The Bachelorette(s) Episode 11: Finally Finale

We begin with Chris Harrison’s usual finale level exaggeration: “Unforgettable” “Shocking” “Controversial”. Well then, it’s go time. We have Hans v. Ugly Gosling going head-to-head for the final rose.

As we realize the finale is taking place back at the Bachelor home base of Los Angeles County, Mrs. Dugan and I start to wonder if the Bachelor/ette is having budget problems? We began the season at the mansion and traveled to San Antonio, New York, Dublin (for an extended stay), Utah and have now returned to Los Angeles. Further proof? I count only two helicopters on the season with Chris Quinn in New York and the Cupcake Dentist at the Cliffs of Mohr.

Kaitlyn’s family meets Hans.

Kaitlyn fills her family in on the two guys. Basically, she lets her family know three things: 1) Hans from Andi’s season is one of the final two, 2) She slept with Hans, and 3) Hans and the other guy, Ugly Gosling, hate each other.

Kaitlyn’s sister, Haley, questions whether Hans is “here for the right reasons.” Definitely did not get enough of that Bachelor/ette staple. Mom grabs Nick and lets him know she didn’t like him on Andi’s season. Mom points out that he was confident and borderline egotistical. Nick goes on to be confident and borderline cocky. But Nick cried and Mom swooned and the family gave their approval..

Ugly Gosling meets the Family

These shows and dates are fairly formulaic. Rarely does something new or interesting happen. That’s why special moments must be highlighted and enjoyed. And Ugly Gosling gave a fantastic anecdote that is 100% a lie. Let’s get this story straight.

Ugly Gosling lets us know his sisters originally told him about the show. He watches and likes Kaitlyn. And when she gets cut, he takes a picture of her on the tv. In an app, he draws a heart around her picture and sends to his “buddies” to let them know he’ll heal her broken heart.

This Picture according to ATFR

WHAT? This did not happen. No male would ever do this. What “buddies” did he send this to? I need way more information about this ridiculous anecdote.

Even though Mom threw the Hans sex in his face, Ugly Gosling still asked for the parents blessing which was received.

Last Dates

Hans and Kaitlyn meet at Marina del Rey and go yachting. Oops. Due to budget constraints, they take out a 40 foot catamaran. What happened to yachts!!! They head to their date time when Hans drops the QOTN: “I got you a gift and it’s in my bedroom.” Really? Is he 15? Let’s move on to Saddle Rock with Ugly Gosling.

Saddle Rock with Ugly Gosling. This sounds like a terrible DMB cover band. Kaitlyn is being awkward on the date and Ugly Gosling is getting annoyed. He did throw back the red wine. For dinner, Mrs. Dugan notes that UG is “wearing his nicest baseball tee.” Ugly Gosling gives Kaitlyn a Memory Jar. Ugly Goslng DID NOT MAKE THIS. If you believe he made the Memory Jar, please do not vote ever again.

Neil Lane

Budget cuts be damned. We need Neil! Ugly Gosling meets first and selects a ring. Hans laments the first missed opportunity with Neil. Andi cut him on the door step of Neil. However, tonight, Neil Lane is getting solid time and the WWT authors cannot be happier. 

Back at the Mansion for the Rose Ceremony

Mrs D. “Who’s in the Limo?”

Dugan: “Nick because he’s getting cut.”

Hans is first out. BOOM.

Hans is laying his heart on the line. And Kaitlyn has to stop him eventually. She does: “My heart is just with somebody else” It’s time for an impressive back peddle by Kaitlyn.

Hans will always have Neil Lane. And diamonds are forever. Mrs. Dugan points out Nick’s crying family in the crowd and I suddenly feel a microscopic tinge of guilt for laughing at people’s feelings.

Ugly Gosling calls Chris “Mr. Harrison” which is an appropriate level of respect.

UG proposes. Kaitlyn accepts. Congrats kids. I wish you all the Trista & Ryan luck in the world.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 10: 1st and 10 Let's Do It Again

Let me start by apologizing if this post doesn't make any sense, is filled with typos, and is not funny. I have just returned from a raucous Las Vegas bachelor party, and I am just starting to feel like the whiskey and red meat might be leaving my system.  I need to go on a quinoa cleanse.  (Not surprisingly, I guess this actually exists.)  Needless to say, tonight will be an ice cream-only event.  This about sums it up:



As usual, enough about me and more about the Bachelorette.

Welcome back to fantasy suite week, aka "Role Model Ben's Last Tryout for the Bachelor."  The show resumed with Ugly Gosling confronting Hans in an Enniskillen hotel.  As Dugan pointed out last week, it's pretty amazing that they are still in Ireland.  Less helicopters and less beaches this season for sure.  More San Antonio and more castles in return.

Role Models Ben

The fantasy date started with RMB and Kaitlyn getting on some horses.  Kaitlyn asked if horses can smell fear.  Is she too young to remember Jerry Maguire?

