The Bachelorette Episode 10: It's Neil Lane Time

It's finale night.  You know what that means, right?  It means true love will be found! (okay, maybe not).  It means Neil Lane will be on the show! (not a guarantee).  It means Chris Harrison will finally get the air time he deserves! (unlikely).

There is only one thing guaranteed in this crazy, mixed-up Bachelor/ette world: I will be celebrating with Four Roses bourbon and ice cream one last time!  And to completely come clean, I had a small glass of Rosé with dinner. I don't know what's in store for Andi, but this will easily be my most romantic drinking night of the season. But enough about my vices, let's continue with the recap.

This final episode is coming to you live with Chris B. Harrison, our spiritual guide and beacon of light for hopeless romantics everywhere.  Harrison drops a bomb on the audience: the guy who lost is still in love and even went to Mexico on one of Andi's vacations to try and win her back (read: one of these guys is really, really pitiful).  

Hans Meets the Fam

Hans, my pick to win it all, met Andi's family.  Andi's dad, Hy, said he's never seen one of Andi's dates so nervous.  How crazy is it that her dad has a reference point for comparison?  You know you've been involved with ABC's The Bachelor/ette too long when your dad can say something like that.  

Hans tells the Dorfmans that he loves that Andi is a "career-driven" woman. Does Hans realize that Andi has quit her job twice to be on this show?  As Detective Dugan previously pointed out, she probably only worked as a lawyer for 18 months, max.  Let's just say I'm not prepared to give her any awards.  

That's Gloria Steinem, real feminist.  

Andi Dorman, anti-feminist and part-time Kardashian impersonator

As I was typing, the date just flew by.  Hans got permission to marry Andi.  

Josh Griffey Jr. Meets the Fam

Josh also arrived to meet Andi's family.  Hy said Josh was nervous.  Josh said Josh was nervous.  I even got nervous (but only after I noticed that Andi's sister had a tattoo of a turtle on her shoulder...I REALLY hope she got it on this "meet the family" trip).  

The Dorfmans disliked Josh because he is just like every over-confident jock that she has dated.  I don't even know Andi, but even I can see that he is like every other Atlanta jock that she has dated.  

Andi's dad called Versailles, "Ver-sal."  Do your thing, Hy.  

Josh b.s.'d his way into getting permission from Hy.   

Josh's Last Date

They took one last yacht ride together.  Andi rhetorically asked, "is this all too good to be true?"  To you, Andi, I concisely answer, "Yes."  

Josh says he wants to marry "his best friend."  Please refer to the title of this week's blog post:  "Week 10."  Declaring someone your best friend after 10 weeks only works when you're six years old and 10 weeks constitutes a significant percentage of your entire life.  In their hit song, "You're My Best Friend," Queen's Freddy Mercury pointed out that "I've been with you such a long time."  If Freddy says time matters, it must be so.



Josh then said he wants to "make her my wife."  Why do I feel like I have entered into a country music lyric whenever Josh talks?  

Josh wrote a letter to Andi and read it out loud.  I guess I feel better about him knowing that he can read.  

Josh then presented Andi with her very own Andi Murray baseball card.  This moment must have made Dugan's nickname dreams come true:

I really want Josh to lose (but I also kind of want Hans to lose).

Hans's Final Date

I've had about enough of these dates.  When is Neil Lane going to show up?  We've been waiting all season for that moment.  I don't need to see another helicopter/yacht/ATV/beach/picnic/waterfall/chardonnay scene.  I need a slim fit black suit with an white, unbuttoned dress shirt.

He always delivers

While swimming in a lagoon, Josh said he wants to marry Andi.  This isn't really news or revelatory, but it happened, so I guess I should write about it.

The date continued with dinner later that night and more chardonnay, of course.  Hans and Andi then made out for awhile.  These types of moments are always my favorite because one guy will presumably propose marriage in the next 24-48 hours.  He will then re-watch this episode.  He will see the other guy making out with his fiancé.  So I ask you, dear reader, WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER GO ON THIS SHOW!?!?!?   

To be on the cover of US Weekly of course, said Mrs. Dugan

Neil Lane

All of my dreams came true.  Neil Lane arrived to explain the 4 C's to these guys.  Neil Lane loves an emerald cut because it's for a strong woman.  Josh agreed.

Hans was waiting for Neil in his thatch-roof hut, but Andi showed up instead.  And she wasn't wearing makeup.  Not a good sign for Hans.  Looks like Andi has her "crying face" ready.  Once Hans saw Andi sans-mascara, he could see the writing on the wall.  Andi broke up with him.  Hans had a great response by pointing out that Andi "took it too far."  Good point Hans.  Why do the Bachelor/ettes always give into the pressures of Fleiss and Co. and lead the loser on so much?  It must be contractual, right?  Lawyers.  It's always the lawyers.  

Andi left in tears.  Hans stood by the railing of his room and nearly gave us a full Mesnick, but sadly we only got a Flajnik (lean over the rail, no tears).  Mrs. Wags wants to know what a "Pavelka" would be.  

Do the Pavelka

Rose Ceremony

Hans is already on the slow boat to Wisconsin, so there will not be any surprises in this rose ceremony.  

Once again, Josh Griffey Jr. said that he gave up his first love of baseball to find a family.  I would be remiss if I didn't point out that he likely gave up baseball because he was a career .213 hitter in single-A minor league baseball.  

Josh's speech cadence is the same as Kenny Powers.  Andi is April.  HOW AM I JUST REALIZING THIS NOW!?  Oh no, the season is slipping away.  She's the one with the career.  He's a loser.  They're from Georgia.  They live in Georgia.  His baseball career has been over for years.  THEY ARE KENNY AND APRIL.  Season is ending.  Must madly type comparisons...oh no....fading....to.....black.......

