The Bachelorette(s) Episode 7: Hans' Dublin Sleepover

We have multiple tvs set up in the Dugan house tonight for the Bachelorette and the USWNT. While the USA sailed to a 2-0 victory, tonight’s episode offered some rocky moments for Kaitlyn and her gaggle.

Rose Ceremony and Hit & Run Ian’s Fatal Accident

We continue with the San Antonio Rose Ceremony where Hit & Run Ian’s crash and burn is picking up from last week. Ian decides to trash the guys while lauding his credentials as a potential Bachelor. He then decides to take on Kaitlyn head on accusing her of only being on the show “to make out with a bunch of dudes.”

Digging himself deeper, Ian calls Kaitlyn “shallow.” He then laments the loss of vulnerable Kaitlyn who Farmer Chris left in shambles. He’s not interested in a self confidant and funny woman. This little window into his criticisms revealed a lot about our friend Hit & Run Ian. Ian doesn’t think humor is important. He’s also still single. Perhaps it’s more important than Ian realizes.

Ian calls himself the following:

“Too deep a thinker” 

“Too self aware” 

“Interesting” 

“Punished for being an intellectual”

“Destined to be the Bachelor”

Hold on there, Baba Looey. 

You went too far with that last one. Let’s check in with fellow Princeton alumni for their reaction?

Sorry Ian, You Tiger Now

As for the rest of the roses, we already know that Hans, Ugly Gosling, and Role Models Ben are safe.

Dr. Harris DDS, who the show calls Cupcake, dropped the oddest QOTN: “There’s a reason they call Texas the Wild West because things are getting out of hand.”

Do they call Texas the Wild West? Ummm. Ok. Joining them in rose safety?

• Chris Quinn
• Dr. Harris DDS
• Federal JJ
• American Pharoah
• Trainer Ben
• Tanner Dog

Goodbye Other Trainer Justin and Welder Josh – The two men most in need of a haircut are given the close shave and try to catch up with Ian’s limo on its way to Bachelor in Paradise.

We’re off to Dublin

In Dublin's fair city,

Where the girls are so pretty,

I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone,

As she wheeled her wheel-barrow,

Through streets broad and narrow,

Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"

"Alive, alive, oh,

Alive, alive, oh,"

Crying "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh".

She was a fishmonger,

But sure 'twas no wonder,

For so were her father and mother before,

And they wheeled their barrows,

Through the streets broad and narrow,

Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"

(chorus)

She died of a fever,

And no one could save her,

And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone.

But her ghost wheels her barrow,

Through streets broad and narrow,

Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"

Nick’s Overnight Date

Kaitlyn and Nick wear matching yoga pants and enjoy some of Dublin’s famous sites and sounds including St. Stephen’s Green, Grafton Street, river dance and pubs. Matching Claddagh rings were purchased as Hans settles in as the favorite. We have a lot of kissing and Jameson’s. Dugan’s going to go on record here: Irish Whiskey does not help you make good decisions.

Not designed by Neil Lane

I question why this handsy couple is in a church. I assume it must be a Protestant church but later Hans reports it was one of our friends headed by the Bishop of Rome.

The rest of the date goes like this:

The next morning, we get a Mesnick from Kaitlyn. She’s fluctuating between and not for her night spent with Hans. "I felt like we deserved that time together”

Chemistry. Check.

Emotions. Check. 

Passion. Check.

Favorite. Check.

In Kaitlyn’s defense, she offers a pretty strong defense: “I’ve never dated this many guys.”

Group Wake with Tanner Dog, Trainer Ben, Ugly Gosling, Role Models, Dr. Harris, and Chris Quinn.

The men arrive to find Kaitlyn in a coffin and they most offer eulogies. 

Morbid. Check.

Weird. Check.

Other things to do in Dublin. Might have us here, Fleiss & Co.

Some notes for the rest of this group date.

• Tanner Dog goes self-deprecating.
• Chris Quinn grabs a kiss.
• Dr. Harris sings Danny Boy.
• Role Models Ben went for humor.
• Ugly Gosling goes after Hans.
• Trainer Ben kicks the guys out and gets too serious.
• The Guinness Storehouse serves as the Wake After Party
• Jared gets the rose.
• Gosling is starting to crack under the pressure. 
• Fleiss & Co. let us behind the scenes and show Gosling talking to his show handler.
• The Cranberries are Kaitlyn’s favorite band. The Cranberries are anyone’s favorite band? Let me google them….they’ve sold over 40 MILLION ALBUMS?
• Gosling wants to have his Hans moment and we have to wait until next week to find out.

Mrs. Dugan drops my quote of the night: “There’s more to Ireland than churches and booze.”

Oh really?

