The Bachelorette: JoJo Trump's Search for a Running Mate

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends...

We're so glad you could attend...

Come inside! Come inside!...

Alas, we are back and Bachelor/ette blogging again. As usual, we try to separate ourselves from the other fodder available on the interwebs, For example, what other recaps began with Emerson, Lake & Palmer lyrics? None? I didn't think so. The first episode is always a harried event for the Bachelor/ette as they are dragged from one contestant to another while trying to become comfortable with their new role as the star of the show. JoJo is going to be a fantastic Bachelorette and surely will provide a season a little edgier than Gentle Ben's previous season.

Without further adieu, let's meet the men vying for JoJo before sharing the highlights of the premier episode.

Alex, aka Marine DeVito, 25 (5’7”) is a Marine from Oceanside, CA

Ali, aka Aladdin, 27 (5’8”) is a Bartender from Santa Monica, CA

Brandon, aka Hipster, 28 (6’4”) is, coincidentally, a Hipster from California. Note – being a Hipster is not a job.

Chad, aka Tulsa Realty Developer or TURD, 28 (6’2”) is in the luxury real estate market of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Note for those following at home: the median sales price for homes in Tulsa for Feb 19 to May 18 was $102,000 based on 9 home sales.

Chase, 27 (6’3”) is a Medical Sales Rep, from Highlands Ranch Co. Bio Note. Loves Ace Ventura. Great taste, Chase.

Christian, aka Brother Daddy, 26 (5’11”) is a Telecom Consultant from LA.

Coley, 27 (6’2”), is a Real Estate Consultant from Chicago.

Derek, aka Harry Potter, 29 (6’3”), is a Commercial Banker from Fort Lauderdale.

Daniel, aka Damn Daniel, 31 (6’1”) is a Canadian from Vancouver. Note One: being Canadian is not a job. Bio Note Two Tattoos: No — “same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.”

Evan, aka ED Evan, 33 (5’11”) is a former pastor turned Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – Wait? Is that a career move we want people to make? - from Nashville. Bio Note that makes no sense: “Which U.S. City is the most romantic to you and why? NYC, because the restaurants all make you want to fall in love.”

Grant, aka Firefighter Grant, 29 (6’2”), is a firefighter from San Francisco.

Jake, 27 (6’1”) is a Landscape Architect from Cally.

James F., aka Jim-Gym, 34 (6’2”) is a Boxing Club Owner from Nashville.

James S., aka Superfan, 27 (6’1”), is a Bachelor Superfan. Note One. That’s not a career. Bio Note Two: What’s the closet you have every come to being married? It was to my girlfriend of seven years. We talked about a ring and family, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Seven years? How much of that were they long distance? I need to know more about this relationship.

James Taylor, aka Sweet Baby James, 29 (6’3”) is a singer songwriter from Katy, TX.

Jonathan, aka Jackie Chan, 29 (6’1”) is a Tech Sales Rep from Vancouver.

Jordan, aka QB4, 27 (6’2”), is a former NFL QB and that is being very generous. Jordan discusses his NFL Career with three teams. Let’s mosey on over to Wikipedia: “He was signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars as an undrafted free agent after the 2013 NFL Draft.^[5] He was released on July 22, 2013.^[6] The Tampa Bay Buccaneers signed Rodgers to the team's practice squad on October 7, 2013 after releasing quarterback Josh Freeman. He remained on the practice squad for the remainder of the season as Mike Glennon became the starter and Dan Orlovsky the backup.^[7] Jordan was cut by the Buccaneers on February 10, 2014. On April 3, 2014, Rodgers was signed by the Miami Dolphins. Jordan was cut by the Dolphins on May 12, 2014.”

Luke, aka Cool Hand Luke, 31 (6’1”) is a War Veteran from Burnet, Texas.

Nick B., aka Santa, 33 (6’1”) is an Electrical Engineer from the North Pole. Bio Note. “What is your favorite magazine? Ducks Unlimited.” Huh?

