The Bachelorette Episode 8: Dallas First, Fantasy Later

In this penultimate* blog post and my last post of the season, I am going big: Old Potrero Straight Rye and mint chip ice cream.  I also wanted to take a moment to compliment Fleiss & Co. on a successful season.  The characters on the show this season did not fit into simple stereotypes.  They have an African-American bachelorette that likes white men.  They had an African-American contestant (Will) that doesn't like African-American women.  And there was an African-American contestant (Eric No Ties) that has never even had a girlfriend of any race.

*Confession, I had to look up "penultimate" to make sure I was using it correctly.  Like the word "condone," I can never quite remember what it means off the top of my head.

Enough compliments for Fleiss & Co., it's time to go to Spain and accept Mr. Harrison's date card offer...

But before the big trip, the guys went to Dallas to face Rachel's family.  Will we get to meet her dad, the famous, mysterious judge?  All judges around the country are anxiously watching to find out.

Peter Badger got to meet Rachel's family first.  Before going into Rachel's parents' Dallas mansion with GIANT doors, Badger said he was falling in love with her.  She replied, "I'm falling in love with you too."  Whoa.  We Bachelor historians call this a "BHigg."  Past Bachelor Ben Higgins told two women he was in love.

Justice Kagan was especially sad to learn that Judge Rachel's Dad could not be there to meet any of the men.  I love that he continues to refuse to be on the show.  Thankfully, Rachel's sister Constance is willing show up.  It's good to have her back.  She's one of the best Bachelor siblings, even if she is married to this guy:

Peter Badger, still nervous about committing to Rachel, did not ask for Mrs. Lindsay's permission to marry her.  She tried to spin this as a good thing, but I'm not convinced.  He seems like he is going to crumble as the show continues.  

Eric No Ties got the next opportunity with the Lindsays.  Unfortunately for No Ties, I think his biggest obstacle to winning Rachel's heart is that his fashion-beard is the patchiest of the three remaining men.  Mr. Harrison requires cool beards if you want to be in the finale.  

This is how we do it.  

No Ties met Rachel's family.  They don't like him.  They don't think Rachel likes him.  It's too bad because he's easily my favorite.  Eric has made a strong push here in the end.

Eric asked Mrs. Lindsay for permission to marry Rachel.  Mrs. Lindsay said he had her blessing assuming Rachel was into him.  A very indirect yes at best.  

Bryan NipTuck was our final Dallas family introduction, but he was the first guy that got to meet Rachel's friends.  This is further proof that NipTuck is going to win it all.  

NipTuck got his "doctorate" at the University of Florida.  This is a double whammy.  First, chiropractors are not doctors.  Second, Gators are not welcome on this blog.  Right, Dugan?

At the Lindsay house, NipTuck is this season's no-one-talks-like-that-in-real-life guy.  I'll bet Tim Tebow is like this too.  Rachel's sister could sense NipTuck's BS style.

Marry my sister?

NipTuck described their relationship as an "expedited situation."  The more he talks, the weirder he gets.  

Mrs. Lindsay was also not so sure about NipTuck.

Marry my daughter?

NipTuck asked permission to marry Rachel.  Again, an indirect yes from Mrs. Lindsay.  Fleiss & Co. planted a seed doubt with NipTuck, but we can't be fooled.  He will win.

Finally, we're off to Spain.  There are only 45 minutes of the show left.  Maybe this is not the penultimate episode.  It could be the antepenultimate episode (I definitely had to look that one up).  

Eric No Ties got the first fantasy date.  Mr. Harrison, MIA on this episode, arranged for a helicopter.  Eric declared, "Big Rach.  Big E.  It's our time again."  

Wait, was Biggie rapping about the Bachelor?

The date started in the La Rioja region of Spain.  Then, they were near the ocean.  I did a quick google maps search to determine that the La Rioja region of Spain is landlocked.  Mrs. Wags refocused my attention to the TV, noting "If you spend all your time fact checking, you're going to miss them falling in love."  Mrs. Wags definitely believes in true love.

After reading the date card, No Ties delivered the QOTN.  Speaking about Mr. Harrison, No Ties said, "That guy...is awesome."

Peter Badger  was up next.  They went to a winery.  Raquel y Pedro received a wine cellar in Spain as a gift.  They each got a key.  Prediction: they are never going back there.  Mrs. Wags and I studied abroad in Madrid.  Since our time there, we have been to many other European countries, but never back to Spain.  It's a good thing we do not have a wine fridge waiting for us back in Madrid.  

In the evening portion of the date, Rachel said she's not in this to have a boyfriend.  Badger, on the other hand, believes that he only wants to be engaged in order to set a wedding date and start picking cake flavors.  And he said he's not ready to be Badger-style engaged with Rachel just yet.

Rachel thinks it may not work out...and....TO BE CONTINUED.  Please let there be more than 45 seconds of Neil Lane.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Hometowns!

This is the true story of five strangers, picked to live in a house, work together towards love and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite... and start getting real.

And you thought 90210 Dean was our last early 90s reference of the season! It's not even the last in this week's recap (see below)! This is my favorite episode of the season because it actually featured real emotions and actual conflict. The show is heavily scripted and very rarely do we get honesty, but this episode brought it on each and every hometown date. Let's get to the dates...

Baltimore with Eric

Screw Babe Ruth, Baltimore's Greatest Ballplayer

I get it. Most of you think about The Wire when you see the mean streets of Baltimore. I think about Eddie Murray. You take the Wire. I'll take Eddie Murray. We'll see who gets more Baltimore street cred.