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 6: Hans the Heel

So I was just doing a little research about ice cream.  I found out that King Tang of Shang invented ice cream.  I then figured that his name required at least a cursory google image search.  Much to my delight, here he is:

The Next Bachelor

How badly do I want his hat?  The answer: very badly.  I wish more contestants on the Bachelor wore more creative clothing like this.  How many monochromatic v-necks can we handle?  Tonight, let's be inspired by King Tang and get weird.  Without further ado, it's Hans time....

Hans

Hans arrived to meet the guys and received a predictably chilly reception.  Tanner Dog broke the ice by noting that the tabloids said Hans hung out with Andi a few weeks ago.  Though the guys are not allowed to watch TV or make phone calls, apparently they are allowed to read all issues of US Weekly and People.  

Welder Josh then tried to take on Hans.  The Welder seemed troubled by Hans calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick," while he sees her as an "amazing woman."  It seems like a nit picky distinction.  Mrs. Wags observed that Welder Josh is an "industrial" welder and is used to dealing with massive tools.  Boom Hans.  

Cocktail Party

All of the guys went to Citi Field for the cocktail party.  Citi Field is used to housing baseball players that are losers, so it should accommodate the Bachelorette contestants with ease.  

Speaking of losers, Federal JJ decided to run around the bases carrying Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn asked to touch "home base."  Not much baseball in Canada, eh?

Ugly Gosling, deeply troubled and unnecessarily threatened by Hans, told Kaitlyn that he wished she were smarter and should not have brought Hans back.  Since when is intelligence a valued trait on this show?  (Sidenotes: Mrs. Wags pointed out that the ugly duckling became the swan in the end.  Also, clams have the highest amount of iron of any food.  She's having trouble focusing).  

Mid-show Rose Ceremony

In the freezing cold polar vortex rose ceremony, Chris Harrison made the briefest appearance in recent memory.  Joining Dr. Harris DDS, Justin, and Chris Quinn with roses was:

Role Models Ben

Trainer Ben

Ugly Gosling

Tanner Dog

American Pharaoh Joe

Hit n Run Ian

Federal Prisoner JJ

Welder Josh

Hans

Ice skating back to the hotel roseless was Detroit Jonathan, Realtor Ryan, and One of the Two Coreys.

In an effort to get out of the heat (and save some production money), Fleiss & Co. decided to take the show to San Antonio. I can't wait to learn about San Antonio, because all I know right now is the river walk, the Alamo, and Tim Duncan.  

Solo Date #1: Role Models Ben

Welder Josh saw them drive off on their date and said he really missed his truck.  I feel similarly about my car.

Kaitlyn drove Role Model to a classic dance hall in order to learn how to dance.  Later that night, they were scheduled to dance in a two-step competition later that night.  I hope Role Models takes to dancing better than me.  After two months of dance lessons in preparation for Mrs. Wags and my first dance, I still biffed it.  

The live band thankfully played songs that included instructions in the words (slow....quick, quick....slow).  I love songs that have dance instructions.

The date continued to a rooftop dinner.  With the requisite amount of Chardonnay and a strong rooftop breeze, Role Model opened up about past relationships. When asked if he's ready for commitment since he's only 26, Role Models responded that there's always a lot of fear when starting a relationship. Really?  Fear?  I only experience fear when watching a preview of The Whispers or when Lebron drives to the hoop.

Role Models earned the date rose.

Group Date: Justin, Chris Quinn Jared, Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, Tanner Dog, American Pharaoh Joe, Federal JJ, Trainer Ben, Welder Josh, and Hans

The date started off with a 12 year old mariachi singer named Sebastian De La Cruz serenading Kaitlyn.  I thought he looked familiar.  I was right.  Remember this?

Kaitlyn challenged the guys to mariachi serenade her.  It was a given that they were all going to be terrible.  At least they all gave max effort.  

The evening portion of the date was at a ranch house.  Welder Josh decided to let Kaitlyn cut his hair. Kaitlyn, apparently a very amateur barber, may never work for Vidal Sassoon, but she definitely could be the best stylist at SuperCuts.  

Welder Josh decided to air his Hans-grievances with Kaitlyn.  Experienced fans know this is the kiss-of-death.  

When Kaitlyn entered the room to confront the guys, all of them stood up.  Though this is probably out of respect, it would be awesome to have Chris Harrison standing by as the Bachelorette-Bailiff.  When Kaitlyn enters the room, Harrison booms "All rise.  Hear Ye. Hear Ye.  I present the Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe.  You may be seated."  

With Neil Lane as Judge Harry Crane

Kaitlyn gave the date rose to Hans, almost taunting the other guys.  