Nick S., 26 (6’1”) is a Software Sales Rep from San Fran. Bio Note: What foods do you most dislike? Scary cheeses. Oh?

Peter, 26 (5’11”) is a Staffing Agency Manager from Chicago.

Robby, 27 (6’1”) is a Former Competitive Swimmer from Jacksonville, Fl. Bio Note. Is that a job?

Sal, 28 (6’2”) is an Operations Manager from Fort Lauderdale, Fl.

Vinny, aka Barbarino, 28 (6’) is a Barber from Delray, Fl. Bio Note: Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Use turkey meat. I need more context.

Wells, aka All 4 Wells, 31 (6’) is a Radio DJ from Nashville.

Will, aka Jersey Will, 26 (6’2.5”) is a Civil Engineer, from Jersey City, NJ. Note One. Jersey City is the homebase of the Maternal Dugan family. Bio Note Two. He is the only guy to use a half inch. 6’2” is tall enough that the .5 inch seems very awkward upon which to insist. Bio Note Three – especially for the Hildbolds. Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Name Concerns Unfounded

As our readers know, Tim and I keep getting older but the contestants on the Bachelor/ette stay the same age. ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! 

We are the Wooderson of Bachelor Bloggers

Nevertheless, I had a point to make. Are these guys millennials? I was worried about the guys actual names expecting the Deemers, Hamptons, Coltons of the world? There are people in this world that name their kids as such. See link. I was surprised to see the relative normalcy of the names. Hat tip to Chase, Coley and Wells…but most are respectable names. Professions? That’s another story.

JoJo's Backstory 

JoJo explains the days and weeks following the breakup with Ben were difficult. I’m guessing days is more accurate. Former Bachelorettes Dez, Caitlyn and Ally show up to lend advice. The most interesting parts of the show are when honesty creeps into this scripted mess. Ally was honest and admitted she fell for Roberto's looks and didn't concentrate on much else. The girls warned JoJo to look for love and not lust.

Pre-Limo Intro and Pun Time

Dugan is a sucker for puns and Fleiss & Co. never disappoint. The cheesier the better. Firefighter Grant is shown with the ubiquitous Coit Tower shot explaining "I’m hoping that JoJo’s the one that lights my fire.”

QB4 is ready to make love a priority and "I’m hoping I’m gonna be JoJo’s #1 draft pick." 

ED Evan helps guys get their member moving but he's going to be just fine because "I've got my mojo for JoJo." 

That was a pun time.

First Night Highlights

• Marine DeVito lives up to his Napoleon roots and grabs her first for some one-on-one time and push-ups.
• Harry Potter explains how he used to look like...you guessed it, Harry Potter.
• Mrs. Dugan calls QB4 as the next Bachelor.
• QB4's use of "retire" is similar to his use of "career." Generous.
• Jersey Will uses an origami fortune teller to gain an awkward kiss but I am saving Jersey Will as a dark horse pick to go far, 
• A personal favorite of my episode was Santa nonchalantly talking to Aladdin. What doesn't this show bring its viewers?
• Turd is the bad guy. We get it.
• Damn Daniel poked ED Evan in the belly button. Why?
• Nick and Barbarino drank too much and interrupted JoJo giving interviews to producers.
• Everyone is getting drunk and leading to great interactions: "Cheers to you Bro” “Cheers to Rock n Roll”

First Impression and the Rose Ceremony

QB4 avoids the pressure and escapes with the first rose of the night. Joining him in week two...

Cool Hand Luke

All 4 Wells

Sweet Baby James

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter

Brother Daddy 

Turd

Chase

Marine DeVito

Robby

Hipster 

Jim-Gym

Aladdin

Santa

Barbarino

Jersey Will 

Superfan 

ED Evan

Damn Daniel

Goodbye Jackie Chan, Coley, Peter, Jake, Nick S., and Sal.

As before, the usual caveats apply. The nicknames are not set in stone and I welcome suggested revisions. 