Eric brings Rachel to a neighborhood court to shoot hoops. Note the rope nets. For something to be sufficiently hood, they need chain nets or no nets. This court is bougie. Luckily, a friend comes by to hammer home the Horatio Alger backstory. Did you know the Horatio Alger Myth was popularized by his book Ragged Dick?

Nevertheless, Eric chose school and basketball over drugs and crime. We get to meat Eric's dad and a BUNCH of women! An aunt brings up an honest question about race that Rachel handles with aplomb. Rachel knows she’s going to upset people no matter what so she might as well pick the one she likes best. Seems genuine.

We see a glimpse of Eric's issues with both parents. Eric’s mom basically said she needed him to be more independent than the rest of the men in their family and her distance was strategic. Eric's dad was more vague about his distance but regret was in the air.

From the toast to the goodbye, Eric felt very comfortable with Rachel and I kept thinking: where has this Eric been all season? I missed one episode? What the hell happened last week to transform Eric?

Nip Tuck in Miami

Not Really

I have to give Nip Tuck some credit because he brought Rachel to Domino Park on Calle Ocho, a more authentic version of Miami than touristy Miami Beach. Dugan lived very close during law school. The producers built the tension starting last week. Mrs. Nip Tuck was going to be cast as the overbearing Latin Mother.

She gave a toast to Nip Tuck: “the most precious thing I have in my life…” and burst into TEARS. However, she never lived up to the Monster-in-Law billing. In discussion with her son, she reasonably shared skepticism about the process of finding a wife so quickly and on TV. When talking with Rachel, she wanted her to know how important family was, and most important, Nip Tuck's happiness: “If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.”

Despite that quote, mom was sweet and Nip Tucks's favorite status is secure.

Badger welcomes a Warrior to Madison

We get to the second straight city where Tim and I have spent time together: Madison, Wisconsin. This show is made for us. Badger welcomes Rachel "home" to Wisconsin? Huh? And then you remember that Rachel is also a Wisconsin barred attorney. But, she's a Texan? Her father is a federal judge in Texas. 

Hmmm?

And then Dugan remembers that you don't have to take the Wisconsin Bar if you go to a Wisconsin law school...Rachel is a Marquette Warrior! She even interned with the Bucks.

We walk around a Farmer's Market and eventually meet the Badger's friends! Badger told Rachel that he has 10 main friends, 8 of which are black. That is really hard to do in Wisconsin! It's nearly a statistical impossibility to do so in Cottage Grove, Wisconsin with a black population of 2.5%. There is a story here that needs explaining. 

Rachel is concerned about Badger's pace. He doesn't understand that we are getting to the end which means a proposal and soon. Rachel is blunt: “I don’t want a boyfriend from all this.”

We Get Real with 90210

We get some incredible ups and downs in this Aspen, Colorado hometown. It was hard to find a more stark contrast to Eric's Baltimore basketball court than 90210's ATVs and Champagne. We soon fall from the clouds and realize 90210s life has enough drama for a Lifetime movie. At 15, he tragically lost his mother. His family broke apart in the aftermath, his father converted to the Sikh religion, and he changed his name to “Paramroop Singh Khalsa.” 90210 sadly brings the QOTN: “It means divinely beautiful and it’s a self given name….and also speaks a little bit about his character.” Pops also has a new wife, Satantar.

Walking up to the house, 90210 continues, “I am legitimately terrified. I’m not nervous. I’m terrified.” Remember folks, he’s going home! I keep thinking that this episode will do more damage to the pro-marijuana movement than Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III ever could hope to achieve.

We get the 90210/Paramroop discussion that's 11 years overdue. Paramroop rationalized that 90210 turned out great so he must have been a pretty good father. Not the strongest argument but it may have some merit. 90210 protests that his father was not present after his mother's death, that there was no moment of familial solidarity in the wake of the loss of their mother. 90210 actually complained that Paramroop was not "maternal". Paramroop admitted he made mistakes, but did the best he could to support the family. He wasn't a mom. He didn't how to be a mom. He had just lost his wife of 27 years. It was honest. It was hard to watch. It was the realest this show has been in years.

Full Disclosure: I'm all in on Paramroop. I'm down with the gong. My brother has a gong on his porch and I love it. Paramroop is a yoga teacher and I was late to this episode due to yoga class. What are the chances I end up like Paramroop? I say 4%?

Hometown Regroup with Harrison

Eric – new energy but concern that he's never been in love.
Nip Tuck – favorite stays the favorite. Only guy to say "love".
Badger – Holding back could be his demise.
90210 – Most surprising. From model to marriage?

For someone, the early 90s are about to hit home.



Nip Tuck is safe.
Eric is safe.
Badger v. 90210?

I'm sorry Kelly, Steve, David, Donna, Brandon, Dylan, Andrea and Brenda. Until next week when Tim returns with Rachel's family!

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Almost Home

After doing some brewery visits yesterday, I am not in the mood for whiskey.  Tonight will be ice cream only.  My inability to recover quickly from more than two beers makes me realize I'm not as young as I used to be.  Come to think of it, I don't recover very well from a large burrito, lifting weights, more than 20 minutes in the sun, or four hours of the Bachelorette in one week.  So let's start the show...a simple two hours of the Bachelorette powered by mint chip.

