The Bachelor Episode Cinco: Juan Love

It's Wags again.  Two weeks in a row!  That means more ice cream than ever.  Two weeks = two scoops (or maybe four).  I have a really special one tonight.  It combines my love of ice cream and my love of the Giants (and my love of anything Mexican-chocolate flavored).

Don't worry.  I have scotch too.

I start this week worried that this season may not go so well.  Usually by this point, there is an obvious front runner to win...I mean...find true love.  As it stands, I feel like there is no logical choice for our man Juan Pablo.  Let's start the episode and see what happens.

Fleiss and Co. took the crew to Vietnam. JP astutely pointed out that "one of this could be my wife."  I agree.  And of this true love could heppen at times, all the times, to Juan Pablo.  

Vietnam looks awesome.  Just saying.

Solo Date #1: Mama Renee

As the previews pointed out, Mama Renee has not kissed JP yet.  This is a very bad sign for the Mama, since JP has been making out with all the single ladies.

Just not the single Renees

The date started off with the new-country-obligatory-walk-around-a-new-city.  JP then took Mama to buy a dress.  I feel like they do a lot of dress buying on Bachelor dates.  Confession: I have never bought Mrs. Wags a dress.  

Create a questionnaire

The evening portion of the date included the aforementioned dress (por supuesto).  It seemed pretty romantic, as most Bachelor dates should.  But was it romantic enough for that elusive first kiss?  Apparently not.  Ouch.  But she did get the rose.  Such mixed-messages.

But after the rose, the date continued to a dock where they released candle boxes into a river and made wishes.  I'm sorry I can't describe that better with my words.  

The date finally ended with no kiss.  According to JP, it's because she has a son, and he wants to be respectful.  

Group Date: Pavarotti, Teacher Chelsie, Kat, 8 Mile, Vidal Sassoon, Dog Lover, Nanny Alli, Danielle, and Abbie Carmichael

I really like how JP's voice gets about 4 octaves higher at the end of every sentence he says.  

The group date started with a rowing trip down a river in large half-coconut looking two person boats.  As you can tell, I'm having a really hard time describing what's happening in Vietnam.  (And I do not think it's the scotch).

The date continued to a traditional Vietnamese farm-to-table meal.  8 Mile thought this would be "great to have in America."  Maybe she needs to leave Detroit and try out Northern California.  Farm-to-table is our middle name.   (And I hyphenated it, which is also kind of a California thing to do).

On the date, Vidal Sassoon started to draw the ire of the other ladies, especially Dog Lover.  By the way, Dog Lover is STILL on the show.  What is happening!?  Also, there is a woman named Danielle on the show.  I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me one thing about her.  

JP took Vidal Sassoon to his suite and then made out with her in his private pool.  Maybe she is the favorite?  

JP took each woman, one-by-one, out to the beach to make out.  After her turn, Abbie Carmichael apologized, saying to the camera "sorry Mom."  She was referring to making out on TV.  I think she owes her Mom an apology for giving up her career as a gang prosecutor to go on a reality TV show.  

Vidal Sasson obviously got the rose.

Before the night was over, Vidal Sassoon went to JP's room at 4 am.  Looks like JP never should have told her where his suite was located.  Stalker much?  

Vidal Sassoon said she wanted to go in the ocean for the first time.  For the first time!?  You live in SACRAMENTO!  For those of you unfamiliar with Sacramento's proximity to the ocean, let me give you a visual:

It's close

Solo Date #2: Nurse Nikki

JP took Nurse Nikki on a hike.  The hike turned into a repelling/spelunking combo.  Nurse Nikki is (predictably) scared of heights.  I've heard that public speaking is a #1 fear, but the Bachelor would seem to prove otherwise.  If you want to win, you better be scared of heights (but also comfortable making out as you overcome your fears).  

The date continued to dinner in a cave.  I'll bet Nurse Nikki had a hard time picking out a dress since she did not have one bought for her on the date.  

Nurse Nikki then delivered my favorite line of the night.  "The fact that Juan Pablo wants to know about my work is amazing."  I may have never bought Mrs. Wags a dress before, but I am genuinely curious about how her day was at work every single day.  

Nurse Nikki got offered a rose, and she assepted.   (Thanks to a loyal fan in Denver for pointing out how cool Juan Pablo's pronunciation of "asspeted" is).  And you read that right.  We have fans in Denver.  

Rose Ceremony

The women all arrived on a boat that looked like they just got off a magical boat ride at a chocolate factory.

After simply asking her if her son was okay with making out on TV, JP got the approval he needed and kissed Mama Renee.  

JP had some second thoughts about the "fairness" of going in the ocean with Vidal Sassoon.  Vidal Sassoon pointed out that it's not about being fair, but rather it's about "following your heart."  I feel like I am documenting the most idiotic conversation in human history.  It felt like they were playing a drinking-game where they could only speak in platitudes, and now it might cost them their relationship.  