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Night

I am blogging on the road this week as Casa de Dugan is being tented for termites. The show is also on the move as we have traveled to Hispaniola (the acceptable side for tourists, La Republica Dominicana) for fantasy sweet dates with the final three contestants: John Deere, Hans, and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andy gives her rundown of the remaining guys and makes it painfully obvious that her final choice will be Josh. 

Josh

She "likes Josh". He’s "her type". She's "attracted to him". She "can be her complete self with Josh".  She "feels over the moon, giddy, unbelievebale". Their relationship is "easy, natural, exciting…"

Can we just give him the final rose and end this?

John Deere

Amazing guy, sweet, smart, lighthearted and funny. "So cute and charming and romantic." He's the "Farmer/Businessman who has it all."

Just put him out of his misery. She sounds like she is explaining a labradoodle not a guy she will end up with.

Nick Hans

Shy, skeptical. Memorable.  Sweet, affectionate. Serious. "He just gets me". Mental connection. Passionate side. Falling in love. Potential

From the early explanations, it looks like a Josh/Hans showdown but let's review the dates and decide.

Hans Gets a Helicopter Date 

It's getting late in the season to have an eventual winner without a helicopter date so it was nice to see Hans get his. Andi explains to the viewers that she wants more information about Hans' previous breakups. 

I always want to know more about the production of these episodes. Hans and Andi start making out in the helicopter. Helicopters are not very large. The cameraman appears about a foot away. Is this awkward? Does it just become normal?

They have a long discussion about Hans terrible breakup. Let me guess? You pretended to be in love with a girl shortly after meeting her, even to the point of getting engaded, then secretely plot to steal business opportunities from her older sister. Once exposed, you go full evil and attempt to kill the older sister only to be blocked by the younger sister and former fiance. Eventually Hans returned to Milwaukee to be punished for his wrongdoings.

While his story may lead others to ask many questions...I only have one. Who the hell spends this much time at the beach without sunglasses? How in God's name are you on the beach for any length of time without sunglasses? 

At dinner, Hans shared a story he wrote for Andi. While the story was nice and included a page about their date that very same day, I was more impressed with Hans' illustrations. Did he really draw these pictures? If he didn't, how is that assignment explained to the staffer at Fleiss & Co.?

Hans hides behind a tree, drops the L bomb and gets the fantasy suite time.

 =

Josh Manages to Find a Baseball Field on a Date...AGAIN

The Dominican Republic was Dugan's first foreign county and I'll always remember it fondly. Josh and Andi walk around the capital, Santo Domingo. I know he rightly takes a beating from modern historians but Christopher Columbus' tomb is a magnificent monument. It could also double as a movie prop for the next National Treasure movie.

Fucking of course Josh finds a baseball field. This further cements Josh as the winner. He obviously loves baseball and Andi manages to find a baseball field on every date. She cares about him and their relationship seems genuine. Let's ignore the rest of their baseball date and list some D.R. beisbol greats:

• Big Papi
• Pujols
• Pedro
• Cano
• Sosa
• Hanley
• Jose Reyes
• Big Vlad

Who would you take from that group? L Bomb #2 leads to the Quote of the Night! Josh explains he isn't just throwing around the "love" word without meaning: "I never said that before when I really meant it."

Yeah. That's a triple header. You get bolded, underlined and italicized. He's not denying telling girls he loved them. Just denying that he meant it. BOOM. This blog loves you, Josh.

I'll be very surprised if Josh does not win. Like lebron leaving Miami for Cleveland surprised. I also don’t think Josh would expose himself and become this vulnerable without knowing he was winning in the end. 

John Deere and the 3,000 lb Horses of Rancho Peligro

Mrs. Dugan and Andi share a healthy fear of horses. However, Andi's fear is also completely irrational and offers up what would be the best quote on any other night (hat tip up above to Josh): “There’s just something about a 3,000 pound animal underneath me and I don’t know what they are thinking.”

3,000 lbs? What breed of horse is this?

Did anyone else notice the beautiful mountain landscape on this date? Why are there mountains in Cuba, Dominican Republic and other subtropical locales but not in Florida?

• Britton Hill, located in the Florida Panhandle, is the highest point in Florida at 345 feet 
• More than one-third of the Dominican Republic lies higher than 1,500 feet (457 metres), and it has the highest relief of the West Indies, reaching 10,417 feet (3,175 metres) at Duarte Peak in the Cordillera Central in the Dominican Republic.
• Cuba's highest point is 6,578 feet. 

My biggest takeaway from this date is that John Deere went to the "Hide and seek" well once too often. A rare game of hide and seek is one thing, but if this is your date "go to" activity, you are giving Iowans a bad name.  He's starting to make Josh look mature.

The rest of the date can be summed up.

John Deere is kicked out and we are left with Serious Hans v. Fun loving Josh. Andi wanted to have a rose ceremony and neither guy said no.

  

Let's pray that Josh wins so we can have Andi Murray.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Hometowns

So Mrs. Wags and I just returned from a European vacation, and I'm writing a day late with no ice cream.  I panicked and asked Mrs. Wags what I would have with my whiskey.  She replied that I could have part of an Aero bar and/or some digestive biscuits that we brought back from Ireland.  This just is not going to cut it.  After Dugan's ultra-patriotic post from last week, I feel that my Euro-candy and Euro-biscuits are an embarrassment to this blog.  And I apologize.

I can't quit you

On to the show.  We are at that point with four guys left and a marriage proposal could be on the way in a couple short weeks.  It feels like anyone could win, but no one should.  This is definitely the beauty (and horror) of this show.

