid. Jason's going to do just fine with all the sympathy ass he can handle. 

Garrett and Becca go Bamboo rafting with all of Thailand

Becca and Garrett begin a relaxing thai bamboo rafting trip. Looks like the advance team for Fleiss & co. didn't find out it was a Thai national holiday and the river was PACKED! It looked cool...almost as cool as Becca and Garrett ending the day drinking Thai 40s. Good for you!

But with Thai beer

Becca and Garrett return to the resort to an outdoor dinner and chat. I imagine Like Blake staring at them from his room balcony in tears. Garrett is saying all the right things. I know he's in sales, but he is saying everything that Becca wants to hear. It's almost like he is being given lines from Rom-Coms and she doesn't realize it.

As Mrs. Dugan and I discuss how much of these lines are being fed by producers, Garrett states the following: “Becca makes me want to be a better man!”

Wait, that’s literally from a movie.

Sr. Banker Jason comes back for one more gut punch. People think he's a glutton for punishment. I think he is just securing the sympathy ass in the greater Seattle area.

All on purpose.

The Anti-Climactic Rose Ceremony ends with two roses for two men. Until next week's finale!

The Bachelorette Episode 8: You Better Be Vulnerable

Last week, Dugan mentioned he flies all around the Bahamas on private aircrafts playing in off-shore craps games.  

In order to feel adequate, I thought I would break out the whiskey I won at auction.  You read that correctly.  I buy my alcohol at auction.  Who needs Bevmo?  For those keeping track at home, I also have ice cream tonight too.  Let's talk about hometowns.

Fav Garrett in Manteca, CA

Though Fav G lives in Reno, he's from Manteca, CA.  It's about 75 miles from me.  I have never been there, but I always wanted to go there as a kid for one reason.

Again, F. Garrett knocked his ex-wife for taking him away from his family.  Though I don't do any outside research for this show, I'll bet her rebuttal to Gar's slander would be compelling.  Mrs. Gov, can you confirm or deny my theory?

At his family home, Fav's mom promised it would be "no holds bar (sic)."  With all that wine they have on the table, it looks like they won't be holding anything back at the bar.

Fav's mom had a chat with Becca.  Still scarred from Fav's divorce, she's understandably skeptical about this process.  I'm surprised any family member goes along with this process.  I'd have the hardest time not telling a family member that they are insane.



Garrett's family seems your pretty average upper-middle-class family.  Garrett kind of seems like he's the Lennie of the family.

Low IQ, beautiful hairline

The date ended with Fav Garrett still in the front runner position.  

Sr. Banker in Buffalo

Good Ol' Sr. Banker: the guy she should choose, but she won't because he's the "could-get-him-in-real-life" contestant.  

Sr. Banker started off the day with a wing-eating contest.  I love this guy!!!!  (But I guarantee she won't.)  

After the eating contest, Sr. Banker took her to the ice skating rink to show off his hockey skills.  This makes sense of his fashion mullet.

At night, they went to see Sr.'s family, but he warned the audience that he has "guarded and protected" his heart.  Do Fleiss and Co. issue these guys a script?  

Sr. Banker's dad also judges dog shows in his spare time.  

I've taken a sponge bath in smaller bowls than that.

Sr. Banker's brother, Ira Glass, was there with his husband.  First ever married gay couple at a hometown date?  I think so.  I loved how average it was.  No big deal.  Nothing you can do about that Kavanaugh!!!

Nice date Sr. Banker, but you have no chance.  

Like Blake in Bailey, CO

Whoa SNOW.  It looks freezing in Colorado.   

First order of business: taking her to his old high school.  It must have been fun to show off his hall of fame plaque, where he bullied all the other kids, and where he achieved his final educational level.  

I thought it was a curious decision to take her to his high school library (where he never went actually went while in high school).

I'm really going to regret it when I find out this guy is actually in medical school.  Nah, there's no aspiring doctors on this show anymore.  We can't even get a dental student these days.  

Think she got her DDS?

At his parents house, Like Blake's parents put aside their differences/divorce to come together for Fleiss and Co.  Unfortunately, it appears Blake's basketball coach (English teacher?) couldn't make it.  