Solo Date #2: Ugly Gosling

If you're wondering why Mrs. Wags has not chimed in recently, it's because she's been asleep for the last hour.  

The date was kayaking down the river.  Kaitlyn said she had never been kayaking before.  This was shocking to me at first, but then I realized that maybe I've just been brought up so privileged to think that everyone has kayaked of course.  This requires a poll for me to sort out my life.  

Have you ever kayaked?

Yes

No

 

pollcode.com free polls

On the date, Ugly Gosling revealed that he got in a bad car accident, barely survived, and recently started wearing seat belts.  Ugly confessed that it's hard to let your guard down and fall in love.  I just had a weird realization:  this show feels like a romantic comedy; almost scripted.  Do you think it's possible that the contestants on this show are all aspiring actors?  Nah.  Neil Lane would never allow it.  

To no one's surprise, Ugly Gosling got a date rose.  

Back at the House

Wasting no time, Hit n Run Ian delivered the QOTN: "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton graduate, former model, that defied death and has been around the world a couple times." Maybe she's looking for a guy with some humility.  You don't hear Ugly Gosling bragging about how he once beat 10 levels of Candy Crush in one day.  

Cocktail Party #2

Chris Quinn Jared said he's falling in love with Kaitlyn.  It sure seems like guys are pulling the love-trigger a little early this season.  

Hit n Run Ian topped of his previous QOTN with another dandy: "I have a lot of sex."  Well then.  

Hit n Run decided to go out with "guns blazing."  He told Kaitlyn that he's done with guys making "fart jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes."  He then called her shallow and accused her of having nothing below the surface.  

For the fourth week in a row...to be continued until next week.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 5 Recap: The Gif that Keeps on Giving

We pick up this episode where we left the last. Tension building in the house and most of it dealing with Clint/Thor. Every guy but Federal JJ appears to be narcing on Thor and our Bachelorette has had enough.

It boils down to this for Kaitlyn: “This is not someone I want to marry.” Thor is out the door and Kaitlyn explains it to the guys. Out of nowhere, JJ thrusts the knife into Thor’s back demanding he apologize to the guys.

Et tu, Federal JJ?

While it was tough to see the bromance breakup, the parting shot was a highlight. Thor insulted Federal JJ’s tie on the way out! Ouch.

Kaitlyn needs more time and the rose ceremony is cancelled. It’s time to hit the road and New York, New York is stop No. 1.

New York Rap Battle

It’s a Group Date with Detroit Jonathon, Other Trainer Justin, Trainer Ben, Realtor Ryan, One of the Two Coreys, Tanner Dog, Federal JJ, and The Ugly Gosling.

Doug E. Fresh is introduced as The World’s Greatest Entertainer. I start to question that moniker until I realize he sang la di da di AND he’s hosting the Bachelor/ette’s first Rap Battle. If there’s something Wags and I know as well as the Bachelor/ette, it’s Rap Battles. Living in the mean streets of 7 1/3 will do that to you.

We lived here. Seriously. 7 1/3 for life.

And we saw 8 mile in the theaters.

Ugly Gosling v. Other Trainer Justin

Coreys v. JJ

Ben v. Tanner Dog

Detroit Jonathan v. Realtor Ryan

Rap Battle Highlights:

• Fed JJ has never listened to any rap. This is an absurd statement. Never? Not even accidentally? Not in a movie soundtrack? He then makes another, almost as absurd statement: he prefers broadway show tunes. How’d that work out in prison, JJ? I bet he kept that to himself. I’ve seen Orange is the New Black, so I know what its like to be in prison.
• This is by far the whitest and highest percentage women crowd in rap battle crowd history.
• The crowd does include one male, Hans.
• And Mrs. Dugan points out who Hans is with. The Maculate Virgin. This is a hall of fame nickname couple.
• Kaitlyn dropped a funny line about it being the first rap battle with two guys in khakis.
• The guys have an after party on a boat. My favorite rappers on a boat? Easy call.

The night fell flat as the guys began to fear Hans entering the fray. Most of the guys did not approve, Other Trainer Justin didn’t mind and that secured the rose.

Hans and Maculate Virgin were not the only cameos as Crazy Ashley jumps in to offer thoughts on Hans. She was surprisingly lucid.

Hans Nick B. Rain Cloud

One on One with Chris Quinn Jared

We get formal clothing and The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Sadly, my photoshop of the old Jordan v. Bird video game is more exciting than this date.

A Neil Lane reference tugs at our emotions, and we get a helicopter ride.

Chris Quinn: “You’ve never been on a helicopter?”

Kaitlyn:  “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Why is that not shocking despite Kaitlyn’s lengthy run on the Bachelor? Were they going to show sweeping views of Arlington, Iowa?