Hans in Milwaukee

Somehow, I did not realize that Hans (Nick) lives in Milwaukee.  I assumed he lived in some ice castle.  (That was my best attempt at a Frozen reference.  Still haven't seen the movie.  Sorry Dugan).  

Hans wore a scarf on the date that looked suspiciously like Andi's scarf.  I guess Hans knew the blog post was going to start with a Euro theme.  

Hans brought Andi on a beer brewery tour.  I was really hoping they would go to one of Milwaukee's best breweries.  He would be a beast is he brought her there (see where I'm going with this?).  

It's premium

They eventually arrived Hans's parents' home.  His parents have apparently spent the past two decades having kids.  

The Hans Family

Hans had a heart-to-heart with one of his sisters in the basement of the house.  It had a finished basement.  Having spent some time in the midwest and watched many episodes of House Hunters, I know that finished basements are a big deal.  It also had an electric dartboard.  I got a little weepy remembering the home of my favorite electric dartboard:

5,356 games played, $0 spent

Hans talks like he's wearing a retainer.  I probably shouldn't throw stones in glass houses since I have had various retainer devices over the years, but this guy's voice bugs.

Hans riddle: How does his mom look like she could be his older sister and his younger sister look like  she could be his daughter?  Answer: He's his uncle and his brother.

The date ended.  They kissed.  You get the picture.  Hans is a lock for the final three.

John Deere in Iowa

John Deere explained that Arlington, Iowa has a population of 758, but it's 759 today because Andi is here.  Someone needs to explain to Deere how population counts work.  Remind the US Government not to hire JD as a census worker.

At JD's house, Andi asked if his backyard is "the farmland."  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD then took Andi for a ride on his JOHN DEERE tractor (how apropos).  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD noted that he's broken the mold because he's a farmer on the Bachelorette.  Andi said that she could live on a farm because "her family has a lake house in the middle of nowhere."  (early favorite for quote of the night). I think he's broken the mold because he's the first farmer in Iowa with a faux-hawk.  

When asked what she would do in Iowa, Deere responded that she could be a homemaker.  

This is not going to work out

John Deere's mom, Mrs. Deere, told Andi that living on a farm takes gumption. This relationship is not going to work out.  

After a quick game of Sardines, Andi left.  The date seemed to go well.  I'll be shocked if he makes it another round.

Josh Griffey Jr. in Tampa

Let me start by saying I cannot stand this guy.  I roll my eyes at every word he says.  His face bugs me.  His voice bugs me.  This is going to be difficult.  

Josh is a former baseball player (in case you forgot), so of course he took Andi to a baseball field.  In case you were wondering if he was good, he was not.  In case you were wondering if he ever played in the majors, he did not.  But once again, I only played JV baseball in high school, so maybe I should pipe down:

Josh's brother is Aaron Murray, former star quarterback at Georgia and now in the NFL with the Kansas City Chiefs.  Looks like Andi got the wrong brother.  Here's Aaron.

Rich

Josh's mom says that Josh is "very sincere."  That's the last word I would use to describe Josh.  I take that back.  It's the second-to-last word I would use.  "Intelligent" is #1.  

The family went to the backyard and played some pickup football.  I was hoping Aaron throw one off of Josh's forehead, but not all dreams come true (e.g. Josh's MLB dream...that's mean....I take that back....no I don't).

The date ended.  As all hometown dates must.

Marcus Gosling in Dallas

Gosling drove Andi to a penthouse suite in his Benz and then stripped for Andi in a sailor outfit.  Andi seemed to be having flash-fowards to the fantasy suite, describing Gosling as "the hottest guy she's ever dated."  This is one of those moments that would be hard to watch if one of the other three guy's win it all.  

Mrs. Wags just asked me, "who is this guy?"  When people ask me if Mrs. Wags makes me watch the show, I quickly reply, "I make her watch the show."  This moment was undeniable proof that I am not lying.  

Andi met Gosling's mom, siblings, and nieces.  Gosling's dad left when they were kids, forcing Gosling's older brother into a father-figure role.  In one of the more genuine moments in Bachelor history, Gosling tearfully thanked his older brother for being there for him during the hard times.  It seemed like a nice moment for them.  

On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like Gosling had as many nice moments with Andi during his hometown.  I think he may be on the chopping block. 

Chris Harrison' Home

For the first time ever, we got to see the inside of Chris Harrison's home.  Hopefully this is foreshadowing next season on the Bachelor when 25 lucky ladies vie for Chris Harrison's love.  

Andi and the four guys were brought there to hear that Dora died in a paragliding accident.  There were lots of tears.  It was too serious, and thus, unbloggable.

Rose Ceremony

The tears continued into the rose ceremony, but the show must go on.

Getting their rose tickets to the fantasy suite were Josh Griffey Jr., John Deere, and Hans.

Marcus Gosling went home.  Not too surprising.  

Until next week, when Dugan makes all your fantasies come true.  

The Bachelorette Episode 7: World Cup Edition

For those that do not know, the United States of America is taking on Belgium in a soccerball match on July 1st to decide who will advance in the world soccerball tournament in Brasil. This was a bad day to have the Bachelor have dates in Belgium and Dugan have the reins of the blog.

This is the last week before hometowns. You know what I think about when I hear hometowns? You are god damn right - I think about Bruce Springsteen.

Back at the hotel, even the guys are getting into the world cup competitive action. Hans (Nick), Gosling and Deere are playing for Europe with team scarf and Josh, Coach and Les Dylan are representing 'Merica with their vintage Bachelor hoodies.

Advantage? AMERICA.

Gosling goes full Brussels

This was a food heavy date and they start off with mussels from Brussels? Seriously. Mussels are delicious but they fall way behind the much more famous Muscles from Brussels.

