The Bachelor Episode 4: Faux Hawk Farmer

Great news for me!  Ice cream is back in the house (cookies and cream to be exact) and the whiskey is on the rocks (one rock to be exact).  Before I begin, I'd like to pass along well wishes to our East Coast fans suffering through Stormageddon 2015.  I hope you're all hunkered down and ready for some farm aid from Chris.  Look on the bright side of things: you all have the seasons!  I have one weather prediction for tonight: a Farmageddon (see what I did there?).

And now for the crappiest recap of the most romantic show on television...

This week's episode started with Harrison updating the ladies and the viewing audience that Chris "still believes his wife is in this room."  Phew.  I was starting to get worried that this process was all for nothing.

Group Date #1: Megan, Kaitlyn Rickles, Crazy Ashley, Maculate Virgin Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, Samantha, Ferngully Mackenzie, and Widowmaker Kelsie

This date card said "Let's do what feels natural."  I feel like I can't make the joke I want to right here.

The date started off with the Maculate Virgin (in a skimpy cutoff shirt by the way) saying that guys look so sexy when they drive a car.  I totally get that.  Mrs. Wags loves it when I top out at 55 in the Prius.

Try to catch me driving' 30

Budget cut alert: the group date is at a...wait for it....a lake!  This was great news for Ferngully though.  Her favorite place is "a lake."

The Maculate Virgin dropped her top and jumped off a pier into the lake.  How very sweet, innocent, and adorable.  Rickles would not be outdone and jumped into the lake with no bottoms.  These ladies really have a grasp on what makes good wife-material.

Sidenote: I just paused the show to write that last blurb and caught this in still frame.

Caption contest!

Back at the house, Chris's three sisters showed up to choose which one of the ladies would get to go on the one-on-one date.  One of his sisters lives in Ireland.  79% of the women did not know where Ireland is.

It's in Eastern Europe.  Duh.

Back on the date, the Widowmaker was upset that the lake was not good enough compared to the lakes she's used to.  In the wise words of T-Boz, Left Eye, and Chili, don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

The date continued with camping...in bikinis.  I only camp in beach houses, but bikini-camping seems contrary to the idea of camping.

Back at the house, the ladies were just steaming artichokes and hanging out in bikinis.  Reality TV, am I right?

On the group date, other ladies accused Widowmaker of being a fraud and not that into Chris.  Poetically, the Maculate Virgin called her a "fake."  Said the 26 year old, skinny dipping, cutoff shirt wearing, party girl.

The ladies were drinking lots of whiskey on the date.  Never did I think I would have so much in common with the women of the Bachelor.

After very little deliberation, Rickles got the date rose.  Her response: "This is awesome.  And I'm drunk."



After Rickles got the rose, the Maculate Virgin joined Chris in his tent to let him know she's never even had a boyfriend.

Sisters' Pick Solo Date: Jade

Here's a little blog secret I'm going to share.  I do no research on this show.  I don't read blogs.  I don't spend any time learning about people on the show.  I pretty much only talk to Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, and Mrs. Wags about it.  That being said, I have become aware that Jade has a prior career that might involve some nudity.  Soooooooo, NICE WORK CHRIS'S SISTERS.  You all picked the adult model to go out with your farmer brother.

Some unnecessarily wacky stylists came over to dress Jade as a princess for her Cinderella.  Though all the ladies seemed envious and excited, I nearly passed out from boredom.  You know that feeling when your eyes are open, but your brain feels like it's going to turn off?  Feel my pain, and I'll empathize with yours.

Before Jade arrived at the ball, Fleiss and Co. filmed Chris practicing the box step by himself.  I would have been interested in this scene only if Neil Lane was the instructor.

Unrelated thought: I wish Chris only had a moustache.  It would present an intriguing test to see whether all the women would be so head-over-heels in love.

Will you accept this rose?

Chris gave Jade the date rose.  But there was one more surprise.   It was an orchestra and some cross-promotion from a new Cinderella movie.  (Wait a second.  Is that Robb Stark from Game of Thrones?!  I might need to see Cinderella).


Group Date #2: Former Cheerleader Nikki, Crossfit Jillian, Nurse Whitney, Carly Rae, Favorite Britt, and Hugs Becca

The date started with all the gals wearing wedding dresses.  They then took a limo to a plane.  What's happening here?

Answer: they're going to San Francisco!  That's where I am!

While in San Francisco, they all walked across the Golden Gate Bridge, went to wine country, ate at a fancy restaurant, and had drinks at a tiki bar.  Oh wait.  No they didn't.  They competed in a muddy obstacle course while wearing wedding dresses.  Nice work by Fleiss and Co.

During the course, Carly Rae provided the QOTN, "I gave up after the big balls."  How could ABC know that this was such an appropriate time to be making ball jokes?

I don't have anything to say about The Bachelor either

Guess who won the obstacle course?  Yes, you guessed it.  The woman nicknamed Crossfit.

Crossfit's reward was an evening date with Chris at the Fairmont Hotel.  This is amazing.  Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, Mrs. Wags, and I have plans to be AT THAT HOTEL this summer.  Scorpion Bowl for four?  Yes please.