Vidal Sassoon felt embarrassed that JP's daughter might have seen what they did.  Mrs. Wags, always ready with an astute observation, questioned who is letting their 4-year-old watch the Bachelor.  Good point.  I'm 33, and my parents probably still wouldn't let me watch The Simpsons or Married with Children.  But I am allowed to watch all the TGIF programming I want!!!  So take that!

My family every Thursday night

Joining Mama Renee, Vidal Sassoon, and Nurse Nikki with roses were:

Pavarotti

8 Mile

Teacher Chelsie

Kat

Abbie Carmichael

Going home (rather predictably I might add) were Danielle, Nanny Alli, and Dog Lover.  I know one thing about the three of these women combined: one of them has a dog.  

Until next week in New Zealand...

The Bachelor Episode Cuatro: Juan Love

I start tonight's post with a heavy heart.  As I was preparing the mandatory accouterments for the Bachelor (ice cream and whisky), I accidentally dumped a full scoop of ice cream on the ground.  After spending more than five seconds debating whether the five second rule applies to ice cream, I finally made the decision it had to be sacrificed to the sink.  If Mrs. Wags and I did not have a dog, I might have made a different decision.  I like ice cream.  Deal with it.  On to the show....

Having watched some of Sean and Lennay Kekua's wedding last night, I am in the mood for some grown sexy time with Juan Pablo and the ladies in South Korea.  This begs the question, will Dog Lover bring her service animal on this trip?

I'll sit this one out

I really enjoyed how excited the ladies were to go to KOREA!!!  Ko-RE-AAAAAA!!!  I'm sure it's very nice, but I have NO clue what Seoul tourism is like.

Group Date: Teacher Chelsie, 8 Mile, Yule Log, Danielle, Kat, and Nurse Nikki

JP took the ladies to a place to dance K-Pop style.  Apparently, this is just like Gagnam Style dancing.  Nice work on being current Fleiss and Co.  Maybe Gotye will be performing later in the show.  

The ladies learned a dance from a top K-Pop band called "21."  I was impressed by the acting job some of ladies did when they pretended to have heard of 21.

The dance class went well, focusing mostly on Kat's dance skills.  That must be pretty embarrassing for 8 Mile, a former NBA dancer.  Nurse Nikki, on the other hand, complained about having to dance.  She became especially irritable when she found out that the ladies would be dancing backup for 21....in a mall.  Huh?  21 must be the Santa Claus of Korean mall performers.   

Juan Santa

At the evening portion of the date, the girls couldn't help but hate on fun-loving Kat and her desire for attention.  If you were hating on Kat too, I'll bet you felt pretty bad when she revealed that she has a deadbeat, alcoholic dad that got 7 DUIs.  8 Mile didn't like that there was "Kattiness" starting.   8 Mile didn't even realize the great pun she stumbled into.

Nurse Nikki?  More like Negative Nikki.  I don't want to dance.  I don't like Kat.  I don't like group dates.  I want alone time.  Geez.  It's really tiring.  But apparently JP was pretty impressed with how well she can change diapers, so she got the group date rose.

Seoul-o Date #1: Pavarotti

The date card asked the Pav if she is his "Seoul Mate."  This season has the best puns.  

Pavarotti and JP went to a market.  They couldn't handle the food, smells, and clothing.  These two will not be settling down in South Korea.  

Mrs. Wags thinks Pavarotti could be prettier and smarter than any woman that has ever been on the Bachelor.   A bold statement.  I will be up until at least midnight preparing my rebuttal.  

JP begged Pavarotti to sing.  Got to give the people, give the people what they want!  She sang a few bars.  She sounded pretty good.  (I have been to exactly zero operas in my life, but I was a college radio DJ with Dugan, so I am capable of rendering an opinion on musical skills).

Things took a turn for the worst when JP asked how many kids she wants to have.  Her response: "I don't even think about kids."  Pavarotti took a big risk and proved that honesty is, in fact, the best policy. So is gun control.  But that's for another policy blog that I write.  

Pavarotti got the rose.  

Group Date #2: Vidal Sassoon, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Dog Lover, Nanny Ally, and Mozart

The date took them to a life-size dollhouse where you do karaoke.  Now we're talking!  Let's get weird!

After quickly leaving the dollhouse singing party, they went to a photo booth place (unimpressed...we have those in San Francisco), paddle boating (crappy compared to the Jeep Water boat last week), and to a fish-eating-dead-skin-on-your-feet pedicure place (perfect...back to getting weird!).

Vidal got a little scared by the unique(?) octopus they had to eat.  It looked pretty fried and not so scary, but who can blame her:

Goose Egg in Sacramento

Ice Cream update: Mrs. Wags just found the floor ice cream in the sink.  When she asked why it was in there, I replied, "You'll have to read the blog to find out."  Have to get readers somehow.