One more and I'm in trouble

The crew headed to beautiful Geneva, Switzerland.  I was trying to think of a Geneva Conventions joke, but it's very difficult to make up something about humanitarian treatment of non-combatants in a time of war.

This is the last week before hometowns.  As though we just started watching this show this season, every guy reminds us how important it is to get a one on one date.  

Solo Date #1: Nip Tuck Bryan

Nip Tuck, front runner from the first episode, got another solo date.  He's running away with this contest and can only lose if he has a secret (divorce, current girlfriend, strange friends on his hometown, makeout with a member of the production staff).

The date started with a drive in a Bentley.  Who cares?  Not me.  There's only one car that would get me feeling romantic.

Mrs. Wags said we could get one!!!

Nip Tuck seems like a major favorite, and the other guys know it.  

As predicted above, Nip Tuck's last girlfriend broke up with him because she didn't like his mom.  GET READY FOR NEXT WEEK!

We named our dog after this all-time crappy mom

Nip Tuck got a rose.

Solo Date #2: 90210 Dean

90210 was nervous because if he gets a rose, he brings her home to his family, and he doesn't get along with his family.  

90210's date started out with a trip to Catholic Mass.  If he's lucky, they will get donuts afterward.  And they DID!  Catholics everywhere love donuts!

Rachel told 90210 that she wants to learn more about his life and who he is.  90210 replied, "Do you believe in the tooth fairy?" and "What's your favorite dinosaur?"  He's almost trying not to get a rose. Also, my answers to his questions are "no" and "stegosaurus."

At dinner, Rachel confronted 90210 for being off all day.  Finally, 90210 came out and explained, "my family is not the kind of family you're going to want to see."  9-0 said his dad has become "quite a bit more eccentric."  Please give 9-0 a rose.  I really want to see what this guy is all about.  Annnnnd...yes he got a rose.  We now get Nip Tuck's mom and 9-0's dad.

See you next week!

Solo Date #3: Peter Badger

Badger and Rachel started the date with a jumping hug.  She might be the first African-American Bachelor/ette, but she's the 175th contestant to do jumping hugs.  

They took a helicopter and went dogsledding on "Glacier 3000."  

You say it's puppy love, I say it's full grown.

In the evening portion of the date, they had dinner in a well-lit palace at a tiny table.  Peter told some weird story about breaking up with his ex-girlfriend and he got all weepy about it.  Rachel, solid as a rock, thought it seemed a little off.  She's great at reading situations that are a little off in the moment they are happening.

Peter Badger got a rose.

Group Date: Eric No Ties, Happy Feet Matt, Adummy

Mrs. Wags drops the QOTN:  "These guys are all a waste of time...because they are all unattractive." 

Mrs. Wags follows up her QOTN with another gem: "They look like the guys who are the 'normal guys' in Cosmo magazine that answer dumb questions about what they look for in a lady: 'I love it when my girlfriend cooks me dinner.'"  

Adummy started off the date by asserting that his relationship with her is stronger than anyone else's in the house.  That's some irrational confidence.

They all took a boat ride to France.  Eric No Ties got some alone time and made some solid speeches to Rachel about how brave she is.  He announced that he's "not afraid anymore."

In his alone time, Happy Feet Matt got sent home.  Strangely, she walked him out and said goodbye with a few kisses on the lips.  That's an odd way to break up with someone.  I'm sad to see him go from a receding hairline perspective.  It's tough for me personally when a fellow member of the bald community gets his heart broken.  

The battle for 4th place ended with a rose for Eric No Ties.  Adummy is headed home.  

Looks like some pretty wild hometown dates next week!

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Keep it 100

So after Mrs. Wags dubbed Dean "90210," we started talking about how big of a fan she was of 90210.  Unlike Mrs. Wags, I have only seen a few episodes from the final few seasons.  In order to fully appreciate 90210 Dean's nickname, we decided we would watch all 292 episodes of "9-0."  Currently, we are on episode six and have already tackled cheating on quizzes, racism, shoplifting, and alcohol abuse.  Why didn't I watch this show in 1990?  Oh yeah, I was too busy watching every Will Clark at bat and Saved By The Bell.  Maybe we start a second blog recapping every 9-0 episode?  You with me Dugan?

Okay, enough about my hero Dylan, it's time to start hours three and four of the Bachelorette.  For this much Bach in one week, you know there's whiskey and ice cream.  

We resume the show with the 2-on-1 date with Kenny Boom and Robert E. Lee (remember, Dugan nicknamed this guy BEFORE anyone knew he was a racist).  

Fleiss and Co. love to have the 2-on-1 dates in the middle of nowhere.  It could be a glacier, but it's often in the wilderness and only reachable by helicopter or train.  

Rachel described the date as "informative."  That's a nice way of saying, "I am scared of both of you."     Rachel sent Robert E. Lee home, but did not give the rose to Kenny Boom.  She wanted to spend a little more time with him.  Stupidly, Kenny Boom did not get in the helicopter with Rachel and confronted Robert E. one more time.  

GET IN 

(In case it was not clear, I did all the artwork on that helicopter picture.)

In the evening portion of the date, guess who got the rose?

This guy

Mid-Episode Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony was at the "Losby Gods Manor."  I expected a couple surprise contestants to show up...

I miss Matthew

Josiah Satz came in extra confident a la Jack Stone.  Remember what happened to Jack Stone last night?  It's going to happen to Satz.