The date with Crossfit fell apart.  She talked and talked and talked.  And then told dumb filthy jokes.  And then got sent home.  But all is not lost.  Crossfit is going to do burpees all the way back to Washington, DC.

Rose Ceremony

The Maculate Virgin decided to make it abundantly clear to Chris that she's a virgin by telling him she's a virgin.  When she told him, Chris said, "I never saw that coming."  Ouch!  Chris agrees that she is very Maculate.

All of the other ladies were equally shocked that the Maculate Virgin is a virgin (because she's not).  Carly Rae (who, shockingly, is not a virgin) said that Maculate's "mouth is not a virgin."  Cue Beavis and Butthead laugh track.

Before the commercial break, they snuck in that Hugs Becca is also a virgin.  Great news!  Her nickname just got exponentially better.

Joining Jade and Rickles with roses were:

Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Megan
Samantha
Ferngully Mackenzie
Widowmaker Kelsie
Hugs Becca
Maculate Virgin Ashley
Favorite Britt

Goodbye Crazy Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, and Former Cheerleader Nikki.  We lost a lot of good nicknames tonight.

Until next week, when Dugan inevitably picks up our spirits.

The Bachelor Episode 3: Faux Hawk Farmer

We begin week 3 with an early morning intruder in the Bachelor mansion. Our friendly farmer starts his day with some coffee delivered by Jimmy Kimmel. I think Jimmy Kimmel seems harmless and likable enough. What late night host would you least like to see bright and early? I know my answer.

Tom Snyder from the Late Late Show, among others.

Rickles' Costco Date

The date card explains that Rickles is about to join an exclusive club with hors-d'oeuvres, sweeping views, tall ceilings, etc. You get the idea. They go to Costco and have to buy obscure items for a dinner date with Jimmy Kimmel. Want an obscure fact somewhat relevant to the show? Costco has two stores in Iowa. 2. Iowa.

My highlight from the date was seeing the Bachelor and I share the same grill.

Jimmy Kimmel brings up the very real problem of the winner and Chris eventually watching the season and being aware of what goes on in the fantasy suites. Rickles understands the premise of the show but does question whether she can receive a similar Hall Pass. Rickles, with the help of her comedian brother Kimmel, secures the rose and will be staying on the show.

Hoedown Throwdown

Hey, that's an original idea. Oh wait, Miley Cyrus has a song about it? From 2010 Miley? And the lyrics include "Pop it. Lock it. Polka Dot it." I AM ALL IN.




Favorita Britt, Crossfit, Becca, Hot For Teacher, Ferngully, Widowmaker, Blackish, Crazy Ashley, Unrboken Juelia, Samantha, Former Cheerleader Nikki and Carly Rae.

The girls are involved in a musical chairs type relay race involving Corn Shucking, finding eggs in a chicken pen, cracking said egg without cracking the yolk, milking goats, drinking said goat milk, shoveling manure, and picking up a greased pig. This show has a history of poor stunts but this has got to be up there on the degrading scale.

It ends up being a 2 woman, 1 man race between Carly Rae, the Widowmaker and Crossfit. Would I say that to Crossfit's face? HELL NO.

Carly Rae enjoys the blue ribbon and the season's second American Gothic reference. I set the over/under on remaining American Gothic references at 1.5. What are you taking?

Episode 3 

Episode 1

The Faux Hawk is applying a lot of chapstick and kissing almost all of the girls on this group date. He's going to get himself in trouble. Becca slows his roll and gives him a hug preferring not to follow Carly Rae, Blackish and Crossfit.

Here's the rest of the highlights in rapid succession.

• Ferngully is concerned and drops the QOTN: “why are you kissing everyone else?”
• Becca must have a strong hug game because she secures the rose.
• Crazy Ashley gave an awesome face in response
• Carly Rae was a sad puppy and came strong with this pathetic QOTN nominee “Roseless feels sooooo bad.”

Nurse Whitney and the Staged Wedding Crashing

If you believe they actually crashed a wedding, please stop reading. This blog isn't for you. There is a good chance you don't understand sarcasm or, really, life in general.

I dislike the "fake reality" TV more than pretty much any aspect of this show so I have little to say other than Nurse Whitney receives the and her prospects for a lengthy run seem good.

Pool Party and Suicide Talk

The rose night cocktail party is cancelled in lieu of a fun, relaxed pool party. Everyone is enjoying themselvces so Unbroken Juelia decides it's time for some suicide talk. I would question her decision making...but she is a single mother who, after her husband's suicide, decided to go on a reality dating show.  I am guessing Juelia's trail of poor decisions leaves a helluva wake.

Speaking of bad decisions, watch this:



The rest of the pool highlights:

• Fav Britt is a little unsettled by the other girls but plays it cool
• Jade wants to see his place and secures a rose
• Crossfit and the Maculate Virgin (Jersey Ashley's new nickname) enjoy an awkward hot tub confrontation
• The Maculate Virgin is making a fatal Bachelor mistake. She is spending too much time talking about the other women.