Broadway Group Date

Hit n Run Ian, Dr. Harris DDS, American Pharoah, Welder Josh, and Role Models Ben have to sing and dance and act to get on the main Aladdin stage.

“Oh Dear God” from Welder Josh is my QOTN.

Highlights

• American Pharoah is similarly concerned and absolutely becoming a Dugan favorite. He has no chance to win but I want him to go far.
• Mrs. Dugan pointed out ABC’s cross-promotional reach having Scandal’s Cyrus Beane judge the Disney play auditions. Beane dropped this when reviewing Dr. Harris DDS: “I don’t think he’s mocking it. I just don’t think he knows what he’s doing”

• Dr. Harris gets the rose and teaches us that the New Year’s Even Times Square Ball is the Centerpiece of the universe. It is?

Justin, Chris Quinn, and Dr. Harris are safe. And so is everyone else since rose ceremonies don’t happen anymore. Until next week when Hans busts in the group.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 4 Recap: Two Days Late, Many Dollars Short

Dear Fans,

The four of you are probably wondering why this week's recap is two days late.  I apologize, as I was on vacation in New York.  Strangely, it was impossible to convince my family on the East coast to allow a few hours on our long weekend trip to blog the Bachelorette.  They did not want to see how the sausage is made.  Speaking of sausage, let's watch the show.

Sincerely,

Wags (with ice cream and whiskey in hand)


We resume this week with the Human Meltdown, King Kupah.  While he was screaming in the driveway about how the process was not for him, he unleashed a QOTN nominee, "[This process] might be for Cupcake."  It would not be the first time a guy nicknamed Cupcake had done well on the Bachelorette.  Please refer back to 2011.  Dugan and I have been at this for a long time, and we're not getting any younger.

From our college days

Last Week's Rose Ceremony Continued

After King Kupah left not-so-quietly, Kaitlyn (the second most popular reality show Kaitlyn/Caitlyn this week), had to get back to business.  Chris Quinn Jared boggled my mind when he said, "nobody doesn't want to see Kaitlyn anymore."  It is an even harder statement to understand when written down.  His declaration might have given me a mild concussion.  

Roses went to:

Chris Quinn Jared (Second guy on the show with a shiner)

Role Models Ben H.

Ugly Gosling Shawn

Detroit Jonathan

Tanner Dog

Dr. Harris, DDS

Realtor Ryan

Justin (Maybe also has a black eye?  Fleiss & Co. really blew it with the boxing challenge)

Hit and Run Ian

Welder Josh

American Pharaoh Joe

One of the Two Coreys

Tony The Dude (I thought he was going home for sure.  He was happy to go home to his bonsai trees (he really said this).  The Dude then deeply stated, "I see the world through the eyes of a child, have the heart of a warrior, and a gypsy soul."  For those keeping track at home, we're 12:30 into the show and we have ANOTHER QOTN nominee.)

Joining King Kupah in the goodbye limo was Fashion Designer Daniel and The Other Corey That Has a Daughter and Needs to Get Home to Her.  

Now this week's episode can finally begin with...

SUMO WRESTLING!!!

Group Date #1: Dr. Harris, DDS, Tony The Healer (Mrs. Wags thought the sumo wrestler pronouncing his name said Donny.  I thought he said Thonny.  But that's not a real name), Federal JJ, Ugly Gosling, Clint, and American Pharaoh Joe 

While the theme of this season seems to be how much Fleiss and Co. can physically abuse the guys, at least Trainer Ben is not on the date to destroy the guys.  

Once Federal Prisoner JJ got in his sumo underpants, he showed off a rather large shoulder tattoo.  I know where he got it:

Prison

The guys had to take on sumo wrestlers that were supposedly real and supposedly good.  I say "supposedly," because what are they doing on a reality show in LA if they're good?  I have a feeling Lebron and Curry don't do reality shows in Finland.

Predictably, the guys got demolished.  The Dude thought he was going to dominate, but he not only got slapped around, but the sumo guy laughed at him while slapping him in the head.  It was thoroughly embarrassing.  The Dude then got in an argument with Kaitlyn about all of the aggressive challenges.  

As the The Dude's drama dragged on, I continued to ponder Federal Prisoner JJ's tattoos.  I now believe they look less prisoner-y and more:

I think I see this guy on my commute

The date continued with the guys in a round-robin sumo tournament.  Thor Clint lived up to his nickname and dominated the competition.  The Dude decided to skip the contest and then head home to his bonsai trees.  But before he left, he wanted one last word with Kaitlyn (i.e. one last opportunity to prove that he is Bachelor in Paradise material).  Without much of a fight, Kaitlyn let The Dude go home.

Maybe I want a bonsai house

Ugly Gosling made the wise choice to avoid any date drama, and he earned the date rose for it.