Joining Nip Tuck, Kenny Boom, Will Smith with roses was:

90210 Dean

Eric No Ties

Peter Badger

Russian Alex

Adummy

Happy Feet Matt

Goodbye Josiah Satz (as predicted) and Anthony (surprise). 

The group left Oslo and headed to Denmark.  Mrs. Wags and I were there fairly recently.  Pretty awesome place.   

1-on-1 Date: Eric No Ties

After much complaining and theorizing that Rachel is not interested in black guys, Eric finally got his solo date.  The date was in Copenhagen.  

After a short boat ride, they did some group hot tubbing.  Mrs. Wags and I did not do that.  We were too busy here.

The date continued at Tivoli, a kind of strange amusement park.  We went there and saw a Bellagio-style water show of the Nutcracker.  Very Euro.

Eric No Ties seems like a pretty cool dude, but I have a hard time believing she's going to go for a personal trainer.  On the other hand, there is Bachelorette precedent for picking a personal trainer.  

We know our Bachelorette history

Eric No Ties got a well-deserved rose.

Group Date: 90210 Dean, Kenny Boom, Nip Tuck, Russian Alex, Peter Badger, Happy Feet Matt, and Adummy

The date started with a viking ship rowboat trip.  When they arrived at their destination, they met with "Tom and Morton," viking fighting instructors.  The guys put on viking outfits, but they looked more like these guys:

They call me Tim

Adummy and Kenny Boom fought in the championship round.  Thankfully for Kenny's wrestling reputation, he was able to beat the guy that carries around a doll.

In the evening portion of the date, Nip Tuck continued dominating the competition, wooing Rachel and wearing a leather jacket.  Unbeatable.  

Back at the house, Will said he has rarely dated black girls because of where he grew up and where he went to college.  

Kenny Boom expressed concern for being away from his daughter while not being a front runner.  Kenny wanted Rachel to keep it 100.  Rachel, willing to keep it 100, told Kenny Boom he should probably go home.  

Peter Badger got the group date rose.  

1-on-1 Date: Will Smith

Will and Rachel went to Sweden.  As they arrived, a guitarist serenaded them, they played viking croquet, and they got baked goods.  Everything was going great until Will wasn't all that interested in touching/hugging/kissing Rachel.  This is All-For-Wells all over again.  Know your Bachelor history!

In the evening portion, they had dinner at a classic Bachelor extra-small-table-in-a-giant-room.  Will needed to turn up the romance, but dinner in the Carlsberg beer brewery did not light his fire.  Rachel continued to keep it 100 and sent Will home.  

Rose Ceremony #2

Thankfully, Mr. Harrison made the trip to Europe.  What would we do without the six words he offered this week?  He's marginalized, and I don't like it.

Joining Eric No Ties and Peter Badger with roses...

Nip Tuck Bryan
Happy Feet Matt (best hairline still on the show!)
90210 Dean
Russian Alex
Adummy

WHOA.  I actually had already written in Russian Alex.  A truly surprising ending.

Okay, it's been four hours this week.  Let's take a break and watch some 90210.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: From Bluffton to Oslo

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a two night special with Robert E. Lee v. Kenny Boom as the main event. Seasoned viewers such as yourself will know that the night’s episode will end in a cliffhanger at that moment. Nevertheless, we had some good moments in tonight’s episode that deserve some recap and comment.

Its getting confusing as we leave episodes in between rose ceremonies and dates, but I believe we picked up in the middle of a group date where Nip Tuck was using his time wisely to woo the Bachelorette. Nip Tuck is a little too polished for me. At this point last season, we were all begging for Rachel to become the next Bachelorette. Does anyone want Nip Tuck to end up with Rachel or become the next Bachelor? No. He still secures the rose.

Kenny Boom v. Robert E. Lee

While it’s troubling racial tension is being exploited by Fleiss & Co., we are stuck with the shows positives and negatives and need to enjoy the  lighter moments. Labeled “aggressive” and “angry,” Kenny Boom calls Robert E. Lee a “dime store psychologist”. Who uses “dime store” anything in 2017? Are the producers 89 year olds searching for jobs to get healthcare now that Medicare is vanishing?

One-on-One with Jack

We begin date night in beautiful Bluffton, South Carolina. What do I want to know about every South Carolina city? How far is it from the world’s best dog show in Aiken, South Carolina? About 2.5 hours.

Jack Stone should have a leg up on the other contestants. He’s a fellow attorney, same age as Rachel and also from Dallas. However, Rachel admits there has been no real connection to date. But she has the solution! Oysters, a known aphrodisiac.

Oysters, dancing and kissing are added kindling for the Rachel/Jack fire, alas, there is no spark to light it. At dinner, you can tell this is not going to end well for Jack Stone. Then comes the kiss of death. Rachel asks Jack what he would do with Rachel if they were together in Dallas? His response? Lock the door and just lay in bed with you.

RUN RACHEL!

She picks up the rose and viewers know there is a 0% chance she is giving it to him. He keeps talking. “I don’t feel like that connection in a romantic way.”

SAD JACK. Here's a song to help you turn it around. 

No Cocktail Party Needed. Rose Ceremony Go.

Nip Tuck is safe with the group date rose. Joining him:

Eric

Peter Badger

Adummy

Will Smith (who is flying under radar)

Happy Feet Matt (hard to remember the penguin suit)

Russian Alex

Josiah Satz

Anthony

Kenny Boom

Robert E. Lee

Goodbye IggyNotDiggy (with a surprisingly emotional goodbye) and Tickle me Elmo.