For some strange reason, JP decided to pump the brakes on kissing the women, noting that he "has a daughter" and shouldn't be kissing so many women on TV.  Is his daughter really watching this show? She's four!!!  Unless this show is converted to cartoon format and shown on Saturday mornings, I have a feeling she won't be seeing any of it.  Unfortunately for Mama Renee and Mozart, JP's sudden kiss rejections appeared to be an indication of his feelings towards them.

Vidal Sassoon had other plans in mind.  Determined, she went for a make out session moments after JP rejected the other two women.  JP is not known for his logic.

Proving that he can be a wild card, JP gave the rose to Abbie Carmichael.  In the end, she was the one he really Juanted.

Rose Ceremony

The highlight of the rose ceremony was Negative Nikki interrupting JP's time with Vidal Sassoon.  Negative Nikki took her time with JP to inform him that women who are interested in men will always look away rather than look at them.  When asked who said that, Negative replied "Science."  I'm definitely using that tactic at work tomorrow.  "Counsel, what is the basis for your argument?"  "The law, your Honor.  The law says so."

Joining Negative Nikki, Pavarotti, and Abbie Carmichael with roses were:

Mama Renee
Teacher Chelsie
Dog Lover (unbelievable how long this is going on)
Danielle (spoke zero words this week, but got one rose)
8 Mile
Nanny Ally
Vidal Sassoon
Kat

Taking the long flight home alone from South Korea were Yule Log Hottie and Mozart.

Until next week with Dugan in Vietnam...

El Bachelor Episode 3: Juan Love

We begin the episode with Chris Harrison (hopefully not wearing a shirt from his new collection) giving the ladies a recap of where they stand. The dirty dozen is gone and the fine fifteen remain. There will be three dates, two one-on-ones and a group date.

Cassandra and El Papa play One-on-One

For those keeping up with this season's backstories, 8 Mile is a former NBA Dancer turned professional mom after having a child with Rodney Stuckey. Basically, we know Cassandra can't end up with a ring because no one is messing with child support from a father making 8 million/year in the NBA. I do not practice family law and this blog does not constitute legal advice. The date began with a drive in an odd looking jeep which eventually turned into an odder looking boat.

Overall, a pretty mellow date did serve up the quote of the night. After picking up 8 Mile Cassandra in the amphibuous jeep, 8 Mile dropped this gem: "I really saw him in his element"

Driving from land to sea in an amphibuous vehicle is his element? Get the fuck out of here. In a move guaranteed to bring about the wrath of Mrs. Dugan, 8 Mile plugged her nose when jumping from the yacht into the water.

In a huge upset, El Papa is able to look past the nose plug dive and gives the hot cheerleader a rose. Is this the largest age discrepancy on a date in Bachelor/ette history? He's not a young looking 32 and she's not an old looking 21? Was anyone else uncomfortable at times?

House Drama with the Yule Log Hottie

Yeah, you read that right. I was going to name Teacher Elise "Dr. Jekyll" because I have found her ability to swing from attractive to unattractive incredible. This was going to work out until blog co-author informed me that Teacher Elise was in the strangest video that exists on the internet. Read those last 7 words again...strangest video that exists on the internet. Anyways, in it, Teacher Elise plays a Yule Log Hottie and a hat tip to Reality Steve for the find.

The Yule Log Hottie (YLH) provided a solid portion of the night's drama, mostly her constant belittling of Science Teacher Chelsie's maturity: "I don't know if another daughter is what he wants." While the YLH is only 27, that's not only a solid 3 years older than Chelsie, but she also matured during the Yule Log Hottie shoot.

LA Galaxy Group Date

Dog Lover, Mama, Pavarotti, Danielle, Nanny Ally, Mozart, Abbie Carmichael, Unknown Blond Girl, Happy Camper and Nurse Nikki join El Papa on the pitch. Pavarotti was predictably terrible.

Outside of very poor play, the most important event was Pavarotti taking a shot in the face. Rob Riggle does it best. 

Other date highlights

• They didn't use goalies...
• Nanny Alli was Pele out there
• No interviews for Danielle
• El Papa is used to getting empty stadiums for himself as he regularly attends Marlins games.

Later in the Evening...

• Nurse Nikki is scared of getting hurt
• You could say Andi and Juan Pablo ordered a kiss at the concession stand. BOOM. Pun time, baby.
• Danielle speaks for the first time. I was adopted "when I was two days old."
• Is it odd she mentioned when she was adopted?
• Would it matter if she was adopted at 1 day or 1 month or am I missing something entirely?
• El Papa is still intrigued with Pavarotti 
• Abbie Carmichael is not a happy camper that Pavarotti got her sloppy seconds. Hey...happy camper? Where were you?
• Nurse Nikki doesn't snag a kiss but gets the rose.

Chelsie Lastly

Chelsie gets the final one-on-one, much to YLH's surprise, and must trust El Papa. I think its a pretty dick move, but he built trust on the back of an amazing food, arepas. If you have not had Arepas, please do. 