They had a picnic by a castle.  It looked like one of those castles that was made in the 1800s.  That's way less impressive than a 1500s era castle.

It turned out that the fake castle was the location of their fantasy night.  I hope they have down comforters because it's going to be drafty in there.  

Role Model said he "never thought he would spend a night in an Irish castle."  All he had to do was google it to realize that it's a fairly attainable goal.  Dare to dream, Benjamin.  Dare to dream.

Kaitlyn said that she wanted to make sure he's "110%" interested in her.  I now like her 50% less.  

The next morning, Kaitlyn admitted that she only slept for half an hour.  That means they must have talked a lot.  

Ugly Gosling

Ugly Gosling and Kaitlyn started their fantasy date by golfing.  UG said "golf is a lot like love.  You can do it until you're old and gray."  We don't exactly have Rhodes Scholars on this season, do we?

Like most of the rounds of golf I play, they ended their day with a game of truth-or-dare.  Right off the bat, UG selected dare, and Kaitlyn dared him to putt "nakey."  We don't exactly have Rhodes Scholars on this season, do we?

Everything was going great until Kaitlyn brought up Hans.  Kaitlyn claimed "the last thing she wanted to do was bring up Nick."  Mrs. Wags, master of common sense, pondered why bringing up Hans was the first thing she did?  

Kaitlyn continued to stir the pot by revealing that Hans spilled the beans about UG being an eskimo brother with a country singer.  UG was so upset that he didn't even make Kaitlyn breakfast, but rather went straight to confront Hans.

UG confronted Hans and right away said "you're the last person I want to see right now."  If Mrs. Wags had not gone to bed ten minutes ago, she would have pondered why UG did, in fact, make Hans the first person he saw.  

Rose Ceremony

After a Harrison consultation, Kaitlyn was ready to have her mid-episode rose ceremony.  Instead, she started crying and couldn't do what she had to do (send Role Models Ben home).  

After more Harrison (thank you Fleiss & Co.), roses went to:

Hans

Ugly Gosling

Do not worry Role Models Ben.  While may be an exit from this season, it is just the beginning of your special relationship with Chris Harrison, Neil Lane, and twenty five of ladies that are all going to pretend to want to marry you.  

Utah?

Kaitlyn left Ireland and arrived in Utah to meet both Hans's and UG's families.  No hometowns?  Now I'm completely thrown off by what this season stands for.  If they tell me there will not be Neil Lane, I might write a handwritten complaint letter to ABC.

Hans's Family

While Hans expressed his love for Kaitlyn out in front of the resort, his family was up in a hotel room getting ready to stage an intervention to prevent him from going further.

Upon entry in the room, we learned that Hans's family was the original Jon and Kate Plus Eight.  Once his parents found out that Hans was in the final two guys, they all reeled in terror.  His family is rather pessimistic, but I'm not sure why the track record of relationships on this show would give them any reason to be concerned.  

After some family interviews, the Hanses seemed cautiously optimistic.

Ugly Gosling's Family

Kaitlyn said she was not nervous to meet UG's two sisters because "sisters are her jam," as she has six step-sisters and one "real" sister.  OUCH.  Sorry evil step-sisters.  

Kaitlyn met much of UG's family, but his mom "couldn't make it."  Hmmmm.  This usually signifies that something complicated is going on.  Since I don't do any research outside the two television hours of this show, I guess I'll never find out (please help me out on this one, Mrs. Dugan).  

UG's sisters like Kaitlyn quite a bit.  At this moment, I wish Britt had been the Bachelorette because she would make the worst impressions on the families.  Kaitlyn, on the other hand, always seems to make good first impressions.  

I wrote too soon.  UG's dad wants to know "what the hell is going on, because this is nuts."  UG calmed Mr. Ugly Sr.'s fears by saying that he loves Kaitlyn.  

The show ended with Kaitlyn's tears because she just doesn't know what to do.  She cares so much about both guys.  

Until two weeks from now, when we find out who will be the champ....

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 9: Erin Go Gragh Edition

"Erin go Bragh" means Ireland Forever...and it seems like we have been in Ireland forever. We begin with Kaitlyn lamenting the loss of Dr. Harris, DDS. Really? We are going to pretend like he was a loss?

Role Models Ben and The Bachelor Tryout w/ Irish Whiskey

Role Models Ben rows Kaitlyn to a private island where they return to a tried and true Bachelor shtick: hide-and-seek. Oh, you don't remember past hide and seek events? What about Farmer Chris and Andi in the Carribean? What about Farmer Chris at home in Iowa? Ok, now let's think about the last time you played hide-and-seek on a date? Oh, never? Me neither. Is this show produced by 5 yr olds?

Kaitlyn asks the QOTS during some late night time with Ben: "You seem like husband material. Do I seem like wife material?” Actually, no.

Role Models Ben discusses his last girlfriend and questions if he is lovable. 

Ben drops this quote - “this relationship makes me a better person” - which caused me to reflexively google image search the word "gag." I immediately regret that choice. Kaitlyn questions Role Models Ben's virginity but won't be able to take his v card as Ben jumps to the lead of most likely Bachelor.