The Fake Doctor is in the House

The show has gone international and, fresh off his group rose, Nip Tuck gets the first one-on-one in Oslo, Norway. They repel from a 187 foot ski jump and share ugly duckling high school stories before getting another predictable rose.

Handball is Life

We have a handball date with Adummy, 90210 Dean, Anthony, Happy Feet Matt, Peter Badger, Will Smith, Russian Alex, Eric, and Josiah Satz. First, Coach Tom explains that Handball is a mix between football, basketball and water polo (what?!?). Next, he drops our QOTN: “HANDBALL IS LIFE!”

Let’s move ahead to the highlights:

• Incredibly, Russian Alex and Will Smith have actual handball experience.
• Peter Badger gets a little handsy…followed by a hot tub soiree in the middle of a group date.
• Will Smith is a handball star willing to show his vulnerable side.
• Russian Alex is a poet
• Josiah Satz gave a cringeworthy performance. Rachel succinctly descried Josiah Satz: disingenuous. He also is completely unaware that Rachel is no longer buying his bullshit. Josiah is as lost as Fort Lauderdale’s Flight 19. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_19
• I hate to admit I like a Miami guy over a Fort Lauderdale guy but Will Smith deserved the rose and is a Darkhorse candidate to win this thing.

Josi-ah-Meter

Kenny Boom, Robert E. Lee and the Oslo Octagon

We get a helicopter two-on-one which invokes memories of the greatest two-on-one in history with the ice mountain farewell of Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey. We begin with Kenny laying the groundwork. Kenny knows he and Rachel have fun, but needs their relationship to progress. Rachel is buying Kenny Boom's sincerity. 

Robert E. Lee gets his time and brings up Kenny Boom’s “dark side” including his “violent” and “aggressive”  behavior. When confronted by Rachel, Kenny explains he's been "Keepin it 100" with her the whole season.

Let's reflect on that. In the same episode, Kenny referenced "dime stores" and "keepin it 100." I think I know who I want the next Bachelor to be...

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Auto-Corrected

It's been two weeks since Rachel's last search for love.  These have been a busy two weeks: the Warriors are NBA champs, and Bachelor in Paradise no longer exists.  More importantly, Mrs. Wags bought me a new bottle of Old Potrero Rye for Father's Day AND went to the new amazon.com supermarket to get me ice cream!  I'm ready to start the show.

Find this, buy this

We picked up at the rose ceremony and the Robert E. Lee vs Eric fight.  Eric, concerned that his "name is in Robert E. Lee's mouth," is likely jumpstarting Robert E. Lee's racism.

90210 Dean thinks Lee is "kind of a . . . . . biiitch?"  

Zoolander Eric, lightly defending Robert Lee, said that people have their "quorks." (No, auto-correct, I meant to write quorks.) 

Quorky

Nip Tuck Bryan saved the day with a makeout session.  He's a major favorite.  

Kenny Boom and Robert E. had a yelling match over interrupting conversations with Rachel.  Robert E. said the fight would not put a "tear in his beer."  Unfortunately, the fight caused some sobs due to Rachel's heartthrobs. (I stink at rhyming with words related to crying.)

Joining the Urban Cowboy, Eric, and Russian Alex with roses were:

Will
90210 Dean
Elmo Jonathan
Peter Badger
Adummy
Nip Tuck Bryan
Penguin Matt
Josiah Satz
JackStone
IggyNotDiggy
Kenny Boom
Robert E. Lee (Good work, Fleiss & Co. for forcing her to do that)

Goodbye Firefighter Bryce, Zoolander, and Teach Me How to Diggy

The date portion of the show was in Hilton Head Island.  Confession: I had no idea Hilton Head was an island.  Maybe I should have taken it easier on Zoolander.

1-on-1: 90210 Dean

Dean's nickname inspired Mrs. Wags and me to watch the original Beverly Hills 90210 (I never watched the first few seasons; Mrs. Wags is a super fan).  It's really good.  Dylan is the best.  And he looks even better now.

Solid power alleys

The date started with a ride in the Goodyear Blimp.  90210 is scared of heights and was kind of freaking out about the ride.  Good thing he didn't see this news from a few days ago.  

The blimp buzzed the other guys back at the hotel.  The guys acted like a Red Dawn Russian attack was imminent.  

In the evening portion of the date, 90210 revealed that his mom died from breast cancer when he was 16 and then his family fell apart.  We as the audience now want to give 90210 a hug.  Rachel gave him the rose followed by a Russell Dickerson concert.  As usual, I had to consult Bro Wags to figure out who he is.  Here was his text response:

"I just listened to his "hit" called "Yours."  I mean, kind of sounds perfect for a show centered around love like the bachelorette. But it does sound like many other country love songs. Afraid I don't know this dude."

Fleiss & Co. are really scraping the bottom of the barrel if Bro Wags has not heard of a country singer.  

Group Date: Russian Alex, Urban Cowboy, Peter Badger, Nip Tuck Bryan, Elmo, Dummy, Kenny Boom, Penguin Matt, Robert E. Lee, IggyNoMoreDiggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah Satz

The big group date started on a boat. All I want is for one contestant to sing an "I'm On a Boat" lyric:


I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and sh*t

The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet

But this ain't Sea World, this is real as it gets

I'm on a boat, motherfu!ker, don't you ever forget


Instead of singing, the boat ride included a push-up competition and rap session. The date continued with an appearance from Mr. Harrison leading a spelling bee! YESSSSS.