Solo Date #1: Trainer Ben

The date, planned by Chris Harrison, took them to a mysterious warehouse.  At first, they were locked in a room with pigeons.  First, gross.  Second, Kaitlyn is scared of birds.  Third, can you really be scared of birds if you have these tattoos?

Put a bird on it

Kaitlyn shuddered at the sound  of birds.  Once inside the room, the birds seemed like the least of their concerns.  They were in a room of horrors; severed limbs, ghosts, blood.  Somehow, it kind of reminded me of Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I loved this show.

Eventually, they got out of the house.  It was never really in question because if the going got tough, Trainer Ben could just punch a hole through the wall.

After revealing that he has not cried in eleven years, Trainer Ben got the date rose.  Prediction: Trainer Ben will cry for the first time in eleven years on this season of the Bachelorette.

Group Date #2: Detroit Jonathan, Role Models Ben, Welder Josh, Realtor Ryan, Chris Quinn Jared, and Tanner Dog

The last date of the episode started in a elementary school sex ed classroom.  Needless to say, this was not my experience at Catholic junior high.  The only rule I knew growing up was to leave room for the Holy Spirit.

The runaway QOTN winner came from Welder Josh: "Everything I learned about sex was from watching our cows."

The guys started teaching anatomy, and all of the kids seemed grossed out.  The class atmosphere got a little strange during the Q&A with the students.  The kids started asking questions that were pretty advanced.  And by "advanced," I mean "I can't print any of them in our lightly-read blog."  

It turned out that the guys and the viewers were actually being pranked.  The kids were all child actors made to ask these uncomfortable questions.  I guess it was okay that they were child actors, but it kind of reminded me of Vice's Kids Telling Dirty Jokes videos (I laugh at them, and then feel bad).  

Back at the house, Fleiss & Co. convinced Thor Clint and Federal Prisoner JJ to pretend that they might be falling in love with each other, an obvious ploy to get attention from US Weekly.  

On the date, Kaitlyn had a slow dance on a corporate building roof (Bachelor staple) with Chris Quinn.  She said he's the most manly in the house.  Nothing says manly like a guy that can't grow and beard and wears flair to work.  Much to Quinn's surprise, Role Models Ben got the date rose.

The Second Rose Ceremony

(Unrelated side note: I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight after accidentally watching a commercial for the new ABC horror show The Whispers).

Thor Clint became one of the more unique villains in reality dating show history by admitting that he has no interest in Kaitlyn, but continuing to pursue her because he wants to stay on the show in order to hang out more with Federal Prisoner JJ.  

All of the guys dished on Thor Clint.  Kaitlyn went to confront him for more drama, and then....

...continued to next week.

Until next week, when Dugan continues to sell the drama.

Did you know today is Mrs. Dugan's birthday?

Yes

Well, it is.

Poll Maker

The Bacherlorette: The Doublemint Episodes Are Over? Or Not.

We have eliminated Britt but the Bachelorette hasn’t officially become the Kaitlyn show just yet. We still have the Brady situation to deal with. Britt’s emotional call to mom was immediately followed by Brady’s visit. It’s incredibly fortunate that a camera crew was there to capture the moment. And the rest of the episode showed brief glimpses of the budding Brady/Britt romance. It’s odd that by failing to become the Bachelorette, Britt has a much better chance of a normal relationship. Sadly, it’s with a former baseball player turned singer. Which coincidentally significantly lowers your chance for a normal relationship.

Anyways, back to Kaitlyn’s search for true love.

Bachelorette Boxing

• Fashion Designer Daniel
• Justin
• Chris Quinn Jared
• One of the Two Coreys
• Tanner Dog
• King Kupah
• Role Models Ben
• Trainer Ben

Laila Ali impresses the guys and gives them some tips. Here’s the training highlights:

• Trainer Ben is a monster and I fear for anyone stepping into the ring with him.
• Role Models Ben breaks a window jumping rope and shows he has no chance.
• King Kupah spends more time with a rugged trainer than Kaitlyn.
• Kaitlyn’s offered up a QOTN nominee: “I forgot he was even on this date”
• Tanner Dog, while concerned about his face, is also worried his first ever fight is happening on national television. 
• Do you think fights happen less often today? 
• I know they happened more frequently in the 60s and I have evidence.

 Final Thoughts

• After scrappy Chris Quinn Jared tells Trainer Ben not to take it easy on him, Trainer Ben obliges. It was ugly and CQJ went to the hospital.
• CQJ still managed some one on one time and a kiss. Side note – You should not feel special if this Bachelorette kisses you.
• CQJ reads the cue cards: “My head may hurt, but my heart never felt better.” Gag.
• Trainer Ben deservedly gets the rose.