What have I done? Jean Claude Van Damme on the eve of the US-Belgium game? There's only one image that I can think of that will get America back on top of the image game.

Yo, Rocky, you did it.

After some chocolate waffles and other belgian treats, Gosling and Andy retreat to the Academy Palace. Andi must have heard "Palace at Auburn Hills" because she was dressed like an NBA dancer. Mrs. Dugan and I uttered the following words within second spitfire style:

• Underboob
• Hood rat
• Back up dancer

Then at the exact same time: PRETTY WOMAN! I would bother to photoshop their faces but this is exactly what I am going for in this picture.

After Gosling, After Hours, and the Worst Hotel Security in the World

Gosling returns to discuss how well his date went with the remaining guys. Hans doesn’t want to hear about it. He i) walks up to the desk at the hotel, ii) very quickly explains that he has lost his key, iii) needs a replacement, and iv) needs a key to a women's room because it is actually his wife. This past weekend, I marathon watched True Detective. True Detective respects its viewer's intelligence. This move proves Fleiss & Co. have finally lost it. Or that their fans are the dumbest people on the planet. HEY! I take offense.

Josh Ghents a One-on-One

There really was not much to this date outside of the porno lighting make out session. I did enjoy the chocolate and the Duck Parade. That’s not a euphemism. That’s what it was.

Tour de Belgium

We begin the date with a grueling rail bike excursion to the Belgium countryside. Nick, Dylan, Brian, Chris....WHO? Hans, Les, Coach and John Deere. Way better...I was completely lost there for a minute.

They visit an Abbey with Monks where no kissing is allowed.

For those reading, you have to imagine how writing a Bachelor blog goes. You are half paying attention while searching for images of university presidents named "Monk" when you hear that Andi and John Deere have left the Abbey to go to a Pottery Barn.

Hell yeah my head whipped up to the TV screen. Did I see Andi and Deere drowning in earth tones in a suburban mall? No. I saw them reenacting the pottery scene from ghost. It was a pottery barn. Not a Pottery Barn. That should make sense for those who have a remedial understanding of the English language. Not so fast you French, Dutch, and German speaking Belgianese.

Coach draws up a perfect play but Hans intercepts the rose. It took a while but all the guys (sans Les Dylan since he was smart enough to sleep this one out) ganged up on Hans for the one true sin in Bachelor/etteville: NOT BEING HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

It's Rose Ceremony Time and Hans is Safe

• Deere takes some alone time to give the hard sell on Iowa. Truly. NORTHEAST IOWA. Population 700. Considering I just binged on True Detective, I picture Northeast Iowa a lot like Carcosa but in Iowa. You’ll love it, Andi.
• Dylan gave his pitch for a hometown: At least its not Iowa.
• Hans is crying. I don’t know why because I wasn’t listening.

Who is joining Hans?

• Josh
• Gosling
• Deere

Coach got to hear laughs during his goodbye confessional. #Ouch.

And just for good measure. GO AMERICA!!!

The Bachelorette Episode 6: The Elite(?) Eight

So I was listening to a Bachelorette podcast, and the hosts mentioned that we are down to eight guys this week.  Poor Andi.  That means she has probably reached the point where she cannot really see herself with any of these guys.  It is really the tragedy (and the beauty) of this show.  Consistently mediocre mantestants.  But let me tell you something that's consistently good: whiskey and ice cream...the San Francisco treat.  On with the show...

But before we begin, reread the word "mantestant."  Maybe it's the whiskey talking, but that reads funny.  Okay, now really on with the show...

This episode will take place in Venice.  That's in Italy.  Water taxis, gondolas, pigeons.  You know, that Venice.  

Way off

Closer

That's the one.

Solo Date #1: Hans Nick

Hans, the soon-to-be-if-not-already-a-villain, got the first date, much to the chagrin of Cody, the Albino Rhino.  Rhino is the only guy that has not had a solo date.  Hans better watch out, because the Albino Rhino is clearly capable of pulling a Mountain-on-the-Red Viper head squeeze.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, we're not friends.  Also, google it).

Back at the hotel, the guys were pretty excited about the "amenities."  If you forgot your toothpaste, call the front desk.  Mini fridge?!  YES!

On the date, Hans and Andi walked around, marveling at "how they made that," and "wow that's old."  Though I feel quick to criticize, it's probably a good thing that I was not mic'd up for some of my comments during Mrs. Wags's and my European travels.  

Said Wags

So this Hans guy has a speech impediment.  I'm not the only one that's noticed that, right?  Dugan and I would never have let him on our college radio show we had together (see how I dropped that trivia in there?).

In the evening portion of the date, Hans got to wear a tux:

Andi met him in a gondola with no one else around.  That was the real magic of the date.  How the heck did Fleiss and Co. pull that off in one of the more crowded cities in the world?  I guess it's good to have that ABC money, baby!  

Hans apologized for describing himself as the front runner, and then pulled a front runner move by saying he feels like he's falling in love.  You salty villain, you.  

Hans, looking like Daniel Craig's 7 year-old brother in his tux, got the date rose.

They capped off the date with a slow dance wearing masquerade ball masks.  I feel like there's a Phantom of the Opera joke in there somewhere, but I'm more of a Jesus Christ Superstar guy.

Group Date: Josh Griffey Jr, Coach Brian, Les Dylan, Marcus Gosling, JJ Dockers, and John Deere Chris

Before the group date, Andi got her third secret admirer letter.  She seems pretty interested in figuring out who it is (I'm hoping for Albino Rhino or Les Dylan; two guys with zero chance of winning it all).