Some of the biggest goof-ups:
Eric spelled "facade" p-h-y-s-d-e
Peter Badger spelled "coitus" q-u-i-q-u-e
Josiah Satz won gracefully.

In the evening portion, Rachel revealed to Peter Badger that she's also licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. She's passed at least two bar exams, easily making her the smartest Bachelor or Bachelorette of all time (Jake Pavelka and Juan Pablo are in a two-way race for least intelligent).

Iggy the Rat spent his time with Rachel to rip on Josiah Satz (probably only a lawyer in one state...weak!). The Rat then ratted on himself and told Satz.

Josiah Satz delivered my QOTN: "With all due respect, Iggy's a bitch." That's a strong statement after giving all the respect that one is due.

Peter Badger doesn't like Robert E. Lee because he speaks in a way that's "disingenuine." Leave me alone auto-correct, I'm trying to write a Bachelorette blog post!

Kenny Boom confronted Robert E. Lee, but...to be continued for Dugan...

The Bachelorette: Once, Twice, Three Fights for a Lady

DeMario

DeMario is back and apologizing his ass off. The guys in the house are worried and acknowledge that The Mario is a good talker. He seemingly does everything right, apologize, admit fault, and falls on his sword.

Rachel pulls a Sweet Brown and tells her she "Aint Got Time For That." 

Her actual words were worse detailing The Mario's actions at the basketball court being confronted with an ex-girlfriend: “That was a boy. I’m looking for a man.”

We advance to the rose ceremony which had few highlights until Fight No. 1.

• Elmo brought some silly, giant hands.
• Russan Alex talks with Rachel while poorly executing a rubix cube.
• Wrestler Kenny is playing the kid card.

Then we get the Sex Pistol v. Whaaaboooom! Fight

Whaboom tells Rachel that Sex Pistol stood over his bed eating a banana as he slept. Pretty odd accusation but Sex Pistol does seem a little unhinged. But Sex Pistol provides the ultimate Bachelor defense: 

Who gets a rose?

Nip Tuck

Firefighter Bryce

Eric

Anthony

Will Smith (Welcome to Miami)

Elmo

JackStone

Happy Feet Matt 

Russian Alex

Adummy

Wrestler Kenny who provided a great response to the rose offer: “How Kenny say no” BOOM.

Zoolander (Male Model)

Robert E. Lee

IggyNotDiggy

Bad Kid Fred

TeachMeHowtToDiggy

Goodbye Bizarro Juan Pablo, Whaaabooom and Sex Pistol

Fight No. 1: Sex Pistol v. Whaaabooom

Sex Pistol opens the fight: “You’re a wannabe comedian”

Quixotically, Whaaboom responds: “It’s not about winning. It’s about the world man.” Well, that's settled. One of them said “Get back to your garbage clown life” but it could really fit either guy. The saddest part for me was that Sex Pistol had a better WHABOOM! than Mr. Whaboom in a mocking scene. 

The Ellen Group Date with Nip Tuck, Elmo, Peter Badger, Russian Alex, Will Smith and Bad Kid Fred

The reverse sexism is in full effect this episode and the men have to strip off their clothes and dance for Ellen's female audience. Russian Alex enjoyed himself a little too much. After they got naked and played never have I ever, I wondered if the Hildbold Brothers are now show runners for the Bacelor/ette,

The most revealing part of the date was Bad Kid Fred admitting that he was sick of the references to his Fred/Rachel camp counselor days from decades past. Bad Kid Fred is determined to kiss his crush and has a plan. He's going to ask her. 

Bad Kid Fred: "Is this the time I can kiss you”

Rachel: “NOW I FEEL AWKWARD”

The kiss happens.

Fred's Feelings

Rachel's Feelings

Bad Kid Fred gets the boot and Russian Alex gets the rose.

Urban Cowboy with Anthony 

Rachel and Anthony go shopping (on horses for some reason) in Beverly Hills and work to put Ivanka’s Miami sweatpants shopping to shame. They get western outfits, cupcakes out of a vending machine, and the horse make a mess out of a store.

Rachel: “This is the lifestyle. I could get use to this.”

WHAT? YOU COULD GET USED TO RIDING HORSES ON RODEO DRIVE? 

Anthony talks family at dinner and secures the rose.

Fight No. 2: Mud Wrestling Group Date with Zoolander, 90210 Dean, Adummy, Wrestler Kenny, Firefighter Bryce, Robert E. Lee, Jack Stone and Eric

First off, Rachel brings back some girls from last season: Raven, Ivanka, Warrior Jasmine, Dolphin. The girls pull up to a bar where the guys are told to take off their clothes and mud wrestle. Jack Stone says what everyone is thinking: "This is pretty much (Wrestler) Kenny’s thing.”

Winners Bold and Underlined

Round 1

Zoolander v. Firefghter Bryce

90210 Dean v. Eric

Kenny v. Jack Stone

Robert E. Lee v. Adummy

Round 2 

Kenny v. Robert E. Lee.

Firefighter Bryce v. Kenny

Championship

Bryce v. Kenny

In an upset, Bryce knocked off the wrestler. However, some expectations were met.  Zoolander’s hair remained perfect. 