Rose ceremony

Rickles, Nurse Whitney and Hugs Becca are safe. Joining them with roses:

Jade
Samantha
Unbroken Juelia
Ferngully
Widowmaker
Fav Britt
Megan
Carly Rae
Crazy Ashley
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Crossfit
Maculate Virgin

Tandra
Hot For Teacher (difficult for me as she was a favorite of Dugan's to go far. They never seemed to click and she didn't seem to mind getting the boot.)
Blackish

Until next week and the return of Tim.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Faux Hawk Farmer

It feels so good to be back.  It's been a night of surprises leading up to the Bachelor.  Ohio State are unexpected champions.  I enjoyed a couple (few) glasses of my favorite red blend from the Sonoma coast.  There's no ice cream in the house, and I'm too comfortable on the couch to get whiskey.  I don't know where tonight is headed, but I hope one step closer to true love for our Faux Hawk Farmer Chris.

Now that Urban Meyer is off of my TV, let's see what's happening with Less-than-urban Chris.  Last week, the episode ended with one of the women, Kimberley aka She Ate Me II, getting booted, and then breaking the rules by coming back into the house.  Predictably, she "feels like she was supposed to be here."  Chris needed to get some protocol advice from Harrison.  After consulting with Harrison, Chris decided to keep She Ate Me II.  Chris proved once again that he is one thing, and one thing only:

Chess

Before the first date, Harrison interviewed Chris and the ladies.  So far, it's pretty clear that this season will contain more Harrison and a whole lot of Chris using his outdoor shower.

Group Date #1: Jade, Tandra, Jersey Ashley, Ferngully Mackenzie, She Ate Me II, and Hurricane Tara

The first date was a pool party.  More half-naked Chris.  More chicken fights.  And, apparently, more views of back tattoos on the ladies.  

While the girls were at the pool, Megan and Jillian snuck into Chris's apartment, saw that his motorcycle was parked in his living room, tried on his helmet, and then checked the safety of the helmet by running their heads into a brick wall.  I think I should have drank the entire bottle of wine to make sense of that sequence.  

Back to the date.  Chris went from a pool party to a tractor race.  In case you forgot, Chris is a farmer from Iowa.  

Back at the house, Juelia revealed to the other women that she has a daughter and used to be married, but her husband killed himself.  One of the other women praised her bravery for being on the show.  

The search for true love takes courage

Back on the date, Chris ended the group date early and took Ferngully on an evening one-on-one date.  All of the other women were heart broken.  Fleiss and Co. are doing everything they can to drive a wedge between the women.  

Ferngully noticed that Chris, the "farmer," once had his ears pierced. 

Iowa

The earring observation was permissible, but then Ferngully said that Chris has a big nose, and then asked if he believes in aliens.  Though maybe not the right question for a first date, I have often thought this would be an appropriate question for jury selection.  Ohhh, you believe in aliens?  You're free to leave the court room.

The date turned around when Ferngully revealed that she had a kid.  Per Bachelor rules, Ferngully got a rose after admitting that she has a one-year-old child.

Back at the house, Ferngully revealed her immaturity by kissing and telling, and telling, and telling, and telling.

Solo Date: Megan

As you now know, the group date was a tractor race.  Megan, on the other hand, got a limo ride to a private jet, to a helicopter ride.  Megan was so happy that she said, "the butterflies in my stomach are colorful and fluttering."  Megan is the best!  I think she's just a little ditzy. Maybe she shouldn't have crash tested the motorcycle helmet by slamming her head into a brick wall.  She doesn't have the brain cells to spare.

The helicopter took them to the Grand Canyon.  During a picnic on the canyon floor, Megan admitted that she almost wasn't on the show because her dad died a few short days beforehand.  Thus, she is only on the show for the right reasons.  

Of course, if you're on the Bachelor for the right reasons, you get a rose.  Megan is one of three women on the show in the makeup business.  At this point, she might be the favorite of the three.

Group Date #2: Widowmaker Kelsey, Trina, Crash Test DummyAlissa, Hot for Teacher Tracy, Crossfit Jillian, Becca, Amber, Shrek Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, Rickles, and Favorite Britt

The date started with a horror theme.  More specifically, an end-of-the-world zombie nightmare.  You might have been able to predict this, but Chris came and saved the day.  

The date was a team-based, paintball game.  They were supposed to take out zombies.  Shrek Ashley didn't understand the concept of paintball, teams, guns, life, or anything else that could lead to success on a Bachelor date.  

Chris thought all the women looked sexy while shooting zombies with a paintball gun.  That's really what I love about this show.  It's a realistic way for a guy to find a wife in a real life situation.

Back at the house, Sorority Jordan (the girl that brought whiskey shots on the first episode), drank too much and twerked against a wall.  She gives whiskey an irresponsible name (and maybe makes Hurricane Tara look sober).

On the date, Rickles did a Canadian accent.  Chris thought that was sexy.  This guy seems to think most things are sexy.  

Sexy

Sexy

Not sexy

Favorite Britt got some alone time with Chris.  She has obviously studied how to win this game show.  She told Chris that she feels like she is the only girl there and that their relationship is going well.  She's a cool, confident cucumber.  Though Favorite Britt said all the right things, Rickles got the date rose.  

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Nurse Whitney gave Chris a bottle of Iowa whiskey.  Though I find her voice to be the most annoying sound in the world, her amazing gift started to change how I feel about her.