Group Date with American Pharoah, Ugly Gosling and Hans w/ Irish Whiskey

The men leave Chris Quinn Jared to work on his facial hair while they drink more Irish Whiskey. Ugly Gosling grabs quick one-on-one time and Kaitlyn is struggling with her desire to build trust with UG while keeping the Hans Hanky Panky from him.  Ugly Gosling is oblivious to the bomb about to be dropped.

Hans interrupts and they immediately begin discussing the consequences of their escapade. Kaitlyn doesn't regret their night together: “I’m a grown woman. I can do what I want.” Oh really, Cartman?

American Pharoah is on the outside looking in and needs to make up ground on the home stretch. It's good to see Fleiss & Co. still read the blog as they cut to wild horses before American Pharaoh's one-on-one time.

You know what's not a good response when you profess your love to a women: "It’s really flattering.” Ouch. Send American Pharaoh to the ol' Barbaro Glue Factory because he is done. 

She cuts him and it gets awkward.

AP: “What do I do now?”

Kaitlyn: “Whatever you have to do.”

AP: "I'm not saying shit to you now."

With AP gone, it's time for Ugly Gosling to hear the truth about Hans. UG is fairly calm, cool and collected in the face of  Kaitlyn's confession. 

Rose Ceremony Time 

Hans, Chris Quinn Jared, Ugly Gosling and Role Models Ben take a horse drawn carriage to the gallows for one of them. UG gets the first rose and needs some reassuring. Kaitlyn snares Ugly Gosling followed by next Bachelor Role Models Ben and Hans.

Say goodbye to Chris Quinn Jared.

Great tweet by @Millsy11374: Neil Lane was NEVER going to allow man named Jared to get close to the end. Never. #TheBachelorette

Cork One on One with Hans and Irish Whiskey

Kaitlyn and Hans enter another church and Hans explains the sacrament of confession. Isn't it ironic...don't you think? Perhaps they'll end the season with a step towards another sacrament. They leave church and head to a bar (good choice) to have some crack (errrr....craic) with the locals. 

Kaitlyn and Hans get along. They have a great connection. We get it. The most important fact we learn on this episode is that Ugly Gosling is eskimo brothers with a famous country singer?

Whenever I have the option to pick a country singer...GEORGE JONES!

Until next week when teh Ugly Gosling/Hans dual finally boils over.

The Bachelorette(s) Episodie 8: Confessions?

Padre Dugan, it has been 15 years since my last confession.  I write to you today to ask forgiveness.  I have filled my mind with impure thoughts.  For the last week, I have been reading a book that has sullied my thoughts (and probably decreased my already mediocre IQ.  I have read 75 pages, and I am feeling worse about myself by the minute.  For this, I must confess reading:

First Edition

As my penance, I will self-assign whiskey and ice cream only one night a week for the next three weeks.  

Speaking of confessions, let's see if our Bachelorette Kaitlyn has anything she wants to tell the other guys. 

Back in Dublin, the show picked up with Ugly Gosling in Kaitlyn's hotel room.  Ugly Gosling seems like he's seen a few too many rom-coms, and directly asks Kaitlyn, "Are you in love with me?  Yes or no."  Along with his Southern accent, dashing hair, and Johnny Cash all-black suit, he looks right out of Sweet Home Alabama.  

Is Ryan Gosling actually Ugly Josh Lucas?  

A great moment in the hotel room occurred when Ugly and Kaitlyn were making out.  It looked very emotional and heartfelt until the camera panned out and revealed that Ugly had a Bud Heavy beer bottle in his hand.  Nothing says "let's get it on" like an American Lager make out session.  

Kaitlyn would not stop crying.  She felt terrible about herself because she slept with Hans.  This feels like an unnecessary self sl^t shaming.  Be good to yourself, Kaitlyn.  

2 on 1 Date with American Pharaoh Joe and Federal Prisoner JJ

It's always great to have two guys on the 2 on 1 date that have no chance to win the show.  Anything can happen.  The awkwardness started early and promised to happen often.  Federal toasted to falling for Kaitlyn....and Pharaoh joined in the toast.

Thankfully, this date showed off the natural beauty of Ireland.  While the Guinness Factory is nice for a beer and a view, give me the rolling Irish hills any day.

Federal JJ dropped a bomb that will get him kicked off in a few short minutes.  "Three years ago, I cheated on my wife."  It's been nice knowing you, creep.  Federal has been shady from the very beginning.  Now I'm starting to wonder how he got out of prison.

Federal Agents Mad Cause I'm Flagrant

As predicted, Federal JJ got sent home.  Kaitlyn used the easy Bachelor/ette excuse that he should go home because he "has a beautiful daughter at home."  How does Kaitlyn know if she's beautiful?

After making him wait until the evening, American Pharaoh got the rose.  (I'm having a really difficult time spelling "pharaoh."  It was already a challenging word to spell, and then the misspelled horse American Pharoah came along).  