Fight No. 3 is at the Rose Ceremony with Eric taking on IggyNotDiggy and Robert E. Lee. Luckily for you, Wags will have the breakdown next week.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Dirty Dogs

In preparation for this Bachelorette season, I won a bottle of whiskey at an auction.  Dugan and I are lawyers...that's how we roll...or at least that's how Dugan could possibly roll.  Actually, come to think of it, I probably shouldn't be rolling at any auctions at all.  And neither should Dugan.  We have mouths to feed and mortgages to pay and flowers to buy our wives.  If we've learned anything from blogging for nearly a decade, it's that flowers are appreciated.  In my case, ice cream is appreciated too, especially on Monday nights.

On to the show...

This is going to be challenging.  I only remember the guys with good nicknames.  

Harrison explained the rules of how one-on-one dates and group dates work.  In case you just arrived from a 15 year stay on the International Space Station, you probably already know how this show works.  

Group Date #1: Dean, Jackstone, Johnathan Elmo, Sex Pistol Blake, IggyNotDiggy, Kenny, Bad Kid Fred, and Lucas Whaboom

The date started off with a touch football game.  I didn't think Rachel would be ready for gametime in a short dress, but she promptly started running the hurry-up offense.  Notre Dame might need her at QB.  

The date shifted to Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis introducing the next competition. Mrs. Wags was folding laundry and half paying attention.  Mrs. Wags asked which former Bachelor couple they were.  I had to inform her that she was looking at one of the most famous whiskey makers in all of the world.  

The guys had to compete in tasks such as changing a baby, pulling hair out of a drain, and vacuuming.  Dean had never held a baby before.  Seems like husband material.  

Strangely, when they had to change a fake diaper, ABC blurred out the fake poopy diaper.  Mrs. Wags  is convinced it must real poop.  

Kutcher theorized that none of these guys will win.  Since Whaboom won the contest, Kutcher is probably onto something.  (Also, Kutcher pitted his t-shirt.  This made me like him just a little more.)

The evening portion of the date, Sex Pistol revealed that he knows Whaboom from a "previous encounter."  Maybe something on Craigslist?  Sex Pistol might be more annoying than Whaboom.  And that's saying something to be worse than a producer-pick.  

Sex Pistol, an "aspiring drummer," dropped the first not-there-for-the-right-reasons to Rachel regarding Whaboom.  This was probably the earliest wrong-reasons backstab in Bachelor history.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Dean has 90210 hair and looks like Brandon Walsh.  "90210 Dean." 

Nice call, Mrs. Wags

Quote of the night from Kenny: "I'm a pro wrestler.  I know all about white dudes acting crazy."   

90210 Dean took the rose.  I asked Mrs. Wags if there were any African-American women on 90210. It turns out Dean's doppleganger once dated an African-American woman.  

One of these actors went on to have a big career.

One-on-One #1: Peter Badger

The date started off with an extra guest; Rachel's gimpy dog.  They flew to Palm Springs to go to Bark Fest, a dog-friendly pool party sponsored by Bark Box.  So far, this might be the worst date in Bachelor history.  

The date did not get much better in the evening portion.  Badger and Rachel compared reasons for why they have gap-teeth. After nearly a decade of wearing braces, this conversation is thankfully meaningless to me.  

Badger got the date rose.  Rachel seems pretty into him. 

Group Date #2: Will Urkel, American Psycho Jamey, TeachmehowtoDiggie, Alex, Adamummy, Robert E. Lee, Happy Feet Matt, Eric, Mike Satz Josiah, DeMario

The date started at a basketball court.  Based on Rachel's shooting, I'm guessing she played high school basketball.  Fun fact: Dugan and I co-coached a women's intramural basketball team in college.  Dugan worked the refs pretty hard.  

Kareem showed up to help out.  Robert E. Lee said Kareem is "the guy of basketball."  Based on that statement and the way he played, it's pretty clear that he knows nothing about basketball.

We all know there's only one answer for who the "guy of basketball" is:

DeMario was easily the best basketball player of the group.  He can drop-step dunk.  We could have used him on our women's intramural team.

During a basketball game between the guys, a woman approached Rachel and said she's DeMario's girlfriend.  DeMario pretended that he didn't know who she was.  Ex-girlfriend then swore on her father's grave and her kitten's life that he never broke up with her.  Surprisingly, the girl wearing a scrunchy on her wrist was telling the truth.  DeMario got the boot.

In the evening portion of the date, the mood was somber.  Alex sang to her in Russian.  Trainer Eric made out with Rachel.  I'm still undecided on which one was harder to watch.

Mike Satz Josiah got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Demario tried to crash the rose ceremony.  The security guard had to go speak to "Mr. Harrison."  YESSS.  Easily my favorite moment of the episode.

Mr. Harrison asked Rachel if she wanted to see DeMario.  Rachel decided to go talk to him because she was "curious" about what he had to say (also known as Fleiss and Co. made her do it).

Predictably, TO BE CONTINUED...

The Bachelorette Episode 1: Rachel's Reboot

Every one's favorite Texas lawyer this side of Joe Jamail (and whoever had a Joe Jamail reference in the opening paragraph, please report to Paddy Power for your long shot winnings) is back and so are Fleiss & Co! It's an exciting time to be a Bachelor/ette fan as we can actually root for the Bachelor/ette in earnest. Although, when you saw her gaggle of girls she welcomed back for a pep talk (think Trainwreck meets Bridesmaids), you did begin to wonder if she was taking this serious.

Jamail's first appearance in a Bachelor Blog

You know Rachel. I know Rachel. Everyone likes Rachel. This episode is not actually about Rachel. It's about the many men she meets. Without further ado...