Jersey Ashley, who described herself as a cougar on the first episode, revealed that she is a virgin.  Then she proceeded to nearly go to second base with Chris on screen.  As Ferngully eloquently stated, her actions leave us "mind boggled."  Two hours of watching this show often leave me feeling rather mindboggled.

Sorority Jordan must have continued drinking all afternoon.  She wanted to make out with Chris, but instead just stumbled over her words and made no sense.  For the second time on the episode, she made Hurricane Tara seem like a model 12 stepper.

In addition to Ferngully, Megan, and Rickles, roses went to:

Favorite Britt

The Virgin Jersey Ashley

Trina

Widowmaker

Samantha

Unbroken Juelia

Amber

Hot for Teacher Tracy

Crossfit Jillian

Jade

Some girl whose name I couldn't understand even though I rewound the show 5 times (Tandra?)

Becca

Carly Rae

Nurse Whitney

Crazy Shrek Ashley

It was a bad night for drunks, as Hurricane Tara and Sorority Jordan were joined by Second Chance Kimberley and Crash Test Dummy Alissa in getting sent home.  

Until next week, when Jimmy Kimmel cross promotes his show and Dugan's blog post.

Prince Farming Premiere: He's Here For The Right Reasons

Ok friends and fans, we are back. It's late here on the East Coast but nothing provides a caffeine boost like the Bachelor premiere. We are back with Chris Soules, the Iowa Farmer who fell short on Bachelorette Andi's season.

We have a red carpet opening to begin the show and host Chris Harrison is trying to hammer home that "Prince Farming" will return the honor and glory to the besmirched Bachelor franchise due to Juan Pablo's season. Sadly, DirecTv was less excited about Farmer Chris and decided to stick with Juan Pablo's head shot instead.

Let's get everyone up to speed. Chris is a 33 yr old, 4th generation farmer whose family operates a 6,000 acre farm consisting mostly of Alfalfa, Soy Beans and Pigs. Chris is a lonely guy in a town of about 400 people.

Do you want to see how small Arlington, Iowa is? Click here.

But the population this summer swole up, Bro. The ALBINO RHINO hit up Arlington, opened a Hooters and tanning booth and trained Farmer Chris into Bachelor shape.

NEWSFLASH - The Bachelor broke Twitter. I have to assume people are excited about the blog. Was it the NBA trade? Notre Dame's 15-1 start after beating UNC? North Korea?

Let's move on and meet the ladies vying to be the Farmer's Hoe. We will introduce them to the WWT readers as they entered the show. All nicknames are to be considered in production at this time. This is a fluid process and names may change. Wags and I welcome suggestions in the comments. Some of the notes used below are available at the bios website on the ABC homepage for the show.

LIMO #1

Britt is a 27 yr old waitress from Hollywood. She gives a strong entrance hug, passes a note, and is an early favorite to go far per Mrs. Dugan.
Nurse Whitney is a 29 yr old fertility nurse from Chicago. She appears to be a super fan and the crazy force is strong with this one.
Kelsey, aka the Widowmaker, is a 28 yr old Guidance Counselor from Austin, Texas. Considering her name is Kelsey and she's a counselor, I also thought about calling her Frazier.

***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?

• Good Will Hunting, What About Bob?, and Mean Girls.

Anyone who has What About Bob? in their top 3 movies can do no wrong in my book. I'm a Widowmaker fan until the end.

Megan is a 24 yr old makeup artist and my guess to make it the furthest without the audience knowing ANYTHING about her.
Jersey Ashley is a 26 yr old Freelance Journalist from Wayne, NJ

***BIO ALERT*** Describe the worst first date you've ever been on.

• I decided to try out being a cougar, but he was sooo immature and had me pay for everything. He was too intimidated to hold a conversation.

Honest question. Can 26 yr old women be cougars?

LIMO #2

Trina is a 33 yr old special ed teacher from San Clemente, CA
Reegan, aka Biohazard, brings the tell tale heart to the Farmer. She's a 28 yr old donated tissue specialist from Manhattan Beach, CA
Hurricane Tara is a proud South Floridian who struts into the Bachelor mansion in daisy dukes and a casual shirt and drinks whiskey on the rocks. Hurricane Tara also claims to be a Sport Fishing Enthusiast as her job. I don't even know where to begin. Honest. I don't.
Amber, is a 29 yr old bartender from Chicago

***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?

• The Lion King, Reservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale. 
• That's odd, I thought “Blackish” was on ABC Wednesday nights. 

Nikki, aka Former Cheerleader Nikki, is a 26 yr old, get this, Former NFL Cheerleader from New York City

LIMO #3 – Warning - No other limo is going to top this group of nicknames

We have Crazy Amanda, the 24 yr old Ballet Teacher in the Jasminesque outfit from Illinois. She brings some heat in Dugan's weekly Quote Of The Night (QOTN) game. Due to Crazy Amanda's outfit and actions, she has been dubbed Belly Dancing Hasselbeck, or BDH, for short.