Thanks Autocorrect

Back at the house, Ugly Gosling was freaking out again.  This type of guy is on every season.  He's the guy who is the favorite, lacks self-confidence, and has apparently never seen an episode of the Bachelorette because he seems surprised that they can't end the show after three weeks and just pick him.

Ugly arrived, once again, at Kaitlyn's hotel room.  In a poetic moment, Ugly sat down ON THE SAME GROSS MAKEOUT COUCH that she hooked up with Hans on.  And, once again, Kaitlyn did not have to confess to her Hanssex.  I am really hoping that the sex reveal doesn't happen until the After the Final Rose episode. 

Mid-Episode Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

Role Models Ben, possibly making his pitch for being the next Bachelor, maturely pointed out that Kaitlyn had a connection with another guy while she was supposed to be focused on him.  Role Models "didn't want to know any details," but said that he wants to make sure she's still into him.  Well played.  Unlike Ugly, Role Models knows how this show works.  

Kaitlyn confronted Hans and asked him not to tell any of the other guys about their saucy night together.  Hans, the master manipulator, cried on command and said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.  

I guess we're just going to have to get used to this season's lack of structure.  It's minute 75 of the episode and time to hand out some more roses.  Joining Hans, Chris Quinn Jared, and American Pharaoh with a rose was: 

Role Models Ben

Dr. Harris DDS (I would have bet, and lost, my house that he was going home tonight)

Ugly Gosling

Goodbye Tanner Dog and Trainer Ben.  Tanner Dog was no shocker, but Trainer Ben?!  Losing to Dr. Harris has to hurt.  

I was just thinking out loud that Kaitlyn sure seems to be hard on herself.  Then Mrs. Wags pointed out that she did i.t. on national TV.  I guess that can't be easy to emotionally handle.

Off to Killarney 

The cast and crew left for Killarney in a big bus.  Kaitlyn and Chris Quinn drove separately in a sedan, with Kaitlyn doing the driving.  Driving in Ireland is narrow and no joke.  

Like I said, no joke

Kaitlyn and Chris Quinn stopped off to kiss the Blarney stone.  Was that the real Blarney stone?  It looked like the side of a castle wall.  I now realize that I have no idea what the Blarney stone is.  

They arrived in Killarney, and apparently that counted as a solo date for Chris Quinn.  Too bad for him.  

A Twist

Harrison visited Kaitlyn in her hotel room to inform her of another format change.  Usually, the final 4 guys get hometown dates, and then the final 3 get the fantasy suite.  Harrison proposed that they have the fantasy suites with 3 guys next week and then the final 2 get hometowns.  As some people say, the rules were made to be broken (and if you are one of those people, you're off my jury).  

Solo Date: Dr. Harris DDS

I just accidentally watched a commercial for The Whispers again.  Nightmares in 3, 2, 1...

The date began with some uncomfortable kissing and a helicopter ride to the Cliffs of Moher.  

Get it?

Before the picnic on the cliffs even got going, Kaitlyn sent Dr. Harris home.  She left him out on the very tip of the Cliffs (where the smallest Jay Mohr head is).  There are NO roads that lead out there.  It's probably at least a five mile hike to the parking lot.  For Dr. Harris's sake, I hope that helicopter comes back to pick him up.  

Until next week, when we might get some real confessions...

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 7: Hans' Dublin Sleepover

We have multiple tvs set up in the Dugan house tonight for the Bachelorette and the USWNT. While the USA sailed to a 2-0 victory, tonight’s episode offered some rocky moments for Kaitlyn and her gaggle.

Rose Ceremony and Hit & Run Ian’s Fatal Accident

We continue with the San Antonio Rose Ceremony where Hit & Run Ian’s crash and burn is picking up from last week. Ian decides to trash the guys while lauding his credentials as a potential Bachelor. He then decides to take on Kaitlyn head on accusing her of only being on the show “to make out with a bunch of dudes.”

Digging himself deeper, Ian calls Kaitlyn “shallow.” He then laments the loss of vulnerable Kaitlyn who Farmer Chris left in shambles. He’s not interested in a self confidant and funny woman. This little window into his criticisms revealed a lot about our friend Hit & Run Ian. Ian doesn’t think humor is important. He’s also still single. Perhaps it’s more important than Ian realizes.

Ian calls himself the following:

“Too deep a thinker” 

“Too self aware” 

“Interesting” 

“Punished for being an intellectual”

“Destined to be the Bachelor”

Hold on there, Baba Looey. 

You went too far with that last one. Let’s check in with fellow Princeton alumni for their reaction?

Sorry Ian, You Tiger Now

As for the rest of the roses, we already know that Hans, Ugly Gosling, and Role Models Ben are safe.

Dr. Harris DDS, who the show calls Cupcake, dropped the oddest QOTN: “There’s a reason they call Texas the Wild West because things are getting out of hand.”

Do they call Texas the Wild West? Ummm. Ok. Joining them in rose safety?