The date ended.  These two seem really into one another.  

QB5 Colton in Parker, CO

Apparently, the adult virgin QB5 lives in a more temperate part of Colorado.  It's sunny and comfortable (and innocent) in QB5's Colorado.  

QB5 described Becca's "natural, motherly feel" as "something you can't learn."  He's starting to sound more and more like a virgin.  

It seems like she's not looking at this guy in the same way anymore.  It would be like Mrs. Wags telling me she's actually a USC fan.  We could never go back. 

QB5's dad, rocking the large cross necklace and braided rope bracelet, looks like he's going for the cool-youth-minister look.  

QB5 says he's in love, but I don't think his expression of love has gotten him into the top 2.  He's an obvious bronze medalist in this one.  

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, she met with the "people who know her best," five women from last season's Bachelor.  I feel terrible for her actual friends at home in Minnesota.  

Tia, QB5's ex-girlfriend, pulled Becca aside to be "fully honest."  I was hoping she was going to reveal she had relations with him.  Instead, Tia said she still has feelings for QB5.  So maybe these aren't actually Becca's five best friends?

Before the rose ceremony, QB5 pulled Harrison aside to ask him what the rules of the fantasy suite are.  Do you have to have sex?  No, dummy, Fleiss and Co. don't MAKE YOU HAVE SEX.  

Getting roses and heading to the fantasy suites were:

Like Blake

Sr. Banker Jason (WHAT!?)

Fav Garrett

Goodbye QB5.  Thankfully he doesn't have to feel obligated.  

While the fantasy suites always bring some intrigue to the show, I would love to see a spelling bee between these three.  Sr. Banker would clean up.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Who Let The Dogs Out!

We begin in Dugan's backyard at the beautiful Baja Mar in Nassau. Often times, these trips seem so tropical and distant. Not so much with the Bahamas which is closer than Orlando to us South Floridians. Let's get down to it. We have six guys left and next week is the Hometowns episode. There are the clear favorites, QB5 Colton and the aptly named Favorite Garrett. We can safely assume they will be obtaining a rose, so it comes down to two roses for four guys: Like Blake, Sr. Banker, Potter Wills, and Leo the Lion. Out of those four, Becca appears to have the greatest connection with Sr. Banker...but we shall see.

Colton's Virginity Episode.

Colton gets one of the three one-on-ones and begins with a catamaran day cruise where they do the required Titanic move at the front of the boat. Colton was born in 1992. Titanic came out in 1997.

5 yr old Colton

Colton and Becca meet up with Bahamian Conch King Action. On a side note, during Frosh O weekend, my roomate from Long Island told me I pronounced "Conch" wrong and that the ending was the same CH sound as in COUCH. I still laugh about it to this day almost 19 years later. FYI, conch is delicious. I have to give QB5 some credit, because it did not look like a shallow free dive to obtain the conch. 

But we are not here to discuss conch. We are here to discuss virginity. Specifically, adult virginity.

This one stars Colton.

Ok, he prioritized football over relationships...yada yada yada...and is a virgin. The best part? Becca's initial reaction. SHE BAILED. Literally, he opened himself up and discussed a very personal secret and she....

Becca. For reals.

She bailed. Hilarious. Ditching him at this vulnerable time makes me thing she really isn't going to pick him. Is that what you would do to your fiance? You know what Fleiss & Co will do? Keep this fucker until overnights. GUARANTEED. Rose secured. I'll count next week's as well.

Favorite Garrett and a Seaplane

Becca and Fav. Garrett take a seaplane around the Bahamas island hopping. Dugan's favorite plane trip to the Bahamas involved a private plane flight in the morning, a few hours of craps, and a return flight that night. Good times. They like each other. We get it. Dinner.

Fav. Garrett takes another opportunity to trash his ex-wife. She was a yeller. A hot-head. The Garrett doth protest too much, methinks.

Nevertheless, Garrett says he's falling in love and secures a rose.

Like Blake and the Baha Men

Like Blake and Becca begin their date dancing with the Baha Men who were a formative part of Tim and Dugan's college experience. Thanks to a superhero named D. McDermo.

Becca drops the QOTN discussing her feelings about Blake: "I feel like I’m glowing from the inside out.”