Come inside, the show's about to start

guaranteed to blow your head apart

Rest assured you'll get your money's worth

The greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth.

You've got to see the show, it's a dynamo.

You've got to see the show, it's rock and roll ....

The Bachelor Finale: Two Months Late

I will never write this finale recap in a proper form, so I present to you, my unedited notes from when I watched the show.  Now our loyal fans get to see how the sausage is made...

Will he choose Lauren, or JoJo, or Neil

3 hours.  Jesus H.

Lb big favorite in the crowd.

Neil Lane is in the house!!!!  And so is Ben's pastor.

These ladies wear some small jean shorts. It's like an 80s Rock video.  But the shirts look like a renaissance faire

So many solo videos.

Most indecisive finale ever.

Ben's mom's facial expressions are the best.

lb meets ben's parents.
You have to be a moron to go on this show.  Like a real idiot. Low iq
Ben's mom referenced the "last show"
Ben is "seemingly perfect". Oh boy.
Lb holding hands. Never held my in laws hands, and I've known them for 19 years
Ben obviously wants to be an actor

Jojo meets the parents
Describing their date on Vegas.  And a helicopter ride
Is she more genuine?  She just seems smarter.
Jojo is front runner

Dad says jojo considers Ben her best friend.

Sneaky religious talk.

Ben's pastor just sits there reading the bible.

Last Date Lb
Always on a catamaran.
Haven't been tested with Lauren.
Not a lot of reciprocation from Ben
"No matter what happens, you've made me a better person"

Last date trump
Seems way more into her
Best rship trump has ever been in
Very non commital
Feeling so much happiness and fear.
Ben confessed to telling lb he loves her.  Good call.

Neil lane!!
Introduces himself
Ben still doesn't know. Neil is shocked and appalled.  Even Neil can't handle this bullshit.
Hope diamond
The ring offered clarity. "I know who it is."
One big Kay advertisement.

No limos in Jamaica. Only helicopters.

Trump was first out of the helicopter

Thought she was going to pass out.
I had it all wrong

Difficult to put on a suit with a wireless microphone pack in the rear end

Phone call to mr bushnell to ask permission. Wish he was calling Juan Pablo. Or pavelka.

The Bachelor Episode 9: Jamaica Mistaica

We are in the Caribbean and have three women left: Software Caila, LB and JoJo Trump. Caila is the best fit. LB is the girl he couldn't get in real life. And JoJo has to be the frontrunner for the next Bachelorette.

Caila and Ben and the Sounds of Silence



Ben and Caila go whitewater rafting with a Rastafarian guide. The anxiety of the overnight and Caila's hesitance to share her feelings lead to a silent raft trip. The jerk chicken stand doesn't even loosen Caila up and we are beginning to fear this overnight might end well. Alas, dinner and copious amoubts of alcohol turned the night around. Thank you, Fleiss & Co.

Alcohol brings about the first L bomb of the night. No reciprocation from Ben but he's willing to test out the software...if you catch my drift. Ben drops a nice quote that makes me laugh in hindsight: "I could wake up and know tonight that Caila’s the women for me….”

It should have continued ..."But I’m still going to sleep with the other two women." Ben thought this but did not say it on national tv. Morning included more "love" talk from Caila and continued lack of a response from Ben.

LB, Ben and Mel at Gibraltar Beach

Turtles can live for 100 years. I like that fact. LB hopes her relationship with Ben lasts that long.
LB is not good at biology but Ben's more interested in anatomy anyway.

Do you want to know why LB wins? DOUBLE RAINBOW. Boom. Followed by a Reggae band and a Fantasy Suite with LOVE RECIPROCATION. There are no rules.

Ben, JoJo and Their Second Helicopter Date

Ben and JoJo enjoy some water-falling action in Jamaica and it appears to be a fairly typical overnight date until we have a second LOVE RECIPROCATION on the show. Does Ben see the cameras filming this season? Ben needs a guide. He needs Neil Lane!