BDH QOTN attempts:

1. Hey, BDH, why are you still single? BDH: "I'm fucking crazy”
2. "I don’t like bills or cleaning"
3. "His smile is panty dropping”

Please stay on this season long, Belly Dancing Hasselback.

Jillian, aka Crossfit, is a ripped 25 yr old news producer from the nation's capital.
Mackenzie, aka Ferngully, is a 21 yr old dental assistant from Washington State.
Ashley S, aka Shrek (more on that later), is a 24 yr old hair stylist from Brooklyn. Shrek goes on a tirade about people and onions and layers. She's Shrek.



Kaitlyn, aka Rickles,  is a 29 yr old dance instructor from Vancouver.

Her upfront demeanor brought out the QOTN and the exchange of the night between Rickles and the Farmer.

Rickles: "You can plow the fuck out of my field any day.” ***winner, winner, chicken dinner***
Chris: “Didn’t see that coming.”

***BIO ALERT*** If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?

• Pay back my parents for all my dance lessons, buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.

LIMO #4

Samantha is a 27 yr old fashion designer from Los Angeles, CA
Michelle is a 25 yd old wedding cake decorator from Provo, Utah.

***BIO ALERT*** Describe your idea of the ultimate date.

• A surprise trip to Waikoloa (Hawaii), a luau, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watch the sunset on the beach.

You are on the right show. "Helicopter ride over volcano" is standard bachelor fare.

Juelia is a 30 yr old esthetician (fancy way of saying makeup artist?) from Portland, OR

Becca is a 25 yr old chiropractic assistant from San Diego
Tandra is a 30 yr old exec assistant from Sandy, UT, who rides in on a motorcycle.

LIMO #5

Alissa, aka Crash Test Dummy is a 24yr old flight attendant from Hamilton, NJ. She wants everyone buckled up and safe, including Chris.

Jordan is a 24 yr old student from Colorado who brings Whiskey. They must be fans of Wags blogging weeks.
Nicole, aka Ned Beatty or Ginger,  is a 31 yr old real estate agent who wore a pig nose and dropped this sweet pun: “I wanted to ham it up for you.” I love bad puns so I am in Ned Beatty's camp.
Brittany is a 26 yr old WWE Diva from Orlando because Florida.
Carly, aka Carly Rae is a 26 yr old  cruise ship singer from the Arlington people have heard of.

***BIO ALERT*** What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done?

• I had to be a pirate watcher from midnight to 4am in the Red Sea on my last ship. (Yes, you read that correct...actual pirates, not Captain Hook.)

We need to get Carly Rae and Rickles together on YARRRLAND (see above and pay better attention next time.)

LIMO #6
Tracy, aka Hot For Teacher is an attractive 29 yr old teacher from Wellington, FL. She is a Dugan pick to go final 3.
Bo, aka She Ate Me I, is a 25 yr old plus size model from California.
Kimberly, aka She Ate Me II is a 28 yr old yoga instructor from Strong Island with a completely unfair nickname but She Ate Me I always needs a She Ate Me II.
Kara is a 25 yr old soccer coach from Brownsville, KY
Jade may have saved the best for last and is a 28 yr old cosmetics developer from LA.

Party and Rose Ceremony

He can’t remember their names? Neither can we – that’s why we use nicknames.

• Someone has a 6 and 7 yr old
• Carly Rae is bringing the random Iowa criminal code trivia. Interesting choice, Carly Rae.
• Rickles can also breakdance
• Hot For Teacher is concerned about becoming a cat lady. She brought this up multiple times.
• Shrek goes on her onion rants, among others. 
• Ferngully likes to water color. Of course she does.
• Hurricane Tara is gaining strength in the Pacific.
• Mrs. Dugan has a good eye and Britt walks with the First Impression Rose.

Rose Ceremony

29 girls left and 21 more roses to be handed out. Britt is safe with the First Impression Rose. Who is joining her?

Rickles
Jade
Samantha
Jersey Ashley
Tandra
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Widowmaker
Megan
Crash Test Dummy
Blackish
Juelia
Becca L
Trina
Ferngully
Hot For Teacher
Hurricane Tara
Jordan
Crossfit
Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Shrek



Ginger
Belly Dancing Hasselbeck.
Kara.
She Ate Me II
She Ate Me I
WWE Diva
Amber
Biohazard

Until next week when Wags takes the reigns and tries to return order to WWT.

The Bachelorette Episode 10: It's Neil Lane Time

It's finale night.  You know what that means, right?  It means true love will be found! (okay, maybe not).  It means Neil Lane will be on the show! (not a guarantee).  It means Chris Harrison will finally get the air time he deserves! (unlikely).

There is only one thing guaranteed in this crazy, mixed-up Bachelor/ette world: I will be celebrating with Four Roses bourbon and ice cream one last time!  And to completely come clean, I had a small glass of Rosé with dinner. I don't know what's in store for Andi, but this will easily be my most romantic drinking night of the season. But enough about my vices, let's continue with the recap.

This final episode is coming to you live with Chris B. Harrison, our spiritual guide and beacon of light for hopeless romantics everywhere.  Harrison drops a bomb on the audience: the guy who lost is still in love and even went to Mexico on one of Andi's vacations to try and win her back (read: one of these guys is really, really pitiful).  