How hard were the producers laughing when she uttered those words? Do producers have a pot where they reward the cheesiest lines per episode? The date turned serious at dinner where Like Blake discussed his mother's affair with his basketball coach and English teacher in a small town.

You know how Like Blake cut the tension? The season's firm L BOMB! He gets the rose. But before we move on to the group date, can we discuss Blake's shirt? Like Blake, like, what's going on here? 

Leo the Lion, Potter Wills, and a Sr. Banker

You have to put your money with the Banker out of these final three. Thus, this entire date will be about making the Sr. Banker appear on the verge of default, but everyone knows he's getting the final hometown rose. We'll go to the highlights because it's already two days late:

• Potter Wills parents have a long marriage.
• Sr. Banker gets to his highest rate of return, making out.
• Leo the Lion tries to play a very difficult hand on the Bachelor/ette: honesty. He correctly points out that he is not like the other guys. He admits their relationship is not as far along as the others. He admits he isn’t ready to propose next week. Fleiss & Co do not want honesty! BUT I LOVE IT.

• Leo the Lion goes down swinging. Becca is the lion. 
• Oh no. We may lose our Sr. Banker. Damn you, Fleiss & Co. I knew the curveball was coming and I still couldn't hit it. Just when we think the Sr. Banker is Lehman Brothers, Becca turns into Henry Paulson and bails out Sr. Banker AIG.

The Bachelorette Episode 6: A History Lesson

Do you have a favorite beach?  I do.  It's Makena Beach in Maui.  Here's a recommendation: when you aren't at your favorite beach, just turn on all of the YouTube videos of your favorite beach.  That's what I've been doing for the last 1/2 hour.  I think the same concept applies to Neil Lane.  Do you miss him?  I do.  When you're missing Neil Lane, just watch his commercials on repeat.  These two recommendations can improve your life.  What I am about to write, with the power of whiskey and ice cream, cannot.

Neil loves to body surf (like me).

To the show!  The episode began in Richmond, Virginia.  They had to show it on a map (thanks Fleiss and Co.)  According to Becca, it's "different from Vegas."  It's definitely different because I don't know anyone that's ever been to Richmond.   

Super Eagle Lincoln and Stitches Chris got in an early-episode argument about how much they lift, or something along those lines.  I asked Mrs. Wags for an assist.  "What are they arguing about?"  Mrs Wags replied, "What show is this?"  

Solo Date: Sr. Banker Jason

So this dude has no chance of winning.  He's way too normal.  He's this season's guy-she-could-get-in-real-life.  They never win, but they always make it pretty far.  (Spoiler: Becca actually said later in the date that his friends remind her of people from "home.")

The theme of the date was "wandering around Richmond."  This might be helpful because I don't know anything about Richmond.  

They went to a cemetery where "Edgar Allan Poe's mother is buried."  No offense to Mrs. Poe, but this factoid is not causing me to book my next family trip to Richmond.  

Mrs. Poe kind of looks like Becca

Becca surprised the Sr. Banker by flying out a few of his friends to meet them at a bar.  These guys all appeared to be the Jr. Bankers from his firm.

Good to see you Jason

In the evening portion of the date, they both shared tragic stories about losing immediate family members, but all I could focus on was the two olive dirty martini on the table.  That could be the first time I've ever envied a drink featured on the Bachelorette.  

Sr. Banker got the date rose.  Now that Venmo John is gone, this guy may be my favorite (Leo the Lion is #2).

Group Date: QB5 Colton, Favorite Garrett, Potter Wills, Coach Connor, Like Blake, Super Eagle Lincoln, and Stitches Chris

The guys all showed up to the date in suits for their visit to the capitol building of Virginia to learn about "history."  They encountered Washington and Lincoln impersonators.  The impersonators informed the contestants that they were the 1st and 16th Presidents, respectively.  ....And that wrapped up the entire history lesson.  Armed with that history lesson, I may have been able to get a 5 on my AP US History exam.  

The men had a debate on the capitol steps to make speeches in support of their candidacy for Becca's heart.  In a great surprise appearance, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam asked the guys what they would do in Virginia.  Governor Northam must have regretted his appearance when Stitches started accusing the guys, especially Super Eagle, of being fake and body shaming him for weighing 300 pounds as a kid.  