I don't make many promises but Ben's relationship stemming from this season will not last. This date also included the QOTN from JoJo Trump (fitting) with an assist to Mrs. Dugan's ear. “It feels so nice to hear you talk”  What?

Goodbye Caila and a Group Hug

Caila's gone and LB & JoJo enjoy a too familar group hug. They are pretty comfortable ending up as the winner and next Bachelorette. I want spice. I want action. I want drama. Bring me the Women Tell All.

The Bachelor Episode 8: The Mom Everyone's Talking About

Now that I have had a week to really digest the episode, I am finally ready to summarize.  Since the episode aired, I have had ice cream multiple times and whiskey once.  I thought you would want to know that old habits do not, in fact, have to die hard.

This week was hometown dates.  It's a tradition unlike any other.  This episode (almost) had it all. Crazy parents, overprotective older brothers, creepy younger brothers, drinking, and mansions.  One glaring omission: Ben did not ask any of the dads for their daughter's hands-in-marriage.  Foreshadowing?

Laguna Beach with Mom Amanda

It's official.  The helicopter romance is over.  No more private concerts.  Goodbye slow dances.  This hometown was all about what it would be like to be a stepdad.

I had the same look earlier this morning.

Ben met up with Mom Amanda on the beach.  She said she had not seen her kids yet.  How is this possible?  Once again, I'm starting to believe that Fleiss and Co. may not be telling us the whole truth.  

Mom Amanda said she's never been away from her kids for more than four days.  Did she forget the last five weeks on ABC's hit dramady, The Bachelor?

Mom Amanda's daughters arrived at the beach.  The older one, approximately five years old, was wearing a significant amount of makeup.  If this is normal for five year olds, I am scared.  But like all things on the Bachelor, I should assume this is not normal. 

During the car ride from the beach, Mom Amanda's younger daughter turned on the charm.  She cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.  And Amanda's chances of getting a rose went down, and down, and down, and down.  

Back at the house, Amanda's dad said Ben looked like a "deer caught in headlights."  Though that's his usual look, this did not bode well for Amanda.

Knowing that Amanda was not going to win made this hometown especially painful.  Good luck in the rose ceremony.

Portland LB

After a failed attempt at stepdadding, Ben headed off to Portland.  I really wanted them to go to my favorite (fictional?) bookstore.

They stopped by some of Portland's famous food trucks.  While I'd like to make fun of this hipster garbage, I had an amazing 3 am grilled cheese in Portland last year.

The date continued on to a whiskey bar.  LB describes all the whiskey as "so romantic."  Do women find whiskey romantic?  If so, I am the Monday night Don Juan of romance.  

Back at the house, Ben met LB's family.  Most importantly, he met her sister.  LB's sister was better looking than her.  I can't place this in historical Bachelor context, but I don't think it is a good sign.  

Even though LB didn't say I love you, I have no doubt she's getting a rose.

Hudson, Ohio - Software Caila

Software is from many places, and her parents currently live in Hudson, OH.  I'm not sure where this town is.  Actually, I'm not really sure where Ohio is, come to think of it.  

Hudson did look very American; very picturesque.  John Kasich may want to shoot a few promos with Hudson in the background.  

Caila's dad is a toy manufacturing CEO, and he looks like he's a child.  This seems like a reverse-Big.  It also seems like Caila is a female Tommy Boy.  They wore hard hats on the factory floor.  All of the employees seemed to know Caila.  Ben should choose her and become a heir to the toy dynasty.    

Back at Caila's house, I spent most of the time wondering what the hell she's talking about.  She's doing some kind of Jedi mind trick on Ben's feeble mind.  

My favorite part of the date was when Ben confessed that he had never met a Filipino person.  Yowza.  No one should ever go on this show.  There is no way to come out of it looking good.  

I spent most of the date trying to figure out Caila's dad.  He looks so young.  But maybe he's just a short guy?  Mrs. Wags thinks he's a former figure skater.  He's got a Scott Hamilton thing going on.  