This is the early episode in every season that involves a heights challenge as a metaphor for life. LIFE IS HARDER THAN TANDEM BUNGEE JUMPING. Beyond that, Chelsie secures the rose at the Pasadena City Hall and gets to enjoy a country singer I don't know sing a song I don't know (neither of these facts are surprising).

Chelsie does say she would like to grab the rose on the table and give it to El Papa. This is a new, bold move that I fully support.. Just grab the rose and offer it to the Bachelor/ette.

Let's google this Billy Currington fellow to learn more about him...

Oh shit.

Maybe it's ok. I said he's a country singer. Maybe it will help him with street cred like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, George Jones, Randy Travis, etc etc etc.

Oh fuck, it was for elder abuse.

Breakfast, Pool Party and a Rose Ceremony

• Juan Pablo comes over to make more Arepas. Ernie says, "Let's Play Two, arepas"
• The girls either didn't like Kat or were jealous of her in the bathing suit. Couldn't be certain.
• Vidal Sassoon explained her issue was not jealousy with details that sounded a lot like jealousy
• Pavarotti is judgmental of Kat and must have amnesia from the soccer field makeout session

Rose Ceremony with 8 Mile, Nurse Nikki and Science Chelsie Safe

• Abbie Carmichael
• Mama Renee
• Dog Lover (really?)
• Pavarotti
• Yule Log Hottie
• Kat
• Nanny Alli
• Vidal Sassoon
• Mozart
• Danielle

Happy Camper and Unknown Blond Chick go home. Until next week when Wags takes us from LA to the world.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Juan Love

Juan for the money...

And two for Pablo!

Per tradition, I will be recapping while drinking whisky and eating ice cream.  Loyal readers may recognize this frequent combo and think to themselves, "Geez, it seems like you have a problem."  I don't think it is, but I do have a problem I need to confess: I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts this week.  Yes, it's Monday.  That means I listened to three Bachelor-related podcasts today.      I'll start therapy after Juan Pablo finds the love of his life.

On to the recap...

The episode started off with the Dog Owner's dog still at the house going for a swim.  It's now clear that it is a service dog.  Legally, we may not ask any further questions about it.

First Solo Date: Vidal Sassoon

If you recall from last week, Vidal Sassoon has a DVD that her deceased father made to play for her future husband.  I'm a little scared, yet also a little hopeful, that she plays it for him on their first date.

Vidal really likes the way JP smells, comparing him to "heaven in a bottle."  I thought she could come up with something better considering how many actual fragrant bottles she works around.

J. Pablo planned a Los Angeles winter wonderland.  They sledded, played in some artificially snowy trees, and ice skated.  I just kept waiting for some washed up one-hit wonder band to show up so they could slow dance on ice skates.  But, alas, it never happened.  Would have been pretty big time if Fleiss and Co. had come up with THAT.  (Hire me ABC).

After revealing that her dad passed away, Vidal got a rose and a makeout sesh.  Vidal said JP tastes like "snow."  I'm starting to question her sense of smell.

I spoke too soon!  There was live music at the tail end of the date.


Back at the House

Free Spirit made a strong statement to the other women by going to in the hot tub topless.  If you call yourself a free spirit, toplessness is mandatory.

Second Solo Date: Kat

John Paul took Kat to a private jet. Kat said she is "having visions of jetsetting with her Latin lover."  Kat, I have bad news for you: JP collects autographed baseball bats to send to Venezuela.   I asked Jeeves what the yearly salary is for that job.  He answered:

The plane took them to an electric fun run (not sure what's fun about running at night wearing neon while high on ecstasy).  Brother Wags made a great point that it looked like they took a trip down rainbow road from Mario Kart.

They danced the whole "race," got on stage, and then Juan gave her a rose.   It was definitely the fewest number of words uttered on a date that ended with a rose.

Group Date: Science Chelsie, Kristy, Service Animal Kelly, 8 Mile Cassandra, Abbie Carmichael, Mama Renee, Mozart Lauren, Nanny Alli, Chantel, Nurse Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Happy Camper (I had to rewind five times to get these names down)

The date took them to a garage for a Bachelor photo shoot for charity.  That's the only kind of acceptable Bachelor photo shoot.  Somehow, they found a charity that pairs models with rescue dogs to save the dogs in the pound.  It's really lucky for Fleiss and Co. that a charity that features bikinis exists.

Service Animal Kelly got made up like an alien.  More specifically, an alien from a racist planet that wears black face.  Alf would not stand for this.

Abbie Carmichael and Teacher Elise were chosen for the nude photo shoot.  I can just imagine Fleiss and Co. in the production room.  Who should we force to go nude?  The free spirit that has already been naked twice this episode?  Nah.  How about the DA and the grade school teacher?!  Fleiss and Co. . . . ruining careers one episode at a time.