Adam, aka Adummy, 27, Real Estate Agent from Dallas

• Bio Note: What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday. UGH.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor from Detroit

• Bio Note: What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic. YIKES. RUN.

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager from Chicago

• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. NOT BAD.

Blake E., aka Sex Pistol, 31, aspiring drummer from Marina del Ray

• Bio Note: Occupation: Aspiring Drummer. "Aspiring" should not be in your occupation title.
• Bio Note 2: What's the closest you have ever come to being married? I was engaged for 48 hours. THERE ARE FLAGS ALL OVER THE FIELD.

Blake K., 29, Marine Veteran from San Francisco

• Bio Note: Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran. Veteran? Retired? He’s 29? 
• Bio Note 2: Do you have to qualify that you are in the Marines of the United States as opposed to a different Marines? 

Brady, aka Zoolander or Thor, 29, Male Model from Miami

• Bio Note: Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English. YOU LIVE IN MIAMI, BRO.

Bryan, aka Nip Tuck, 37, a Chiropractor from Miami

• Bio Note: What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart. THREE, genius.

Bryce, 30, a Firefighter from Orlando

Dean, 26, a Startup Recruiter from Venice

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Mom's initials on chest, artwork on back, friend's initials on back, "Righteous" on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm. LIP TATTOO. RUN!
• Bio Note 2: What is your favorite memory from childhood? When I was very young, my family lived in a mobile home. I remember sitting on top with my brothers watching a demolition derby and eating Oreos. WHAT? His mobile home park hosted demolition derbies? I am so confused right now.
• Bio Note 3: What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment. How romantic.

DeMario, 30, an Executive Recruiter from Century City, CA

• Bio Note: Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits. THIS CANNOT BE HIS HONEST ANSWER.

Diggy, aka TeachMeHowToDiggie, 31, a Senior Inventory Analyst (aka works in receiving) from Chicago

Eric, 29, a Personal Trainer from LA

Fred, aka Bad Kid Fred, 27, an Executive Assistant from Dallas

• Bio Note: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people's days are brightened when they are around her. A STRAIGHT MAN ANSWERED THIS?

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician from New York

• Bio Note: What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? ;) SERIOUSLY, with the winking and all.

Iggy, aka IggyNotDiggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney from Dallas

Jamey, ak American Psycho, 32, Sales Account Executive from Santa Monica

• Bio Note: Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Jedidiah, aka Masters, 35, an ER Physician from Augusta, GA

• Bio Note:  Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf. WHAT?

Jonathan, aka Elmo, 31, Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL. Not. A. Job.

Josiah, aka Mike Satz (***see notes below***), 28, Prosecuting Attorney from Fort Lauderdale

Kenny, 35, a Professional Wrestler from Las Vegas

Kyle, 26, a Marketing Consultant from LA

Lee, aka Robert E. Lee, 30, a Singer/Songwriter from Nashville

Lucas, aka WHABOOM!, 30, a Whaboom from Woodside, California. NOT. A. JOB.

• Bio Note: What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit! FREAK.

Matt, aka Happy Feet 32, a Construction Sales Rep from Meridian, CN

Michael, aka MJ, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player from Chicago. FORMER at 26? And now?

Milton, aka Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty, 31, a Hotel Recreation Supervisor from North Bay Village, FL

• Bio Note: Tattoos: Yes, inside my bottom lip. LIP TAT. RUN!

Mohit, aka Bollywood, 26, a Product Manager from San Francisco or Pacifica?

Peter, aka Badger, 31, a Business Owner from Madison, WI

Rob, aka Law Student Rob, 30, a Law Student from Houston

Will, aka Urkel, 28, a Sales Manager from Miami

Let's get some general comments on the guys from tonight's premiere:

• Blake earned his Sex Pistol nickname due to frequently bringing up sex along with his drumming aspirations. 
• Diggy has 575 pairs of shoes? What?
• ***Josiah, aka Mike Satz*** is a prosecutor from Dugan's hometown of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  When you think of Fort Lauderdale and Broward County and Prosecutor, only one name comes to mind. Mike Satz. He's been the elected prosecutor since 4 years before I was born. I'm not young.
• Bad Kid Fred went to grade school with Rachel (cute!) and she was his counselor (creepy!)
• Adummy brought along a terrifying dummy.
• Nip Tuck loves speaking Spanish and is older than your blog authors.
• Whaboom! is annoying and not here for the right reasons.
• Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty keeps purring in Rachel's ear. 
• Rachel is already in the running for the best Bachelor/ette in years? Ever?

Dugan's Quote of the Night

Whaboom: “I feel like everyone has a little Whaboom in them”

Sex Pistol: “I have no Whaboom in me”

First Impression Rose

Nip Tuck brings the First Impresson Rose back to Sunny South Florida where Mike Satz will seek a replevin action to get what he believes was rightfully his.

Rose Ceremony Time

Badger

Will (Urkel)

Jack Stone

Jamey (America Psycho)

IggyNotDiggy

Eric

DeMario

Elmo (Jonathan)

Bryce

Alex

Kenny

Dean

Penguin

Anthony

Thor (hammer) or Zoolander (male model)

Mike Satz

Robert E. Lee

Teach me how to Diggy

Bad Kid Fred

Adummy

Sex Pistol

Whaboom!

Who are we losing?

Law School Rob

Kyle

Blake the vet

Jedidiah (Masters)

NY Doctor

Crouching Tiger Hidden Kitty (Milton)