Dallas - JoJo Trump

As real Trump gets more popular, JoJo Trump is beginning to lose steam.  

The day started with JoJo excited to receive some surprise roses.  Presumably from Ben, right?  Right?  WRONG.  Fleiss and Co. had other ideas.  The roses were from her ex-bf Chad.    Apparently, Chad is not over JoJo and wants her back.  JoJo decided to call Chad and tell him its done forever.  Like deciding to go on the show, this was a bad decision.  Of course, Ben arrived mid-conversation, and JoJo had to tell all.  (This is all so fake.  I'm done writing about it.)  

Trump's home was stereotypically Dallas.  Huge mansion.  Her mom had all forms of plastic surgery. Her brothers seemed to be meathead former college football players.  Her dad looked like a skinny Sgt. Slaughter.  Usually, at least one Bachelor contestant's families will ruin their chances.  This year, JoJo is the one.  

This picture pretty much summed it up.  The two brothers ready to fight.  Dad telling mom to slow down.  Mom chugging sparkling wine?!  That's impressive.  With all those cupboards, there had to be at least one champagne flute.  Also, that must really hurt to chug drink sparkling wine.  On the other hand, she probably has so much botox above the neck that she can't feel anything.  

Ben should take a look at this photo and run for the hills.

Rose Ceremony 

This season has too many women that get along too well.  I wish Olivia had made it further.  She would have mixed it up.  

Instead, roses (predictably) went to LB, Software Caila, and JoJo Trump.  

Goodbye Mom Amanda.  Hope your five weeks away from home was worth it.  

The Bachelor Episode 7: On Time and Suboptimal

We have left the Bahamas and turn our sights to the Orthopedic Capital of the World!!

That’s Warsaw, Indiana. Ben no longer lives in Indiana, having chosen to settle in Denver along with every other millennial from Indiana. Ben returns home with six girls and four dates. LB, JoJo Trump, and Thing Emily get the individual dates while Mom Olivia, Hugs Becca, and Software Caila are left to a group date.

Ben pulls up to the dock too fast in a pontoon boat and Software Caila unwisely tries to stop the boat herself. Boats weigh thousands of pounds and don’t have breaks. Do not attempt to stop a boat approaching you. Especially if you are a 105 lb software sales rep.

It’s early but Thing Emily drops my QOTN: “Warsaw is absolutely gorgeous” WHAT? I have driven through Warsaw, Indiana. “Absolutely gorgeous” did not come close to entering my head during those trips.

Absolutely Warsaw

 LB and the Warsaw Tour

We get to visit Ben’s high school, church, movie theatre and youth club.  Ben is 26. This date is still.....ok, but I don’t think you can get away with it much longer. The highlight of the episode did come during their visit to a local boys n girls clubesque gym. Ronnie “The Half Court King” makes a, you guessed it, half-court shot for Ben to get a kiss. What a nickname! What a shot! I want to hang out with The Half Court King.

Remind me to fire my agent,

In addition to Ronnie, Indiana Pacers players Paul George and George Hill showed up. Along with a thrilled Coach Vogel. When you get these type of stops pulled out for your date (see JoJo’s upcoming date at Wrigley)…don’t you know you are getting a hometown rose? LB has been a favorite since early in the season, but hanging out in Indiana dive bars is only going to further ingratiate her with your blog co-authors.

JoJo Trump Does Chicago

Sweet Home Wrigley

Did you know Ernie Banks was nicknamed “Mr. Cub”? Of course you did. Did you also know he was nicknamed “Mr. Sunshine?” You did? LIAR.

JoJo is following a well-worn Bachelor/ette path. Scared to open up for fear of getting hurt. Opening up in relationships can be difficult. Opening up when you know your partner is simultaneously dating other people? Yeah, that might make it even more difficult.

Ben explains how much this date means to him since he’s a life-long Cubs fan. They enjoy dinner in the outfield and I predict this over the top date has also secured the hometown date for JoJo Trump.