The date was in Monselice, Italy.  They went to a medieval armory.  Fight to the death! Fight to the death! Fight to the death!  Alas, it was sadly not to be.  Instead, two of "Italy's finest lie detectors" were going to administer a test to each guy and Andi.  The guys seemed more nervous than expected. 

Some of the best lie detectors answers were provided by Les Dylan.  He has slept with over twenty women, but does not wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.  Though I was skeptical at first, I am beginning to think these guys might actually be the best lie detectors in all of Italy.  

The test also revealed that John Deere is the secret admirer.  He just never could have imagined that his secret would be given up in a lie detector test.   Snooze.  Alarm.  Snooze.  

The results came in:  Three men told no lies.  Two told two lies.  One told three lies.  But Andi the lying DA told two lies.  

Andi decided to rip up the results.  I'll bet she wouldn't have done that if she had told the truth.  You know who never lies?  Chris Harrison and Neil Lane. 

In the evening portion of the date, Marcus Gosling was his usual serious self.  He said he almost left the show, but decided to stay.  Andi seemed impressed by this and started making out with him.  

Josh Griffey Jr. felt that Andi doesn't trust him because of the lie detector test.  He was also very happy that she ripped up the results.  Josh needs to chill out.  Les Dylan is the Lothario with pee pee hands.  

John Deere revealed that he is the secret admirer.  Andi liked it.  Good for you Mr. Deere, you get to stay on the show until the Top 4, but no further.  

The group date rose went to John Deere.  JJ Dockers got his fancy pants in a bunch about everyone congratulating John Deere.  Dockers wants this to be a fight to the death.  Dockers has officially stopped being polite and started getting real.  

Solo Date #2: Albino Rhino Cody

Rhino and Andi went to Verona, the setting for Romeo and Juliet.  On the date, they went to a Juliet Institute.  Apparently, this is like Italy's North Pole.  People write letters to Juliet and expect a response.  The Institute sends responses back to these people.  I hope there are not a lot of public funds going towards this "Institute."  

ADAI (American Dear Abby Institute)

At night, the Albino Rhino seemed like he might actually be a pretty nice guy.  The Rhino put his heart on the line and said how he wants to introduce her to his family, but Andi was not (and was never) feeling it.  In a tear-filled goodbye, Andi sent the Rhino back to his natural habitat.  

As the Rhino exited, I asked Mrs. Wags if Andi's pants looked a little "strange."  Mrs. Wags made the observation I was not prepared to verbalize: "they don't call that color camel for nothing."  

Rose Ceremony 

As usual, Hans had a rose already and jumped up to talk to talk to Andi first.  When Dugan and I write our book, "The Unwritten Rules of the Bachelor/ette," hogging time with the Bachlorette when you already have a rose will be our version of Thou Shalt Not Steal.  By the way, I am going to start using "shalt" in conversation more often.  I shalt not have another whiskey tonight.  

Joining Hans and John Deere with roses were:

Les Dylan (shocked)

Coach Brian

Marcus Gosling

Josh Griffey Jr.

After Les Dylan took the first rose, there was no other logical result than JJ Dockers going home.  But congratulations Dockers, you got to promote your pants company for six weeks.  

Until next week, when thou shalt enjoy Dugan's analysis of Brussels...

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Parlez-vous Français?

This week, we open up the passports and land in Marseilles, France. We get a two one-on-ones and a group date and Josh Griffey Jr. is batting lead off.

Before the dates begin, our beloved host Harrison sits down with Andy to discuss her proficiency in french (Il parle mal le français). Harrison grills Andy whether she is falling in love and the possibility she is falling in love with more guys. Hey hey, we are in France, oui? C'est la vie.

Andy and Josh Griffey Jr. Set Sail

Could two people be more out of place in the South of France? I feel like they belong at a Hooters grand opening together, not a yacht in the Mediterranean. Josh brings up that he was a 2nd round pick. How often do you think Josh brings this up? Considering he's 29 and this happened when he was 17...we are 12 years removed from the height of his athletic prowess. Now, if I am Josh, I am bragging about the draft and not my career .213 batting average with the Ogden Raptors, Beloit Snappers, West Virginia Power, Brevard County Manatees, or Charlotte County Redfish.

It was not his poor average, fielding, slugging or general overall play that kept him from the majors...or even his failure to make Double A ball, it was Josh's desire to be with and have a family.  I'll buy that because he did join brother and All Time Sec Passer Aaron Murray at UGA after baseball flamed out.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (do you know how to say "ranch" in french? ranch.), Hans and Dockers try to stir up shit by telling Famous Amos that Frat Bro 1 commented about Andy keeping the black guys. This turns out to be a relatively minor incident as Frat Bro 1 denies it and Famous Amos takes him at his word. However...Famous Amos gives us hints of a Mesnick and Flajnik. We know the Mesnick is the hunched over the balcony with tears and the Flajnic is a Mesnick without tears. Famos Amos pulled a Flajnik at the balcony but later looked like tears turned it into a Mesflaj. A what?

The best part was Frat Bro 1's denial included some rap references:
"With so much drama in the A-B-C
It's kinda hard bein Frat Bro O-N-E"

Griffey Date Highlights

• They go to Palais Longchamp where they make purses
• Josh Griffey got cheated on by having a girlfriend kiss another guy. 
• That’s enough for Andy. She let's her guard down now and gives up the rose. Be careful, Andy. Coach Mark Jackson will warn you: Hand down = Man down.
• Josh Griffey is securely in the pole position and front-runner to take the Final Rose

Sublime Mime Rhyme Time by the Seine

Ok, except for that first and last part. We get a group date of miming with Gosling, Les Dylan, John Deere, Famous Amos, Albino Rhino, Dockers, Hans, Frat Bro 2 and Frat Bro 1. I really like how the Frat Bros stick together.