This took far too long to create.

Underwater Thor

Thor gets the year’s first one-on-one and here’s what we need to know about the date:

• He’s an architectural engineer from Chicago.
• He gave the Chris Harrison Triceratops
• After meeting the photographer, he gets a little handsy. I asked Mrs. Dugan if I saw what I thought I saw.

I did. I did.

• Kaitlyn is a nose holder when jumping into the water.
• Rose Secured

Stand-Up Bachelor Men

• Federal Prisoner JJ
• Detroit Jonathan
• Welder Josh
• Dr. Harris DDS
• Hit n Run Ian
• American Pharaoh
• The Dude

There isn’t much to say about the performances other than comedienne Amy Schumer taking apart JJ.

JJ and The Dude

There’s a story developing throughout the episode pitting the Federal Prisoner JJ against The Dude. We have the over-confident villain and the healing preacher. JJ gives updates why he is better than all the guys. The Dude gives a soliloquy on love. He also calls Kaitlyn “Britt” so this love doctor better learn the girl’s name or he isn’t going to last long. JJ and The Dude reminds me of BJ and the Bear. I don’t know why, but I do know that Photoshop would only ruin this masterpiece.

Date highlights

• The Dude’s stand-up performance was bizarre.
• Federal Prisoner JJ’s review: “I couldn’t even hear him because my own brain is shutting down.”
• Welder drops a QOTN nominee: “I’m a love virgin.” Damn, these guys practiced their lines tonight. He’s obviously HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
• The Dude refuses to be lapped in the cheesy line off: “I’m not here for her. I’m here for us.”
• There are so many quotes coming out of The Dude that I simply can’t/refuse to list them. He’s approaching Hippie Guard and Protect Your Heart territory.
• Confident Federal Prisoner JJ turns into Prescient JJ and gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony Party

Federal Prisoner JJ, Trainer Ben and Thor are safe and the guys agree to give those without a date some time with the Bachelorette. Fed Prisoner JJ grabs her first instead cementing the villain role.

King Kupah is concerned things aren’t moving fast enough and doesn’t want to be a token cast member here for his race. When confronting Kaitlyn, she gently reminds him that he was the only guy that didn’t come up to her during training for the boxing group date. Knocked on his heels, King Kupah never recovers and a meltdown ensues. Before becoming fully engulfed, he delivers my QOTN: “I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot.”

The King Kupah tire fire continues next week.

The Bachelorette: Doublemint Edition, Hour Three

So last night I was very excited to watch the two hour premiere of the Bachelorette, thinking it would be the only episode until next week.  I had my once-a-week whiskey and ice cream.  Much to my excitement (and horror), I get to celebrate tonight with an additional hour of the Bachelorette.  It's double the bachelorettes and double the desserts.  I guess it's technically 50% more Bachelorette and 100% more desserts.  (Unrelated side note: Mrs. Wags does not seem pleased that we are turning off the Pitch Perfect marathon to watch more Bachelorette).  (Related side note: Have I ever admitted on the blog that I pretty much force Mrs. Wags to watch the Bachelorette?).

Enough about me, let's figure out who our Bachelorette is going to be.

The show resumed at the cocktail party.   With fifty five minutes left in the episode, Harrison revealed to Britt that the guys saw a future with Kaitlyn and not with her.  Britt got in the stretch limo (excessive for one person?) and cried (shocker).

Extra leg space for Britt's tears

Harrison told Kaitlyn that she won.  I feel like America also won.  I take that back.  She's Canadian, so North America won.

Sorry Greenland

Welder Joshua gave Kaitlyn a steel rose.  She loved that he built it because it said, "I'm a man!"  Kaitlyn is going to be a fun Bachelorette. 

The guys started scrambling for the first impression rose.  It seems like a really diverse crowd of guys, with a startling number of fitness trainers.  

Tony The Dude was not as excited because he was in the "hardcore Britt" camp.  He said he was confused.  I think he might be confused because he has a residual concussion from that black eye.  

Chris Quinn Jared admitted that he voted for Britt.  

Federal Prisoner JJ said he was 1000% in for Kaitlyn.  Expressing a percentage above 100% is a pet peeve of mine.  Earlier he said that he was 1000% in for Britt.  Apparently his tendency to lie did not get rehabilitated in prison.

Federal prison is the best

Dr. Chris Harris, DDS got the first kiss.  I'll bet he has good breath because he always uses mouthwash and flosses, as required by himself.

Ugly Gosling one-upped DDS Harris by getting the first impression rose and two kisses.  Mrs. Wags thinks they should just end the season now and give the final rose to Ugly Gosling.  