• Chris Quinn
• Dr. Harris DDS
• Federal JJ
• American Pharoah
• Trainer Ben
• Tanner Dog

Goodbye Other Trainer Justin and Welder Josh – The two men most in need of a haircut are given the close shave and try to catch up with Ian’s limo on its way to Bachelor in Paradise.

We’re off to Dublin

In Dublin's fair city,

Where the girls are so pretty,

I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone,

As she wheeled her wheel-barrow,

Through streets broad and narrow,

Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"

"Alive, alive, oh,

Alive, alive, oh,"

Crying "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh".

She was a fishmonger,

But sure 'twas no wonder,

For so were her father and mother before,

And they wheeled their barrows,

Through the streets broad and narrow,

Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"

(chorus)

She died of a fever,

And no one could save her,

And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone.

But her ghost wheels her barrow,

Through streets broad and narrow,

Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"

Nick’s Overnight Date

Kaitlyn and Nick wear matching yoga pants and enjoy some of Dublin’s famous sites and sounds including St. Stephen’s Green, Grafton Street, river dance and pubs. Matching Claddagh rings were purchased as Hans settles in as the favorite. We have a lot of kissing and Jameson’s. Dugan’s going to go on record here: Irish Whiskey does not help you make good decisions.

Not designed by Neil Lane

I question why this handsy couple is in a church. I assume it must be a Protestant church but later Hans reports it was one of our friends headed by the Bishop of Rome.

The rest of the date goes like this:

The next morning, we get a Mesnick from Kaitlyn. She’s fluctuating between and not for her night spent with Hans. "I felt like we deserved that time together”

Chemistry. Check.

Emotions. Check. 

Passion. Check.

Favorite. Check.

In Kaitlyn’s defense, she offers a pretty strong defense: “I’ve never dated this many guys.”

Group Wake with Tanner Dog, Trainer Ben, Ugly Gosling, Role Models, Dr. Harris, and Chris Quinn.

The men arrive to find Kaitlyn in a coffin and they most offer eulogies. 

Morbid. Check.

Weird. Check.

Other things to do in Dublin. Might have us here, Fleiss & Co.

Some notes for the rest of this group date.

• Tanner Dog goes self-deprecating.
• Chris Quinn grabs a kiss.
• Dr. Harris sings Danny Boy.
• Role Models Ben went for humor.
• Ugly Gosling goes after Hans.
• Trainer Ben kicks the guys out and gets too serious.
• The Guinness Storehouse serves as the Wake After Party
• Jared gets the rose.
• Gosling is starting to crack under the pressure. 
• Fleiss & Co. let us behind the scenes and show Gosling talking to his show handler.
• The Cranberries are Kaitlyn’s favorite band. The Cranberries are anyone’s favorite band? Let me google them….they’ve sold over 40 MILLION ALBUMS?
• Gosling wants to have his Hans moment and we have to wait until next week to find out.

Mrs. Dugan drops my quote of the night: “There’s more to Ireland than churches and booze.”

Oh really?

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 6: Hans the Heel

So I was just doing a little research about ice cream.  I found out that King Tang of Shang invented ice cream.  I then figured that his name required at least a cursory google image search.  Much to my delight, here he is:

The Next Bachelor

How badly do I want his hat?  The answer: very badly.  I wish more contestants on the Bachelor wore more creative clothing like this.  How many monochromatic v-necks can we handle?  Tonight, let's be inspired by King Tang and get weird.  Without further ado, it's Hans time....

Hans

Hans arrived to meet the guys and received a predictably chilly reception.  Tanner Dog broke the ice by noting that the tabloids said Hans hung out with Andi a few weeks ago.  Though the guys are not allowed to watch TV or make phone calls, apparently they are allowed to read all issues of US Weekly and People.  

Welder Josh then tried to take on Hans.  The Welder seemed troubled by Hans calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick," while he sees her as an "amazing woman."  It seems like a nit picky distinction.  Mrs. Wags observed that Welder Josh is an "industrial" welder and is used to dealing with massive tools.  Boom Hans.  

Cocktail Party

All of the guys went to Citi Field for the cocktail party.  Citi Field is used to housing baseball players that are losers, so it should accommodate the Bachelorette contestants with ease.  

Speaking of losers, Federal JJ decided to run around the bases carrying Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn asked to touch "home base."  Not much baseball in Canada, eh?

Ugly Gosling, deeply troubled and unnecessarily threatened by Hans, told Kaitlyn that he wished she were smarter and should not have brought Hans back.  Since when is intelligence a valued trait on this show?  (Sidenotes: Mrs. Wags pointed out that the ugly duckling became the swan in the end.  Also, clams have the highest amount of iron of any food.  She's having trouble focusing).  