Hans Meets the Fam

Hans, my pick to win it all, met Andi's family.  Andi's dad, Hy, said he's never seen one of Andi's dates so nervous.  How crazy is it that her dad has a reference point for comparison?  You know you've been involved with ABC's The Bachelor/ette too long when your dad can say something like that.  

Hans tells the Dorfmans that he loves that Andi is a "career-driven" woman. Does Hans realize that Andi has quit her job twice to be on this show?  As Detective Dugan previously pointed out, she probably only worked as a lawyer for 18 months, max.  Let's just say I'm not prepared to give her any awards.  

That's Gloria Steinem, real feminist.  

Andi Dorman, anti-feminist and part-time Kardashian impersonator

As I was typing, the date just flew by.  Hans got permission to marry Andi.  

Josh Griffey Jr. Meets the Fam

Josh also arrived to meet Andi's family.  Hy said Josh was nervous.  Josh said Josh was nervous.  I even got nervous (but only after I noticed that Andi's sister had a tattoo of a turtle on her shoulder...I REALLY hope she got it on this "meet the family" trip).  

The Dorfmans disliked Josh because he is just like every over-confident jock that she has dated.  I don't even know Andi, but even I can see that he is like every other Atlanta jock that she has dated.  

Andi's dad called Versailles, "Ver-sal."  Do your thing, Hy.  

Josh b.s.'d his way into getting permission from Hy.   

Josh's Last Date

They took one last yacht ride together.  Andi rhetorically asked, "is this all too good to be true?"  To you, Andi, I concisely answer, "Yes."  

Josh says he wants to marry "his best friend."  Please refer to the title of this week's blog post:  "Week 10."  Declaring someone your best friend after 10 weeks only works when you're six years old and 10 weeks constitutes a significant percentage of your entire life.  In their hit song, "You're My Best Friend," Queen's Freddy Mercury pointed out that "I've been with you such a long time."  If Freddy says time matters, it must be so.



Josh then said he wants to "make her my wife."  Why do I feel like I have entered into a country music lyric whenever Josh talks?  

Josh wrote a letter to Andi and read it out loud.  I guess I feel better about him knowing that he can read.  

Josh then presented Andi with her very own Andi Murray baseball card.  This moment must have made Dugan's nickname dreams come true:

I really want Josh to lose (but I also kind of want Hans to lose).

Hans's Final Date

I've had about enough of these dates.  When is Neil Lane going to show up?  We've been waiting all season for that moment.  I don't need to see another helicopter/yacht/ATV/beach/picnic/waterfall/chardonnay scene.  I need a slim fit black suit with an white, unbuttoned dress shirt.

He always delivers

While swimming in a lagoon, Josh said he wants to marry Andi.  This isn't really news or revelatory, but it happened, so I guess I should write about it.

The date continued with dinner later that night and more chardonnay, of course.  Hans and Andi then made out for awhile.  These types of moments are always my favorite because one guy will presumably propose marriage in the next 24-48 hours.  He will then re-watch this episode.  He will see the other guy making out with his fiancé.  So I ask you, dear reader, WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER GO ON THIS SHOW!?!?!?   

To be on the cover of US Weekly of course, said Mrs. Dugan

Neil Lane

All of my dreams came true.  Neil Lane arrived to explain the 4 C's to these guys.  Neil Lane loves an emerald cut because it's for a strong woman.  Josh agreed.

Hans was waiting for Neil in his thatch-roof hut, but Andi showed up instead.  And she wasn't wearing makeup.  Not a good sign for Hans.  Looks like Andi has her "crying face" ready.  Once Hans saw Andi sans-mascara, he could see the writing on the wall.  Andi broke up with him.  Hans had a great response by pointing out that Andi "took it too far."  Good point Hans.  Why do the Bachelor/ettes always give into the pressures of Fleiss and Co. and lead the loser on so much?  It must be contractual, right?  Lawyers.  It's always the lawyers.  

Andi left in tears.  Hans stood by the railing of his room and nearly gave us a full Mesnick, but sadly we only got a Flajnik (lean over the rail, no tears).  Mrs. Wags wants to know what a "Pavelka" would be.  

Do the Pavelka

Rose Ceremony

Hans is already on the slow boat to Wisconsin, so there will not be any surprises in this rose ceremony.  

Once again, Josh Griffey Jr. said that he gave up his first love of baseball to find a family.  I would be remiss if I didn't point out that he likely gave up baseball because he was a career .213 hitter in single-A minor league baseball.  

Josh's speech cadence is the same as Kenny Powers.  Andi is April.  HOW AM I JUST REALIZING THIS NOW!?  Oh no, the season is slipping away.  She's the one with the career.  He's a loser.  They're from Georgia.  They live in Georgia.  His baseball career has been over for years.  THEY ARE KENNY AND APRIL.  Season is ending.  Must madly type comparisons...oh no....fading....to.....black.......

The Bachelorette Episode 9: Fantasy Suite Night

I am blogging on the road this week as Casa de Dugan is being tented for termites. The show is also on the move as we have traveled to Hispaniola (the acceptable side for tourists, La Republica Dominicana) for fantasy sweet dates with the final three contestants: John Deere, Hans, and Josh Griffey Jr.