Young Ben Higgins

Is JoJo the favorite to be the next Bachelorette? Are they going to pick Hugs Becca?

Motorboating with Hugs Becca, Software Caila and Mom Amanda

Ok, no motors were involved. It was actually only awkward rowing and I confess I was reading about the Chinese Super League’s ambition affecting the MLS through much of this boring date. Caila did inform the viewer that she moved seventeen times before college. She's concerned about the lack of a hometown feel to her Hometown date. I like the confidence, Caila. Mrs. Dugan believes that Caila is this season’s Catherine.

Mom Amanda gets the rose and Hugs Becca sees the writing on the wall. She then asks a prescient question: “What more do I need to do?” Ummmmmm. Well…..nope. Not going to say it.

Mom Amanda and Ben then shoot a McDonald’s commercial during their date. Seriously. It’s annoying but it’s also everyone’s fault who owns a DVR.

The McDonald’s commercial ends and they have a fair where the mayor introduces Ben and Amanda. Ben and I have a healthy fear of fair rides.

Warsaw Fair Employee of the Month

Miss Thing Meets the Parents

Oh, you poor little Thing. She is a fish out of water here in Indiana. I could count the mistakes made on this date but it’s been a while since I took calculus.

•          “Talking to people can kind of be a hard thing to do”
•          She “never sees ducks in Vegas”
•          “I’m really average at everything, but ready to be an above average mom and wife.”
•          What is going on? Is she throwing this date? Have we followed JoJo’s Cubs date with a nod to the 1919 White Sox?
•          She prefers to “sit around and watch movies all day”
•          She “doesn’t like vegetables”
•          Thing’s goal in life is to be an NFL cheerleader
•          This date is a train wreck into a dumpster fire and Ben mercifully puts Thing Emily out of her misery.

Rose Ceremony

Mom Amanda is safe

LB

JoJo Trump

Software Caila

Hugs Becca’s virginity is safe! Until next week and hometowns.

The Bachelor Episode 6: Even Later and Maybe Just as Short

Happy Monday faithful readers.  It looks like late posts are just going to be a thing this season.  Look on the bright side: you get to read our musings on the day of the Bachelor.  Today is not just President's Day, but also Bachelor Day.  From this day forward, all Mondays are holidays honoring ABC's American heroes.

Mrs. Wags chose Juan Pablo as her favorite Bachelor of all time.

This week's episode began with a continuation of last week's rose ceremony.  There is no way he's getting rid of Olivia.  Though she is crazy (and not in the "crazy-like-a-fox" sort of way), I think he'll keep her around because she is the prime example of the girl he cannot get in real life.  The best example of this phenomenon is previous Bachelor Ben Flajnik choosing Courtney the model.  

The other women spilled the beans on Olivia.  Olivia smartly played the victim with Ben; she claimed that the other women just don't want to get to know her.  Well played.  

Understandably angry at the other women, Olivia challenges them to "Come at me....bro."  Olivia must be a dumb frat guy reincarnated.  Or maybe she just watches the Jersey Shore.  

Rose Ceremony #1

At the first rose ceremony of the episode, Mom Amanda, Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh already had roses.  Additional roses went to: 

Software Caila

LB

Trump JoJo

Hugs Becca

Hut Hut Leah

Thing

Goodbye Ft. Lady Jennifer.  It's never a good sign when your first words on the show are about your fear of going home.  

The show then traveled to the Bahamas.  Mrs. Wags and I are confused about the Bahamas.  Are there more than one Bahama?  Is it a collection of islands?  Did the Beach Boys actually take a trip there?  Many questions, not many answers.  

Solo Date #1: Software Caila

Before Caila got the date, the pressure started to get to Hut Hut Leah, having had no solo time with Higgins.  She feels that they just need to have some time together because they are perfect for one another.  They live "10 minutes apart."  Little does Hut Hut understand that this is actually a disadvantage.  Bachelors DON'T WANT A LOCAL GIRL.  (See Flajnik, Ben.)   Hut Hut believes the "universe brought them together."  If anything, two black holes colliding brought Hut Hut and Ben together.  (I would not have been able to make that joke if I had written this post on time.)  