Mid-show Rose Ceremony

In the freezing cold polar vortex rose ceremony, Chris Harrison made the briefest appearance in recent memory.  Joining Dr. Harris DDS, Justin, and Chris Quinn with roses was:

Role Models Ben

Trainer Ben

Ugly Gosling

Tanner Dog

American Pharaoh Joe

Hit n Run Ian

Federal Prisoner JJ

Welder Josh

Hans

Ice skating back to the hotel roseless was Detroit Jonathan, Realtor Ryan, and One of the Two Coreys.

In an effort to get out of the heat (and save some production money), Fleiss & Co. decided to take the show to San Antonio. I can't wait to learn about San Antonio, because all I know right now is the river walk, the Alamo, and Tim Duncan.  

Solo Date #1: Role Models Ben

Welder Josh saw them drive off on their date and said he really missed his truck.  I feel similarly about my car.

Kaitlyn drove Role Model to a classic dance hall in order to learn how to dance.  Later that night, they were scheduled to dance in a two-step competition later that night.  I hope Role Models takes to dancing better than me.  After two months of dance lessons in preparation for Mrs. Wags and my first dance, I still biffed it.  

The live band thankfully played songs that included instructions in the words (slow....quick, quick....slow).  I love songs that have dance instructions.

The date continued to a rooftop dinner.  With the requisite amount of Chardonnay and a strong rooftop breeze, Role Model opened up about past relationships. When asked if he's ready for commitment since he's only 26, Role Models responded that there's always a lot of fear when starting a relationship. Really?  Fear?  I only experience fear when watching a preview of The Whispers or when Lebron drives to the hoop.

Role Models earned the date rose.

Group Date: Justin, Chris Quinn Jared, Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, Tanner Dog, American Pharaoh Joe, Federal JJ, Trainer Ben, Welder Josh, and Hans

The date started off with a 12 year old mariachi singer named Sebastian De La Cruz serenading Kaitlyn.  I thought he looked familiar.  I was right.  Remember this?

Kaitlyn challenged the guys to mariachi serenade her.  It was a given that they were all going to be terrible.  At least they all gave max effort.  

The evening portion of the date was at a ranch house.  Welder Josh decided to let Kaitlyn cut his hair. Kaitlyn, apparently a very amateur barber, may never work for Vidal Sassoon, but she definitely could be the best stylist at SuperCuts.  

Welder Josh decided to air his Hans-grievances with Kaitlyn.  Experienced fans know this is the kiss-of-death.  

When Kaitlyn entered the room to confront the guys, all of them stood up.  Though this is probably out of respect, it would be awesome to have Chris Harrison standing by as the Bachelorette-Bailiff.  When Kaitlyn enters the room, Harrison booms "All rise.  Hear Ye. Hear Ye.  I present the Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe.  You may be seated."  

With Neil Lane as Judge Harry Crane

Kaitlyn gave the date rose to Hans, almost taunting the other guys.  

Solo Date #2: Ugly Gosling

If you're wondering why Mrs. Wags has not chimed in recently, it's because she's been asleep for the last hour.  

The date was kayaking down the river.  Kaitlyn said she had never been kayaking before.  This was shocking to me at first, but then I realized that maybe I've just been brought up so privileged to think that everyone has kayaked of course.  This requires a poll for me to sort out my life.  

Have you ever kayaked?

Yes

No

 

pollcode.com free polls

On the date, Ugly Gosling revealed that he got in a bad car accident, barely survived, and recently started wearing seat belts.  Ugly confessed that it's hard to let your guard down and fall in love.  I just had a weird realization:  this show feels like a romantic comedy; almost scripted.  Do you think it's possible that the contestants on this show are all aspiring actors?  Nah.  Neil Lane would never allow it.  

To no one's surprise, Ugly Gosling got a date rose.  

Back at the House

Wasting no time, Hit n Run Ian delivered the QOTN: "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton graduate, former model, that defied death and has been around the world a couple times." Maybe she's looking for a guy with some humility.  You don't hear Ugly Gosling bragging about how he once beat 10 levels of Candy Crush in one day.  

Cocktail Party #2

Chris Quinn Jared said he's falling in love with Kaitlyn.  It sure seems like guys are pulling the love-trigger a little early this season.  

Hit n Run Ian topped of his previous QOTN with another dandy: "I have a lot of sex."  Well then.  

Hit n Run decided to go out with "guns blazing."  He told Kaitlyn that he's done with guys making "fart jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes."  He then called her shallow and accused her of having nothing below the surface.  

For the fourth week in a row...to be continued until next week.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 5 Recap: The Gif that Keeps on Giving

We pick up this episode where we left the last. Tension building in the house and most of it dealing with Clint/Thor. Every guy but Federal JJ appears to be narcing on Thor and our Bachelorette has had enough.

It boils down to this for Kaitlyn: “This is not someone I want to marry.” Thor is out the door and Kaitlyn explains it to the guys. Out of nowhere, JJ thrusts the knife into Thor’s back demanding he apologize to the guys.

Et tu, Federal JJ?

While it was tough to see the bromance breakup, the parting shot was a highlight. Thor insulted Federal JJ’s tie on the way out! Ouch.