Andy gives her rundown of the remaining guys and makes it painfully obvious that her final choice will be Josh. 

Josh

She "likes Josh". He’s "her type". She's "attracted to him". She "can be her complete self with Josh".  She "feels over the moon, giddy, unbelievebale". Their relationship is "easy, natural, exciting…"

Can we just give him the final rose and end this?

John Deere

Amazing guy, sweet, smart, lighthearted and funny. "So cute and charming and romantic." He's the "Farmer/Businessman who has it all."

Just put him out of his misery. She sounds like she is explaining a labradoodle not a guy she will end up with.

Nick Hans

Shy, skeptical. Memorable.  Sweet, affectionate. Serious. "He just gets me". Mental connection. Passionate side. Falling in love. Potential

From the early explanations, it looks like a Josh/Hans showdown but let's review the dates and decide.

Hans Gets a Helicopter Date 

It's getting late in the season to have an eventual winner without a helicopter date so it was nice to see Hans get his. Andi explains to the viewers that she wants more information about Hans' previous breakups. 

I always want to know more about the production of these episodes. Hans and Andi start making out in the helicopter. Helicopters are not very large. The cameraman appears about a foot away. Is this awkward? Does it just become normal?

They have a long discussion about Hans terrible breakup. Let me guess? You pretended to be in love with a girl shortly after meeting her, even to the point of getting engaded, then secretely plot to steal business opportunities from her older sister. Once exposed, you go full evil and attempt to kill the older sister only to be blocked by the younger sister and former fiance. Eventually Hans returned to Milwaukee to be punished for his wrongdoings.

While his story may lead others to ask many questions...I only have one. Who the hell spends this much time at the beach without sunglasses? How in God's name are you on the beach for any length of time without sunglasses? 

At dinner, Hans shared a story he wrote for Andi. While the story was nice and included a page about their date that very same day, I was more impressed with Hans' illustrations. Did he really draw these pictures? If he didn't, how is that assignment explained to the staffer at Fleiss & Co.?

Hans hides behind a tree, drops the L bomb and gets the fantasy suite time.

 =

Josh Manages to Find a Baseball Field on a Date...AGAIN

The Dominican Republic was Dugan's first foreign county and I'll always remember it fondly. Josh and Andi walk around the capital, Santo Domingo. I know he rightly takes a beating from modern historians but Christopher Columbus' tomb is a magnificent monument. It could also double as a movie prop for the next National Treasure movie.

Fucking of course Josh finds a baseball field. This further cements Josh as the winner. He obviously loves baseball and Andi manages to find a baseball field on every date. She cares about him and their relationship seems genuine. Let's ignore the rest of their baseball date and list some D.R. beisbol greats:

• Big Papi
• Pujols
• Pedro
• Cano
• Sosa
• Hanley
• Jose Reyes
• Big Vlad

Who would you take from that group? L Bomb #2 leads to the Quote of the Night! Josh explains he isn't just throwing around the "love" word without meaning: "I never said that before when I really meant it."

Yeah. That's a triple header. You get bolded, underlined and italicized. He's not denying telling girls he loved them. Just denying that he meant it. BOOM. This blog loves you, Josh.

I'll be very surprised if Josh does not win. Like lebron leaving Miami for Cleveland surprised. I also don’t think Josh would expose himself and become this vulnerable without knowing he was winning in the end. 

John Deere and the 3,000 lb Horses of Rancho Peligro

Mrs. Dugan and Andi share a healthy fear of horses. However, Andi's fear is also completely irrational and offers up what would be the best quote on any other night (hat tip up above to Josh): “There’s just something about a 3,000 pound animal underneath me and I don’t know what they are thinking.”

3,000 lbs? What breed of horse is this?

Did anyone else notice the beautiful mountain landscape on this date? Why are there mountains in Cuba, Dominican Republic and other subtropical locales but not in Florida?

• Britton Hill, located in the Florida Panhandle, is the highest point in Florida at 345 feet 
• More than one-third of the Dominican Republic lies higher than 1,500 feet (457 metres), and it has the highest relief of the West Indies, reaching 10,417 feet (3,175 metres) at Duarte Peak in the Cordillera Central in the Dominican Republic.
• Cuba's highest point is 6,578 feet. 

My biggest takeaway from this date is that John Deere went to the "Hide and seek" well once too often. A rare game of hide and seek is one thing, but if this is your date "go to" activity, you are giving Iowans a bad name.  He's starting to make Josh look mature.

The rest of the date can be summed up.

John Deere is kicked out and we are left with Serious Hans v. Fun loving Josh. Andi wanted to have a rose ceremony and neither guy said no.

  

Let's pray that Josh wins so we can have Andi Murray.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Hometowns

So Mrs. Wags and I just returned from a European vacation, and I'm writing a day late with no ice cream.  I panicked and asked Mrs. Wags what I would have with my whiskey.  She replied that I could have part of an Aero bar and/or some digestive biscuits that we brought back from Ireland.  This just is not going to cut it.  After Dugan's ultra-patriotic post from last week, I feel that my Euro-candy and Euro-biscuits are an embarrassment to this blog.  And I apologize.