The organizer of the event assured the nude models that it's okay because it's a charity for the dogs.  Advice: never trust a guy who looks like he's from the Capital in the Hunger Games.

The date continued into the evening with rooftop drinks.  Former NBA Dancer/Current Makeup Artist Cassandra revealed that she has a two year old son.  As required, Juan Pablo said that is really great.

Shooting Star Victoria got wasted on the roof top.  I'm really sorry she's going to flame out and lose.  She's great.  She wants to "straddle Juan Pablo every day."*

* I use quotes there because she actually said that.

Mrs. Wags made the great call that she is a real life version of this SNL character:



Whisky update:  I'm finished.
Ice Cream update:  Finished a long time ago.

Let's get back to business.  All real Shooting Star Victoria quotes:
"Juan Pablo is my boyfriend."
"Today I gave him the hymen [sic] maneuver.  I saved his life."
"If you give someone the hymen maneuver, you're going to have to straddle them."
"Who's leg do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time?"

The Shooting Star went to a bathroom stall and started to lose her mind.  A Bachelor Superfan out of San Mateo (identity protected so he doesn't lose his job) pointed out that the under the bathroom stall camera angle is clearly an "homage to Citizen Kane."  If I had any whisky left, I might have laughed so hard that it would come out of my nose.

Shockingly, Service Animal Kelly got the date rose.

The next morning, JP confronted the Shooting Star about her behavior.  She said that she had fun on the date until her "bathroom issue."  She apologized, but it was not good enough.  JP sent her home because she can't be around Ricki.  I mean Ty.  Oh, of course, it's Camila.   Victoria lived her Bachelor life like a candle in the wind.  She'll be missed.

Rose Ceremony

Amy Local did a mock local news interview with JP.  It felt very local.  Like, she might even be an intern.

Pavarotti apologized for not being more excited about the first impression rose last week.  She seems like she has a PhD while the rest of the women have GEDs.  Good news for the rest of the women: Juan Pablo also has a GED.

8 Mile Cassandra was very sad about being away from her son.  Juan Pablo convinced her to stay.  He must want to get all the autographs from the NBA teams she danced for.

Joining Vidal, Kat, and Service Animal with roses are:
8 Mile
Nurse Nikki
Abbie Carmichael
Teacher Elise
Pavarotti (Will you accept this rose?  "Sure" - - - yikes)
Mama Renee
Psych Nurse Danielle
Happy Camper
Alison
Science Chelsie
Mozart Lauren
Christie

Goodbye Amy Local and Chantel.

Until next week, with way more making out.  

The Bachelor: Juan Love

Thanks to our fans for your patience. The winter Bachelor/ette premier conflicts with the National Title game and pushes the blog back a day or two. But don't fret. WWT is here are excited to bring you the best recaps available. The show offered a glimpse into the upcoming season including dolphins, seaplanes, snowcapped mountains AND DRAMA (duh!). Actually, the scenery looked stunning as they have reallocated the liquor budget due to Juan Pablo's teetotalism.

And tears. Lots of tears.

Juan Pablo explains to the girls and viewers that this is the "Real Deal" and he's here to find a wife and mother to his daughter, Camila. 

JP History 

Juan Pablo was born in New York, raised in Venezuela and lives in Miami. Life in Miami includes working at Marlins Park, a very nice modern stadium for a bad team with worse fans. When he was a contestant on Say Yes to the Des's season, Juan Pablo worked in the music industry. Not sure what prompted the career change but any episode of the Bachelor that includes Juan Pierre is a good episode of the Bachelor.

Juan Pablo's daughter was born on Valentine's day, 2009, making her about a year older than the oldest Dugan child. Juan Pablo has wisely taken the high road when it comes to discussing the end of his relationship with Camila's mother. Camila will obvioulsy play a large role in the show while in LA and Juan Pablo is being helped by Abuelo y Abuela. 

Juan solicits some more help from previous Bachelor Sean. As faithful readers know, my favorite moments come during the unintentional comedy this show provides. Sean dropped a gem early on: "At the mansion with the limo is when it all becomes real." Let's say that again. When does it "get real?" "At the mansion with the limo." Oh. Ok. 

Sean was a pretty likable Bachelor, but Juan Pablo is making up ground quickly. He wasn't afraid to discuss a funny flaw that I share - he's horrible with names. While dating 27 different women. Fantastic. A little later we'll learn he's not as bad as others. But this season's blog will be more about the women than Juan Pablo...so without further adieu.

Let's Meet the Women

Chris Harrison always introduces us to a few of the women early on and tonight is no exception.