Kaitlyn needs more time and the rose ceremony is cancelled. It’s time to hit the road and New York, New York is stop No. 1.

New York Rap Battle

It’s a Group Date with Detroit Jonathon, Other Trainer Justin, Trainer Ben, Realtor Ryan, One of the Two Coreys, Tanner Dog, Federal JJ, and The Ugly Gosling.

Doug E. Fresh is introduced as The World’s Greatest Entertainer. I start to question that moniker until I realize he sang la di da di AND he’s hosting the Bachelor/ette’s first Rap Battle. If there’s something Wags and I know as well as the Bachelor/ette, it’s Rap Battles. Living in the mean streets of 7 1/3 will do that to you.

We lived here. Seriously. 7 1/3 for life.

And we saw 8 mile in the theaters.

Ugly Gosling v. Other Trainer Justin

Coreys v. JJ

Ben v. Tanner Dog

Detroit Jonathan v. Realtor Ryan

Rap Battle Highlights:

• Fed JJ has never listened to any rap. This is an absurd statement. Never? Not even accidentally? Not in a movie soundtrack? He then makes another, almost as absurd statement: he prefers broadway show tunes. How’d that work out in prison, JJ? I bet he kept that to himself. I’ve seen Orange is the New Black, so I know what its like to be in prison.
• This is by far the whitest and highest percentage women crowd in rap battle crowd history.
• The crowd does include one male, Hans.
• And Mrs. Dugan points out who Hans is with. The Maculate Virgin. This is a hall of fame nickname couple.
• Kaitlyn dropped a funny line about it being the first rap battle with two guys in khakis.
• The guys have an after party on a boat. My favorite rappers on a boat? Easy call.

The night fell flat as the guys began to fear Hans entering the fray. Most of the guys did not approve, Other Trainer Justin didn’t mind and that secured the rose.

Hans and Maculate Virgin were not the only cameos as Crazy Ashley jumps in to offer thoughts on Hans. She was surprisingly lucid.

Hans Nick B. Rain Cloud

One on One with Chris Quinn Jared

We get formal clothing and The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Sadly, my photoshop of the old Jordan v. Bird video game is more exciting than this date.

A Neil Lane reference tugs at our emotions, and we get a helicopter ride.

Chris Quinn: “You’ve never been on a helicopter?”

Kaitlyn:  “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Why is that not shocking despite Kaitlyn’s lengthy run on the Bachelor? Were they going to show sweeping views of Arlington, Iowa?

Broadway Group Date

Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, American Pharoah, Welder Josh, and Role Models Ben have to sing and dance and act to get on the main Aladdin stage.

“Oh Dear God” from Welder Josh is my QOTN.

Highlights

• American Pharoah is similarly concerned and absolutely becoming a Dugan favorite. He has no chance to win but I want him to go far.
• Mrs. Dugan pointed out ABC’s cross-promotional reach having Scandal’s Cyrus Beane judge the Disney play auditions. Beane dropped this when reviewing Dr. Harris DDS: “I don’t think he’s mocking it. I just don’t think he knows what he’s doing”

• Dr. Harris gets the rose and teaches us that the New Year’s Even Times Square Ball is the Centerpiece of the universe. It is?

Justin, Chris Quinn, and Dr. Harris are safe. And so is everyone else since rose ceremonies don’t happen anymore. Until next week when Hans busts in the group.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 4 Recap: Two Days Late, Many Dollars Short

Dear Fans,

The four of you are probably wondering why this week's recap is two days late.  I apologize, as I was on vacation in New York.  Strangely, it was impossible to convince my family on the East coast to allow a few hours on our long weekend trip to blog the Bachelorette.  They did not want to see how the sausage is made.  Speaking of sausage, let's watch the show.

Sincerely,

Wags (with ice cream and whiskey in hand)


We resume this week with the Human Meltdown, King Kupah.  While he was screaming in the driveway about how the process was not for him, he unleashed a QOTN nominee, "[This process] might be for Cupcake."  It would not be the first time a guy nicknamed Cupcake had done well on the Bachelorette.  Please refer back to 2011.  Dugan and I have been at this for a long time, and we're not getting any younger.

From our college days

Last Week's Rose Ceremony Continued

After King Kupah left not-so-quietly, Kaitlyn (the second most popular reality show Kaitlyn/Caitlyn this week), had to get back to business.  Chris Quinn Jared boggled my mind when he said, "nobody doesn't want to see Kaitlyn anymore."  It is an even harder statement to understand when written down.  His declaration might have given me a mild concussion.  

Roses went to:

Chris Quinn Jared (Second guy on the show with a shiner)

Role Models Ben H.

Ugly Gosling Shawn

Detroit Jonathan

Tanner Dog

Dr. Harris, DDS

Realtor Ryan

Justin (Maybe also has a black eye?  Fleiss & Co. really blew it with the boxing challenge)

Hit and Run Ian

Welder Josh

American Pharaoh Joe

One of the Two Coreys

Tony The Dude (I thought he was going home for sure.  He was happy to go home to his bonsai trees (he really said this).  The Dude then deeply stated, "I see the world through the eyes of a child, have the heart of a warrior, and a gypsy soul."  For those keeping track at home, we're 12:30 into the show and we have ANOTHER QOTN nominee.)