Software Caila's date with Software Ben was deep sea fishing.  The Softwares filled the date with terrible conversation.  It is a good thing the show is not transcribed.  They could never make it in Dugan and my world.

On the evening portion of the date, Ben said he needs Caila to cry. Uh, what?  Caila said she cannot cry (emotionally empty), but she did tell Ben she is falling in love with him (emotionally advanced), but she's also worried that she might hurt him.  Somehow, this series of tacks seemed to work with Ben.  Caila describes herself as being "confusing," yet all she wants is "to be understood."  

Like I said, it's a good thing this was not transcribed.

Caila got a rose because she's "authentic."  I think "coy" was the word he was looking for.  

Group Date: LB, Hugs Becca, Mom Amanda, JoJo Trump, Lauren Harbaugh, and Hut Hut Leah

The group date started with a boat ride.  I guess that's what you do when your in one of the Bahamas (or the only Bahama?).  

Hugs Becca delivered my QOTN: "You know what's unpredictable?  Sharks."  

Alas, there were no sharks, but there was an uninhabited island with SWIMMING PIGS.  I now know where I want to go on vacation.  

Watch your step.  

Mrs. Wags noticed that Strauss's "The Blue Danube Waltz" was playing in the background.  She described this as "awesome."  I describe this as, "I married up." 

JoJo Trump, showing off her Kardashian side, noted that "there are pigs everywhere."

This was the least impressive quote of the night.  

There was never any explanation for why there were swimming pigs in the water or who takes care of them.  Who knew pigs could even swim?  This is more confusing than Caila and the total number of Bahamas.  

Ben and the ladies fed hot dogs to the pigs.  That's messed up.  

On the date, Hut Hut again felt angry about not having any time with Ben.  She decided the best way to get noticed was to throw one of the other contestants under the bus.  Presumably, Olivia would be the easy target.  But Hut Hut isn't interested in easy targets.  She wants the biggest pig in the sea, so she chose to go after LB, the favorite at this point. 

When confronted by LB hours later, Hut Hut said "she would never be the type of person to single someone out."  Does Hut Hut not remember that there are video cameras recording this show?!  You can't tell lies like this.  I'm excited for The Women Tell All now.  

Mom Amanda got the date rose.  

Later that night, Hut Hut went to Ben's hotel room to continue on with her LB lie.  Ben saw right through it (or maybe Fleiss and Co. tipped him off?) and sent Hut Hut home.  

Two-on-One Date: Olivia and Thing

Mrs. Wags described this as a date pitting 400 CCs vs. 500 CCs.  Two girls that got implants for their high school graduation.  Mrs. Wags is really on fire tonight.  

The date started with a poem on the date card: "Two women.  One rose.  One stays.  One goes."  This is also what Ben's tattoo says.  

Olivia is going off the deep end.  "We've been writing our beautiful love story the whole time."  I can't tell if she is doing a bad job trying out to be the next Bachelorette or is doing a bad job wooing Ben.  Either way, she's doing a bad job.

Olivia, the quote machine, then said, "Deep intellectual things are my jam."  This was a close second-place finisher for QOTN.

The date was a boat ride (of course) to another island.  I'm starting to think "Bahamas" is intentionally pluralized.  

There was a torrential storm brewing as the three of them sat on the beach.  Each lady took turns giving speeches to Ben.  Maybe Hillary would do well on the Bachelor.

In the rainstorm, Ben seemed rather concerned about his hair.  For a few weeks now, I have been noticing Ben's purposefully and carefully combed forward hair, like he has something to hide.  I think there's a good chance that Ben is a bald denier.  He has the beginning of some power alleys in the front.  

Olivia couldn't hold back her crazy, and Ben sent her home, cold and wet.  Thing got the rose, but she was clearly more excited about sending Olivia packing.  