The rose ceremony followed shortly after, proving this show really could be just one hour per week.

Rose Receivers in addition to Ugly Gosling

DDS Chris Harris
Ben H.
Federal Prisoner JJ
American Pharaoh Joe
King Koopa
Daniel
Welder Joshua
The Dude Tony

At this point, Singer Brady pulled Britt aside and interrupted the rose ceremony.  There are no rules on this show.  Why doesn't every dude just do whatever they want?  Dugan, how about we write a strategy guide for how to succeed on this show?  (We'll discuss offline).



Forget what I just wrote.  Singer Brady left the show because he liked Britt more.  Though I do not respect his minor league baseball career or singing career, I have to respect his exit.

Back to the roses:

Clint aka Thor
40 year old Corey (Kaitlyn used his full name when she called him up.  I cannot remember this ever happening)
Jonathan
Other Cory (She used his full last name.  I only remember this happening one other time in Bachelor history)
Ben C. (no full last name.  I do not know what to think anymore)
Tanner Dog
HitnRun Ian
Justin
Chris Quinn Jared (Usually the last rose is the Fleiss & Co. producer pick.  I think our man Chris Quinn is going to provide some crazy this season)

Early exits went to:

The Amateur Sex Coach (DAMMIT)
David
Bradley
Magic Josh (Goodbye to our first good nickname)

Overall, I am fairly pleased with the direction this season is going.

Until next week...

The Bachelorette:Doublemint Edition

This season we have double the Bachelorettes and half the viewers. ZING! You want to know why Farmer Chris’ debut was so much better than the Britt/Kaitlyn mash up? Three words and one very important distinction. THE ALBINO RHINO. I think he should provide a cameo in every premiere episode. It could be the Bachelor/ette’s version of Jay Thomas visiting Letterman for Christmas. Having said that, let’s stroll down memory lane and remember how we got here. Farmer Chris cut both actress Britt and comedienne Kaitlyn. We have a first with two women competing for the role of Bachelorette. Fleiss & Co. have been working with Britt and Kaitlyn to perfect their roles. The serious and sincere actress v. the laid back jokester. It’s difficult typing “sincere” as an adjective for Britt, but she read her lines so well.

Here’s a run-down with links to additional information for this season’s contestants. Much like your bloggers, they span the country from California to Florida, as well as from Texas to Canada and range in age from 25 to 35.

Ben H., 26, a software salesman from Denver, CO

Ben Z., 26, an entrepreneur from San Jose, CA

Bradley, 25, an international auto shipper from Atlanta, GA

Brady, 33, a singer-songwriter from Nashville, TN

Chris, 28, a dentist from Nashville, TN

Clint, 27, an architectural engineer from Chicago, IL

Corey, 30, an investment banker from New York, NY

Cory, 35, a residential developer from Pearland, TX

Daniel, 28, a fashion designer from Nashville, TN

David, 28, a real estate agent from Orlando, FL

Ian, 28, an executive recruiter from Los Angeles, CA

Jared, 26, a restaurant manager from Warwick, RI

JJ, 32, a former investment banker from Denver, CO

Joe, 28, an insurance agent from Columbia, KY

Jonathan, 33, an automotive spokesman, Detroit, MI

Josh, 27, a laws student and exotic dancer, Chicago, IL

Joshua, 31, an industrial welder from Kuna, ID

Justin, 28, a fitness trainer from Naperville, IL

Kupah, 32, an entrepreneur from Boston, MA

Ryan B., 32, a realtor from Wellington, FL

Ryan M, 28, a junkyard specialist from Kansas City, MO (Don’t get too attached here)

Shawn B., 28, a personal trainer from Windsor Locks, CT

Shawn E., 31, an amateur sex coach from Ontario, Canada

Tanner, 28, an auto finance manager from Kansas City, MO

Tony, 35, a healer from St. Louis, MO

We get a sneak peak of some of the guys in their home towns and here are the highlights:

• Jonathan has a 5 yr old son named after an American Gladiator (“Sky”) and enjoys winter sports.
• Later, we find another contestant named a kid after an American Gladiator: Aurelius. Well done.
• Joe, aka American Pharaoh, is from Kentucky and loves horses. I was on the fence with the American Pharaoh nickname then his hair matched the pharaoh and it became too easy.  

• Josh, aka Magic Josh, is a law school graduate who moonlights as a male stripper.
• Brady is a former big leaguer who sings about his glory days as a Nashville singer
• Idaho Welder Joshua brings an early favorite for Quote of the Night (hereinafter “QOTN”) “Love and welding have a lot in common”
• Hit n Run Ian is a Princeton man and a former track athlete who hasn't let the serious accident slow him down
• Jared, aka Chris Quinn, is a Warwick, Rhode Island restaurant manager. Just for kicks, I looked up restaurants in Warwick, Rhode Island via TripAdvisor. Yes, that is both Longhorn Steakhouse and Texas Roadhouse in the top 10.  
• Oh, you are confused by the Chris Quinn nickname? No longer…

• Tony, aka The Dude, abides

• Trainer Ben from San Jose misses his mom and wants a wife.