Joining King Kupah in the goodbye limo was Fashion Designer Daniel and The Other Corey That Has a Daughter and Needs to Get Home to Her.  

Now this week's episode can finally begin with...

SUMO WRESTLING!!!

Group Date #1: Dr. Harris, DDS, Tony The Healer (Mrs. Wags thought the sumo wrestler pronouncing his name said Donny.  I thought he said Thonny.  But that's not a real name), Federal JJ, Ugly Gosling, Clint, and American Pharaoh Joe 

While the theme of this season seems to be how much Fleiss and Co. can physically abuse the guys, at least Trainer Ben is not on the date to destroy the guys.  

Once Federal Prisoner JJ got in his sumo underpants, he showed off a rather large shoulder tattoo.  I know where he got it:

Prison

The guys had to take on sumo wrestlers that were supposedly real and supposedly good.  I say "supposedly," because what are they doing on a reality show in LA if they're good?  I have a feeling Lebron and Curry don't do reality shows in Finland.

Predictably, the guys got demolished.  The Dude thought he was going to dominate, but he not only got slapped around, but the sumo guy laughed at him while slapping him in the head.  It was thoroughly embarrassing.  The Dude then got in an argument with Kaitlyn about all of the aggressive challenges.  

As the The Dude's drama dragged on, I continued to ponder Federal Prisoner JJ's tattoos.  I now believe they look less prisoner-y and more:

I think I see this guy on my commute

The date continued with the guys in a round-robin sumo tournament.  Thor Clint lived up to his nickname and dominated the competition.  The Dude decided to skip the contest and then head home to his bonsai trees.  But before he left, he wanted one last word with Kaitlyn (i.e. one last opportunity to prove that he is Bachelor in Paradise material).  Without much of a fight, Kaitlyn let The Dude go home.

Maybe I want a bonsai house

Ugly Gosling made the wise choice to avoid any date drama, and he earned the date rose for it.

Solo Date #1: Trainer Ben

The date, planned by Chris Harrison, took them to a mysterious warehouse.  At first, they were locked in a room with pigeons.  First, gross.  Second, Kaitlyn is scared of birds.  Third, can you really be scared of birds if you have these tattoos?

Put a bird on it

Kaitlyn shuddered at the sound  of birds.  Once inside the room, the birds seemed like the least of their concerns.  They were in a room of horrors; severed limbs, ghosts, blood.  Somehow, it kind of reminded me of Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I loved this show.

Eventually, they got out of the house.  It was never really in question because if the going got tough, Trainer Ben could just punch a hole through the wall.

After revealing that he has not cried in eleven years, Trainer Ben got the date rose.  Prediction: Trainer Ben will cry for the first time in eleven years on this season of the Bachelorette.

Group Date #2: Detroit Jonathan, Role Models Ben, Welder Josh, Realtor Ryan, Chris Quinn Jared, and Tanner Dog

The last date of the episode started in a elementary school sex ed classroom.  Needless to say, this was not my experience at Catholic junior high.  The only rule I knew growing up was to leave room for the Holy Spirit.

The runaway QOTN winner came from Welder Josh: "Everything I learned about sex was from watching our cows."

The guys started teaching anatomy, and all of the kids seemed grossed out.  The class atmosphere got a little strange during the Q&A with the students.  The kids started asking questions that were pretty advanced.  And by "advanced," I mean "I can't print any of them in our lightly-read blog."  

It turned out that the guys and the viewers were actually being pranked.  The kids were all child actors made to ask these uncomfortable questions.  I guess it was okay that they were child actors, but it kind of reminded me of Vice's Kids Telling Dirty Jokes videos (I laugh at them, and then feel bad).  

Back at the house, Fleiss & Co. convinced Thor Clint and Federal Prisoner JJ to pretend that they might be falling in love with each other, an obvious ploy to get attention from US Weekly.  

On the date, Kaitlyn had a slow dance on a corporate building roof (Bachelor staple) with Chris Quinn.  She said he's the most manly in the house.  Nothing says manly like a guy that can't grow and beard and wears flair to work.  Much to Quinn's surprise, Role Models Ben got the date rose.

The Second Rose Ceremony

(Unrelated side note: I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight after accidentally watching a commercial for the new ABC horror show The Whispers).

Thor Clint became one of the more unique villains in reality dating show history by admitting that he has no interest in Kaitlyn, but continuing to pursue her because he wants to stay on the show in order to hang out more with Federal Prisoner JJ.  

All of the guys dished on Thor Clint.  Kaitlyn went to confront him for more drama, and then....

...continued to next week.

Until next week, when Dugan continues to sell the drama.

Did you know today is Mrs. Dugan's birthday?

Yes

Well, it is.

Poll Maker