Rose Ceremony #2

Hugs Becca again dropped a great line, "It's almost like the weather has predicted this whole week."  

JoJo Trump needed to talk to Ben about something, but Ben cancelled the cocktail party.  She's either divorced, has a boyfriend, or has a kid.  My money is on divorce.  

Joining Mom Amanda, Software Caila, and Thing with roses were:

Hugs Becca

Trump

LB

Goodbye Lauren Harbaugh.  You were very nice, but exactly the kind of girl Ben can get back home in Warsaw.  

Until next week (i.e. tonight) when Dugan chronicles all the women professing their love.  

The Bachelor Episode 5: Late and Short

As some of our faithful readers know, there have been some big changes in life for your blog authors which have derailed our usual, timely performance. Please stick with us and we will get back on track. Before I waste more of your time, let's get to the long, overdue recap:

You know why Mexico is a great country? Miguel Herrera. Enough said.

Mom Amanda with the first One-on-One

Newscaster Olivia breaks the story that Mom Amanda is, in fact, a mom. "She has children...I don't think that's what Ben wants." Olivia has found a receptive audience with shit talking Lauren Harbaugh. Harbaugh his a history of shit talking against fellow girls having already taken on GI Jubilee and now she setting her sights on the single mom.

A hot air balloon leads to a formal dinner where Mom Amanda breaks down her baby past. She was married when the oldest was six months old and baby daddy sounds like a louse. I bet baby daddy doesn't know what a "louse" is. This sob story from Mom Amanda guarantees a rose and it's time for the group date. 

Top Cocinero with GI Jubilee, Hugs Becca, JoJo Trump, Software Caila, Thing Emily, LB, Ft. Laudy Jen, Hut Hut Leah, and Newscaster Olivia

The girls need to cook recipes in Spanish and are broken up in teams of two. 

• Thing Emily is a blog favorite but her Spanish is pretty poor. 
• GI Jubilee is called "Jubes" by the girls and I laugh every time they say it. 
• Jubes is unsettled in the group atmosphere. 
• As far as the newscaster, I am reading my notes a week later and all I see is "Olivia = crazy." That about sums this cooking date up. 

Night time party with a quick recap

• Olivia with a  quick grab (surprising no one)
• Jubilee isn’t liking him walk away with other girls and is starting to break down.
• LB getting a lot of one on one time and the girls notice,
• Jubilee calling out the "LBs, JoJos, Beccas…."

And like that...she's gone.

You really need a spouse when blogging the bachelor. It helps answer a lot of initial questions and Mrs. Dugan picks up the details that I miss. Ben is bending. He appears in tars. “IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS? DO WE HAVE A MESNICK?”

Mrs. Dugan: “No, he’s sitting.”

Mrs. Dugan with the save. We can't be throwing around false Mesnicks on the finest Bachelor blog in the business. JoJo offers Ben consolation but Olivia gets the producer’s rose and the girls are beginning to get caught in the Fleiss & Co. web.

Lauren Harbaugh's Fashion Date

I do love that Lauren H. has been named after coach Harbaugh since she's from Ann Arbor, Michigan and her last name starts with H. That's enough for us. Really. Obviously. Coach Harbaugh is known for his preferred choice of Docker's Khakis. I wouldn't take fashion tips from anyone on this date. The day fashion show turns into an evening dinner where Harbaugh tries to bring the sob story. She moved across the country for a boyfriend who cheated on her with her friends = rose.

Rose CeremonyWe are at the rose ceremony and GI Jubilee is already gone. Mom Amanda, Newscaster Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh have roses and are safe. The best part of the ceremony came when Mom Amanda was discussing her kids and their schedule while she's on the show. Newscaster Olivia believed it was appropriate to say the following: “I feel like its an episode of Teen Mom that I watch”

It wasn't. Mom Amanda turned into grizzly mom: "I’m an adult. I have my shit together”

Olivia begins to bully The Thing and we are continued until next week...or tonight.