Can you believe these guys?

Stitches keeps saying he's been real, but how are we supposed to believe a bald denier is being "real?"

Becca, upset from her conversation with Stitches, had to cut short her conversation with Favorite Garrett.  Garrett, angry about this asinine situation, complained that he was "ready to open up tonight."   This show is insane.

Potter Wills said he's falling in love with Becca.  This guy has about as much of a chance to win this show as Daniel Radcliffe would.

QB5 got the rose.  

Solo Date: Leo the Lion (YES YES YES YES!)

When the date card arrived, Sr. Banker was the only other guy in the house.  Of course, Fleiss and Co. have made rules dictating that one guy must read the date card to the other guy(s).  I thoroughly enjoyed Sr. Banker reading the date card to Leo the Lion.  Very romantic and very weird.

Becca started the date telling the Lion she is emotionally drained.  Leo the Lion, with the composure of a stuntman, told Becca that he would be there for her in the "real world."  Fleiss and Co. Rule 34.2(b) violation: no acknowledging that there is a world outside this show.  The real world is helicopters and five carat diamonds.  

The Lion told a story about how he feels like he failed his father because he didn't become a professional baseball player.  That must hurt.  I'm glad it worked out for me that my dad always wanted me to become a part-time Bachelor blogger.  

The Lion got the date rose, and then they went to a concert by Morgan Evans.  As usual, never heard of him.  Bring back Richard Marx.

Rose Ceremony

Prior to the rose ceremony, Stitches Chris went to talk to Becca at her hotel room.  He wanted to let Becca know that Super Eagle Lincoln "eats 12 eggs per day.  His cholesterol must be 6000."   While he forgot to mention the egg intake issue, he tried to tell Becca that he sees himself getting engaged.  Stitches' plan backfired and she sent him packing because he's crazy. She also locked her hotel door room right after he walked out (nice editing by Fleiss and Co.).  Becca delivered the QOTN: "He's not the guy I would want to have children with. . . .he's not the guy I want in my life ever."  

Joining Jr. Banker and the Lion with roses:

Favorite Garrett

Like Blake

Potter Wills 

Goodbye Super Eagle Lincoln and Coach Connor.  

Until next week in the Bahamas.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Love is My Greatest Power

Many thanks to my writing partner, Dugan, for covering for me last week (really funny post, not-so-funny links).  While on family vacation in Hawaii, it did not seem like a good idea to devote two hours of blogging time while watching the show live.  On the other hand, I had my replacement Bachelorette "treats" in mind: a mai tai and shaved ice.  Alas, the Wags family has returned home to foggy San Francisco, and the whiskey and ice cream are ready to go.

Becca's week started off in Las Vegas.  It's a great place to "take a risk" on love and "roll the dice" on finding your life partner because love is a "gamble."  We get it.  The writers need to work a little harder.

Solo Date: QB5 Colton

The date began with a camel ride.  I assume there's some crude joke I could make here, but I have really matured lately (plus I also can't think of a funny crude joke).

Back at the house, Chicken David and Ken Doll Jordan continued their bickering.  KDJ had some pretty tight shorts.  The audience could easily see his...

It didn't take me too long to come up with a crappy joke.

In the evening portion of the date, QB5 and Becca had dinner in an empty restaurant.  Vegas is the perfect place to have dinner at 3 pm and make it look like it's 8:00 p.m.

QB5 said he associates "confusion and pain" with love because a girl broke up with him one time.  Are these people on this show because they are terrible at letting go of past flames or all-too-good at melodramatizing their very common past experiences?

QB5 got the rose.  He's very handsome, yet also seems very simple.  I'm a little worried he has next-bachelor potential.

Group Date: Harry Potter Wills, Favorite Garrett, Like Blake, Venmo John, Coach Connor, Leo the Lion, Super Eagle Lincoln, Sr. Banker Jason, and Stitches Chris

The date started with a stretch Hummer (Mishawaka, IN pride) trip to Wayne Newton's mansion.  And Wayne was there!  Whoa Wayne's FACE!  According to Wikipedia, Wayne is President Trump's brother.