Let's give a run down of the events

• Guys were not thrilled nor good.
• The Albino Rhino raps. God, please let the Albino Rhino stay on this show forever. I want this to be "Choose Your Own Adventure" Bachelorette and I choose the Albino Rhino has to mime the rest of the season.
• They were so bad they made babies cry.
• Hans really not enjoying the mime date

• Albino Rhino and Hans square off about Hans teasing him for being too "thankful"
• NEWSFLASH - this qualifies as reality show drama.

We have three leaders in the clubhouse and all the other guys could go home.

1. Hans with the Mental/Emotional connection
2. Josh Griffey Jr  with the Physical connection
3. Gosling to stay on the show long enough to cement next Bachelor

Andy asks whether Hans is a little manipulative? YES!!!! Watch Frozen now!!! Run away from Hans. He's trying to kill your sister and steal the kingdom of Arendelle. Dockers gets the group date rose.

Coach is Not a Chef

Coach has one of the worst dates that ended up with a rose in the history of the Bachelor/ette. It began nice with a movie and some market shopping. That went well. Then, they decided to cook a meal together.

Save time. Don't watch the cooking scene. This clip does it justice.



Although if you don't watch, you'll miss the quote of the night:

Andi: “How do you like your broccoli?”
Coach: “Different ways”

It got weird.



Brian on the basketball court >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Brian in the kitchen. Luckily for Coach, there are simply worse men than him left on the show and he secures the rose. Along with a big 'ol green light for future kissing. Andi ended the cooking massacre and brought him out to dinner. This is what they discussed:



It's Rose Ceremony Time and Let's Cut the Chit Chat

No cocktails. 3 cuts. Let’s get to business. Josh Griffey safe. Dockers safe. Coach safe.

Who else is getting a rose?

Gosling.
Hans.
John Deere.
Les Dylan.
Albino Rhino!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye Frat Bro 1 and 2 and Famous Amos

So glad they got to stick together the entire season.

Off to Venice next week with Tim as your tour guide to love.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Andi's Big Event

So this is part two of the Bachelorette's 4 hour mega "event" this week.  I still haven't figured out what the event actually is.  Frat Bro Andrew getting a phone number from a waitress?  More Chris Harrison than ever before?  A special early season visit from Neil Lane?  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.  On the other hand, I will be making tonight a whiskey and ice cream big event for myself.  Heavy pour and an extra scoop.  I'm going to be like Andi after 4 glasses of chardonnay.

On to the show...

According to the preview, there will be a pickup basketball game.  I can't wait to see who can play, and who looks like they played tennis growing up.

The Bachelorette tour continued in Connecticut (?) at the Mohegan Sun Hotel.  Mrs. Wags was surprised to find out that it's not the (Last of) the Mohicans Sun Hotel.

Does it seem like these guys touch each other a lot?  Just noticing.  They all seem to get along really well.

Solo Date #1: Dylan

Nick Name Les Dylan (Maybe Les Dylan?) started his date with Andi on an Essex Train.  This continues another trend of Bachelor/ette dates on trains.  There's a long, mysterious history of train dates.

How Fleiss and Co. hope the train dates will go.

Les Dylan was anxious about telling Andi that two of his siblings died of drug overdoses.  For some reason, he felt obligated to reveal this information early in the season.  Why now?  Why not after the show?  It's too serious for this show, and definitely too serious for this blog.

Train date reality.  

Les Dylan is actually from Connecticut, so when he revealed the untimely deaths of his siblings, it was even more heavy that being back in Connecticut reminded him of his deceased family.  This is turning into a Lifetime drama.  I need Herb, the pantsapreneur old man in makeup, to come back and lighten the mood.

Though it was a roller coaster, Les Dylan got the rose (and earned a nickname).

Group Date: JJ Dockers, John Deere, Frat Bro Andrew, Nick, Famous Amos, Dora, Albino Rhino, Tacos, Coach Brian, Frat Bro Patrick,  and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andi took the guys to a basketball court so she can see manly, "sweaty" basketball.  And then she brought out a bunch of WNBA superstars.  That's not going to help them seem manly when they get whooped.

My favorite moment was when Elena Della Donne swatted the Albino Rhino...without jumping!  All the HGH in the world can't help The Rhino's jump shot.

The guys then had to play each other for the evening date.  Coach Brian led the "Rosebuds," and he was really in his element.  The Rosebuds were challenged by the "Five of Hearts." (I think the Five Hearts would have been better).

Thankfully, Coach Brian could play a little bit.  He didn't let his junior high team down.  On the other hand, the halftime score was 6-6.  But, alas, Coach Brian and his Rosebuds took control in the 2nd half.  Famous Amos noted that the Rosebuds "breathe excellence."  I told Mrs. Wags that I also breath excellence, but she said that is actually just the smell of Dewar's White Label.

The Rosebuds got to have a private after-party with Andi.  Unfortunately for Dora, Andi pulled him aside to let him know that their relationship is stalling.  Dora quickly got back in Andi's good graces by revealing that he loves his family and that he "gave up his religion" at age 26.  Mrs. Wags started singing at this point:



Coach Brian took Andi to center court so they could listen to Endless Love in the dark.  He took a half court shot, drained it, and then...blew it by not kissing Andi.  Andi said she really wanted a kiss after seeing the half court shot, but since Coach Brian blew it, she went and made out with Hans.

Coach Brian appropriately earned the date rose.

Solo Date #2: Marcus Gosling

The always-serious Marcus Gosling got to help Andi get over her fear of heights.  On the Bachelorette, if you can conquer a fear of heights, conquering love is no obstacle.  They had to repel down a building in tornado-strength winds.  It appeared to be the tallest building in all of Connecticut.