I can't quit you

On to the show.  We are at that point with four guys left and a marriage proposal could be on the way in a couple short weeks.  It feels like anyone could win, but no one should.  This is definitely the beauty (and horror) of this show.

Hans in Milwaukee

Somehow, I did not realize that Hans (Nick) lives in Milwaukee.  I assumed he lived in some ice castle.  (That was my best attempt at a Frozen reference.  Still haven't seen the movie.  Sorry Dugan).  

Hans wore a scarf on the date that looked suspiciously like Andi's scarf.  I guess Hans knew the blog post was going to start with a Euro theme.  

Hans brought Andi on a beer brewery tour.  I was really hoping they would go to one of Milwaukee's best breweries.  He would be a beast is he brought her there (see where I'm going with this?).  

It's premium

They eventually arrived Hans's parents' home.  His parents have apparently spent the past two decades having kids.  

The Hans Family

Hans had a heart-to-heart with one of his sisters in the basement of the house.  It had a finished basement.  Having spent some time in the midwest and watched many episodes of House Hunters, I know that finished basements are a big deal.  It also had an electric dartboard.  I got a little weepy remembering the home of my favorite electric dartboard:

5,356 games played, $0 spent

Hans talks like he's wearing a retainer.  I probably shouldn't throw stones in glass houses since I have had various retainer devices over the years, but this guy's voice bugs.

Hans riddle: How does his mom look like she could be his older sister and his younger sister look like  she could be his daughter?  Answer: He's his uncle and his brother.

The date ended.  They kissed.  You get the picture.  Hans is a lock for the final three.

John Deere in Iowa

John Deere explained that Arlington, Iowa has a population of 758, but it's 759 today because Andi is here.  Someone needs to explain to Deere how population counts work.  Remind the US Government not to hire JD as a census worker.

At JD's house, Andi asked if his backyard is "the farmland."  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD then took Andi for a ride on his JOHN DEERE tractor (how apropos).  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD noted that he's broken the mold because he's a farmer on the Bachelorette.  Andi said that she could live on a farm because "her family has a lake house in the middle of nowhere."  (early favorite for quote of the night). I think he's broken the mold because he's the first farmer in Iowa with a faux-hawk.  

When asked what she would do in Iowa, Deere responded that she could be a homemaker.  

This is not going to work out

John Deere's mom, Mrs. Deere, told Andi that living on a farm takes gumption. This relationship is not going to work out.  

After a quick game of Sardines, Andi left.  The date seemed to go well.  I'll be shocked if he makes it another round.

Josh Griffey Jr. in Tampa

Let me start by saying I cannot stand this guy.  I roll my eyes at every word he says.  His face bugs me.  His voice bugs me.  This is going to be difficult.  

Josh is a former baseball player (in case you forgot), so of course he took Andi to a baseball field.  In case you were wondering if he was good, he was not.  In case you were wondering if he ever played in the majors, he did not.  But once again, I only played JV baseball in high school, so maybe I should pipe down:

Josh's brother is Aaron Murray, former star quarterback at Georgia and now in the NFL with the Kansas City Chiefs.  Looks like Andi got the wrong brother.  Here's Aaron.

Rich

Josh's mom says that Josh is "very sincere."  That's the last word I would use to describe Josh.  I take that back.  It's the second-to-last word I would use.  "Intelligent" is #1.  

The family went to the backyard and played some pickup football.  I was hoping Aaron throw one off of Josh's forehead, but not all dreams come true (e.g. Josh's MLB dream...that's mean....I take that back....no I don't).

The date ended.  As all hometown dates must.

Marcus Gosling in Dallas

Gosling drove Andi to a penthouse suite in his Benz and then stripped for Andi in a sailor outfit.  Andi seemed to be having flash-fowards to the fantasy suite, describing Gosling as "the hottest guy she's ever dated."  This is one of those moments that would be hard to watch if one of the other three guy's win it all.  

Mrs. Wags just asked me, "who is this guy?"  When people ask me if Mrs. Wags makes me watch the show, I quickly reply, "I make her watch the show."  This moment was undeniable proof that I am not lying.  

Andi met Gosling's mom, siblings, and nieces.  Gosling's dad left when they were kids, forcing Gosling's older brother into a father-figure role.  In one of the more genuine moments in Bachelor history, Gosling tearfully thanked his older brother for being there for him during the hard times.  It seemed like a nice moment for them.  

On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like Gosling had as many nice moments with Andi during his hometown.  I think he may be on the chopping block. 

Chris Harrison' Home

For the first time ever, we got to see the inside of Chris Harrison's home.  Hopefully this is foreshadowing next season on the Bachelor when 25 lucky ladies vie for Chris Harrison's love.  

Andi and the four guys were brought there to hear that Dora died in a paragliding accident.  There were lots of tears.  It was too serious, and thus, unbloggable.

Rose Ceremony

The tears continued into the rose ceremony, but the show must go on.

Getting their rose tickets to the fantasy suite were Josh Griffey Jr., John Deere, and Hans.

Marcus Gosling went home.  Not too surprising.  

Until next week, when Dugan makes all your fantasies come true.