They had to write a song inspired by "Danke Shoen." (I'm not embarrassed to admit I had to look up how to spell shoen.)  Wayne delivered a possible QOTN: "In my opinion, which I respect very much..."

 

Back at the house, Chicken David asked KDJ if he was going to wear the gold undies.  KDJ quipped, "David's head is in my underpants."  I'm going to be sad when Becca gives both of these guys the boot later in the episode.

At night, the guys had to sing their original-ish love songs.

Venmo John is my favorite. What a nerd.  He has zero chance.  Has a dweeby guy ever won this show? (I did some quick research.  No, a nerd has never won the Bachelorette.  And by "nerd," I merely mean a guy that spends more time reading than going to the gym.)

The guys were predictably terrible.  When you spend that much time in the gym and GNC, there is no time to pursue more artistic hobbies such as singing.

Not good for your singing voice, but does wonders when trying to make the JV baseball team.

Stitches says he's "ranked as one of the top frontrunners."  Now that sports gambling is going to be legal everywhere, maybe he knows what the sports books are saying about this season.  

Like Blake said he's falling in love with Becca.  This got him the date rose, but it got a sideways glance from me.  It's episode 5.  I would like to take a moment to remind our reading audience this show is real and is the search for true love.

Double Date: Chicken David and KDJ

Running List of KDJ Quotes
"David can't control my realness."
"Shotty" (when calling shotgun)
"The wind is leaving my sails."
"Your voice is so nasally, no one can stand you."
"Love is the greatest power on Earth." (is this accurate?)
"Being me is my greatest power." (can't argue with that)
"Being you isn't your greatest power." (if the previous quote is true, this quote doesn't logically follow)
"You lack your own personality."
"You're worse than Arie." (the ultimate insult?)
"[Settling] is the most hurtful thing you can say about a woman." (I could think of some other things.)
"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get buried in the desert." (
"What I like to do in my spare time? Obviously, the gym is a big deal." (Obviously)
"Zoolander is extremely accurate." (It won the 2004 Academy Award for documentary feature.)
"I've got a million different things I could do with my face."
"I could probably move every part of my face." (I think I can too.)
"I wish we could get my portfolio out." (I kind of do too.)
"Tomorrow I'll wake up alone just like I always do." (I'm almost sad for him, but see the previous 16 quotes.)

The date consisted of sitting on a bed in the Nevada desert.  Thanks a million, Fleiss and Co.

Harrison is in the C-3PO outfit.  

Right away, Chicken started dishing on KDJ being a womanizer and interested in dating models and would settle for Becca.

KDJ defended himself by noting his mom has multiple mental illnesses.  Uh oh, this got a little too real.

After a "sixth grade" fight between KDJ and Chicken, Becca opted to Chick-filet and sent Chicken packing.  She wasn't ready to give the date rose to KDJ, so he got to continue onto the evening portion of the date without Chicken.

After talking about himself for the entire date, Becca denied a shocked KDJ the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Becca confronted Stitches Chris about being a baby and threatening to leave.  He later started arguing  with many of the guys over time spent with Becca.  He was very "fustrated" and found it all very "fustrating."  Gym > reading.

Joining QB5 and Like Blake with roses were:

Favorite Garrett
Sr. Banker Jason
Potter Wills (I kind of want to rename him Wills and Trusts)
Super Eagle Lincoln
Leo the Lion (Yesssss!)
Coach Connor
Stitches Chris

Right when I was falling in love with Venmo John, he gets sent home.  Goodbye to the nice guy that's probably richer than all these guys combined.

Until next week in Richmond, Virginia.  Huh?

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Captain Underpants, Lumberjacks and a Jean Blanc Noir farewell

Sorry to disappoint those looking forward to a whiskey and ice cream aided recap, but Dugan is going to pick up episode 4 where 3 left off.

Week 3's rose ceremony highlights

• Becca and Like Blake are having a discussion regarding how many kids they would like to have. While I generally agree this is a good conversation for couples to discuss, I recommend having one or two before claiming you want five or more kids. 

Nope.