It looks taller when you repel down it.

After a quick awkward kiss while repelling down the building, the other guys banged on the windows from the inside.  Gosling asked if they should kiss in front of them.  Andi quickly said no.  Nice try Gosling.  You're not using Andi to position yourself as the favorite.

At dinner, Marcus Gosling predictably got the rose.  But before the date was over, they got to go to a casino and hear some country singer perform.  They said his name and I couldn't hear exactly what they said.  It sounded like "John Carty," but I don't think that's the guy.  

Rose Ceremony

Before the ceremony started, Andi got a special delivery in her hotel room.  It was a love letter from a secret admirer.  Please let it be Neil Lane or Chris Harrison!  

Coach Brian took Andi back to center court and got the kiss he missed out on earlier.  Wait a second.  They're still near the basketball court for the rose ceremony?  I don't understand how the production of this show works at all.  

Dora made the mistake of accusing Andi of not being open with him.  He then took it a step further and said he "came to meet a person, not a TV actress."  Andi did not react kindly to being called a fraud and being told that she has a "poker face."  She made it clear to Dora that he could go explore for a wife elsewhere.  Andi told the other guys that she has tried so hard not to have a poker face.  

When the show returned from commercials, Chris Harrison, our leader and spiritual guide, told us there would be no rose ceremony, but rather a sit-down discussion with Andi to celebrate Dora's life. 

At the end of the episode, Chris Harrison held his own rose ceremony and revealed that Tacos went home.  Needless to say, he won't be missed.   

Until two weeks from now, when we finally go abroad.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Andi makes them Sing

We find out that this week's dates will be taking place in Santa Barbara with only 16 guys left. After next week, we might be able to get past the "who's that, again?" portion of the show.

Hans and Andi ride off into the Sunset

Hans gets the first one-on-one in Santa Barbara. (Frozen Spoiler Alert) For those at home without a 4 year old daughter, the character Hans in Frozen comes from a large family and needs to seek a kingdon of his own, pretends to be a good guy, woos and gets engaged to Princess Anna, eventually locks up Queen Elsa and attemps to kill her before Anna saves her sister - the true act of love needed to thaw her frozen heart. I CANNOT wait for Hans to turn from good guy to villian because I KNOW it will happen.

Some of the guys even hinted at the skeptic Hans. Hans is slow playing Andi in a fairly obvious attempt to be the next Bachelor. This is something we blog about every year on the Bachelorette. A good portion of the guys have to be on the show just to up their chances of being the Bachelor.

They have one of those Bachelor “normal day” – biking & hiking with chardonnay. The truly best part of this date was Hans' dinner wardrobe choice. An Members only jacket with the collar popped. Better villian in a members only jacket - Hans or Ahmadinejad? Regardless, Hans secures the rose.

Bachelorz II Men 

The Group date included Coach, Famous Amos, Albino Rhino, Tacos, Paul Mitchell, Ron Carew, Opera Man, Josh, Eric, Frat Bro 1 and 2 and Gosling.

Some of the guys are concerned about \Opera Man singing domination. All the guys were pretty excited about singing with Boys II Men with Eric dropping the quote of the night in discussing his favorite BIIM memory. They helmed him “touch my first butt in the 7th grade.”

There are only three Boys II Men? Yes.

Other highlights

• All the guys were predictably pretty terrible and Boyz II Men were surprisingly charming. I vote to end this season of the Bachelorette with Andi and Josh getting together and Fleiss & Co pick up a reality series with Boyz II Men instead?
• Coach dropped an interesting "girl of my dreams” during an interview and we have to put him in a "Watch" category for nearing "guard and protect her heart" territory.
• Loved seeing Frat Bro 1 and 2 hanging out
• Opera Man and Tacos had a scream-off
• First time we noticed Andi drunk.
• Josh gets the rose.

Dockers and Andi in Bad Grandpa

I don't need to photoshop this picture as Fleiss & Co. ripped off Johnny Knoxville for the Dockers and Andi one-on-one. Some old-face make up probably distracted viewers but Dugan isn't forgetting those pants you wore, Dockers.  He also brought an interesting pants game to the rose ceremony and IMHO, his outfits call for far too much attention.

The makeup artists brought their A game making Dockers look like a creepy, old dude. Andy got a grey wig and a blazer. Dockers did secure the rose on this date:



Rose Ceremony

Ron Carew's gone and Hans, Josh and Dockers are safe.

• Hans' flowers break up some Andi/Eric time
• Frat Bro 1 gets in trouble for being a frat bro. He got a hostess' number and bragged about it. Why? Because he's a frat bro. Dockers not happy about it.

Who else will be moving on to next week in Connecticut?

• Gosling.
• Coach
• Famous Amos
• Tacos
• Albino Rhino
• Frat Bro 2
• John Deere
• Eric
• Dylan
• Frat Bro 1

Goodbye Paul Mitchell and Opera Man. For those younger people who know Adam Sandler from movies like Blended, google yourself some Opera Man when he was young and talented.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Andi Makes Them Dance

Tonight begins with bourbon, but no ice cream.  "Why break whiskey and ice cream tradition this early in the season?" - you.  "Because I ate a big honking slice of confetti cake earlier this evening." - me.   "Why eat confetti cake?  Were you celebrating Andi's search for love?" - you.  "No, it was my favorite brother's birthday." - me  Okay, okay. It's almost midnight already.  Let's get this blog show on the road.

The episode started with Andi looking in the mirror and noting that it "just dawned" on her that she is THE Bachelorette.  What did she think was going on during the two months of Late Night Show interviews and promo photos?  It didn't "dawn" on her then that she was the Bachelorette?  C'mon Andi.  You're making attorneys and DA's look bad.