Let's move on and meet the rest of the men as they entered the show. As discussed on previous premiere episodes, this is late and all nicknames are to be considered in production and always subject to change should a better or funnier option present itself. We welcome suggestions in the comments.

Limo 1.

• Ben, aka Role Model, is a software salesman from Colorado who sponsors children. I don’t know what that means?
• He also later sets himself apart by asking Kaitlyn about her tattoos. Kaitlyn informed the viewers that Chris never asked about her tattoos. (Ok, I find that very interesting. I feel like I could do an entire blog entry about Chris’ failure to ask Kaitlyn about her tattoos but I digress…)

• Jonathan comes out of the limo and basically ignores Kaitlyn
• Clint, aka Thor, is an Archie Engineer from Chicago
• First impressions? Meh. But when he later gives Kaitlyn a framed picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops? FAVORITE!
• Realtor Ryan calls Britt a Disney Princess
• Chris Quinn continues the parade of early men interested in Britt over Kaitlyn.
• Kupah – aka King Koopa, continues the Britt Love as Kaitlyn begins to wonder if the deck is stacked against her.

Limo 2

• Singer Brady also prefers Britt
• Cory, a Residential Developer from Texas, switched things up and prefers Kaitlyn
• Hit n Run Ian also prefers Kaitlyn
• JJ immediately annoys Mrs. Dugan and I by listing his occupation as “former investment banker”. Are you retired? Unemployed? What is your current occupation? I’m a former bond hall computer consultant but I don’t list that on business cards today.
• He does win over Kaitlyn’s heart with a joke right up her alley…“I would love to puck you”
• Ryan, aka The Junkyard Dog, is going to be our comet this season. Burn bright, Junkyard Dog, as you will not last long.
• Brad, the international car shipper, made a tennis “love” joke and you know Dugan loves corny.
• Daniel dances like Elaine Benes and is in the fashion industry
• Magic Josh shows his skills and Kaitlyn is not impressed: “Britt, you can have him”
• American Pharaoh brings Moonshine and Kaitlyn obliges. The Dude approves.
• Justin brings Helium Balloons for Kaitlyn and Britt is starting to get annoyed at the lack of gifts.
• Tanner is a dog’s name but also the name of a 28 yr old Auto Finance Manager who brought Britt tissues
• Shawn B, is a personal trainer who asks for a group hug. I have considered Menage a Shawn or The Ugly Gosling which mixes Ugly Duckling with Ugly Gosling. Works on multiple levels. Wheels within Wheels. Let us know.

Limo 3

• David, an Orlando Real Estate Agent prefers Kaitlyn
• Corey, an Investment Banker/volleyball player from NY also heads Kaitlyn’s way first
• Healer Tony, The Dude, lets both women know that “the universe provides”
• The Dude also had a black eye which received no explanation.

The Junkyard Dog gets “white-boy wasted” according to King Koopa and here are the highlights lowlights

• He explains to the group of men, women and staffers that he’s “Horned up”
• Drinks fireball on the rocks
• “I’m sorry I’m so awesome”
• He wants to date both
• “I WILL APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!”
• Drops some Champ Kind Anchorman quotes
• Goes swimming
• Knocks a picture off the wall
• Lunges at Britt
• Grabs Kaitlyn’s butt
• When confronted by the amateur sex coach, responds “You do suck, by the way”
• Fights with the former investment banker JJ
• Gets kicked off the show.

Let’s wrap up and meet the final few guys

• The Amateur Sex Coach (What, that’s a profession?) arrives in a hot tub car
• Dentist Chris, is a Mad Men Dr. Harris doppelgänger, and shows up in a cupcake car
• Welder Joshua from Idaho shows up
• Ben the fitness coach pops on in

The ladies share a few final words with the men. Kaitlyn’s joke falls flat and Britt said she wants an “adventure partner.” I want to know how many times Britt practiced that line. I actually think Juan Pablo may have treated the Bachelor/ette more seriously than Britt. She is the biggest joke ever. However, these guys are dumb enough to fall for her acting and she could leave a lot of men in her wake.

I’ll leave you with this gem from the Junkyard Dog who will be dearly missed.

“If you could be any superhero, which one would you be?” “Wolverine. He is awesome-looking, ripped, has attitude, and doesn't take any crap”

Until next week, friends.