• Ken Doll Jordan ("KDJ") is convinced God made Chicken David fall and bust his face for daring to challenge KDJ. KDJ has mental problems.
• Chicken David unveils his new look.

"Really, it's fine" - Becca. Maybe.

• On a night short on memorable quotes, KDJ received a pair of golden underwear and delivered this gem: “All I know is that I’m Captain Underpants and that’s all I got. That’s all I got.”
• Chicken David has the injury sympathy rose along with QB5 Colton and Stitches Chris.
• Who will be joining them?

Senior Banker Jason
Wills
Slick Nick wearing an unexplained track suit.
Globetrotter Christon
Super Eagle Lincoln
Like Blake
Favorite Garrett
Lio the Lion
Venmo John
Coach Connor
KDJ
Jean Blanc Noir

Goodbye to Domer Mike and Banjo Ryan who achieved optimal Bachelor/ette contestant status. They got to survive the ignominy of a first night cut but failed to stay on the show long enough to make really poor alcohol fueled decisions.

Park City One-on-One with Favorite Garrett

Sitting with Mrs. Dugan, I wonder where the drama is going to come from this season because it looks like Favorite Garrett already has this in the bag. Then, Mrs. Dugan informed me of some chinks in the Favorite Garrett armor (see link). What date do you bring up your extreme political views? Speaking of unqualified men, Super Eagle Lincoln is back at the house sharing his flat earth conspiracies. It gets worse. Super Eagle Lincoln recently plead guilty to assault and battery and may have to register as a sex offender. How dare you besmirch the good Nigerian name. You are no Super Eagle! Is there any background check done on these guys?

While Becca is clearly smitten, she found her own concern when discussing past relationships with Garrett. He was married and divorced within two months. This was difficult for Garrett because "no one in my entire bloodline had ever been divorced before.”

Bloodline? Who speaks like that?

Run, Becca, Run!

Lucky 13 and the Lumberjack Date

Everyone not named Garrett and Wills joins Becca in the Utah wilderness including KDJ, Lio the Lion, Coach Connor, Globetrotting Christon, Like Jason, Chicken David, QB5, Jean Blanc Noir, Venmo John and others…

There's a reason Venmo John gets listed last in a Lumberjack competition. Au contraire, friends, Venmo John kicked ass and earned the Golden Axe. Jean Blanc Noir, Stitches Chris and formerly Super Eagle Lincoln failed to show their lumberjack largess.

By the way, axe throwing is a thing now? Dugan will be reserving space soon.

Lumberjack After Party Highlights

• Senior Banker Jason and Becca enjoy kissing one another. Good for those kids.
• QB5 Colton likes dating famous people. 
• KDJ rocks the golden underwear and pisses off the guys. 
• But the night belonged to Jean Blanc Noir

Jean Blanc Noir and the Fragile Male Ego

Jean Blanc realized he was falling behind the other guys.  Jean went to the Jean Blanc Nori well and provided a gift of perfume to Becca. Then he forced a kiss which resulted in this awesome reaction from Becca: “Jean is a lot.” Yes he is. Jean didn't feel the reciprocal love from Becca and went at her again. Becca was not feeling it and shut him down. Jean Blanc spit game. Becca shut him down. It happens. It could have been left at that. But the fragile male ego must be propped up. Jean Blanc retracted his feelings out of a mix of shame/embarrassment/hurt feelings.

Thank you, Becca.

Wills and the Jean Blanc Aftermath Date

Becca is reading too much into Jean Blanc's over-sensitivity and Wills has to navigate this carefully. Luckily, Fleiss & Co. didn't force Wills to get injured to receive a sympathy rose. No, they allowed him to talk about emotional vulnerability to secure the empathy rose. Will's ex wanted a Hall Pass that wasn't given so took it anyway.

Wills categorizes this as a Documentary

One Episode. Two Rose Ceremonies. I feel so lucky.

Joining Fav Garrett and Wills in Vegas will be...

Lio the Lion
QB5 Colton
Like Blake
Senior Banker Jason
Coach Connor
Lincoln
Venmo John
Stitches Chris
Chicken David
Ken Doll Jordan

Goodbye Globetrotting Christon and Slick Nick.