• Chelsie is a 24 yr old from Columbus, O-H-I-O, who is learning Spanish to impress Juan Pablo. All I have to say is Hang on Chelsie, Chelsie Hang on.
• Mama Renee is a 32 yr old single mother from Sarasota, Florida. (Quick note. Your author is from Florida and never has any clue whether the cities in Florida are on the east or west coast of the State. I need to repeat 4th grade.) I would have guessed she was 42 since since she likes to rollerblade. Do any other 32 year olds rollerblade? Does ANYONE rollerblade?
• Andi is a 24 year old Assistant District Attorney prosecuting gangs in the ATL. She will now be known as Abbie Carmichael.

• Amy, aka Bangs, is a 31 yr old massage therapist. Bangs believes she's an artist when it comes to the human body, and none of the men she has dated enjoy her massages. That is either damning dating or career information. 
• Nurse Nikki is a 26 yr old pediatriuc nurse who has a sweet bird tattoo that she most likely regrets.
• Lauren, aka Calamity Jane, is the oldist looking 25 yr old I have ever seen from Oklahoma. As she constantly reminds us during the episode, Calamity Jane hasn't had the easiest life, having recently been dumped by a single father fiance. Oh, and she's totally over that despite bringing it up about 3 times in 5 minutes.
• Valerie is a 26 yr old personal trainer and rougher/tougher version of Abbie Carmichael and Nanny Ally (we'll meet her later). These three look way too similar and one or more will have to go or confusion and chaos will reign.
• Lacy is just your regular 25 yr old nursing home owner who opened her first elderly care facility at 20 years old.
• Clare "Vidal Sassoon or Paul Mitchell?" is a 32 yr old hairstylist from Sacramento. She's also the rarest of birds, a blonde Mexican carrying a DVD from her deceased father to be viewed only by her future husband. RUN, JUAN PABLO. DON'T WALK. RUN.

The sneak peak of the women shows some potential for crazy and Mrs. Dugan and I cannot wait to catch the limo entrances. 

Limo 1

• Amy Local is a 27 yr old local news anchor from Orlando. Did you say local news?
• Cassandra is a 21 yr old former nba dancer from 8 mile with one of the most awkward meetings in Bachelor/ette history. "Uh, nice meeting you." How can you be "fomer" anything at 21?
• Christie is a 24 yr old Marketing Manager from Chicago
• Christine is a 23 yr old Police support specialist. Is that a euphemism for dispatcher? And what's wrong with being a dispatcher?
• We met Nurse Nikki earlier and she brought a stethoscope and offered her heart as a test of her nervousness.

Limo 2

• Kat is a 29 yr old in Medical Sales from Scottsdale. Kat's a dancer and, according to Juan Pablo, "smells good, very good."
• Chantal is a 24 yr old account manager from San Diego
• Victoria is a 24 yr old legal assistant Mrs. Dugan would never let me hire from Boca
• Lucy, aka "Happy Camper" is a 24 yr old "Free Spirit" from Santa Barbara who didn't sport shoes
• Danielle is a 25 yr old Psychiatric Nurse from St. Louis. I would keep a Psychiatric Nurse around with this crowd.
• Lauren, aka "Mozart," is a 26 yr old composer. She showed up in a Piano Bike and messed up. If you are going to rock the piano bike, don't mess up.

Limos 3, 4 and 5

• Chelsie the Science teacher from Columbus drops a sweet "Chemistry" joke but I do like corny.
• Valerie rocks the boots with the dress to show she's the rougher/tougher version of Abbie Carmichael and/or Nanny Alli.
• Elise is a 27 yr old First Grade Teacher from Forty Fort, PA. I wonder if dads volunteer at high rates for her class projects.
• Ashley has big Jackie O hair and is a Teacher from Dallas. Ashley and Calamity Jane will play Mahjong later to determine who is the older looking 25 yr old. 
• "Vidal Sassoon" Clare
• Nanny Alli is a 26 yr old from Chicago who brings out the soccer ball
• Bangs is the crazy 31 yr old Massage Therapist from LA  
• Mama Renee is the 32 yr old real estate agent and seems to have genuine chemistry (take note, Chelsie Pal the Science Gal) with Juan Pablo.
• Calamity Jane is the old 25 yr old Mineral Coordinator from Oklahoma City. Just imagine this conversation in your life:
• What do you do for a living? "I coordinate minerals." Oh, ok.
• Mrs. Dugan pipes in: "She's not going to age well."
• Maggie's a 24 year old Personal Banker from North Augusta, also known as Aiken.
• Kelly's a 27 yr old Dog Lover who brought her dog. Her "occupation" is fucking dog lover. She gets lost walking into the mansion and I guarantee she hung out with "Happy Camper" when she walked in there.
• Lacy is the 25 yr old Nursing Home Owner from La Jolla
• Alexis is a 24 yr old Communications Director from Tampa
• "Galllaudet" Kylie is a 23 yr old interior designer from Rockford, IL
• "Pavarotti" Sharleen is a 29 yr old Opera Singer from Ottawa living in Germany
• Abbie Carmichael comes out last but has to be a favorite to go far.