Date #1: Dora (Eric)

A co-worker suggested that we give Eric the nickname Dora.  It's respectful and it makes sense.

The date started off with Andi proving that she knows how to drive.  It seems like the first date always includes a driving scene.  While driving, Dora Eric shared that he had camped with a witch doctor and rode a motorcycle half way across Africa, but when they arrived at their date, this exchange happened:

"What is this place called?" - Dora
"It's called the beach." - Andi

Dora, please put a little of that world-traveler common sense to good use.

Belgium

After a brief stay on the beach showing off a six pack that you can't get at BevMo, a helicopter picked them up on the beach and took them SNOWBOARDING a mere twenty minutes away.  Dr. Dre and 2Pac knew what they were talking about in that California Love song.  

They met up with professional snowboarder and basically just totally rad bro Louie Vito for some snowboard lessons.  Normally I would think a professional explorer might be a little intimidated by an Olympic athlete, but then I noticed that Louie reminded me of someone:

Wee Man or Louie?

I checked Wikipedia to see if I was on the right track.  

Louis "Louie" Vito

Personal information
Born	March 20, 1988 (age 26) Columbus, Ohio, U.S.
Residence	Sandy, Utah,[1] U.S.
Height	5 feet 5 inches
Weight	140 pounds
Website	http://www.louievito.com

During the evening portion of the date, Dora told a story of how he was accused of being a spy in Syria, sent a text message to his parents saying he might die, and then survived to tell the tale.  Okay Andi, your turn to tell a story about being a gang prosecutor.  We're waiting.  C'mon Andi.  Tell ONE story!  Just one.  

At the end of the date, Dora got a rose and was nearly ready to "throw out the 'L' word."  Let's just pump the brakes on that one.  

Group Date: Coach Brian, Opera Man Bradley, Famous Amos Marquel, Craig Lush, Paul Mitchell Brett, Frat Bro 2 Patrick, Albino Rhino, Josh Griffey Jr., Ron Carew, Tasos Tacos, Marcus Gosling, Ty Webb Nick S., Fire Marshal Carl, and Dylan

The date started with the guys hooting and hollering when they saw Andi.  Two guys have the nickname "Frat Bro," but we might have to rename all of them Frat Bro 1 through 19.

Fortunately, the date took them to their natural element, a very classy male exotic dance studio.  I would bet the rest of my whiskey that the Albino Rhino has danced for money in real life.

Fire Marshal Carl was in the group of guys that had to dress up like firefighters.  Fleiss and Co. really know how to script it.   Poor Carl is going to have to face his real life firefighter co-workers back home. But don't lose faith Carl.  Firefighters have a good history on this show.

 

Marcus Gosling had my favorite interaction of the night.  "Should I just wear my own underwear?"  "No," said the male stripper consultant, "you should wear the speedo."    The Gos claimed to be nervous for his dance, but came out like a Miley Cyrus backup dancer.  

Chris B. Harrison, host extraordinaire, showed that he can not only expertly host ABC's search for true love, but can also deftly handle the duties associated with male strip club emcee.  

At the end of the stripping, Andi said what we all we're thinking (and some of us were blogging about), "it seems some of them have done this before." Cue: Albino Rhino's intro music:

In the evening portion of the date, there were some highlights:

Andi noted that Coach Brian is really passionate about his job as a teacher, so he was understandably nervous about stripping.  

Josh Griffey Jr, the former professional baseball player with GQ looks, said he lacks confidence.  You're not fooling Andi with that act because she "knows her way around athletes."  

Shortly after Opera Man Bradley's Italian solo, Craig Lush had his chance to impress.  The first words out of Craig's mouth were "What's your worst thing about your parents?"   (I went back and watched to get the exact grammar of the quote).  He might be drunk.  

After running around the house naked, Andi (or Fleiss and Co.?) sent Craig Lush to bed.  

The date rose went to Marcus Gosling.  He seems like he will be in the Top 3.  

Solo Date #2: John Deere Chris

Before we start John Deere's date recap, could someone explain to me what happened with Coach Brian's progressively worsening black eye?  I must not have been paying attention when his wound got mentioned.

For their horse race date, Andi dressed up in 40s glam style.  Good thing John Deere wore his pink henley.  Oh don't worry, Fleiss and Co. had John Deere covered.  They must have had a Vineyard Vines stylist on standby.

John Deere's date was going well, until he got sweaty and confessed that he once proposed to a girl when he was younger.  Andi said she didn't have a problem with it.  We'll see about that.  

John Deere got the rose.  Roses for everyone!

Andi had one more surprise: a private concert from a band called This Wild Life.  According to google (it's a search engine), they haven't even released an album yet.  

Rose Ceremony

Craig Lush was apparently still on the show (I thought he had gotten kicked off).  He sang a song and maybe saved his hide. 

Frat Bro 1 Andrew made his first appearance of the night, noting that it's crazy that some people  "are going to have to go home tonight."  Bad news Brah, it's probably going to be you.  

In addition to Dora, Gosling, and John Deere, roses went to:

Ron Carew

Dylan

JJ Dockers

Famous Amos

Frat Bro 1 Andrew (I take back what I said two sentences above)

Tasos Tacos

Josh Griffey Jr.

Albino Rhino (thanks Fleiss and Co.)

Nick B. Hans

Frat Bro 2 Patrick

Coach Brian

Paul Mitchell Brett

Opera Man Bradley (I think he could be a serial killer)

Goodbye Fire Marshal Carl (a Ft. Lauderdale favorite), Ty Webb Nick (a hairline favorite), and Craig Lush.

Until next week, with TWO full episodes over TWO full nights with Boyz TWO Men and TWO times the tears.