First Impressions

• It's a fairly attractive group
• A "Free Spirit" and "Dog Lover"…interesting
• Bird Tat Nurse Nikki seems to have a good connection early on
• Mom Renee is going to play the mom card as much as she can
• Free Spirit is going to annoy me and the other girls
• Fleiss and Co. had to consider using a producers rose on Bangs just for the crazy factor
• Bangs brought another gem of a quote when discussing Juan Pablo. "He's beautiful. We have a lot in common."
• How many kids does Chelsie want to have? ALL OF THEM.
• Calamity Jane is coming apart at the seems.
• We have tears. Calamity Jane is crying.
• Pavarotti gets the first impression rose, but doesn’t want it.
• Juan Pablo's going to have to earn Pavarotti's affection.       
• Nurse Nicki, Teacher Elise, and Gallaudet Kylie are pissed regarding Pavarotti's hogging the only rose.

It's Rose Ceremony Time and we know Pavarotti is safe.

• Vidal Sasson
• Nursi Nikki
• Mama Renee
• Abbie Carmichael
• Nanny Alli
• Chantal 
• Mozart
• Dog Lover Kelly
• 8 Mile Cassandra
• Psych Nurse Danielle
• Science Chelsie
• Gallaudet Kylie...

• It was Kat but Gallaudet thought she heard her name. That's embarrassing but only bad if you don't get one of the five roses left...
• Legal Assistant Victoria 
• Christie
• Happy Camper
• Teacher Elise
• Amy Local

Who's going home?

• Bangs
• Calamity Jane
• Valerie was a little too rough/tough compared to her doppelgängers.
• Dallas Teacher Jackie O
• Gallaudet Kylie. OUCH.
• Christine

Highlights for the upcoming season?

Drama.

Until Next week when Wags is here to take these nicknames and run with/improve them.

The Bachelorette Finale Part 2 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

Well it's my last chance for my favorite Monday night parings.  On tonight's menu: Three Twins strawberry ice cream, new scotch I just bought for tonight's finale, and a healthy dose of anxiety and sadness on the way.  Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts.  There are only four possible outcomes tonight, listed from least likely to most likely:

1) She picks Drew Who?
2) She picks Chris
3) Brooks re-enters the finale or After the Final Rose to win her heart (a la Mesnick/Molly . . . a "MesMol")
4) She chooses no one:

After what transpired last week, the only correct choice is #4, but I'm cheering for the awkwardness of #s 1-3.

I have said enough.  Let's start the show.

The show began with sad music, indicating that Des likely still has a broken heart.  Fortunately, Chris Harrison is there to comfort her (i.e. watch her cry).  Mrs. Wags is very concerned that Chris Harrison could be having a difficult time with all of this in light of his recent divorce.  I'm more interested in how Chris Harrison figured out a way for everyone to use his full name at all times.  He's like the opposite of a Brazilian athlete.

There is also another man we should be concerned about: Neil Lane.  In case you have never shopped for an engagement ring before, Neil Lane is the only acceptable person to shop with.  Brooks's departure has put Neil's inevitable appearance in jeopardy.  For that, I will never forgive Brooks.

Last Week's Rose Ceremony, This Week

Though Des can't get two words out without breaking into tears, she still had to have the rose ceremony with Drew Who and Chris.  Des told the guys that Brooks went home (while crying).  She said she's lucky to have two great guys remaining (while crying), and then gave each of them a rose (while crying).  Chris and Drew Who must feel so honored to be there.

I'm really excited to be here.

So far, there have not been any tweets this week.  Apparently every tweeter is in the live studio audience.

(Studio audience sidenote: how great would it be if there was a real celebrity in the studio audience?  I would like to see a drunk Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes.)

Drew Who Gets a Date

Des decided to proceed with the process.  There is no way that Des wanted to go through with these dates, but the contract she surely signed with Fleiss and Co. overrides.

Des says, "something doesn't feel right with Drew."  Interpretation: "I'm still in love with Brooks."

Thirty seconds after saying something doesn't feel right, Drew Who proposed a toast to "falling madly in love."  As soon as he got the words out, Des broke into tears (no surprise) and ended the relationship.  Neil Lane continues to fume at home.

Mrs. Wags and I have been playing "drink every time Des cries."  This post is going to make less and less sense as we continue forward.

Drew Who went home while unconvincingly stating that he lost the only love of his life.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison mentioned for the third time that the Bachelorette has never ended with no winner.  With Drew's exit, we are "entering uncharted waters."  Bachelor Historian Wags would like to point out that Brad's first season chartered a boat and sailed those waters in 2007, rejecting both Deanna and Jenni.

Should have stayed up all night to get lucky.

Chris's Chance

Chris started off the date with Des smiling.  So that's good.

While they sailed around Antigua, the camera cut away to interviews with Des.  She seemed to be talking herself into Chris.  Fortunately for Des, her "heart will find what it needs."   This statement is a microcosm of what has made Des's run as Bachelorette rather mundane.  She only speaks in platitudes.  For the next five minutes, I will only document her useless statements:

"Sometimes life is hard to accept." (8:58 pm)
"It's like emotionally draining." (9:01 pm)
"I wish Brooks was here." (9:02 pm)
"It's been easy to be like 'Oh hey, what's up.'" (9:02 pm)
"It all happens for a reason . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly." (9:02 pm).

(In reality, Des only made four of those statements out loud, but she definitely thought the other one).

Chris gave Des a book of poems.  Des proceeded to break out in tears.  Maybe we WILL get some Neil Lane.

Des decided to introduce Chris to her family.  Her family includes the infamous Nate, her brother/love killer.  Nate peppered Chris with questions.  Chris handled Nate's questions with aplomb and grace.  You don't have a career minor league ERA of 4.64 if you stink at high pressure situations.

Before leaving the Hartsock's, Chris asked (and received) permission from Mr. Hartsock to marry Des.

The Final Rose

NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  Every kiss begins with Neil Lane.    I don't care what happens on the rest of the show.  We got some Neil Lane.  By the way, Neil Lane loves the white dress shirt, no tie, and black sport coat look.  But who doesn't, really?

Neil offers that sage ring buying/life advice, "this is the ring she will look at every day for the rest of her life."  I love how much Neil Lane believes in this show.  He clearly will not let past performance influence his current opinion.

Note the consistent outfit

Chris exited the limo first.  Usually this would be a bad sign, but I do not think anyone else is coming (literally).  Figuratively, on the other hand, last week's episode is getting out of the limo to haunt this relationship going forward.

Before Chris could get down on one knee, Des interrupted to say that Chris is the only one here (hooray Chris!).  But then she admitted that she was falling for Brooks (Chris not feeling so good).  But Brooks helped her realize that she loves Chris the most (I guess this makes sense...if you're covering your butt for last week's episode).  

In all seriousness, can I get a Chris poem please!?

But really, they might actually be good for each other.  I sure hope so (because I believe in true love).  If they can get through watching last week's episode together, they might just make it.  After the proposal, Mrs. Wags said, "this is confusing."  I agree.  I never thought option #2 was possible, but true love finds a way.  

Until next season, with Juan Pablo.

The Bachelorette Finale 1 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

We begin with Des giving the run down on the final three:

• Straight Drew
• Warrior Baseball Poet Chris
• Hockey Hair Brooks

Where is Antigua in relation to your blogging authors? Too far from Wags to even mention.

Drew’s Fast Forward Fantasy Date

Drew and Desiree drive around Antigua taking in the sights and dancing with the locals. The enjoy maracas (who doesn’t?), limbo and a palm frond matchmaker. The dinner/bond fire got rained out and they fast forward to the fantasy suite portion of their night. This is a new dimension to fantasy suites. It’s like they took a shortcut ala the Gumdrop Pass.

Or should I say Rainbow Trail? Get it, Drew? We all do. Quote of the night material: “I just want to give him the world.” Well then, Des. Let’s turn out the lights and let you two get to it.

Hockey Hair Brooks in Utah

We get a sneak peek to upcoming drama with Brooks’ detour to Utah for a pep talk with Mom and Sis. Basically, Brooks likes Des but is feeling the pressure from Fleiss & Co. Liking the girl is not enough. You must propose.

Chris Back in Antigua

We get the obligatory helicopter action and beach hanky panky. Mrs. Dugan gives her traditional eye-roll during the beach make out session. Mrs. Dugan really gets upset at staged nonsense in the sand more than the other staged nonsense that goes on. Why? I have no idea.

Dinner talk includes Des’ willingness to move to Seattle. Des is willing to make things work. Seattle isn’t that bad, what if Chris lived in North Korea?

During the fantasy suite portion of the night, Baseball’s Warrior Poet drops his latest verse:

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bachelor men that day:
The score stood two guys to one, with but one date more to play.
And then when Shirtless Zak died at first, and James did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Brooks could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Brooks at the bat.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Bachelorville - mighty Brooks has struck out.

Brooks sits down with Harrison/Des

Here’s the lowdown. Hockey Hair isn’t feeling it. And he makes a pretty strong point. If Brooks doesn’t feel it amid the puppy dogs and champagne of Bachelor/ette manufactured romance, he doesn’t think its coming. But when Brooks explains the situation to Des, she surprises him by expressing her love.

Brooks: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Des: “I couldn’t.”

I THOUGHT FLEISS & CO WERE HERE TO CREATE TRUE LOVE…NOT DESTROY IT.

This ending with Brooks is making for an awkward finale. Brooks brings the melodrama with his “worst day of my life” bullshit. Really, Brooks? Really? Being flown to Antigua on a free vacation to dump a girl on a reality show is the worst day of your life?

Go to Mogadishu and bitch to Somalians about your life. Until next week with Wags’ write-up.